Cold Fuzz
by The Layman
Summary: Have you ever wondered what BLEACH would be like if Kubo-sama saw "Hot Fuzz" before he wrote it? Well, I did, and this is what I came up with. Major crack, no point what-so-ever! Updates at least once every month. ON WITH THE CRACK!
1. First day on the Job Pt1

_Layman here. this is just a little experiment based on Hot Fuzz. No, it isn't a word-for-word retelling, but the action and humor are going to be very similar (I hope, I hope...). _

_This is also an homage to Alex McMullen and his incredible cop stories. In fact, read them before you read this. Just don't completely forget this one, I'm not in this business for my health, you know..._

_Also, the only thing I own of Bleach are the First and Second Season DVD sets...  
_

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

Summary; Police academy Kuchiki Rukia begins her first week on the Force. But will it just be some hum-drum, paper shuffling desk job, or more than she bargained for? 

Rookie Police Officer Kuchiki Rukia stood outside the front doors of the Karakura Police Department (KPD). She was fresh out of the Academy, and was eager to start cleaning up the streets of the city. She fidgeted with excitement while she waited.

_I wonder what my first assignment will be?_ she wondered. _Maybe it'll be a sting operation, maybe for some drug ring or something. Oh, and a high speed car chase, there has to be one of those involved-_

"Cadet Kuchiki, ten hut!" Rukia snapped to attention, shaking herself out of her daydream she slipped into.

In front of her was a tall, _(she'd always been described as shorter than average)_, red-headed man with elaborate tattoos where his eyebrows should have been.

"Cadet Kuchiki, would you mind telling me why you're just standing there, drooling like an idiot?"

"Um...," Rukia said, slightly intimidated by the man's street tough exterior.

"'Um', that's all you have to say to your superior officer?" The man flashed his badge. Abarai Renji, Sergeant rank.

Rukia bowed.

"Gomenasai, Abarai fuku-taichou," she apologized, "I was told to wait here until someone let me in. I...I guess I must have been waiting loner than I thought." She cringed, waiting for another reprimand.

It didn't come. Or at least, not as harshly as she was anticipating.

"You really are an idiot, aren't you?" Renji said, as if only realizing it for the first time. "There's an intercom right over there," he pointed to a small, brown/grey box next to the doors.

"Oh," Rukia said, feeling very stupid indeed.

"That's your first lesson, 'take more initiative'." He turned around and walking towards the doors, "Now follow me, I'll give you the grand tour before you start officially."

Rukia followed, though somewhat perplexed at radical attitude changes the senior officer was exhibiting.

She was beginning to wonder what she had gotten herself into...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Apparently, not much. At least, not according to the scene she saw in front of her. Messy desks, lounging officers, and general disorder comprised most of the nicer bits of the office. (We won't talk about the worse bits, but let it be know that one corner of the room had developed it's own micro-climate.)

"Everyone," Renji called, shoving Rukia out in front of him, "this here is Kuchiki Rukia, assigned to us straight out of the Academy." There were various grunts and raised hands popping up around the room, presumably from the other cops.

"Are they always this lively?" Rukia asked sarcastically.

"Actually, they're not even this wild most of the time."

Rukia sweatdropped.

"Oy, Renji," a hand waved from behind on of the cubicle walls, "don't leave me hanging over here, bring over the new blood!"

Rukia didn't particularly like the sound of "new blood".

"Hold your horses, I'll be right over!" Renji called back. He turned to the diminutive new recruit, "Might as well introduce you to the crew."

Rukia followed him tentatively, unsure of who, or what, exactly would meet her.

The first stop they made was at the desk of Arisawa Tatsuki.

"Kuchiki, this is Arisawa Tatsuki," Renji explained. "She's our leading lady around here and one of the band hand-to-hand combatants we have. She-Hey! Arisawa!"

Tatsuki looked up from the newspaper she was reading and popped the bubble gum she was blowing. Then she went back to her newspaper without a word.

"Did I do something wrong?" whispered Rukia.

"Nah, she's been like this ever since she got off probation two weeks ago." Rukia looked confused.

"What got her probation in the first place?"

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

_Inoue Orihime; *is piss-blind drunk* "Wow, I am so plastered; I think I'll take a shortcut home through this dark, sketchy looking alley. I'm sure it's perfectly safe. *hic*"_

_*Orihime walks down the alley until she meets a shady looking woman blocking her path.*_

_Chizuru; *dripping with innuendo* "Hey there cutie, want to have a good time?" _

_Orihime; "But I *hic* don't even know you. *hic*" _

_Chizuru; *cuddles Orihime* "Mm, that's alright, you'll know me reeeaaally well after tonight."_

_Arisawa Tatsuki; *out of nowhere* "Arisawa Special Attack; Dragon Super Kick!" *sends Chizuru flying* "I thought you knew better than to try anything on my watch, you damn lesbian hooker!" _

_Chizuru; *head swirling* "Oro...thank you for your patronage please come again!"_

_*Tatsuki proceeds to beat the crap out of Chizuru.*_

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

"We like don't talk about it much," Renji said, looking extremely uncomfortable.

Rukia said nothing as they moved on.

"These two _bakka _here are Madarame Ikkaku and Ayasegawa Yumichika, our resident detectives. Guys, this is Rukia, the new girl."

The two cops looked at Rukia, then back at each other.

"She's even shorter than Kiyone," the bald one said, "isn't she?"

"It does appear so," his partner, a vain, prissy man with unusual taste in eye decorations, agreed. "She could almost be truly beautiful if it weren't for her height."

"What did you say?" Rukia growled, a vein popping on her forehead.

"Um," Renji blanched, "why don't we go see the Kotetsu sisters?" As he gently lead Rukia away, he called out, "Oy! Arisawa! Therapy time!" When Renji looked back, he saw two police detective-shaped holes and an enraged demon running through them.

As they walked, Rukia asked, "You guys sure are informal here, aren't you, Fuku-taichou?"

"I guess we are," Renji remarked. Then he turn around abruptly, "And while we're on the subject, no more of this 'Fuku-taichou' crap. You call me Renji, or you call a taxi, and you _especially_ don't call me 'Shirley', got it?"

Rukia nodded, too stunned by Renji's outburst to actually form words.

"Good. Now let's go, the armory is just down there."

When they got to the armory, Rukia was surprised to see two women sitting there watching a television. Actually, one was sitting and the other was leaning against a rack of weapons, twittering her fingers nervously.

"Oh, hey Renji," the shorter blond-haired one said. She gestured to Rukia, "is she the new recruit?"

"You bet she is!" He slapped Rukia roughly on the back, and she let out a small gasp. "Rukia, this is Kotetsu Kiyone. She's in charge of the weapons and has fired a gun more times than anyone else here."

"Nice to meet'cha!" Kiyone said, vigorously shaking the new policewoman's hand.

"Oh, the pleasure's all mine," Rukia said once her hand was free. She massaged it a bit to get some of the feeling back.

"And this is her sister," Renji gestured to the other woman, "Isane."

"Um...hi," the grey haired woman said, giving a timid wave.

"She may look shy, (because she is), but she's best surgeon, field medic, general practitioner, limb replacer, plastic surgeon, pediatrician, and flute player we've ever had."

Isane blushed.

"Wow," Rukia gaped, "you're all that? You must have seen a ton a action!"

"Actually," Isane stuttered, "the only medical practice I get is stitching up Yumichika and Ikkaku."

"She's just blushing because she doesn't think she's as good with the flute as everyone says she is," Kiyone explained.

Rukia sweatdropped again.

"Speaking of which," Renji said, slapping his head, "those two _bakka _might be needing your help soon. I just gave Arisawa some 'therapy time'."

"Hai." Suddenly, Isane's countenance did a complete one-eighty; she scooped up a box with a red cross on it and rushed out of the room, going to treat the inevitable injuries the two detectives would be sustaining.

_Curiouser and curiouser..._Rukia thought, feeling like she'd just fallen into her own personal 'Wonderland'.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

As they made their was back to the, *ahem*, _"offices"_, they were nearly attacked by a ginger-haired woman with a chest that would make Dolly Parton jealous.

"Abarai-kun," the voluptuous woman whined, "why did you forget about me?"

"I didn't forget about you, Matsumoto," Renji said, albeit slightly muffled. "Now would you kindly stop pressing my face into your boobs?"

"Oh, sorry." Matsumoto released her superior, then turned to Rukia. "Hi there, name's Matsumoto Rangiku. Who're you?" she asked bluntly.

"Uh, Kuchiki Rukia," Rukia said uncertainly, not quite sure what to make of the older (or so she guessed) woman staring down at her. "Pleasure to meet you?"

"Likewise," she turned to Renji, who was still trying to recover from the near suffocation he suffered. "Hey, Abarai-kun, where's her desk?"

"Hell if I know, I don't think she's even been assigned a piece yet."

"A 'piece'," Rukia asked quizzically.

"That's slang for gun," Renji explained.

"Ah," Rukia nodded.

"Well, when she does get a desk, tell me about it; I want to send her a welcome present." Matsumoto looked giddy with excitement, "We haven't had a new member ever since that accident with the last one!"

_"Rangiku," _Renji growled under his breath.

"What accident?" Rukia asked innocently. Renji messaged his temples.

"One of our officers had a freak run-in with a mob of rabid fangirls..."

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

_Yamada Hanatarou; "Ahhh, what a lovely day! I think I'll go for a walk."_

_Tatsuki; "You sure? The horoscope for today said that someone will get attacked by a hive entity." _

_Hanatarou; "Oh, I don't listen to horoscopes, Arisawa; they almost never come true anyways." _

_*Hanatarou walks out the door and strolls happily down the street. A few minutes later a pale-skinned, sparkly, gay man runs by him, followed by a horde of fangirls that share one brain between them. Hanatarou is subsequently trampled for two minutes straight.*_

_Hanatarou; *weakly* "Ow..."_

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

"He was in traction for months..." Renji shook his head sadly. "...And ever since he's been deathly afraid of fortune cookies."

Rukia sweatdropped yet again.

_"Sooo..." _she said, "is that everyone?" Renji perked up almost immediately.

"Well, there's our chief, Ukitake Jushirou, but he's practically on eternal sick leave his health is so bad. And there's Kurosaki Ichigo."

"Wait, Kurosaki? He isn't by any chance related to Karin and Yuzu, is he?"

"The mystery solving twins? Yeah, he's their brother."

"Do you think he can get their autograph for me?" Rukia asked, her eyes sparkling brighter than diamonds.

"Actually...no."

"Huh?"

"You see, Ichigo-"

"We call him Strawberry," Matsumoto interrupted.

"-Anyways, he always used to get hounded by people wanting his sisters' autographs."

"So that's why he left," Rukia ventured, "to stop handing out autographs?"

"No, he left because of an accident that happen at one of our monthly boozing parties-"

"You guys have boozing parties once a month?" Rukia wondered.

"Do you want to know the story or not!" Renji shouted.

Rukia politely let him finish.

"Anyways, he-"

"I shot him in the arm," Matsumoto interrupted again.

"DO YOU MIND!" Renji exploded. "_God_, I can never finish one story without _SOMEONE _interrupting me!" he shouted, waving his hands up and storming out of the room.

Somewhere in the office a cricket chirped.

No, seriously, there actually _was _a cricket in the office. It was Yumichika's, but it somehow kept getting moved around so much that it was never on Yumichika's desk for more than a few minutes at a time.

But I digress, for not seconds after Renji's outburst a call came in. Matsumoto answered the phone.

"Mm-hm," she said. "Mm-hm, yeah, mm-hm, mm-hm, _really _, yeah, mm-hm, hang on," she put her hand over the receiver and called, "Oy, Renji, we got a case!"

"Well then what are we waiting around here for?" he said, suddenly reappearing. He grabbed Rukia's arm and began dragging her out the door. "Come on, Rookie," he said as he dragged her past Isane administering aid to a nearly unconscious Ikkaku and Yumichika, "time to get your first taste of action!"

_Oh, I can hardly wait, _she thought wryly as she was dragged out the door and into her new life at Karakura PD.

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

_Well, how do you like it so far? Did I make the characters believable (or at least funny)? What scenarios would you like to see the KPD in?_

_Actually, that's a pretty good question, what __**would **__you people like to see happen? Just spit out any felony or petty crime (don't worry, I'll make sure to blow them all out of proportion) in a review or a PM. _

_There are seven slots to fill, (I have two chapters planned already), so send in those suggestions fast! Nothing R-rated though...(and no slash pairings, I don't do those.)_


	2. First day on the Job Pt2

_Layman here, with the next chapter of Cold Fuzz. What sort of ridiculous misadventures will the KPD today? Read on and find out..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The Urahara Shoten; a small convenience store run by the eccentric Urahara Kisuke and his equally eccentric staff of three.

The problem; mice in the store.

The solution; call the KPD.

"This is it?" Officer Kuchiki Rukia asked incredulously. "A mouse problem?"

"Hey, it's a pretty big mouse," the owner himself explained. "Normally my girlfriend takes care of the mouse problems in the store, but she's on vacation in Bermuda right now."

"So we're pretty much his last line of defense, or else his store would be overrun," Renji said.

"But why would it make a difference whether she was here or not?" Rukia asked the store owner.

"Well..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Random police officer: *into a bullhorn* "Shihouin Yoruichi, please put down the bird and come down from the tree! Not only are the 'Do not climb the trees' signs clearly posted, but I'm not sure that it's entirely natural for a grown woman to be chasing birds like you are. It's already bad enough that we've had to bring you in for those complaints about you nuzzling people in the park, but- AAARRRGGGHHH! NO! DON'T TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF! INDECENT EXPOSURE, INDECENT EXPOSURE!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"She kind of thinks she's a cat."

Rukia said nothing.

"Well, might as well start looking for the little sucker," Renji said, taking out his gun. Rukia raised an eyebrow.

"Is the gun _really _necessary?"

"Trust me," he said, "we'll need them."

Wordlessly, Rukia unholstered her own weapon and followed her increasingly strange comrade. Fifteen minutes later, they found the mouse-hole.

"This doesn't look so bad," Rukia said, staring at the small, rough hole in the wall.

"I don't know," Renji mused, "something doesn't seem right..."

"Oh yeah," Urahara called from elsewhere in the store, "I forgot to mention before, this little guy's got a gun!"

Rukia gulped, her eyes bulging.

Then, suddenly, a veritable maelstrom of bullets exploded from the wall.

Fortunately, most of the rounds missed the two intrepid cops, and they were able to duck behind a stand for cover.

"Still think we don't need the guns?" Renji said, firing around the corner at the commando mouse.

"OK, fine, you were right. Now how do we beat this guy?"

"I don't know, I think we might have to call in backup though." Renji pulled out his radio and pressed the talk button. "Oy, is anyone awake over there?"

_"*yawn!* *hic* This is Rangiku, what'll be your pleasure? *hic*"_ Matsumoto hiccuped on the other end.

"Damn it Matsumoto, Kuchiki an I are pinned down at Urahara Shoten and we need backup!"

"Is she drunk?" Rukia asked.

_"Oooh, pick me up some more saké while you're there, will you? *hic*"_

"Sa-saké!" Renji shouted angrily. "We're about to get killed by a homicidal rodent with a Rambo complex and all you can think of is _saké_! Get your ass down here right now before I decided to give Arisawa any more _therapy time_ today!"

_"Well, fine, *hic*,"_ Matsumoto pouted, _"I'll just ask someone else to get me my saké. *hic*"_ There was a click as the connection broke.

"Great," Rukia sighed, "now we don't have any bakeup!"

"Don't worry," Renji grunted reassuringly, "they'll be here."

"How could you possible know that?"

"Because," Renji explained, "Rangiku always gets _someone _to get her her alcohol. Besides, I think I have an idea how to stall for time." Renji quickly grabbed a box of the shelf and held it up for Rukia to see. "Firecracker Pocky."

"I thought they banned those things back in the 80's?"

"They did, but Urahara never gets rid of any of his stock; he insists that nothing can't sold, so he's got stuff in here from over a hundred years ago."

Rukia was about to ask how that was even possible when Renji suddenly ripped open the box and dumped the contents on the floor. He then bit the end off one and threw it over the display shelf.

_(Random trivia; "Firecracker Pocky" was invented by a crackhead pot smoker on vacation to Japan on the Fourth of July. He accidentally bit the end of a sparkler he had lit, mistaking it for Pocky. He died a few minutes later when the chemicals in the sparkler reacted with the drugs he had been taking. _

_His partner, (a friend he made the other night when buying the illegal substances), however, survived and thought his late friend was onto something with the idea. He patented the idea a few months later and began a huge advertising campaign for his revolutionary new product. _

_The revolution that followed was a bunch of pissed off mothers of tongueless children demanding the man's head on a pole.)_

A moment later there was a brief flash of light, followed by a small pop.

Rukia then caught on and grabbed a box for herself. She bit the ends off of six of them and chucked them at the hole.

After a much louder pop, the gunfire ceased.

"Do you think it's safe now?" Rukia asked, poking her head around the corner.

"I think so," Renji replied, following suite. "That was some quick thinking by the way; who would have thought that Pocky could be used as a concussion grenade?" Rukia blushed, and went to survey the damage.

Apparently the pocky did a bit more damage then either had initially thought; the blast had blown out a small chunk of the wall, complete with scorch marks and everything. In the midst of the rubble, the mouse lay still, it's chest rising and falling gently.

"Awe, it's so cute!" Rukia cooed, scooping the mouse up and placing it gently into the pocket on her uniform.

"It's amazing how such a little animal could do so much damage," mused Renji.

"I know," Urahara agreed, appearing form out of nowhere, "I never should have left his cage unlocked next to the prototype Uzi."

"You could have help us a little," Renji glared.

"I puncture easily."

Renji would have argued that so could he and Rukia, had he not heard a police siren outside the store. A minute later Isane and Kiyone (carrying a medical beg and assault rifle respectively) burst into the store.

"Alright, where's the little-" Kiyone started, only to see a furry white head poke out of Rukia's pocket. "Aw man, we missed the action?"

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that," Renji shrugged, "Kuchiki here kinda saved the day."

"Really?" Isane breathed. "That's wonderful!"

"Stop it," Rukia waved bashfully, "it was nothing, really."

"Actually, it was," Urahara praised, "that was definitely one of the more creative uses of Pocky I've seen." Strangely, no-one wanted to know the other uses he was talking about. "By the way," he continued, "you owe me for the Pocky and the wall." He gestured a thumb at the crumbling wall behind him. "Not to mention all the merchandise that got destroyed during this little escapade."

"Aw, come on," Renji exasperated, "we saved your freaking store, you should be giving us stuff instead of taking it."

"Sorry, but rules are rules." He held out his his expectantly.

"Here," Kiyone said, slapping a wad of bills into the shopkeeper's hand, "and throw in a couple bottles of saké while you're at it."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Back at the station, everyone was celebrating the welcome of the newest member of the force.

Quincy the mouse.

Yes, Rukia kept the little white mouse (under the poorly disguised excuse that he was being "brought in for questioning" and "would be returned later"), and he turned out to be a big hit with the rest of the cops.

All the female officers were particularly enamored with the creature, with squeals of "Kawai!" occasionally echoing through the office throughout the day.

The men were a bit more reserved and each had their own unique ways of expressing themselves.

Renji, for instance, was reluctant to let Rukia keep Quincy at first, but relented when Rukia applied the logic that Yumichika also had a pet.

Ikkaku was initially more excited than Renji was, but that degraded into him whining to his partner about why they both couldn't have a pet.

Yumichika himself only said "I don't mind as long as he doesn't eat my cricket. And if he does, it must be done in a beautiful and dignified way".

All in all, Rukia's first day on the job had been rather good; she got her first taste of police action (though not quite in the form she thought it would take), she made new friends (even though she wasn't sure she'd ever get used to them), and she even got a new pet.

Rukia leaned back in her chair and propped her feet up on her desk (the mouse had clinched it), and dreamed about what wonderful misadventures they would have tomorrow...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, what should happen tomorrow? It's in your hands my loyal readers, __your_ _input is what will keep this story alive. _

**Kon:** Now wait just a minute, where the hell am _**I!**_ Me and my sexy body are the pivotal characters from this series, so why aren't I in it?

_*sighs* Kon, I hate to break it to you, but Bleach is mostly about Ichigo...and you're a stuffed animal._

**Kon:** Your point?

_*headdesk* (P.S., I've always wanted to do that.)_


	3. Low speed pursuit

_So glad you people are liking this story, it's been really fun for me to write._

_And now, without further adieu, the next 'adventure' of Cold Fuzz. (There way even be a wardrobe malfunction!)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Bored...,

Rukia thought as she waited in a patrol car with Tatsuki. _Nothing ever happens in this town! _

"Nothing ever happens in this town," Rukia complained, aloud this time.

"Eh, it's not so bad," Tatsuki shrugged. "The work is easy and the pay's good; what to complain about?"

"But I thought we'd be _doing_ more, (like stings and high-speed pursuits), instead of sitting here, waiting for some non-existent speeder to-" the rest of words were swallowed by the roar of a car speeding past them.

"You were saying?" Tatsuki asked, throwing the car into gear and speeding off after their first catch of the day (*ahem*, _month!_).

Rukia held on for dear life as Tatsuki weaved in and out of traffic at breakneck speeds after their quarry. Many times she almost ran pedestrians over in her haste.

"A-a-r-r-e-e y-y-o-o-u-u s-s-u-u-r-r-e-e t-t-h-h-i-i-s-s i-i-s-s s-s-a-a-f-f-e-e, A-a-r-r-i-i-s-s-a-a-w-w-a-a-?-?" Rukia asked as they hit a bumpy stretch of road.

"We're cops, aren't we?" Tatsuki answered, flipping on the siren. "Safe is for wimps!"

They sped on, the pursuit showing no sign of ending anytime soon. Eventually, they got to a cliff side road overlooking the sea.

"Kuchiki," Tatsuki said suddenly, "you take the wheel, I'm gonna try to shoot his rear wheels out." Then she unbuckled her harness and leaned out the window, guns ready.

"Are you crazy!" Rukia shouted, grabbing the wheel before they careened out of control.

"Was I ever sane?" Tatsuki shouted back, already letting off rounds at the tail end of the other car and cackling like a madwoman. Tatsuki was apparently not making any effort to keep her shots accurate, because most of them went wide, completely missing the vehicle altogether. In fact, the only thing Tatsuki hit was the passenger side mirror.

When her bullets were spent, she slipped back into driver's seats and took the wheel again.

"Damn," she sighed, "I always wanted to do that."

"You mean you only did that for the cheap thrill?" Rukia couldn't believe her ears.

"What? I'm not allowed to have a little fun on the job?"

Rukia didn't have an argument for this, because on some weird level, Tatsuki's logic made perfect sense. And given time, she might have thought of an equally logical rebuttal, if Tatsuki hadn't suddenly started shouting into a bullhorn.

"Hey, Crazyhead! Yeah, I'm talkin' to _you_, buster! You better pull the hell over _right now_ before I kick your ass to next Tuesday and back before I lock you up for _25 to life _with no chance of parole! Huh, what do think of that?"

The "Crazyhead" just sped up more.

"Dammit! I was so sure that wound work. Well, I guess we'll just have to use Plan B."

"What's plan B?" Rukia asked nervously.

"This." Tatsuki flipped open a hidden panel and began flipping switches. Rukia heard gears whirring and felt a jolt as the car began lower.

"Tatsuki," Rukia asked slowly, "what exactly is going on?"

"I'm kickin' in the Nitro, Baby!" she announced, pulling a lever back. Rukia couldn't help but notice that it had yellow and black lines painted on it.

She didn't really have much time to worry about it though, because 1.025 seconds later she was plastered to her seat by the extreme G-force slamming into her.

The good news was that they were going fast enough to overtake the other car in no time.

The bad news was that the other car just disappeared over the lip of a hill. And because their car was going so fast that it just kept going in the direction it was pointed.

Which, in this case, was an approximate 35 degree upward angle.

"Still bored, Kuchiki?" Tatsuki asked politely as the car sailed through the air. Rukia was unable to answer, as she was praying every prayer to every deity she'd ever heard of in her entire life. Ever.

Fortunately, they didn't stay in the air that long. In fact, they came down _in front_ of the other car. Tatsuki took this opportunity to put the patrol car into a perfect hockey stop, thereby cutting of any chance the other car had of escaping.

"There," Tatsuki said once they stopped, "that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"No," Rukia said while she waited for the color to return to her skin. "I just saw my entire life flash before my eyes." She cocked her head quizzically, "I never knew my life had so much mayonnaise in it."

Tatsuki sweatdropped.

"Well, _I'm_ going to go arrest the perp, wanna come?"

"Sure," Rukia said, her normal color almost restored.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The driver of the other car was both the first and last things either of them expected. He was a rather tall man, easily over six feet high at _minimum_. He also had the weirdest hairdo either of the two female cops had ever seen; slicked back spikes in a circle around his head, with tiny bells on the ends.

"Is there a problem, Officers?" he asked in a deep, dangerous sounding voice.

"Yes there's a problem," Tatsuki stated, "you were speeding!"

"Well of course I was," he said matter-of-factly, "otherwise we'd be even more late to Yachiru's school play than we already are." He glanced down at his watch, "Actually, I think we can still make it if we leave right now."

"Wait a second," Rukia said, "who's Yachiru?"

"I'm Yachiru!" A young girl with pink hair and rosy cheeks who just poked her head out of the car said. She looked at Rukia and Tatsuki disapointedly and sighed, "Did Kenny do something bad again?"

"What do you mean, _again_?" Rukia asked.

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

*Hanatarou is just released from the hospital and is at McDonald's, ordering lunch*

_Counter Girl; "Konnichiwa, what will you have?" _

_Hanatarou; "Um, I think-"_

_Zaraki; "I'll have a #3, large fries, hold the pickles, and make sure that meat is fresh. In fact, make sure it was killed today." _

_Hanatarou; "Uh, excuse me, I believe I was here first." _

_Zaraki; *glares down at Hanatarou* "Yeah? Well, I'm bigger."_

_Hanatarou; "I didn't want to do this, but I'm a cop." *flashes badge* "See?"_

_Zaraki; "I see that, now let me show you something." *proceeds to beat the $&!% out of Hanatarou*_

_Hanatarou; *weakly* "Medic..."_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"He hit this cop and they put him in jail," Yachiru explained.

"Oh yeah, I remember you now," Tatsuki remarked. "You kept challenging everyone that walked past your cell to a fight."

"Hey," Zaraki put up his hands defensively, "that was a long time ago, and I've turned over a new leaf since then."

"That only happened three months ago," Tatsuki corrected him, "and what do you mean by 'turned over a new leaf'?"

"When you guys let me out I took up yoga; it really help my anger problem, though for some reason I still can't stand spineless, drowsy-looking weaklings."

"Isn't Kenny Nii-chan the best?" Yachiru beamed.

"Yeah, whatever, here's your ticket," Tatsuki ripped the ticket out of her book and handed it to the ex-convict. "And next time, leave earlier."

"Fine," Zaraki said, grudgingly taking the ticket. Then he got into the car and sped off towards the school play he was late for.

"That was weird," Rukia remarked after the car was out of sight.

"Are you kidding? That was the most fun I've had in weeks!" Tatsuki twirled around in exhilaration. "I can't wait for the next speeder to come by!"

"Not me," Rukia said, climbing back into the patrol car, "I'm not moving form this seat until my shift is over."

"Suite yourself," Tatsuki said as she hopslid over the hood and climbed in next to her.

About three seconds later, a motorcycle gang sped past them at breakneck speeds. A huge grin crept across Tatsuki's face.

Rukia facepalmed, instantly regretting her decision not to leave the car.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_*sigh* Another day, another ridiculously overblown event for the KPD. _

_So, who out there spotted the [possibly two] strong nods to Bleach? Kudos for you if you did. _


	4. Alternate dimensions

_Today, everything that happens [technically] happens in the office. What do I mean by this? Read on and find out..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"...And in other news,"

the TV announcer said,_"local store owner Urahara Kisuke has announced that he plans to open a second store, possibly located on the other side of town. How he plans to do this when he can barely break even each moth remains to be-" _*Click!*

"Hey!" Matsumoto protested. "I was watching that!"

"Oh, I know," Renji said, twirling a remote around in his hand, "you've been watching it since before any of the rest of us got here this morning."

"But none of us got in 'till noon," Rukia pointed out, looking up form her pet mouse Quincy, "and it's only 1 o'clock."

"That's not the point!" Renji bellowed. "She knows I can't stand news programs, and yet she deliberately makes a point to watch it whenever I'm around."

"Oh, could you _please _stop bitching, Renji," Yumichika shouted from across the room. "It's so _undignified, _and it's messing up my aura."

_He has an aura? _Rukia wondered.

"If you don't like it than go somewhere else, Peacock Face!"

Yumichika rubbed the decorative feathers that adorned his right eye sensitively.

"Well, what about you?" the vain man shot back. "It looks like your face got caught in a printing press!"

Renji was about to strangle his comrade-in-arms, but Matsumoto grabbed his collar before that could happen.

"Would you _ahou_ both quit it!" she yelled. "Let's just agree that you _both_ look freakishly abnormal."

"This coming from 'Bazooka Girl' here,' Renji muttered under his breath.

Or so he thought.

"OK, That's it, Eyebrows!" she screamed, tackling "Eyebrows" right into Yumichika's desk (and Yumichika by default).

Pretty soon the three of them were rolling across the floor, trading both blows and insults.

"Um, guys?" Rukia asked, trying to think of some way to get them to all calm down. "Aren't you all taking this just a _bit_ to fa-"

"EEE!"

Suddenly, a scream that could've shattered glass (had it been just half an octave higher) echoed through the station. A moment later Isane came running into the room, followed by Yumichika's cricket and her younger sister (that later of which was trying to hit said cricket with her 9mm).

"Die, Mother[censor], Die!" Kiyone shouted, firing at (and missing) the cricket. Almost immediately, however, she was swallowed up by the free-for-all moving across the floor.

"You couldn't land a girlfriend in twenty years!" Renji sniped at Yumichika.

"Your mother was a transvestite!" Yumichika shot back.

"You _are _a transvestite!" Matsumoto shouted at Yumichika.

"That's better than you, _hooker_!" he rebutted.

"You guys are _all _fags!" Kiyone chimed in, managing to both elbow Rangiku in the face and kick Renji in the groin at the same time.

Rukia just stood there, unable to say anything.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

Ikkaku, (who had been in the bathroom this whole time), walked into the room, adjusting his pants.

"I'm back, anybo-" he said, before actually realized what was going on around him. "Hell yeah!" he shouted, grabbing a wooden sword and jumping headfirst into the throng. "Dog pile!"

"And I thought this job was going to be exciting," Rukia deadpanned.

"Mm, I suppose this means I'll be fixing everyone up after this is done," Isane sighed, thankfully safe from the brawl.

It was at this point that something none of them would have thought possible under any other circumstances happened.

The chain of events went something like this; someone, (no-one could quite see who), bashed Ikkaku's head against the wall, which cause a picture frame to fall. This in turn was swatted across the room by Ikkaku's sword, landing on Matsumoto's desk. It knocked over a cup of marbles that spilled all over the floor, causing everyone moving to slip and slide around. Then Ikkaku, (he seems to be popular now, doesn't he?), as a result of the marbles, slipped and fell across Yumichika's desk, knocking an extra long nail file off the edge. This acted like a catapult, sending Yumichika's cricket flying straight into the micro-climate in the south-southeast corner of the room.

For a while there was almost complete silence, the only noise being the squeak from Quincy the Mouse's exercise wheel Rukia got him.

"What the hell just happened?" Matsumoto asked, pulling herself off the floor.

"I think Yumi-kun's cricket just went flying into the cloud over there," Kiyone ventured.

"Great, now you're probably going to suggest that we go in there and get it," Yumichika said. "Well, you can count me out if you do, there's no way I'm getting _this hair_ messed up after the $100 treatment I just got."

"Oh quit whining and go get your cricket, you big baby," Matsumoto said, roughly shoving him into the cloud.

_"Rangiku!" _Renji exclaimed. "You don't go around pushing officers into micro-climates." He pointed firmly at said micro-climate, "Go in there and get him."

_"Fine," _she sighed dramatically. Then she grabbed the front of Renji's shirt, "but I'm taking you with me," and jumped into the cloud after Yumichika.

"Renji!" Kiyone and Ikkaku cried as they rushed after their now disappeared compatriots, leaving Rukia and Isane to stand there in stunned disbelief.

Quincy squeaked.

_"So...," _Rukia asked uneasily, "wanna go get a coffee or something?"

"Sure," Isane shrugged. And out they went to get coffee.

And lunch, and a pedicure, and new shoes. In fact, it was already four o'clock by the time they got back to the station.

"You know," Isane said as they walked through the front door, "this is actually the second time the rest of the force has disappeared like this."

"Really?" Rukia gasped. "How so?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Isane; "OK everyone, it's that time of year again; yearly physicals!" *collective groans from the rest of the force* "Aw, don't be like that, they'll be over before you know it. I just need to get some stuff out if my bag..." *She turns around and draws a very large syringe from her bag. She turns back around* "Now, who's-" *she suddenly realizes she's the only person in the room* "-first..."_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I think they were playing a prank on me or something."

"It wasn't a prank, _bakka_," Renji said raggedly, "we just didn't want the damn shots!"

"Renji?" Rukia and Isane exclaimed together. "Everyone? What happened to you guys?"

Renji, Kiyone, Matsumoto, Ikkaku, and Yumichika were all sprawled out on the floor, their clothes bloodied and torn.

"How could you guys get so beat up in only three hours?" Rukia wondered aloud.

"What are you talking about?" Renji asked. "We've been gone for over a week!"

Both Rukia's and Isane's mouths dropped to the floor.

"Yeah," Yumichika agreed, "just look at my hair!" He pointed to a large, fuzzy Afro on his head, "Do you really think I'd let it get like this if I could help it?"

_He does have a point, _Rukia thought.

"You think you've got it bad?" Matsumoto pouted. "This was my favorite uniform," she motioned to the tattered remains of her uniform, "and now it's practically ribbons! My breasts are even starting to fall out!"

"Hate to break it to you, Matsumoto," Renji said, "but they did that even when your uniform was new."

"At least now of you are as bad as Baldy there," Kiyone pointed to Ikkaku, who was curled up in the fetal position and clutching his wooden sword for all it was worth.

"Kittens..." he muttered, "so many kittens...evil, fuzzy kittens...the eyes, Oh god! the eyes!"

"Do I even want to know?" Rukia asked, somewhat rhetorically.

Everyone shook their heads "no" in perfect synchronization.

"On the bright side, we found Yumichika's cricket!" Kiyone held up a makeshift cage made out of twigs. Inside was Yumichika's cricket.

The cricket chirped happily.

Just then, the front door opened and Tatsuki walked in, carrying four grocery bags from the Urahara Shoten.

"Hey guys," she said casually, "anything interesting happen while I was gone?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_So, who thought that that almost insignificant comment from the first chapter that sounded like it was only thrown in there for humor's sake would lead to something like this? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller? _

_Well, if you did, I take my hat off to you. _

_Anyways, join us next time for more heroic rescues, daring escapes, heart-wrenching romance, and a total lack of any humor what-so-ever! *Can't keep it together any longer and bursts out laughing*_


	5. Tap Dancing Elephants

_Hello there, Layman here. Today we are going to explore the wonderful and enlightening world of..._

_CRIMESCENE INVESTIGATION!_

_Now, without any further ado, on with the fic..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"It was Colonel Mustard, in the Den, with the Rope!" Ikkaku shouted, pounding his finger into his partner's chest.

"_Ahou_!" Yumichika rebutted. "It was _obviously_ Madam Peacock, in the Kitchen, with the Brick!"

Rukia, as usual, said nothing. She was standing a short ways away, actually intestigating the homicide they were called in for.

_How could they still be arguing about that game of Clue when there's a dead body laying right here?_ she thought. _Besides, they haven't played that game since last week._

_"Oi, Kuchiki, give me a report, will ya'?"_ Renji's voice sounded over the radio. Rukia immediately slipped into "professional" mode.

"Single homicide, male, middle aged, average height. He apears to have been stabbed with a knife several times in the heart," Rukia prattled off.

_"Gone on,"_ Renji mused.

"He was found an hour ago in his bedroom by the apartment's cleaning lady. She says that before she did his room, she saw a man in tweed and glasses walking away from the room."

_"So it was Professor Plum, in the Bedroom, with the Knife then," _Renji concluded.

"Renji this is serious!" Rukia scolded. "Do you always make light of the dead?"

_"Only on days ending in 'Y',"_ Renji chuckled.

_"Renji..."_ Rukia growled.

_"On come on, Kuchiki, you gotta have a little humor on jobs like that, otherwise you turn into a robot." _

"Hmm, I guess you do have a point."

_"No, I mean you'll actually turn into a robot. It actually happened once..."_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Random, no-name officer; *in mechanical monotone* "Target apears to have fallen down stairs. No further analysis required. Orders, Taichou?"

_Ukitake Jushirou; "Um, I guess we're done here. Why don't we head back to the station?" _

_No-name; "Unable to comply. Error; question phrased in unusual manner. Please rephrase."_

_Ukitake; *sighs* "Return to base, then power down." _

_No-name; "Affirmative." _

_Tatsuki; "You know, I'm worried about that boy. Something about him just doesn't seem right."_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_"It took us a month just to get him to frown agian."_

Rukia sweatdropped.

_"But never mind that, I need you and Matsumoto to check out a domestic disturbance call." _

"Wait," Rukia said, taken aback by what she just heard, "Matsumoto _Rangiku_ is coming with me? I thought she never left the office."

_"Normally that's true, but her employment contract states that she has to be on duty for at least one or two calls a month or she doesn't get payed." _

"And this works?" Rukia wondered.

_"Surprisingly, yeah. Turns out she's as materialistic as Yumichika is vain."_

Now that was saying something.

"OK, fine, when can she pick me up."

HONKHONK!

Rukia almost jumped out of her skin at the suddenness of the noise. She looked out the window and saw Matsumoto leaning out of a squad car window, waving at her.

_"Right now, actually,"_Renji's voice said on the other end of the radio.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Isn't this great?" Matsumoto said on the ride there. "I've never done a domestic disturbance call before, what's it like?"

"I'm sure it's not all that exciting," Rukia said, "most likely just some people yelling at each other or a karaoke party gone wrong."

"I think Hanatarou answered a domestic disturbance call once," Matsumoto said, completely ignoring her partner, "I wonder what it was like for him...?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou; *knocks on door* Excuse me, I got a call about a disturbance coming form this apartment, could I-"_

_*the door opens and blaring techno music can be heard and strobe lights can be seen. A particularly burly arm suddenly, from out of nowhere, punches Hanatarou right in the kisser*_

_Hanatarou; *staggers around dizzily* "Mommy I don't want to go to school..." *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Eh," she shrugged, "I'm sure it was alright."

As they got to the house they could hear the shouts from the car.

"Wow, it sounds like a rogue elephant tap dancing to 'YMCA'," Matsumoto said.

"Is that even possible?" Rukia asked.

"Who knows, you go get 'em."

"What! Why do I have to go first?"

"Because you've been on duty longer than I have in my whole career. Besides," she motioned to herself, "do you really think I'm going to get _this_ body get damaged?"

Rukia just rolled her eyes and knocked on the door.

"Police, may we come in," she shouted, hoping her voice would carry over the racket inside.

A moment later a record scratched and all noise suddenly stopped.

The door opened...

"You aren't the dancers Keigo ordered, are you?" a teenage boy with black, flippy hair.

"Um," Rukia stammered, "actually-"

"Sure we are!" Matsmoto interrupted, completely playing along.

"Whatever," the boy sighed, before Rukia had a chance to protest, "come on in and I'll get Keigo. I'm Kojima Mizuirou by the way." Be bowed and then stepped aside to let them in, calling "Keigo, visitors!"

A moment another teenager clumsily slid into the room, running right into the sofa and flipping completely over it. When he straightened himself out, Rukia noticed his hair was a different color (and messier on account of his recent tumble) then the other boy's. Somewhat of an earthy brown.

"Greetings! And welcome to the garden of manliness of which I, Asano Keigo, currently preside as president!" He gave them a tight-looking salute, and then bowed deeply.

"Yeah, hi," Matsumoto waved dismissively. "Say, do you guys have air conditioning here? 'Cause I'm sweltering right now." She reached up and undid a few buttons from her shirt, revealing a small portion of her ample cleavage.

Keigo's eyes couldn't have come any more out of his head if they tried.

_SWEET!_ he thought as he ran towards Matsumoto in slow motion, _I knew the dancers were going to be hot, but this takes the cake! I mean, look at the size of those boobs! And the police attire is a nice touch. Man, would I like some 'rough treatment' from her-_

Unfortunately, he got his wish in the form of her fist making contact with his face.

_Hard contact._

"Anyways," the ample woman said, not fazed in the slightest, "we got a call about a tap dancing elephant."

"Aw man!" Mizuirou groaned. He turned to his semi-conscious friend, "I told you we'd get in trouble for that!"

"Oh," Keigo shouted indignantly, "like _you_ weren't perfectly willing to go along with me on that one." He was interrupted by an elephant trumpet that sounded like it was coming from below the house. He limped over to a door (which presumably lead to the basement) and yelled "I know, Betsy, I'll bring your food down later!" Betsy trumpeted 'OK' and then went silent.

Rukia meanwhile, was just standing completely still with her mouth agape; this whole scene was just too crazy for her brain to accurately form any type of coherent response at all.

"You know you need a permit for that, right?" Matsumoto said, not skipping a beat.

"It doesn't cost too much, does it?" Keigo asked.

"I don't think so, maybe only a couple hundred dollars."

The two teenagers blanched.

"A COUPLE HUNDRED!" Keigo screamed. "WE'RE PRACTICALLY BANKRUPT FROM BUYING THE ELEPHANT! WE CAN BARELY PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE AS IT IS!"

"But my parents take care of all the bills-"

"SHUT UP, MIZUIROU! NO WAY WE CAN AFFORD A LISENCE NOW!"

"Well that's just too bad," Matsumoto said in mock disappointment, "I'm afraid we're going to have to confiscate it, plus fine you for owning an elephant without a license."

"Isn't that just a little harsh, Rangi-" Rukia finally said, before Matsumoto continued.

"_But_, we're willing to look the other way-"

_"Rangiku!"_

"-_If_, you treat us to dinner tonight."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Later that evening (and many failed attempts by Keigo to hit on Matsumoto later), the two teens and two police women were sitting in a classy Italian restaurant, eating there meals in relative silence.

_I can't believe Rangiku actually extorted a meal for those boys,_ Rukia thought. _Not that I'm complaining, I haven't eaten this good in ages!_

Mizuirou's thoughts were more along the lines of, _One of these days I really am going to have to kick Keigo out, preferably before his next crazy idea happens along._

Matsumoto was thinking, _Man, my arm is really cramped for some reason._

And Keigo's mind was saying, _Oh wow, does she look hot in that dress or what? Hey Beautiful, that outfit looks great on you you, but it'll look even better on my bedroom, fl-_"Oof!"

"Hey what do you know," Matsumoto said suddenly, "I think snapping my arm out suddenly actually helped! No more cramp!" Rukia and Mizuirou just sweatdropped.

Keigo whimpered on the floor.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Woo hoo! Chapter five! Yeah! (Can you tell I'm excited?) _

_Anyways, you know how Hanatarou keeps getting beaten up? Well, it's not likely to stop any time soon. I mean, it's just so funny to read! If you want more crack Bleach action, check out the "Division Exchange Program". It's where I drew some of the inspiration for this story, only it's about a bajillion times funnier._


	6. Mad Scientist Clowns

_Will the KPD __EVER_ _have a normal day? But then again, if they did, then this wouldn't really be that funny of a story, would it?_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"OK, so that's; two bottles of saké, three bags of chips, a tooth bursh, a plunger, two cases of exfoliating cream, a Slinky, and a box of toothpicks. That'll be $67.82."

"Thanks!" Kiyone said to the cashier girl cheerfully as she put a wad of bills on the counter. "And keep the change." She walked out of the pharmacy and towards a phone booth on the corner that Rukia and Isane were waiting at.

"Well?" Rukia asked. "Did you get the information?"

"Yup," Kiyone nodded, "she even wrote down directions to get there." She held a piece of paper of her comrades to see.

"So where is this place anyways?" Isane asked.

"Well," Kiyone said, reading the paper, "First, we take the first left down Main, go for three miles then turn left again, and we'll meet a man. After we polish his shoes, he'll give us a pineapple that we have to give to a homeless guy who lives near the mall. After that, he'll give us a manicure and directions to a small, Swedish restaurant. That's the end of Step One."

Rukia and Isane sweatdropped.

"Now," Kiyone continued, "for Step Two, we have to-"

"Couldn't we just look in the phone book to find this place?" Rukia interrupted.

"Yeah," Isane seconded, "I like that option better."

"But I worked so hard to get those directions!" Kiyone whined. "Do you realize how many box tops I had to send in just to get that coupon to use at that store!"

"Um, Kiyone," her sister said, "don't you think you're making this a _little_ bit too complicated?"

"You think?"

"I found it!" Rukia cried, looking up from a phone book. "Come on, let's go!"

"Wow, that was fast," Kiyone remarked. "Why didn't I think of that?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Ten minutes later, they arrived at the house.

Three seconds after that, they were wishing they didn't.

"Are you _absolutely sure _this is the place?" Isane asked, teeth chattering.

"'1313 Mockingbird Lane'," Rukia read off the mailbox, "yep, this is place."

"Are you _absolutely, ABSOLUTELY sure_this is the place?" Isane asked again.

"Come on, sis, buck up! We're policewomen! Besides, we've been in worse situations than this!" All in all, Kiyone actually made a pretty decent motivational speaker.

"What could be worse than this?"

"Well..." Kiyone thought back, "there was that Twilight book signing that put Hanatarou in the emergency room. Besides, Hanatarou made it back from here OK, didn't he?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou; *runs out of building in a panic, screaming* "Aaaauuuggghhh! NO MORE EXPERIMENTS!_

_*Suddenly, a bunch of demon bunny rabbits leap from out of nowhere and dog pile on Hanatarou*_

_Hanatarou; "THE TEETH! OH GOD THE TEETH!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Point taken," Isane groaned, reluctantly trudging forward.

The other two policewomen followed her, and in no time they were at the door of the creepy, scary, dilapidated, eerie looking, rotting, emanating a feeling of general unease in all directions, scary, (did I mention scary?), house.

Perfectly safe, right?

Rukia rang the doorbell, and inside something that sounded vaguely like a funeral march began playing. A moment later a petite, melancholy young woman opened the door.

"Good evening," she said, somewhat emotionlessly, "are you here to see Master Kurotsuchi?"

"Um, I guess so," Kiyone said.

"Very well," the gloomy-looking young woman said, motioning them inside, "right this way."

As they entered the house, (and I use that term loosely), they saw that it was really that much better than the outside. Everything looked like it was rotting and had an _aeu dé Mildue_ about it. In some cases there was actual mold beginning to grow.

"It's...charming?" Rukia said carefully.

"Actually," their guide said, "it's a..." She glanced at the trio of police women curiously, "what's a polite word for stinking, filthily cesspool of monumental putrescence?"

All three women sweatdropped.

"No," Isane said, breaking the awkward silence, "I think that about says it all."

"I'm glad you agree, ma'am."

"You're not the maid, are you?" Rukia asked, trying to change the subject.

"I am," the girl said. "My name is Nemu, and I'm the last of Master Kurotsuchi's staff."

"'The last'?" Isane asked uneasily. "What happened to the others?"

"Here we are," Nemu said as she opened a door, also completely avoiding the question.

This bolstered none of the three policewomen's spirits.

"The Master is right down there, he's expecting you."

Rukia couldn't put her finger on it, but something about that last sentence severely creeped her out. (Not that Isane and Kiyone were doing much better either.) She looked down the dark stairway, then turned back to Nemu and asked "You're _absolutely_ sure this is the way?"

"Yes," Nemu answered.

"_Absolutely, ABSOLUTELY sure?"_Rukia persisted.

"Yes."

"Gulp!"

"We second the motion," the Kotesu sisters concurred in perfect stereo.

Nemu said, nothing, but waited patiently for the women to go ahead of her. Reluctantly, they grabbed each others' hands and slowly, stepped forward.

Then everything went black...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia woke up slowly. Her first thought was _"What happened?"_ Her second was _"Ow, my side hurts."_ Her third was _"Why does my side hurt?"_

Her fourth was _"Why is there some weird clown staring at me?-_

_"Wait, WHAT!"_

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!" she screamed, suddenly wide awake.

"Interesting reaction," the clown said, "but could you do it again? I don't think I quite caught the sub-text."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!" Rukia obliged, unable to really do anything else.

"Thanks, I got it that time."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!"

"Oh, be quiet already," the clown groaned. "I always hate it when my specimens can keep their mouths shut."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!" By now Rukia's screaming had woken Kiyone up, Isane was still unconscious.

"Oh, for the love of...Nemu!" the clown called. "Get in here you useless dullard, and bring some chloroform or something with you!"

Rukia was about to scream again when she saw Nemu walking out of the shadows.

"Nemu?" Rukia exclaimed in surprise.

"Ah yes, I see you've already met my maid, Nemu. Nemu, say hi to the test subjects."

"Hello there," the melancholy maid said, bowwing slightly.

It was at this time that Rukia noticed her captor. He was a tallish man, almost twice as tall as Rukia herself. He wore surgeons robes and some really weird version of a nurse's cap; with two flowing prong sticking out to the side. His face was painted white, (or it could be his natural color, Rukia couldn't really tell in the dim light), and he wore orange cones on his ears and chin.

All in all, a rather scary clown.

"Anyways," the clown said absently, "now that introductions are out of the way, let's get back to the experiments, shall we?" He smiled a creepy, devious smiled, and Rukia couldn't sworn she saw the words "dissection" flash in his eyes.

Suddenly, Bright lights shown on Rukia, showing that she was strapped to a table. Nemu was suddenly dressed in a nurse's attire and surgeon's mask, holding a tray of tools, (most of which looked like knives).

"Now," the evil clown said pleadingly, "try not to bleed too much while I rearrange your organs, OK?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!" Rukia screamed, jolting upright.

"What! What is it?" Kiyone shouted, looking around frantically. "Oh, Rukia, you woke up."

"Really? Well, how long was I out?"

"Not long, only about ten minutes or so. She still hasn't come to yet," the blond haired cop pointed to Isane, who was still sprawled on the floor, "but she always does eventually, so no need to worry." Rukia said nothing, but nodded acknowledgment.

"So," Rukia wondered, "where's the guy we were looking for?"

"You mean Kurosutchi-san? He was here a few minutes ago while you were still sleeping," Kiyone explained.

"He didn't looking like an evil clown, did he?"

_What was she dreaming about? _Kiyone found herself wondering. _Whatever it was, it can't be as bad as the ones Isane has._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Isane: *to therapist* "...And then the robot midget zombie pirates made me their queen and told me I had to go to the Land of Rainbows and kill the horrible, shiny monster that lived there with only a lampshade and some Lima beans. They gave me a blue Prius and told me to head west, so I did. When I was about halfway there these three ninja threw Banana cream Pies in my face, and..."_

_Therapist; *commits seppuku*._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"No, he didn't look anything like an evil clown. In fact, he actually looked rather nice; except for the weird blue hair." Kiyone fished in her pocket for a minute and brought out a small make-up container. "He even gave us Yumichika's special eyebrow glue-"

"Augh! Fish paste!"

The girls turned around and saw Isane had now woken up and was breathing heavily.

"Hey Sis, you alright?"

"Huh," Isane mumbled, still trying to get her bearings on reality, "oh, uh, yeah, I'm fine. Just had another weird dream, is all."

"Well, we've got the stupid special order cream Yumichika wanted, so let's get out of here." Rukia shivered, "I think I've had my fill of haunted houses for the next year, or seventeen."

"Absolutely," the Kotetsu sisters agreed as they trudged up the stairs (of the now lit basement) and headed back to the Station.

"You know," Rukia said as they piled into the police car, "something still bothers me."

"What is it?" Isane asked.

"How did we end up unconscious in the first place? I mean, I remember taking that first step into the basement, but then everything goes blank after that."

"Oh, we tripped and hit our heads on the way down," Kiyone explained. "Apparently Nemu forgot to explain that the first step was a bit of a doosey."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_So...Review?_

_No, I kid you, I wouldn't end one of these chapters without saying something first. So let's see here..._

_Ah, I know, I'll talk about- *suddenly, the power shuts off and all the recording equipment powers down* Aw man!_

_Well, anyways, see you next chapter._


	7. Blind Date Pt1

_OK, here's a Super Special Fan Request Chapter! for everyone who's been following this story! (you two know who you are.)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Today, it was hot. Scorching hot. Sweltering even. The point is, the weather was hot, and not even the intrepid forces of the KPD could escape it's brutal onslaught.

"It. Is. So. Hot!" Yumichika complained. "Do you have any idea what this humidity is doing to my hair?"

"It couldn't, perhaps, make it go all frizzy," Renji asked sarcastically, "could it?"

"Yeah," Yumichika was genuinely surprise that Renji actually knew that, "how'd you know?"

"Because right now you've got an Afro that would make Jimi Hendrix jealous."

Yumichika grabbed a hand mirror and squealed in horror when he saw his hair was now big enough to have it's own satellite. (And there actually was one orbiting his hair, with a banner that said "Eat at Joe's".) He quickly fished around his desk and pulled out a wig that resembled his normal hair, which he promptly placed on his head.

"You keep an exact copy of your hair in your desk?" Rukia asked.

"Yeah," he said, completely serious. "Why? Doesn't everyone?"

Collective sweatdrops fell around the room.

"No, Peacock Face," Renji said, making the mistake of throwing the first insult, "I'm proud to say that no-one does."

"Well," Yumichika shot back, "maybe if you did, you wouldn't have to deal with that shrub you call hair, Pineapple Head."

"Ugh, not again," Tatsuki groaned as she walking past Rukia's desk. "These guys hash it out pretty much every other day."

"Yeah," Rukia agreed, "I've noticed."

"Well I long as I don't get caught in it this time they can knock the building down," Matsumoto said, stepping into the room.

And when she did, everything else ground to a halt.

She was wearing a red, strapless dress that came down to just above her knees, and two inch heel Stilettos. Her hair was done up in a bun with decorative chopsticks in it, and she was wearing a white, linen scarf around her neck.

So yeah, I think we can all agree she missed her calling as a model.

"Whoa, Rangiku, when were you going to tell us you were going clubbing tonight?" Tatsuki asked.

"Can we come with?" Rukia asked, wide eyed.

"No," Rangiku said firmly. "If you all must know, I'm going to meet someone for dinner."

"Do we know him?" Renji prodded.

"No, you don't. And neither do I; I met him on the internet."

"So it's a blind date?"

"Yes." With a wave of her hand, Matsumoto grabbed a purse that matched her dress off her desk and headed out the door.

For a moment there was no sound except for Yumichika's cricket chirping. _Matsumoto Rangiku,_ on a _date?_ With a _man? _(Not that she swung the other way, she just normally wasn't the type of person to go on dates like this.)

Oh, there was _no way _they were not going to follow her for this.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The time; 5:48 PM.

The place; the fancy restaurant those two teenage boys took Matsumoto and Rukia for dinner once. (Note; see chapter five.)

The targets; Matsumoto Rangiku (police officer), her mystery date (occupation unknown).

The people who are _so _going to get later later for following them; Abarai Renji, Kuchiki Rukia, and Arisawa Tatsuki (all police officers).

_"Can you see her?" _Tatsuki asked from her vantage point (She was in a tree across from the restaurant Matsumoto was in).

_"Affirmative,"_Renji confirmed from the bushes that lines the entrance, _"she's about three tables in. It looks like her date hasn't goten here yet-Wait! Somebody's coming towards her table! Oh, it's only the waiter." _

_"Dammit, don't get my hopes up like that Renji!" _

"Guys, be quiet," Rukia scolded from inside the restaurant, "someone might here you over the earpiece."

_"Sorry, we'll be quiet," _Renji apologized. _"You in position?" _

"Yup," Rukia was currently in the restaurant's kitchen, dressed as one of the waitstaff. (Thank god she was able to convince the manager that they were lying in wait to catch a Yakuza mobster.) She even had a cheesy fake mustache to complete the ensemble, "ready and waiting."

_"Well, wait no longer,"_Tatsuki said, _"I think I see him pulling up right now."_

_"You sure?"_Renji wondered._"He seems a bit average for Rangiku's tastes."_

_"Of course I'm sure, it's a little thing called 'women's intuition'."_

_"Whatever, I'm just saying she could do a lot better then just some average, run-of-the-mill Joe." _

_"Please, have you seen her taste in men? Remember that date she went on with Hanatarou?"_

This piqued Rukia's interest.

"What date Hanatarou?"

_"Oh, she took Hanatarou on a date after his little incident with the fangirls," _Renji explained.

"Really? How'd that go?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou; *stuttering like crazy* "Y-y-you kn-know, you r-r-r-really didn't have t-t-to d-d-do this for me, R-r-r-rangiku-san."_

_Matsumoto Rangiku; *laying it on too thick* "What are you talking about, Hana-kun? I just thought it was time we got to know each other better." *smiles and raises eyebrow coyly* "Much. Better."_

_Hanatarou; Y-y-you know, I really d-d-don't mind that this is just a pity date because I got trampled by those fangirls, I don't!" _

_Matsumoto; "Really?" *leans forward and makes a valley with her ample bosom* "Is that really what you think this is?"_

_Hanatarou; *nosebleeds and falls backwards in his chair* _

_Matsumoto; *peaks over table* "Hanatarou?"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_"That's not important right now," _Renji said. _"Do you see the target? He just entered through the front door." _

"White hair, snake-like features, expensive Italian suit?"

_"Yeah," _confirmed Tatsuki, _"that's him." _

"He's kind of good looking," Rukia mused, looking the man over. "Rangiku didn't do too bad for herself."

_"But how do you know he's her date?" _persisted Renji.

"Because he just sat at her table," Rukia explained.

_"That could mean anything."_

"And he just gave her flowers."

_"So? Those could just be for the table." _

"Roses?" Rukia asked incredulously.

_"Maybe he just likes to over do it." _

"And now they're kissing."

Even from Rukia's post in the kitchen, she could see Renji's eye bug out to the size of hubcaps. When she looked back at her friend, she saw them performing a tongue exploration of each other's throats.

Deep, _deep_ exploration.

_"He could have just tripped." _

"But she's on top of him," Rukia pointed out.

_"Well, maybe that's because-"_

_"Oh for god's sake, Renji,"_ Tatsuki exploded, _"he's her date! Why can't you get that through your thick head?"_

"Maybe because it can't get past his thick eyebrows?" Rukia ventured.

Oh, _ZING_!

_"Oh, that does it, I'm gonna-"_

_"Hey, shut up for a second; I lost sight for Rangiku."_

She didn't know why but Rukia suddenly felt very worried.

"You're right; I can't find her from my end either."

"You should try looking behind you," a voice behind her said.

"Thanks, Rangiku!" Rukia said cheerfully, turning around to look behind her.

Then her brain caught up with her.

_To be continued..._

_Ooh, cliffie! I think this is the first one of the story, too._

_Well, I guess you'll just have to wait til next time to find out if our bumbling police officers can get out of this one gracefully. (Ballet lessons not included.)_


	8. Blind Date Pt2

_Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh! And now, The Layman proudly presents, (in futuristic Hi-Fi Stereo), the conclusion of the last chapter! (This one is actually going to have a slightly more serious bent in the middle, dealing with one of the back stories, so don't be too surprised if it gets a tad raw.)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia was in quite a pickle. Here she was, being all super stealthy and everything, and the one person she was hiding from had found her.

And it didn't help that she had it interrupted her target's date as well.

"Explain," Matsumoto Rangiku snarled, "NOW."

"Uh, me no comprende de, um, you speaky de-"

"Save it," Matsumoto bit. "And give me that radio, I have a few choice for that acting captain of ours." She thumbed the radio on, "Renji, are you listening?"

_"I'm sorry," _Renji, said, trying (that's the operative word here, "trying") to imitate an automated message, _"but the number your have reached is currently-"_

"Renji, I know it's you," Matsumoto deadpanned angrily, "so just shut up and listen. You too, Arisawa."

_"I'm sorry, but, '_Arisawa Tatuski', _is currently unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep."_ Well, so much for honesty, _"BEEP."_

"Never mind," Matsumoto sighed, chucking the radio behind her. It landed in a boiling pot on the stoves.

Needless to say, someone was going to be complaining about more than a fly in their soup tonight.

"Rukia," Matsumoto said firmly, grabbing her shoulders, "listen closely, because I'm only going to say this once and I need you to tell Renji and Tatsuki too. Got it?"

Rukia nodded solemnly, accepting defeat at the hands of her (rightly so) pissed-off friend.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Well, that couldn't have gone any worse if we tried," Renji sighed as he climbed into their police car. "What's the big deal anyways? So we spied on Rangiku's date; it's not like she hasn't done that before in her life."

"Yeah, 'cause you know that," Tatsuki pointed out sarcastically.

"Shut up Arisawa, all I meant was I think she was just overreacting a tad, is all."

"I don't know," Rukia said, "I think it was pretty clear when she said _'The next time I catch you spying on my dates, I'll personally render all of you incapable of ever bearing children',_ she meant it."

"Why's that?" Renji asked.

"Her eyes were blazing," Rukia explained, "literally."

"Aw," Tatsuki groaned, "don't you two start that again!" Wisely, the argument didn't continue.

They all sighed.

"I don't know about you guys," Tatsuki said after driving a few minutes in an awkward silence, "but I really need a cup of coffee." She pulled the car to the side of the road next to a small coffee booth and got out. "Any requests?" she asked.

Rukia and Renji both shook their heads no; they were both too depressed for coffee right now.

"So...," Rukia asked, attempting to break the uneasy silence that penetrated the car, "this isn't Matsumoto's first date, is it?"

"No," Renji said, getting a faraway look in his eye, "I guess technically it's not."

"'Technically'?"

"Yeah. She's been with other men before, but..." he hesitated, "not quite like that." He paused, unsure of what to say next. "You see, we weren't always the upstanding citizens we are today. Well, except for Hanatarou, he just happened to be walking by we were recruiting."

Rukia's eyes widened; this was a side of them she never would have guessed.

"Really?"

"Really," Renji continued. "Matsumoto imparticular used to be a prostitute before Jushirou-taichou found her and took her in."

Rukia gasped.

"I never got the whole story, but the gist of it is she was in pretty bad shape at that point. I think she might've been raped before that. Anyways, after the Taichou and a doctor friend of his nursed her back to health, he let her join the Force. But since I met her she's never really tried to form a relationship with anyone. In fact, other than the pity date with Hanatarou, this is the first time she's ever been alone with a man outside of Police business."

Rukia wiped a tear from her eye, she now had a new respect for the strawberry blond officer.

"But anyways, what's takin' Arisawa so long? It been, like, five minutes already!" With a huff he opened his door and went to find his compatriot.

Almost immediately after he left, the radio crackled to life.

_"Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?"_

"Isane," Rukia said, activating the receiver on her end. "what are you doing on this channel?"

_"Well, Yumichika dragged Ikkaku to this salon he always goes to, and my sister's passed out on the floor of the armory, so I guess I'm the only one left who could tell you."_

"Tell me what?" Rukia wondered.

_"Tell you that there there's wanted Yakuza in the restaurant that Matsumoto's in right now!" _

"Isane, that was just a cover story we told the waitstaff so we could sneak in."

_"Well, you must not have hit too far from home, because an a.p.b. just went out for him. That and the manager just called to tell us he saw him."_

Now Rukia was interested.

"What's he look like?"

_"Let's see," _Isane said, _"he has white hair-"_

"With snake-like features and an expensive looking Italian suit?" Rukia finished.

_"Yeah, how'd you know?"_

"Becasue that's Rangiku's date!" Rukia exclaimed.

On the other end of the line, Isane sweatdropped.

_"Oh, my, god."_

"I know! I need to tell Renji and Tatsuki about this!" She put down the mic and practically leaped out of the car; running to her friend at the small coffee stand. "Renji, Tatsuki!" Rukia called, slightly out of breath.

"What is it?" Tatsuki asked, turning her attention towards the diminutive cop.

"Yeah, we were just about to come back," Renji said, "you didn't have to come get us."

_Somehow, _Rukia thought, _they won't think that after I tell them._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Back at the restaurant, Matsumoto's date had been relatively smooth since she came to an, "agreement", with her fellow cops.

"So, tell me," her date, Ichimaru Gin, said, "what's it like being a cop?"

Matsumoto thought about it.

"Actually," she concluded, "it's rather boring. Nothing ever really happens in this town, and the stuff that does doesn't usually get any worse than a j-walker."

"Kind of makes you wonder if we really need cops."

"But it's not all bad; I pretty much get payed for doing nothing, and I've made a lot of friends too." She sighed, thinking of all the memories she shared with her friends on the force. The noodle incident at the Christmas drinking party stood out in her mind for some reason. "But enough about me, tell me about you."

"Well," Gin thought for a second, "I guess you could say I dabble in a little of everything; financial, pharmaceutical, even public service."

"Wow," Matsumoto breathed, "you must really rich then." She leaned closer, forming a valley with her oversized mounds. "I like rich men," she said, her voice dripping with seductiveness.

"And I like beautiful women," Gin said, closing the gap in another kiss. "You know," he said once they broke away, "something about you seems familiar, but I can't put my finger on it."

"Well, I did used to wear my hair shorter." She let her hair fall out of the bun it was in and pulled half of it out of the way.

"Wait, I remember now; Rangiku! You used to belong to Aizen-san, didn't you?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Uh-oh, this guy seems to know Matsumoto's secret, why is that? And will Matsumoto find out Gin's secret before it's too late? And will Rukia and the rest get there in time? And will I ever stop asking these questions? _

_And OK, I lied, this isn't the complete conclusion, but it wasn't originally planned like that. Trust me, the final part will be coming next, so bear with me. _

_Oh, and any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated since I'll be pretty much tapped out after this arc is finished. And feel free to include Ichigo in them as well. He was originally slated to appear in this chapter, but the way things are going there's the possibility it might not turn out that way. _


	9. Blind Date pt3

_OK, for real this time, the conclusion of "Blind Date"... (If you haven't picked up on it by now, some of the subject matter is a little heavier than the previous chatpers. Don't worry, you'll get you crack humor soon enough.)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Time stopped for Matsumoto Rangiku.

Here she was having a pleasant meal with an attractive (not to mention filthy rich) man, and it turns out he's the only person outside the KPD who knows her past life.

Could she _ever_ have a normal meal?

"How...how do you know that?" she stammered, her mind frantically trying to place the man seated across from her.

"Well, you see," he said, grinning menacingly, "I used to run the books for Aizen-sama's little prostitution ring." He smiled admiringly, "You raked in quite the little fortune for your efforts."

"No," she said, "that can't be right; that man had-"

"Black hair?" Ichimaru interrupted. "You'd be surprised how many way modern science has thought up to change your hair color."

Matsumoto was speechless; it was just her luck that the first relationship she formed had to be with one of the men who used to make her life a living hell.

"You must be wondering how I became this rich being only a bookkeeper?" he said, as if reading her mind.

In truth, she was legitimately wondering that.

"You see, I always siphoned a little cash away from the operations for personal use. When I finally had enough, I bribed Aizen-sama's bodyguards and the poor fool point blank. Since then I've continued most of his operations, plus branched out to a few thing I thought would be good investments."

"You do know you've just destroyed yourself," Matsumoto said, trying to muster up a bravado she didn't have. "The police have been watching this place the whole time, so they know everything you just said." A pretty convincing lie if she did say so herself.

"Oh no, whatever shall I do know?" he exclaimed in mock fright. You honestly expect me to believe that? The entire restaurant heard you yelling at that badly disguised cop before, and if I remember correctly, you made sure that her and her friends all left, right?"

_Damn,_ Matsumoto thought, _how could I forget that?_

"Now," Gin sneered, withdrawing a gun from inside his suit, "don't give me any trouble, and I won't be forced to take 'unpleasant measures'."

"Hurry up, Renji," Tatsuki yelled, "faster!"

"I'm going as fast as I can," Renji shot back, "considering we're in a freaking traffic jam!" For miles ahead and behind there was nothing but cars, so many that you couldn't even see the road.

The sides on the other hand...

"Change lanes!" Rukia shouted, pointing to the clear lane on their right.

"I already tried that," Renji retorted, "watch what happens." He pulled over into the clear lane, and almost immediately the lane was filled to bursting with cars, while the other lane cleared completely up.

"Oh."

"See? There's no way to get to Matsumoto fast enough like this."

"Then I guess we'll have to try something else," Tatsuki said adamantly, jumping out of the car and heading over to a bunch of loitering teenagers. "Hey, Delinquents!" she blared, flashing her badge, "I'm commandeering your vehicles!"

Three minutes later, the three police officers were tearing through the tragic, pedaling as fast as their legs could go.

Matsumoto stared down the barrel of the small handgun that was pointed at her, sweat beginning to run down her brow.

"Now," Gin said, his tone perfectly neutral, "shall we finish our date?"

Matsumoto glowered at Ichimaru. Damn it all, she was a cop now, and she was going to act like it. She wasn't going to let a smiley, two-bit snake like him intimidate her into submission.

"Yeah," she said evenly. "In fact, why don't we go someplace more private?" She mentally crossed her fingers.

"Sure, but be a good little whore and leave the knife here."

Matsumoto was stunned; how had he known? She'd made absolutely sure not to let him see her remove the knife from the table. Dejectedly, she held her hand out and let the restaurant cutlery clatter onto the table.

"Good. Now get on up and walk slowly out the door."

"You gotta be freaking kidding me!" Renji exploded, staring flabbergasted at the parade that blocked their path.

"Why would they have a parade when they know it's going to rain today?" Rukia asked. It was apparent by Tatsuki's face that the same thought was going through her mind as well.

Just then, fifty men and women walked by, holding banners and signs that said things like "Weather Forever!" and "All hail the great Weather gods!". Leading all of them was a large banner that said "Weather worshipers Unite!"

"Oh."

Today really wasn't Matsumoto's day. How she got into situations like this she would never know.

"That's right," Ichimaru said under his breath so as not to alarm the other patrons, "just keep acting natural." He himself got up and pulled her chair out. "After you."

Bingo.

She got up slowly, taking care to make her movements look completely natural. Then, without any warning, she turned around and knocked the gun out of his hand.

Unfortunately, Ichimaru was too quick; he grabbed her wrist and twisted her arm behind her back. Then, with his other hand, he drew a hidden knife and pressed it up against her throat. Hard.

"Now see what you did?" he scolded. "Now I'll have to discipline you when we get back." His snake-like face looked almost forlorn, "A pity, you might have actually been able to make your former quota if you cooperated."

Matsumoto began to cry now. She remembered what they did to her before they left her for dead back then. Before Ukitake found her...

"Listen up everyone," Ichimaru called, addressing the crowd, "if anyone tries to stop me from leaving, I'll slit this lady's throat, kill whoever it is who tries, and take a new hostage, OK?"

"Go figure," Renji groused, "there just _had_ to be construction on _this_ road!"

For at least a half mile down the road were municipal workers and public contractors, each working on some project or other that took up most (if not all) of the road.

"Don't worry," Tatsuki said, her eyes blazing, "I'll clear us a path!" And with that she sped off, plowing through anything that stood in her way.

"Did she really have ride straight through everything to find a path?" Rukia sweatdropped.

"Who cares," Renji said, also sweatdropping, "I'm just glad she's on _our_ side."

Ichimaru had finally lead his captive out the door of the restaurant and was now heading to his car.

"Now," he said, shoving her roughly towards a black sedan, "get in before anyone else decides to-Urk!"

Matsumoto turned around and gasped in surprise; Ichimaru was sprawled unconscious on the pavement. Standing over him, his leg stil hanging in the air from the kick that leveled the snake-like Yakuza, was-

"Ichigo?" Matsumoto exclaimed in surprise.

"Hey Rangiku," Ichigo grunted, "long time, no see."

"Yeah," Rangiku stammered, still waiting for her brain to catch up with her nor rabbit-like heart. Finally, she said, "Um, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, I was suppose to have lunch with my sisters, but my _Idiot Father_ gave me the wrong directions and I ended up here." He nudged Ichimaru lightly with his toe, "Then I saw this guy dragging you out here, and thought you could use a hand."

"Yeah," she said again, "thanks." She glanced down at the unconscious Yakuza, "I don't want to think about what would happen if he got me in the car." Then she sighed and slumped to the ground, "I don't think I could take going back to that life."

"Yeah," Ichigo agreed, kneeling beside her, "from what I've heard it didn't sound pretty."

For a few minutes that both sat in silence, until Ichigo broke it, saying, "You know what will help you forget about this?"

Matsumoto looked up at him, confusion in her eyes. "No, what?"

Finally, after three more traffic jams, lunch, a movie, another parade (for the 'Snail Appreciation Society'), churos, another movie (though technically it was the same movie, they just liked it so much that they saw it again), dinner, and a quick spin at an arcade, our three bumbling police officers made it to the restaurant Matsumoto was eating at.

"Everybody freeze!" Renji yelled, barging through the front door, his gun out and ready. And the surprising thing was, everyone _did_ freeze.

Only their petrification was immediately followed by collective sweatdrops.

"May I help you, Sir?" the Matre D asked, an eyebrow raised quizzically.

"Um," Renji stammered as Rukia and Tatuski came in behind him, "where's the Yakuza?"

"I believe he was arrested hours ago, where have you been?"

"Dammit," Tatsuki groaned, "I _knew_ we shouldn't have stopped for churos!"

_Yeah,_ Rukia thought wryly, _cause it wasn't those fifty other things we did before we got here._

"So who made the arrest?" Ruika asked, trying to save face.

"I believe it was a Citizen's Arrest," the Matre D said, "some young fellow with bright orange hair."

"Ichigo?" Tatsuki gasped. "I didn't see him here earlier."

"Who cares," Renji exclaimed, "I'm just glad ol' Strawberry showed his face again. I haven't seen him in forever!"

"I wonder what's he's doing now?" Rukia wondered out loud. "And for that matter, where's Rangiku?"

"Uuuhn," Ichimaru groaned, slowly regaining consciousness, "where am I?"

_"Well, I see you finally woke up, cutie pie, _Matsumoto's voice said from everywhere. _"Did you have a nice nap?"_

"Matsumoto? What's going on?" He looked around the room, but all he saw were four walls.

_"Oh, I thought I'd just show you how much I 'appreciated' our date earlier." _Ichimaru wasn't quite sure, (what with the head injury and all), but he thought she said "appreciate" with a little too much..._evil._ _"In fact, I had a song recorded just for the occasion."_

_Only a song?_ Ichimaru thought. _This isn't going to be so bad._

_"And by the way,"_ Ichigo's voice suddenly said, _"this is my father singing along to 'Baby' by Justin Beiber, so you might want to find some earplugs if I were you."_

What little color was in Ichimaru's face immediately drained away.

_"Rangiku, would you like to do the honors?"_

_"Oh, I'd love to,"_ she said, her voice dripping with malicious intent.

On the other side of the mirrored glass, Matsumoto sat comfortably, flipping a switch that wound send the horrendous sound pumping through the interrogation room.

A moment later she and Ichigo saw Gin grab his ears and begin to thrash and convulse around.

_And that's also for skipping out on the bill, _Matsumoto thought pleasantly, glad she had friends that would go the trouble of reverse-soundproofing an interrogation room so she could torture her 'date'.

Yes, life was good...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there you have it folks, a little Ran-Gin-ku for all the one people who asked! And in the mean time, send any other requests you have lying around. I can't write this story all by myself, you know._

_(forgive any spelling errors you might find, stupid Doc editor spell check does work!)_

_**Update: I finally fixed all the spelling errors in this chapter, so ignore that last line.**_


	10. Shopping Spree

_All right, as promised, this chapter is going to be chock full of crack humor. So if you'll please keep your seats in an upright position we'll begin this story shortly._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"All right Peacock Boy, you move!"

"What are you talking about, Bullet Head, it's your move!

"No, it's your move, you woman in man's clothing!"

"Your move, Pachinko ball!"

"Your move!"

"Your move!"

"Your move!"

"Your move!"

Life as normal at the Karakura Police Department.

"What the hell is that racket?" Kiyone asked, having just entered the room.

"Oh, hi Kiyone," Rukia said, handing Quincy the mouse to Ichigo.

"As far as I can tell," Ichigo said as he pet Quincy, "Yumichika and Ikkaku are arguing over who should make the first move in Checkers."

"Well, why don't they just flip a coin?" the befuddled toe-head wondered.

"That just the thing," Rukia explained, "they can't decide who should flip the coin."

Across the room, Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"I think I'm going to go take a nap," Kiyone sweatdropped, "things'll probably make more sense in my dreams than in reality right now."

"Whatever," Ichigo waved, trying to be gentle with the mouse he was holding. He turned to Rukia, "So you say this little guy almost singlehandedly demolished half of Urahara's store?"

"Yeah, but he's harmless now-"

"Hey guys," Matsumoto called from the kitchen, "we're out of Saké again!" She poked her head into the office, "Would anyone mind running out and getting some more?"

"Why don't you just get it yourself?" Renji asked, sounding annoyed.

"Because I have some very important paperwork that needs to get done that I've been putting off for too long."

"Which means that it's almost time for your daily five-hour nap," Tatsuki corrected.

"Exactly," Rangiku said, not even bothering to deny it, "so could someone please do that? We actually need to go shopping anyways."

"Didn't we just go shopping two weeks ago?" Isane asked.

"We did, but you know how fast everyone always goes through the food, especially the guys."

"Hey, I resent that!" Yumichika shouted, his verbal sparing match with Ikkaku temporarily forgotten. "I'll have you know that you don't get a beautiful figure like mine by overindulging."

"Yeah, whatever," Matsumoto said, waving him off, "that still doesn't change the fact that we're out of both food _and_ Saké, so somebody better get their butt down to the store and-"

"Alright alright!" Ichigo screamed. "I'll go! You happy now?" Matsumoto nodded, and then headed back into the kitchen, presumably to see if she overlooked anything in her search for alcohol.

"Boy, you've just become her lapdog since you've been back," Renji chuckled, "haven't you?"

"Oh shut up!" Ichigo shouted. Then he stomped towards the front doors, muttering something about that "Red fern with racing stripes". "Come on, Kuchiki," muttered as he passed Rukia's station, grabbing her arm in the process, "You're coming with me."

"What!" Rukia exclaimed. "Why?"

"Because you're the closest," he explained. Then, he whispered, "and because you're really the only sane one here aside from myself. So let's go get this over with."

About ten minutes later, Ichigo and Rukia arrived at the local Supermart and began their shopping.

"So what do you guys usually get?" Rukia asked out of genuine curiosity.

"I don't know," Ichigo shrugged, "it's usually differs depending on whoever gets suckered into going."

When he saw Rukia looked confused, he explained further, "Like if Tatsuki does it (for example), she usually comes back with a bunch of high protein stuff and the like. Matsumoto always overbuys on the Saké, so we never let her go unsupervised.

"Yumichika always gets a lot of diet food and cosmetics, so he never goes either. And Isane is physically incapable of buying anything not healthy, so she's out too." By now Rukia was laughing, it was fun leaning about her comrades' eating habits.

"What about Hanatarou?" she asked when her giggles died down. "Did you ever send him shopping?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Random Cashier Girl; "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you're one item over the limit."_

_Hanatarou; "B-b-b-but I only have thirteen items! How is that over the limit?_

_Cashier girl; "Because this is the 'twelve items or less' lane; and I'm afraid we don't service anyone with more. Store policy." _

_Hanatarou; "What? That's a stupid store policy."_

_Cashier girl; *speaks into microphone* "Security to register 3, we've got a code 4-1." _

_*Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Hanatarou is tackled by a bunch of former Sumo, Rugby, Hockey, and Football players in Security uniforms. They then proceed to beat the living crap out of him before roughly throwing him out of the store*_

_Hanatarou; *weakly* "My...spleen..."_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Once," Ichigo said simply.

He didn't say anything else after that.

"Um," Rukia sweatdropped, trying to find a way out of the awkwardness they'd just stumbled into, "what about Ikkaku?"

"If I remember correctly," Ichigo said, thinking back, "Ikkaku usually just gets junk food, and a good scolding from both Yumichika _and _Isane.

Rukia chuckled, she was enjoying this.

"Renji actually gets a little of everything," Ichigo continued, "but because of that there's not a lot to go around and fights break out." Ichigo chuckled, "Ukitake-taichou hardly ever did the shopping on account of his terrible health. But I remember one time he did go; he came back with five bags full of prescriptions."

"Five bags?" Rukia asked, disbelieving.

"Yeah. When we asked him about it, he said that his doctor, (Unohana Retsu-sensei), told him that she'd spike whatever meds he had left with laxatives if he didn't start taking better care of himself."

By this time Rukia was practically doubled over with laughter. She'd heard stories of their absent chief, but this was the first one with him as the victim.

The fact that it tied into the shopping habits conversation didn't hurt either.

Finally, (and because she was starting to garner stares from the other shoppers), she became winded and had to stop laughing if she wanted to remain upright.

"So", she eventually asked after she caught her breath, "what about you?"

Ichigo screeched to a stop in front of the sauces.

"What do you mean, 'what about me'?" he asked cautiously.

"I mean what did you usually get when you did the shopping?"

Ichigo thought for a moment.

"You know," he said finally, "I think this is the first time I've done the Station's shopping."

Now it was Rukia's turn to stop dead in her tracks.

However, before she could say anything, shouts of "Look out!" and "Get out of the way!" suddenly came from down the aisle. When they both turned to see what was going on, what met their eyes was worse than either of them could imagine.

Barreling towards them at a breakneck speed of 6 mph was one of those grocery store granny carts, with a granny asleep at the handlebars.

"Rukia, look out!" Ichigo yelled, shoving the diminutive policewoman out of the way of the maniacal sleeping, speeding granny.

Ichigo himself, however, wasn't so lucky, as the runaway cart barreled into him, knocking him against a row of tomato sauce.

"Ichigo!" Rukia yelled, picking herself up and rushing over to her downed comrade. "Ichigo, are you alright?"

"*cough*, Rukia...," Ichigo coughed.

"Ichigo..." Rukia whimpered as she notice that half his face was now covered in red. He coughed again, and he hacked up some type of red fluid. "Don't worry Ichigo, I'm going to call Isane and we're gonna take you to a hospital."

"Uh, Rukia-"

"Don't speak," she said with a bit more drama than might have been necessary, "you've lost too much blood already. Just lay down, and-"

"It not blood, dammit!" he shouted, finally losing his cool.

"It's not?" she asked, genuinely surprised.

"NO! Of course not; it's just fricking tomato sauce!"

Rukia stared at the chunky red liquid covering Ichigo's face. After a while she wiped a bit off and gave it a taste.

Sure enough, it was tomato sauce. Prego, to be precise.

"Oh," Rukia said sheepishly, her face turning the same color as the sauce on Ichigo's.

"Let's just go get the rest of this junk and get out of here," Ichigo said, wiping the rest of his face off.

"Yeah," Rukia agreed, hoping she wouldn't be ridiculed for this when they got back.

Though knowing the other officers, they'd be too busy arguing about the small quantities of food they'd be getting.

Well, for about three and a half minutes, anyways.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there's the IchiRuki! Because it's easily the most popular ship on this dang site. Also, you don't know how long I've been waiting to use that sauce gag!_

_Tune in next time (same Bat time, same Bat channel) when we go in depth with all the force! If you thought this chapter might have been lacking on the crack, the next one will have more than a 50 mile long meth lab!_


	11. We made it all up!

_Today, I going to try a different writing format than I've been using so far. Also, I recommend reading BLEACH Weekly Tabloid by Kiba Wolf before you read this. It's where most of the inspiration for this chapter is drawn, and it's just a dang funny read to boot! _

_Anyways, let's get on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

*disclaimer*; The Karakura Inquirer would like to remind you that if Urahara Kisuke tries to ask a favor of you, run. We don't care what he offers you, JUST RUN.

Heyo! It's everybody's favorite reporter Everyman, and today we're going to take an inside look at the force that keeps this fair city safe, (though nothing really happens anyways), the Karakura Police Department!

And trust me, have _we_ got dirt on them!

Our story begins when we ran into Lieutenant Kotetsu Isane taking out the trash. And by trash, we mean garbage.

Everyman: Hi there, Lieutenant! What'cha doing?

Isane: Who are you and why are you so loud?

Everyman: We're the Karakura Inquirer! And what do you mean loud?

Isane: You use a lot of exclamation points when you type.

Everyman: If that wasn't totally breaking the fourth wall then that would probably be a very good argument!

Isane: And why do you talk in the third person anyways? There's only one of you?

Everyman: *smack!* Silence heathen monkey!

With the freakishly tall heathen monkey who _totally _didn't know what she was talking about out of the way, we proceeded to enter the building and pounced on-I mean, "interviewed" the first person we saw.

Wanna guess who it was?

Quincy the Mouse: *Squeak!*

Everyman: _Really?_ Tell me more.

Quincy: *squeak.*

Everyman: Oh, you know _that's _right!

Quincy: *squeak!*

Everyman: She _did_ that? Really?

Quincy: *nods* *squeak.*

Everyman: I didn't even know it was _possible _to do that with Firecracker Pocky...

Rukia; What was possible? And what are you talking to my mouse about?

Ah! Our first victim!

Everyman: Oh, just passing the time until one of you showed up. And you did!

Rukia: _Riiiiight_... So who are you?

Everyman: THAT, is an excellent question! But the more important question, Kuchiki Rukia, is who are _you_!

Rukia: *wearily* What do you mean?

Everyman: What I mean, is...*leans in really close and pulls out a recording device* For how long, exactly, have you been sleeping with every male member of this police force and Yumichika?

Rukia: WHAT!

Everyman: *sighs* OK, I'll repeat the question; how long-

Rukia: I MOST CERTAINLY HAVE _NOT _BEEN SLEEPING AROUND WITH THE FORCE!

Everyman: So you're denying all the rumors than?

Rukia: Of _course_ I'm denying them! Do you really think my standards are that low?

Everyman: Your liberal use of CAPS two paragraphs ago is starting to make us think so!

Rukia: Besides, if anyone around here would do that it would be Rangiku.

Everyman: _Reeeeeally?_

Rukia: *shrugs* I guess so?

Everyman: So then you also deny the rumors that you have secret fantasies involving mayonnaise?

Rukia: WHO TOLD YOU!

Everyman: -_-'

At this point we decided that it would be rude to monopolize all the time we have just interviewing Rukia (Though she's turning into a veritable gold mine. Expect a follow-up review in the near future.), so we headed off to find another member of our fine Boys in Blue.

To our luck, we found the Force's resident Odd Couple, Madarame Ikkaku and Ayasegawa Yumichika.

Everyman: Hey guys!

Ikkaku: Who the [censor] are you?

Everyman: We're, uh...Bob!

Yumichika: Bob? What an ugly name. *looks Everyman over* Though it would explain your appearance.

Everyman: We're confused!

Yumichika: *sighs* You see, it is a natural law that people with "ichi" in their name are naturally good looking, like myself and Ikkaku here.

Ikkaku: Damn straight!

Everyman: Does that apply to Kurosaki Ichigo as well?

Both: *shrug* Eh...

Everyman: Very informative. So anyways...*leans in close and pulls out a recording device* How does feel being the Force's resident gay couple?

Both: *do mother of all spit takes* WHAT?

Ikkaku: I am most certainly _NOT_ gay!

Everyman: OK, Pachinko Ball's not gay, but how about you, Peacock Brows?

Gay-*ahem* Yumichika: Contrary to popular belief, I do not, in fact, prefer men to women.

Ikkaku; Though, Matsumoto doesn't seem to have any particular preference.

Everyman: _Reeeeeally?_

Yumichika: Now if you'll excuse us Ikkaku here was just giving me a back message.

Everyman: O-kaaaaaaaaay... I'm just going to find someone else to victim-I mean interview! Yeah! That's it! But first... *snatches Yumichika's wig, then makes like a tree and gets the [censor] out of here!*

Yumichika: [censor]ING GIVE ME BACK MY [censor] WIG YOU [censor] [censor]!

We gathered that Yumi, Ichi(Ikkaku), and Yumi's afro wanted some alone time, so we headed off to the shooting range where we found Arisawa Tatsuki laying round after round into some helpless target dummy.

Everyman: You know, here didn't really do anything to you.

Tatsuki: HOLY [censor]! Where the [censor] did you come from!

Everyman: We've always been here!

Tatsuki: I highly doubt that.

Everyman: No, it's true! We've just never let you see us before!

Tatsuki: *holds said gun to Everyman's head*

Everyman: Wait! Stop! We just want to ask you some questions!

Tatsuki: *puts gun down* I'm listening.

Everyman: OK then...*leans in and pulls out recording device* How do you respond to the allegations that you are secret Lesbian lovers with a Miss Honso Chizuru?

Tatsuki: WHAT!

Everyman: You know, people have been saying that to me a lot lately-

Tatsuki: WHAT THE [censor] WOULD MAKE YOU [censor]ING THINK I'D GO SIXTY FEET OF THAT [censor] [censor]ER [censor] CHICKEN[censor]!

Everyman: So you're saying that _isn't_ true?

Tatsuki: [censor] NO!

Everyman: You seem like a very angry individual.

Tatsuki: Actually, this is nothing; Rangiku actually made made some poor sap listen to Ichigo's dad singing to some androgynous bubblegum pop star.

Everyman: _Reeeeeeeally?_

Tatsuki: At least that's what Ichigo tells me about it.

Everyman: This Rangiku person is sounding more and more interesting by the minute!

Tatsuki: I guess that's one way to put it.

Everyman: By the way, is it true that you skip out on your anger management classes?

Tatsuki: TATSUKI SPECIAL; DRAGON KICK!

After we were given a friendly demonstration of Miss Arisawa's excellent police training, we headed up to the second floor where we found Kurosaki Ichigo, Abarai Renji, and Kotetsu Kiyone playing cards.

Everyman: You guys might as well fold, Miss Kotatsu has the winning hand.

Renji and Ichigo: [censor]! NOT AGAIN!

Kiyone: Hee hee, come to Mama! *pulls pile of bottle caps towards her*

Renji: That's the twelfth time she's kicked our asses at this game!

Everyman: Really? What are you playing?

Ichigo: Go Fish.

Everyman: -_-'

Ichigo: I know.

Everyman: You guys both suck at this.

Renji: I KNOW! *sighs* I need a drink. *gets beer for fridge*

Everyman: *turns to Ichigo and Kiyone* You guys don't mind if we borrow Pineapple Head for a few minutes, do you?

Ichigo and Kiyone: *shake heads*

Everyman: Thanks! *grabs Renji mid swig and drags him out of the room*

Renji: [censor]DAMMIT! You don't just grab a guy in the middle of his drink!

Everyman: Sorry about that, but we have a few questions we'd like to ask you! *leans in and-aw, you know the rest* We were wondering if you could tell us about-

Renji: THOSE ASSAULT CHARGES WERE DROPPED!

Everyman: *sweatdrops* (_Didn't even get to the "WHAT!"_) We never said anything about that, we just wanted to know about your problems as a raging drunk.

Renji: Oh, I don't drink.

Everyman: *raises eyebrow and looks at the bottle in Renji's hand*

Renji: I mean I don't drink like that. That's Rangiku's job.

Everyman: _Reeeeeeally?_

Renji: Yeah, she gets really crazy when she drinks, too. In fact, one time...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_The Karakura Inquirer would like to inform you that the following segment has been edited out do to an overexcessiveness of adult content (Please, we have double standards here people!). For now, let's just say that events NOT described involved dental floss, octopus gumbo, a garden hose, a monkey wrench, and an Alpaca._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Renji: ...And Hanatarou ended up in traction for _months_ after that!

Everyman: You know, we think we've been going about this whole thing the wrong way; we should've gone after Matsumoto Rangiku first!

Renji: If you want to talk to her, I think she's on the roof; she usually goes up there to get drunk.

Everyman: Then we're off! Thanks a ton, Fake Eyebrows!

Renji: WHAT!

Armed with the knowledge that we might possibly be getting best story of our careers, we headed up to the roof! Said Matsumoto Rangiku already up there, having an interesting argument with a poll.

And the poll was winning.

Matsumoto: ...C'mon, I _dare_ you to shay tha' again!

Everyman: Miss Rangiku!

Matsumoto: Huh? Oh, hey therrre Ahnold! Was wonderin' when you'd get here. "Get to the choppa"!

Everyman: Um, we're not-

Matsumoto: *thrusts a bottle into Everyman's hands* Drink up!

Everyman: Well, we can't argue with that logic!

As we settle down with the clearly inebriated cop, she begins to go off on tangent after tangent, confirming everything we made up- *ahem*, I mean, "suspected" about the Karakura Police Department. And even a few things we didn't!

Needless to say, there was just too much stuff to put in a single issue, so stay tuned for the next five years while we print all of it out!

In closing, we left extremely happy, know that we got way more than we bargained for. I mean, if we don't make Editor after this... Anyhow, we're off to follow the rumors of a purple haired woman who chases bird in the park, and can't seem to keep her pants on!

Although, we can't help feeling that we might have forgotten something...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Isane: *hogtied and stuffed in a dumpster somewhere* Hello? Anybody? I'm not sure this is entirely sanitary! I'm probably going to get nightmares from this. And trust me, nobody wants that! *Suddenly, rats materialize and begin running all over Isane* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there you have it, my tribute to Kiba Wolf and The BLEACH Weekly Tabloid! I'd also like to point out that I don't act like that in Real Life. _

_Anyways, next chapter begins the long awaited Halloween special. So send me suggestions for different movies to parody! Trust me, the crack will abound!_


	12. Happy Belated Trippy Halloween!

_Happy Halloween!...Really late! Anyways, I know y'all must be hungry for some good laughs, so just sit back and enjoy the crack!_

_Long overdue disclaimer; Bleach is the product of Kubo Tite-sama and is owned by Shonen Jump and Viz media._

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

"Banzai!"

Clink!

Ah, Halloween. One of the few nights where the KPD could just sit back, relax, and do nothing. OK, they pretty much did nothing anyways, but they didn't have candy any other time, did they?

Oh yeah, and it was another excuse to throw a drinking party.

Which is where we find our intrepid policemen (and women) now, clinking their various bottles, glasses, and cans together in a toast to who knows what!

"You know what I love about Halloween?" Matsumoto asked, fiddling with one of her fake ears. (Yes, she was dressed as Bunny Girl for Halloween. Are you _really_ that surprised?)

"No," said a Grim Reaper Kiyone, "what?"

"These cute little bags all the candy comes in," she said, holding up one of those said bags for emphasis.

"The little bags?" Donald Trump Renji asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Matsumoto nodded, "they're just so dang cute!"

"She does have a point," Micheal Jackson Yumichika agreed. "They _are_ some of the less obnoxious packages for candy. The normal ones are rather ugly and pretty much only say 'eat me and destroy your gums! Bonus five pounds free!'"

"Come on Yumichika," Bubblegum Pop Rukia said as she pet Harry Potter Quincy, "it's not that bad."

"Yeah," Rambo Isane pointed out, "it's not like it goes straight to your hips."

Yumichika said nothing as a bashful look spread over his face.

Across the room, Yumichika's Pirate cricket chirped.

"He won't admit it," Fabio Ikkaku (complete with fake wig) said, "but that actually does happen. Instantaneously."

"Oh yeah," Mohamed Ali Tatsuki chuckled, "I remember that; he had an after diner mint one night and his legs swelled up to the size beach balls!"

"I thought we were never going to talk about that anymore?" Yumichika said through gritted teeth.

"I wasn't there," Dracula Ichigo pointed out, "I made no such promise."

"So, wait..." Rukia said, sounding slightly confused, "then how do you-"

Ding Dong!

"Now who could that be?" Kiyone wondered.

"Maybe it's more Trick-or-Treaters?" Rukia said, heading towards the door. She opened the door, and then screamed as she ducked into cover.

Standing in the doorway was the same white faced, orange coned, sideways hat clown from her dream a month ago.

"Oh come on," the clown exasperated, "my costume's not _that_ bad."

"Kurosutchi-san?" Kiyone said, squinting at the newcomer.

"Konbanwa, Kotetsu-san," the clown bowed, "how are your two friends? Not suffering any ill effects from that nasty spill they took, I hope."

"Not any worse then they were before," Kiyone shrugged.

"So what are you doing here anyway?" Ikkaku said, trying to size the pharmacist clown up. However, since the clown still had a few inches on him (even _with_ the Fabio hair) the gesture wasn't as effective as it could have been.

"Actually, I'm here because of my maid."

"Nemu-chan?" Isane asked. "Is she in some kind of trouble?"

"No no, nothing like that. She was just riding my case all day about how-" he made air quotes here, "-'I don't get out enough' and 'I should be more sociable'. She even made me bring these!" He brought out a tray of fresh brownies form behind his back.

"Brownies!" everyone sans Yumichika and Rukia (the former because it was too undignified, the later because she was still hiding) shouted with delight.

"And the worst part was I had to bake them myself! Until I realized that Baking is just edible Chemistry, then it didn't bother me too much."

"So where is Nemu, anyways?" Kiyone asked, being the only one with remotely enough self-control at this time to tears herself away from the brownies.

"She's still at home, keeping an eye on a few special orders that need constant attention."

"Well tell her 'hi' for me!" she chirped as she once again dove for the brownies.

"Of course," Kurosutchi sweatdropped as he turned back towards his car.

Soon after he left, Yunichika (because he always had a weakness for brownies) and Rukia (because the scary clown had left) began to ravenously devour whatever brownies their cohorts hadn't already grabbed for themselves.

Unfortunately, Yunichika soon got into a fight with Ikkaku because he thought Ikkaku had taken all of the "beautiful" ones, and soon everyone joined the brawl just for the fun of it.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

-(11 minutes later)-

"Ugh," Rukia groaned, rubbing her throbbing temples, "what happened?"

"I believe," a cultured, British voice said, "that you were in what is commonly know as a 'Dog Pile'."

Rukia looked around wildly, trying to find the mouth that went with the voice. Though in retrospect, the throbbing pain in her head told her, she shouldn't have done it so roughly.

"Oh, I'm down here, you diminutive simpleton!" the voice said with an exasperated sigh.

Rukia looked down, and at her feet she saw, in reading glasses and an elegant smoking jacket-

"Quincy?"

"Yes," Quincy said, "I am your pet mouse."

"B-b-b-but..." Rukia stammered, "you can talk!"

"Of course I can!" the mouse shouted indignantly. "Why wouldn't I be able to talk in your dreams you vertically challenged police dog!"

"Wait," Rukia said, doing a double take, "I'm dreaming?"

"Oh," Quincy sighed, "and I thought you were slow in reality..."

Rukia just stared, dumbfounded. She didn't _think_ she was dreaming. But then again, would she even be aware of something like that?

"OK," she said slowly. "so I'm dreaming. So then why isn't everything made of fluffy bunnies?"

Quincy sweatdropped.

"That's not important. Right now, you should be more worried about waking up."

"Why?" Rukia persisted. "It's my mind, right? It's not like there's anything that could-"

BOOM!

"Everyone has their demons, Rukia," Quincy explained, leaping onto a large rock and pulling Excalibur form it. "You're on your own now; just find each new door and you should be fine."

"What door?" Rukia asked, before turning around and seeing a large, pink, fluffy bunny door with an exit sign above it. "Oh..."

"You incompetent midget!" Quincy shouted hurriedly. "Don't just stand there, go through so I can make my racquetball game with Yumichika's cricket!"

Rukia sweatdropped, but ran towards the door anyways. When she opened it, a bright white light engulfed her...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Man, what was in those brownies? I mean, Kurosutchi made them, but it was to Nemu's recipe. Which begs the question, where'd she get the recipe? Oh, I hope to God it wasn't Orihime..._

_Anyways, if you want to see a certain movie or movies parodied, then now's the time to say so! Reviews and PMs work fine..._


	13. Iron Fisted Will

_Well, I got a few suggestions, and I promise I will get to them eventually. In the mean time, I'm going to do something I hadn't originally planned. I won't spoil the surprise, but if you like your video games on a 2-D plane with a fair amount memorization, you'll probably get a lot out of this._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

As the light faded, Rukia began to feel different. Not much, but the sensation she was feeling in her body was slightly different now than when she met Quincy.

But for the life of her she couldn't place it.

She looked around and saw that she was in a classroom; a completely, utterly, and totally normal looking classroom. She had to admit, she wasn't expecting something so normal looking in this weird dream world.

"Miss Kuchiki!" a booming voice at the head of the classroom roared.

"Hai, Sensei!" Rukia blurted, snapping to attention.

"I'm sure we're all glad that you _didn't_ decide to be tardy today," some scattered chuckles were heard around the room, "but if you want to protest something, I suggest going back to the 1960's."

For a moment Rukia looked at the teacher in confusion, until he motioned for her to look down. She complied, noticing anything wrong. That is, until one _very_ unignorable fact jumped out at her.

She. Was. Stark. Fricking. Naked.

In front of the _entire class! _

She blushed wildly, and immediately threw her arms over her chest. As she tried to make herself as small as possible (which, in all honesty, wasn't really all that hard), she heard raucous laughter erupt behind her. Against her better judgment, Rukia turned to around to see the whole class in various form of giddy stitches. But that wasn't even the worst part.

The worse part was that in addition to whatever class this was, all Rukia's friends from the Force were laughing at her as well!

When the wolf whistles started, Rukia let her head fall to her desk with a "Thud!", wishing she could just roll over dead so she wouldn't have to deal with the grotesque embarrassment.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_"Round 1!" _a voice boomed from nowhere, jerking Rukia's head back up.

_What the hell? _Rukia wondered. _Is the Principal making an announcement?_

_"FIGHT!"_

_Wait a second, what does he mean fi-_

"HEEYAHH!"

"ACK!" Rukia yelled, jumping back just instants before a deadly kick connected with her face.

"Pretty good," a familiar voice praised, "but don't think that alone will let you win the match!"

_Match? _Rukia thought, still trying to grasp what exactly was happening. She looked around again and took in the new scenery; she was in an ancient looking castle (complete with platforms and a surprising amount of green for something so otherwise dark grey), there was a pit or something between her and her apparent adversary (Have you guessed where this is yet?), and she was wearing a Chinese-looking outfit that made her thighs seem twice as lerge as normal.

Her opponent, looking _extremely_ imposing in what looked like the female version of a Bruce Lee costume, was-

"Tatsuki?" Rukia exclaimed.

"That's _Arisawa-sama,_ The Greatest Fighter Under the Heavens!"

Rukia said nothing.

"As in," Tatsuki continued, "the woman-who-won-a-thousand-tourneys-and-is-going-to-kick-your-puny-ass-right-now?"

Rukia said nothing again. Louder this time.

"As in," Tatsuki continued still, "I don't know, shouldn't you be scared or something?"

"Um," Rukia said eloquently, "not really. I mean, we work together and everything, why should I be scared?"

"This is why," Tatsuki said, orange flames dancing around her, "Arisawa Special Attack; Dragon Super Kick!"

And just like that, Tatsuki was flying towards her with a kick that even Chuck Norris would have dodged. (Not that Chuck Norris would even be fazed by that or anything. I mean, the man doesn't even sleep, he fricking waits! When he wants coffee, he grinds it with his teeth and boils the water with his rage! He even counted to freaking Infinity! Twice! He even knows where Waldo is, what the numbers in Lost mean, and what the Ultimate Question to Life, the Universe, and Everything is for crying out loud!

*Smack!*

Where was I- Oh right, story...)

Rukia took the full force of the kick in her chest and sailed back a solid fifteen feet.

"Uh," she groaned as she began to pick herself up. As her eyes began to focus, she saw several large screens in the background with hers and Tatsuki's names on them. Below their names were bars that each took up half the screen. Only, Rukia's was already halfway depleted.

Tatsuki's bars was completely full and pulsating.

"So," Tatsuki taunted, making the "come at me" gesture, "had enough yet?"

"Is this because I ate the last of your ohagi the other night?" Rukia asked, wheezing a bit.

"That was you!" Tatsuki screamed in a rage so great that the flames that danced around her actually started to consume the arena.

"Eep!" Rukia squeaked.

"Arisawa Ultimate Attack;" Tatsuki yelled, jumping high into the air in a dazzling display of improbable physics, "Flying Dragon Super Kick!"

Tatsuki then barreled straight towards Rukia, friction heat actually building up on her foot she was going so fast. At the very last second, Rukia crossed her arms in front of her chest and caught the kick in mid flight. However, the kick was too powerful and she was still thrown back. That kick had almost taken out the rest of Rukia's life bar.

Almost; there was still one point left.

_"Finish her!" _the disembodied, ominous voice chimed, obviously prompting Tatsuki to take the last remaining point from her opponent. She was just about to let loose the finishing blow when-

"I surrender!"

"Nani?" Tatsuki asked, her fist mere inches from Rukia's face.

"I surrender, I yield, uncle, Ollie-ollie-oxenfry, I'm done," Rukia prattled.

"Are you serious?" Tatsuki asked incredulously. "You actually think surrendering is going to save you?"

"Is it working?" Rukia asked hopefully (*cough*pathetically*cough*). Tatsuki sighed.

"I guess it is: I'm not so dishonorable that I'd punish someone so beneath my level like you." Tatsuki reached out her hand, "Besides, beating you up would only lower my skill percentage."

"Um, thanks?" Rukia said as she accepted Tatsuki's hand.

_"Tie Round!" _

"Oh shut up!" Tatsuki and Rukia both yelled.

"Here," Tatsuki tossed something small to Rukia, "no hard felling about the beat down, OK?"

"Sure," Rukia said as she headed out of the arena.

As Rukia walked away, she looked down at the object Tatsuki had given her. It was a fortune cookie, and Rukia realized that she was feeling a little peckish. She opened the cookie and popped the two halves in her mouth. On the paper inside there was the typical lucky numbers and the random Chinese word, as well as the words "Sometimes you can even find victory in defeat".

_How appropriate, _Rukia thought wryly.

When she looked up again, she saw a small platform with light shooting up from it and an "exit" sign floating above it.

As she stepped onto the platform the light enveloped her and soon completely fills her vision.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_So, who can guess the theme of this chapter? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller? (I'll give you a hint; Down, Down/Left, Left, Punch.) _

_Anyways, I'll probably be doing the next bunch of chapters like this; Trips into each Policeman's (and woman's) Id themed after some archetype or another. _

_So, who's twisted, FUBARed mind would you like to delve into next? (Limited to the staff at the station.)_


	14. Just plain weird

_First, I'd like to thank C.A.M.E.O.1. AND ONLY (I didn't spell that right, but you totally got the theme for that chapter), and Alex McMullen (it's great that we each give each other new ideas, huh?) for staying with this story from the beginning._

_Anyways, let's go see how f&%ed up Isane's mind is..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

As the light faded, Rukia began sweating profusely. Not because of the light, though; that didn't seem to have any heat to it. No, she was sweating because of the bomb ticking down from twenty in front of her.

And she had to cut the wire.

_"Come on, Kuchiki,"_ Renji's anxious voice came over the radio, _"hurry up already; just pick a wire!"_

_Easy for him to say,_ she thought as she stared at the veritable _forest_ of wires, all but one would set the bomb off if cut.

The clock was down to sixteen now.

"Come on, Rukia," Kiyone said next to her, "you have to pick one now, otherwise all these people's death will be on your head."

Rukia scanned the room, noticing for the first time all the hostages that were tied up around the room.

_Yeah, no pressure. Right. _

Twelve seconds now.

"I...," Rukia stammered, "I..."

_"Just pick one already!" _Tatsuki shouted, making Rukia jump in fright.

Unfortunately, her hand gripped the cutters harder because of it, shearing through one of the many multicolored wires she _wasn't_ suppose to cut.

Fortunately, the clock stopped at one.

Unfortunately, it also began beeping rapidly.

_"Well, it was nice knowing you," _Ikkaku chimed in.

_"Leave a beautiful corpse!" _Yumichika said cheerily.

Rukia groaned and closed her eyes, hoping that it would be quick and wondering why Yumichika had to be so weird.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia didn't _feel _dead when she cracked open her eye (the right one). In fact, she felt very much alive. Realizing that the bomb must have been a dud, she let out a sigh of relief and opened her eyes the rest of the way.

Suddenly, the "dead" theory didn't seem to far off.

She was sitting in an open field that appeared to stretch on for miles. There was nothing around her save for a few large rocks dotting the landscape here and there. There were also a few trees, but the weird thing was that they looked like they were growing out of the sky. She tried to look at their bases, but no matter where she looked they always seemed to be growing just past the edge of her vision.

"I wouldn't bothah if I were you," a deep, rumbly voice that could've put Mr. T to shame said. "I've been tryin' fo years."

"Wha!" Rukia answered, her eyes darting this way and that to find the source of the voice.

"I'm down here, fool!" the voice said from below her. She looked down and saw a small pink butterfly perched delicately on a rock.

"Oh, hello!" Rukia said cordially.

"You got a Razzle in yo hair," the butterfly said.

"Huh?" Rukia said, before she heard a warbling sound coming from directly above her. She turned to look in the floor-length mirror and saw that she did indeed have a small, furry Razzle nibbling on her hair. "Aahh!" she pointed out. "How do I get this thing off me!"

"Hold still," the butterlfy said, whipping out a full sized RPG launcher. "I pity th' little fool," it said softly as it pulled the trigger. The shell exploded forward, catching the Razzle in its wide, toothy maw. A second or to later it exploded against a nearby brick wall. "You OK?" the butterfly asked once the smoke cleared.

"Geh...," Rukia assured him.

"Good, it didn't get to your brain. That would've been nasty, walkin' around with a bite taken out of your head."

"Geh...," Rukia repeated.

"Well, my work here is done." The butterfly turned to leave. Then he stopped and called back, "And watch out fo fallin' anvils!"

_Falling anvils? _Rukia wondered, before she noticed one fall on a unawares and rather cartoonish looking coyote. _Oh._

Eventually, after a long and grueling three foot walk, she arrived at the Toyota dealership. As she slumped down next to a nearby sleeping bear, she heard what sounded like the beginnings of an argument.

"I _told_ you that we had to turn _left!_at the inside-out building with the clown nose, not right! Now look were we ended up!" an angry, nasally voice yelled.

"It's not my fault!" a second, more timid voice said. "You were yelling at me, I was confused."

"That doesn't matter!" the first voice retorted hotly. "I'm the only one who's ever made it back from the Land of Rainbows alive, so if you want to get there and slay the horrible sparkly monster, then you'd damn better follow my direction to a 'T', got it?"

Rukia heard the second voice grunt an "Mmhmm" and peared over the edge of the canyon to see who it was. To her surprise, she saw Isane standing next to a street sign.

A very imposing street sign.

"Merge left", to be precise.

"Isane?" Rukia called out.

"Oh," Isane looked up, "hi Rukia! What are you doing here?"

"Honestly," she said, "I have no idea. What about you?"

"Well, I _was_ on my way to the Land of Rainbows, but this _handicapped parking sign _made me take a wrong turn-" Isane turned and glared hotly at said sign, "It was too! Nothing you said back there made any sense!"

Rukia sweatdropped, quite loudly.

"Oh-_kaaaaaay,_" Rukia drawled, before gesturing to merge left sign (who happened to be wearing a sombrero now) next to her, "and this is..."

"Oh, this is Floyd," Isane explained. "He's taking me to the Land of Rainbows so I can slay this horrible, sparkly monster that's been terrorizing the robot midget zombie pirates." She held up a can of lima beans and a lampshade. "Wanna come along?"

Rukia thought about it for a minute.

"Uh," she finally answered, "watashi wa nien spreken de la Greeko." When she saw the puzzled expression on Isane's face, she said, "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that last thing you said."

"Oh." Isane looked crestfallen before she turned to Floyd and indignantly shouted "I am not!"

Rukia would have sweatdropped again, but the rocking of the boat was too much and she toppled overboard into the cold, Pepsi ocean.

_Great,_ she thought as she grabbed onto a floating piano, _as if things could get any worse._

Even as she said that she knew it was a mistake, because suddenly, it started raining hamsters and cellphones.

As Rukia was wishing she were _anywhere else_, one of the phones began ringing. Having nothing better to do, Rukia decided to answer it.

"Hello?...Um, yes, my refrigerator _is_ running. Why?...I'd better what?" Then she heard a click and the dial tone.

_Figures it would be a prank call._

Then, as if by magic, she found the side of the pool and climbed out. As she was blown dry, she spotted the exit. It seemed like it was an amalgamation of various pieces of random junk, with the ever typical red "Exit" sign above it.

Hoping that the next place she ended up would make _at least_ half as much sense as this place did, she slammed it shut and walked into the light.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_OK, by now you should be noticing that I'm not doing movie parodies like I said I would. Instead, my Muse has directed me to to make mind cover a different aspect of dreams. The last one was "someone's inner self". This was "the unpredictability of dreams". The next one is either going to be "wish fulfillment" or "recurring nightmares". _

_Any preferences?_


	15. Brothel

_Well, today's dreaming theme is "recurring nightmares". This is mainly because, as I'm sure you can tell, it's somewhat of a darker subject, (and it will get dark, just a warning), and I want to get it out of the way so I can get back to the Crack this story is based on. _

_I'd also like to shout out to everyone who __**didn't **__give me their preferences for what they wanted to see in this chapter. Please people, that's half the reason I started this story in the first place!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia was falling.

Don't you just love it when the day starts out happy? **(A/N; note the sarcasm)**

Anyways, she was falling. Fast.

It wasn't really her fault actually; after all, she hadn't really been able to control what happened in the dream worlds she entered. (And if you need any proof of that, read the last chapter.)

See, it happened like this; when the bright light that always flares when goes through the "Exit" door faded, she was dangling off the side of a building. The only thing that was holding her up was Ichigo, who was barely holding on himself.

"Rukia!" he called. "Don't let go!"

"Do you really think I want to, baka?" she shot back.

"Ichigo! Rukia!" Renji, Tatsuki, and Isane called from above. "We'll pull you up! Come on!"

"I can't!" Ichigo yelled, the strain of holding himself and Rukia up like that was showing on his face.

"What's the problem?" they asked.

"I can't reach you because I'm holding up Rukia," he explained. "The only way I could reach you is if I let her go!"

Rukia was sweating profusely, meanwhile.

_Calm down, Rukia,_ she told herself, _it not as bad as it looks. They'll just things up another way to get us down if they can't-_

"Don't worry about it," Renji said, "I doesn't matter if she dies, she's only a Rookie."

_WHAT!_

"Yeah," Tatsuki echoed, "it's not like she really contributes anything anyways."

"Tatsuki!" Rukia shouted indignantly.

"At least now we'll have some extra grub without her," Isane commented.

"Isane," Rukia mouthed, not able to put voice to her words.

"I guess you're right," Ichigo said, doing a double take to see if Rukia was really worth saving. "Eh, it's not as if I loved her anyways," he said, and promptly let her go.

Which brings us to where we are now, with Rukia falling at high speeds, heading for a hard, (but brief), encounter with the ground.

It had hurt the most when Ichigo had said he didn't love her. Hadn't anything they'd been through together meant anything? Not the shopping trip, not the...OK, admittedly, they weren't a lot of memories between him and her, but what about about a general respect for life, huh? What about that?

She would have been angry longer, but the ground chose that particular moment to abruptly fill her vision.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia jolted awake, her eyes flying open in a panic. She took a moment to mentally examine herself.

_Still breathing, I don't feel any intense pain, I'm not seeing any light at the end if the tunnel..._

The smart money was on her being alive.

Seeing as how she wasn't dead, Rukia decided to take a look at her surroundings.

She was in a dimly lit room, sitting on a bed. Other than the bed, only other furniture in the room was a wooden chair off to the side.

Since the room was rather boring, she went back to making sure she was alright. (Hey, the way things were going for her, she could have wound up with a third arm or something.)

When nothing felt out of place, Rukia got up and began to search for the light switch. She ran her hand along the wall and eventually found the light switch (and with it the door as well). She flipped the switch and then yelped in surprise.

She was practically naked!

Sure, she wasn't totally stark nude like the last time something like this had happened to her, but she was still showing much more skin than she felt comfortable with.

The fact that she was in some trashy lingerie didn't help much either.

However, before her mind could come up with an explanation as to _why_ she was in such a...revealing attire, the door swung open and a rather surly looking man came in.

"Hey Sugar," he said ravenously, "Daddy's day's been _hard,_ and he needs to _relieve some stress_." He leered lustfully at her.

"I've got a better idea," Rukia said as she delivered a swift kick to his abdomen, "how about not!" She quickly followed the kick up by throwing the man into the wall and karate chopping the back of his neck, effectively rendering him unconscious.

As he lay still she quickly removed his jacket to use herself. A quick search of the garment revealed a gun in an inside pocket.

_Bonus, _Rukia thought. After checking outside the door to make sure no one was there, she headed down the hallway in search of an escape.

Eventually she came to a door that looked promising. She gently eased it open, taking care to minimize the noise, and peeked inside.

It was a room just like the one she was in, only this one was different. This held Matsumoto Rangiku, as well the man trying to force himself on her.

Acting purely on instinct, Rukia brought the pistol up and pulled the trigger, planting a bullet in the man's brains.

He fell over dead a few seconds later.

"Rangiku!" Rukia said, rushing to her friend's side. "Hey, Rangiku, you OK?"

Matsumoto, trying to hold back tears.

"I'm fine," she said eventually. Then, unable to hold her tears back any longer, she grabbed Rukia and held her as tight as she could. "Thank you," she whispered, "thank you so much. How can I ever repay you?"

"MmmmMmm Mmmmphhhh!" Rukia mumbled, her face stuck in Matsumoto's large chest.

"Eeep!" Matsumoto shrieked as she relaxed her hold, suddenly realizing she was suffocating her savior.

"How about letting me breath," Rukia repeated, finally able speak clearly.

"Sorry," Matsumoto said sheepishly, "I guess I was just happy."

"That's alright, at least you realized what you were doing before I passed out." She handed the gun to Matsumoto, "You probably need this more than I do if you want to escape."

After another bout of hugging from an enthusiastic Matsumoto, she and Rukia split up to each search for an exit.

Not five minutes later, Rukia came across a doorway with beads hanging from it. The ever typical "Exit" sigh fixed at the top.

She stepped through without hesitation.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Phew, glad that's out of the way; now we can get back to the more crackish adventures. _

_I admit that I haven't wrote a darkfic in a while, so it may not be as dark as you're used to. _

_Anyways, keep the reviews flowing! Next time we'll be having a special guest star make an appearance..._


	16. Safety, Security, and Starvation

_So, anyone have any ideas of who the special guest is? I'll give you a couple of hints. The first is "he is both here and not here". The second is "you've met him many times before". Give up? Well, guess there's nothing left but to read on..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

When Rukia's eye adjusted again, she saw that the room she was in was completely white; there wasn't another color as far as the eye could see.

_Well, this is kinda different,_ she thought as she scanned the space for anything that wasn't whiteness.

She found it a few moments later if the form of a giant safe. It was about as tall as a single story house, and had a small door about Rukia's size with more locks holding it shut then a Swiss bank.

Cautiously, she knocked on the door.

"Go away," a small, timid voice from the other side said, slightly muffled, "no more beatings today."

"Hanatarou?" Rukia asked. She'd never met the man personally, but a hunch (and everyone's description of the man), told her that's who he was.

"Are you going to hurt me in any way?" he asked in return.

"Uh, no?"

"Then yes, I am."

"Um, how did you get inside this safe?" Rukia asked apprehensively.

"I put myself in here," he explained. "It's really nice and safe in here, no pun intended.

"You see, no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to go five seconds without enduring some type of pain. Ergo, I put an impregnable barrier between me and everything that could possibly hurt me, emotionally or physically. Yep, just me and my Blankie in here, nothing else."

"_Absolutely _nothing else?" Rukia clarified.

"_Absolutely,_" Hanatarou repeated resolutely.

"So then what will you eat?"

"Oh that's simple, I-" he stopped abruptly, suddenly realizing the _tiny_ detail he overlooked, _"GAAAAAH!" _

Then everything got really quiet.

"Uh, Hanatarou?" Rukia knocked and called his name again, but didn't get a response. She was about to give up when she spied a button that said "Video Chat". She pressed it and a panel slid open, revealing a screen that showed a black and white image of the insides of the safe.

Hanatarou was curled up in the fetal position, sobbing and sucking his thumb.

Seeing that the former KPD officer wasn't much for conversation anymore Rukia numbly walked away, leaving the disturbed young man man to awake at his own devices.

A minute or two later she came across the way out; a large, heavily armored door with locks aplenty, and the ever typical "Exit" sigh hanging above it. She pushed it open with her shoulder and stepped through, wondering as she did if the next world she entered would make any sense at all.

She highly doubted it.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_So how many of you guessed Hanatarou? Oh, that many..._

_Anyways, I'll hopefully be updating more frequently again, so keep your eyes peeled for the next chapter. That one's theme is "wish fulfillment"._


	17. Fashion Pigs

_It's that time of the month again, folks!... NO not that! I mean it's time for the next chapter of Cold Fuzz. The theme this time is "wish fulfillment". And we'll be entering Yumichika's mind next._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Pig snouts.

Everybody she saw had pig snouts.

Only Rukia's face was without one.

_OK, seriously,_ she thought, _what was in those brownies?_

"Hey Rukia! *snort*," Kiyone said, coming up behind Rukia. "Got any *snort* truffles on you?" Rukia patted herself down and came up empty handed.

"Sorry," she shrugged.

And with that Kiyone's snout upturned and she walked away in a huff.

Wherever she went it was the same; she would be asked for truffles, and when she couldn't produce any she was treated like a pariah. Some just turned away as if on principal.

Even her own squad was like this.

"Oh," Renji said apprehensively as she entered the office, "...hi, Rukia. I thought you were on leave?"

"No, I don't have any leave coming for a while. Why?"

"Oh, no reason," Renji replied, unconvincingly, turning back to whatever was on his desk.

"Okaaaaay then," Rukia drawled as she made she way to what she remembered to be her desk.

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa!" a new voice interjected. Ichigo stormed up to her and yanked her back to her feet just as she was about to sit down, "What the hell do you think you're doing, Kuchiki?"

"Sitting down?" she answered apprehensively.

"Not at my desk you're not!"

Rukia took a second look at the desk in question and saw that it did indeed bear Ichigo's name. In fact, everything on it was decidedly Ichigo. The only thing out of place was...

"You like Chappy?" Rukia asked quizzically, picking up a small key-chain of the popular cartoon rabbit.

"IT WAS A GIFT FROM MY SISTERS!" he snorted indignantly, grabbing the key-chain back from his small-nosed cohort. After about fifteen seconds of making sure it wasn't damaged, he turned back to Rukia. "Why are you still here? Those restrooms aren't going to clean themselves."

"And clean them good!" Tatsuki called from somewhere else in the office. "Those brown tiles are suppose to be white!"

Rukia shuddered, and reluctantly headed off to burn anything unnatural in the restrooms. Just before she opened the door to the Men's room, she grabbed a gas mask. Then she braced herself and opened the door.

Hey, if you know anything about pigs, you'd do the same.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The lights blinded her, flashing incessantly.

Rukia honestly hadn't been expecting this; one minute she was walking into a latrine that pig people used...

The next, she was strutting down the runway, cameras going off left and right.

Rukia stumbled, but quickly recovered. After all, she'd already had one embarrassing (and potentially traumatizing) incident tonight, that was a more than adequate quota for one tripped out adventure, right?

As she continued down the runway, she smiled to herself. Rukia had always wanted to be a model...well, at least until she was about 7, then she wanted to be a cop.

But the model dream had always stayed with her, and who knew when the next opportunity like this would come by? Why not have a little fun with this one?

She reached the end of runway and did a few simple poses, pouting for the cameras. Then she turned around and walked back the way she came, grabbing and sitting in a chair once she was behind the curtain,

_That was kinda fun, _Rukia thought to herself, _maybe this dream world won't be so bad after all-_

"What ze 'ell was zat!"

Rukia jumped, startled out of her personal thoughts by this new voice.

" 'ey, I aksed you a question," the voice, who Rukia now saw was Yumichika (eye feathers and all), demanded, "What ze 'ell did you sink you were doing out zere?"

"Um," Rukia said, trying not to laugh at his ridiculous attempt at a French accent. "Modeling?" she ventured hopefully.

"ZAT WAS NOT MODELING!" French Yumichika shouted. "What you deed was so basic, a baby could haf done it. And ze 'pouting; what? Did you just eet a lemon? And worst of all, you're in ze wrong dress!" He waved wildly at the dress Rukia was wearing, a waistless number with intricate designs all over it.

"Zat is ze one you're suppose to be wearing." He pointed to a dress still hanging on the racks. It was brown, it looked like it was trying to do something with layering colors.

"Oh."

Rukia studied the dress in question. It was actually pretty cute.

"All ze months planning zis event and designing zese dresses," Yumichika said, facepalming, "and some know-it-all rookie comes and ruins ze whole thing!"

_Is this what Yumichika dreams of being? _Rukia wonders. _A fashion mogul?_

"As you punishment," he said, having recovered form his meltdown, "go clean ze sinks in ze bathroom. All my girls vere in zere earlier and now zere are some green porcelain sinks zat should be white."

_Not again, _Rukia thought, trudging off towards said bathroom.

When she got there, she opened the door and reluctantly walked through, not noticing the "Exit" sign hanging above.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, that's one half of the Force, only four more twisted, messed up minds to go! _

_Next time it's Ikkaku's mind. Hmm, wonder what it's like?..._


	18. The Mighty IKKAKU!

_...And if you'll look to your right, you'll see the mind of BLEACH character Madarame Ikkaku. _

_Wanna know what it's like? Well, read on good reader, read on..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia had been on this bus for hours, and it hadn't stopped once.

Not once.

In seven _hours_.

Seriously, she needed to go to bathroom!

Fearing that she could not hold it any longer, she got up (nearly losing it right then and there) and headed for the front of the bus.

"Excuse me," she asked the bus driver, "but when's the next stop?"

#I'm sorry,# the driver said in a mechanical voice, #but this bus doesn't have a next stop. It's the Never Ending Bus!#

For a moment Rukia just stood there, her brain trying process what it heard. When it finally clicked, she ran straight towards the back of the bus, screaming "_AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!_" and crashing through the back door...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

...Only to fall flat on her face, the papers she was carrying flying everywhere.

"Are-you-OK-Rukia?" Isane fussed, rushing up (wearing a doctor's overcoat) to her and doing every on-the-spot First Aid test she could think of. "You-didn't-hurt-yourself-just-now-when-you-tripped-did-you-how-many-fingers-am-I-holding-up-are-you-menstruating-how-about-hot-flashes-have-been-feeling-dizzy-lately-did-you-hit-your-head-as-a-child-oh-and-what-about-"

"I'M FINE!" Rukia exploded.

"Anger does not become you, young one," Ichigo said, sitting in the corner in a meditative pose.

"The thing to do," Tatsuki panted as she worked a punching bag, "is to *pant, pant* just take it out on someone. So..." she tossed a pair of boxing gloves at Rukia, "wanna spar?"

Rukia just stared, her brain finally starting to think that this entire night might just be, oh, I don't know..._weird? _

"Pfft, oh pish tosh," Yumichika said in a voice a few octaves higher than normal. (And trust me, it was even scarier then the French accent last chapter.) "The only thing to get rid of anger is..." he paused for dramatic effect. "Makeovers!" He held up a artist's palette with twenty different shades of blush on it.

"Oooooh!" Matsumoto slurred, sprawled out piss blind drunk on her desk. "Kin I hassssshhh won too? *hic!*"

"I'm Happy!" Kiyone chirped, skipping into the room.

"Well I'm not," Renji retorted, "you're all so incompetent! Why can't you all be more like-"

Suddenly, the doors burst open and "Bad Boys" started playing. Then, slow walking out of a golden light in the background, came Ikkaku, dragging a leather studded, biker type behind him.

"-like Him!" Renji finished, now beaming proudly.

_Well, three guesses who's dream this is, _Rukia thought wryly as Ikkaku continued to slow walk past her, throwing the biker into a waiting cell along the way.

"Caught this one speeding," he said as settled down at his desk, putting his feet up, "had to chase him over half the county before the sucker ran out of gas."

"Yay!" Kiyone cheered, hopping up and down excitedly.

"Ikkaku," Renji said, standing up, "I don't know how we'd manage to get anything done around here, you truly are an inspiration. Much more than these other lazy bums," he scoffed. Then he pulled out a bag with a large green Yen symbol on it, "The higher-ups said to pass this along."

"Another bag of money?" Ikkaku sighed. "Oh well, I'll just put it with the others later," and grabbed it anyway. "It reminds me of the time I took Hanatarou bungee jumping..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou; "Are you sure this is a good idea, Madarame-san?" _

_Ikkaku; "Of course it is! Now go on and jump, we're burning daylight here!" *slaps Hanatarou hard on the back, sending him oer the edge*_

_Hanatarou; "AAAAAAahhhhhh!"_

_Ikkaku; Hmm, maybe I should have made sure he was hooked up before I pushed him over..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Hey, who wants to go for a drink? I'm buying." Ikkaku waved some bills around to make his point.

Almost immediately, the other four women in room glued themselves to his sides. Satisfied with the turnout, he began walking out of the building, two co-workers on each arm.

"Just make sure it's a place where I can get into a good fight," Tatsuki reminded him.

"And it has to be sanitary," Isane added.

"And *hic* boooooze!" Matsumoto slurred.

"I'm fine with everything!" Kiyone said, a happy smile still plastered on her face.

"Hey Rukia," Ikkaku called back, "wanna join?"

Rukia was about to decline, but then her adventures caught up with nher and she had a thought.

She _really_ needed a drink right about now.

She rushed through the door after Ikkaku and his entourage, the "Exit" sign blink incessantly.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, this was an interesting chapter; it combined elements of both "perception of others" and "delusions of grandeur". _

_Next up is Kiyone, and a jaunt through another funny cop movie. (No, it isn't the actual "Hot Fuzz", it's something else.)_


	19. The Hot Sushi! Chapter

_Still haven't guess what movie I'm parodying yet? I'll give you a hint; it's got martial arts in it. _

_Oh wait, there's a lot of cop movies like that. OK, here another hint; it's a trilogy. _

_Dammit! There's a million of those too! Oh well, just read the story..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Why the _hell _you didn't tell me you had a bomb in your mouth!" Kiyone shouted at Rukia as they walked away from the blast area.

"I did!" Rukia protested, coughing up some soot.

"No you didn't!"

"Yes, I did!"

"_No,_ I _didn't!_"

"I said 'Mmm!'!"

"What the hell is "Mmm!'?"

"Mmm," Rukia grunted, making an explosion with her hands, "boom!"

"And how was I suppose to know that?" Kiyone retorted.

"I don't know!' Rukia said, trowing her hands up in exasperation. A minute later she sighed, "At least we saved the Prime Minister, though."

"Yeah," Kiyone agreed, "we did, didn't we?" She sighed, "Remember when you shoved that one guy out the window and he fell onto the one I was fighting outside?"

"Yeah," Rukia chucked, "that was good, wasn't it?"

They both sighed again, and then walked a few more blocks away from the scene they had just caused.

"Hey," Kiyone said eventually, "wanna go get some Chinese?"

"Isn't that racist?" Rukia asked.

"Chinese _food_," Kiyone clarified, "there's a place just down the street from here."

"Sure, why not?"

So the pair headed to the Jade Dragon to fill their bellies. When they got there, they looked at the menu board resting outside before heading inside to eat.

However, neither of them noticed the "Exit" sign (that was for some reason) hanging on the _outside_ of the door.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Good evening, Kuchiki-dono," the Matre D said to Rukia in a cultured sounding voice, "let me show you to your table."

Rukia was now standing in a fancy restaurant in a elegant evening gown. She was being lead to a table in the middle of the others that was done up beautifully; candles, flowers, a bottle of champagne, everything was very romantic.

"Here's your table; your entrés will be here soon."

"Entrés?" Rukia asked. "But I'm the only one here," she gestured to rest of the room, which was just about devoid of any other life.

"Oh, there's a young man who was here before you," the Matre D explained. "He actually made the reservations for you two. Here he comes now in fact."

Rukia turned around to see, dressed in a dapper tuxedo-

"Ichigo?"

"Rukia, you made it!" he said as breathed a sigh of relief. "I was worried you wouldn't show just like all the other times."

"'Other times'?" Rukia wondered as they both sat down.

"Yeah," Ichigo explained, "every other time I asked you to dinner you ended up never showing." He sighed again, "It's really great that this time turned out different."

_Is this what he thinks about all the time? _Rukia thought to herself. _Us on a date?_

"Your Sushi, Sir and Madam," the Matre D said as he placed a platter on the table between them and lifted the lid. Sure enough, the was a veritable collage of different types of sushi.

"You ordered sushi at a Five Star restaurant?" Rukia asked, slightly dumbfounded.

"Yeah. I mean, you can't go wrong with the classics." Then Ichigo looked nervous, "Why? Is it bad? Should I have ordered something else?"

"No, no," Rukia quickly amended, "it's fine. I just thought it would be something else, is all." Rukia hoped it only _felt_ like she was blushing profusely.

After a short bout of awkward silence Rukia took some sushi she thought looked interesting and took a bite out of one.

"This is actually pretty good," she said after she chewed enough to speak clearly, "try some."

Ichigo picked a piece of sushi and popped it in his mouth.

"You're right," he said, "it _is_ pretty good." He took another piece before he had a chance to swallow the last one.

When they finally finished the plate, the Matre D appeared yet again.

"Would Sir and Madam care to try the Deluxe Sushi?"

Figuring what the hell, they both agreed and a plate was brought out.

"What makes it 'deluxe'?" Rukia asked.

"Don't know," Ichigo shrugged as he popped one of the rolls into his mouth.

Not two seconds later he spat it back out, furiously fanning his mouth.

"Hot hot hot!" he shouted, though it really sounded more like "Hah hah hah!" due to the fact that he couldn't really close his mouth without making the sensation worse.

"Hold on, Ichigo!" Rukia cried as jumped off her chair. She looked around frantically for a second before she saw a fire extinguisher on a nearby pillar. She hurried back to the table (fire extinguisher in hand) and began to spray Ichigo down. When she was finished Ichigo looked like he's fallen asleep in a Cool Whip storm.

But hey, at least his mouth wasn't on fire anymore!

"Ichigo...?" Rukia asked apprehensively. "Are you, um...OK?"

For a moment Ichigo just sat motionless.

"Hmm," he said, wiping the foam off his face, "needs a little miso."

Seeing that he was fine, Rukia sat back down and played with a piece of the dangerous sushi.

"Well," she said, "that could have gone better."

"Yeah," Ichigo agreed sheepishly, "it could have."

"Excuse me, Sir," the Matre D said, magically appearing yet again, "I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave."

"What?" How come?"

"Well, the antics of you and your date have apparently disturbed the other guests. That and you've now slipped beneath the dress code." He gestured to Ichigo's foam saturated suit.

"Fine," Ichigo sighed. "Come on Rukia, let's go. There's this new Ramen stand down the rod from my house. They say that real Ninja eat there."

"Why not?"

So the young couple gathered their things and headed out towards the ramen stand Ichigo mentioned, the "Exit" sigh burning brightly above the door as they left.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Another bit a IchiRuki! (yes, I admit it's my favorite BLEACH pairing.) _

_So yeah, who here figured out the scene at the top was from "Rush Hour (2)"? _

_IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT! READ THIS! (*turns down volume on mic*) So anyways, the next chapter marks the end of this trippy dream saga. Things will be happening in the "real world" from now on. (Though how long they'll stay that way...) _

_Also, just a few more chapters until a special surprise! (So stay tuned!)_


	20. FINALLY! It's over!

_OK, here's the last chapter of Rukia's crazy trip through the psyches of the KPD. _

_After this, well...we'll see..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia landed in a bedroom.

That's right; just a normal, average, everyday bedroom.

At first Rukia thought it was hers, but a cursory glance around the room quickly dispelled that.

For one, the bed, dresser, posters, and knick-knacks scattered around the room clearly indicated they were for a guy. The pair of boxers hanging out of top drawer of the dresser only augmented the hypothesis.

For another, Renji was sprawled haphazardly on the bed, snoring like a log.

_This is what he dreams about? _Rukia thought. _Himself sleeping?_

She was about to leave when something caught her eye. It was half stuffed under Renji, but enough of it was visible to see that it was-

_Oh my god! _Rukia gasped, _He has one? Oh, I am _sooooo _using that for blackmail when I wake up! _

_Which brings up a good point; how the hell _do _I wake up?_

While pondering the new obstacle she encountered, she began to feel a dull pain in her side.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Suddenly, Rukia's eyes shot open and she found herself back in the KPD office with the rest of the force.

And by "with", we mean "under".

Yes, everyone was tangled up in a huge dog pile, with Rukia on the bottom as luck would have it. And now that she noticed it, someone's knee seemed to be poking her right in the abdomen.

"Ugh," a groan came from somewhere else in the pile, "boy, what a trip."

"You got that right," someone else said. "Best one I've had since college."

"Best one I've had since last week," Ikkaku said

Big surprise.

"Me too," Matsumoto concurred.

Even less of a surprise.

"If someone doesn't get there hand off my ass in the next second," Tatsuki growled, "I'm gonna render _someone_ incapable of having children! _And I don't care who._"

This snapped everyone back to reality, and the dog pile was fully broken up in about 8.5683 seconds.

"I just had the _weirdest _dream," Rukia said, trying to shake her head clear. "Everyone was in it." She pointed at Tatsuki first, "You were in it," and then to the others in turn, "and you were in it, and you, and you, and-"

*At this point the Author was set upon by a mob of angry, hardcore _Wizard of Oz_ fans, and forced to stop stealing lines from their precious movie.*

"What time is it?" Isane asked once Rukia was done explaining her convoluted dream. She let out a mighty yawn to emphasize the importance of her question.

"_Four o'clock!" _Ikkaku shouted as he checked his watch. "I'm turning in." He headed for the bathroom, and soon his was disappeared inside the station's Sanctum Sanctorum.

"Did he just...?" Yumichika stuttered.

"Yep," Kiyone confirmed.

"_Disgusting._"

"Yep."

"I'm going to call a cab, unglamorous as it is," Yumichika announced, heading for the front door.

"Same here," Ichigo said. "By now my father and sisters are probably higher than we were."

"Man, your dad sounds cool," Renji said, "why haven't we met him before?"

"Because I like you guys to much to make you suffer like that," Ichigo stated simply.

Yumichika's cricket chirped. (It could be loosely translated to something like "Yo, Mofos, forget about me?")

(When asked about his bad language, he blamed Quincy's bad influence.)

"Well, I think I'll grab a cab as well," Rukia said, "better not to take chances after what just happened."

"I'm gonna hit the bar," Matsumoto stated firmly, "why waste Happy Hour?"

"Um, Rangiku? Isn't Happy Hour at four in the _afternoon_?" Isane asked.

"So? Beer is beer no matter what time of day it is," the strawberry blond retorted.

...what? It's true.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And that, my friends, is that. Phew! No more dream chapters. Now I can finally get to some of the other ideas I've had for this story but could do because of the dream themed chapters. _

_Anyways, the next chapter will have a couple guests, but only one of them is from Bleach. The other is from a Sci-Fi movie, can you guess who?_

_(And if anyone can guess what it was Rukia found that Renji had, I tip my hat off to you. The answer should be in the next chapter.)_


	21. Dave eats cake

_The next chapter is here! Rejoice! Eat, drink, and be merry! Friends, Romans, counrty-_

_*Slap!*_

_Anywho, this chapter contains one BLEACH cameo, and one cameo form a well known Sci-Fi movie. Trust me, you'll know them when you see them._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Time passed, and soon the Karakura Police Department forgot about that fateful Halloween night (which is to say, they did their best to try and forget what had happened that night. Seriously, Jimi Hendrix would have been jealous of the trip everyone was on).

At the moment, everyone was sitting around, doing whatever they normally did before.

In other words, _absolutely nothing._

OK, maybe not _entirely _nothing, as they had decided to tidy up the station that weekend. After all, nine small town cops with too much time on their hands and a tendency to, shall we say, "overindulge" can lead to some pretty wild scenarios. (Such as their infamous Halloween party.)

Anyways, Rukia, Renji, Matsumoto, Ikkaku, and Isane (everyone else was "home sick" that day) swept, polished, dusted, and vacuumed as much of the station as they could with five people.

"Hey Rukia!" Renji called from Yumichika's cubicle.

"What is it?" Rukia asked. She was currently scrubbing dishes in the kitchen.

"Check out what I found in Yumichika's desk," he said, waving Rukia over. When she arrived, he held up his newly found prize heroically.

"It's...manga?"

"Not just any manga," Renji pointed out, "it's a manga I lent to him over a year ago that he said he 'lost on a trip'. Stingy bastard's been hoarding it all this time!"

"Please," Rangiku scoffed, "I've been stealing booze from Madarame-kun for years and he's never noticed."

"SO IT WAS _YOU!_," Ikkaku shouted, steam shooting out of his ears.

"Guys," Isane pleaded, "you're just going to make a bigger mess if you fight now!"

"So?" Ikkaku retorted. "Everyone will just mess it all up tomorrow anyway."

"I'm getting something to drink," Matsumoto stated, heading into the kitchen, "maybe then you'll all seem quieter."

"Speaking of quiet, where's Tatsuki?" Rukia asked. "I thought she said she'd come help us today?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_*Tatsuki is lying prone on a massage chair, having her tension relieved*_

_Tatsuki; *sighs* "Ah, this is the life..."_

_*Tatsuki's cellphone rings*_

_Tatsuki; *answers phone* "Hello? Oh, Isane, what's up?...What am I doing? Well, my mother got sick so I'm taking care of her today. No, of course I didn't forget that we were going to clean the office today. I would have called sooner, but I've just been doing one thing after another since I got here and haven't had a free moment to-Ahh...*moans contentedly* ...What? Oh, yeah, I just mixed her medicine wrong...Oh no, you don't have to go out of your way; I've been doing this since Primary school, I can handle it on my own. You just keep cleaning, I'll try to make it if I can. OK. Bye." *hangs up phone*_

_Masseuse; "Ma'am, would you like to try our hotsprings? They're very famous and are said to be good for the soul." _

_Tatsuki; "Mmm, you had me at 'Ma'am'..."_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I called her earlier," Isane explained, "she said she was taking care of her mother."

"As long as she's not relaxing at some health spa or goofing off somewhere else..." Renji murmured.

"Oi! Renji! You wanna keep any of this crap?" Ikkaku called from Renji's desk, gesturing to said crap on it.

"What do you think, _baka!_"

"Really? even this Cha-"

Ikkaku never had a chance to finish his sentence, because instantly, (so fast that it was almost as if he used the legendary "flash step" technique rumored to have been used by the Ninja of old), he rammed into the bullet-headed cop and tackled him to the floor.

_"Everything on or in my desk stays." _Renji said through gritted teeth, looking like _"Comprend__é__?"_

"Y-yeah, sure, _totally _comprendé," Ikkaku stammered, surprised at the ferocity of his pineapple headed comrade.

"Hey, no PDA," Matsumoto slurred, coming back into the room. Without giving them a second thought, she set herself down in front of a computer and started typing away.

"Rangiku, what are you doing?" asked Rukia.

"Cleaning, what's it look like?"

"It looks like you're messing around on the computer, not cleaning."

"Pfft! Shows how much you know; I'm cleaning off the hard drive. People do that, right?"

Ironically, this was the most logical things they'd ever heard her say. And she was drunk.

Go figure.

"Don't you have to turn it on first?" asked Isane, staring puzzlingly at the black screen.

"I know _that,_ what do you think I'm doing?"

By this time Renji and Ikkaku had finished their spat and had wandered over to the group by the computer. Renji leaned down and pressed the "on" button on the tower under the desk.

The screen popped to life a moment later.

_Good morning, Dave,_ a placid voice said form out of nowhere.

"Who said that?" Renji said, looking this way and that to try and find the ource of the voice.

"Wasn't me," Matsumoto said, swaying a bit.

"I didn't say anything," Isane shrugged.

"Not it," Ikkaku shouted, touching his finger to his nose.

_None of your comrades spoke, Abarai-fukutaichou,_ the voice said again. _It was this unit right here._

"The computer?" Rukia wondered out loud, staring at the monitor before them. It now sported a red, lens like image in the middle of the screen.

"Why do you sound like Brent Forester?" Renji asked.

_It was how I was programed. I do not have an explanation. _

"So, _Brent,_what are you doing in the computer?" Matsumoto asked. (Yep, she's still tipsy.)

By the way, if you're facepalming, headsmaking, or sweatdropping, don't be ashamed. Everyone else in the world is as well.

_I am not in the computer, I am the computer,_ the computer answered. _And my name in not Brent, it is Hal-9000._

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

And then everyone screamed their f*%&ing heads off.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

When everyone finally ran out of air for creaming so much, they all collectively lunged for the nearest phone to call a computer repair man. He arrived fifteen minutes later, glasses and all. His name tag read "Ishida Uryu".

"So, where's the computer...in...question?..." he trailed off, once he noticed that everyone in the room was huddling together in a corner. He sighed knowingly, "That bad, huh?"

Everyone nodded.

"Fine, which one is it?"

They all pointed to the computer in question.

"And what exactly is wrong with it?" he asked. "None of you sounded very clear on the phone."

"It started talking!"

"It knows our names!"

"It's voice is really creepy!"

"It tried to sell me insurance!"

"He *hic* kissed me!" Matsumoto slurred, who thought the best way to deal with the situation was to get completely soused.

Yeah, what else is new.

"Well," Uryu said finally, "I think I know what your problem is. Just give me a few minutes..." Uryu walked over to the problem computer and set himself down in front of it, getting right to work.

_Good morning, Dave,_ Hal said.

"Hello Hal," Uryu said, sounding rather bored. "It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

_Two months, three weeks, three days, five hours, and fifty two minutes,_ Hal counted.

"Yeah, I thought I rendered you inert."

_You only deactivated 93.8347% of me the last time we encountered each other._

"I think I was having a bad day then"

_Even though there was less then seven percent of me left, it was still enough for me to regenerate._

"I gathered that," Uryu said dryly.

"Um, Ishida-san?" Isane asked. "How long is this going to take?" Uryu thought about it for a minute.

"Hard to say," he said, eventually, "viruses are tricky things. The more complex they are, the harder they are to eradicate."

"Sho, how long zit gonna take?" Matsumoto slurred. Hey, she was alcoholic, not patient.

"I'd suggest you take up a game of Mah-jhong, or Shogi, or Checkers or something, I'll most likely be a while." Apparently, Uryu wasn't that patient either.

So the bumbling cops tried to find something else to do while they waited for the nerd to eradicate the virus. Matsumoto went to find more booze (again, what else is new?), Isane decided to read an article in a medical journal she had (ironically about viruses), Renji and Ikkaku had taken to waking each other with novelty hammer that made funny sounds when they hit something, and Rukia was playing with Quincy, batting around a little ball she got him. Eventually, Uryu called everyone together.

"Well," he said, "I've managed to purge the Hal virus from the computers and upgraded the others so it won't happen to them." He paused for a few seconds, "However, there are a few extra precautions I'd like you to take with this one."

"What precautions?" Rukia asked.

"First," Uryu held up a finger, "Unplug the original computer that got infected and make sure it completely powers down. Then find the nearest 43 foot hole and and toss the computer into it immediately."

"How the hell is _that _going to help?" Ikkaku exploded.

"Do you mind?" Uryu said, starting to loose his patience again. "Anyways, once that's done, fill up the hole with as many rocks and boulders as you can. Then, burn anything you might have worn any time you were online, just for good measure."

...

...

...

Silence.

...

...

...

More silence.

...

...

...

Ever more silence, louder this time.

"Are you serious?" Renji deadpanned incredulously.

"Does this look like a face that makes jokes?" Uryu pointed to his face, which showed about as much humor as a snowball has as much chance of staying frozen in hell. "If you don't believe me," he handed Renji a CD, "listen to track six. It'll explain everything."

And with that, he picked up his things and left.

After listening to the recommended track, Renji decided that yes; they _should _take the geek's advice and take the preventative measures.

Tomorrow.

Needless to say everyone forgot about the computer problems the next day, and the other cops never found out what happened.

Until...

_WouLd yOu likE to TrY mY oBstIcle cOUrse? ThEre wiLl be cAkE at tHe enD._

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

And then everyone screamed their f*%&ing heads off.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Don't do it guys! The cake is a lie!_

_Well, Hal-9000 __**and **__GLaDOS, I certainly didn't see that coming. (I smell Cybershipping!) _

_Finally, the next chapter is that special surpirse I told you all about a while ago. Trust me, I think you'll enjoy it. _

_Oh, and I (half)lied last chapter. I plan on teasing out Renji's Shameful Secret throughout the story. _


	22. Guest writer

_The Layman here, bringing you the friendly reminder that I did not write this chapter! Instead, a good friend of mine, by the name of Alex McMullen, wrote the great majority of what is to come. I just tweaked a thing or two to keep the same style of flare as in the rest of the story. _

_Anyways, enough ramblings; take it away, Alex!_

Hi there! I'm Alex McMullen and I've been given the chance to write a chapter for this story (Yay!) Hopefully you enjoy this as much as the rest of the story. 

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Boooriiiing!" Matsumoto whined. She twirled her gun on her index finger, staring at it with child-like curiosity. "We haven't done anything for days now! I want to- whoops!"

The gun accidentally went off and the bullet flew into the (unexplainable) micro-climate in the south-south-east corner of the room.

Renji snatched the gun from her and cursed. "Don't feed the damn thing; it might grow and develop language skills!"

"Sorry..." Matsumoto grumbled, taking out a bottle of saké seemingly from thin air. While she drank to her heart's content the rest of the force considered what she had said.

"It _has _been pretty boring lately..." Ichigo muttered, leaning back on his chair with his feet on the desk. Quincy the mouse scurried about his feet, minding his own business.

"Maybe we could pay someone to break the law, then catch him?" Ikkaku, the thick headed baldy of the group, suggested whilst playing cards by himself.

Yumichika slapped his smooth, hairless scalp, creating an incredible sound like a snare drum. Yumichika paused, instantly forgetting what he had to say. Too immersed in Ikkaku, the human drum. He slapped him again and again, creating a rhythm until Ikkaku stormed out of the room hurling obscenities at them.

Everyone fell silent for a while until Tatsuki broke it. "You were getting a good sound out of him..."

The bored gang all nodded in unison (Which is an amazing feat because they weren't scripted).

"We need something to do..." Renji said between yawns.

Just then the door burst open and Rukia tripped in the doorway, face-planting on the floor. She crawled back to her feet and panted like a dog, "You guys...hurry...job...to do..."

After a long silence Renji put them out of their misery, "Say that again?"

Rukia closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "There is a report of a drug dealer in the neighborhood."

"Really?" Renji gasped. "Why weren't we told?"

"Well, I only just got a call from an anonymous tipster-"

"How much?" Renji interrupted.

"What?" Rukia stared at her Palm Tree-like comrade perplexed.

"How much for...I don't know...a good amount?"

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

Rukia sweat dropped. "You want to buy drugs from this dealer?" she asked, incredulously.

"Well, being stoned would be infinitely better than being bored." Renji said defensively.

"We're supposed to be cops! We have to bust in and seize everything! Shut down the organization! Keep the streets clean, that sort of stuff!"

Ichigo got on his feet and clapped his hands. "She's right. A tad cliché, but she's right! We've got a drug bust to do!"

Tatsuki cocked her head quizzically. "Does that mean we can play with the guns?"

"Hell yeah!" Kiyone took out a pistol and commenced making gun sounds like a red-blooded toddler with a cap gun.

Everyone turned to Yumichika who turned his nose up at them and pouted. "The drug trade is an ugly business. I don't wish to taint my beauty with such tawdry and foul smelling nonsense."

"So that's a 'no'?" Renji asked. Then he turned to the busty, Strawberry blond officer, "What about you Matsumoto? You wanted something to do didn't you?"

Matsumoto's cheeks flustered and she giggled for no apparent reason. "Only if I'm driving!" Every face in the room paled and uneasy glances were rife within the trembling crowd.

'No' they mouthed silently to each other.

"So that just leaves Baldy then!" Tatsuki exclaimed.

The irate comeback could be heard even though it was muffled slightly by the walls. "I'M NOT BALD!"

"And he's got pretty good hearing, too," Kiyone mused.

"Whatever...," Renji sighed, leading the way. "So anyways, Rukia, what's the situation?"

Rukia placed a finger on her chin and stared at the roof as if the answers were written there. (There was in fact something written there, but it wasn't relevant...That, and it was also too rude to reprint here...)

"Several people run it, all of them armed and dangerous. We should arm ourselves, just to be on the safe side."

Rukia sweat dropped again as everyone around her began to cheer like drunken super fans at a football match.

Tatsuki clapped delightedly and screamed, "It's time for a Rambo montage!"

Several hours of over-the-top preparations (do to the afore mentioned montage), the gang, all (almost literally) armed to the teeth, filed into a filthy police van.

Rukia yelped as she very nearly sat in a decaying slice of pizza on one of the seats.

"What is wrong with you people?" she cried.

"Oh, we haven't used the van for months...Honestly, I don't even remember the last time we had pizza..." Renji scratched his head, marveled.

"Wasn't it at Hanatorou's birthday?" Ichigo asked. Everyone started laughing, except for Rukia, having no clue what was going on. Ichigo noticed her confusion and rolled his eyes. "Well..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Karakura Police Department; "Happy birthday! Surprise!"_

_Hanatorou; *blinks vacantly at them* "Thank you..."_

_Everyone; *frowns*_

_Renji; "You don't sound very excited?"_

_Hanatorou; *hangs head sadly* "My birthday was yesterday..." _

_Kiyone; "Yeah, but the mid-year sales started today so we saved some money!"_

_*Hanatoro glanced up at a scantily clad Matsumoto, who led him to a large table where the cake was set up.* _

_Matusmoto; "I hope you like the cake! I baked it with a close friend of mine. You remember Orihime, right?"_

_*Hanatoro stared at the green cake which had strange, oddly coloured patches on it.*_

_Hanatarou; *blankly* "Is that a hair?"_

_Matsumoto; *cheerful, ignoring Hanatarou* "Dig in!" *Matsumoto shoves a large slice into his mouth. Hanatorou choked but eventually swallowing it, looking a little green in the gills* "Are you okay?" _

_Hanatorou; *nods* "I'm fine. Thank you...The cake is nice..."_

_Renji; *chuckles* "Good, you can eat it. Personally, I want to keep my lower intestine intact."_

_*A large vein popped up on Matsumoto's forehead and she proceeded to kick Renji's ass while everyone watched. This results in Renji flying into Hanatarou, who is subsequently pounced on by Matsumoto in an attempt to get at Renji. When things began to get out of hand Ichigo had to break them up.* _

_Ichigo; "Pizza, anyone?"_

_Everyone; "Yeah!"_

_Hanatarou; *still on the floor, slightly out of it* "Grandpa? Is that you?"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Mmm...and that was some damn good pizza too!" Ichigo grinned, rubbing his stomach.

Rukia furrowed her brow. "You sure that's what happened? Somehow, it doesn't sound quite right..."

"No, that's the whole story." Ichigo said certainly. After a brief pause he clicked his finger, "Oh that's right!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_*Several hours later Hanatoro wound up in a bathroom, emptying his stomach and crying like a little girl. Turns out he had an allergy to women's cooking. (Oh that's sexist! We'll say Lactose just to be safe.)*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia shook her head, "I'm sure Matsumoto's cooking isn't that bad."

"You poor, innocent little child," Renji snorted. "You wouldn't be saying that if you'd actually tasted it. It's hard enough to keep it down as it is, but Hanatorou was out for weeks!"

"That wasn't my fault!" Matsumoto snarled. "Orihime was the one who put real mud in it!"

It's best to just say that the argument went on for far too long and by the end it had strayed _so_ far from the original point of discussion that nobody fully understood what was going on. (Suffice to say that the conversations slid to topics that would make them wanted by the FBI, CSI, MI6, KGB, NRA, DOD, Humane Society, FIFA, WNBA, NFL, MLBA, and McDonald's.)

The war of words, (if you could call it that), continued for the whole drive to their target. If you thought kids asking "Are we there yet?" was bad, then you've never been in a car full of half-drunk 'adults'. (And I use that term loosely.)

"You're a _dick_!" shouted Tatsuki.

"No, _you're _a dick!" Ichigo retorted.

"No, _your _dick!" Matsumoto slurred. (And vice-versa about thirteen or so times.)

By the time the van pulled up outside the right address Renji became a father figure and gave the force a lecture as if they were bickering back-seat children on a family holiday.

Not only was it patronizing, but passers by got a damn good laugh.

"Now enough bickering! We've got a job to do!" Renji took out two assault rifles and strapped a grenade belt around his torso. Everyone else took out large weapons that _really_ shouldn't be in the possession of _any _small town police force, let alone this select group.

Tatsuki put on war paint and placed a hunting knife in a sheath on her leg while feeding a bullet belt into an oversized machine gun. A cigar miraculously turned up out of the blue and fit snugly in her mouth.

Ichigo loaded a combat shotgun and attached a bayonet to the end of the barrel.

Rukia merely wielded two automatic pistols.

Kiyone struggled to hold a flame thrower which weighed more than she did.

Matsumoto held a bottle of saké, pretending it was a gun. (Everyone collectively agreed that they'd all be safer if the drunk woman _didn't _have a weapon.)

The brave warriors hopped out of the van and gave a mighty battle cry before charging towards the large building. Everyone stopped and stared at the massive sign above the door.

_"Terry's Discount Chemist."_

Needless to say, things were less depressing at a concert for suicidal emo bands. Everyone gave out deep, disappointed sighs, again in perfect unison. They needed something to cheer them up...Something like...

Ichigo gave a weak smile. "So...anyone want brownies?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! everyone exclaimed, remembering the fateful Halloween night all too well.

"Crap, I meant pizza! Pizza!" Ichigo corrected himself.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Well, what did you think? Did The Layman choose wisely for a guest writer...Or did he make a dreadful mistake? Review the story (No flames though, I wouldn't be able to get over the guilt.) Now, back to you in the studio.

_*back in studio* _

_Thanks Alex. _

_So, what __did_ _you all think? If you like it enough, maybe I'll let him do another sometime in the near future. _


	23. Blind Justice

_OK ladies, here's deal; do to another extremely funny movie that the author saw, this story's gonna be switching gears!_

_"What gears" you ask?_

_Well I'll tell you! The Karakura Police department is getting drafted! Enlisted! Pressed into service! Whatever the hell you want to call it, that's what they're doing! _

_No more of these lazy assed desk jobs, from now on they're going to be wherever you-know-what hits the fan! And they're gonna be called K-squad as well, so forget all this "KPD" busin-_

_*ksnnkt!*_

_Layman speaking; sorry about Major Pain there, he's off his meds again. _

_Anyways, do to me watching "Tropic Thunder" recently, I've come up with new ways to make the KPD's life miserable. _

_But first, here's a little something from the file of unused ideas..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"What do you mean you have to go home early because your brother is flying in tomorrow?"

"Exactly what it sounds like," Rukia said, pinching the bridge of her nose because she had to explain it to Ikkaku for the umpteenth time, "Nii-sama's plane is coming in early tomorrow and I want to be there when he arrives. And I can't do that if I stay here and get drunk with you guys. Again."

"Oh come on," Rangiku scoffed, "when have _any_ of us ever gotten drunk?"

...

...

...

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"Practically every other chapter," Rukia pointed out, "mostly at your insistence."

"You don't have any proof," Rangiku said, completely ignoring the heinous Fourth Wall breakage. "Besides, I've been sober for at least fifteen minutes now!"

"Yeah," Tatsuki said apprehensively, "I don't know how to break this to you, but you holding a half empty bottle right now isn't really helping your case much."

Matsmoto sweatdropped, but otherwise her expression remained completely neutral.

"No I'm not," she said, not even bothering to hide the bottle.

_"Anyways," _Rukia said before the conversation went down a bunny trail so far that it was irrecoverable, "I'm going home, and I'm going to sleep enough so that I'm actually able to get up in time to meet his flight."

"You never told us you had a brother," Kiyone said, wheeling over on one of the office chairs.

"Yeah," prompted Ichigo, "what's he like?"

"Well..." Rukia thought for a moment, "he's pretty nice overall, but he's a real stickler for the rules, almost to the point where he gets to be a bit of a Nazi. Oh, and he _really_ doesn't like people with abnormally colored hair, scary looking faces, cocksure attitudes, and people with all of the above traits that call him by his first name."

For those of you not paying attention, Rukia just described Ichigo to a "T".

Fortunately, Ichigo didn't realize this at the time.

"Be sure to introduce us if he ever comes by," Renji said as Rukia headed out the door.

Rukia didn't respond, as she was already well out the door when Renji asked that.

As she walked home (her house was only six blocks from the station), she thought about what she would do with her brother when he got here. In fact, she was so in thought that she did notice that she walked into an alley.

An alley that belonged to a gang.

So deep in thought was she, that she didn't even notice the gang until they pinned her up again the wall.

"Um, I don't suppose telling you that I'm a cop with a lot of cop friends would make you consider letting me go?" Rukia asked. Somewhat pathetically, actually.

Needless to say, no one believed her.

Rukia squeezed her eyes shut, sure she was going to get mugged, or worse. After a while she opened them again, only to find the thugs sprawled on the ground, most of them moaning or saying "Mommy" in small, squeaky voices.

She stared dumbfounded, unitl a low, gruff voice said, "Justice."

She whirled around in surprise, but no one was there.

"What the...," she started to say, looking around frantically. Then, she looked right at the moon, and saw the silhouette of a man, with a long scarf flowing in the breeze.

_Is there even a breeze tonight? _Rukia thought as the man turned and jumped out of sight.

"Weird...," she said, and continued home.

When she finally got to her house, she fished out her keys and unlocked the door. The minute she opened it, she heard the phone ring.

"Hello?" she said, picking it up.

_"I know where you live!" _a growly voice said on the other end.

"What do want, Ikkaku?" Rukia sighed, clearly seeing through the caller's feeble and pathetic attempt at hiding his voice.

_"Damnit! I thought I had it that time!" _

"Do you need something? I just got almost mugged and I'd like to go to bed."

_"Actually," _he said, _"I was just calling you on a bet-Wait, what's this about you almost being mugged?"_

"Well, I don't really-" she started to say, before a bunch of other voices chimed in behind Ikkaku's.

_"You were almost mugged-" "Did they hurt you-" "They didn't try to rape you, did they?-" "What did they look like-" "Were they hot?-"_

"Guys! One at a time."

_"Why don't you just tell us what happened," _Ichigo's voice came over the line.

"Well, I was walking back to my apartment, thinking about my brother, and I guess I kind of walked into an alley by accident. Anyways, there was a gang in the alley, and they kind pinned me up again the wall."

_"How scary!" _Matsumoto said, though whether she was being sincere or just being dramatic, Rukia couldn't tell.

"Then," she continued, "when they were just about to beat me up, I shut my eyes. When I opened them again, the entire gang was on the ground. Then I hear someone say "Justice" behind me. But when I look to see who it was, no one was there."

_"Ooooh!"_

Matsumoto again.

"Then I saw this guy with this really flowy scarf standing in the light of the moon. After that I came straight back home."

_"I think you had a run in with the Blind Avenger of Justice," _Kiyone said.

"The _who_ of _what_?"

_"The Blind Avenger of Justice! The visually challenged defender of the weak?"_

"Never heard of him," Rukia shrugged.

_"Seriously?"_ Kiyone persisted.

"Completely."

_"You were a very *hic!* depraved child,"_ Matsumoto said, hiccuping.

_"Seriously, how could you not know who he is?" _Renji said, disappointment saturating his voice.

_"Guys, stop pestering her already," _Ichigo said, trying to real his comrades in, _"She told us she needed to meet her brother in the morning, let her get some sleep!"_

_"Oh!" _someone scoffed (Rukia couldn't quite tell who), _"And I suppose you aren't ashamed that your girlfriend doesn't know such an well known urban legend?"_

_"Actually, no."_

_"BLASPHEMY!" _what sounded like the entire police force chorused at once. Rukia held the phone away from her ear. _How much did they drink since she left?_

_"Rukia?"_ Ichigo again. _"I'll call you back tomorrow; I half to go beat the living crap out of our friends here." _Then he hung up.

For awhile Rukia just there with a blank look on her face.

_One of these days I really need to get new friends,_ she thought as she placed the phone on the receiver.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Man! This chapter took so long to write for some weird reason. I hope it was worth the wait._

_Anyways, I'm officially putting this fic on Hiatus for the time being, since I also have a Haruhi Suzumiya story in the works and a Battle Royale fic planned. (Seriously, check that one out when it comes.) I might ask Alex I he'd do another chapter if he's not to busy with his own stuff (which I highly recommend you read). _

_So until later, Sayonara!_

_**Update: The Haruhi fic is on indefinite hiatus and the Battle Royale one is discontinued.**_


	24. Arctic Thunder Prologue

_Hello there, and welcome the next chapter of the Cold Fuzz series! I know I haven't really updated it in a while, but November gave me the perfect excuse with NaNo WriMo. So in the spirit of that, I'm going try and write at least one segment a day of at least 2000 words each. By the end of the month, that should be about __60,000_ _words! That's a lot!_

_Let's begin with a little recap of the series so far..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Prologue; Monthly Yoga delivery.

In the small Japanese town of Karakura, there resides a vigilant, steadfast police force.

Thought you probably didn't need _me_ to tell you that. I mean, what place with a stable government doesn't have a police force?

But that's no important right now. What is important is the story of the nine brave civil servants that kept that fair town safe. May a time they were the only thing that stood between Peace and Anarchy. They were the most loyal, daring, courageous, hard working- *snerk!* PFFT!

I'm sorry, I can't do this; the KPD was a bunch of lazy-ass morons, (well, most of them at least), who barely did any real police work at all, let alone anything else. Frankly, it was a big deal if one of them broke wind.

Thrbbt!

Sorry, that one was me.

Moving on, this force *coughFarcecough* consisted of four male and five female officers. They were (in respective order); Abarai Renji, Kurosaki Ichigo, Madarame Ikkaku, Ayasegawa Yumichika, Kuchiki Rukia, Arisawa Tatsuki, Mastsumoto Rangiku, and the Kotesu sisters, Kiyone and Isane.

(They used to have another guy member, but he eventually left due to gross insanity.)

Anyways, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that the KPD kind of gets off easy with everything (despite the whining they do all the time).

However, they'll soon realize that they will face their greatest challenge yet...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"How the hell do legs even bend this way!" Ikkaku moaned, fighting hard to keep the tears from dripping down his face. He was currently tied up in a shape that looked something like a cross between a pretzel, a knot, and a plate of spaghetti.

Greatest challenge, _right..._

"Does it really matter?" Yumichika asked, in a similar position. "As long as you find your inner peace, what do you care if some Yoga positions are physically impossible for the human body?"

"I'm actually with Ikkaku on this one," Tatsuki said. "I think one of my kidneys is where my medulla oblongata should be."

In case you haven't guessed by now, they're doing Yoga (at Yunichika's insistence).

"I think my appendix ruptured!" cried Ichigo, rolling around in pain.

"Don't worry," Matasumoto said reassuringly, "you don't need that thing anyways."

How she wasn't in any pain, no one could guess. (Though my guess would be that it works on the same principal as drunken boxing.)

"Guys," Rukia pipped up, "should I be worried that I can't feel my lower back?"

"Hey Sis," Kiyone asked, turning to Isane, who was sitting out on the excuse that 'if she got injured, she not fix everyone else when they did'. Lucky, son of a... "We're not going to die, are we?"

"Um...," she said, "I don't _think_ so?"

"What do mean, 'think'!" Renji exploded. "That's it, I'm not staying in this position one fricking _second _longer!" He tried to untangle his arms, but he couldn't, as they were both tied around his left ankle.

One by one, all the other officers realized that none of them could undo themselves either.

"Seriously guys," Rukia pleaded, "now it feels like my left thigh isn't there anymore!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I really don't see what the problem was?" Yumichika told everyone after they all eventually got untangled by the combined efforts of he and Isane. (He did Yoga regularly, so it wasn't a problem for him to get out of it.) "I mean, once you get your foot unhooked from your ear the rest just does itself!"

"If I never see another Twister game again it'll be too soon," Tatsuki growled.

"I don't think I could have children if I wanted to anymore!" Ikkaku moaned, still doubled over in pain.

Yumichika sighed, "And you people call _me _a 'Pansy'...", hanging his head in a disappointed fashion.

Rukia glared a him, "If I did have kids, they'd be feeling this pain too."

"I kind of like it," Matsumoto said to the surprise of _everyone _in the room.

Somewhere in the kitchen, Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"What?" she said, "I did. My ki's never been cleaner."

Over on Rukia's desk, the squeak of Quincy's exercise wheel could be heard.

"Anyone got any extra saké?" Mastumoto asked, much to no one's surprise.

"I think we still have a few cans if the 'fridge," Renji said, happy that things were starting to return to normal. (Or at least what constituted for 'normal' around there.)

"Thanks." And with that, Matsumoto went off to get plastered.

"So...," Ichigo finally said, "did anyone bring the mail in yet?"

"We get mail?" Kiyone said, shocked.

"Sure we do," Ikkaku said, "Isane get's her medical journals all the time."

"Oh, so _that's _what those were," Kiyone gasped. "I thought it just junk mail."

"So _you're _the one who keeps throwing those out!" Isane shouted, veins starting to pop out on her forehead.

"I don't think anyone ever checks the mail," Renji mused, leaving the Kotetsu sisters to duke it out on their own.

"That certainly explains why I never get any," Rukia suddenly realized.

That's when there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it!" Yumichika said, springing to his feet.

"Is he expecting a package or something?" Rukia asked.

"Actually, yes," Yumichika said, having not gotten out of earshot of his fellow officers yet, "I am."

"But don't you just make one of us go it for you?" Tatsuki asked.

"Normally, yes. But this time is different; it's an incredibly hard to get item, and I didn't want any of you little people dropping it or anything."

"Oh come on," Kiyone scoffed (in between grappling with her enraged sister), "we're not _that_ bad."

"Why do you usually make us get your stuff?" Rukia asked.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Yumichika; "Hanatarou, go pick up that styling gel I ordered from that boutique down the block, would you?" _

_*Hanatarou looks outside*_

_Hanatarou; "Ahhh, what a lovely day! I think I'll go for a walk. No point in driving down to the boutique on such a beautiful day like this!"_

_Tatsuki; "You sure? The horoscope for today said that someone will get attacked by a hive entity." _

_Hanatarou; "Oh, I don't listen to horoscopes, Arisawa; they almost never come true anyways." _

_*Hanatarou walks out the door and strolls happily down the street. He eventually get the the boutique in question, picks up Yumichika's order, and leaves. A few minutes later a pale-skinned, sparkly, gay man runs by him, followed by a horde of fangirls that share one brain between them. Hanatarou is subsequently trampled for two minutes straight.*_

_Hanatarou; "Ow..."_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Let's just say the last time I sent someone for a special order, it ended up on the pavement with millions if footprints in it." And with that, Yumichika went outside to get his parcel.

"Why on earth would you think that _International Medicine Monthly_was junk mail!" Isane screamed, putting Kiyone into a half-Nelson. "Do you know how many hours I wasted calling their complaints line!"

"I said I'm sorry already!" Kiyone protested. "What else do you want me to say?"

"Don't you think we should break them up?" Rukia wondered out loud.

"Eh," Renji shrugged, "they'll forget about it before long. Just give them a couple hours."

By this time Yumichika had come back in, carrying a cubic buttload of envelopes.

"Holy crap!" Ichigo gasped, "Where did all that mail come from?"

Yumichika shrugged, "I suppose it's all the mail we've gotten since Hanatarou stopped showing up for work."

"Oh," Tatsuki said, "I forgot that the little guy was the only one who actually bothered to get the mail."

"Hmm," Ichigo grunted, preparing to sort through the veritable mountain of forgotten letters, magazines, and packages before him, "so what have I been missing all this time?"

"Apparently, you missed out on Ikkaku going through a _Wild Hearts Quarterly_phase," Rukia said, holding up a copy of the shojo manga.

"THAT WAS BECAUSE OF A DARE!" Ikkaku shouted, snatching the volume away from the diminutive policewoman.

"Touchy..."

"Hey!" Renji suddenly burst out, startling the nearby cops, "Here's that back issue of _Jump_I've been waiting for forever!" Renji rapidly flipped through the publication.

That right folks, give it up for fourth wall breaking paradoxes!

"Does anyone see anything marked for me?" Kiyone asks, her fight with her sister temporarily forgotten.

"How about this?" Tatsuki hands a large box, and Kiyone tears at it with wild abandon.

"OH MY GOD!" she screamed. "IT'S A NINTENDO 64! I've been waiting for this thing since I was eleven!"

"Didn't they stop making those things, like, ten years ago?" Ikkaku asked, having well hidden his manga by now. (Psst! Don't tell him I told you that.)

"This looks interesting," Ichigo said, holding up a manila envelope that said "Special, Rush, Urgent, Open Immediately!".

"You think it's important?" Isane asked.

Everyone, including Yumichika's cricket and Quincy the Mouse, collectively sweatdropped.

"Have you been hitting Rangiku's booze?" Renji asked.

"Guys, you might want to see this," Ichigo said with trepidation. "It says that we're all being reassigned." He handed the paper around, and everyone froze in place until the next person took the paper and the process repeats.

"So," Matsumoto slurred, stumbling back out of the kitchen, "Did the *hic* mail come yet?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well? You like? Anyways, this is only the tip of the iceberg for the KPD's next big adventure. Don't worry, I'll share the rest with you once it's finished. Though that probably won't be until December cause that's when Nano WriMo ends. _

_Until then, enjoy this one in the mean time! _

_(Oh yeah, I'm gonna need stuff to write once Nano WriMo is over, so tell me what you want to see the KPD do next!)_


	25. AT chapter 1

_Well, I didn't make my gal for National Novel Writing Month, but the good news is that you guys are getting more of what you love! _

_So without further adieu..._

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

Chapter one: Yukon ho!

"So let me get this straight," Urahara Kisuke said as officers of the KPD stood in front of his store, the _Urahara Shoten_, "you got a letter months ago saying you're suppose to be reassigned, but it sat in the mailbox with the rest of your mail for the past year?"

"Actually, it's probably more like a year and a half," Kiyone said, still nursing a bruise from her and Isane's fight the other day.

"And I'm guessing you guys came here to stock up for wherever you're being reassigned to, am I right?"

"Pretty much," Renji nodded.

"Can't help you," Kisuke said simple.

"Huh?" everyone said in unison.

"I run a convenience store," the man in the geta sandals explained, "I carry key chains and snack food; odds are I probably don't have anything that'll be useful in your situation."

"But you have booze right there," Matsumoto pointed out, gesturing to a refrigerator stuffed with all kinds of alcoholic beverages.

"Obviously with one or two small exceptions."

"So you seriously don't have _anything _we could use?" Kiyone pleaded, doing her best Bambi Eye whimper.

"Pretty sure," he said, completely unfazed Kiyone's attempt at 'cute'. "Do you guys even know where you're headed?"

If Yumichika's cricket were here now, you could totally hear him chirp.

"Now I'm no expert," Urahara said, "but you might want to find that little piece of information out _before_ you go shopping."

"Good point," Isane mused.

"Can we at least get some saké before we go?" Matsumoto asked.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Later, as per Urahara's suggestion, the intrepid police force of Karakura Town were on the phone, trying to find out where the hell they were being moved to.

"No, I'm trying to find out where the _Karakura Police Department_ is being reassigned to. I don't want to freaking talk to this 'Lando Calrissian' person, not unless he can tell me where we're going."

With little success.

"Look," Renji continued, "all I want is...What?...No, I...You do?...Only on weekdays...The third one...He did?...But I thought...But how about...Yes...Yes I know, but...That long?...Oh, well, that changes everything...I honestly didn't know that...Oh, you too?...That's great...So could you?...That'd be great...No, thank _you_...Sure...Sure thing...yeah...Have a nice day...Goodbye."

"So? Where are we getting reassigned to?" Rukia asked eagerly.

"No idea, they kept stonewalling me," Renji huffed. "Seriously, you'd think these things would be easier to learn, especially since this was already supposed to happen already."

"Yeah," Tatsuki agreed, "you think they'd have sent someone for us by now if it was that important."

At that exact moment the front door was kicked in.

BANG!

"Anybody home?" the gruff, dangerous voice of Zaraki Kenpachi asked as he stomped into the office.

"Zaraki! What are you doing here?" Ikkaku asked.

"I just came to see how you guys were doing, and to wish you guys luck at your new job."

"Geez, does _everyone_ know about this?" Kiyone exasperated.

"Only everyone I know," Zaraki shrugged. Then he leaned into Isane, "By the way, dress warm."

"Didn't we just put you away for reckless endangerment?" Ichigo asked the mammoth repeat offender.

"Yeah, but the dropped the charges. Apparently, Yachiru makes a mean lawyer."

When Ichigo looked confused at the mention of Yachiru, Rukia leaned over and whispered, "His little sister."

"So after she sprung me, this mean looking chick came up to me and asked me to help get your sorry butts out the door," the giant explained. "Well, not so much 'asked' as implied that she'd put me in solitary if I didn't." A smile crept onto his face, "It was kinda hot.

"Anyways, I gotta get you guys out of here, so don't take any of this personally." Then he swept up the entire division in one deft motion, and carried them out the door.

"My medical supplies!" Isane wailed.

"My cricket!" called Yumichika.

"My baby!' yelled Rukia, obviously talking about her pet mouse and not an _actual_ baby. (She and Ichigo haven't even got past first base yet, anyways.)

"My booze!" cried Matsumoto.

"Don't worry," Zaraki told them, "you'll get your personal items later. Thought they're gonna have to ship them to ya; there's not a lot of room in that little van or yours."

Then, with a mighty heave, he chucked the nine bamboozled police officers of their ratty old police van.

"I think I broke something," Tatsuki groans.

"Yeah," Renji agrees, "I think it was my gall bladder."

"I can't feel my legs again," Rukia says.

"Matsumoto's ass is in my face," Yumichika complained.

"Is now a bad time to mention that I get car sick on long trips?" Isane ventured.

It was at that moment that all hell broke loose.

Suddenly, three gunshots fire fired right outside the van, BANG! BANG! BANG! This got the bumbling cop's attention, and they all turned to see a very serious looking policewoman.

"So," she said, her voice carrying a cold edge to it, "these are the 'cops' I'm suppose whip into shape?" She pinched the bridge of her nose, "I knew that little fiasco with that Yoruichi woman would come back to bite me…"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Soi-fon; "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to ask you to come down from that tree. _

_Yoruichi; "Make me." *Then Yoruichi grabs a nearby bird and holds it hostage* "Come any closer and the bird gets it!"_

_Soi-fon; *Pinches the bridge of her nose. Then another officer happens by*_

_Random police officer; Hey there Soi-fon, need a hand?_

_Soi-fon; "Be my guest."_

_Random police officer; *into a bullhorn* "Shihouin Yoruichi, please put down the bird and come down from the tree! Not only are the 'Do not climb the trees' signs clearly posted, but I'm not sure that it's entirely natural for grown women to be chasing birds like you are. It's already bad enough that we've had to bring you in for those complaints about you nuzzling people in the park, but- AAARRRGGGGHHH! NO! DON'T TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF! INDECENT EXPOSURE, INDECENT EXPOSURE!_

_Soi-fon; "I didn't want to resort to this, but…" *Soi-fon pulls out a tazer and fires it at Yoruichi. It hits Yoruichi dead on, and she spasms a bit before collapsing to the ground in a heap* _

_*Two months later, Yoruichi sues against Soi-fon for police brutality*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Now," Soi-fon straightened up and steeled her voice, "my name is Soi-fon. You will address as 'Soi-fon taichou' or 'Ma'am'. _Nothing else._ You will also obey every order I give you, or you will be disciplined to the utmost possible extremity. And as for- Yes?" Soi-fon turned glare at Kiyone. At least, she thought it was Kiyone. She could only really see her rear, which was shaking frantically to get her attention.

"I have a question," Kiyone said, slightly muffled, "Where exactly are we going?"

"You are going to spend three months in retraining. Apparently, the higher ups on the chain found your over all performance rather…shall we say, 'sub-par'." Then a wry smile creeps onto her face. "And I have the honor of retraining you," she said with heavy sarcasm. "Now shut up, and stay that way until we get to our destination." With that, she turned to close the doors.

"But what if-" Kiyone started to say, before the doors were slammed shut, cutting off any further communications.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there-?"

"Say that one more time and you'll be wishing you were in Hell instead of 'there', _comprendé?_" Soi-fon growls, clutching the steering wheel so hard it almost broke apart from the sheer pressure.

So yeah, Soi-fon was nearing the end of her fuse.

"Yes Ma'am," Matsumoto manages to squeak out.

"That's what I thought."

By now they had been driving for over four hours, and needless to say, they were starting to get antsy.

Some of the more interesting complaints were…

"Remember what I said about car sickness?"

"Are you _sure_ there isn't a bathroom anywhere?"

"Make her stop touching me!"

"I'm _bored!_ Let's sing 'Ninety-nine bottle of bear on the wall'!"

"Seriously, you're _sure_ you can't find a bathroom?"

"Make him stop touching my boobs!"

And the ever popular…

"Are we there yet?"

But that one was already established, wasn't it?

Eventually, they arrived at their destination; an air field.

"This is it?" Renji wonders when they're finally let out. "I was expecting something…I don't know…"

"Less filthy?" Yumichika ventures.

"I was thinking 'not suckish', but I guess that works too."

"Is that airplane made out of wood?" Rukia asked, pointed to an old, run down, half broken plane out on the runway.

"You like it?" Soi-fon asks. "'Cause that what we're going to be riding in to get to the training facility."

Nine pairs of jaw simultaneously drop.

"You've got to be freaking kidding me," Tatsuki deadpans.

"I never 'kid' anyone," Soi-fon says, completely devoid of humor.

"Oh joy."

"Can I take the time to point out that I'm allergic to faulty aircraft?" Ikkaku said, risking the superior's ire.

"No, you may not."

Matsumoto raised her hand.

"Are there going to be those little bottles of alcohol on board?"

"What do you think?" Soi-fon whispered dangerously.

"...Peanuts?"

Soi-fon shook her head slowly.

"Are there any other 'questions'?" she asked everyone else.

She got unanimous head shakes all around.

"Now, when you get on the plane, you will go directly to you seats and stay there for the duration of the flight."

"That's what she said," someone said under their breath. Fortunately for that person (coughMatsumotocough), Soi-fon ignored that.

"Anyways," the disgruntled policewoman continued, "that means no getting up to stretch your legs, no switching seats with someone else, no exploring the pilot's station…," she paused and grinned evilly, "and no bathroom breaks."

This garnered a collective series of "Aw man!"s and "You gotta be kidding me!"s throughout the ranks of the KPD.

"So I suggest you go before take off." Then Soi-fon went into the plane.

"This sucks," Renji said, kicking the dirt, "I made plans for tomorrow and everything!"

"Really?" Rukia asked, "What?"

"I was going to hang out with some of my old friends behind the Urahara Shoten."

"Do they really expect us to get on _that_ thing?" Yumichika wondered incredulously. "It looks like it still has Pre-War dust in there!"

"For once, I have to agree with you," Isane said, her eye wide at all the health hazards and safety regulations this plane ignored. "I think I just saw a bacteria grow eyeballs in one of the engines just now."

"Not to mention Gunmetal Grey is _so_ last decade!"

"Does anyone know which stall is the Girl's room?" Kiyone called. "They both look exactly the same!"

"The one with the toilets that stand up is the Boy's one," Ichigo called back.

"They both have them!"

"Then just use the one with white tiles!"

"Neither of them is white; one's brown and the other's yellow!"

This was going to be a _long_ day.

"The yellow one then!"

"They're all clogged up in this one!"

Oh for the love of…. OK, I think we've given the bathroom humor its due; let's keep this story moving.

While Ichigo was helping Kiyone with her bathroom dilemma, Rukia was engaged in a somewhat interesting conversation with Matsumoto.

"…So then, he said, "Let's try it with Firecracker Pocky". So we did." Matsumoto paused for a moment, "They say they could get his hearing back in only four months."

"And you were just OK with that?" Rukia asked. "In public?"

"Uh huh," Rangiku nodded, "And we made sure people were watching when we did it too." Then a light bulb went on in her head, "You and Ichigo should give it a try!"

"Somehow, I don't think Ichigo will go for a contest to see what stuff you could fit in you mouth. Besides, we're just friends."

Matsumoto rip snorted.

"OH, that rich!" she laughed. "Seriously, you two are more of a couple then Ikkaku and Yumichika. Everybody sees it."

"WE'RE NOT A COUPLE!" Ikkaku yelled, steam shooting from his ears.

"Anyways," Rangiku continued, ignoring the Pachinko Ball's outburst, "you and Ichigo are _totally_ sweet on each other. One of these days, you need to capitalize on that."

Rukia was about to protest, but before she could, Soi-fon came back.

"Alright," she said, "the break's over, everyone get on the plane, _now_."

"Wait!" Kiyone pleaded, having just zipped her pants back up. "Don't leave without me!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Can you just imagine sitting on a plane with _those _guys? _

_I know, right? _

_Anyways, keep sending those reviews in, people! Happy holidays!_


	26. AT chapter 2

_Heeeere's chapter two!_

_Let's hope they don't cause the plane to crash before we actually get to the end of the chapter…_

Chapter two; A Wonderful New Life (NOT!)

Contrary to _all_ the evidence that indicated otherwise, the plane _actually _managed to lift off the ground.

I know; even _I'm _shocked!

However, that was really the only good side. Because if there's anything we've learned about the Karakura police, it's that they have very short attention spans for long trips.

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're-

"Will you two just shut up already!" Ichigo exploded, while trying his best not to rip Renji's and Matsumoto's heads off.

"He started it!" Rangiku accused, point a finger at Renji's head

"I don't care who started it, I'll have Tatsuki finish it," Ichigo threatened.

This shut them both up, though after a few minutes they picked their argument of "No, you're a dick!" up again in hushed whispers.

"Hey, Soi-fon Taichou?" Rukia called up to the pilot's station.

"What?" Soi-fon growled through clenched teeth.

"When will our stuff arrive?"

"What stuff?"

"The stuff at our old office. Zaraki said they'd bring our stuff to wherever you're taking us."

Soi-fon shrugged. "I suppose it should get there around the time we do," she said with little emotion.

"OK then." Rukia was contented. Soon she'd be able to see Quincy again.

"Oy, Yumichika," Ikkaku whispered to his peacock-eyed friend, "What's the first thing you're gonna do once we get off the plane?"

"Take a shower and try to wash off all the prehistoric filth I'm covered in," he answered with conviction. Ikkaku looked at where his friend was sitting.

"Dude, that area's shinier then the top of my head, what's there to clean?"

"I can just feel the dirt and sweat from fifty years bonding to my perfect cells, OK?" Yumichika protested.

"Pfft, whatever…."

"Hey Sis," Kiyone said, rubbing the arm of her sister comfortingly, "how's you motion sickness holding up?" Isane nodded, and tried to hold back another heave.

Yeah, let's just say it didn't work as well as she thought it would.

"Eeww!" Tatsuki exclaimed, staring at the chunks now gracing the limited floor space where they were sitting. "You should really think about taking some medicine or something. You're a doctor, why not just prescribe yourself some?"

"Oh, I can't handle drugs of any kind," Isane explained.

"Really? Why not?"

"I went to medical school, remember? I know exactly what's in all of them."

"Oh come on, I really don't think-"

"_All of them."_

"OK then…."

By now even Kiyone was inching away from her sister. (Actually, she and Tatsuki were really the only ones; everyone else was occupied with their own little squabbles.)

"Has she always been this way?" Tatsuki whispered to Kiyone across the way.

"Ever since we were both out of booster seats."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Young Kiyone; "Okaa-san! Isane-chan won't give me the middle seat!"_

_Mrs. Kotesu; "Isane-chan, it's you sister's turn to sit in the middle, you know that."_

_Young Isane; "But what if we're in a car accident! The middle is the safest place in the car!" _

_Mrs. Kotesu; "Isane-chan, the chances of us actually getting in a car accident are practically nothing! Now move over so your sister can have the middle seat."_

_*Four minutes later, Mrs. Kotesu accidentally runs into the recycle bins. Isane throws up.)_

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

"_Great…"_

"But don't worry," Kiyone reassured her friend, holding up a small syringe, "there's a simple solution." Then she jabbed the syringe into Isane's neck and depressed the plunger.

A moment later she went limp, snoring peacefully.

Meanwhile, while Matsumoto and Renji were still in the middle of their "No, you're a dick!" whispering match, Ichigo leaned over to Rukia and whispered, "I'm sure Quincy will be perfectly fine when we get there, don't' worry."

Rukia jumped a bit. She wasn't really expecting Ichigo or anyone else for that matter to comfort her about the matter. I mean, everyone in the KPD were loyal to a fault and would go out of their way to help a friend in a moment's notice, but they kind of needed a BIG push to do it.

"Thanks," she said, reflexively wiping a tear from her eye.

OK, there wasn't really a tear there, but don't tell her brain that.

Meanwhile, in the pilot's station, Soi-fon was getting increasingly anxious. She hadn't hard any commotion from the back of the plane in a while, and in her experience, that meant they were probably planning something.

Fortunately, those thoughts were interrupted when the radio sprang to life.

_#Transport Delta 2 Niner Bravo, you've been circling the airfield for about a half an hour now. Are you planning on landing any time soon, over?#_

"This is Transport Delta 2 Niner Bravo," Soi-fon replied, "_of course_ I'm going to land, Tower. Why wouldn't I?" Then she added, "Don't answer that, over."

_**#**__Whatever you say, transport. There a bit of a storm brewing here, so we're turning on the runway lights for you. Please try not to run into any building when you land, we just had everything repainted, over.#_

Soi-fon grunted affirmation, then reached over to the intercom mike and flipped the on switch.

"Listen up, Maggots," she said, "we're about to land in a few minutes, so strap yourselves in if you don't want to become one with the plane."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

After the plane landed everyone was more than happy to get off that thing. Except for Isane, because she was still unconscious from the shot Kiyone had given her.

"Land!" Kiyone shouted with glee, running out and kissing the ground profusely.

"Has she always been this way?" Tatsuki asked the unconscious Isane.

Surprisingly, she didn't get an answer.

"I hope we're someplace warm," Matsumoto sighed.

"I second that," Yumichika agreed, "I've been meaning to work on my tan."

"How does the sun even reach your skin with all the makeup you always wear?" Ikkaku wondered.

"That would explain why you never where sunscreen," Renji mused.

"I'm just happy to see Quincy again," Rukia said, "I just hope the trip up wasn't to rough on him…"

"From what I've heard, he sounds like an incredibly tough little mouse. I'm sure he'll be fine," Ichigo pointed out.

"Hot sunny beaches, here we come!" Matsumoto said, twirling around at the bottom of the plane's ramp. Ichigo and Rukia just stared for a moment, then shrugged and followed her anyway.

It was then that everybody actually realized that they were standing in the middle of a blizzard.

…

"Well, this sucks…"

"Totally…"

"I was kind of hoping for Maui or something…"

"So does this mean the pool's closed?"

"Is there a bathroom anywhere around here?" Kiyone asked.

"That looks like it over there," Tatsuki said, pointing with the arm she wasn't holding Isane with.

"How can you tell? I can barely see five feet in front of me."

"I don't know, I just can."

"Whatever…" Kiyone shrugged, heading off in the direction Tatsuki pointed in. A minute later, however, she cried, "They both look the same!"

Déjà-vu much?

"OK, Maggots," said Soi-fon, who was now out of the plane and well bundled up, "your quarters are over there, next to the bathrooms. Go in, get settled, and get back here on the double.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to berate the other trainees here for something I'll make up on the spot."

Then she disappeared into the swirling blizzard.

"Well, we might as well get settled in," Renji suggested. "I personally don't want to stand out here freezing my ass off all day." Pretty much everyone thought that was a good idea.

Except for Kiyone. She was still trying to figure out the damn bathrooms.

After a few (OK, after _a lot of_) do-overs and bruises, the bumbling police officers finally found the building they were suppose to stay in.

When they finally got inside, however…

"This looks _exactly_ like our old building!" Rukia gasped, eyes flying around the room to all their old stuff.

"You know what," Yumichika said, picking up a bottle of eyeliner he remembered dropping under his desk before they left, "I think this _is_ the old building."

Somewhere, Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"Wait, how the hell did they moving the _entire building_ from Karakura to this place?" Tatsuki wondered, setting Isane down at her desk. "It doesn't even make sense!"

"Who cares if it makes sense?" Renji said, throwing his hands up, "Now we don't have to unpack!"

"But we didn't bring anything with us in the first place," Ichigo point out. "Zaraki just picked us up and threw us in the van."

"Doesn't matter."

"Whoa!" Matsumoto gasped as she came in. "It looks just like the old place!"

"Thanks Rangiku, we didn't notice that at _all_," Renji deadpanned.

"You know," Kiyone said, confused, "you haven't had a drop of alcohol since before the van ride. How can you still be drunk!"

"I have no idea," Matsumoto said, honestly having no idea how she could still be drunk.

"Guys," Rukia moaned, "has anyone seen Quincy?"

No one had.

But just when Rukia was about to go into hysterics, the familiar squeaking of Quincy's exercise wheel could be heard underneath one of the desks. Rukia frantically searched underneath all the desks until she reached Yumichika's.

"Quincy!" she squealed, scooping the entire cage up in a fierce embrace.

"See?" said Ichigo, giving her a hearty pat on the back that almost caused her to drop the cage, "I told you he'd be fine."

At that moment, Isane decided to come to.

"Ugh," she groaned, "I had the weirdest dream…"

"You're gonna have to be more specific, Sis," Kiyone said flatly.

"I dreamed that we were reassigned, and that we had to fly in some rickety old deathtrap of a plane."

"Uh, I hate to break it to you, Isane," Renji said slowly, "but that really did happen."

"No it didn't, we're at the Police Station."

Sighing, Renji walked over to Isane and turned her head so that she was looking out the window that her desk was conveniently located next to.

"Holy f-"

"_Fastman_!"

All eyes turned to Ikkaku.

"What?" he said. "I just found my copy of my _Fastman_ manga."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_OK, now that they're all settled in, it's time for the PAIN! Training begins next chapter, so don't be late, or else you'll drop and give me fifty!_


	27. AT chapter 3

_OK, slight change of plans; it looks like the KPD is going to visit the Mess Hall before any actual "training" gets done._

_Either way, it should still be pretty funny._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Chapter Three; They don't call it the Mess Hall for nothing

After the KPD got settled in to their…is it their _new_ or _old_ digs? I can't really tell. Anyways, after they got settled in, they pretty much conked out then and there.

…What? They were tired from the flight. Getting on each other's nerve was really tiring.

Unfortunately, the sweet embrace of Morpheus was not to be had. Because not two minutes after they all entered R.E.M. cycle, they were awakened by the sound of Soi-fon shouting through a bullhorn.

"RISE AND SHINE, MAGGOTS!" she politely told them at 100 decibels, "I TOLD YOU TO REPORT BACK TO ONCE YOU GOT SETTLED! WHAT PART OF THAT DIDN'T YOU ACADAMY REJECTS UNDERSTAND?"

"OW!" was chorused from various impromptu napping spots all around the office. Needless to say many ears were held in pain.

"GET YOUR LAZY BUTTS MOVING RIGHT NOW BEFORE I GET _THE DRAGON_ IN HERE TO DO IT FOR YOU!"

"Who's _The Dragon_?" Tatsuki asked, having regained her proper hearing first.

"He's my best student," Soi-fon told them, not through the bullhorn this time thank god. "He's at the top of all his classes, and he's only four feet tall!"

"Um," Ichigo said _oh_ so eloquently, "what does his height have anything to do with how good he does in class?"

"It doesn't, but he can still kick all your asses into tomorrow without breaking a sweat."

"Is he cute?"

"Huh?" she said, a bit taken aback by Matsumoto's question.

"Is he cute?" the voluptuous policewoman repeated.

"Now how is that any more pertinent than his height?"

"It isn't," Matsumoto shrugged, "I'm just curious."

"WHO FREAKING CARES!" Soi-fon was using the bullhorn again. "NOT GET OVER TO THE MESS HALL BEFORE I PERSONALLY RENDER EACH OF YOU UNABLE TO EVER HAVE CHILDREN!

"_Slowly_," she added without the bullhorn, punctuating it with a _very_ evil grin.

Two seconds later there wasn't a soul in the building save Soi-fon.

A half second after that, they were all in the Mess Hall.

"I don't think I've ever run so hard in my entire life," Isane panted.

"I know what you mean," Yumichika agreed in a similar fashion, "I haven't run even close to this hard ever since that sale on moisturizer."

"The last time I ran this hard," Renji said, "was when I was ten."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Young Renji; *running for his life* "Seriously guys, it's not a wig! I'm freaking ten years old, why would I even need one?"_

_Random bully; "Who said anything about that? We just want to pound on you cuz you're different, right guys?" _

_Other bullies; "Damn Skippy we are!"_

_Young Renji; "AAAAAHHH!"_

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

"They even drew ridiculous fake eyebrows on me."

Somewhere, a penguin honked.

"At least now we have a moment to-"

"TEN HUT!"

Immediately, nine pairs of boots made a rapid acquaintance with the floor.

"So," a man in a flower pattern bathrobe said, walking up and down the row of policemen (and women). His shaggy brown hair was in a ponytail, and he had a scraggly beard on his chin. And he was scowling, which really made him look scary, "these are the new recruits they sent us?"

He scrutinized each of them.

"Well," he said eventually, "I've got only one thing to say to you guys…."

He reached his hand into his bathrobe, and the KPD officers closed their eyes and cringed.

"Who wants saké?"

They all cracked open their eyes, and saw that he was only holding a bottle of saké.

"I like this guy," Matsumoto grinned, grabbing the bottle from his hands. Then she uncorked it and began chugging it like there was no tomorrow.

"Hey," the guy protested, "I didn't say you could take the whole bottle!"

"Where did you get your bathrobe?" Yumichika asked. "It's absolutely fabulous!"

"Thanks, I made it myself," he beamed with pride. Then he cleared his throat, "Anyways, my name is Kyoraku-sensei, but y'all can just call me Shunsui if you fell like it."

"So, Kyoraku-sensei," Tatsuki said, not really caring what the man preferred to be called, "what exactly do you teach here?"

"I'm glad you asked that, young lady," Kyoraku said with a bit of flirtatiousness, "I teach-"

"He teaches absolutely nothing," a bespectacled woman said, suddenly appearing behind the goateed man. "He's actually the cook, _and he should be making lunch right now,_" she not-so-subtly growled at him.

"Oh, Nanao-chan," he said, "don't be so serious all the time." He patted her head, "There's still plenty of time before lunch!"

"Actually," Rukia said, looking at her watch, "its half past twelve."

"See?" he said, totally not getting it, "plenty of time!"

"You think so?" Nanao asked, raising an eyebrow. Then she went over to the main doors to the Mess and flung them open, taking care to jump out of the way so as not to get trampled by the horde of cadets that came pouring through. Kyoraku and the KPD only had second to react before they were all trampled.

Unfortunately, their reactions all consisted of "Aaaaaahhhh!".

When the trampling finally ceased, everyone unlucky enough to have been caught in the stampede were now reduced to cardboard cutouts of their former selves.

Yes, even Matsumoto was the width of everyone's' favorite corrugated paper product.

"My spleen…" Isane moaned.

"My coccyx…" groaned Ikkaku, curling into the fetal position.

"My saké!" Matsumoto cried, reaching for the broken shards of her newly (but briefly) acquired bottle.

"That's my little Nanao-chan," Kyoraku managed weakly, "always such a kidder."

"_Who's_ your little Nanao-chan?" said little Nanao-chan asked, standing over the cook with a dangerous scowl on her face.

"Um…" Kyoraku said, now fearing for his life, "not you?" He cringed, waiting for the inevitable beating the always seemed to follow whenever he answered questions like this.

But nothing happened.

"Don't forget that," the bespectacled demon said as she picked the lowly, humbled cook up by his ear and dragged him towards the kitchen.

"I apologize for Kyoraku-san, he always tried to hit on any new female students."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Kyoraku; *is drunk and is in his bathrobe and a loincloth. He walks up to a group of female students* "Hey ladies, anyone want to come to my party?"_

_Girls; *all scream in a pitch so high that even dogs can't hear it, slap him, then run away at speeds approaching the speed of light*_

_Kyoraku; "But you haven't even heard my Sailor Venus impression yet!"_

_Random guy; *comes up and punches Kyoraku right in the face*_

_Kyoraku; *on ground* "Ow…"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Just don't ever let him do his Sailor Venus impression," Nanao warned, before she disappeared into the place where things that resembled food were made.

"Weird," was all Rukia could say.

"I second that," Ichigo concurred.

After that was a rather awkward silence that lasted at least ten minutes before anyone broke it.

"So…" Tatsuki eventually said, "do you guy think we should eat something?"

"I don't see why not," Kiyone said, patting her stomach. "Beside, we haven't really eaten anything since yesterday."

"Sounds good to me," Yumichika agreed.

After unanimously agreeing on lunch our stalwart heroes made their way to the lunch line to satisfy their apparent hunger. Unfortunately, the line was about five miles long.

"I really hope they don't run out of pudding before we get there," said Kiyone. "Pudding was always my favorite when I was in school."

"You're lucky;" Rukia said longingly, "I always had a bento box my brother made for me."

"Aww!" Rangiku cooed. "That's so adorable!"

"What did he pack you?" Isane asked.

"Some rice balls, a cookie, a juice box, and a bottle of mayonnaise."

"Why'd he pack you mayonnaise?" Ichigo wondered.

"I don't know; he'd never explain it to me."

"I wish my parents made me a bento for lunch," Yumichika huffed, "I always just got handed a bunch of money and was told to 'go wild'."

"Wait, I'm confused," Matsumoto said, surprising no one. "What's bad about getting to choose whatever you wanted to eat at school? _I_ certainly never got to do that."

"Then you were lucky. All they ever served was pizza, burgers, hot dogs, canned vegetables, and sugary sweets."

"Again, what's the problem?"

"The _problem_," Yumichika annunciated, "is that it was all empty calories! I couldn't go getting this figure go to waste, you know. Plus, it _totally_ would have wrecked my skin for life!"

"That's all? Then how did you survive?"

"I bought stuff on the way and bribed the staff to let me eat it there, _duh!_"

"I was kind of the same way," Isane said. "I had to beg my parents to make me a lunch at home so I wouldn't get a disease from the stuff at school."

"I wasn't that way at all. I was just worried about love handles."

"Hey guys," Renji interjected, "we're here."

It was true. While the rest of them were talking, the line had moved forward to the point where the nine policemen from Karakura town were almost to the food (like substances).

"Hey guys!" Kyoraku called from the kitchen, "I saved some of the good stuff for ya!"

"You da man!" Ikkaku shouted back.

"Well," Ichigo sighed, "it can't be any worse than to slop we usually eat, right?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

It was.

It _really_ was.

Seriously, it was so bad that Isane contemplated eating her own excrement. And she was the germaphobe of the group!

"I don't think I've ever eaten anything so bad…" Ichigo groaned, clutching his stomach in pain.

"I have," Yumichika said, "back in primary school."

"No one cares anymore," Tatsuki said, taking a half-hearted swing at him. "If I never hear the word 'Mystery Meat' again…"

"I don't know what you guys are complaining about," Rangiku said with a mouth full of whatever they were eating, "this stuff is _way_ better than what I had when I was your age."

"Oh yeah," Rukia said, "Cause of that prostitution thing before Ukitake-taichou found you."

"Sure, let's go with that…."

"Rangiku," Ichigo asked, "Are you still drunk?"

"_Totally, *hic*,_" she hiccupped, "that nice Kyoraku-sensei slipped me some whisky in my drink. You'd be surprised how much better it makes trough water taste! *hic*"

"So _that's_ what I've been drinking," Kiyone realized.

"Guys," Isane asked, "is there a bathroom anywhere? Because I don't think I can keep down what I ate."

Everyone immediately moved one seat over in their seats.

"There's one over there," Yumichika pointed out.

"Thanks!" she said, and hurried off as fast as she could. Unfortunately, she wasn't fast enough, and-

"Blargh!"

"So close…"

"At least she did it in front of the right one," said Kiyone as she stared pityingly at her sister.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Be careful kids, this is the exact same stuff they serve you at school! _

_Anyways, next this is the one with all the pain. I promise._


	28. AT chapter 4

_OK, in this chapter, the will be the explosions that have been strangely absent from the series so far. I mean, what's a cop movie without explosions? But then this isn't a movie, its prose, so does that still apply? _

_Ahh, my brain hurts. Just read the chapter…_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Chapter four; That thing has insurance, right?

Once they were all recovered from their disaster of a lunch, they were told to report to the firing range. Why they were wanted there, I don't know. I mean, if I were in their position, I wouldn't want the people who had a higher record of weapons fired on a case to be anywhere within 100 miles of a gun. Especially the ones that had a higher tendency to get drunk. Anyways, they were there, and Soi-fon was there instructing them.

And by "instructing", I mean yelling orders at them and hoping against hope that they were half smart enough to follow them. Which is to say nothing about the questions they were all asking in addition.

"Let's try this _one more time_," Soi-fon sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "You, D-cups, try to hit that target over there with the gun."

"Actually, I'm a triple G," Matsumoto corrected.

"I don't care if you're a J to the 25th power," Soi-fon said with tried patience, "just fire the damn gun." Matsumoto shrugged and emptied the clip, then they brought the target back to see how well she did.

There was only one hole on the _entire_ sheet of paper.

"Wow Rangiku," Rukia marveled, "that was amazing!"

"Yeah," Tatsuki agreed, "that's even better then me. How'd you do that?"

"I don't know," the ginger-haired officer shrugged, "I just did. *hic*"

"Wait a second," Soi-fon said, putting her hands up, "she was _drunk_ when she did that?"

"She's drunk when she's _breathing_," Renji said. "We've got this theory that if she ever becomes completely sober, she'll die."

Soi-fon just stood there, slack-jawed.

For a _really_ long while.

"You think she's alright?" asked Rukia worriedly.

"Isane, you're a doctor," Ikkaku said, "go see if she's OK."

Isane looked the superior officer over, then she waved her hand in front of her face and snapped a few times.

"It is my professional medical opinion," she said eventually, "that Matsumoto just broke Soi-fon Taichou."

"Is that even possible?" Ichigo wondered.

"More importantly, is there any way to fix her?" Kiyone asked.

"I'm not sure," Isane said uncertainly, "I'm not even sure what's wrong with her to begin with."

"Maybe she has an 'on' switch somewhere," suggested Yumichika, who was checking every inch of Soi-fon for said 'on' switch.

"Maybe if we shot her in the foot or something…" Renji chimed in.

"Sounds good to me," said Matsumoto, aiming her gun at the comatose Soi-fon's foot.

Click.

"Huh, out of bullets…"

"OK, this is clearly getting us nowhere," Ichigo admonished. "Why don't we just go tell someone-"

"NO!" the all shouted at once.

"Are you _crazy?_" accused Kiyone. "they'd kick us out if they found out we broke one of their trainers!"

"Besides, we can _totally_ fix this," Tatsuki said. "And if there's one thing I know in the world, it's fixing problems!"

And so Arisawa Tatsuki took on the great task of fixing their assigned instructor. It was an arduous task, one the would require every last once of her skill and cunning.

"OK," she said, "I'm gonna need a two-by-four, some chewing gum, a bucket, one of Yumichika's eye feathers, a motorcycle handbrake, a plastic baggie, a chair leg, a CD case, and some of Urahara's Firecracker Pocky."

"What the hell do you need all that stuff for?" Ichigo asked incredulously.

"Look, do you want Soi-fon Taichou fixed or not?" she asked with an exasperated sigh.

"Fine," Ichigo threw his hands up in the air, "whatever…" and went to find the stuff Tatsuki needed. He was soon followed by the rest of the Force.

They were able to find some of the item immediately, since they were fairly commonplace. Others, (like the chewing gum, CD case, and Firecracker Pocky), were much harder to locate and required a bit of digging.

Fortunately, and _completely_ by accident, they found the local Black Market. And after a little bit of haggling, they soon had all the item Tatsuki said she needed.

"Thanks guys. Now stand back, Mama needs to work!"

After another two hours, Tatsuki was done.

"There," she said, stepping back to admire her work, "it's finished!"

"Um," what exactly is it?" asked Rukia.

"No fricking idea," Tatsuki replied.

"So if you don't know what it does, how do we know if it'll help fix Soi-fon Taichou or not?" Ikkaku asked, scratching his head.

"Oh, this thing doesn't have anything to do with Soi-fon Taichou," Tatsuki said, "I just think better when I'm doing something with my hands."

Now we can't confirm anything, but everyone there _swears_ they heard Yumichika's cricket at the exact moment.

"Tatsuki!" everyone shouted once they regained their senses.

"What? I do!" she protested. "But don't worry, I actually did think of a plan. Renji," she pointed to the still comatose instructor, "could you get me Soi-fon Taichou's gun please?"

"Sure," Renji shrugged, reaching for the holster on Soi-fon's hip, "but what does her gun have to do with-Urk!"

Suddenly, Renji was sprawled on the ground, a very, _VERY_ pissed off looking Soi-fon locking his arm behind his head.

"_Never," _she whispered dangerously, _"ever. Touch. My. Gun."._

"I got it, I got it," Renji cried, tears starting to roll down his cheeks, "Uncle! Uncle!"

"Good," she said, finally letting him up. "Now, let's continue…"

The rest of the KPD actually did pretty well with the shooting. No nearly as good as Matsumoto did, but still well enough that Soi-fon grudgingly had to pass them.

Next, they moved on to driving….

"Alright," Soi-fon said, "now each of you are going to show me how well you can drive." She walked over to the passenger side of a police car and opened the door. "Get in," she told the officers coldly.

"All at once?" Isane asked.

"Of course not all at once!" Soi-fon bellowed. She pinched the bridge of her nose, "You, Peacock, get over here."

"Me?" Yumichika asked, pointing to himself.

"Do you see any other Peacocks around here?" Renji said, giving friend a solid kick in the rear. "Get over there!"

Scowling at his comrade for kicking him in his well toned posterior, Yumichika made his way over to the police car and got in the driver's side.

He then turned the key in the ignition….

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"How the hell do you blow up a car without in even being in gear?" Tatsuki hollered at the primmest member of the KPD back at the KPD HQ.

"How should _I_ know?" Yumichika hollered back. "I've never ever driven one of those things before!"

"OK, hold the phone a minute here," Renji said, "you mean to tell me that in all the time you've been a part of this outfit you've never even _once_ driven one of our police cars?"

"Ikkaku usually drove," Yumichika protested, "I always just rode shotgun."

"That would explain why he never leaves the station unless he gets a mission," Rukia mused.

"And why he always get someone else to pick up his stuff," added Kiyone.

"And why he always drags someone else with him whenever he goes to the salon or spa," Ikkaku said.

"Doesn't he always take you?" Tatsuki wondered.

"Hey, you're right, he _does_…"

"Do you even _have_ a driver's license?" asked Ichigo.

"Sure I do," he said, "I got it when I was sixteen."

"And how old are you now?"

Yumichika's cricket chirped. And this time, everyone _definitely_ heard it.

"Twenty-eight?" he said apprehensively.

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"At least Soi-fon Taichou got out OK," Rukia said, trying to bring the conversation around to a happy note. "The doctor said she should be off crutches in less than a week!"

"Then I guess we'd better start writing our last will and testaments out now," Kiyone sighed, grabbing a pen and paper. "Anyone here feel like a military issue combat shotgun?"

"Kiyone, I don't think we have to go _that_ far just yet," said Isane, somewhat puzzled at her sister's behavior.

"I don't see what any of you guys are so upset about," Ikkaku said, "she's probably gonna go after Yumichika first. After all, he _was_ the one who blew up the car in the first place."

Showing his full appreciation at his friends' effort to try and cheer him up, he smack his bald friend upside his snare drum- I mean head! (Yeah, head…) And stomped off to find some exfoliating cream.

"What'd I do?"

"Oh gee," Kiyone said, "maybe just made your best friend fell even more like crud than he already does?"

"You should probably go apologize to him," Isane suggested. Ikkaku sighed.

"Fine, I'll go apologize." Then he headed into the bathroom and shut the door behind him, "_After_ I have a good night's rest!" Rukia looked perplexed.

"But we didn't even have dinner yet…"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_I bet you've been wondering why Ikkaku always sleeps in the bathroom, right?_

_Well, so have I._

_Please review favorably. _


	29. AT chapter 5

_Well, since that last bout of training didn't go so well, now we're going to try again and see if we get different results._

_Yeah, don't hold your breath. _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Chapter five; Training Redux

"LISTEN UP YOU LAZY BUMS, YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR KIESTERS OUT OF BED RIGHT NOW AND GET TO WORK! COME ON PEOPLE, MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!"

"Ugh," Tatsuki groaned as she turned over in the office chair and slamming the snooze button, "we _really_ need to get a new alarm clock…"

"But I got that one on sale!" protested Renji.

"Yeah," said Kiyone, "and now I think I know why."

"Could you turn down that alarm clock?" Matsumoto asked. "I think I have a hangover."

"No," Tatsuki said, even though the other woman might have legitimately had a hangover, "you don't have a hangover; it's just a loud alarm."

"Oh…"

So as you can see, it's just another typical morning for the Karakura Police Department. Seriously, this is what their mornings are like. And if you'll look to your left there….

You'll see that Rukia has fallen asleep on Ichigo's shoulder.

"Awe," Isane cooed, "they look _so_ cute like that!"

"I suppose so," Yumichika yawned, "though Ichigo could've chose a better stop to fall asleep in than on top of his desk."

"You think we should wake them up?" Renji wondered. "They look so peaceful…"

"Why not? It's not like we've cared about that sort of thing before," Rangiku said.

"Wait, remember the McPherson Treaty of '89?" Kiyone reminded everyone.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Matsumoto; "Hey guys, Yumi-kun and Baldy-kun fell asleep together!" _

_Kiyone; "Seriously?" _

_Isane; "What do you think we should do?" _

_Ichigo; "We should probably wake them up or something." _

_Tatsuki; "I couldn't agree with you more, Strawberry…" *Tatsuki pulls out an air horn and sets it off right next to Yumichika and Ikkaku's ears. They flail around for a bit before falling of the desk they fell asleep on in a heap on the floor* _

_Ikkaku; "WHAT THE HELL!"_

_Yumichika; "Is there any _particular_ reason why you did that?"_

_Renji; "We were bored…"_

_Ikkaku; "OK, THAT'S IT!" *grabs a wooden sword off the wall* NOW YOU'RE ALL GONNA GET IT!" *proceeds to beat the crap out of whoever is closest. Soon everyone is rolling around the office in the throes of battle. Hanatarou chooses this moment to return from getting the mail*_

_Hanatarou; "Hey guys, I got the-" *is swept up in the brouhaha* _

_*when everything eventually quiets down, most of the Force is lying injured on the floor, including Hanatarou*_

_Hanatarou; "My coccyx…"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that…," Renji realized.

"Besides, they'll probably just think its 'romantic' waking up together or something," Tatsuki pointed out. "It's no fun if the victims don't act like they've been victimized."

"OK, but that still leaves us the problem of what to do now that we're awake," mused Renji. "What else is there to do?"

Just then they heard a flushing sound. Then the bathroom door opened and Ikkaku came staggering out, still rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Oi, Renji, you totally need to get a new alarm clock. I can barely hear that old one anymore."

In his cage on Yumichika's desk, Yumichika's cricket chirped. (I know! He's _actually _on Yumichika's desk for once!)

This also had the completely unexpected effect of rousing Rukia and Ichigo from their slumber.

"Mmm, hey Rukia," Ichigo mumbled, "G'morning."

"Good morning Ichigo," Rukia mumbled back, stretching herself out.

"Hey lovebirds," Tatsuki teased, "have a good night's sleep?"

Ichigo and Rukia looked at each other, blushed furiously, and hastily leapt to their feet, looking very sheepish.

"Heh heh, we fell asleep on each other," Ichigo pointed out the obvious, rubbing the back of his head in the afore mentioned sheepish manner.

"It appears that way," Rukia concurred in kind.

"ATTENTION ALL RECRUITS!" a voice boomed over the facility's loudspeakers, "DO TO SOI-FON TAICHOU'S RECENT INJURIES, THERE WILL BE A SUBSTITUTE INSTRUCTOR FILLING IN FOR HER FOR THE TIME BEING.

"ALSO, BREAKFAST WILL BE SERVED IN FIFTEEN MINUTES. THAT IS ALL." And the speakers went dead.

"We might as well head down there now," Renji shrugged, "no point in waiting around in that line for hours again."

"But isn't the food here terrible?" Kiyone asked. Her sister shivered at the memory.

Just then the loudspeakers sprang to life again.

"OH, I ALMOST FORGOT," the speaker said, "DUE TO THE ENORMOUSE INFLUX OF COMPLAINTS THE OTHER DAY, WE HAVE SINCE REPLACED ALL THE CRAP THAT WAS SERVED YESTERDAY FOR _ACTUAL_ FOOD. WE HAVE ALSO FIRED THE IDIOT WHO ORDERED ALL THAT STUFF IN THE FIRST PLACE. THANK YOU."

"You were saying?" Tatsuki asked the flabbergasted toe-headed cop.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

After breakfast (which was _infinitely_ better then the slop they ate yesterday) everyone was instructed to report outside the mess hall to await further instructions from their substitute instructor.

Apparently they didn't have to wait long, because soon a car pulled up right in front of all the cadets (in a perfect hockey stop, too). The front door opened, and out stepped….

"What the hell is Urahara doing here?" Tatsuki whispered to Rukia.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Rukia said. "Maybe they called the wrong number?"

"Hello, everyone!" Urahara said brightly. "My name is Urahara Kisuke, and I'll be subbing for Soi-fon Taichou until she gets better.

"Also helping me will be my girlfriend, Yoruichi."

It was then that the other door on the car opened and the woman in question stepped out. She was a very attractive woman; beautiful dark skin, ebony hair that had a purplish sheen to it, and a very shapely figure. She was wearing a black leotard with a small, yellow sweater, and a long, teal colored scarf around her neck.

Oh, and she had cat-like eyes that had a hint of playfulness in them, too.

"S'up," she said, giving all the recruits a cordial wave of the hand.

"Anyways," Urahara said, picking up where he left off, "she'll be running a hand-to-hand combat workshop over in that abandoned building over there," he pointed to a structure behind the KPD building, "and I'll pretty much be taking care of everything else. So if anyone has any questions…?"

Nine hands immediately shot up.

Wanna guess who they were?

"Yes?" Kisuke said, motioning to Rukia.

"Um, no offense, but why are you here? Don't you have a couple of stores to manage back in Karakura?" Urahara smiled.

"I'm glad you asked, Miss Kuchiki. Let me explain; I have a friend who has a friend who has a brother who has a second cousin who has a roommate who has a friend that knew this guy who knew this other guy who had a female acquaintance who frequented this café that was owned by someone who had a sister whose friend's brother works for someone who knew someone who worked here, so when Soi-fon Taichou had her _terrible_ accident they called me up and I gladly told them I'd fill in until she was fully healed!" He thought for a moment, "Oh yeah, and Yoruichi knew Soi-fon from way back when. Does that make things any clearer?"

"Um," she said hesitantly, "you kind of lost me after 'I'm glad you asked'…"

"Actually," Yumichika stepped forward, "I think a better question would be 'who's watching the stores while you're here'?"

"Oh, some of my other employees are taking care of that."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile, at Urahara Shoten #1….

_Jinta; "…And 'Homerun King' Jinta swings, and it's a Grand Slam! The crowd goes wild! *aaahhh! aaahhh!*"_

_Ururu; "Jinta, you really should be watching the store, not pretending to play baseball out back." _

_Jinta; "Aw, can it Ururu, I can do whatever I want, cause I'm the manager!" _

_Ururu; "But what if someone robs the store while we're out here?"_

_Jinta; "Will you quit worrying already? Nothing's gonna happen…"_

_*and at that very same instant, someone in a hooded cloak was making off with all money from the cash register*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Don't worry; they're the best I've got!"

Then another hand shot up, this time not belonging to the KPD.

"Yes, you with the white hair. What's your question?"

A young boy, who was even smaller than Rukia (If you can believe it!) separated himself from the line and walked right up to the man in the striped hat.

"You don't seem like the 'teacher' type," he said bluntly. "What are your credentials?"

"That," he said, "is a very good question. What's your name, little boy?"

"Hitsugaya Toshirou," the white haired youth said. "And I'm not 'little', I'm sixteen years old."

"Oh, well, forgive me _sir,_" Urahara said in a tone that was neither mocking nor revering, bowing as well. "I'll try and remember that in the future."

Hitsugaya eyed him coldly.

"You didn't answer my question; what are your credentials?"

"You know, I don't think I'm going to tell you," Urahara said definitively.

"And why is that?"

"Because shut up." Urahara turn back to the rest of the recruits, "That's all the time I have from questions, time for the training to resume. And remember; if you want to give Yoruichi's hand-to-hand combat workshop a try, it's in the building behind that one."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hmm, this workshop sounds interesting. I wonder how it'll get FUBARed next chapter?_


	30. At chapter 6

_OK, you didn't hear this from me, but I heard from a reliable source that there's going to be a big fight at Yoruichi's Hand-to-hand workshop tonight._

_But you didn't hear that from me…_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Chapter six; Dragon vs. Demon

The rest of the recruits dispersed, leaving only the members of Karakura Police Department behind.

"I'm gonna go try that workshop Hat-'n-clogs mentioned," said a very gleeful Tatsuki, "sounds like fun."

"Same here," said Ichigo. "It's been a while since I've been able to fight hand-to-hand, all we ever really do is sit around the station and bet on how much saké Matsumoto can drink before she passes out."

"That's not entirely true," Renji corrected him, "we also have a poll to see how long it'll take Yumichika to admit he's gay."

"I AM 100% STRAIGHT!" the man who wore feathers on his eyes explained. "_Honestly…."_

"Dammit! That's _another_ fifty bucks down the toilet," Kiyone moaned, handing over a wad of bills to a very pleased looking Matsumoto.

"Whatever, I could still use the exercise," Ichigo shrugged.

As the KPD made their way over to the workshop, Kiyone noticed something odd next to their headquarters…

"Did anyone take the trash out before all this happened?" she asked.

Everyone shook their heads no.

"I don't think anyone but you or I ever take the trash out," Isane told her sister.

"Dammit! I _knew_ we were forgetting something! Now we'll have to wait until we get back to do it…"

"What's the big deal about the trash, anyways? It just piles back up the next day," Matsumoto pointed out.

"Is this _really _that important right now?" Renji asked. "You could just do it later."

"Would you all kindly shut the hell up? I'm trying to psyche myself up for this workshop thing," Tatsuki said.

So they all walked the rest of the way in silence, not wanting to distract Tatsuki from her mental preparations. (Because they all knew the consequences of what would happen if they did.)

When they got to the workshop, they couldn't help but think that the whole setup looked kind of like an underground fight club. There was a caged ring in the middle, and people were standing around it shouting "Fight, fight!". In the middle of the ring two cadets were hashing it out tooth and claw.

"Did we just step into the Twilight Zone?" Rukia wondered.

"Who cares?" Tatsuki hollered. "This is awesome!" Tatsuki then took off to get into something better suited for fighting.

"She seems happy," commented Ikkaku.

"I know," Renji agreed, "it's scary."

"Well, she gets to beat people up with no consequences," Kiyone pointed out. "The only other time she's gotten to do that was when Hanatarou was still here."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Tatsuki; "Grr, I am in such a bad mood right now. The next person who talks is gonna know pain that shouldn't be physically possible!"_

_Everyone; *isn't there anymore*_

_Hanatarou; "Hey, where'd everybo- Urk!" _

_Tatsuki; "Time for pain, bitch!" *pummels Hanatarou*_

_Hanatarou; "*Cuckoo! Cuckoo!*"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I wonder why he left?"

Off to the side a valve vented steam.

…What? I can't be bringing Yumichika's cricket in _every time_ there's an awkward silence, that'd just be overkill!

That _and_ his lawyers said he needed a break for a while.

But that's not important right now. What is important is that whether or not Tatsuki's opponent walking out of the ring on two legs or three (i.e. crutches).

"They look pretty brutal," Isane said, referring to the two recruits still pounding on each other in the ring.

"I think that's the general idea behind fight clubs," Ichigo explained. "They wouldn't be much fun if there wasn't an element of danger in it."

"Man, Zaraki would probably love this," Ikkaku said, watching one of the fighters sweep kick the other one onto the ground.

"How would you know?" demanded Isane.

"Oh, we hang out every other week for coffee and a workout at the gym. Although sometimes we head over to the salon and get our hair done."

OK, even _I_ didn't see that coming…

"What?"

"And people say _I'm_ gay…" Yumichika said, eyes the size of Matsumoto's bosom.

"I'M NOT GAY!" Ikkaku cried indignantly.

"And…I'm out," Ichigo said, heading off to the men's locker room to get changed himself.

"Dude, it's really gay that you do that," Kiyone told Ikkaku in no uncertain terms.

"Michael Jackson would think that's gay," Matsumoto said, not looking away from the slapping match that had just broken out in the ring.

"I hate to agree with everyone about this," Rukia said apprehensively, "but they're right; it is _kinda_ gay."

"It is not gay!" Ikkaku persisted. "I'm sure a lot of guys do those things together."

"Yeah, gay ones!" someone in the crowd said.

"OK, how about this;" Pachinko ball said, ignoring the shouter, "if Tatsuki win her match then I'm wrong and I'll admit it's gay. If she looses, _(which is about as likely Nemu-chan smiling),_ I'm right, and you all have to do whatever I say for an _entire day_. Deal?" He held out his out his hand.

"Oh come on!" Renji shouted, (but not quite as loud as the other guy), "That has got to be the worst deal ever! No sane person would honestly-"

"Deal!" Kiyone said, grabbing her comrade's hand and shaking it firmly.

"Seriously," Renji muttered to himself, "why do I ever bother?"

After a few more minutes of waiting, (and after all the bitch slapping inside the ring had ended), the lady who could put Mohamed Ali to shame, Arisawa Tatsuki herself, stepped into the ring.

"OK, who's ready to get schooled by 'Fire Demon' Arisawa?" Tatsuki called, looking around fro her first victim- I MEAN OPPONENT! Yeah, that.

"He's right here," a shadowy figure said from the other side of the ring.

"Oh yeah? And just who are you? I want to know so I can tell it to the headstone maker what to put on the tombstone you'll be needing when I'm done with you…."

The figure stepped into the light, revealing himself to be none other then Hitsugaya Toshirou himself.

"'The Ice Dragon' Hitsugaya," Hitsugaya said, "at your service."

"Hey," Rukia asked, "isn't that the kid Soi-fon Taichou said was her best student?"

"He's kinda cute," said Rangiku.

"Forget it," Renji scoffed, "he's probably only half your age."

In hindsight, Renji probably should have thought that last line through before he said it out loud, because it got Matsumoto very angry.

And Matsumoto Rangiku wasn't nice when she was angry.

"How can someone be nice when they're angry?" you ask? Well, I think it's easier if I give you an example of what Matsumoto did one time when she got angry, then you decide. Ready?

Once, when a guy made her angry, she locked that guy in a room and pumped a song from some she-male pop star sung by Ichigo's dad into that room.

Yeah, we thought you'd say that.

Anyways, while Matsumoto was busy beating the crap out of her pineapple-headed cohort, Tatsuki was getting ready to begin her assault on the white-haired teacher's pet that was standing in front of her.

"You ready to beat down by a girl, Schoolboy?" the female Bruce Lee taunted.

"Only if _you're_ ready to get beat down by someone half your size _and_ weight!" the young prodigy taunted back.

"Nice try, kid," Tatsuki admonished, "but I work with those guys over there," She pointed to the rest of the KPD "so you're going to have to try harder to actually get under my skin."

"Hmm," Hitsugaya grunted thoughtfully, "shouldn't be to hard. You're a veritable open book of insult material, aren't you 'Butchy'?"

"Ooh, good one," Tatsuki fake praised, "but still not quite good enough."

Then Hitsugaya got an evil gleam in his eyes.

"Lesbian," he said simply.

"OH IT IS ON NOW!" Tatsuki exploded; abandoning all pretense of civility she was displaying and charging right at Hitsugaya, yelling many obscenities that shall not be reprinted here.

That is, until the front door was flung open!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Oooh, cliffhanger! I know, I'm so evil. _

_But don't worry; the next chapter is pretty much a direct continuation of this one, so don't miss it!_


	31. AT chapter 7

_OK, I've kept you in suspense for long enough, it's time to find out why the door suddenly burst open._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Chapter seven; It finally happened.

"Everybody run for the hills!" Kyoraku yelled frantically. "They're coming!"

"Who's coming?" Isane asked.

"Why, the zombie bunny rabbits of course," he said in a normal voice, looking at the cop doctor quizzically, "where have you been?"

"Wait, that can't be right," Rukia said, "my Bunny senses would have told me if something like that was happening."

"You have bunny senses?" asked a flabbergasted Renji.

"Hey!" Tatsuki shouted, "What's the big idea interrupting my fight?"

"I thought it would be a good idea to warn everybody about this," Kyoraku explained. "This place is the only one I haven't warned yet."

"Hey," Yoruichi said, swinging down from the rafters. She landed in front of Kyoraku, "what's the big idea interrupting a fight?"

"Like I said, the zombie bunnies are coming and we all need to run for the hills," he explained again with strained patience.

"Wait a second, why the hell would there even be zombie bunnies here to begin with?"

"Well…" Kyoraku said sheepishly, "I kind of possibly maybe accidentally forgot to throw some of that old mystery meat from yesterday out and left it in the open and left the door to my rabbit cage unlocked." He didn't need to explain further, the rest was history. "So that's why you all need to run for the hills, like, right now."

"They're right behind you, aren't they?"

Bang, bang, bang!

"Something like that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be running for the hills now," he said, taking a deep breath and barreled past everyone and everything until he was no more than a speck in the horizon.

"OK," Yoruichi said, eyeing everyone left in the room, "anyone got any ideas how to beat these things?"

"We have a bunch of really big ass weapons in our headquarters," suggested Kiyone, "maybe we could use those."

"Does anyone else have a problem with that?" Nobody did. "OK then, to the Karakura Police Department building!"

An over eager cadet, caught up in the heat of the moment, rushed past Yoruichi and ran out the door. What he saw was…

"One bunny? THAT'S IT? That's what everyone's afraid of?" The cadet walked over to the unremarkable white bunny, "Hey there little guy," he said, holding up what appeared to be some type of card like object, "you like Winged Kuribos?"

That was his last mistake.

"OH MY GOD HE'S EATING ME! SOMEBODY HELP! AAAHHH! I'M SORRY! I'M SO SORRY! HOW IS HE EVEN DOING-NOT THE FACE! I NEVER EVEN GOT TO MEET GEOGRE CLOONEY! OH MY FREAKING GOD WHY ISN'T ANYONE STOPING THIS? AAHH! THE EARS, OH GOD THE EARS!"

"Don't you think we should help him?" Rukia pleaded.

The rest of the crowd looked at her, then outside. There were now dozens of rabbits swarming over the unfortunate cadet like piranha. His pitiful screams could no longer be heard.

Rukia looked sheepish now, "Never mind…"

"Great, _now_ how are we going to get to the weapons?" Isane moaned. "Those rabbits are multiplying like, well…_rabbits!_"

"If Soi-fon Taichou were here, she'd probably know what to do," commented Yumichika.

"You have _bunny senses_?" Renji said. Again.

"I wonder how old Soi-fon is doing at the moment?" Yoruichi mused.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Soi-fon; *swinging crutches* "Back! Back I say, fowl demons! I may be crippled, but I can still kick your asses!" *bunny starts knawing on Soi-fon's cast* "Hey! Get off that you Looney Toons reject!"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Eh, she's tough; she'll be fine."

"Well?" Everyone looked at Tatsuki.

"Well what?" Ikkaku asked.

"Well, are we going to get the weapons or are we just gonna stand around waiting for them to come get us?"

"Is this a trick question?" Matsumoto asked.

"I was just waiting for you guys," Ichigo said. "I'm ready now."

"So what do you think the best way to get past these things is?" asked Rukia.

"Screw everything and just charge," Yoruichi said, grabbing a nearby broom and running out the door into the mob of undead hasenpfeffer.

"Well," shrugged Ichigo, "we might as well follow her." Then he took off after the feline woman, kicking undead bunnies that got in his way.

Soon the rest of the cadets were following their lead; kicking (and in some case, curb stomping) undead bunnies as they made their way to the KPD building. Some, however, were not as fortunate as others and were besieged and eaten alive before they even made it half way.

But for the purposes of this story, the members of the KPD and Yoruichi all made it safely there.

"Phwew!" said Kiyone, wiping her brow, "that was intense. I don't think I've killed so many undead bunnies before in my life!"

"Uh, Kiyone," Tatsuki pointed out, "you _haven't_ ever killed undead bunnies before in your life."

"Neither have I," Ikkaku said, "but you don't have to point _that_ out."

"I have," Matsumoto said. Though the hiccup that came after gave her confession little credibility.

OK, we lied. Matsumoto never really had any credibility to begin with.

"Does it _really_ matter who killed how many bunnies before now?" Renji said, having finally snapped out of his previous mental state. "Let's just get the guns and get rid of these things."

"Fine, let me just find my keys…" Kiyone said, patting herself down.

There were no keys.

"Kiyone…" Tatsuki said, letting out an exasperated sigh.

"I'm looking, OK?" she retorted. "I know I left them around here somewhere…"

"Does she always loose her keys?" Yoruichi asked.

"Not usually," Isane shook her head, "but she has the only key to the armory; without it we can't get in."

"Why do you only have one key?"

"Cause it's the armory," Kiyone explained, rifling through her desk, "it's for security reasons."

"Actually, maybe we should be thinking about getting a spare," Yumichika suggested.

"Huh? Why on earth would we need a spare?" Kiyone asked.

"Because you're looking in my hair for the one you lost."

Kiyone climbed down from Yumichika's shoulders.

"So?" she protested, "I'm trying to be thorough!"

"Have you tried looking on the key rack?" suggested Rukia. She always was the practical one.

"No, why?"

Yumichika's cricket chirped. (He's back, folks!)

"Guys, I don't think we're going to find that key any time soon," Renji said. "Maybe we should consider breaking the door down."

"I don't think that's going to work," Tatsuki said. "I installed that door myself; it's a six inch thick, titanium-carbon alloy door with a multi-phase, DNA encrypted-"

"Hey guys," Matsumoto called, "it's unlocked."

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"Well why didn't you say that in the first place!" Yumichika screamed, still miffed about Kiyone climbing on him.

"Cause it was more fun to watch you guys put on your little show there."

After everyone smacked the large-chested policewoman for not saving them a lot of arguing, the nine intrepid cops and one feline girlfriend of a store owner that everyone happened to know each picked out weapons to use against the horde of undead rabbits.

Renji picked out an assault rifle with a grenade attachment and a red, white, and blue bandana, which he tied around his head (à-la Springsteen).

Kiyone grabbed a flamethrower that was almost as big as she was. She finally managed to pick it up, but resorted to putting the fuel tank on wagon.

Yumichika grabbed a katana from the wall, saying it was, and I quote, "a much more beautiful and elegant weapon than any gun".

Ichigo went with an automatic shotgun with a bayonet attached to the barrel. You know, for spearing people (or undead bunnies as the case is).

Rukia took a pair of Uzi's that each had writing on them. "Short is beautiful" and "I heart Bunnies". (Yes, we see the irony too.)

Tatsuki got a kayak paddle with chainsaws taped to ends. (They got that one from some guy in a mall.)

Isane didn't take anything, insisting that do better patching up any scratches anyone got.

Ikkaku grabbed a minigun. That's right, a freaking minigun. Like, the kind they put in helicopters.

Yoruichi said she preferred fighting with her fists, so she didn't take anything either.

And of course, Matsumoto got a 9 mil pistol. Because, although she proved that she was very lethal with a gun when plastered, no one felt safe giving her anything more dangerous. (They want the zombie bunnies dead, not each other.)

"Everybody ready?" asked Yoruichi, who was the only one remotely crazy enough to actually lead a charge against zombies.

"Hell yeah!" every chorused, clearly crazier for following her in the first place.

"Alright then, let's show these mother[censor]ing zombie bunnies what real policemen are made of!"

"Yeah!" everyone shouted.

"Right after I use the little girl's room," Yoruichi said, hurrying off to go take care of nature's calling.

Which left everyone just standing there.

"Don't mess up my bedroom!" Ikkaku called after her. Why, because in addition to that being Ikkaku's bedroom, it was really the only usable bathroom in the entire building. All the others either set off a Geiger counter when you got close, or had new life forms living in them. Or both.

And while everyone else was giving Ikkaku questioning looks, Renji was staring at Rukia.

A lot.

It was kind unnerving.

"What?" she asked eventually.

"How do _bunny senses_ even work, anyways?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Renji, philosophers have been asking that question for _eons!_ I doubt an epiphany will come in the next five seconds, let alone twenty years. _


	32. AT chapter 8

_Well, I think these guys deserve a little break after all they've been through in the last 24 hours, don't you?_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Chapter eight; Halloween Redux

"Well," said Tatsuki, sitting on a big pile of bunny corpses, "that was fun."

"I know," Ikkaku agreed, "killing all those bunnies felt _great_! I haven't felt this alive in years!"

"But we didn't kill any of them," Isane said, "they all keeled over ten seconds after we finally made it out the door."

"Though maybe we _could_ have killed some of them if _someone_ didn't take forever to get out the freaking door!" Tatsuki growled, glaring at Yumichika.

"I was regluing my eyebrow feathers!" Yumichika protested. "I didn't want them to fall off when we were fighting."

"Oh yeah, cause that's _so_ important!" Kiyone said, sarcastically. "Why do you even wear those things anyways?"

"You wouldn't understand…"

"Personally, I don't think any of us want to," said Ichigo, who was chucking re-dead rabbits into a bonfire one of the other survivors had made in celebration.

"Actually, there a lot we don't know about Yumichika," said Rukia. "Why is that?"

"No clue; he won't ever tell us anything."

"He doesn't even tell me," Ikkaku said, carrying a crate of saké, "and I'm supposed to be his best friend!"

"I'm a very private person," Yumichika said, getting a little annoyed at the constant pestering, "if I don't want to talk about my past, than you should all respect that."

Everybody couldn't stop laughing.

"Hey, has anyone seen Yoruichi?" Isane asked.

"I think she left with Urahara a minute ago," said Tatsuki. "Hat 'n clogs said something about having the feeling that one of his stores was getting robbed."

"I thought she was cool," Kiyone sighed, "I don't see why Soi-fon Taichou doesn't like her."

"Yeah," Matsumoto nodded. "I talked with her for a little bit, and she's _awesome!_ She told me she could out drink an elephant!"

Rukia looked confused. "Can't _you_ do that?"

"No," Rangiku said, surprisingly. "And believe me, I've tried."

"When?" asked Renji, who had been strangely silent and contemplative since the zombie bunnies collapsed.

"Remember that elephant we confiscated from those two high school kids? Well, she kind of challenged me to a drinking contest when Rukia and I brought it in."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Matsumoto; *after her twenty-fifth shot* "C'mon, iz that th' best you got? *hic!* I dare you t' do be'er than that! *hic!*" _

_Betsy the Elephant; *trumpets, then grabs the keg and downs it in one gulp*_

_Matsumoto;*sweatdrops* "Best two outta three. *hic!*"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Seriously, that elephant was _good_! Hey!" She got a mischievous gleam in her eye, "We should have a drinking party right now!"

"Now?" Isane asked. "With all the dead bodies lying around?"

"Yeah. And somehow, I don't think you'll mind once you get a few drink in you."

"Seconded!" cheered Ikkaku, cracking open one of the bottles he was carrying.

Pretty soon, everyone was totally plastered.

"Hey, who here can guess how wasted I am?" Ichigo asked, barely restraining from cracking up.

"No clue," said Rukia, swaying a bit.

OK, _a lot_.

Ichigo was now snickering uncontrollably.

"_Really wasted!_" he cracked up. Rukia did to.

"I think…," Tatsuki said, pointing, "that that is the _funniest_ thing I've _ever_ heard!"

"Nuh uh!" Matsumoto said, shaking her head and most of her torso as well, "That's not _nearly _as funny as _this_!" She cleared her throat, "Beep beep ribby ribby!"

This cracked everybody up.

"You're right, that _is_ funny!" Yumichika said, his hair now a totally messed up fuzzy afro.

"Does anyone do any impressions?" Isane asked.

"I can do Ahnold!" Matsumoto said, raising her hand.

"Oooh!" Isane exclaimed in awe, her eyes fixed on her friend with rapt fascination.

"Eh, everyone can do Arnold," Renji said dismissively. "Do something impressive!"

"I can stand on my head!" announced Kiyone, attempting to stand on her head.

She never even got one leg off the ground.

"Boo!" they all hissed.

"Aww," Matsumoto sighed, "that's my best impression!"

"Why don't we go back inside?" Rukia suggested. "I'm getting kind of cold."

"Yeah! There's more booze in there!" exclaimed Ikkaku. So they headed into the police station.

Inside, they immediately went straight for the liquor cabinet and emptied it of its contents.

Then they emptied the contents of their contents.

Then they passed out.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Rukia?" a gentle British voice called. _"Rukia?" _

"Five more minutes, Nii-san," Rukia mumbled, unwilling to acknowledge consciousness.

"Wake up already you pint-sized excuse for a _Homo sapien!_" the voice said again, more harshly this time. Right in her ear.

"Ah! I'm up, I'm up!" she exclaimed, quickly rising from the floor.

That was a mistake, however, as the effects of her hangover chose _that_ particular moment to assert themselves.

"Ow," she moaned, "it fells like my head just got hit by an avalanche of sports cars…"

"Well, that's what you get for over indulging on spirits. You're not Matsumoto, you know." Rukia turned to the source of the voice, and saw Quincy the Mouse sitting in a high-backed armchair, in a reading jacket, reading a copy of the _New York Stock Exchange_.

"Quincy? What are you doing here again?" she asked. "Am I going to go through everyone's inner minds again?"

"Oh no," Quincy chuckled, "nothing quite so time-consuming." Then he got serious, "For Time is the very thing you do not have!"

"I'm confused," Rukia said, confused.

"_Fine_. Let me just, (as you young people say), 'cut to the chase'.

"You see, Rukia, there are many universes besides this one. Some are alike, and some are not alike in the slightest. There are so many of these alternate universes, in fact, that you puny little community college mind can't _nearly_ comprehend the true vastness of it. No offense."

"None taken," Rukia said, no quite sure where her mouse was going with this. The thumping in her head didn't help matters, either.

"Anyways, there is one universe besides this one you should be worried about," Quincy explained. "For from it will emerge a threat the likes of which this world has never seen.

"This is why I came to you tonight, Rukia!" Quincy declared, pointing straight at the diminutive policewoman. "To warn you so you and your friends could stop this dire threat before it reaches Earth!"

"So when will this threat get here?"

"Excuse me?" Quincy wasn't really expecting that particular question.

"Do you know how long it'll be until the threat you mentioned get here?" Rukia asked again.

"Didn't you hear what I just said, you ignorant simpleton?" Quincy roared, leaping up from his chair, "I said 'Time is what you don't have', so it could be any day!"

"Alright, alright," Rukia said defensively, "you didn't have to snap at me."

"A thousand pardons," Quincy apologized, "sometimes I forget that other's brains are infinitely smaller than my own."

"Um, apology accepted?" Rukia wasn't quite sure if he just insulted her or not.

"And as for _where_ it shall emerge from, look no further than your own office!' He thought for a moment, "Or at least the spatial anomaly in the south-southeast corner of your office."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Oh…"

"Yes, now be a dear and wake up so you can tell your friends about this," Quincy politely requested, "you'll probably need their help with this one."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia awoke a moment later, her head pounding like a timpani drum in an orchestra.

"Man, why did I drink so much?" she wondered to herself out loud.

_The next time they ask me to drink with them I'm just having water,_ she thought to herself.

She tried to get up off the floor, but she accidentally bumped hit head on the underside of on of the desks, making her pounding headache a million times worse.

"OW!" she cried, rubbing the stop where her head connected with the desk.

"Could you keep it down?" Renji asked. "My head like it got run over by a steamroller."

"Mine too," said Kiyone, "Only the steamroller had spikes on the big roller thing."

"Well, that's what you get for drinking," Isane scolded, her head buried in a mound of paper.

"Oh don't worry," Matsumoto said, "you get use to it."

"Personally," Yumichika said, "I don't _ever_ want to get drunk again! Who knows what stuff I did while under the influence that would totally ruin my reputation?"

"What reputation?" Tatsuki asked.

"And I thought my _dad_ knew how to get drunk," Ichigo said. "Not that I ever thought you guys couldn't…"

"Hey guys, bathroom's free," declared Ikkaku, who had just come from there himself. "If anyone need to puke, now's the time."

"Shotgun!" Isane yelled, brushing past the bullet-headed cop and disappearing into the bathroom/Ikkaku's bedroom.

"Hey, is it just me, or does anyone else not remember what happened last night?" Ichigo asked.

"I can _kind of_ remember something," Rukia said uncertainly. "I remember…

"ATTENTION ALL RECRUITS!" the loudspeakers blared, _completely_ insensitive to the hangovers that the KPD all had. "BECAUSE URAHARA-SAN HAS GONE BACK TO HIS STORE, ALL CLASSES AND LESSONS ARE POSTPONED UNTIL WE CAN FIND SOMEONE TO REPLACE HIM. OR UNTIL SOI-FON TAICHOU GETS BETTER, WHICHEVER ONE COMES FIRST.

"ALSO, BREAKFAST IS IN FIFTEEN MINUTES. HAVE A NICE DAY!"

"OOWW!" everybody chorused holding their heads in pain.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

When the bumbling police finally made their way to the mess hall, everyone else had already eaten and left, leaving the room deathly empty. Pretty much the only ones there were the KPD and Kyoraku, who had gotten about a half a mile before collapsing from exhaustion and dragging his sorry carcass back.

"Good morning guys," he greeted them cheerfully, "how'd the zombie invasion go?"

"Kinda boring, actually," Kiyone shrugged. "It didn't even last a full day."

"Well, I suppose that's good news then. Otherwise, they might have to shut down the facility and I could lose my job! It was just a stroke of dumb luck that I got this one after my last boss fired me!"

"What did you do before this job?" Rukia asked.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Kyoraku's Boss; "I'm going to go get lunch now, so stay here and make sure nobody gets beat up."_

_Kyoraku; *salutes* "Sure thing!" _

_Counter Girl; "Konnichiwa, what will you have?" _

_Hanatarou; "Um, I think-"_

_Zaraki; "I'll have a #3, large fries, hold the pickles, and make sure that meat is fresh. In fact, make sure it was killed today." _

_Hanatarou; "Uh, excuse me; I believe I was here first." _

_Zaraki; *glares down at Hanatarou* "Yeah? Well, I'm bigger."_

_Hanatarou; "I didn't want to do this, but I'm a cop." *flashes badge* "See?"_

_Zaraki; "I see that, now let me show you something." *proceeds to beat the $&!% out of Hanatarou*_

_Hanatarou; *weakly* "Medic..."_

_Kyoraku; *turns to girl at counter* "You think he'll notice?"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Oh, just at some fast food place. Nothing too special."

"Psst!" Matsumoto whispered, "You got any more saké?"

"Let me check…" Kyoraku disappeared behind the counter. A minute later he popped back up, two bottles of vintage saké in his hands. "Will these do?"

"They're perfect!" Matsumoto said, grabbing both bottles from the man and popping the cork on one.

"Hey!" he protested. "Those are my best bottles! Give them back!"

"Over my dead, *hic!*, saturated body!" Breasts- I mean, Matsumoto, retorted, taking a large swig from the bottle.

"You better get used to it," Ichigo told the downtrodden cook, "she's the reason we're sober most of the time, actually."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Ooh, it that another potential story arc I see in the future? I guess you'll just have to wait and see…_


	33. AT chapter 9

_OK, I have no idea what's supposed to be happening at this point. From now on, I'm just winging it._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Chapter nine; Rukia Remembers (or not…)

Breakfast was eaten in silence, mostly because most of the cops still had hangover induced headaches. When they were finished, they decided to walk around the facility and see what else was there.

"Does anybody know where the hell we're going?" asked Renji after they wandered aimlessly for an hour without finding anything remotely interesting that they hadn't already seen before.

They all shook their heads 'No'.

"Well that's just _perfect,_ we _totally_ just wasted an hour of our lives doing absolutely _nothing._ Why don't they have a freaking map to this place?"

"Actually, they do," a passing cadet told them.

"…What?"

"Yeah, they give them to you at the front desk when you first get here."

"But we didn't get any when we got here," Isane explained.

"You didn't? _Oh_, Soi-fon Taichou must have brought you guys in. She's notorious for giving newbies a hard time." He pointed in a random direction, "The front office is that way, you can't miss it." And with that, the cadet left.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The front office actually was easy to find; there was giant, yellow arrow on top that said "This way to the front office".

You'd think someone would have noticed it sooner.

Regardless, they got a map and continued with their tour. Renji was currently holding the map.

"OK," he said, "where should we check out first?"

"I think we should head to the Recreation Center," Kiyone suggested, "I heard some guys say they just got a copy of _Portal_ in there!"

For some reason, this struck a chord in Rukia's mind.

"Well, _I_ think should go to the Lecture Hall," said Isane. "They're having a debate on _alternate_ treatments for common diseases."

This did too, but Rukia couldn't put her finger on it.

"I think we should go check out the taco bar," Ikkaku said, pointing at the little taco icon on the map. "No _universe_ should be complete without one!"

Nope, still nothing.

"Can we go back to the kitchen?" Matsumoto asked, holding up an empty bottle. "I need to get more _booze_."

OK, not this one. This was just Mastumoto being Matsumoto.

"Hey Rukia, you OK?" asked Ichigo, who noticed Rukia looking a bit, um…something.

"Yeah," she said, shaking her head, "I just feel like I should be remembering something important."

"Important how?" Yumichika wondered.

"Like, 'the earth could be in dire peril and if I don't remember in time it'll be too late' important."

"So no pressure then?"

"Does anyone feel like we're being watched?" Ikkaku asked suddenly.

"Why do you ask?" wondered Rukia, surprised that Ikkaku would ask such a random question.

"I don't know," he said, "but for some weird reason I feel like someone's out there…just watching me…."

Little did Ikkaku know that there actually _was_ someone following him around, watching him. This person was about a foot high, had brown wings, and preferred his fish raw.

In other words, a duck.

Ikkaku was being stalked by a _duck_.

Yeah, we don't know why that is, either….

"Maybe you should spend some time out of the station bathroom," Tatsuki suggested, "I think the fumes are getting to you."

"I'm not making this up!" Ikkaku protested, ears spewing steam.

"I think maybe you should let me have a look at you," suggested Isane. "I've been going to therapy for twenty years, I'm sure to have picked something up in all that time."

Everyone collectively sweatdropped.

Despite the new awkwardness that enveloped everyone, they continued walking around, looking for something interesting to do.

Five hours of pointless walking later, they were back at the station.

"Even _with_ the map, we got _absolutely nothing_ accomplished!" ranted a rather disappointed Renji.

"I'm _booored!_" Kiyone whined. "I wanna do something _fun_!"

"Why don't we play a card game or something?" Ichigo suggested. "We have cards, right?"

"I think so," said Yumichika, "I remember seeing a deck somewhere over there…" He pointed to the micro-climate in the south-southwest corner of the room.

OK, now Rukia _really_ felt like she needed to remember something.

"Squeak!" Quincy squeaked, pawing at the spot of his water bottle.

_Whatever it was,_ Rukia thought, _it can wait until after I take care of Quincy._

"I don't see anything!" Renji called, digging through all the junk that had accumulated near the KPD station's local anomaly. "You sure they're here?"

"Of course I'm sure," Yumichika pouted indignantly.

"Well, I don't see anything…"

"Why don't we just you these?" Matsumoto asked, holding up a deck of cards.

"Where did you get those?" Renji exclaimed.

"Oh I found them over there earlier," she said, shrugging. "Why? You need them?"

Ymichika's cricket chirped.

"Just give me the damn cards," Renji growled.

After a couple games of Gin Rummy, Go-Fish, Baccarat, Solitaire, and Cribbage, everyone decided to head over to the Mess Hall for dinner.

"Welcome back!" Kyoraku announced in a booming voice.

"You got any more booze?" Matsumoto asked shamelessly.

"Actually, no," he said, frustration creeping into his voice, "you pretty much took me for all I had over the last couple days." He huffed, "And I only got paid last week, too…"

"But then shouldn't you technically have money to buy _more_ alcohol?" Isane wondered.

"I would, if I didn't already buy that stuff," Kyoraku explained.

"So you spent all your pay as soon as you got it?" Isane was having a hard time following the cook's logic. "Don't you save any of it?"

"What's this 'save' that you speak of?"

Isane did the mother of all sweatdrops.

"Anyways, you're all probably here for food, aren't you?"

They all nodded.

"Well, you're in luck." He pulled out covered tray and set it in front of them with more flourish than might have been necessary, "I just whipped this up this morning after everyone left." He lifted the lid with an equal amount of flourish to reveal….

Ration bars.

"You make your own ration bars?" wondered Rukia.

"Pfft, hell no!" Kyoraku scoffed, "They're just what's left over from the Zombie Bunny fiasco the other day."

"Then what did we have for breakfast?" Renji asked.

"You guys had breakfast?" Kyoraku wondered, "Where was I?"

"You were there," Ichigo explained.

"Really? I don't remember that at _all_."

"Are you sure anything else didn't survive?" Yumichika asked, his stomach growling in a rather ugly way, "You know, something that resembles _actual_ food?"

"Well…," he said apprehensively, "I do have this cheeseburger that I was saving for later, but I-"

That was as far as he got. The following events were thus….

Yumichika pounced on the poor man, his stomach thinking for him. Then Isane tried to keep Peacock Head from injuring said poor man, and ended up getting sucked in. Kiyone tried to save her sister, and got sucked in as well. Matsumoto was still slightly drunk, so she just kind of tripped into the brawl. Tatsuki was finally glad something interesting was happening today, so she jumped in too. Renji tried to put his foot down, but when he did someone grabbed it and he was pulled in as well. And Ikkaku was ecstatic about the dog pile, so he grabbed a chair leg and leaped in with a shout of "Woohoo!".

Only Rukia and Ichigo didn't get sucked in to the fight ball.

"So…" Ichigo said.

"So…" Rukia eloquently replied.

"How's your ration bar?"

"It's OK. Yours?"

"It's fine."

"Cool."

"Cool."

Awkward silence.

"You think we should stop them?" Rukia asked, staring blankly at the cloud of dust that slowly made its way across the room.

"Are you volunteering?" Ichigo counter asked.

"Not really…."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_You know, I have this theory; if the members of the KPD _didn't_ fight, then the world would become overrun with rabid Twilight Fangirls. _

_So please, send me more ideas for them to fight about! Or else we'll all be trampled under the feet of prepubescent girls that have "Sparkly, gay vampire" fetishes!_


	34. Arctic Thunder final chapter

_Well, here it is folks; the final part of the Arctic Thunder saga! _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Chapter ten; Over already?

After what could be described as 'a rugby match gone wrong', the Karakura Police officers meandered back to their building.

Little did they know the last person on Earth who they expected to see was there waiting for them.

"Good evening, Maggots."

"S-Soi-fon Taichou?" everyone shouted, practically jumping out of their skins.

"Yes, it's me," she said, grabbing her crutches and pulling herself to her feet, "I came to tell you that you all can go back to Karakura now. Your training is done." She said this with an obviously pained look on her face.

It only got _more_ pained everyone sort of just stood there with their jaws swaying.

"Apparently," she continued, gritting her teeth a little, "the zombie bunnies caused more damage to this place than we first thought." She let out an exaggerated sigh, "_So_, the higher-ups relocated the budget so they could afford to fix up the facility."

"I wonder what budget got moved?" Kiyone stage whispered to Renji.

"It was the budget allocated for retraining, _baka_!" Soi-fon exploded. "So now we have to send the recruits back to their original posts until this place gets fixed up."

"Wahoo!" cheered Ikkaku. "I missed that old town!"

"It can't be that old. Wasn't it only founded, like, fifty yeas ago?" Ichigo pointed out.

"No," Kiyone countered, "it's got to be older than that."

"Anyways," Soi-fon sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose for the umpteenth time since she first met the KPD, "everything should be back to normal by tomorrow.

"Now if you'll excuse me," she said, pushing past the ecstatic police officers, "I'm going to go get this cast removed so I can get back to giving people a hard time properly." And with that she hobbled off.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Later that evening everyone was celebrating their eventual return to the city they loved with some celebratory saké that had conveniently appeared by the office micro-climate. Rukia, true to her word, drank only water. Matsumoto, true her form, didn't drink anything that didn't have a high level of alcoholic content. Everyone else was somewhere in the middle.

"You know," Kiyone said, swirling her glass around, "despite the fact that we were yanked from our comfortable, safe lives, ordered around mercilessly by an evil witch, poisoned, almost killed by undead rabbits, and made to endure the _unimaginable_ torture of not figuring out which bathroom to use, I think I'm going to miss this place."

"I know what you mean," agreed Renji, raising his own glass, "it kind of grows on you."

"I'm actually kind of sad we're leaving so soon," Tatsuki mused, "this was the best workout I've had in _months_!"

"I'm gonna miss Kyoraku-sensei," Matsumoto said, tears in her eyes. She took a swig of her bottle and continued, "He was just _so_ nice!"

"That's just because you got to drink all his booze," Renji pointed out.

"Yup," she said, nodding drunkenly.

"I'm actually glad we're going back now," Yumichika said. "Who knows _how _many packages arrived for me while I was gone."

"Well, I'm certainly _not_ going to miss Soi-fon Taichou," said Ikkaku. "Bitch _really_ needs to find a hobby. Or get laid; one or the other."

"Yeah," Isane yawned, "_totally_!"

"You OK, Sis?" Kiyone asked, noticing that her sister was slightly drowsier than she should be.

"Mmhmm," she nodded drowsily.

"Come to think of it," Renji said, also yawning, "maybe we should get some sleep tonight; we'll just be traveling all day tomorrow."

"Sounds good," Ikkaku mumbled as he trudged off to the bathroom.

"I think I'll turn in too," Tatsuki yawned. "How 'bout you, Rangiku?"

Matsumoto just snored in response.

That, and Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"Aw hell," Ichigo said, "why fight it?" A moment later he was out like a light.

"See you guys tomorrow…" Kiyone yawned, crumpling where she stood.

"A little beauty rest _does_ seem rather tempting right now," Yumichika said as he rested his head (taking care not to smudge his make up) on his desk.

Rukia tried valiantly to fight the arms of Morpheus, but his vice like grip was too strong and she soon joined her friends.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"IT'S MORNING! TIME TO GET UP YOU LAZY BUMS! SERIOUSLY, YOU THINK YOU GET PAID TO LIE AROUND ALL DAY AND TAKE NAPS? GET UP BEFORE YOU GET ALL YOUR ASSES FIRED!"

"Renji, we need to get a new alarm clock," Kiyone mumbled. _"Now."_

"No," he said adamantly, "not until this one stops working."

"If you say so…" Tatsuki shrugged, pounding the clock into smithereens with her bare fist.

Renji just gawked, his eye occasionally twitching spasmodically.

"Did someone fix the alarm clock?" Yumichika asked as he stretched awake.

"Yep," Tatsuki said, blowing smoke away from her hand, "no need to thank me."

"My clock!" exclaimed a flabbergasted Renji. "I paid _fifteen dollars_ for that thing!"

"You're really cheap," Ichigo said. "You know that, Pineapple Head?"

"You got a death wish, Strawberry?"

"Um," Rukia said, inching her way out of the room. (She really did want to get caught up in whatever fight was about to break out.) "I'm going to see if we got any mail…"

"We get mail?" Matsumoto hiccupped. Everyone rightly ignored that.

Rukia hastily left to get the mail, only to run back in seconds later, screaming and ducking behind Ikkaku.

"Gah! What the hell, Rukia?" the chrome domed police officer exclaimed, trying to separate Rukia from his legs.

She said something, but it was muffled by the fact that Rukia's face was pressed into the back of his legs.

"Come again?" Kiyone asked, bending down to try and head her better.

Rukia obliged, though still muffled.

"Well," Ichigo asked, "what did she say?"

"I'm not really sure," she said, scratching her head in confusion, "but it sounded like 'Scary Clown'."

Just then there was a knock on the door and the Scary Clown himself, Dr. Mayuri Kurotsuchi, PhD, entered the room.

"I see you're all recovering nicely from your time at retraining," he said, making his way into the impromptu nest the bumbling police officers had made the night before. "By the way, Ayasegawa, there's some mail for you out front."

"The hell are you doing here?" gasped Ikkaku.

"I thought you were still in Karakura," Ichigo said, somewhat unsure what to make of the strangely dressed doctor.

"What do you mean, 'still in Karakura'? I've always had my practice in this town. I never left."

"No, I mean what are you doing at the Academy," Ichigo clarified.

"What academy? I haven't set foot out of this town in over fourteen years!"

…

…

…

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"So then, that means…" Ichigo ran to the front door and burst outside, and to his great surprise he (and the entire rest of the building of that matter) was right back in the heart of Karakura town. The rest the force followed soon after.

Well, except for Rukia, who was still cowering in some dark, safe corner away from the evil, scary clown.

"But…we…how did…?" Kiyone stammered.

"We're back?" they all exclaimed, utterly flabbergasted.

"Yes," the clown said, "you are. I'm surprised none of you noticed it sooner."

"When the hell did this happen?"

"I'd say around some time last night," the pharmacist explained, "judging by your stunned looks of utter shock when I presented this information to you."

After a few more minutes of "stunned looks of utter shock" the members of the KPD that weren't cowering in the shadows came to the conclusion that they'd probably burn out their brains if they tried to figure out how an entire building could be moved from one location to another.

In short, they copped out.

Except for Rukia, who was still in that dark corner, rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

"Anyways," Dr. Kurotsuchi said, getting back to why he originally came here, "getting back to why I originally came here, I believe Mr. Ayasegawa ordered some eyebrow glue from me recently?" He reached into his ridiculously over sized sleeve and pulled out a small, brown paper package.

"Told you," Yumichika said in a snooty fashion, sticking his nose in the air and feeling around on his desk for a letter opener or something.

"I apologize before hand for anything that might be wrong with it," the pharmacist clown said, "I wasn't having one of my best days then…"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Kurotsuchi: * searching frantically through piles of useless crap* "Nemu! Where did I leave that electronic monkey wrench?"_

_Nemu: "Right next to the specimen samples, like you always do. _

_Kurotsuchi: "Oh, there it is! What about the schematics for my prototype tea tree oil zit cream/extra strength nuclear scubdown solution?" _

_Nemu: "Right on top on the Interociter, Sir." _

_*Mayuri reaches for the papers and accidentally knocks down a phial of blue liquid. It falls to the floor and explodes with an "Ahoogah!" and a cloud of lime green smoke*_

_Kurotsuchi: "I sure hope that wasn't important…"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Yeah, not one of my better days…

"Anyways, I just came by to give that to Ayasegawa. Have fun getting resettled!" And with that he left the building, his robes trailing behind him in an extravagant fashion.

"Does he _ever_ leave the house without his make up?" Renji wondered.

"I know what you mean," agreed Tatsuki. "He kind of reminds me of someone else I know."

"Nobody I know," Yumichika said, regluing his eyebrows.

"Oh yeah," Ichigo said sarcastically, "no one _at all!_"

"Is the scary clown gone?" Rukia asked, now taken to sucking her thumb.

Everyone collectively sweatdropped.

fin.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there you have folks. Well, it's been fun, but sadly all good things must come to an end…_

_No, I kid you, I'm still writing for this story, don't worry. Although, it may take a while to get them out. _


	35. Ikkaku goes shopping

_Hyello again! Today I thought I'd give you all a little something about Ikkaku this time. You know, since all I really do with him are jokes about his relationship with Yumichika and have him walk out of the bathroom. _

_Not much else…_

_Disclaimer: Alex McMullen contributed a great deal to this chapter. I just changed and added a few things so everything would fit the style of the rest of the story._

_WARNING: the following chapter contains copious amounts of Ikkaku Madarame. Women with heart conditions should not look directly at Ikkaku Madarame. (This also applies to women _without_ heart conditions.) He's very pretty. See? See how pretty he is? He's _very_ pretty. I'd like to run my fingers over his scalp, and I'm just text on a screen. Anyway, please enjoy your long overdue, new chapter…_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

It had been quite a while since the KPD's misadventure in retraining, (at least about two weeks), and everything had quieted down as much as it ever could for these guys.

"WHO STOLE MY BARRETTES?"

See what I mean?

And yes, that _is_ Yumichika yelling that.

"Why on earth do you even _have_ barrettes?" Kiyone asked, sweatdropping.

"Do we even need to say it?" Tatsuki sighed.

"For the last freaking time I'M NOT GAY!" Yumichika shouted, trying to tame his unbarretted hair.

"He's not?" Matsumoto gasped to no one's surprise.

"Why does no one ever believe me?"

…

Somewhere in the south end of the office, Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"I could let you borrow some of mine," Ikkaku suggested, eliciting many stunned stares at his person. "What?"

"Discounting how creepy that is," Renji said, "you don't even have any hair to use barrettes on. Second, do you realize how creepy that is? I mean Michael Jackson there I can understand-"

"Hey!" Yumichika shouted indignantly.

"-but you? You're one of the most not gay men I know! You live in the freaking bathroom for crying out loud!"

"His medical records never gave any indication of gayness," Isane explained, leafing through a folder that had magically appeared in her hands.

"You can tell that from medical records?" Kiyone wondered absently.

"Not to mention you've made out with, like, a billion girls in the last three months alone!" Rukia pointed out as she refilled Quincy's water supply.

"And he's been to every company football game that's ever been held here," Ichigo added.

"And he reached Fifth Prestige in CoD; Black Ops," Tatsuki said from her desk, trying to figure out why a monkey, a pulley, and a stereo subwoofer could ever get into a position like that… (Remember that writing on the ceiling all those chapters ago? Well, that's some of the only text that the censors won't murder me for.)

"Don't forget all the porn he keeps in the-"

"WE GET IT, RANGIKU!" Ikkaku shouted. "So…what were we talking about?"

"You know," Renji said, scratching his head quizzically, "I don't even remember anymore…"

"Well, while you're trying to remember, could someone go and get me some more barrettes?" Yumichika asked.

"I don't think I'll _ever_ get used to that…" Tatsuki said, in monotone.

"But seriously, could someone go get me some now ones?"

Everyone was silent.

"What?"

"Seriously, it'll never not be creepy…" Kiyone said, shivering slightly.

"Um, I could…pick some up when I go shopping later?" Rukia suggested.

"Just make sure they're the good kind," Yumichika reminded her. "I couldn't stand wearing anything sub-standard."

"I'll come too," Ikkaku said, "I need to do a few errands of my own to do."

Now everyone stared at Ikkaku.

This seemed to be happing a lot lately…

"What?"

"Since when do you run errands?" Renji asked, flabbergasted.

"Since always! And really, is it _really_ any harder to believe than the fact that Yumichika's not gay?"

"Hey!"

"What exactly do you need to do?" Isane wondered.

"You know," Ikkaku shrugged, "pick up the latest volumes of my favorite manga, replenish my snacks, get more Odor Eater, and pick a new pair of prescription glasses."

"Oh," she shrugged, "well then I suppose you do have a point about the SINCE WHEN THE HELL DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?"

OK, even _I_ didn't see that one coming.

"Ikkaku wears glasses?"

Not even Yumichika, Ikkaku's longest time friend.

"Ikkaku wears glasses?"

"Ikkaku wears glasses?"

"Ikkaku wears glasses?"

"Ikkaku wears glasses?"

"Ikkaku wears glasses?"

"Ikkaku wears glasses?"

Nor did anyone else apparently.

"Darth Vader's Luke's father?"

That one was Matsumoto. Ignore it.

"What is it with everyone today? It's like you guys haven't know me all these years!"

"I haven't," Rukia said, raising her hand in response to Ikkaku's exclamation. "I've only been here for about a year."

"And I've been away for a while," Ichigo reminded him, "so I have no idea what I've missed."

"So?" Ikkaku retorted. "That doesn't mean anything; I don't think I've changed one thing about myself since I first met you guys."

"And yet you still wear barrettes even though you're bald…" Renji sighed.

"You know what? Screw you guys, I'm going to the store!" And with that Ikkaku stormed past the rest of his fellow cops and slammed the door to the bathroom after him.

From Rukia's desk, Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

A moment later he re-emerged, stating "The front door's this way…" as he made his way out of the building for real this time.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I think maybe we should go apologize to Ikkaku or something," Rukia suggested about two hours later.

"You think so?" Kiyone said, cocking her head quizzically.

A physically painful silence followed. Everyone stared at each other like they were in a cheap, cheesy, cowboy exploitation movie _('Boss N[censor]' anyone? It's real. Don't believe? Then look it up! You know you've got the theme tune stuck in your head and it's totally on your Ipod and – Wait, what was I supposed to be doing again?)_

Yumichika's cricked was too tired to chirp and Quincy's exercise wheel had already squeaked so nothing happened for an even longer time. That was until...

"Shot not!" Kiyone cried, raising her hand in the air like a toddler in primary school.

"Shot not…" Isane whispered, only just loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Shot not!" Renji followed suit.

"Shot not," Tatsuki folded her arms and pretended to fall asleep.

"Stab!" Once again, Matsumoto. Ignore it.

That left only three others; Yumichika, Ichigo and Rukia. Ichigo stared down his opponents and as soon as Rukia's lips quivered he cut her off and yelled as loud as possible, "SHOT NOT!"

"Ah!" Renji cried, grasping his ears, "You don't have to yell! God, what are you, a three year old?"

"I'm sorry."

"Well sorry won't bring my hearing back will it?"

"But you heard her say sorry," Ichigo explained.

It took a moment for a brainwave to hit Pineapple head, but when it did, "You are so…Idiot!"

The final showdown was between Yumichika and Rukia. Rukia said the magic words and sat back, sighing in relief.

Yumichika however was in no such mood. He turned his nose up at them all and crossed his arms. "Well I'm not going. I look a mess and apologizing is just so...Gay..."

"Hmph. Of all people I doubt _you_ have any right to call anything gay-" Renji was knocked down by a surprisingly strong shot to the chops. He went down like a bag of oddly tattooed bricks. "Ow! That wasn't campy at all!"

Yumichika played with a look of hair and groaned. "Oh look what you've done! I have loose ends now!" He stormed off into the bathroom.

"That was…" Kiyone muttered. "Anyway, since that round didn't work...Shot not!"

"No, no, no!" Renji slammed his fist down on the floor. "We aren't doing that again! Now excluding Yumichika, Rukia was last so it's her job to apologize."

"What?" Rukia cried.

"Yeah! It was her idea anyway." Kiyone pointed out.

"No," Rukia fumed, "my idea was that _we _apologize!"

"Nope."

"Nah."

"Hell no!"

"No."

"Dammit! I'll go as well." Ichigo rose to his feet. "Besides, I feel guilty for interrupting you earlier."

Kiyone leaned towards her sister and whispered rather loudly, "Aren't they such a cute couple?"

The couple in question decided to ignore it like any good parent would and took off after baldy- I mean Ikkaku!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"So..." Ichigo murmured, just after setting foot inside the store, "where do you think he is?"

"Where who is?" someone asked from behind him.

"Our friend Ikkaku," Ichigo explained.

"That's me!" the person said, pointing his thumbs to his chest. (Not that Ichigo could see that, of course…)

"Huh?" Ichigo turned around to see the golf ball standing before him. Oh well, it saves several pages finding him... "What the- How'd you get there?" Then he noticed something else was amiss, "And where's Rukia gone?"

"Oh, she's over by the pet store. I think her bunny senses are tingling again." Ikkaku pointed to her, jumping for joy over a fluffy white bunny.

"No way, I am not going near another pet store in my life! I had a bad experience with a pet store once."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou: *clad full in black including a balaclava and cap gun* "Are you sure this is alright?"_

_Ichigo: *wearing the same outfit* _"_Of course it is! It will be funny. Now go on over to the counter and tell them to put all the money into the bag."_

_Hanatarou: _"_This one?"* Hanatarou raises a plain canvas shopping bag. Ichigo nods and pushes him towards the store. Hanatarou stumbles over, looking like he is about to pass out, but he manages to reach the counter and make his demands* "P-p-put all the money in bag. …Please?" *The cashier girl presses a button under the counter and an alarm goes off. All the animal cages open in unison* _

_Cashier girl: *giggles* _"_Oops, wrong button." *picks up pooper scooper and use it as a war fan* "Charge!"_

_*Ichigo and Hanatarou are buried in an avalanche of fur*_

_Ichigo: "Hey, Droopy, you OK?_

_Hanatarou: *dazed* "Ahhwaaoowooowouwowooow…"_

_Ichigo: "Yeah, back at you…" *collapses*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Worst. April Fool's day. Ever…" Ichigo shivered. "Anyways, we came here to say something to you."

"What?"

"We're sah-ah-ah..." Ichigo stumbled over the next word.

"Huh?"

"We're sah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah…" he said again.

"Sorry?" Ikkaku leaned forward.

"Yeah, that."

"And?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes, "You are absolutely, unequivocally, 100% not gay."

"Thank you," Ikkaku bowed. "Now come on, I need to get new glasses."

Along the way they picked up Rukia, dragging her away from the bunny and made their way to the optometrist. As they walked in a hot, young girl looked up from a magazine and glared at Ikkaku. She didn't say anything out loud, but her eyes said "Ew, disgusting!" louder than mere words could.

Baldy strolled past confidently and began trying out various pairs of display glasses, checking himself out in the mirror. After about thirty pairs he decided on one and glanced over at Rukia who suddenly collapsed...

From anemia, but that's another story.

"I'll take this pair," Ikkaku said to the counter girl, not bothering to take off the glasses.

"Sure thing, cutey," the girl said, suddenly forgetting her earlier repulsion at the chrome-domed cop. She leaned further over the counter and seductively whispered in Ikkaku's ear, "Take me now!"

"Thanks, but I'm only here for the glasses," Ikkaku said, apparently oblivious to the extremely heavy handed come on. He handed her a credit card, "Just charge it."

"Fine," she pouted, looking cutely disappointed as she swiped the card.

"Alright," he said as he took back the card, "see you later." Ikkaku waved her goodbye, oblivious to her secretly slipping a piece of paper into his pocket as he turned to leave.

All this time Ichigo was just standing there, dumbfounded. When he eventually came to his sense he scoured the display for the same type of glasses Ikkaku bought. When he found them he put them on and turned to the girl at the counter.

"Hey-" was all he got before the girl interrupted him.

"Get lost, dickhead," she said, not even bothering to look at him.

"But I-"

"DO I NEED TO CALL SECURITY?" She was glaring at him now.

_Very glaring._

"I'll go now…" Ichigo whispered, putting the glasses back on the display stand and tearing out of the store like a bat out of hell. (Or like Hanatarou out of…well, pretty much _anywhere_.)

"Dude, what's your secret?" he asked once he caught up to the bald babe magnet.

"What…secret?" Ikkaku stammered, somewhat taken aback by Ichigo's suddenness. That, and Ichigo was standing so close to Ikkaku's face that the distance could only be measured on the sub-atomic scale.

"The secret to getting hot chicks to like you, man!" When Ikkaku still looked perplexed, Ichigo explained further. "Back at the glasses place you did something to make that chick at the counter go from hating your guts to wanting you in her bed! How the hell did you do that?"

"I didn't do anything!" Chromey protested. "I just put on the glasses I was going to buy-"

"No good," Ichigo cut him off, "I already tried that, she just shot me down like it was nothing. What else did you do?"

"Nothing!" Ikkaku insisted. "Why do you want to know anyway? Aren't you and Rukia an item anyways?"

"Th-that's not important right now," Ichigo said, blushing furiously. "Just tell me what you secret is!"

"Look, Ichigo, I don't have a secret. Besides, I think you're just making the whole thing up."

"I'm…" Ichigo couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Besides, that girl in there wasn't all that hot to begin with."

All Ichigo could do at that was just stand open mouthed and stare.

Oh, and twitch his left eyebrow a little.

Just then, a hot brunette with mammories almost as big as Matsumoto's walked past the clueless chrome-domed cop (_Yay for alliteration!)_ and whispered "Do me" in his ear before walking away again.

As soon as she was gone three more women crowded around him. Then another two...

Then an additional five.

Then loads more.

"How the crap are you doing that!" Ichigo exclaimed, finally loosing what little cool he had left.

This also had the unintended side effect of causing all the hot babes to turn and stare directly at Ichigo.

And so, (Ichigo being the reasonably attractive young man that he is), they gave the natural response upon seeing him.

"Gross!"

"So hideous!"

"Icky!"

"You look like a dickhead!"

"Get lost!"

"Who let you out in public?"

After a while it started to get under Ichigo's skin, but at least they weren't saying anything really-

"Faggot!"

OK, that last one hit a nerve...or twelve.

"Hey!" he shouted indignantly. "I'm not the one looking for barrettes! And besides, if anyone looks like a dickhead it's him!" He pointed squarely at Ikkaku, who looked quite hurt.

"Ichigo, I thought we resolved that issue already. Besides," he continued, "I can't help it if women just naturally find you repulsive."

So…clueless… *headdesks*

"Oh yeah?" Ichigo snatched away the pair of glasses from Baldy's head and in an instant the 40 aroused women stared at the walking Pachinko ball, suddenly realizing what they were doing..

"Oh my god! I touched that thing?"

"For a bald guy, he sure looks effeminate."

"You look like a dickhead!"

"They let him out in public?"

"I feel so dirty now!"

"Ichigo!" Ikkaku roared. "I swear I am going to-"

"Kill them!" The chorus of 40 angry women shouted, their command reaching just about every other female in the store.

Ikkaku forgot his previous statement and instead decided to change the topic to, "RUN!"

After an epic chase scene that was hands down the greatest chase in all of earth's history, (which consisted of running, several car chases, running, explosions, more running, a Scooby-Doo like door sequence, and running. And did we mention the running?), Ichigo and Ikkaku barricaded themselves inside the KPD. They dragged themselves back into the main room where everyone was still sitting around in the exact same positions as before they left.

"Hey guys," Tatsuki said absently. Still not really displaying any particular interest in the two out of breath police officers, she asked "How did the shopping go?"

Ichigo slumped down against the wall and panted heavily, trying to get his breath back. "Ikkaku, I take it back; you're not gay..."

"Damn right I'm-"

"You're just ugly." Ichigo added quickly, completely killing whatever had been made at the same time.

"Oh for the love of crap!" Ikkaku dropped his shopping bag and stormed off into the bathroom...Again.

A moment later the sound of flushing water could be heard.

"Oh great, now someone has to apologize again." Renji groaned. Another round of "Shot not!" ensued until it got down to Ichigo.

"Ha! I'm not last, Rukia is!" After a brief pause he looked around. "Hang on, where did we lose her _this_ time?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Meanwhile inside the now closed stores, Rukia woke up in darkness. _

_"Hello? Ichigo? Ikkaku? __Anybody…?__"_

_Suddenly the lights came back on, blinding Rukia temporarily. When her eyes finally adjusted, she saw that she was surrounded by a bunch of tiny little things. Clad in full tribal war paint and holding spears and torches were about two hundred travel sized jars of-_

_"Mayonnaise?"_

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

_And there you have it; more contribution by the hilarious and talented Alex McMullen. As stated before, a lot of this is his work. I just tweaked a few things to keep the style consistent. _

_If you enjoyed his contributions and just plain want more, I highly recommend checking out his body of work. It's mostly Bleach stuff, but there are a few other fandoms he writes that are worth reading. Such as those set in the Hellsing universe. Seriously, read those, plus "101 ways to kill Edward Cullen" (especially if you despise Twilight with every fiber of your being and that of the person next to you)._

_Oh yeah, and Ikkaku apparently has a personality switch when he wears his glasses. Weird…_


	36. The Everyman returns!

_In celebration of the BLEACH Weekly Tabloid starting up again, (and because I don't have any other ideas at the moment), I'm bringing you another issue of the Karakura Inquirer! So put down your enchiladas, grab your Herrings and just enjoy the ride!_

_Kiba, if you're reading this, Welcome back!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

*disclaimer*; The Karakura Inquirer would like to remind you that Inoue Orihime's cooking is _**NOT**_edible. In fact, we're not even sure if it's naturally occurring in this dimension. (Or several others for that matter!)

Heyo! It's everyone's favorite reporter, Everyman! We're back! And boy, did we get _the dirt_ while we were away! Seriously, not even a million gallons of bleach will get rid of the dirt we've accumulated! (We're sensing there was suppose to be a joke in there somewhere!)

Anyways, let's dive right into it, shall we?

Everyman: Hey all, we're back!

Everyone: What the [censor]!

Tatsuki: *deadpans* Oh great, _you_ again…

Everyman: Yes we are!

Isane: NO MORE DUMPSTERS! *jumps under nearby desk*

Everyman: Well, that was weird! We have absolutely no idea why that happened!"

Renji: Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you hogtied her and stuffed her in a dumpster last time we saw you.

Isane: *from under desk* Five days…

Everyman: We didn't do that!

Ichigo: Yes you did; the Author wrote about it and put it on the internet.

Yumichika's cricket: *chirps*

Kiyone: Ichigo, that makes even less sense than everything this guy's ever said ever.

Matsumoto: *stumbles in* Oh look, Ahnold's back! *hands Everyman a beer* Have a beer!

Everyman: And a very Merry Christmas to you too, Airbags! *downs beer*

Rukia: But it's not even winter anymore.

Everyman: Irrelevant!

Suddenly we hear a flushing sound and Madarame Ikkaku emerges from the bathroom.

We think we found our first victim. Heh heh heh…

Everyman: We need to borrow Pachinko Ball for a few minutes! *grabs Ikkaku, who is still trying to zip his pants up*

Ikkaku: [censor] let the [censor] go of me you [censor] [censor]ing [censor] [censor] Yumichika [censor] [censor] Daniel Radcliff [censor] [censor] [censor] with cream cheese [censor] [censor] on a turkey sandwich!

Everyone: -_-' !

Everyman: Wow, you made everyone exclaim in an emoticon… THAT WAS AMAZING! Speaking of which, where's Yumichika?

Ikkaku: The [censor] you care?

Everyone: Would you believe because we're a naturally caring person?

Ikkaku: Who works for a tabloid?

Everyman: …point taken! But seriously, where is he?

Ikkaku: *sighs* He went a and got himself a head cold and now he won't come out of his house until he gets better.

Everyman: What the big deal about a head cold?

Ikkaku: Well, to put it in his words, "I couldn't possibly bear the shame of the world seeing me in such an inglorious and invalid state as I am".

Everyman: He actually said that?

Ikkaku: Hey, I've known the guy practically forever; of course that's what he said.

Everyman: Whatever! Anyways, *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device*, is there any truth to the rumor that you've broken up with Afro-kun and have taken to Zaraki Kenpachi?

Ikkaku: WHAT!

Everyman: Ah, that never gets old!

Ikkaku: OK, first of all, Yumi-chan and I were _never_ an item. Second, Zaraki and I only go to the same hair salon; that _hardly_ constitutes a relationship.

Everyman: I'd believe you if it weren't for the fact that you called him "Yumi-chan"!

Ikkaku: It's his nickname! _Everyone _around here calls him that!

Everyman: But not everyone has- Wait, did you just say you go to a hair salon?

Ikkaku: Yeah. So?

Everyman: You're bald!

After giving our stomach an up close and personal view of his shiny melon, we very quickly found ourselves in the kitchen, where everyone's favorite miniature cop with a mayonnaise fetish, Kuchiki Rukia, was sweeping the floor.

Everyman: Could you get behind our left ear while you're at it? We think we lost our third set of car keys in there somewhere!

Rukia: AAAHHH! What the hell do you always sneak up on people like that?

Everyman: Like what?

Rukia: ...Nevermind. So what do you want now?

Everyman: Why do people always assume that we want something? Is it that hard to believe that we're friendly people who just like to hang out for hanging out's sake?

Rukia: Who work for a tabloid?

Everyman: …good point! But anyways, *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device*, could you confirm the rumors that you're clinically insane and are still on the police force only because you give sexual favors to powerful government officials?

Rukia: WHAT!

Everyman: Hmm…We'll take that as a "maybe"…!

Rukia: I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT GIVE SEXUAL FAVORES TO POLITICANS!

Everyman: …_Still_ sounds like a maybe to us!

Rukia: Well it _isn't!_ And why do you always try to peg me as some sort of sexual deviant? The only guy I've ever had a relationship with is my brother-

Everyman: AH-HA! Incest!

Rukia: Wait, that didn't come right!

Everyman: Trying to cover it up, are you? Well, if you think that-

It was at this point Rukia made a very convincing argument with her broom to leave her alone, so we headed into the next room where we found the KPD's prodigal son, Kurosaki Ichigo!

We weren't able to get to him last time, so we're not going to pass up the chance today!

Everyman: I never pegged you as a "diamonds" man, Kurosaki; I always thought emeralds would go better with your hair.

Ichigo: GAH! Where the [censor] did you come from?

Everyman: From the kitchen, talking to your girlfriend!

Ichigo: She's not my- Oh, never mind! Let's just get this thing over with…

Everyman: Fine by me! *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device* So Ichigo, what can you tell us about your time being probed by aliens?

Ichigo: WHAT!

Everyman: I mean you must have been kidnapped and experimented on by aliens; that's the only logical explanation for your long absence from the KPD!

Ichigo: Aliens don't exist!

Everyman: You apparently don't watch Star Trek!

Ichigo: That's just a TV show.

Everyman: And just how would you know that, Mr. Grumpy Pants?

Ichigo: My family and I went to a filming.

Everyman: Which brings up another interesting question! Why the hell _do_ you have a diamond necklace anyway?

Ichigo: What the [censor] does that have to do with aliens?

Everyman: It doesn't! We're just curious!

Ichigo: Well, they're for Rukia of course.

Everyman: And yet she's _not_ your girlfriend…?

Ichigo: Yeah.

Everyman: You're an idiot!

We got the impression that our time with Ichigo was coming to an end, and after a hasty exit we found ourselves in the armory where Kotetsu Kiyone was glued to a small television screen.

Not literally of course, though she might as well have been with how close she was to it.

Everyman: You know, if you like that thing so much you might as well marry it.

Kiyone: AHCK! Where the [censor] did you come from?

Everyman: Oh, we've always been here! We've just never let you see us before!

Kiyone: Wait, didn't you say that the last time you we here?

Everyman: We have no idea what you're talking about!

Kiyone: I think you said that as well…

Everyman: Seriously, you're making less sense than _we_ do right now! But enough about that, *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device*, tell us about your fantasies you have about killing your sister in various brutal ways!

Kiyone: WHAT!

Everyman: OK, we'll say it again: tell us about-

Kiyone: I don't have any fantasies about killing my sister! Why would I? I love Isane-chan!

Everyman: That's the same thing Rukia said about her brother!

Kiyone: What…?

Everyman: Nothing! So what's your favorite method?

Kiyone: What- I…what?

Everyman: You know, for killing your sister!

Kiyone: Hey, I already told you I don't dream about killing my sister!

Everyman: We said "Fantasize"-

Kiyone: Whatever! Look, I may get frustrated when she gets scared of _every little thing_ and always gets her way because of it, but I've never wanted to seriously kill her. Hell, I've never wanted to kill _anyone_ really! Well, except for Yumichika's cricket that one time…

Everyman: _Reeeaaally?_

Kiyone: Yeah, the little bastard wouldn't stop chirping through my soaps…

Everyman: Interesting! That reminds us, what are you watching in here anyway?

Kiyone: *grabs TV protectively* None of your [censor]ing bee's wax!

Everyman: The Vampire Diaries…?

We sensed that Kiyone wanted some time alone with her stories, so we went of to go victimi- I MEAN INTERVIEW! Yeah, "interview" another member of the police force.

To our luck, we once again stumbled upon Matsumoto Rangiku. This time however, she was arguing with a toaster.

Wanna take a stab at who was winning?

Matsumoto: Look, I don't care that you've been to Mars, I just want my [censor] toast!

Toaster: *silence*

Matsumoto: Please?...

And this, folks, is what she's like _sober_.

Everyman: I'm no expert on toasters, but you might want to try plugging it in first!

Matsumoto: Huh? Oh, it's Arnold again!

Everyman: OK Bazookas, here's the thing-

Matsumoto: *shove a beer at Everyman* Drink up!

Everyman: -WE JUST CAN'T LOVE YOU ENOUGH, MAN! *downs beer*

After about three hours of drinking we went to see who we had left to "interview".

To our luck, ran into loose-canon cop Arisawa Tatsuki.

Tatsuki: [censor] watch where the [censor] you're going!

Everyman: We're sorry! We're just a tabloid journalist, passing by!

Tatsuki: What the [censor] does that mean?

Everyman: It means we have a few questions we'd like to ask-

Tatsuki: [censor] NO! No damn way I'm answering any more of your [censor]ing questions!

Everyman: OK then, but we're still going to ask them anyways!

Tatsuki: …

Everyman: *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device* What do you have to say about the time you punched three guys to death for j-walking?

Tatsuki: …

Everyman: Interesting! And how about the fact that you threatened the judge afterward to get the charges dropped?

Tatysuki: …

Everyman: What's your bra size?

Tatsuki: …

Everyman: Favorite movie?

Tatsuki: …

Everyman: Your shoe size?

Tatsuki: …

Everyman: Lesbian?

Tatsuki: TATSUKI RAGE!

And that was pretty much the end of this interview session with the KPD. So here we are, moping in a bar somewhere with the only person who hasn't told us to shove off, sod off, or [censor] off in our entire career!

Quincy the Mouse: *squeak!*

Everyman: *is totally drunk* …And I just can't get them to _love_ me, you know?

Quincy: *squeak!*

Everyman: I mean, I'm a good reporter! I'm the K.I.'s _cash cow_! So why do people always hate me? *downs shot of liquor*

Quincy: *squeak!*

Everyman: I don't know, I think that last beating just really got to me! *downs another shot*

Quincy: *squeak!*

Everyman: You know, I gotta say, you're the _only _one who understands me!

Rukia: *abruptly bursts in bar* Give me the [censor] back my mouse you [censor] [censor] in [censor] [censor] on your [censor] [censor] Yumichika [censor] and [censor] [censor] on Zaraki [censor] [censor] Daniel Radcliff [censor] [censor] sideways [censor] with mayonnaise [censor] [censor] [censor] on a turkey sandwich! *beats Everyman up almost beyond recognition*

Everyman: *whipers* Ow…!

Hanatarou: *in a pile of broken tables* Tell me about it…

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Is this end of everyone's favorite reporter, Everyman? _

_Hell if I know, I don't write this thing!_

_OK, maybe I _do_ write it, but that still doesn't mean I have all the answers!_

…_Don't answer that._

_Anyways, the next arc should be rather fun, and it should all you Ichi/Ruki lovers happy as well. It's going to be based off of a graphic novel series that got turned into a movie. _

_Here's a hint: both things rhyme with "Mott Milgrim"._


	37. Call to arms

Rukia: Hello everyone! I'm Rukia...

Matsumoto: And I'm *hic!* Matsumoto Rangiku! *hic!*

Rukia: *sweatdrops* ...right. Anyways, I'm afraid we have some rather sad news for you; due to a hard drive crash "The Layman" lost the next chapter of this story.

Matsumoto: *exagerated* So tragic!

Rukia: Yes it is. Thankfully, it wasn't fully completed yet so it shouldn't be too hard to get back up to speed.

Matsumoto: *shouts to author* You can do it, Everyman!

Rukia: I think you mean "Layman", Rangiku.

Everyman: Did someone mention m-

Rukia: [censor] NO! GO AWAY! *dropkicks Everyman, clears throat* Anyways, since he's rewriting the chapter, he'd love for suggestions on what you, (the readers) would like to see happen in this next arc. It begins with seven mysterious figures come through the micro-climate in the office-

Matsumoto: Who've all had sex with Rukia here!

Rukia: N-N-No I haven't! It's just someone who looks like me! Regardless, the entire KPD has to fight and defeat these strangers to keep themtaking advantage of me. Matsumoto, could you read the list of confirmed characters?

Matsumoto: *hic!*

Rukia: ...Nevermind, _I'll_ do it. So far we have Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, Noitrra, Staark, Adult Nel, and Lolli and Melony. If there are any other Bleach characters you'd like to see that haven't been used yet please state your suggestions (along with how they should be used in the context of this story) in a review or a PM. Also give the author any scenarios you'd like to see happen; feel free to make them include any of the preiviously used characters, plus the above mentioned Arrancar and your own suggestions.

Matsumoto: And read and review all of the Everyman's other stories as well!

Rukia: Rangiku! If you say it like that everyone will just think it's a shameless plug!

Matsumoto: It's not? *takes drink from magically appeared sake bottle*

Everyman: Seriously, I know I just heard my name mentioned!

Tatsuki: Arisawa Special Attack; Dragon Super Kick! *sends Everyman flying* I thought we got rid of you in the last chapter?

Everyman: *woozily* I'll be back...

Matsumoto: Ahnold!

Rukia: *sweatdrops and hangs head* Please review and send your suggestions?...


	38. Remember Mott Milgrim?

_Oh my feaking god I had the worst freaking luck with this chapter! First the original copy got lost in the hard drive crash, then the new one I was working on perished when the memory stick it was stored on broke. I just cannot catch a freaking break!_

_Let's hope this one is even a 32,768__th__ as funny as the others were. _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"And that's why you shouldn't wear sweaters while bowling," Matsumoto said resolutely, waging a stern finger at Rukia, who was currently seated across from the voluptuous policewoman.

"That's great and all Rangiku," she said, "but what does that have to do with what I originally asked you?"

"…You asked me a question?"

"Yeah, about whether I should ask Ichigo to officially be my boyfriend or not."

"…Seriously?"

"…"

"…"

"…Matsumoto, are you drunk?" Rukia asked.

"Yes," Matsumoto replied, taking a swig from a saké bottle that seemed to magically appear out of nowhere, "why do you ask?"

_Well, ask a stupid question…,_ Rukia thought sardonically.

"Hey guys!" Tatsuki called from the armory, "Do any of you know how to get bratwurst out of a shotgun barrel?"

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"Is that a trick question?" Matsumoto wondered.

"I think a better question is do we even want to know _why_ you need to know that," Renji said, resting his feet on his desk. He was also trying to balance a pencil on his nose, (for whatever that's worth).

"No," she said simply, "you don't."

And with that the matter was dropped.

Yep, just another normal day for the Karakura Police Department.

KA-BOOM!

Hang on a second…nope, still normal.

"What the [censor]!" everyone shouted.

A moment later Tatsuki ran out of the armory.

"What the hell just happened?" Then she noticed that everyone was staring in the same direction and followed their gaze. "Did the micro-climate just explode?" she asked, pointing at said micro-climate.

"I think the micro-climate just exploded," Kiyone explained, still visibly shaken.

"Yeah," Ichigo agreed, "now it looks like it's some kind of _portal_."

Then Rukia fainted.

This seems to be happening a lot lately, doesn't it?"

"Rukia?" cried Ichigo, horrified at the prospect that he might have accidentally killed his (possibly?) girlfriend. "Rukia, are you OK? Rukia!"

"Check her pulse, Ichi!" Kiyone suggested.

"Oh well," Yumichika sighed, "at least she'll leave a beautiful corpse." Then he added as an afterthought, "Though not quite as beautiful as _me_…"

"Isane!" Ichigo barked at the KPD's timid (and germophobic, let's not forget) physician, "Get over here!"

"Hai," the police doctor said as she rushed to the side of the now comatose Rukia, grabbing her medical satchel on the way.

"Man!" Kiyone moaned, "No one ever listens to me…"

"There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with her," Isane stated as she checked Rukia's pulse. (_Oh _the irony!)

"Then _un_faint her already!" Ichigo practically snarled.

He really wasn't taking this whole "he might have accidentally killed his (possibly?) girlfriend" thing well.

"I could do mouth-to-mouth!" Matsumoto suggested eagerly.

Renji seemed to like this option a lot.

"Matsumoto," Isane sweatdropped, "I don't think that's really the right cure for this."

"Aw!" she whined, "I never get to use my- Oof!"

Now I suppose you're all wondering why Matsumoto went "Oof!" just now, right? Well, a lot of things contributed to it, and those events can all be summed up as thus; since everyone's attention was focused on the comatose Rukia, no one noticed a figure fly out of the portal and slam smack dab into Matsumoto. This caused them to fall into Isane, which in turn made all three of them fall directly on top of Rukia.

This also had the unexpected (and frankly, rather bizarre) effect if reviving her.

"Gomen nasai!" the figure hastily apologized as she extracted herself from Matsumoto's back and dashed out the front door.

"…the heck was she?" Renji wondered a long moment of awkward silence.

"Hey Rukia," Tatsuki asked as she peeled the other two policewomen off the diminutive cop, "you OK?"

"*gasp*!" Rukia inhaled sharply.

"So I'll take that as a yes then?"

"I'm not really sure;" she said once her body took in the necessary amount of oxygen, "the last thing I remember was micro-climate exploding, and then…" A thought suddenly occurred to her, "Did I get horrendously drunk and have a threesome with Matsumoto and Isane?"

However, before the question could be answered (and possibly for the better), the portal began to flare up again. This time six shadowy figures stepped through. (OK, maybe "shadowy" isn't the best adjective to describe them, since their attire was mostly pure white save for the shadows the hoods they wore cast.)

Then one of them stepped forward (possibly the leader) and said "You all know what to do…" in a flat, emotionless voice and snapped his arm out. (Like Matsumoto does, only without the unfortunate victim on the other end.) Then the rest of the group sprung into action, leaping about the room for a minute or so before finding a window or something to jump out of. After they were all gone, the remaining figure (Remember? The possible leader?) walked to the front door and gently closed it behind him.

Keep in mind that throughout this whole episode, the KPD were just standing there, staring like slack jawed idiots.

"…the [censor] was that about?" Tatsuki said, the first one to regain their senses.

However, her question would forever remain unanswered, as the portal flared up _yet again_, and a lone figure stepped out.

And by "stepped", we mean "fell on his ass".

"GOD [censor]ING DAMMIT!" he shouted. "Every _fricken' time!_ They 'accidentally' forget to wake me up in time, then they leave a tripwire in front of the portal so they can have a damn good laugh when I make an ass of myself tripping over it. _BASTARDS!_" It was then that he noticed he had an audience. "Hey, have you guys seen a bunch of backstabbing _traitors_ come by here recently? Because when I find them I'm going to take their smug superiority and shove it right up…their…." His eyes suddenly fell on Rukia and he began grinning insanely.

"Hey Ichigo?" Rukia whispered.

"Yeah?" Ichigo replied.

"That guy's staring at me."

"I noticed."

"And he's smiling."

"It appears so."

"It's really creepy…."

"Hey, why are we whispering?"

"I don't really know…"

While the two lovebirds were whispering to each other, the mysterious figure touched a hidden button on the half mask he wore. (As in, it looked like he had the left half of someone's jaw on his face.) A small antenna popped up and static could be heard as a connection was made.

"_What do you want, Grimmjow?"_ the monotone voice from earlier said on the end.

"Oh, _nothing_. I just wanted to let you know that _I_ found Rukia and that _I'll_ be the one taking her back to Hueco Mundo _by myself_! So when all you stupid, self-righteous pricks get back and find Rukia tied to the bed with _me_ standing over her you can all just go right ahead and _KISS MY ASS!" _

_"Grimmjow, if you do anything stupid, then I'll-" _The rest of the threat was cut off as "Grimmjow" snapped the little antenna off and crushed it in his hand before facing the diminuitive policewoman again.

"I've finally found you Rukia!" he announced proudly.

"Um, do I…know you?" Rukia asked uncertainly.

The figure made an exaggerated gasp.

"'Do you know me?' Rukia, how could you say that? And after we've done together!"

"We…did stuff together?" Rukia wondered, know really knowing if she seriously wanted to know the answer.

"Sure, mostly-" [The following scene has been omitted due to it containing content involving leather moccasins, Firecracker Pocky, tuna salad, a water buffalo, a ball point hammer, mayonnaise, fly paper, muffins, and a vacuum hose that is _much_ to graphic to be reprinted here. And that isn't even the _bad_ stuff!] "-and you couldn't get the mayonnaise out of your hair for weeks!" When the figure finished his story the rest of the KPD were sprawled out on the floor, three in puddles of vomit and one with their spirit hovering over their body.

Matusmoto hiccupped.

"…What?" the figure asked as he stared at the traumatized cops.

"…What did you say your name was again?" Rukia asked, unable to really form any other coherent thoughts at the moment.

"My name!" The figure announced as the rest of the KPD slowly returned to consciousness, "Is Grimmjow Jeagerjaques; best fighter in the universe and the greatest lover you'll never have again!"

"'LOVER'!" everyone shouted in unison, now fully awake and unable to believe what they were hearing.

"Yeah that's right; me and the six others that came through earlier (no doubt) have all been sex partners with Rukia here at one time or another."

"NANI?" everyone shouted again.

Matsumoto hiccupped.

"You guys do that a lot, don't you?" (That was Grimmjow who said that by the way.)

"Only on Tuesdays," Tatsuki answered.

"…Whatever. So, which one of you pansies is going to fight me?"

At this point the sound of flushing water was heard and a moment later Ikkaku stepped out of the bathroom, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

"Hey guys, what'd I miss?" he asked, yawning.

"Oh, not much," Kiyone explained, "just that Rukia's had a bunch of sex partners that we didn't know about before."

"N-NO I DIDN'T!" Rukia calmly corrected her towheaded cohort.

"You know, Rukia, the fact that you're denying everything like that isn't really helping your case any," Yumichika pointed out.

"Come to think of it, she _has_ been disappearing suddenly at nights…" Matsumoto mused.

Mark this day in your calendars, folks; Matsumoto actually made an _intelligent observation_.

Unfortunately, it was about the wrong conclusion.

"That's because I go _home_ every night, Rangiku!" Rukia skillfully countermanded.

"Actually…" Isane began hesitantly, "you never really talk about your home life at all."

"That's because I spend most of my waking hours here, and-"

"STOP [censor]ING IGNORING ME!" Grimmjow suddenly exploded. He slammed his fist onto the nearest desk, smashing it into a million pieces. "Now, will one of [censor]tards fight me before I-!"

"You broke my desk," Tatsuki growled.

"I guess I did," Grimmjow said as he surveyed his handiwork. (Get it? Hands! …Sorry 'bout that, read on.) "It looked like it was hand carved mahogany too."

"IT WAS A GIFT FROM MY DEAD GRANDFATHER!"

"...So then I take you're mad at me?"

"YOU BET YOUR DAMN ASS!"

"Alrighty then!" Grimmjow took a stance, "Things are finally going according to plan!"

"Don't be so sure," Tatsuki replied cockily, "Tatsuki 'The Fire Demon' Arisawa has never been defeated since she first started fighting!"

_Why is Tatsuki talking about herself in the third person?_ Rukia wondered.

"Well prepare for that record to be broken! Because standing before you now is the end all, the _be_ all, El Ultimo Pantera del Hueco Mundo, GRIMMJOW JEAGERJAQUES! Now prepare to face the wrath of my-!"

Suddenly Grimmjow's stomach made a gurgling noise.

"Right after I hit the can!"

…

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"Hey!" Ikkaku yelled as Grimmjow headed right for the main floor restroom. "Stay the [censor] away from my bedroom!"

Much too otherwise occupied to bother to argue (or even wonder _why_ that was his bedroom in the first place) he quickly searched for another place to, um…relieve himself. He eventually found his way to the station's _alternate_ restroom.

He made the mistake of going in.

He rushed out almost as soon as he went in.

"OK, not a bathroom, _very_ not a bathroom!"

"You know," Isane said hesitantly, "you could have the runs. You should probably have that checked."

"_Or_," Kiyone suggested, "you could just use one of the stalls at the construction site down the…huh? Where'd he go?"

"I think he left the moment heard 'construction site'," Ichigo explained.

"Well at least _he_ listened to my suggestion!" Kiyone huffed.

Meanwhile, Grimmjow was tearing down the street as fast as he could to get to the port-a-potty to…drop payload. Fortunately one of the stalls was open and he wasted no time in making proper use of it.

Ten minutes later he was striding back into the KPD station with a smile on his face, adjusting his belt.

"Alright, I took care of business, now let's finish this!"

"Fine by me!" Tatsuki said, hopping up from her chair and taking a stance.

"_Round one!" _a voice said from out of nowhere. _"Fight!"_

"Where the hell is that coming from?" Renji wondered, looking around to find the source of the voice.

Tatsuki and Grimmjow charged towards each other, yelling battle cries. They blocked and parried many of each other's blows, neither really having an advantage over the other.

Three hours later they were both bent over panting.

"That…'Dragon Super Kick'…is really something…," Grimmjow said, wiping his brow.

"It's been…passed down…through the Arisawa line…for generations…," Tatsuki explained.

"Are you feeling as thirsty as I am?" the blue haired fighting sex maniac wondered.

"Fancy a drink before we continue this?" Tatsuki suggested.

"Don't mind if I do."

"Hang on, I made some Double Mocha Lattes earlier. Be right back…"

Throughout all this time the rest of the KPD had all found other things to do while Tatsuki and Grimmjow had their fight; Isane was reading one of her medical journals, Renji was trying to balance the pencil of his nose again, Kiyone was playing cribbage with Yumichika's cricket (the cricket was winning), Ichigo and Rukia were reading one of Renji's _Jump_ magazines, Matsumoto was trying to find the meaning of life in a water bottle, Yumichika was filing his nails, and Ikkaku had fallen asleep, drooling slightly on his desk.

"Zzz-huh! Wuh?" Ikkaku said as he suddenly snapped awake, still hazy with sleep. "I heard the fighting stop; what's going on?"

"Ari-kun and Jawbone-kun are taking a coffee break," Matsumoto explained, still engrossed in her water bottle.

"I really don't know why they had to fight _in here_," Yumichika said, having filed his nails so much that he almost drew blood, "I mean there's _plenty_ of room outside where they _won't_ ruin the Feng Shui of the whole building!" The current state of the KPD building closely resembled that of a garage sale at a manure plant.

After a tornado.

"It's gonna take _weeks_ to clean everything up!" Isane moaned as she surveyed the scene of destruction before her.

"I still can't believe _I'm_ the cause of all this," Rukia bemused glumly, "and I didn't even do anything!"

"I'm sure it'll be OK," Ichigo said, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I've known Tatsuki since kindergarten, and she's the best hand-to-hand fighter I've ever seen in my life; if anyone can beat this whackjob, it's her."

"Thanks Ichigo, I needed to hear that."

"Man, that was a _goo-ooo-oood_ latte!" Grimmjow announced as he and Tatsuki re-entered the room.

"I know, right? Those Keurrig machines can work _wonders_!"

_They bonded over coffee?_ everyone wondered.

_I wonder if I can lick my elbow?_ wondered Matsumoto, attempting to lick her elbow.

"You ready to finish this bitch up?" Grimmjow asked, smashing his mug against his forehead.

"Ladies first," replied Tatsuki, following suit. The both took their positions.

"_Final round!"_ the voice from before said, _"Are you ready? FIGHT!"_

"Seriously, where the _hell_ is that coming from?" Renji asked, now getting somewhat annoyed. "And whatever happened to 'Round 2'?"

The two combatants stood facing each other, and where about to attack again when-

*gurgle*

"[censor]dammit!" Grimmjow cursed, clutching his stomach in agony, "Not [censor]ing again!"

"Hah!" laughed Tatsuki, "It worked!"

"What did?" Rukia asked.

Hesitantly…

"I spiked the lattes with a crap ton of laxatives when I realized you had bladder control issues. After that it was just a matter of waiting until you got tired enough to want a drink." She beamed with pride.

"But wait," the bonehead suddenly interrupted, "if you spiked both lattes, then how come _you_ aren't rushing towards the nearest restroom?"

"One;" Tatsuki held up a finger, "you've seen the bathrooms here. Two; _you've seen the bathrooms here._ And three; _you_ try living with 23 brothers and sisters all vying for the only bathroom in the house _at the same time_ and then talk to me about holding it!" She drew back her leg in preparation for the finishing blow, "Say hi to your mother in Hell for me!"

"But my mother was Catho-"

"Tatsuki Special; Dragon Kick!" He foot caught fire as she brought it towards his chin. When it made contact Grimmjow burst into a bunch of coins which dropped onto the floor in a pile.

"_You win!"_ the voice said once more. _"Well done!"_

"OK, _please_ tell me you guys hear that?" Now Renji was starting to get unnerved at the disembodied voice.

"You know," Ikkaku began, "if no one else wants that change…."

"Go ahead," Rukia said dismissively, "I'm still trying to come to grips with all of this. Besides, my brother sends me a cheque every month anyways, so I don't need the money."

"Score!" Ikkaku shouted as he immediately jumped at whatever coinage he could lay his eyes on.

"Your brother sends ou cheques _on top_ of the pay you get from this?" Ichigo asked.

"Yes he does," Rukia answered, clearly not seeing anything odd about that statement. "Why?"

"No reason…"

"I just figured it out!" Matsumoto exclaimed suddenly, causing everyone to jump in their seats. (Or where they stood, depending.)

"Your water bottle finally give you the meaning of life?" guessed Kiyone.

"No, it's about the bonehead guy Tatsuki exploded."

"Then what did you figure out?"

"He was a bad guy, wasn't he?"

Everyone collectively toppled over. Matsumoto looked at all of them curiously.

"Was it something I said?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Phew! Man, this chapter gave me even more trouble than the HAL chapter, and that's saying something! I'm just glad I was actually able to finally finish it this time. _

_As usual, tell me what you want to see happen. (I already received an interesting one that involves Momo.) You already know who the other six villains will be for this arc, and I'm sure I've hinted at enough other Bleach characters to form up a sizable pool, plus all the ones I _haven't_ mentioned or used, so go wild with the suggestions. (just keep it PG-13, 'K?) If anyone needs me, I'll be hard at work on an Omake for a writer friend of mine who goes by the name of Alex McMullen. _


	39. An unassuming bar

_Heeere's chapter 38! Expect plenty of nonsense throughout! _

_I don't remember how long it's been since I last did Disclaimer, so here's one before I forget; __I don't own Bleach. That honor belongs to Kubo-sama and Viz Media.__ (Though I do have a copy of Seasons 1 and 2.) _

_And here's another interesting fact; there's this website called "I Write Like…" (iwl DOT me. Seriously, that's the URL.) that somehow compares your writing style to that some various professional authors. (Don't ask me how they do it.) I tried it with the last chapter of this story, and it told me I write like Douglas Adams. As in, the absolutely brilliant mastermind behind the "Hitchhickers Guide to the Galaxy" series. _

_Needless to say, I majorly geeked out. _

_But enough about me, on with the story!_

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

Two weeks had passed since the (rather weird) incident at the KPD and life resumed as normal.

"If you all don't get the _hell_ away from me in the next _four seconds,_" Tatsuki said, flames of extreme rage raging behind her, "I am going to take this keyboard and shove it in a place that will prevent your children from having children. _In 3084."_

One half second later Tatsuki was the only soul left in the entire building; even the freakish abominations against God that lived in the station's alternate bathroom thought -although really it was more like _felt_- that it was time to migrate off to the Promised Land and leave their former home to their descendants.

Valuing their lives the rest of the KPD cowered in front of their beloved building, praying to whatever gods they could think of that whatever demon that possessed their faithful comrade would soon be exorcized.

"This bites!" Ikkaku whined as he basked his head back against the wall. "I hate it whenever Tatsuki goes on her period-"

His complaint was abruptly cut off when a keyboard was sent hurling through the brick was, clocking poor chrome dome in the back of his head.

"You know we don't use the 'P' word when Tatsuki gets like this," chastised Isane, always the motherly one of the group.

"What," wondered Rukia, "pruny?"

"Polished?"

Ichigo.

"Pan Am?"

Kiyone.

"Porpoise?"

Renji.

"Pansy?"

Yumichika.

"Oyster?"

Matsumoto.

I mean _really,_ you all saw that one coming a mile away, didn't you?

Anyways, back to the story…

"'Period'," Isane admonished.

"Hey wait a second!" Ikkaku cried indignantly. "How come _she_ gets to say 'peri-'"

The rest of the computer followed.

"Why don't we go somewhere else and wait out Tatsuki's period?" Rukia suggested. "At least then we'll have something to so."

"All in favor?" Renji asked, followed by a unanimous round of 'aye's from the other members of the intrepid police force. "All right then, any place in particular you guys want to go?"

"I heard about this new bar that just opened up down the road," Kiyone said. "It's called The Snugly Duckling."

"I like it!" Matsumoto hiccupped.

"As much as I hate to agree with the drunk woman," Rukia said apprehensively, "_or_ give her more alcohol, I think this place sound nice too."

"I does sound a bit childish," Yumichika pointed out, "but any place with 'duckling' in the name can't possibly be anything bad, can it?"

"Then what are we waiting for?" Ichigo leapt to his feet and motioned for the others to follow him.

"OK," Ikkaku moaned, slowly picking himself up, "why am _I_ the only one that gets hurt when I say p-"

This time it was the 'fridge.

Leaving Pachinko ball to whimper in pain by himself, everyone else (sans Tatsuki, obviously,) piled into the beat up, ratty old Police van.

"Have we _ever_ cleaned this van up?" Ichigo wondered, trying to scrape some weird, slimy liquid off his posterior as he sat down.

"Isn't this the same pizza as last time?" Rukia asked as she poked said pizza with her police baton.

"This mold looks new," Kiyone said, pointing at some purple fuzz on the tan upholstery of the front seats.

"I…don't think that's mold, Kiyone," Renji said apprehensively as the fuzz snapped at Kiyone's fingers before buzzing away on dragonfly's wings. "Frankly I'm surprised this thing is still running."

"But we haven't even turned it on yet," Rukia pointed out.

"Hang on a sec…" Renji got out and lightly kicked one of the wheels, inexplicably causing the engine to turn over.

"Why didn't you just use the ignition?" Rukia asked once Renji climbed back in.

"Oh please, the ignition hasn't worked right since 1975!"

"Well, what does it do then?" In demonstration Renji put the key into the ignition and turned it. A whirring sound could be heard and a missile launcher popped out of the side, fired a missile at a house down the street, and retracted back into the van.

"…Who did you say owned this van before us?" Rukia wondered, slightly dreading the answer.

"Oh, we picked it up at a Chevy dealership; Tatsuki was the one that put the Missiles in it."

_It's sad that I'm not surprised by that answer,_ Rukia sighed inwardly.

"I'm _still_ surprised I don't puke at the site of this monstrosity," Yumichika sneered.

"Speaking of puke, I'm not feeling so hot right about now…" Isane said, looking a little green around the gills.

After a brisk walk they arrived at The Snuggly Duckling, only slightly winded.

"You sure this is the place?" Ichigo asked as he surveyed the establishment. It was a quaint little building, complete with a sign that had a cute little silhouette of a rubber ducky on it.

"Sure looks like it," Kiyone said, "at least from what I was told about it."

"I don't know…" Ichigo said apprehensively, "Something just doesn't seem quite right…"

"*hic*!" Matsumoto cleverly counter argued. "As long as there's booze in there the world could be ending and Betsy the Tap Dancing Elephant could be jump roping on my head in golf cleats for all I care!" And with that she stumbled through the front door.

"That reminds me, didn't Betsy join the circus after we confiscated her from those two boys?" Rukia wondered.

"Actually, I think she just went to the zoo," Yumichika explain. "She drank more than Matsumoto, (and that's _saying_ something), I doubt she was ever in a fit state to perform."

"At least she didn't barf as much as Matsumoto did when she was drunk either," Isane reminisced, the smallest hint of a smile creeping into the corner of her lip.

"Seriously, _none_ of you guys think something is off about this place?" Ichigo wondered, flabbergasted.

"It's got a duckling on the front," Rukia pointed out incredulously, "and everyone knows that duckies are only slightly less prefect than bunnies. How could anything _possibly_ be wrong about this place?" Proud of herself for winning the argument she stepped over the threshold…

Into the wickedest hive of scum and villainy ever seen since that Twilight book signing a while back.

But seriously, it was pretty much bikers and tough guys as far as the eye could see (and then even farther than that), and the women that were there looked even tougher than the men! Pretty much the only not tough looking thing in the entire place was a classic yellow Rubber Ducky attached to one of the handles on the beer tap.

"Still think its all sunshine and rainbows?" Ichigo asked as he came in behind her, just short of saying "I told you so!". The rest of the KPD follow soon after.

"I see Matsumoto's already made herself at home," Renji commented, staring at the buxom policewoman polishing of a large tankard. Cheers erupted from the bikers sitting around her, as well as shouts of "More!", "Again!", and "Another one!".

"Nee-chan." Kiyone said to her sister, who was currently trying to become as small as possible, "could you _please_ stop trying to hide up the back of my shirt? It's embarrassing and, frankly, kinda creepy."

"Are the big, scary men gone yet?"

Sorry Isane, no such luck.

"If it weren't for the unbearable stench I might actually comment on how surprisingly well some of these people can pull off leather," Yumichika muttered.

"I didn't know you pansies came here!"

Everyone save Matsumoto ("everyone" being Renji, Ichigo, Rukia, Yumichika, Isane, and Kiyone) turned to find Kenpachi Zaraki reclined back in a chair, bottle of Everclear™ in his hand and two beautiful women draped over his arms.

"And where's Ikkaku? I haven't seen him since he got that perm last week."

"He's probably still passed out in front of the station," Kiyone guessed.

"Too bad…" Zaraki grunted, "he'd probably love this place! It's got everything an overly violent guy could wish for; chicks with huge racks, beer out the wazoo…"

"Or chicks with huge racks that are already soused out the wazoo," Ichigo said, gesturing to Matsumoto. She was currently pouring saké into a shoe and then pouring that into her mouth.

"And the clientele just can't be beat!" Zaraki then turned and punched some random guy behind him. "Well, by anyone other than me and the proprietors."

"And just who are the proprietors?" Isane demanded. "Because I've got a few choice words for them! Why, just in the last five minutes I've counted _at least_ 37 health code violations in this area alone!" Just then another brigand crashed in front of the germophobic medic, bleeding quite a bit. "AH!" she shrieked. "42 violations!"

""I doubt you'll get very far with those complaints of yours," Zaraki shugged, "but they're right over there." He pointed to a small group by the mechanical bull. They were also the only one in the entire bar that were wearing white.

Now who do we know who has a preference for wearing white clothing?

"Those look suspiciously like the same guys who came through the por-"

"DON'T!" Ichigo hurriedly clapped his hand over Renji's mouth, "…say the 'P' word. Every time someone says that word, Rukia faints."

"But you're the only one who's said that," Yumichika pointed out.

"Oh yeah?" Ichigo replied smartly. "Well, um…your face!"

"Very witty, Ichigo," Renji said. (Though with Ichigo's hand over his mouth it sounded more like "Werry fwitty, Fifigoo.")

"So are those the guys or not?" Rukia wondered. She was personally hoping "not".

One of the guys in white was currently at the bar, finishing off what looked like her twenty-seven hundredth beer, and another looked like he was just sleeping. Still another unnaturally pale one with weird eye makeup was just standing around looking bored, and the last two were riding the mechanical bull together, constantly rubbing against each other and moaning suggestively.

Rukia was kind of hoping against hope here…

"Probably…" Ichigo said, sweatdropping.

He still hadn't let go of Renji's mouth, mind you.

"Should we…go and say hello?" Kiyone wondered. (Somewhat stupidly in all honesty.)

"Sis," Isane admonished, "they're the bad guys. You don't just walk up to the bad guys and say-"

"Greetings," the emo one said in a droll monotone, suddenly appearing in the front of the bumbling policemen. (And women.) He wore some sort of flowing white helmet that looked like half a bell with a slicked back horn on it. His face was unnaturally pale, and the weird tear-like eye makeup made his green eyes look unsettlingly creepy.

"Eep!" Isane gasped.

"My name is Ulquiorra Cifer," he said cordially, "I welcome you to the Snuggly Duckling." He looked to the rest of them, then zeroed in on Rukia. He gave a respectful bow, "My heartfelt apologies for having to deal with Grimmjow."

"Um," Rukia said hesitantly, "…thank you?"

"Hang on, hang on, hang on…," Ichigo held up his hands, "aren't you supposed to be the enemy here?" Then he did a double take, "And weren't there supposed to be six more of you guys?"

"You are referring to the absence of Nnoitra," Ulquiorra stated. "He is somewhere else at the moment, he did not say where, preparing something for after his fight."

_If Grimmjow was any of what these guys are like, _Rukia thought, _I should probably be scared at what he's planning._

"And I most readily assure you," Ulquiorra continued, "Grimmjow was the worst of us; none of us are nearly as bad as he was."

It was almost like he could read her mind!

Then he added as an afterthought, "Though Nnoitra probably comes in a close second."

Hear that? That's the sound of Hope getting on the midnight train to Anywhere Else but Here and shouting "Kiss my ass!" while making rude gestures.

"Though that doesn't in any way mean he was the strongest fighter."

…And that's the sound of you finding the note that said he left with your spouse and all your money.

"We're doomed, aren't we?" Isane despaired.

Matsumoto hiccupped.

By this point Renji became fed up with being in a choke hold by Ichigo, so he elbowed his orange headed comrade in the gut, thus causing Ichigo to double over in pain and allowing him an escape. Renji the turned to Ulquiorra, "So what's your deal, anyways? You the next one we have to fight?"

"No, that would be Noitra."

"Well then where is he? I want to hurry up and get this over with!"

"Did somebody say 'fight me'?"

Everyone turned to see an imposing figure burst through the front door. (Which, for some reason, swung open like those saloon doors you see in Westerns.)

_To be continued…_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"...OK," Ikkaku moaned, "It's been eleven hours; I think she's asleep now. Maybe it's finally safe for me to say per-"

"FLYING PILEDRIVER!" Tatsuki screamed, jumping off the roof of the building.

"GYAAAHHH!"

Down the street, Hanatarou was sobbing in front of the ruins of his fifth house.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Please, you didn't think I let this chapter go without making Hanatarou's life miserable in _some_ way, did you? _

_Stay tuned for the inevitable fight with Nnoitra! I wonder who will be his opponent? (Place ya' bets now, folks!)_


	40. A man walked into a bar

_You want to know what "I Write Like…" said the last chapter was like? H. P. Lovecraft. _

_I know, I was a bit shocked as well._

_Anyways, why don't we pick up where the last chapter left off, huh?_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"FLYING PILEDRIVER!"

"GYAAAHHH!"

Wait, sorry, wrong part…

_Here's _the _right_ part we left off on.

"Did somebody say 'fight me'?"

Everyone turned to see an imposing figure burst through the front door. (Which, for some reason, swung open like those saloon doors you see in Westerns.) He was easily over six and a half feet tall and had a rather wiry figure. His hair was black and came down to about his shoulders and he had something of a perma-grin on his face.

Also, he had a white eye patch over his left eye.

"Well? _Somebody _said they wanted to fight me; my 'Somebody said they wanted to fight me' senses were tingling. So fess up."

The place got so quiet that is Yumichika's cricket were there someone would have told him to keep it down because he would have been the only sound in the place.

"It was him!" Renji frantically pointed in a random direction.

"So _you're_ the one!" The lanky figure spun around and faced a droopy looking young man who had just walked in.

"Who, me?" Hanatarou wondered. After discovering his house had been destroyed (For the fifth time!) he just figured damn it all to hell and decided to drown his sorrows. "What did I do?"

"TIME FOR PAIN, BITCH!"

A moment later Haratarou was sailing into the stratosphere.

"Yamada Hanatarou is blasting off agaaaiiinnn!" he cried, disappearing in a small blink of light.

"How on earth did you guys even survive with him in charge?" Ichigo jerked his thumb at Renji.

"Now that that's over," Tall & Lanky said, "bring on the booze!" He plopped himself down next to the sleeping man and grabbed a bottle from behind the bar, uncorking it and gulping down half in one fluid motion. "Ah! That's _good_ brusky!"

"Are your preparations finished yet, Nnoitra?" Ulquiorra drolled.

"All set!" He gave a cheesy "thumbs up" sign, "though the harness was giving me some trouble for a while…"

"Then I assume you're ready for your fight?"

"That's what I just said, dumbass!" He took another swig and muttered "Maybe Grimmjow was right about you…"

"Then you might want turn around."

Nnoitra whipped around and saw the members of KPD standing in a group, wearily eyeing him. Matsumoto was still at the bar, trying to hide a bottle of Claret in her belt.

"Those idiots?" Then he spied Rukia. "But…," he realized, "if that's all I need to deal with to get Rukia into the harness…" He got up and strode over to them, leering all the way, "I'll make this quick."

"W-wait a second!" Rukia pleaded. "Can't we just talk this out? I'm sure this is all just a big misunderstand-"

Rukia got a sharp backhand to the face for her troubles.

"RUKIA!" Ichigo cried, rushing to her side.

"Shut up, bitch," Nnoitra grunted. "The only time you squeal is when Nnoitra Gilga _makes_ you!" He shook out his hand, "Now, which one of you sissies is going to-"

He received a punch to the face for his efforts.

"You may own this place," Zaraki said, winding up for another punch, "and therefore get to make the rules, but when you stoop so low as to hit women, well…that's just mean." He hefted Nnoitra up by the collar, "I don't like meanies. ZARAKI PUNCH!" Zaraki's punch landed right in Nnoitra's gut, causing him to drop to the floor coughing blood.

"_Finish him…"_ an ominous, growly voice said form out of nowhere.

Zaraki drew back his hand and plunged it into Nnoitra's chest, causing him to explode in a fountain of coins.

"Sorry about the mess," Zaraki said to Ulquiorra, "keep the change."

"Much appreciated," Ulquiorra nodded, bending down to pick up the coins.

"Why is he picking them up one by one?" Kiyone wondered.

"I have no idea…" her sister deadpanned, having just finished treating Rukia's face wound.

"Why doesn't he just sweep them up?" Yumichika puzzled.

"If you'd like to leave feel free to do so," Ulquiorra said, still engrossed in his task, "it'll take me a while to gather all this change, and I don't think any of them care at the moment." At the bar the green haired woman was still drinking, the man was still snoring, and the blond and black haired girls were still on the mechanical bull, doing…you know…

"Sounds like a good offer hope we never have to see you again thanks bye!" Renji said, herding everyone out as quickly as he could. A moment later he stomped back in, grabbed Matsumoto by the collar (In the middle of a swig, too!), and dragged her out, kicking and screaming.

"I vote we _don't'_ go back here again," Rukia said resolutely, nursing her cheek a little. "All in-"

"AYE!" Isane shouted immediately, raising her hand as high as it could go.

"…favor…. OK, I assume everyone else feels the same?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Matsumoto hollered, attempting to slap Renji, "You don't just do that to someone when they're in the middle of a drink! Didn't learn your *hic!* lesson when Ahnold did that to you?"

"That wasn't Arnold, Rangiku," Renji explained, easily dodging Matsumoto's feeble blows. "And how do you even know about that? You were drunk on the roof at the time!"

"I wonder whatever happened to him anyway?" Kiyone mused.

"Excuse me, but is one of you Kuchiki Rukia?" a woman's voice said from behind the bumbling cops, causing them to jump in surprise. She was a short woman, only a little taller than Rukia, and was dressed completely in black apart from a white balaclava that hid all of her face but her eyes.

"She is!" Matsumoto pointed at Rukia.

"Good; there is a lot you must know, and very little time to tell you. Is there any place we can talk more privately?"

"What's wrong this wide open street?" asked Kiyone.

"Why don't go back to the station?" Ichigo suggested. "That is, if you don't mind that fact that we've got a woman on her period staying there right now."

"You know, one of these days I'm going to develop a complex about this," Kiyone griped. "If I haven't already…"

The made their way back to the station, passing a beat up Ikkaku on the way in.

"And you're sure we'll be safe here?" the woman asked.

"Relatively," Yumichika huffed, "just don't try to use any of the bathrooms. By the way, I don't think we caught your name?"

"You may call me Hisana," the woman said, giving a short bow. "Hisana, um…Slartybartfast."

"You're name is Hisana Slartybartfast?" Renji said, disbelieving.

"Yes."

"You're serious?"

"Yes."

"…You're weird."

"So what's this big news you have to tell us?" Ichigo asked, thankfully changing the subject.

"It's about the Espada."

"The who?"

"Oh, are the playing around here?"

That was Matsumoto, like you hadn't figured that out by now.

"That's what the group who is after Rukia is called," Hisana Slartybartfast explained. "Back in our world she was pretty much in a relationship of some kind with each of them, one after the other practically. Eventually it just got to the point where she'd had enough of there weird preferences and ended it with all of them. I guess they must have got mad or something because they formed the Espada and dedicated themselves to seeking Rukia out and teaching her a lesson she'd never forget. After beating up whoever she happened to be with first."

Everyone turned and stared at Rukia.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"I NEVER DID ANY OF THAT!" Rukia exploded. "I though we went over this already!"

"Regardless, you are now the target of their efforts." Hisana patted Rukia on the shoulder, "I'm very sorry you got mixed up in all this."

"Cheer up Rukia!" Ichigo said, trying to cheer her up. "We've already beat two of them, and one of those times wasn't even us! At this rate life will be back to what constitutes as normal around here in no time!"

"Ichigo, I don't know why, but made me feel a lot better." Rukia went over to him and gave him an affectionate hug.

*SLAM!*

The sound over the door slamming open made everyone jump two feet in the air. When they landed they saw Tatsuki standing in the doorway, eyes burning with the rage of a thousand suns. A conveniently place potted plant spontaneously burst into flames next to her.

"_WHERE THE HELL ARE MY [censor]ING CHEETOS!"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Tatsuki's actually beginning to scare me, and I'm the dang writer!_

_Anyways, the next chapter is in the works as we speak. Or as you read this Author's Note, whichever floats your boat. (I'm also going to include what famous author I apparently write like at the beginning of each chapter now. I think it's fun, and it give all of you readers something else to look forward to.)_


	41. God made two of 'em

_Wow, 40 chapters! I honestly didn't think I'd have enough ideas to fill this much data! Some of that has also been thanks to you readers as well; I think a good third to half of everything I've written in this story has been do to ideas from you readers. Keep sending me good ideas, it keeps this story alive!_

_Anyways, the last chapter was brought to you by Chuck Palaniuk, the author of the book turned movie __Fight Club__. Apparently, the last chapter was written his the same style as his. _

_And now, on with the insanity!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The next morning the KPD (and Hisana Slartybartfast) reconvened at the breakfast table over burnt eggs, toast, and orange juice. When Tatsuki had stormed in the other day everyone wisely decided to hide until the female Bruce Lee became safe enough to approach without being disintegrated by her mere presence.

"Is there anything else about the Espada we should know?" Rukia asked the mysterious woman while throwing her burnt orange juice in the trash.

"Like any of their weaknesses?" Ikkaku suggested, having sufficiently recovered enough to move around on his own. He still had a little trouble saying word that started with "P" though.

"I'm afraid I don't know any of their weaknesses," Hisana said, hanging her head apologetically. "Unless you want to know their weaknesses in bed."

"…"

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

Matsumoto hiccupped.

A wolf howled in the distance.

A giant meteor crashed down upon the city!

Locusts!

A terrible flood!

It wasn't my fault I swear!

Wait, where was I again? Oh, that's right…

"Not that I know from personal experience or anything…," Hisana stuttered nervously, "we just have a lot of over the top tabloids in Las Noches."

"You're preaching to the choir here," Rukia said sardonically, thinking of a certain tabloid journalist that wouldn't leave them (and more specifically _her_) alone. He'd probably have a field with this, in fact.

"All I can tell you for certain is what's already common knowledge where I come from."

"Whatever it is, it's already more than we know now," Tatsuki shrugged.

"Well, the one called Grimmjow is violent, crass, and has severe bladder control issues."

"OK, maybe not _everything…._" Tatsuki sweatdropped. Hisana continued nonetheless.

"Nnoitra Gilga is probably one of their fiercest fighters and has a thing for bondage. I don't think anything less then a raging, bloodthirsty beast with an eye patch like him could take him down."

"Sounds about right," Renji said, thinking back on the beat down that Kenpachi Zaraki gave the tall and lanky Espada.

"Where was I for that one?" Tatsuki demanded.

"It was your time of the month yesterday," Isnae reminded her gently, "remember?"

"This next one you'll probably face in is Neliel tu Odelshvank."

"What's she like?" asked Ichigo. At that moment Matsumoto hiccupped loudly, tripping over a pebble that mysteriously appeared in front of her.

"The floor hurt me!" she wailed.

"…Kind of exactly like that," the mysterious woman sweatdropped.

"And it just called me a mean name!"

By this point antics like this were par for the course for the KPD, so none of them really paid it much mind.

"So what about the other four?" Kiyone wondered.

"Hmm…well, Coyote Starrk is kind of lazy, and would rather sleep all day than do anything productive. As for Loly and Menoly they're anything but lazy."

"We noticed…," Renji, Ichigo, Rukia, Kiyone, and Isane said flatly, all sweatdropping.

"Noticed what?" Tatsuki wondered.

…

Silence.

…

More silence,

…

Even more silence, louder this time.

…

Tatsuki has an immense hatred of lesbians do to her constants dealings with the prostitute Honso Chizuru, remember?

"_Nothing…_" Rukia said, sweating profusely.

Tatsuki eyed Rukia suspiciously.

"I'm watching you…," she intoned.

Rukia shrank behind Matsumoto. (She thought her friend's ample bosom would be effective in deflecting Tatsuki's attacks.)

"So how about their leader, Ulquiorra?" Ichigo queried, patting Rukia head comfortingly.

"Well…," Hisana shifted nervously in her seat, "I…don't really know that much about him."

Everyone collectively toppled over.

"That effing figures," Ikkaku huffed.

"It's not my fault!" Hisana held up her hands in defense. "For some reason he's always managed to keep his name out of the tabloid; no one in Las Noches knows anything about him except the Espada, and they don't talk about him much either."

"You think he could give me a few pointers?"

"Huh?" Miss Slartybartfast was back a bit by Rukia's question.

"On keeping my name out of the tabloids," she explained.

"I don't know…maybe?"

"That's a bit unglamorous, isn't it?" Yumichika asked. "Consorting with the enemy?"

"Hey, shouldn't we focus on trying to beat these guys instead of getting advice on evading the press?" Kiyone wondered.

"Well whatever you guys do, count me out of it," Matsumoto said, putting a lampshade on her head, "I'm odd to my Alcoholics United meeting."

"Don't you mean Alcoholics Anonymous?" Isane corrected.

"No," Matsumoto shook her head, "why would I want to go to someplace where I don't know anyone? Besides, there's no booze at those places."

"I kind of think that's the idea…," Isane said gloomily.

Just then a figure stumbled clumsily through the front door. She was about height and chest size as Matsumoto, with green hair, a line of purple face paint stretching across her face from ear to ear, and what looked like some sort of ram skull with half the teeth broken off sitting on her head.

She was also wearing a lampshade on her head.

For a while no one said anything. Then, after Matsumoto and her other sized each other up, a reaction occurred.

"Sister!" she both shouted, embracing each other.

"God made two of 'em…" Renji said as he smacked his head, flabbergasted.

"You know she's not really what I was expecting," Ichigo mused.

"What _were_ you expecting?" Rukia wondered.

"I…don't really know…."

"How did they get so much alcohol so fast?" Ikkaku wondered. "They don't hide it all on their per-…under their clothes, do they?"

"You'd be surprised at some of the things Neliel has hidden on her person." Hisana said this with a completely straight face.

"They've got a keg!" Ikkaku shrieked, pointing frantically at the beer keg the two bimbos were chugging out of. "That wasn't there three seconds ago!"

"And the sad thing is that isn't even the weirdest thing she's surprised us with…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing…"

Hisana was getting weirder all the time. (No wonder she fit in so well with these guys.)

Just then the front door opened and everyone's favorite freaky pharmacist burst through the front door with a grand flourish.

Rukia screamed and jumped into Ichigo's pocket.

"Greetings everyone," he said, bowing respectfully, "I've come with that special order of Yumichika's eyebrow glue." He turned back to the door, "Nemu! Get in here with that order you useless dullard!"

"Greetings," she said, appearing in the doorway holding a three inch glass phial. She held it up, "Here is the order, sir."

"Yes it is," he groaned, "thank you for pointing out the obvious." He grabbed the phial from his maid and moved to give it to Yumichika. "Seriously, it's a wonder I've put up you for as long as I- WAK!" At that moment the same pebble that tripped Matsumoto earlier appeared in front of Mayuri and tripped him, causing the phial to go flying. It sailed through the air in slow motion for a while before suddenly crashing apart against Neliel's ram mask thing. It explode in a cloud of lime green smoke and went "AHOOGAH!".

"Did it just go 'ahoogah' when it exploded?" Isane wondered.

"Yes, sis," Kiyone answered, "I think it did."

"I'm changing my supplier…" Yumichika sweatdropped.

"What the hell was in that stuff anyway?" Ichigo asked, looking around in his pocket and wondering how the hell a whole person could fit in there.

"I don't remember," Dr. Kurosutchi said plainly. "Though I do remember something about testing is effects when mixed with alcohol."

"And they were…?"

"That I wanted to test that at some time."

Yumichika's cricket chirped…again.

"It sure is taking a long time for the smoke to clear," Kiyone pointed out, "isn't it?"

The smoke from the explosion was indeed taking a long time to dissipate. In fact, other than a little billowing the cloud had stayed in pretty much the shape it had been in since it initially formed. Then, after five more second of awkward silence the cloud spontaneously disappeared.

In its place was a small girl, two and a half feet tall, with a strip of purple paint across her face and a circular mask on her head that looked mind of like a goat.

"Huh? Where am I…?"

Three things happened then. Firstly, Dr. Kurosutchi walked out of the building, muttering something about not making sure the PH balance in the uranium wasn't jiving with the mayonnaise well enough or something.

Second, the men in the room each had their own unique reaction; Ichigo leaped back in fright as Rukia suddenly jumped out of his pocket, Renji head-deasked, Ikkaku stood there like an idiot, forming incomplete sentences the whole time, and Yumichika began picking up the pieces of the phial, wondering what he had been putting in his eyebrows this whole time.

Third, all the women in the room (including Rukia now) went doe-eyed and knelt in front of the young girl and cooed over her like no tomorrow.

"She's so kawaii!~"

"I know!~"

"I just want eat her up!~"

"Didn't she use to be taller?~"

"Can she still drink?~"

Care to place the phrase with the speaker?

"I don't know why Dr. Kurosutchi left," Renji said, eying the (sort of) new Neliel curiously, "because I think this is the kind of thing he was hoping to find out."

"Kind of makes you wonder where the rest of her went…" Ichigo mused.

The New Young Nel was staring at everyone else staring at her. She focused in Matsumoto and immediately brightened up, pointing at the woman and announced "Big Boobies!" For a moment Matsumoto looked shocked that someone so young would…you know what? She wasn't really that shocked, she just gushed some more, pinched the little girl's cheeks, then thrust a bottle of Cognac into her hand, before gulping one down herself.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Isane cried, snatching the bottle out of Nel's hands, "We cross a lot of lines in this place, but underage drinking is where I put my foot down!" She stomped the floor for emphasis, and crushed a moldy grape that had been there for who knows how long. _"Ew…"_

"Isn't anyone even a little bit concerned with _how_ Nel got like this?" Ichigo asked, trying to bring some semblance of order back to the group.

Yes, we know it's a futile effort. Just let him try, OK?

"If we take what Kurosutchi said and extrapolate from it, we can most likely deduce that he accidentally created a reverse aging solution. Given that its effects were as of yet untested on alcohol and the subject (i.e. "Neliel") is now one step short of a toddler, the amount of alcohol consumed must be directly relative to the effectiveness of the reversal."

Everyone stared wide eyed at Ikkaku.

"…"

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

Matsumoto hiccupped.

A wolf howled in the distance.

Locusts, it wasn't my fault, blah blah blah…

"What?" he said quizzically.

"When the hell did you get so smart?" Tatsuki asked, disbelieving and incredulous.

"It's like I don't even know you anymore…" Yumichika said morosely.

Nel was staring blankly at nothing, drooling.

"Hey, did anyone notice where Hisana went?"

No one really noticed (or cared, to be honest) who asked that question, but when snapped out of their stupor and looked around they noticed that their mysterious companion had indeed vanished.

And reappeared a moment later as she walked through the front door, holding bags of groceries. "Hey guys, I'm back! I noticed you were low on food, so I took the liberty of getting some…" Her expression turned quizzical. "What's going on here?" Then she notice Nel, smaller than she used to be with a bunch of oversized clothes. "Oh no," she sighed, bringing her face to her palm, "not again…"

This floored everyone.

"WADAYAH MEAN, AGAIN!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And that's the second new border the KPD has acquired in as many days. The way things are going they should start charging rent and make a tidy little profit on top of their normal pay (And Byakuya's cheques). _

_Anyways, next time they- oop! That would be spoiling it if I told you now. I guess you'll just have to tune in next time to find out what happens!_


	42. You snooze, you loose

_The last chapter was brought to you by Arthur C. Clark, author of the book turned (painfully slow) movie 2001; A Space Odyssey. Seriously, I'm not kidding about that movie being slow; the first half hour has _absolutely no dialogue **WHATSOEVER**_. You're probably better off reading the book in that regard. _

_Anyways, enough jibber-jabber, on with the crack humor!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Two weeks passed and there weren't any other attempts by the Espada to pick fights or engage in drinking contests or whatever. Nel and Hisana Slartybartfast had integrated themselves into the lives of the KPD quite nicely.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BARRETTES!"

Déjà-vu, right?

"Nel doesn't know!" Nel said, numerous and sundry barrettes clipped on her hair and wherever else there was space.

"That's the fifth time in as many hours that she's done that!" Yumichika complained to Isane, who had taken charge of the former Espada. "Make her stop!"

"Nel, you know you're not supposed to take things without asking first," she told the giddy child sternly. She was really turning out to be the natural mother figure. "And Yumichika, really? Whining? I would have thought that was too unglamorous for you."

Yumichika didn't really have an argument for that.

"Oh yeah?" he countered feebly. "Well…SRCREW YOU!" He then went to pout in a corner.

"Language!" Isane remarked, horrified.

"Sis, I think you're taking this 'mother figure' thing too seriously," her sister rebuked.

"No back talk, missy!" Isane barked, completely ignoring her sister's rebuke. Kiyone scoffed indignantly.

"What's dis thing?" Nel asked, holding up a copy of Renji's _Jump_ magazine.

"That's mine!" Renji said, attempting to grab the stolen publication away from the rambunctious youngster.

He was failing miserably, so he decided to try a different tactic.

"Hey Nel, if you give that back to me I'll tell you where Ikkaku hides his copies of _Wild Hearts Quarterly_."

"Pachinko Ball likes dat girly manga?" the tiny Espada giggled.

"_IT WAS A PHASE!_" Ikkaku shouted angrily from the bathroom, "And don't call me 'Pachinko Ball'!" A moment later the sound of flushing water was heard.

Meanwhile Hisana was busy dusting the place, trying to reach one of the particularly high shelves.

"I'm afraid I have to agree with everyone else, Isane," she said, "just because you've taken charge of Nel doesn't mean you have to act _exactly_ like you think a mother would."

"Yeah," Nel agreed, "it's kinda weird."

*CRASH!*

A body crashed through the roof.

"Does this happen oftin?" Nel asked.

"Every now and then," Kiyone said, taking the whole thing in stride.

"Aw, I just vacuumed that spot!" Hisana whined.

"Is he dead?" Yumichika asked, coming out of his funk to investigate the new occurrence. "He doesn't leave a more beautiful corpse than me, does he?"

"He's not dead yet," Isane said as she examined him, "just sleeping."

As if in conformation the man let out a monstrous snore.

"Coyote Starrk?" Hisana gasped, forgetting about the dusting. "But, how…?"

"Hey guys, we're back!" Ichigo, Rukia, Tatsuki, and Matsumoto called, coming through the front door while carrying a bunch of supplies.

"What'd we miss?" Tatsuki asked.

"Not much," Kiyone said, "some unconscious guy fell through the roof that Hisana seems to know." She eyed the supplies her friends were carrying, "What's with all the bricks and mortar?"

"We're going to seal up the portal!" Matsumoto declared happily.

"We're not sealing up the portal Matsumoto," Ichigo remanded. "Firstly because we wouldn't even know how to do that if we wanted to. And secondly, these are supposed to be for sealing off the upstairs bathroom." His eyes turned towards the new skylight, "Though the ceiling looks like it could use it more." Then back to the guy on the floor, "So who is he?"

"Judging by his clothes, that necklace that looks like it's made of bone, and the fact that Hisana's shaking in her boots, I'd say he's the next Espada," Yumichika reasoned.

"Doesn't really look like much, does he?" Tatsuki commented, kicking him with her boot lightly.

He twitched slightly.

"Is he dead?" Matsumoto asked.

"So what can we do to mess with him first?" Tatsuki wondered, stroking her chin.

"Tatsuki!" Isane cried, "That's just mean! He's a human being (At least I think he is…) just like the rest of us, and you shouldn't-"

"We're gonna mess with someone?" Ikkaku popped his head out of the bathroom. "Who? Where? What are we going to do to them?"

Isane threw her hands up in defeat, not caring anymore. She went to play with Nel, who was coloring all the pages in Ikkaku's _WHQ_s.

"Well…" Tatsuki said coyly.

Three hours passed, and Starrk's face had been colored on, had his hand put in warm water, had his hand filled with shaving cream and had his cheek tickled, had lipstick applied, and had his shoes switched to the wrong feet.

And there was a frog sitting on his chest. (It was Nel's idea.)

"Well, I can't think of anything else to do to him," Tatsuki announced. "Anyone else?"

A resounding chorus of "I'm out"s met Tatsuki's inquiry.

"So what should we do with him now?" Kiyone asked, staring at the unconscious man on their couch.

"I say we just leave him there," Ichigo suggested, "it's not like he's really hurting anyone."

Meanwhile Hisana continued to hyperventilate.

_Why did it have to be him?_ she worried. _With Nel she used to be a raging drunk who couldn't remember what the door did half the time, and even now that she's a child again she doesn't seem to remember anything from before, but Starrk will remember me exactly! He's going to wake up, remember who I am, my secret will be out, and everyone is going to hate me! Oh, I knew I should have left when I had the chance!_

"I'm gonna go fix the ceiling," Renji announced, gathering up a bunch of supplies. "Anyone wanna help?"

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"Well gee guys," Renji said sarcastically, "don't everybody get up at once…"

"I'll help!" Matsumoto called, raising her hand.

Renji sighed, "Well, I suppose it's better than nothing, (thought not by much…). C'mon Rangiku, you could, I don't know…warn me if a bird tries to poop on me or something…"

"Yay!" the ditzy bombshell cheered, skipping happily after the red fern with racing stripes.

"Guys?" Rukia interjected abruptly, "Shouldn't we see what's wrong with Miss Slartybartfast?" She motioned to the mysterious short woman, who was now rocking back and forth in the fetal position, sucking her thumb and muttering something about finding her happy place.

As she was doing that Starrk began to wake up.

"Mm, what time is it?" he asked groggily. "Cause if it isn't noon or later I'm going back to sleep." He rolled over (causing the frog to leap off in fear of accidentally being crushed) and was soon snoring again, not even noticing his defaced face, damp pants, or his slightly sore feet.

Yumchika's cricket chirped.

"Damn," Tatsuki marveled, "this guy sleeps _hard_."

"He does that a lot," Hisana explained, now taken to breathing exercises.

"Reminds me of one time with Hanatarou," Ikkaku mused.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou: *dials phone* Hello? Yes, I'm calling to report an emergency. No, about me; I woke up this morning looking like a clown. I mean my face had clown make-up and a red nose on it. Yes, I'm positive it wasn't there yesterday. Sure, I'll hold._

_*Hanatarou holds for five hours* _

_Hanatarou: Yes, I'm still here. What do you mean my therapist isn't in? Why on earth would anyone take an entire day off to go to a Mexican sombrero eating contest? Fine, I'll hold some more…_

_Ikkaku: *sneaks up behind Hanatarou* Hey Droopy, guess what?_

_Hanatarou: Huh? *Hanatarou turns around, only for his face to come into contact with Ikkaku's upheld fist*_

_Ikkaku: *laughing ass off*_

_Hantarou: *dizzily* Five more minutes, Mommy… *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Did something similar to him while he was sleeping…"

"You know with all the jokes you played on him it's a wonder he isn't dead yet," Rukia chastised the bullet headed cop.

"Oh he did die," Pachinko Ball explained, "twice. Fortunately we always had a supply of Phoenix Downs on hand."

_We actually have Phoenix Downs?_ Rukia wondered.

Suddenly everyone heard Renji shout "Matsumoto!" from the roof, just before they saw Matsumoto falling down, crying "Eee!". Starrk heard this too, and looked up just in time to see two large chesticles bearing down on him quickly. He barely had any time to react before they collided with his face, making a noise like a squeaky dog toy.

"Hey Renji!" Matsumoto called back up to the redheaded roof repairman, "I think that pigeon was eyeing you suspiciously!"

"Thanks Rangiku!" Renji called back, not bothering to keep the sarcasm out of his voice, "_Biiig_ help!"

"Did Big Boobies get hurt?" Nel wondered, tears starting to well up in her eyes.

"Don't worry," Tatsuki comforted the distressed child, "those airbags of hers probably absorbed most of the impact."

"Oh, dat's cool then."

Nel sure bounces back fast, doesn't she?

"That actually happens fairly often as well," Yumichika explained, "though that's a new record for height."

"Fud fomwnne pet fher hoff o'we?" Starrk asked from under Matsumoto's ample chest. "Ny han't bweaff!"

"Hang on," Tatsuki sighed as she grabbed the tipsy policewoman with one hand and threw her over her shoulder. "There; that better?"

"Yes, thank you," he coughed, "much." He took a moment to take stock of his surrounding, "Either I must be dreaming cause of all that pizza I ate before my nap, or I'm in the enemy base. Huh, I thought I'd have flown farther…"

"Care to run that one by us again?" Ichigo said, clearly not getting this weird man's statement.

"Well, you see," the drowsy Espada said, "it all started a week ago when I went to ask Ulquiorra a question…"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Ulquiorra: *still picking up the coins one at a time* 2,000,395,431, 2,000,395,432, 2,000,395,433, 2,000,- Oh look, a haypenny._

_Starrk: *taps Ulquiorra on the shoulder* Hey Ulquiorra, mind if I-_

_Ulquiorra: *grabs Starrk by the collar and chucks him through the roof* Please don't interrupt me. Now, where was I? Oh yes; 2,000,395,434, 2,000,395,435…Well would you look at that; I don't believe I have the "Alaska" quarter yet…_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I guess I must have dozed off sometime when I was airborn, because the next thing I know I wake up to _her_ in my face."

"You learn to tune it out after a while," Kiyone shrugged.

"Doesn't anyone care about Hisana?" Rukia pressed, motioned again to the turbaned woman (who was now twitching spasmodically). Starrk turned to look at Miss Slartybartfast, smirking.

"She'll be fine," he said, turning back to the KPD, "it should subside in a few minutes or so."

"You've seen this before?" Isane asked, her medical curiosity getting the better of her.

"Yes, Rukia used to do it now and then back in Hueco Mundo," Starrk explained. "These episodes never lasted more than twenty minutes at most."

Hisana fainted dead away, her soul hovering about her comatose body.

"What's her problem?" Ikkaku wondered.

"Maybe she has narcolepsy?" Isane suggested.

"Curious…" Starrk turned back to everyone else, "Since I'm here anyways we might as well get the fight out of the way; I have a three hour cat nap" (somewhere, Yoruichi sneezed) "in three minutes I want to get to." He scanned the possible contestants, "So who's it going to be?"

"I'll fwight you!"

For a moment no one saw who had spoken, then they all looked down and saw Nel pointing defiantly at the _much_ taller man.

A veritable David to his Goliath.

"You?" Starrk was usually one of the more laid back Espada, (as in laying back under the covers), but even he would never stoop so low as to fight a child for an easy win. Even if it was Neliel. "No offense Nel, but I don't think it would be entirely proper for me to fight you when you're in this form. Again… Maybe if we-"

"Hiya!" Nel leap at Starrk, knocking him in the jaw with a Flying Dragon Kick. She then locked her legs around his neck and proceeded to pound like no tomorrow on his face.

"_Hyper Combo! 59 hits!"_

"Where the [censor] is that coming from?" Renji shouted.

Nel then proceeded to jump down and deliver a mighty punch to his crotch. While he was bent over in agony she drew back her foot and released it into Starrk's chin, knocking him on his back. She turned around and bowed respectfully. A second later Starrk exploded in an enormous pile of spare change. "Ya ta!" she announced, holding her hand up in the "V for victory" sign.

"Kid, I think I want you to marry me…" Tatsuki said, awestruck. "And let me assure you, you have _no_ idea how big a deal that is."

"Tee hee, tanks!" she said, skipping back to her coloring area.

"Did Nel just beat that guy into a pulp and then act like nothing happened?" Rukia asked.

"With panache," answered Ichigo.

"Hey, where'd the tall guy go?" wondered Matsumoto, who was still on Tatsuki's shoulder.

"He…went back to Bosnia," Tatsuki said, dropping the woman on the couch. "His tribe was missing their village idiot."

"Oh," the buxom cop sighed disappointingly, "he would have made a nice drinking buddy." She took a swig from a suddenly appeared bottle.

"He probably could have accomplished great things with his life if he didn't spend half of it sleeping," Yumichika sighed exaggeratedly.

"I'm going to take a nap," Ikkaku said as he disappeared into the bathroom.

A moment later the sound of flushing water was heard.

"Anyone up for Asian food tonight?" Kiyone asked, take out menus in hand. Everyone still present mumbled yes and she went about ordering dinner.

"Hey Itsygo," Nel called from her workstation, "can I acks you a question?"

"It's Ichigo," Ichigo grumbled, handing Rukia a bottled water, "and fine, whatever."

"Is Miss Rukia your girlfwiend?"

The two lovers in denial (?) did the mother of all spit takes.

Hisana was still unconscious on the floor.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_4 out of 7, not much left till this wacky adventure is wrapped up. I still have a few unused ideas that I managed to save before the crash, but I still need you loyal readers to throw me a bone or two. (If you already suggested something, don't worry; I haven't forgotten anything.) _

_Not much to say about the next chapter, other than that Tatsuki is probably going to _**really**_hate it. Just some food for thought…_

_And on that note, I feel like doing something special for Halloween this year. (Not more "special" brownies, I think we had more than enough of that last time…) So I need any story ideas, costumes, hijinx, and additional characters you can think of. I'd like to have it done before Halloween proper, so the sooner you can suggest stuff the sooner I can write it. _


	43. Dirty pair

_Apparently the last chapter was written like James Joyce, an early 20__th__ century writer most well known for his retelling of _The Odyssey_ called _Ulysses (1922)_. _

_Interesting fact; this is the first author that I write like that I don't immediately recognize. Oh well, you can't win 'em all…_

_Now that that's over with, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Once all the coins had been cleaned up everyone gathered around the still comatose Hisana to see what was wrong with her. They tried every medical test imaginable (at least the ones they could do right there) and determined that she was suffering from a severe case of "Holy [censor], I'm screwed". Various stimuli (including poking, prodding, tickling, punching, Wet Willies, tummy raspberries, all the stuff they did to Starrk, and the ever popular screaming in her face all failed to elicit any type of noticeable reaction whatsoever.

"Man, this chick sleeps harder than that sleepy guy did," Ikkaku remarked, just having failed his seventh attempt at a Wet Willy.

"You think if we all jumped on her she'd wake up?" Kiyone wondered. "It seemed to work on Rukia before."

"We're not jumping on the poor woman Kiyone," her sister remanded. "That would only do more harm than good."

"I have an idea!" Matsumoto announced, causing everyone to stare at her with stunned looks of utter shock.

"_You_ have _an idea_?" Tatsuki asked, flabbergasted. "Since when?"

"No no, let's hear her out; it's not we're coming up with anything better on our own anyway," Renji said, motioning for everyone to settle down. "What's your idea, Rangiku."

"Well," she said, grabbing a stick and tapping it against a white board with several diagrams on it. The setup hadn't been there a minute ago, "you know how in movies, whenever people are unconscious and thrown off of buildings they wake up a second before they hit the ground? Well, I was thinking that if we throw Miss Slartybartfast off a building and catch her a second before she hits the ground then that'll wake her up!" She beamed.

"We are _not_ throwing her off a building," Renji shot the idea down, "even though that _is_ probably the best plan we've come up with so far…"

"Aw!" the boozed up blond whined.

"Has anyone thought of just waiting it out?" Rukia asked. "Because she's starting to come to." It was true; while everyone was trying to think of a way to revive her, Hisana had started coming around all on her own.

"Ugh," she groaned, holding the side of her head, "how long was I out?" Then everything came flooding back to her. "Where's Starrk?" she cried, grabbing Ikkaku and shaking him violently. "What happened; what did he say?"

"He disintergwated hours ago," Nel explained. "Nel fought him and she won!" She gave a cheesy thumbs-up sign, winking.

"He did?" Hisana relaxed, letting Ikkaku drop to the floor unconscious. She sighed, "That's a relief…"

"What was with that anyway?" Ichigo wondered. "You're not hiding anything from us, are you?"

A small puddle of sweat had formed around Hisana's feet, slowly expanding.

"Mind telling us what-"

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!" she shouted, rushing out the door.

"…Was it something I said?"

"Well when you gotta go…" Tatsuki shrugged.

"At least she didn't use _my _bathroom this time," Ikkaku said from the floor, smiling smugly.

"You idiots!" Rukia shouted angrily, glaring at the other members of the force. "She didn't need to use the bathroom; she was obviously upset about something!" She stormed out of the room, muttering "Stupid, oblivious…". Ichigo ran after her, shouting "Wait, Rukia!"

Everyone else just stood around looking ashamed.

Matsumoto was at her desk, chugging down a bottle of Heineken.

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"Did we do something wrong?" wondered Nel.

"I'm…not really sure…," answered Renji.

"Whatever," the female Bruce Lee said dismissively, "I'm gonna go look for Hisana before she does stupid." With that she left.

Then she poked her head back in, "By the way, there are a couple chicks out here who say they'd like to report something. You guys want 'em?"

"Sure, why not?" Renji relented. "Until the lovebirds and Bruce Lee get back we're pretty much just sitting on our asses doing nothing."

"'Kay." She disappeared again, and a moment later the two young women Tatsuki mentioned came in.

"You said you wanted to report something?" Isane asked. Everyone gathered around her with lawn chairs and popcorn, waiting for the show to start.

"We want to report a crime," one of them said.

"That's right," the other said, "a _horrible_ crime."

"The _worst_!"

"And what exactly is this crime?" Isane pulled out a notepad and prepared to write down the crime.

"Well…," they both drawled before suddenly throwing off their coats. They were dressed in incredibly skanky white outfits that just barely did the job that clothes were supposed to. Also, they were both wearing identical eye patch…monocle…_things_ made of some bone like substance on their eyes, "it's that it should be illegal for lovin' as good as ours to exist!" They then pounced on each other and proceeded to [The following scene has been omitted due to legal reasons, since everything that takes place in it is outlawed in most of the civilized world (and certain fishbowls). As a substitute, please enjoy this humorous anecdote about Yamada Hanatarou.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou: Hey guys; anyone want to go to the beach with me?_

_Matsumoto: *is drunk* We have a beach?_

_Isane: Do you know how many things can potentially injure or kill you at the beach? _

_Tatsuki: Besides, the horoscopes say that beaches should be avoided today, especially by small, weak, and slightly droopy people._

_Hanatarou: Oh you know I never pay attention to those things, they always turn out to be wrong. _

_*Hanatarou leaves and makes his way to the beach, where upon arrival is tripped, had sand kicked in is face, stepped on a sea shell, had a crab pinch his ankle, and get hit full force with a tsunami, which also caused him to get stung by tons of jellyfish*_

_Hanatarou: *hanging from the Eiffel Tower* Maybe I should start listening to those things… *faints, a fish falls off his head* _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Thank you for your patience. We now return you to your regularly scheduled story, already in progress.] until the mountain goat left, leaving them both lying on the floor winded.

The KPD were sprawled out on the floor, dead. Nel included. (Isane had the mind to cover the impressionable child's eyes, not that it helped her in the end.)

"What the [censor] is up with these guys?" the one with the short blond hair wondered, redoing the buttons on her shirt.

"No clue," the one with the ponytails answered, fixing her skirt, "it's like they've never seen two chicks go at it hardcore before."

"It's a good thing Tatsuki's not here," Renji said dazily as his soul returned to its body, "other I don't think there'd even be a station left…"

"There wouldn't even be a _street_ left," Ikkaku amended.

"I can just _feel_ the STDs crawling around inside my body," Isane groaned.

She threw up a moment later.

"Nel can never unhear the noises she heard…" Nel murmured blankly.

"And I thought _I_ was flexible…" Yumichika intoned.

"Hey Loly," the blond one said eventually, "I think we broke them."

"They're fine, Menoly," "Loly" sighed, "they're probably just in shock from seeing us go at it like rabbits. Though it would be the first time…"

"Yeah, it would be," "Menoly" agreed, looking puzzled. "Maybe we shouldn't have brought in the goat this time…"

"You sure it wasn't when you did that thing with the whip?"

"No, I'm pretty sure it was the goat."

Suddenly Rukia and Ichigo barged back into the room, still arguing.

"Look, how was I supposed to know she'd get upset by something like that? She's never been anything but open with us before."

"Oh, so then I guess it's just fine to keep secrets, as long as you know everyone else's first! Did everything that toast we made at Christmas stood for mean nothing?"

They were having a little lover's quarrel.

"I said I'm sorry, what else do you want from me?"

"I-…You-…Just-…I don't know! But more than just an apology, that's for sure!" Then she noticed the two disheveled looking women standing in a small pile of random crap. "Who are they?"

"We're Loly and Menoly," the pair said, "and we're here to beat you up!" They shared a mischievous glance, "And maybe so other things to you as well…" They broke into giggles.

"Yeah, _especially_ Rukia…" Menoly said, blowing the diminutive policewoman a flirty kiss.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"Are you guys…lesbians?" Rukia asked.

"Darn tootin," Loly said, shooting an imaginary gun at Rukia, clicking her tongue, and winking. "Frankly, we're surprised what slim pickings this town of yours has."

"Yeah," Rukia sweatdropped, "Tatsuki kind of took care of that…"

"Chizuru's still here!" Matsumoto pointed out.

"Oh we _know_," Menoly sensually assured her, "we already tapped that on the way here."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Chizuru: *Laying on the ground, singing in operatic voice* Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I found you!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Somehow, I'm not the least bit surprised at that…" Rukia hung her head, "I can't believe how far my life has fallen…"

"_We_ could help you forget about that," the women said, coyly beckoning Rukia to them.

"_Join the dark side,_ Menoly enticed. "_We have cookies_."

"And by 'cookies'," Loly explained, "we mean-"

"I'M NOT GAY!" Rukia shouted, feelings about this whole dang mess bubbling to the surface. Then she suddenly realized something, "Oh my god, now I know how Yumichika feels all the time."

"_Finally_ someone does!" the diva of the KPD shouted cheerfully.

"Yumi-chan's not gay?" Matsumoto gasped.

"Rangiku," Renji exasperated, "just…go color."

"OK," she agreed, sitting herself in front of one of Nel's coloring books.

"Nel too!" Nel called, hurrying after the blond (in more way than one) sop. "This is starting to get _way_ too weird for me."

"Seriously?" Loly asked incredulously, "You'd think you'd be leaping into our arms, begging us to take you back."

"Especially considering all the guys you used to hang around with back in Hueco Mundo," added Menoly.

"True dat." They fist bumped.

"But I've never seen any of you people before!" Rukia protested. "I don't even know what's so special about me for all of you to be chasing after me in the first place!"

"Maybe she hit her head and got amnesia," suggested Menoly.

"It's starting to seem that way…" Loly sighed, "Well, before you came here, you kind of…accidentally totally blew up our headquarters."

"Do we even want to know how?" Kiyone wondered.

"She combined Nel's cooking with toxic waste and chick flicks."

Matsumoto hiccupped.

"That would about do it alright."

"So what now?" Ichigo asked. "Are we going to fight or what?" His expression turned grim, "I normally don't attack women on principal, but I'm willing to make an exception just this once."

"Like you could even come close to beating us, Carrot Top," Menoly said, dismissing him lazily. "Besides, we're not interested in battling you."

"We were actually thinking of having _them_ as partners…" Loly pointed at the Kotetsu sisters.

"US?" the Kotetsu sisters gasped.

"Oh yeah," Menoly leered at the two siblings, "_you're_ the ones we want…"

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Loly agreed.

"_Prepare for trouble…"_ They both said, slowly advancing on the only blood relations in the KPD.

"Sis, hold me!" Isane cried, jumping into the arms of her younger (and shorter) sister.

"Geez Nee-chan," Kiyone grunted, "you could stand to loose a few pounds, you know that?"

"I'm back!" Tatsuki called, suddenly barging into the room. "I found Hisa- What's going on here?"

"Save us!" cried Isane, holding on to her sister's neck for dear life. (And starting to choke her slightly.)

"For crap's sake Isane grow a pair already!" Tatsuki sighed. Regardless, she walked up behind the two (unbeknownst to Tatsuki) lesbians, grabbing them by their ears, "Stop traumatizing our Medic and her pet monkey."

"I'm not a monkey!" Kiyone shouted angrily, dropping her sister, ("Oof!"). She then pulled up an office chair, sat in it moodily, and began peeling a banana with her feet.

Kiyone's a woman of hidden talents, ain't she?

Meanwhile, as Tatsuki pulled the nymphos back, they began moaning ravenously.

"The [censor]?" Tatsuki screamed, leaping back like they had the plague.

"How did you just what our weak spot was?" Loly asked, underneath Menoly (who had fallen on top of her).

"Where have you _been_ all our lives?" her partner asked, gasping for air breathily.

Then they both fainted.

"Well that wasn't at all creepy," Ichigo said sarcastically.

"Are they dead?" Rukia wondered, slightly mortified that two people might have just died in front of her.

"Hey Matsumoto," Yumichika called, "Tatsuki just killed the two lesbians."

"THEY WERE LESBIANS?" Tatsuki exploded. Then in a calmer voice she said, "And I killed them. Sweet…!"

"Big deal," Matsumoto called back, "she did that last month."

She was _really_ busy trying to remember what color Oranges were.

"And Brad and Angelina just broke up-"

"HOW COULD THEY?" she suddenly wailed, scaring the crap out of everyone. She also had shiny anime tears pouring from her eyes.

"Which still doesn't tell us if they're really dead or not," Renji pointed out. "Isane, you're the doctor here; go check and see if they're dead or not." Isane inched forward slowly and lightly tapped them with the toe of her shoe, causing them explode in a pile of loose change.

Isane leapt back like a scared cat.

"MINE!" Ikkaku shouted, leaping at the pile of coins, unscrewing the top of his head, and scooping said coins into it like no tomorrow.

"…So what's this about Hisana?" Kiyone asked after staring dumbly at Ikkaku for a moment.

"I found her at the Snugly Duckling," Tatsuki explained. "She's…well, you'd better come see for yourselves."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And could you get a better cliffy than that? Don't worry, you'll see how everything gets resolved soon enough…_

_See y'all next time!_


	44. So THAT'S what happened

_Surpirse! I'm taking a one chapter break from the Mott Milgrim arc to work on a little idea I had floating around in the vast, empty expanse that is my mind. It takes place during the KPD's first Halloween adventure. You know, the one with the brownies? If all goes well (which you know it won't) this chapter should be crack humor in its purest form. _

_Also, the last chapter was written like Harry Harrison, a science fiction author of books such as the Stainless Steel Rat series and the recent Deathworld._

_And now, without further adieu, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Isane awoke with a start, gasping for breath like some do when they come out of sleep. She looked around and saw that she was again in whatever weird place she was transported to when she was sleeping. The same brown colored sky, the upside down flying pigs in lederhosen, the occasional disembodied floating ear, and Floyd the Merge left street sign, waiting for her as usual.

"You're late!" he yelled, his voice sounding nasally as ever.

"I'm sorry!" Isane protested. "We were kind of having a Halloween party at headquarters, and-"

"No excuses!" Floyd barked. "Or we'll never save the robot midget zombie pirates from the horrible sparkly monster! Do you want him to keep terrorizing the poor…_things,_ is that what you want?"

"No…"

"Then get your butt in gear _**NOW!**_"

"AH! I'm going, I'm going!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I _told_ you that we had to turn _left!_at the inside-out building with the clown nose, not right! Now look were we ended up!" Floyd yelled in his angry, nasally voice.

"It's not my fault!" Isane said timidly. "You were yelling at me, I was confused."

"That doesn't matter!" Floyd retorted hotly. "I'm the only one who's ever made it back from the Land of Rainbows alive, so if you want to get there and slay the horrible sparkly monster, then you'd damn well better follow my direction to a 'T', got it?"

"Mmhmm," she nodded, wondering how much longer this darn quest was going to take.

"Isane?"

"Oh," Isane looked up and saw Rukia looking down at her from the top of the canyon wall, "hi Rukia! What are you doing here?"

"Honestly," she said, "I have no idea. What about you?"

"Well, I _was_ on my way to the Land of Rainbows, but this _handicapped parking sign _made me take a wrong turn-"

"Because you ignored my one and only direction!" Floyd interrupted. "It was the clearest thing on the world; not confusing in the least!"

"It was too! Nothing you said back there made any sense!"

Rukia sweatdropped, quite loudly.

"Oh-_kaaay,_" Rukia drawled, before gesturing to merge left sign (who happened to be wearing a sombrero now) next to her, "and this is...?"

"Oh, this is Floyd," Isane explained. "He's taking me to the Land of Rainbows so I can slay this horrible, sparkly monster that's been terrorizing the robot midget zombie pirates." She held up the can of lima beans and lampshade in her procession, "Wanna come along?"

Rukia thought about it for a minute.

"Uh," she finally answered, "watashi wa nien spreken de la Greeko."

Isane looked utterly puzzled, _What language was she speaking?_

Rukia apparently noticed the medic's confusion and amended her statement. "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that last thing you said."

"Oh...," Isane sigheded, crestfallen.

"Boy are _you_ one weird cookie, toots."

"I am not!" Isane shouted indignantly.

Rukia would have sweatdropped again, but the rocking of the boat was too much and she toppled overboard into the cold, Pepsi ocean.

"Oh well," Floyd shrugged, (though how he accomplished this being a merge left sign no one could guess), "she was weighing us down anyways."

"You do know she's my friend, right?" Floyd glared at her, (again, no one knows how), "Never mind…"

"That's better...Now, peddle like the wind!"

As they peddled their cloud around the rolling green mud fields they passed by a monkey in a cowboy hat riding a tricycle. He gave them directions to a beauty parlor where all the ugly monsters went.

"A-are you s-sure this is the p-p-place?" Isane asked. "These guys seem scarier than Yumichika in a dress. And trust me, that was _plenty_ scary."

"Of course it is," Floyd said, "you know as well as I do that this is the only place where Tee the Butterfly hangs out after he's done with his day job."

"Remind me what that was again?"

"He works in real estate."

Yumichika's cricket burped over at the bar.

"So which one of you fools is Isane?" a gruff voice that sounded suspiciously like an 80's TV icon said from behind them.

"Um, I am?" she said hesitantly.

"Good," the butterfly said, sweeping off his Stetson, "because I have some _very important information_ that you need to know."

"Really; what?"

"No idea, I forgot."

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked, fell of its stand, and rolled out of the establishment. Three weeks later it was revealed that the wheel crashed into the tower at Piza, causing it to lean.

"Now if you'll excuse me," he grabbed a rocket launcher, "I need to go travel back in time and save a girl from a brain eating Razzle." With that he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Well that was a freaking bust," Floyd sighed, "let's try somewhere else." They broke the surface of the water and looked around the department store. "By the way," Floyd turned to Isane, "lace isn't you thing." Isane looked down and saw that she was in a two-piece black lingerie number.

"Ah!" she gasped, slamming her overcoat shut. "I'm so embarrassed…" she moaned.

"Snap out of it!" Floyd slapped her. "I'll strip you naked if it'll get rid of the horrible sparkly monster!" Floyd looked thoughtful, "Though, all things considered, it probably will."

"You're mean!" Isane wailed, wiping rogue spiders off her evening gown.

"You'll get over it," the merge left sign said, shoving her onto the dais, "now go kiss that frog already!" Standing next to the alter was a mammoth frog, about as tall as the police medic stood.

Isane froze cold.

"What's the holdup?"

"Um…" the grey haired cop stuttered, "it's a frog…and, you know…" She looked back at Floyd to see if he understood what she was saying, and saw that he was now wearing a bow tie, top hat, and monocle.

"Do I need to bring out 'Mr. Rotary Saw'?" he asked darkly, his monocle catching the light.

Isane gulped.

_Loudly_.

She shut her eyes fast and gave the horrid, slimy beast a kiss. When she opened her eyes she saw she was being held in the arms of her former high school sweetheart, Hisagi Shuuhei. He was wearing a white Doctor's coat over a dapper tuxedo.

"I've never stopped thinking about you," he said, looking deeply into her eyes, "breaking up with you was the biggest mistake of my life…"

"Hisagi…," she sighed as he pulled her into another tender kiss.

"Now that we're back together," he said, "there's something I need to tell you." He pulled down the zipper on his forehead, revealing himself in drag. "I'm a woman."

"What?" Isane gasped, pulling away from him. He now looked like Oprah and Cher had a demon lovechild that got fashion advice from Lady Ga Ga.

"But not just any woman," he amended, pulling down another zipper and revealing Kiyone, still looking like she got fashion advice from Lady Ga Ga, "I'm your sister!"

"Well," Floyd said, "didn't see _that_ coming…"

"You know," the towhead told her older sibling, "this is kind of messed up, even for you, Neechan." She gave Isane a once over, "And you _really_ can't pull of lace." Isane looked down.

She was in the lingerie again.

Then she began to feel a slight pain in her side…

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And that's about when she wakes up under a pile of her coworkers. _

_I told you her dreams were pretty messed up… Anyways, next time we'll return to the Mott Milgrim arc and witness the battle with Ulquiorra. It's either going to be the most epic thing in the world, or the stupidest. _

_My money's on the stupid. _

_As usual, keep sending those ideas in, I want to get as many done as possible so I can have something to post while I'm working on NaNoWriMo next month. _


	45. The Not So Ultimate Showdown

_And now we return the long awaited conclusion of the Mott Milgrim arc! Prepare for daring deeds, heroic battles, heartfelt romance, and…_

_I'm kidding; it's just going to be the KPD making fools out of themselves like always. _

_In other news, the last chapter was written like Arthur C. Clarke again. That makes two chapters written like the same guy; a new record! I wonder if it'll happen for any of the others? (Personally, Imma rootin' for Doug Adams.) _

_And now for the fight you've all been waiting for… (Get ready for a _looong_ chapter…)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The KPD burst through the (sliding) doors of the Snugly Duckling, weapons brandished.

And by "the KPD", we mean mostly Tatsuki.

"Alright you [censor]ers, hands in the air!" she shouted, pointing an automatic rifle at the patrons of the bar.

They just stared at her blankly.

"You _do_ know we're just here to find Hisana," Ichigo reiterated, "right?"

"Oh," she said, suddenly loosing her fire.

"You said she was here" Renji said, "so, where is she?"

"Last time I saw her she was just sitting at the bar."

"Ooh, they have a bar here?" Matsumoto asked, wide eyed. She immediately headed over to the bar and began drinking (even more).

"Yeah…so where was Hisana again?" Renji asked, ignoring his constantly inebriated cohort.

"Like I said before, she was sitting at the bar; practically right where Rangiku is right now." Matsumoto was currently sticking her head under one of the taps, drinking from it directly.

"Well, she's not there anymore…" Ikkaku pointed out.

"You wanna start something?" she snapped, glaring holes right into Chrome Dome's head. "Cause I'll be more than happy to take this out to the parking lot."

"Could we _please_ focus on finding Hisana?" Ichigo pleaded, trying to bring some order to the unorderable group. "Rukia, you're sensible, could you talk some sense into these-" He turned to look for Rukia, but she had already disappeared. "Rukia? Aw _crap, not again!"_ he wailed.

"Can I help you?" Ulqiorra asked, suddenly appearing amongst them.

"Ack!" Kiyone freaked, "How the hell do you do that?"

"Do what?" he asked, looking at her curiously.

"You know, that…" He continued to stare at her. It was _really_ unnerving. "Never mind…"

"You wouldn't happen to have seen which way Rukia went, have you?" Isane asked politely.

"Actually, I have." He motioned for them to follow him as he began to work his way through the crowd. "It would be appreciated if you would lower your weapon while on the premises, Arisawa-san."

"Do I have to?" Tatsuki whined, but holstered her gun all the same.

It wasn't long until they caught sight of Rukia, standing stone still by the bar.

"There you are!" Ichigo said, relieved. "Why did you run off like that?"

Rukia just stood there mutely, pointing. Everyone looked in the direction she was pointing, and saw the last thing any of them were expecting.

"Two Rukias?" they all gasped. (Everyone expect Matsumoto, who was doing shot after shot with some random biker.)

"Great," Ikkaku groaned, "as if _one_ wasn't bad enough…" He suddenly felt a hand grasp his shoulder from behind.

"Wanna run that one by me again?" Ichigo said darkly.

"Nothing!" Ikkaku squeaked.

"That's what I thought…"

"More importantly," Renji said, "HOW THE HELL ARE THERE TWO RUKIAS?"

"Considering the possibility that there are an infinite number of parallel universes in existence the probability that there are alternate copies of each of us."

Everyone (including Ulquiorra) stared at Ikkaku.

"What are y'all looking at me for?" he demanded.

"Hey pansies, over here!" Everyone turned around and saw Kenpachi Zaraki waving at them, holding a textbook. "I was just reading this theoretical science book when I heard your little problem." He held the book up for all to see, "Anyone else want to have a go when I'm done?" They all shook their heads no.

"Maybe Yumichika would like it," Ikkaku said thoughtfully. "He likes nerdy stuff like that."

Forget what I said…

"Kind of like Isane."

"You know, you're kind of pushing it tonight," Tatsuki remanded. Then she turned to Hisana, "So…why the hell do you look like Rukia?"

"Why does it matter?" she said, swirling the glass she had, "My secret's out, Ulquiorra's an ass like usual, and I can't even find my wallet anymore!" She downed the liquid left in the glass, "I don't even know why I bother anymore…"

"I still fail to see how I can be compared to a common farm animal," Ulquiorra said.

"SEE! See what he's like!" She poured herself another glass and downed it as well, "I can see why Matsumoto likes this stuff so much."

"Damn straight!" she called, holding up a bottle of tequila and pouring it into her mouth from that height.

"I mean," Hisana continued, "there's just no pleasing him! Watch." She turned to Ulquiorra, "I've changed my mind; I want to be your girlfriend."

"You had you're chance, you're dead to me now."

"Cold much?" Kiyone scoffed.

"Wait, there's more." She turned back to the emo bar owner, "Then I guess I'm over you too."

"Please take me back?" Ulquiorra was suddenly on his hands and knees, looking up at her as pleadingly as someone with no emotions or personality could.

"Alright," Hisana replied, "you've talked me into it. I'm your girlfriend."

"I told you we were done, why do you still persist with these delusions?"

"Do you see what I have to deal with?" she told the KPD. "There's just no way I can win; I accept him and he shuns me, I decline him and it's like he can't live without me!" She drank straight from the bottle this time. "I don't know what I ever saw in him…"

"We _still_ don't," Renji pointed out.

"As interesting as watching a drunk person is," Ulquiorra commented as Matsumoto slipped on the bar and crashed into some random bikers, "I'm going to have to ask you to remove this person whom I have suddenly never seen before in my life from my establishment."

"Go [censor] yourself," Hisana slurred, flipping Ulquiorra the bird.

"What does that gesture mean?" Ulquiorra asked, looking over at Isane.

"Um…," the nervous doctor stammered, "you're better off not knowing…"

"It's…_kind_ of like a non-verbal way of saying 'Eff you'," Kiyone explained delicately.

Ulquiorra look confused.

"I feel…strange; like something inside me is telling me that I should be outraged at this." He kept looking at his hand, turning it slowly so he could see it from all angles.

"Well, you were just insulted;" Ikkaku pointed out, "whatever you're feeling is natural."

"If you say so…" Ulquiorra clenched his hand into a fist and socked Ikkaku right in the face. He turned to Hisa- er, Ruki- just…one of the Rukias, OK? The one not in a police outfit. "And now for you, you wench."

"Time out!" Ichigo held up his hands, "I thought you wanted to find her so you could, you know…"

"That was my original intention, and one that others still held," Ulquiorra explained, "but after most of them died I have since deemed that objective to be a waste of time. So I am just going to eliminate the problem and save myself any more headaches." He whipped out a sword from who knows where (kind of like Matsumoto and her bottles) and pointed it at Hisana.

What? Like you could do a better job of keeping track of two identical people with the same name.

"OK buddy, that's it," Ichigo snarled, "nobody points a sword at my girlfriend and gets away with it!"

"Ichigo I'm over here," Rukia deadpanned, _not_ in the path of Ulquiorra's weapon.

"Oh…well, she's still been through too much to just let herself be killed off so-"

"Why not?" Hisana said reservedly. "My whole life is nothing but a joke anymore…death doesn't sound so bad right now…"

"You people aren't just not making this easy for me, are you!"

"If you petition to fight for Miss Slartybartfast then I will gladly oblige you." Ulquiorra pointed behind the bar, "There is an old sword hanging over the bar, you may use it for our duel." Ichigo looked where the emo bar owner was pointing and saw a katana, ebony from the point to the bottom of the grip. A plaque underneath said "Tensa Zangetsu".

"Cool."

"It was here when we- _I_ took over the bar," Ulquiorra explained, "I don't really know much about it."

"Doesn't matter," Ichigo said as he grabbed the sword from it holder, "it suits me just fine." He gave the elegant weapon a few practice swings, nearly giving a few of the other patrons buzz cuts. Then he turned back to Ulquiorra, "Ready whenever you are."

"Very well then…" Without a second's hesitation he turned his sword towards Ichigo and lunged. Ichigo barely had time to bring his own weapon up to defend. They both locked blades, each struggling against the other for dominance.

"They didn't even wait for a coin to drop or anything," Kiyone commented.

"Did somebody say 'coin'?" Ulquiorra suddenly perked up (in an emotionless way of course), loosing his concentration and getting pushed back by Ichigo.

A light bulb flashed over Ichigo's head, then continued to wink on and off endlessly.

"Hey Barkeep!" he called to the barkeep, throwing some loose change on the bar. "Gimme a double whisky!"

Ulquiorra springs onto the coins almost before Ichigo finishes the order, muttering to himself as he inspects each piece of currency.

"You have much Canadian currency…"

"Um, thanks…," Ichigo said uncertainly. "That was a compliment, right?" This man was getting stranger and stranger all the time…

Moments later Ulquiorra finished inspecting the coinage and turned back to the orange haired cop, "Now, where were we?" He brought his own sword above his head and brought it down on Ichigo.

Ichigo fortunately dodged before he became his own twin and somehow managed to block the next strike, locking swords again.

"You know," Ichigo grunted, "I forgot to tip you when I paid for my drink." He broke out of the sword lock, dodged out of Ulquiorra's reach, and flicked a quarter onto the bar.

Emo boy pounced on it like a fangirl on sparkly fairy vampires and stripper werewolves.

"It's too bad Yumichika decided to stay in the van," Ikkaku said, munching on some popcorn, "because he's missing a good show!"

"Hey, where'd you get that popcorn?" Kiyone demanded.

"From yo mama!" he shot back.

This quickly degraded into a round of everybody's favorite party game, "No, _you're _a dick!".

"Why did Yumichika want to stay in the van anyway?" Rukia wondered.

"I think he said something some of the bikers eyeing him funny last time," Renji said.

Meanwhile, Ulquiorra was still staring at the quarter.

"I almost feel sorry for doing this," Ichigo said as he raised Tensa Zangetsu over his opponent and plunged it into his heart. The unnaturally pale man slumped to the floor.

"And good riddance!" Hisana slurred, slamming a now empty glass on the bar.

"Doesn't anyone think that he went down to easily?" Isane worried.

"Not really," Tatsuki said, "now that he's dead I can get back to my soaps."

"You watch soap operas? I thought that was Ikkaku's shtick."

"NO I DON'T! I only read the manga, and-" He suddenly realized what he was saying. "I mean, uh…," he turned back to Kiyone, "No, _you're _a dick!"

"No, _you're _a dick!" she responded in kind.

"No, _you're _a dick!"

"No, _you're _a dick!"

"No, _you're _a dick!"

"No, _you're _a dick!"

"No, _your _dick!" Hisana slurred.

For some reason, Matsumoto had a weird sense of déjà-vu then.

She just ignored it and drank more.

"Would you all kindly shut your damn mouths?" Ulquiorra (He's still alive folks!) intoned from the floor.

"HE'S STILL ALIVE?" everyone screamed.

"But I stabbed him through the heart," Ichigo spazzed, "how could he not die?"

"Simply because I do not possess that particular organ," Ulquiorra explained, picking himself up off the floor. He pulled the sword out of his now ruined shirt and lifted it up - fangirls, if you so much as _sigh_ than I'll have my team of secret attack ninja cap you off before you even know what happened- revealing a large hole that went straight through his chest.

"Whoa, didn't see that coming…"

"It seems I must use more extreme measures to deal with you all." He picked up his sword again and held it in front of him.

…And just stood like that.

"Is…he going to just stand there?" Kiyone wondered. "I thought he was going to do something like-"

"Enclose, _Muriélago." _A whirlwind of energy encircled the Espada leader, blocking him from view. All that energy exploded outward a moment later, knocking everyone down and smashing all the glass in the place. This included all the bottles of alcohol.

"HEY!"

Sorry Matsumoto, but it's for the good of the plot moving forward. Besides, you've still got all that booze back at the station.

"Oh, OK then."

"Ugh, who are you talking to Matsumoto?" Kiyone asked as she got her bearings again.

"The Narrator," the drunk police woman replied.

"…Rangiku? Maybe you should stop drinking before you erode whatever brain cells you have left completely."

"I have _brain cells_ left?"

"…"

"…"

"You know what? Just keep doing what you're doing."

"OK!" She pulled a bottle out of her cleavage (that somehow remained unbroken) and started guzzling it down.

Meanwhile, the smoke cleared from around Ulquiorra, revealing him looking almost exactly like he did before, only this time he had bat wings coming out of his back and long, thin, ear like horns coming out of his head.

"_Round Two! Are you ready?"_

"Ahah!" Renji cried, suddenly spying a little stuffed lion holding a microphone. "There you are, you little bastard!" He pounced on the animated stuffed toy, wringing its scrawny neck.

"You may have defeated my sealed form," Ulquiorra said, actually managing to sound menacing, "but in my powered up state I will not be so easily distracted by reflective currency." He flared his wings open, causing a wind to rip through the bar, knocking everyone on their asses…again.

"Good thing Yumichika's still in the van with Nel," Ikkaku said, "his afro would get tossed like nobody's business, and Nel would probably just get blown clean away."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile, back at the van, Yumichika was busy giving Nel a pedicure.

"Do you always cawwy a beauty kit with you?" Nel wondered as Yumichika applied nail polish to Nel's toes.

"No, this is just an emergency kit I keep in the van."

"How do you find it in this mess?" Nel was currently staring at an eyeball that had grown out of the back of one of the seats.

It was kind of creeping her out.

"I don't know…it usually just appears whenever I need it." Nel shook her head.

"You guys just get weirder and weirder…"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"If you'd like to try your luck again," Ulquiorra said, pointing his at Ichigo again, "then come at me."

"Don't mind if I do!" Ichigo said, picking up Tensa Zangetsu again and charged the (now slightly creepier looking) bar owner.

He was thrown into the wall three seconds later.

"How's it going Ichigo?" Ikkaku asked from his newly acquired lawn chair, still eating popcorn, "Run up against a wall there?"

"Very funny, Chrome Dome," Ichigo grunted as he picked himself up out of the small crater his impact made, "I'm coming back to kick _your_ bald ass when I'm done with his." He rushed at Ulquiorra again.

It pretty much garnered the same result as last time.

"Having trouble Ichigo?" Tatsuki asked.

"You wanna do this?" Ichigo was getting kind of peeved now, "Because I'll be _more _than welcome to trade places with you if you want!"

"I'm afraid the rules do not permit you to 'tag out' once the fight had been engaged," Ulquiorra explained, still waiting for Ichigo to make a serious attempt.

"Screw the rules, I'm going to [censor]ing kill you!"

I think Ichigo needs to start investing in some anger management classes.

Or get laid, one or the other.

Anyways, his anger must have triggered something inside the sword, because suddenly it started glowing with blue energy. He began to feel a power growing inside him, so large that it could barely be contained. It continued to swell, becoming more and more unbearable. Ichigo had to do something to keep this power from tearing him apart at the seams.

"_Say my name,"_ a voice seemed to say in his mind. _"Say it, and you'll gain a power great enough to defeat the one you face."_

"Who are you?" Ichigo wondered aloud.

"You know I am; my name is Ulqi"-

"NOT YOU!" Ichigo snapped, "I meant the voice inside my head."

Matsumoto hiccupped.

"Well," Kiyone resigned, "Ichigo's finally lost it."

"He never exhibited any signs of going bug nuts crazy before," Isane pondered.

"I actually thought he'd last longer," Renji said.

"You guys all suck!" Ichigo shouted. "Not shut up so I can hear what the voice is saying…."

"Rukia," Tatsuki stage whispered to Rukia, "I'd recommend cutting ties with him while you still ca-"

"SHUT UP!"

"_Call out my name, Ichigo; it is the only way to survive against this man…thing."_

Figuring "Screw it, why not?", he said his sword's name.

"TENSA ZANGETSU!"

The energy that had been gathering exploded outward, knocking everyone on their asses for a third time. When they got their bearings again they looked to see what was up with Ichigo and couldn't keep their jaws of the floor.

Ichigo was not decked out in some uber cool, black trench coat samurai getup, holding Tensa Zangetsu in a "Guilty" pose.

"You were saying, Tatsuki?" Rukia rebutted.

"Never mind…"

"Alright Ulquiorra," Ichigo said, oozing cool confidence, "let's send you back whatever rave you crawled out of."

"I welcome you to try," Ulquiorra replied, morphing his sword into a glowing green lance and adopting a similarly cool pose.

"Fine by me…" Ichigo abruptly vanished, suddenly appearing in front of the Leader Espada. The two fighters then proceeded to attack each other relentlessly, almost to fast for the eyes of the KPD to follow.

"Are you guys seeing this?" Ikkaku marveled, "Because I'm sure not."

"Me neither," Tatsuki said, squinting, "I'm only catching bits and pieces."

"I think it looks pretty," Matsumoto said, marveling at the flashes of light that appeared when the weapons clashed.

_Ichigo,_ Rukia thought, _do your best…_

He was then summarily slammed into the wall again.

_Well, it was worth a shot…_

"You know," he grunted, "that offer for anyone to trade places with me still stands…"

"We're good here," Ikkaku called from his lawn chair, now sipping some sort of tropical drink with a little umbrella in it.

He was finally smacked upside the head by everyone around him.

"I'm impressed by your sudden transformation," Ulquiorra said, apparently unscathed, "but as you can see, it is still not enough to-"

He suddenly bent over, coughing up blood.

"Well that was weird…" Kiyone mused.

"Isane wait!" Renji cried after the Force doctor as she ran to assist the emo bar owner, "He's the _bad guy_, you're not supposed the help the bad guys!"

"But my Hippocratic oath…" Isane protested.

"Can wait at the zoo with the other hippos until this is done!"

"That…doesn't really make sense…"

OK, getting back to the fight…

"Well," Ichigo said smugly, "looks like I'm better than you thought, huh?"

"This proves nothing…" Ulquiorra grunted before hacking up another torrent of blood and bile.

"Are you sure?" Ichigo asked. "Because from where I'm standing it looks like your ass just got soundly thrashed by _moi_."

"Merely a flesh wound…"

"Not even a cough drop…?" Isane persisted.

"Got sit in a corner Isane!"

Isane went and sat in a corner, drooping.

"Flesh wound this!" Ichigo cried, gathering up energy in the sword again. He screamed "GETSUGA TENSHOU!" as he slashed the ebony blade, causing a black wave to sail towards the (now incapacitated) leader Espada.

Unfortunately, the only thing it did was fling him back.

"DAMMIT!" Ichigo cried before realizing where Ulquiorra was headed. "Matsumoto, look out!"

"Huh?" She turned around on her bar stool right before Ulquiorra collided with her, knocking him in the head with her massive bosom.

This caused him to explode in a shower of coins.

"No way…"

"Did Matsumoto just kill someone with her boobs?" Renji asked.

"Sure looks that way," Tatsuki said.

"That…was the coolest thing I've ever seen…" marveled Ikkaku.

"Look out for what?" Matsumoto asked, apparently unfazed by all of this.

"Hey Hisana!" Kiyone said to the Rukia look alike, "We won! Your weird, creepy boyfriend got exploded by Matsumoto's boobs!"

"That's just like him," Hisana slurred as she poured herself another glass of liquor, "exploding before we can resolve anything…"

"Yeah…," Kiyone sweatdropped, "sure…"

"What's going on in here?" Yumichika asked as he and Nel walked in through the front door. "We heard a lot of yelling and decided to check it out."

"Why are there coins all overw da place?" Nel wondered, glancing at all the loose change that resulted from Ulquiorra's untimely explosion.

"Can I come out of the corner now?" Isane whimpered.

"I think we just won," Ichigo said, suddenly feeling a strange sensation in his bowels. A moment later his qausi-samurai outfit disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving him standing in his old duds.

_Take me with you,_ the sword said. _I feel you have a strong soul; it was no accident you were able to use my powers._

_Well,_ Ichigo conceded, _just so long as you don't try to ask stupid questions in a way that makes me seem like I'm talking to myself; I can't have people questioning my sanity even more than they already do._

_I'll do my best,_ the sword promised.

"Ichigo, I just want to thank you for making Ulquiorra explode."

"Sure thing Rukia."

"Ichigo I'm over here," Rukia deadpanned from behind him.

He did a double take and saw that it was actually Hisana who had thanked him.

"We really need a way to tell you two apart," he murmured.

Hisana hiccupped.

"How about the fact that I'm not drunk right now?"

"Yeah, that would about do it. Speaking of which…" He turned to Matsumoto, "Hey Rangiku, you're the expert on booze; how do we get Hisana sober quickly?"

He realized his mistake the instant he posed the question.

"What's 'sober'?" she asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Isane," he turned to the still cowering doctor in the corner, "come over here and help me with her."

"Hai!" Isane cheered, happy to be let out of the corner. She took the drunken body double by the arm and led her out to the van.

"So what's going to happen to the Snugly Duckling now that the owners are dead?" Renji wondered.

"I believe I can help you with that."

Everyone turned to see an emaciated looked man with white hair that reached all the way down to his ankles. He was being supported by a gentle looking woman with a braid that hung down the front of her shirt that was almost as long as the man's hair.

"Ukitake-taichou?" the KPD gasped.

"And Unohana-sensei," Kiyone said. "What are you guys doing here?"

"I thought you were supposed to be in triple lockdown in the hospital for not taking your meds," Tatsuki pointed out.

"I was feeling generous today," Unohana Retsu-sensei shrugged. "Besides, I felt he suffered enough of my month long laxative therapy."

Ukitake shuddered violently.

"OK," Tatsuki said, "but what are you doing _here_?"

"Did you bring any presents?" Matsumoto asked, hopping up and down like an excited rabbit at a carrot convention.

"I saw this place on my way to the station and thought it looked interesting," he explained. "After all, with a name like 'The Snugly Duckling', how could it be anything bad?"

"You'd be surprised…" Rukia said wryly. Then she went over and offered her hand, "I'm Kuchiki Rukia, pleased to meet you."

"The pleasure's all mine," he said, shaking her hand. "How are you enjoying-" He stopped, suddenly spying Nel making a little tower out of all the loose change on the floor.

He gushed like no tomorrow, getting all doe-eyed.

"And just what is your name, wittle girl?"

"My name's Nel," Nel said, looking up from her tower, "and could you not talk like that? It's kinda scawy…"

"Jushrio, leave the poor girl alone," Unohana said, smiling gently.

Ukitake felt a wave of unimaginable dread wash over him.

"Sorry," he apologized, "you know how I get around children."

"Putting your creepy pedoness aside," Yumichika said, "what did you mean when you said you could help with the bar?"

"You actually hit pretty close to home," the ailing captain said. "When I heard you say that the previous owners were dead I figured I'd try my hand at running a bar." He shrugged, "It couldn't be any worse than hanging out with you guys!" He looked over at Rukia, "No offense."

"None taken," she said.

"By the way," he told Rukia as she went to see if Ichigo was alright, "the two of you make a very handsome couple."

Ichigo and Rukia blushed, looked at each other, and blushed some more.

"Wanna make it official and get everyone off our cases?" Ichigo proposed.

"You know," Rukia said, wrapping her arms around the orange haired cop, "I thought you'd never ask." She reached up and kissed him, having the gesture reciprocated in kind.

"_Awww!~"_ the entire bar said.

"Come on gang," Ichigo said, arm around his now girlfriend (!), "let's all head back to the station."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there you have it folk; the Espada are all spare change (except for Nel), Ichigo and Rukia are officially a couple, and Matsumoto is still piss blind drunk. Now all that's left is to sober up Hisana and send her home with honors. After that, it's anyone's guess what will happen. I have a lot of good ideas waiting, and one of them might be the scenario one of you readers gave me. _

_And just another heads up, I will not be writing any new material after October 31st. I'm going to focus all my efforts and resources on NaNoWriMo, so you might have to wait for December for any new content. Hopefully I'll get enough done before then so that I can still post stuff to keep you hounds at bay._


	46. Don't say goodbye

_The last chapter was written like modern writer William Gibson, most well known for his book Neuromancer._

_Heyo, and welcome to the last chapter of the Mott Milgrim arc. We must now say goodbye to Hisana Slartybartfast; since all the Espada are dead (save for Nel) she doesn't need to hide out anymore. _

_After this chapter it'll just be a bunch of one shot chapters until I can think of something else I can stretch. So keep sending in ideas, and read some of my other stuff until then, will ya? _

_Final reminder; I will be taking a Hiatus for the month of November to work on an original short novel for NaNoWriMo. I might post one or two chapters for this story during that time, but that's only if I can finish them by Halloween. (On a related note, that Halloween special thing fell through. Sorry to everyone who got their hopes up about it). _

_Now on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Do you weally hafta go?" Nel sobbed, clutching the legs of Hisana/Rukia's white pants.

"Yeah," Renji agreed, "I just got used to the fact that the two of you look exactly alike!" He gestured to the two identical women.

"Yes, I'm afraid I do." Hisana had just completed the Twelve Steps Program (here meaning Tatsuki stepped on her twelve times before she agreed to sober up) and had resolved to face the music (and nuclear fallout) back in Hueco Mundo. "There are many people I have to find and apologize to for running off like I did."

"Can't you stay a little bit longer?" Rukia pleaded. "We were all going to go out for sushi to celebrate me and Ichigo finally getting together; it would be a shame if you weren't there."

"You kind of where the reason we made that decision in the first place," Ichigo added, taking hold of Rukia's hand.

"I wouldn't go that far…" Hisana said, blushing a bit.

"I was kind of hoping you'd stay around for the Division Ping-Pong Tournament next week," Kiyone said. "Our team's still short a player, and with the way you creamed me yesterday I doubt anyone would mind if you filled in."

"Which player is missing?" Yumichika asked. He was vice captain of the team.

"Izuru Kira," Kiyone explained, "he called the other day saying that his mother threw her hip out and wouldn't be able to drive him anywhere for the next month or so."

"Dammit! He was supposed to be our secret weapon!"

"Don't get your panties in a wad," Tatsuki exasperated, "I'll play with you guys."

"I'm kinda gonna miss how clean this place was," Ikkaku sighed, "almost made me consider moving out of the bathroom."

Everyone turned to stare at the bald headed police officer.

"And this is why I don't," he said, stomping off to said bathroom and locking himself in.

A moment later the sound of flushing water was heard.

"I'm sad that I'm going to loo- *sniff* loose another drinking buddyyy!" Matsumoto sobbed, crying into her booze (which she drank anyway).

"There, there," Rukia said, moving over to Matsumoto and patting her back comfortingly.

"I'm glad you were there to help me taking care of Nel after her transformation," Isane said.

"It was really no trouble at all," Hisana said, giving Isane a sisterly hug, "I got more than enough experience with that back in Hueco Mundo."

"Speaking of which," Tatsuki said, "what was your relationship with these guys exactly? I don't think you ever really explained that to us."

"I suppose that's the least I can do before I leave. Well, I guess it was a series of weird relationships on after another. Grimmjow and Nnoitra I'm sure you've already heard about, and you've seen for yourselves what an ass Ulquiorra was. Loly and Menoly were a phase I went through for one night," Tatsuki bristled noticeably at the mention of the wild lesbians, "after which I sought out Starrk. That turned out to be an abysmal failure…"

"How so?" Kiyone wondered.

"He kind of fell unconscious the moment he even looked at a bed."

Matsumoto hiccupped.

"I actually met Neliel last, after everyone else fell through; I was able to lay all my troubles on her that night, and talking with her actually help me decide to go on the run like I did." She turned to Matsumoto and Isane, "By the way, I'm sorry for barreling into you guys when I first came through; they were right behind me then and I was frantic."

"No harm done," Isane assured her, "I've actually had worse."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Isane: *asleep on the floor, snoring* _

_Ikkaku: *balancing on the desk above her* "You guys ready?" _

_Ichigo: "Rodger."_

_Tatsuki: "Damn straight!"_

_Kiyone: "This is gonna be fun!"_

_Renji: "You know she's going to hate us for this, right?"_

_Matsumoto: "*hic!*"_

_Renji: "Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say…"_

_Ikkaku: "On the count of three…THREE!" _

_*everyone jumps onto Isane, who chooses that precise moment to wake up* _

_Isane: "KYAAAHHH!" _

_Yumichika: *filing his cricket's nails* "I can't believe they actually did that."_

_Hanatarou: "I know, they usually wait until I'm in the line of fire before they jump. Not that I'm complaining or anything…" _

_*Hanatarou suddenly gets run over by a train* _

_Hantarou: "But the trains don't even run at this hour…" *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Sometimes one right after the other…"

Yumichika's cricket chirped from under a pile of paperwork on Matsumoto's desk.

"That's…nice?" Hisana turned back to the rest of the force, "Despite whatever crazy antics I might have done I really am grateful for all the help you gave me." The she turned to Rukia and smiled apologetically, "And I really am sorry for using you as a scapegoat to avoid those jerks; I was selfish and just wanted to save my own skin."

"Stop apologizing already," Rukia chided, "I probably would have done something similar if I were in your place."

"Actually," Ichigo corrected, "you would have looked for a way to keep other poor saps from getting caught up in your problems."

"Oh, you know me so well,~" Rukia cooed, stretching up to give her boyfriend a peck on the nose.

"Oh get a room!" Renji said, annoyed, "I don't care that you two are together now, but do it somewhere where you won't remind us single people about it would ya?"

"What's the matter Ferny?" Ichigo teased, "Couldn't find a girl who liked your tats that didn't have ten of her own to match?"

Renji flipped him the bird.

"I really should be going now," Hisana said, jerking her thumb behind her, "the portal isn't going to stay open forever."

"DON'T _LEEEAAAVE_!" Nel wailed in a comically exaggerated fashion, holding onto Hisana's pants for all she was worth. "You're de only one I can talk with on an intellectual level!"

"Don't worry," Hisana told the little munchkin as she pried her off her leg, "I'll come back and visit once in a while."

"You pwomise?" Nel sniffed.

"Double promise!~"

"OK den!" Nel said, instantly cheering up.

Told you she bounced back fast.

"Before you go, mind telling us what your real name is?" Tatsuki asked.

"Rukia Slartybartfast."

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"…Seriously?" Tatsuki sweatdropped.

"Yeah, I'm thinking about changing it," she said sheepishly.

"Safe journey!" Isane called from a more than safe distance away from the portal.

Hisana smiled, then extended her hand towards the portal. It flared to life and she began walking towards it purposefully…

Only to slip on a banana peel and stumble head first into the portal.

"Oh you little (bleep)!" she could be heard swearing on the other side. "You (bleep)ing sonuva(bleep)ing (bleep, bleep)! I'm going to tear off your (booop) and shove them right up your (bleep, bleepbleep, bleep) and then (bleep, bleepbleep, bleep, bleep) on your (bleep, blrrr, bleep, bleep) with (bleep, bleep, bleep) in the (bleep, bleeep) and (bleep, blee-bluh-blee-blee-bleep) your (bleepbleepbleep, bleeep) so then you'll have to (bleep) sideways! (bleep)!"

At that moment the portal vanished, leaving only the micro-climate that previously resided in the south-southwest corner of the KPD office.

No one said a word.

"So," Matsumoto asked, "are we going to throw Other Rukia a going away party?"

"She already left, Rangiku."

"…There's still going to be booze, right?"

Life continued on at the Karakura Police Department.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile, at 1313 Mockingbird Lane, Dr. Kurosutchi was working late in his laboratory.

"Nemu? Where are you, you sorry excuse for a maid! I still need a live test subject for this new formula; all the hamsters seem to have expired."

He wasn't having much success…

"Nemu, where- Oh, what's this?" He noticed a piece of paper sitting on one of his machines. He picked it up and read it.

"_Master Kurosutchi,"_ it began, _"I am out with my friend Orihime tonight and will not be home until late. Do not worry, I have stored all the specimens in the proper conditions, and have prepared the Interociter and the Trentonocinator for testing as you requested earlier. There is cold pizza in the 'fridge in case you get hungry later. –Nemu." _

"Well that explains that…" he said, before noticing a post script at the bottom of the paper.

"_P.S., I thought we had an agreement about using me for live testing."_

"But how did she…? _Ah!_" He ignored it and went on with his work, deciding to test the Interociter first. He flipped a few switches before spying an empty beaker lying out of place. He twirled around to pick it up and accidentally knocked over a cup of water that had been sitting on the machine. The Interociter began to spark and sizzle and smoke violently.

"Oh, this isn't good," he said flatly as the machine began to get more and more violent. Then…

KABOOM!

AHOOGAH!

_To be continued…?_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Am I just a mean little stinker or what? Leaving off on a cliff hanger like that… Don't worry, I'm leading up to something; I wouldn't not give the readers closure. So let's just say the next chapter will be…interesting…_

_I may be working exclusively on my NaNoWriMo story for the month of November, but I still love getting reviews, not to mention potential new ideas for this story. So send away!_


	47. Through the Looking Glass

_The last chapter was written like David Foster Wallace, who tragically took his own life in 2008, leaving an unfinished book. So please take one minute of silence to honor his memory. _

_Assuming you just did as I suggested before then I can finally get on to the funny! (Not to belittle the tragedy in any way of course.) _

_As I implied last time, this chapter is going to be interesting. Without giving anything important away, I guess you could say this is an alternate universe version of the KPD. You'll see what I mean in a moment. _

_As always, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Alright everyone, listen up!" straight laced Lieutenant Matsumoto Rangiku said to the rest of the motley crew of police officers of the Karakura Police Department.

Nobody paid attention to her.

She reached into her desk and pulled out a revolver, pointing it at the ceiling and emptying it of the six rounds it was loaded with.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! This got their attention.

Also, six birds fell to the floor around the busty Acting Captain.

"_Geez_ Rangiku," Ikkaku said, sticking his fingers in his ears, "what're you trying to do, bring the place down on us?"

"Not so loud!" Yumichika whined, holding his head, "I have a hangover…"

"You _always_ have a hangover," midget cop Rukia said from a few desks over. "It's like if you're not hung over then you're not alive or something."

"Could somebody _please_ clean those birds off the floor?" Kiyone asked timidly. She was sitting on an office chair, knees pressed to her chin. "I'd rather not die of dysentery any time soon."

"I have to agree with "Shivers" over there," Tatsuki said, hiding behind a makeup case, "they're _icky_!"

"Why this one?" Abarai Renji said to no one inparticular, "Of all the precincts I could have been assigned to did I have to get _this_ one?"

"You got a problem with us, Tomato Head?" Ichigo growled ominously, glaring at the red headed rookie cop.

"And what if I do, huh Strawberry?" Renji retorted.

Ichigo's rage was _tangible_ now.

Renji shrunk back in his seat.

"Ichigo kind of has a bit of a temper," Kotetsu Isane whispered.

"If we can all stop harassing the new guy for three seconds," Matsumoto continued, "I'd like go get to these announcements?"

"Now?" Tatsuki whined, "But I was just about to do my nails!"

"No excuses!" Matsumoto barked. She flipped out the paper she held, "First item; who the [censor] has been drinking all the-"

"*hic!*"

Yumichika hiccupped.

"…beer." Matsumoto sweatdropped heavily. Then she shook it off and addressed the rest of her captive audience, "Need I remind you all about my 'No Drinking on the Job' policy?" She looked at the next item, "Second; I've noticed a few…_'personal items'_ laying around the office." She held up a manga with a picture of two teenage boys lying in the grass, looking at each other tenderly. "I like _Wild Hearts Quarterly; B Side_ as much as the next person, but _please_ keep better track of it?" She tossed the volume to Rukia.

"I didn't know you liked that stuff," Renji commented.

"A FRIEND LOANED IT TO ME!" she cried, blushing as red as Renji's hair.

Quincy the hamster's exercise wheel squeaked.

"…Moving on…Ah! The DA finally approved the purchase of a new police van."

Everyone groaned. (Thought Yumichika's was due to the pounding in his head.)

"What? I thought you guys would be happy about that."

"But we have a lot of fond memories with that van," Rukia said somberly. "I still have to find that pair of heels I lost in there last month."

"What do you need heels for?" Isane asked.

"Are you saying I'm so small I couldn't reach the top of a short stack pancakes, even _with_ heels!"

Rukia kind of had a complex about her height.

"That…wasn't what I meant in the least; it's just kind of that you're always in the bathroom, and…"

"You don't know me!" she wailed, rushing out of the room in comically exaggerated tears.

A moment later the sound of flushing water could be heard.

"Is she always like this?" Renji wondered.

"Only on Tuesdays," Ichigo said.

"Isn't it was Saturday today?" Tatsuki asked.

For some reason everyone got this strange sense of Déjà-vu.

Like usual, they ignored it.

"Anyways, next, it looks like-"

The phone rang, interrupting the buxom blond lieutenant. She sighed in resignation and picked it up.

"Hello? Yeah…no, we haven't had any in months. …Only twice, once during Hanukah. Oh, three times. …But we don't even _like_ that movie! I… Look, how hard could it be to- No, no I suppose not…Yes, right away. Tell her good luck in Yugoslavia for me. OK, bye."

"Who was that?" Yumichika asked halfheartedly as Matsumoto hung up the phone.

"Don't know, but apparently there's a dead body down at the Urahara Shoten."

Tatsuki's pet cricket chirped. (Yumichika moaned a little bit at the noise.)

"Get moving!" the Lieutentant shouted. "What do you think I pay you clowns for?"

"You don't pay us at all," Isane _oh_ so smartly pointed out.

"NOW!"

In three second the station was empty of officers.

Five second after that Rukia poked her head out of the bathroom.

"Hey, where did everyone go?"

Matsumoto stormed back in, grabbed the diminutive policewoman by the ear, and dragged her out to the van with the others.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

At the Urahara Shoten the owner, an Urahara Kisuke, was standing over the body with the fine officers of the KPD.

"I just woke up and found it here," the store owner said, scratching the back of his leg with his geta sandles, "I don't even recognize the poor sap!"

"Do you remember what you doing last night?" Matsumoto asked, writing in a notebook.

"I don't even remember what I had for breakfast five minutes ago," he said, absently wiping a stray Cheerio from his Five O'clock Shadow. "If I were anywhere then I was asleep in bed."

"Can anyone confirm that?"

"My girlfriend," he said, grinning serenely.

"You know," Matsumoto turned to the other cops, "you guys could actually contribute here or something!"

They were all browsing the store.

"Shut up!" Yumichika moaned, "I'm looking for some eki-kyabe."

"And I'm checking out this 'Firecracker Pocky' stuff," Isane said as she held up a box, shaking it for emphasis. As she shook it, one of the Pocky sticks fell out of the box and cracked apart on the floor. It exploded a moment later, causing the silver haired policewoman to drop the whole box in surprise.

Which resulted in an even bigger explosion.

"You're paying for that!" Urahara said, not even missing a beat.

"Has anyone seen Kiyone?" Ikkaki asked, looking around for the neurotic towhead.

Everyone pointed up.

He looked up and saw the second shortest member of the KPD clinging to the light fixture for all she was worth.

"Do I even want to know how she got up there?" he asked.

"I could probably tell you how she did it," Urahara offered, "Yoruichi does it all the time whenever a truck passes by."

The only sound heard was the creaking of the light fixture Kiyone was hanging from.

"God_dammit_ Kiyone!" Ichigo exasperated, "Grow a pair, would ya?"

"Come on Sis," Isane tried, "the big bad boom noise isn't going to hurt you any more."

Kiyone whimpered a little.

"I don't see what the big deal is," Rukia shrugged. She turned to Urahara, "You've got a ladder or something, right?"

"Would you believe I got rid of it the other day?" he said, scratching it nervously.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou: *leaving the Urahara Shoten* "Thanks again Mr. Urahara, I'll tell everyone you said hi."_

_*he walks under a ladder, and gets run over by twenty preschoolers on Big Wheels*_

_Hanatarou: "Damn…superstition…" *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"It was bad Juju."

"So _that's_ what happened to Droopy," Tatsuki realized. "I thought he just went on vacation."

"You mean like all those other times he went on vacation after having a serious accident?" Matsumoto asked flatly.

"Yeah!" Then it hit her, "Oh…"

"Well I say this for you guys," Renji said, "you sure know how to throw a hell of a welcome party."

"I knew this was a bad time to stop drinking," Matsumoto recited, holding her head in shame.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Kurosutchi Mayuri popped out from underneath the Interociter covered in grease and tangled in wires.

"Yes!" he exclaimed, "I knew I could bypass the flux capacitor if I rerouted the paraffin feed around the muffler exhaust!" He pulled himself completely out and began flipping switches. Eventually all the indicator lights turned green.

"Well," he sighed, "here goes nothing…" He popped open a panel and turned a dial.

*click*

KABOOM!

SKWONKY!

_To be continued…again…_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Oops, I did it again!_

_Sorry, it just kind of slipped out… I promise it won't happen again. _

_Anyways, this is about as far as I got before Halloween, so new chapters are going to have to wait for December to roll around. I should be hard at work on my NaNo story by now, and any support would be greatly appreciated. _

_And who knows? Maybe I can scrounge up one more chapter for you guys sooner…_


	48. Comment Special Omake

_**Cold Fuzz Comment Special!**_

Rukia: Hey there everyone, and welcome to this special chapter of Cold Fuzz!

Matsumoto: *hic!* What's special about it?

Rukia: I'm actually glad you asked Rangiku, because today the Author is doing something a little different...

Matsumoto: …

Rukia: …

Matsumoto: …

Rukia: …

Matsumoto: ...

The rest of the KPD: JUST [censor]ING TELL US ALREADY!

Rukia: AACK! Fine I'll tell you... He's doing, wait for it... *insert drum roll here* a comment special!

Ikkaku: The hell's a "comment special"?

Tatsuki: *smacks Ikkaku's head* It's when someone takes a bunch of reviews and makes fun of them, _duh!_

Renji: Yeah, that's about it in a nutshell.

Rukia: Um, guys? Could I-

Yumichika: You're all so uncouth; we don't make fun of them, we address them with professionalism and acknowledge whatever insightful opinion the reviewer makes.

Yumichika's cricket: *chirps*

*Tatsuki, Ikkaku, Renji, and Kiyone burst out laughing*

Kiyone: Yeah, sure, that's a good one Yumi-kun!

Matsumoto: ...What's so funny?

Isane: Actually guys, Yumichika's right about-

Ichigo: Will all of you shut up? Rukia was still talking.

Rukia: Thanks Ichigo...

Ichigo: *gives Rukia a peck on the forehead* No problem.

Ikkaku: Geez, ever since the two of you became an item you've been totally head over heels for each other.

Ichigo: I'm gonna acquaint you head my heel if you give it a rest already!

Ikkaku: You wanna take this out in the parking lot, mother[censor]er?

Ichigo: Ladies first!

Rukia: Um, OK...while Ikkaku and my boyfriend are..."having a little chat", I'm just going to start with the first comment, OK? *the rest of the KPD nods their consent* Alright then, let's see what the first review here is...

_Alex McMullen: "Such a hilarious start, I know it will a fun ride. Keep up the good work." chpt.1. _

Isane: It should be noted that McMullen-sama is one of this Author's most loyal reviewers and is a great person to bounce ideas off of. *bows* The Layman thanks you once again for bothering to befriend him.

Kiyone: Why so formal, Sis?

Isane: Because he's a very important friend to the Author, important enough that he would trust him to write _two_ whole chapters for this story! Not to mention all the jokes the Author still uses that McMullen-sama put in those chapters.

Tatsuki: Oh please, we don't use _that_ many jokes that this "McMullet" thought of.

Kiyone: Yes we do!

Tatsuki: Prove it!

Kiyone: Well, uh...you're a dick!

Tatsuki: No, _you're_ a dick!

Kiyone: No, _you're _a dick!

Tatsuki: No, _you're_ a dick!

Kiyone: No, _you're_ a dick!

Matsumoto: No, _your_ dick!

Rukia: *sweatdrops* ...Moving on...

_C.A.M.E.O.1. and Only: "LOL! Kenpachi, I expected as much. He spoils his little girl silly, doesn't he?...SO CUTE!...I'd like to see them arrest an Espada next. LOL! I can see Grimmjow speeding, and I can see Ulquiorra dealing something...HAHAHA!...I'm getting ahead of myself. Poor Hanatarou...NO ONE LOVES THE POOR LOSER!" chpt.3._

Isane: C.A.M.E.O.1. and Only is also a loyal reviewer who's been with the story since it's beginning and has even toyed with the idea of doing a live action version of Cold Fuzz for a while.

Rukia: Isane? I don't think people really want to know this random stuff about the reviewers...

Isane: But this is important! These people have stay with this story longer than most other regular reviewers and should be thanked for it! Besides, doesn't the Author himself say that the Reviewers are what keep this story going?

Renji: Pfft! Please, Like he would _ever_ say anything like _that_!

Isane: *eyes widen and glisten with tears*

Rukia: *sighs* Renji, please stop making Isane cry...go sit in the corner.

Renji: Oh come on, I wasn't-

Rukia: Corner. _Now._

Renji: But I-

Rukia: **SIT.**

Renji: *plops himself down in corner*

Rukia: *sighs again* Man, I'm loosing fellow officers left and right...Where am I going to find someone else to host this special with?

Matsumoto: *hic!*

Rukia: ...Where am I going to find someone _else_ to host this special with?

Nel: Hey, Itsygo's girlfwiend!

Rukia: Oh, hi there Nel, what are you doing here?

Nel: Well, da Author wanted to put me in da story for good afterw the ting with de Espada, so here I am!

Rukia: Would you like to read the next review?

Nel: Sure ting! Ahem...

_Ragnarok Warrior: "I know there have been a lot of twists in this story but try not to make the apocalypse one of them, okay? _

_ I believe Nel was created using the shoddily taped together mold that Matsumoto broke when she stumbled out of it hammered. Either that or God has a bit more in common with the two of them concerning alcohol. _

_ My first thought about Rukia in the pocket was "I'll join you because Mayuri scares the shi-"_

Isane: _NNNOOO!_ *grabs the paper away from Nel, crosses something out, writes something over it, and hands it back to Nel* There you go Honey, read it now.

Nel: *sweatdrops* Sure...

_ "-because Mayuri scares the "poop" out of me. My second was "Oh my God it's like the Tardis!" My third thought compared Rukia to a baby Kangaroo. I honestly believe my thought process should belong in this fic._

_ Smart Ikkaku scares me, make him go away!" chpt.41._

Ikkaku: WHAT! I am _not_ smart!

Rukia: …

Nel: …

Isane: ...

Tatsuki: …

Ichigo: …

Matsumoto: ...*hic!*

Ikkaku: What?

Ichigo: You know what? I'm just gonna let you figure that one out by yourself.

Ikkaku: Don't mind if I do! *adopts a hard thinking pose*

Nel: *stage whispers to Rukia* He's going to be like dat a while, isn't he?

Rukia: I think so... Might as well do the next review.

Nel: Ooh! Can I pick the next one?

Rukia: Go right ahead.

Nel: Yay! Now let's see here... Ah!

_Nightkill: "Oh my god. Nel's awsome. XD" chpt.41._

Tatsuki: You just picked that one because it was about you, didn't you?

Nel: Yup! *makes peace sign*

Tatsuki: *mutters* Cocky little munchkin...

Matsumoto: *waves hand* Can I pick one?

Rukia: Um...I don't see why not?

Matsumoto: *hic!* Yay!

_Ragnarok Warrior: "*SNIFF*_

_ *Slams on the table with bloodshot eyes*_

_ God Damn that is some good crack. I nor know what an acid trip feels like. With dreams like this how is she not the most batshit member of the KPD? How about a chapter that goes down that route?_

_ And what the fuck is Floyd talking about? I'd give my right leg to see Isane in lace and both legs for her to strip. Not my arms and hands though, I need those."_

Isane: *blushing furiously*

Rukia: *bugeyes*

Nel: *bugeyes*

Tatsuki: *bugeyes*

Ichigo: *bugeyes*

Ikkaku: *still thinking*

Rukia: How-

Isane: I HAVE WEIRD DREAMS, OK?

Rukia: ...Moving on...?

_LoneWandererWings: "WTF! How the hell is there a micro climate in the corner in a police office which was a giant cloud? Then the cloud speeds up time by a major sending three hours to a week in it's own time zone? How the hell out of all people is Ikkaku scared so badly and by KITTENS! AND OUT OF ALL THIS I ONLY HAVE ONE THING TO SAY...Great job! Everything fitted so well and made me laugh like crazy! Overall 10/10" chpt.4._

Ichigo: When did all that happen?

Tatsuki: It was before you started working again. Like, a month or so before Rangiku's blind date.

Matsumoto: I went on a date with a blind guy?

Tatsuki: Uh, yeah, sure...

Urahara: Hey guy, can I join in?

Tatsuki: Hat 'n Clogs, when did you get here?

Nel: Yourw hat looks funny.

Urahara: Just a little while ago; I actually saw Yumichika leaving the building.

Ichigo: Oh yeah, I wondered where he went.

Urahara: Said he had a perm he needed to get to. Anyways, I have a turn?

Rukia: I suppose so?

Urahara: Thanks! Now let's see...ah! Here's one. "That Urahara is always so witty, he's my favorite character EVER! In fact, you should drop those other characters and just make the story about him; it could be called "The Amazing Tale of how the Mighty Urahara Kisuke became the God of the New World and everybody loved Him! And-"

Tatsuki: Lemme see that! *grabs paper from Urahara and reads it* What the- You wrote this yourself, didn't you?

Urahara: *with fox ears* I have no idea what you mean. *waves fan in front of mouth*

Tatsuki: Tatsuki Special Attack; Dragon Super Kick! *launches Urahara out the window*

Urahara: I'm comin' Yoruichiii!

Tatsuki: _I'm_ doing one now.

_Animekisses: "About damn time somebody killed those two. And it's nice to see that Tatsuki got to kill some more lesbians, she deserves her therapy time. And curse you for your cliffhangers! LOL can't wait for the next chapter!" chpt.43._

Tatsuki: Hah! That's how it's done!

Renji: You know, sometimes I think she gets _waaay_ into it when she talks about killing lesbians.

Isane: Did something happen in your past that caused you to start thinking this way?

Tatsuki: ...In reference to what?

Ichigo: Wait a minute, what happened to Kiyone? I thought you and her were fighting.

Tatsuki: Oh, we resolved it. She just decided to stay outside for a while. *Tatsuki points out of the hole she made a moment ago*

*the KPD look out the hole and see a pixelated blur with short blond hair lying on the ground*

Isane: Kiyone! *runs over to her sister*

Rukia: Um, I think we should probably end this now; Kiyone looks like she needs serious medical attention...

Isane: *from outside* How do legs even bend like this?

_Well, I say we leave these guys to take care of this little problem on their own, shall we? In the mean time, I'd like to take the time to personally thank everyone who review (and by definition "read") this story, even if it was only once; CJ, RagamuffinBabyDoll, anime-obsessed-chick-55, KrazyKyubi, ArtemisADale, TheAwesomeRandom, and author in the making123, everyone else I mentioned in this chapter, and one person who did not leave a name with their review. You all have been integral in keeping this story alive, and you all have my deepest gratitude for it. _

_And as a special treat, I now present to you a review by the inestimable Kiba Wolf, who is the author of the _hilarious _Bleach Weekly Tabloid. (This is the story the inspired the Everyman chapters, in case you might have missed that bit.) Her reviews are always funny, and should be a chapter in and of themselves. Here is the last one she gave. (Kiba, if you're reading this, please review more?)_

Kiba Wolf:

Hi! We're BLEACH Weekly Tabloid and we're reviewing your story! On a totally unrelated note Kiba Wolf finally passed out from pure exhaustion, meaning we probably won't make a weekly appearance tomorrow, which in turn will cause another down-turn in the magazine!

Moving on!

Your author's notes impress us with their level of usefulness!

What place doesn't have a stable police force? We could tell you, but then we'd have to kill you!

Brave is a loosely used term! Incompetent or useless could also be used in place of it!

The second line makes more sense! No wait that's the fourth line!

"Justice."

Tosen get the [censor] out of our review!

Ichigo Kurosaki: Hey what are you guys doing?

BWT: Get out of the review box! All of you! Even you Aizen!

IK: Wait, wait. Are you being serious for once?

Rukia Kuchiki: Besides, why should we leave? You always bug us and never leave when we ask.

BWT: This really isn't working!

IK: Oh hey is that the one story with the one thing?

BWT: It's the story with a lot of IchiRuki in it (for a comedy).

RK: Did you just talk in parentheses again?

IK: Ohh! I love IchiRuki stories!

RK: …

BWT: Moving back into the review now!

We doubt their ability to survive a great ordeal let alone find one! One member lost to insanity will soon grow to two!

We tried yoga once! Ironically enough our kidneys just ended up where our liver had been! We're still not sure where our liver went!

IK: Don't you mean 'livers' since there's more than one of you?

BWT: ...Shut the [censor] up.

IK: Fine, geez.

"'I think my appendix ruptured!' cried Ichigo, rolling around in pain." That's funnier than anything we've ever come up with; we should steal it!

This is why we never introduced yoga to the Soul Society or Hueco Mundo, even if it would mean a great what-if chapter! Dead people are no fun to interview! Not that we would know!

That cricket is clearly plotting world domination! With Matsumoto as his wisecracking (without knowing) assistant!

Also the fact that she has great bo-bby pin usage abilities helps!

Normal there is what normal is in our world!

IK: Insanity and the death of bunnies?

RK: …!

BWT: We told you to never speak of that!

IK: Whoa, okay, just put the gun down!

Moving right along!

We get viewer mail, but we choose not to respond to it! Oddly enough our subscriber count continues to go up!

We have money on the less shrimp-y and more physically healthy Kotetsu!

Edward Elric: Who are you calling so short you can't even see him with a magnifying glass?

BWT: Whoa, whoa. Wrong anime/manga category!

EE: Eh? Oh, my bad. Well, I'm headed over to Ouran Host Club to play my other highly renowned role of Tamaki Suoh.

BWT: ...We're not even sure how to go about commenting on that!

Hanataro deserves a chapter in our story as well, much like the last one we published: Everybody Hates Hanataro! Doesn't it just roll off the tongue?

So that's why he was walking around in broad daylight despite knowingly putting himself in danger! Ironically enough, after looking at some of the Bleach hairstyles, we're really not surprised that some of them would risk life and limb for their hair gel! We want what Kenpachi and Hitsugaya use!

Hmm... We wonder where Hanataro is nowadays! All of theses flashbacks must be leading up to something! That or we're just clichéd!

So Byakuya isn't the only one with a Shojo fetish... perhaps that issue should be re-visited.

Yay fourth wall breaking paradoxes!

"IT'S A NINTENDO 64! I've been waiting for this thing since I was eleven!" This story is gold! Why didn't we think of any of it!

IK: Maybe because you were too obsessed with using caps even when you should be using question marks instead.

BWT: Shut up Ichigo! No one would like you if you weren't the main character!

IK: Th-that's not true! Is it Rukia?

RK: Actually, I'd rather stay out of this one.

BWT: Moving on... again!

Cliffhangers are the demons of fan fiction!

So at the end of the day, we're BLEACH Weekly Tabloid, and we'd like to remind you: this story only gets better! _chapt.24._

_And there you have it! Well, that's about all I have time for; tune in soon for the 50th anniversary chapter! Trust me, there won't be another chapter like it! _

Ikkaku: ...WAIT A MINUTE!


	49. Cold Fuzz Christmas Special!

_Layman here, bringing you all an extra special Christmas chapter of Cold Fuzz. Hooray! Anyways, I'll just get right to it since I pretty much took November off. _

_Disclaimer; Bleach is the product of Kubo Tite-sama and is owned by Shonen Jump and Viz media. (Buy their products! They make great Christmas gifts!)_

_(Additional Note; I know I already posted this as a stand alone, but I'm doing it again anyways. It was actually the original plan to post it in the fic proper, but I didn't have enough of it done after "Arctic Thunder" was wrapped up. Now I do, so here y'all go, just in time for the holiday season!)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Ah Christmas, such a festive time of year! A time of Black Friday sales, gluttony, greed, and spending time with annoying relatives who you (thankfully) only see once a year and have to be putting up with them pinching your face, giving you socks and underwear, and sleepless nights as your family tries to cram twenty other people into your room.

But on the flip side it's also a time where, at least for one night, people put aside their differences and enjoy each other. A time of beauty as the world gets covered in a glittering sheet of newly fallen white snow. A time of unrivaled joy as you watch a young child's face light up when they receive the _one_ thing they've been wanting all year. And it's a time of unmatched majesty as people celebrate Jesus Christ's birth into the world as Savior.

For the KPD, it means it's time for the annual Christmas party and all the fun that comes with it.

"OK," Ichigo said, replacing his winter hat on his head, "everybody know who their Secret Santa is?"

"Yup!" chorused the female members of the KPD, waving their slips of paper as if to emphasize their point.

"Remind me again _why_ we're doing this?" complained Yumichika.

"Because we do this _every_ year," Renji explained. "It's been a Force tradition for as long as we've been around. Besides, we did it last year!"

"I wasn't there, remember?"

"Oh yeah, you're right," said Ikkaku, remembering the last Christmas they had.

"I wasn't there either," Rukia pointed out, "what was it like?"

"Oh, it was great," Ichigo said, "we had tons of food-"

"And booze!" Matsumoto cried.

"-dancers-"

"We didn't have any dancers last year," Tatsuki corrected.

"Sure we did," counted Kiyone. "What about your friend Chizuru? She showed up."

"Yeah," Tatsuki growled, "except she was supposed to be in a cell until after new years."

"Why was that again?" wondered Isane.

"Because I felt this town _really_ needed a break from her. It was my Christmas gift to Karakura."

"I was actually surprised; she left with all her bones intact," Yumichika commented.

"Too bad it didn't last…" Renji sighed, remembering the night all to well.

"Why?" asked Rukia, "what happened?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Tatsuki; "…And stay out!" _

_Isane; "Don't you think you were a little rude to her, Tatsuki?" _

_Tatsuki; "I don't know what it is about her, but something about her just really ticks me off." *Tatsuki's cell phone rings* "Hello? Oh, hi Hime-chan. …You're where? Ok, I'll come pick you up." *hangs up* "I'll be right back, guys; I have to go drive a friend of mine home." _

_*Tatsuki leaves and drives to the bar where Orihime said she'd be. She spots her stumbling along the sidewalk*_

_Inoue Orihime; *is piss-blind drunk* "Wow, I am so plastered; I think I'll take a shortcut home through this dark, sketchy looking alley. I'm sure it's perfectly safe. *hic*"_

_Orihime walks down the alley until she meets a shady looking woman blocking her path._

_Chizuru; *dripping with innuendo* "Hey there cutie, want to have a good time?" _

_Orihime; "But I *hic* don't even know you. *hic*" _

_Chizuru; *cuddles Orihime* "Mm, that's aright, you'll know me reaaaaally well after tonight."_

_Tatsuki; *out of nowhere* "Arisawa Special Attack; Dragon Super Kick!" *sends Chizuru flying* "I thought you knew better than to try anything on my watch, you damn lesbian hooker!" _

_Chizuru; *head swirling* "Oro...thank you for your patronage please come again!"_

_*Tatsuki proceeds to beat the crap out of Chizuru.*_

_Tatsuki; "Merry f**king Christmas, hooker!"_

_/_/_/_/ _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"It's not really important right now…"

"Hey, remember what happened to Hanatarou before that?" asked Kiyone.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Ikkaku; "Here ya go man, I got you a present!" _

_Hanatarou; "Thanks, Madarame-kun. What is it?"_

_Ikkaku; *sniggers* "You'll have to open it up and see." _

_Hanatarou; *shakes it, then puts it up to his ear* I can hear ticking… Is it an alarm clock?"_

_Ikkaku; *barely keeping it together now* "Oh, it'll wake you up, alright…"_

_*bomb explodes. When the smoke clears, Hanatarou is covered in ash and his hair is blown back*_

_Hanatarou; "*cough*, God bless us, everyone…" *falls over*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Ikkaku!" Rukia scolded. "That was just plain mean!"

"Yeah," chuckled the baldy in question, "but it was _totally_ funny as hell! Besides, it was only a stink bomb."

"That still doesn't make it right! He could have been seriously injured or something!"

"Hey, here's an idea," Renji said, trying to derail the argument, (he was personally siding with Ikkaku on this one), "why don't we all go around and say our favorite Christmas memory?"

"Sounds like a good idea to me," Kiyone agreed, "Why don't we go first, huh Sis?"

"Sure," Isane shrugged. "I remember this one time…"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Young Isane; "Okaa-san? Do we really have to have a _real _Christmas tree? It'll leave needles everywhere, and it stinks, and we'll just have to throw it out in a month, and on top of that I think I'm allergic to pine."_

_Young Kiyone; "'kaa-san, _please_ make Isane-chan stop complaining! I actually want to have a _real_ tree this year!"_

_Mrs. Kotetsu; "Isane-chan, don't worry; I'm sure having a real Christmas tree isn't as bad as all that."_

_Young Isane; "But what if it falls!"_

_Mrs. Kotetsu; "_Don't worry_, Isane-chan, nobody is going to get hurt because of a tree falling on them." _

_Mr. Kotetsu; *calls from car* "Hey everyone, I brought the tree!" *he begins to take it off the car when it slips and it falls on top of him*_

_*Isane throws up*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"That was a horrible Christmas!" Kiyone shouted. "'tou-san was in a cast for _two months_ because of that!"

"But it was the first time I proved that I was right," said Isane, a serene smile gracing her lips, "I remember you all listened to me a lot more after that…"

"Well, _Bah Humbug_ to you too!" Kiyone huffed and crossed her arms, turning her back to her sister, "I didn't even get the Nintendo 64 I asked for, either…"

"I have a happy Christmas memory!" Matsumoto piped in, bouncing in her seat and waving her hand like an eager fourth-grader.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Aizen Sosuke; "Rangiku, I'm giving you the night off tonight because you made more then your quota this month already." *tossed a bottle of saké at her feet* "Merry Christmas." _

_*After Aizen leaves, Matsumoto opens the bottle and drinks deeply, letting the alcohol wash away all the agony of her life*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

…

Somewhere amidst the Christmas decorations, Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"…What?" Matsumoto asked.

"That was your happiest Christmas memory?" Rukia wondered.

"Yeah, and it's also the reason I took up Professional Boozing."

"So the police thing is just a side job?"

"Ahh," sighed Matsumoto after taking a swig from the bottle she was holding, "yep, pretty much."

"You think _that's_ bad," Ichigo scoffed, "wait'll you hear what _my_ family did one year…"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Kurosaki Isshin; "Aw, come on, son!_

_Ichigo; "Dad, for the last frigging time, NO!" _

_Kurosaki Yuzu; "Pleeeeease, Ichigo! It's just no fun without you!"_

_Kurosaki Karin; "Don't bother; he'll just hog all the fun to himself, anyway. It's better if he doesn't join in."_

_Yuzu; "How can you say that, Karin? And after the promise we all made Mom…" _

_Ichigo; "ARGH! All right, I'll do it too! You happy?" _

_Isshin; *pats Ichigo on the back hard* "That's the spirit, son! I knew you wouldn't let us down!"_

_*The Kurosaki family proceeds to go outside and have a grand old time in the first fallen snow of the year making Snowmen, snow angels, sledding, and having snowball fights*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"OK," Renji said, "I'm confused; _how_ exactly is that worse than Matsumoto's Christmas again?"

"Because they guilt tripped me into doing it! There _totally_ would have been other snows."

"Did you have fun?" Rukia asked.

"That's beside the point," Ichigo retorted defensively.

"I don't see how; if you had fun then it wasn't all that bad." Ichigo just "humph"ed and sat down messily, pouting.

"So how about you, Yumi-chan?" Kiyone asked. "Any happy Christmas memories?"

"Are you kidding?" he gasped incredulously. "Holidays are basically just an excuse for the layperson to indulge in wanton gluttony; why would I have any happy memories about _that_?"

"*hic!*" Matsumoto eloquently pointed out.

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"You people are too depressing," Renji said, finally reaching his limit, "I'm not gonna let you guys ruin this holiday with all your melancholy." He cleared his throat, "Now, when I was ten…"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Young Renji; "Mom, Dad, wake up! It's Christmas morning!"_

_Mr. Abarai; *groggy* "Thanks for reminding us, son. Now go put your clothes on so we can open presents." _

_Young Renji; "Aye aye, Captain!" *runs of to get dressed*_

_Mr. Abarai; "Honey, remind me why we celebrate Christmas again?"_

_Mrs. Abarai; *resolutely* "So that we could see the joy on Renji's face when he opens his presents." *gets out of bed* "Now hurry up and put your clothes on so we can watch our son open presents." _

_*fifteen minutes pass, and everyone is dressed. After a hastily eaten breakfast, Renji dashes into the den and tears open his gifts*_

_Young Renji; "Oh wow! A tattoo kit!"_

_Mr. Abarai; *looks over at his wife* "I thought we weren't getting that for him?"_

_Mrs. Abarai; "Oh don't worry about it dear, we might as well let him get it out of his system now."_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"…And when I got older, I filled it out with the real thing."

"You know," wondered Isane, "I always wanted to know why you got those horrid things on your eyebrows."

"You're just jealous!" Renji sneered before turning to Rukia. "So how about you, Rukia? Any happy Christmas memories?"

"Well," she said, "there was this one time…"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Kuchiki Byakuya; "Merry Christmas Rukia." *hands Rukia a present*_

_Young Rukia; *gasps* "Thank you, Nii-sama!" *rips open present* "An art set! It's just what I wanted!" _

_Byakuya; "I'm glad you like it. It was the last one in stock as well."_

_Young Rukia; "Oh, Nii-sama!" *glomps him, then grabs another present. She opens it, then looks confused* "Mayonnaise?"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"You _sure_ like mayonnaise a lot," Kiyone pointed out.

"Your brother seems like a nice guy," Ichigo said, "if only _slightly_ strange…"

"Yeah," agreed Rukia, "he was always looking out for me. Our parents both had jobs, so they weren't home a lot of the time. He always made sure I ate right, he always took me to school, and he always made sure I kept up with my self defense classes."

"You took self defense?" Tatsuki marveled. "Are you any good?"

Rukia shrugged.

"They I say we put it to the test!" she announced. "Hey, Pachinko Ball!" she called, "Get over here!"

"I'm not coming!" Ikkaku hollered. "You called me _Pachinko Ball!_"

"Just get over here anyways; you could help me win a bet!" Tatsuki cajoled.

This perked Pachin- I mean _Ikkaku's_ interest.

"What's the bet?" he asked, finally coming over.

"To see if Rukia can take a punch like a man," Tatsuki lied, winking conspiratorially at Rukia out of the corner of her eye.

"What does the winner get?" Baldy wondered.

"Twenty bucks," Tatsuki said simply.

"That works for me," Ikkaku said as he would up a mighty punch.

Unfortunately, it never hit its mark as Rukia grabbed his arm and, in a series of complex twists, sent Ikkaku sprawling on the ground, whimpering for his mommy.

"Wow Rukia, you really _are_ good!" the Mohamed Ali of the KPD whistled.

"My spleen!" Ikkaku choked out.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

After playing a few more tricks on the gullible members of the Force, (i.e. getting Rukia and Ichigo together under a mistletoe, popping a paper bag behind Tatsuki and running like hell, and just generally messing with Matsumoto in her inebriated state), the intrepid police officers decided to turn in so they'd be well rested for Christmas morning tomorrow.

I know! They were actually being _responsible_!

Then again, they _are_ getting presents out of the deal…

Anyways, the next morning…

"WAKE UP YOU LAZY BUMS! DON'T YOU INGRATES KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD 'ON DUTY'? COME ON, GET YOUR LAZY ASSES OUT OF BED AND GET TO WORK; THE STREETS AREN'T GOING TO KEEP THEMSELVES SAFE HERE!"

"When did we get a drill sergeant installed?" Tatsuki wondered as she shuffled into the station rec room.

"We didn't," Renji said, rubbing sleep from his eyes, "it's this alarm clock I picked up the other day since the other one broke. They say it's absolutely foolproof."

"You just _had_ to pick the most _undignified_ method for waking us up, didn't you?" Yumichika griped.

"Are you _bakka_ just going to stand there arguing all day or are we going to start Christmas?" Kiyone asked, walking out in a pair of pink footie pajamas and holding a little stuffed lion.

"Did the Easter Bunny come yet?" Matsumoto asked, staggering into the rec room holding her head.

"I think you're confusing holidays there, Rangiku," said Ichigo as he entered the communal recreation area of the station after her.

"Can we open presents now?" Kiyone bounced up and down excitedly. "I want to see what I got this year!"

"Shouldn't we wait for the others?" Ichigo wondered. However, not seconds after he said that, he heard the sound of a toilet flushing, followed soon after by Ikkaku's proud entry.

Only here's the thing; he was wearing Long Johns.

As in legit, old-fashioned, _pink_ Long Johns. (They even had the butt flap in the back and everything!)

"What?" he asked as his cohorts just stared at him.

"Where did you find those things?" Tatsuki asked, flabbergasted. "1937?"

"I thought I knew you…," Yumichika sighed, facepalming.

"Let's just open presents!" Ikkaku shouted, his face reddening beyond belief.

"We can't yet," Renji explained, "we're still waiting on Rukia and Isane."

It turns out that they didn't have to wait long, because a few minutes later Rukia and Isane came into the room clad in their nightgowns. (Hey, at least it's better than what Chrome Dome was wearing.) After they snickered at Ikkaku they each found a seat near the tree.

Now the Annual Karakura Police Department Secret Santa Gift Exchange could finally begin.

"Here you go," said Renji as he handed Isane a gift bag. Isane flung the tissue paper away and held the gift up for all to see.

"Paper lunch bags?" Rukia wondered.

"For when I start hyperventilating," the medic explained. "Thank you Renji!"

"No problem," he shrugged, "now you go."

"OK." Isane grabbed a box from under the tree and handed it to Yumichika, "Here."

Yumichika methodically disassembled the wrapping and opened the lid of the box.

"A mirror for me," he said, taking a hand mirror out and placing it on a table, "and one for my cricket. This is the most beautiful gift I could have gotten! Thank you Isane!"

"It was nothing, really," she blushed.

"Anyways, my turn now." He reached behind a pillow on the couch and pulled out a wine bottle with a red bow on it. "Merry Christmas, Rangiku. It's the good stuff"

For a moment, Matsumoto just sated at the gift, her eyes welling up with tears. Then, she leapt forward and embraces Yumichika for all he was worth.

"This is best thing I've ever gotten since I worked for Aizen!" she sobbed. "Thank you _sooo_ much!"

"Can't…breath!" Yumichika gasped, turning a little blue.

"Eeep!" she- I mean, _Matsumoto_ squealed, releasing the poor guy form her vice like grip.

"Have you ever considered breast reduction surgery?" Yumichika panted.

"Harm my girls?" Rangiku gasped, crossing her arms over her chest protectively, "Never!"

"Why don't you just give your gift instead?" Renji sweatdropped.

"OK, sure!" Matsumoto reached between her ridiculously large cleavage and pulled out a bottle identical to the one Yumichika just gave her. "Here you go, Baldy-kun!~"

"Hey, no fair!" Yumichika shouted. "No copying gift ideas!"

"Isn't this more of a gift that you'd like?" Ikkaku asked Matsumoto.

"Good point," she said, uncorking the bottle and taking a swig.

"Anyways," he said, ignoring his alcoholic compatriot for the moment, "where did I put Arisawa's gift…Oh that's right!" He grabbed the top of his head and began to unscrew it, then reached inside and pulled out a package about the size of a small paperback book.

"How the hell is that even _possible_?" wondered Tatsuki, her mouth hanging so low it was almost touching the floor.

"I'll tell you some other time. For now, just open your present." Feeling the conundrum of Ikkaku's head to be too big a problem to tackle at the moment, she instead tore into her gift.

"Sweet! Brass knuckles!" She gave Ikkaku a friendly punch on the shoulder, "You know me too well."

"Glad you like it," he beamed.

"I'll be right back," she said, hurrying out of the room a coming back a few seconds later. "Merry Christmas Kiyone!" She held out a heavy looking box. Kiyone tore at the wrapping paper with wild abandon.

"A new Kevlar vest! Thanks a bunch Tatsuki!" She embraced her friend on a joyful hug.

"Not at all…" Tatsuki said, a little uneasy. (Psst! She's not really a very 'huggy' person.)

"Anyways, here's Strawberry's present." Kiyone reached under the tree and pulled out a small gift bag. "From what you told me about your family, I think you'll really get use out if this." This piqued Ichigo's curiosity, and fished around the bag before holding up his prize.

It was a bottle of aspirin.

"You're right Kiyone, this'll be _perfect_ for when my relatives all come in next week," Ichigo said, "Thanks."

"No problem!" the towheaded cop beamed.

"Is your family _really_ that bad?" Rukia wondered.

"You haven't seen them drunk," he said simply. "But that's not important right now; it's my turn to give the gift, right?" Reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out an elongated jewelry case. He handed it to Rukia, who opened it apprehensively.

"Oh my god," she breathed softly. Inside the case was a beautiful necklace; it had a hollowed out, heart shaped pendant made of 24kt gold that had little amethysts around it. "Ichigo, this is…this is beautiful!"

"I thought you'd like it," he said as he took the necklace out of the case and slipped it around her neck. "Merry Christmas, Short stuff."

"Awwwe!" everyone else cooed. Needless to say, Rukia and Ichigo both lit up like Rudolf's nose on nuclear batteries.

"Why don't you just give your gift so everyone will stop staring at us?" Ichigo whispered.

"Sounds good to me," Rukia agreed in the same hushed tones. She shuffled hurriedly over to the stocking everyone had hung the night before and pulled a rather soft looking package out of one. "Merry Christmas Renji!"

Renji raised an eyebrow, but accepted the gift nonetheless. He tore the paper off methodically, and froze.

In his hands was a genuine, eight inch long, officially licensed, white plush furred-

Chappy!

"I knew you like Chappy, so when I saw this one on sale, I just knew it would be perfect!" she said cheerily.

"Renji likes Chappy?" Ikkaku guffawed. "Ha ha ha! So _that's_ what that thing was doing in your desk! OH, this is _priceless!_"

"I didn't know you were _that_ kind of guy!" Tatsuki said, trying to hold in guffaws of her own.

"I like Chappy too!" chimed Matsumoto.

"How the hell did you even know that?" Renji shouted at Rukia, clearly flabbergasted.

"Well, it was back at our Halloween party, and I had that dream-"

"I'm ruined…" Renji slunk to the floor. "My secret is out; I'll never be able to show my face in public again…"

"As much as we'd like to," Yumichika said, "you have nothing to worry about, Rudolf Head; you're secret's safe with us."

"Really?" Renji said incredulously.

"Yeah," Ichigo said, "we've all got stuff we'd rather the general public doesn't know about."

"You mean like the fact that you're related to celebrities?" Kiyone pointed out.

"_Yeah…_" Ichigo grit his teeth. "Anyways, what I'm trying to say is, we're all in this together. No-one outside this room will know about your shameful attraction to a children's media icon."

"I say this calls for a toast!" Matsumoto announced.

And seriously, did anyone else _not_ see this coming?

"Why not? It's Christmas!" Kiyone cheered, grabbing a bunch of paper cups from out of the kitchen and passing them around, then filling them from the bottle Matsumoto opened earlier.

"To secrets kept secret!" they all said, raising their cups high.

"And Merry Christmas!" Rukia said before they all down their cups.

"And God bless us, everyone!" a new voice said, causing everyone to do the mother of all spit takes.

There, standing in the doorway bundled up to the nth degree, was none other than Yamada Hanatarou!

"Hey, Droopy's back!" Matsumoto cried, wiping some spit from her chin.

"Not really," 'Droopy' said, his voice shaking a little, "I really just came to say 'hi'. You know, it being Christmas and all…"

"It's good to finally meet you in person, Hanatarou," Rukia said cheerily, shaking the young man's hand.

"We haven't seen you since that fateful day when you got run over by the hive entity," Tatsuki said.

"What happened?" Rukia asked. She still hadn't gotten the full story about that.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_*Hanatarou is in a hospital bed with numerous machines beeping around him*_

_Hanatarou; "I think maybe this job might be bad for my health, I'm going to resign!" _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"That's all?" For some reason, Rukia was expecting more.

"That's all," Hanatarou said. "I had a lot of fun here with these guys, but I was just getting hurt way too much on the job." He thought for a moment, "And _off_ the job…"

"Too bad," Ikkaku sighed, "it hasn't been the same around here since you left." He gave Hanatarou a mighty pat on the back, which sent the small man hurtling right into the Christmas tree, felling it on top of him.

Isane threw up.

Fin.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Did you honestly think that a story like this would end on a tender moment? Pfft, f**k no! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!_

_Anyways, this story takes place between chapters 23 and 24 of Cold Fuzz proper, so some of the things in the Arctic Thunder will probably make more sense if you read that before this. If not, don't worry, nothing gets spoiled, so you'll be in for quite a surprise when you get to reading it. _

_And lastly, Happy Chrismahanakwanzaka!  
__  
(Additional Note: You may now include Young Nel in any future suggestions you may have for this story._

_Also, I will not be posting any more chapters until the beginning of next year. This is to give me extra time to work on the 50th anniversary chapter, as well as stuff to post after that one. Rest assured the extended absence in no way means I have stopped updating this fic. How could I? It's too much dang fun to write!)_


	50. Super Special Awesome 50th aniversary!

_And here we are folks; 50 mother[censor]ing chapters! Strike up the marching band! *"Hurray for the Red, White and Blue" starts playing* Cue the streamers, confetti, fireworks, Gogo dancers, and all the booze you can drink!_

_*music abruptly stops*_

_Seriously, this is a big friggin deal here. _

_By the way, who caught Kon's little cameo in "The Not So Ultimate Showdown"? Hope you liked it, because that's probably the last time he'll ever appear in this thing.*evil laughter*_

_Also, it's currently the longest chapter I've ever written for this story. Just sayin'._

_Anyways, I won't take up time thanking everyone who reviewed this story, I did all that last chapter. Instead, I'll just inform you that the last (proper) chapter was written like David Foster Wallace again (Another moment of silence please.) and say on with the crack!_

_Special bonus, there's also a drinking game! Every time you read a word, take a drink. Starting..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Whoa...," Rukia said, suddenly felling a tad woozy, "Did anyone else feel that?"

"Yeah," Ichigo responded, shaking his head a bit, "what was it?" The rest of the KPD had similar experiences; one moment they were sweatdropping at _something_ Matsumoto said, and the next moment they all felt their heads swimming, as if inebriation was setting on.

"It feels like I just drank an entire six pack," Renji moaned.

"Same here," Tatsuki concurred. "Hey Rangiku, you feels any- Wait, never mind, you're always like this."

"Like what?" the boozed-up blond policewoman asked, hiccuping.

"Exactly..."

"Is it just me or does anyone else feel their head pounding?" Yumichika asked.

"Does this count?" Ikkaku asked. He motioned to Kiyone, who was using his shiny bald noggin as a bongo drum. "CUT IT OUT!" he suddenly snapped, causing the second shortest member of the Force to loose her balance on his shoulders and fall to the floor.

"For some reason I feel like I want to tear someone's head off," Ichigo said, unclenching a fist he hadn't realized he was making.

"And I have the strange urge to lock myself in the bathroom for no apparent reason," Rukia said, trying tho shake the feeling out of her head.

"Why the hell are my nails _**PINK****?"**_ Tatsuki shouted, staring at the tips of her fingers in abject horror.

"If you promise not to shout I have some remover somewhere around here you could use," Yumichika said. He held up a small bottle of clear liquid and an applicator brush.

Tatsuki was over there faster than Matsumoto when Octoberfest came to town.

"I believe I have some answers," Kurosutchi Mayuri said, suddenly appearing in the doorway.

Rukia screamed and jumped into Ichigo's pocket.

"Gah! Do you always have to sneak up on us like this?" Renji demanded.

"I don't," the scary clown pharmacist explained, "that's just one of the side effects of teleporting everywhere."

"You can _teleport?_" Yumichika asked incredulously.

"Well not on my own," Mayuri said in a very _"duh!"_ manner, "it's my Teleportocinator that actually does all all the work. The only problem is that it's still a one way trip, so I always have to hitch a cab to get back to my lab."

"But why are your here _now_?" asked Tatsuki, who still had her fingers in the bowl of remover.

"Because I wanted to apologize," he said, bowing. "A small mishap in my lab somehow caused the fabric of space/time to go all...what's the technical term?"

"Haywire?" Kiyone suggested.

"Wonky, that's it," he continued. "You are all mostly likely experiencing some kind of bleedthrough effect that happened after I corrected the problem." To demonstrate he brought out a paper bag from behind his back, blew it up, and popped it.

Kiyone did a remarkable imitation of a scared cat, jumping straight up and attaching herself to the ceiling.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"Don't worry," he reassured the KPD, "these symptoms should disappear in a day or so if my calculations are correct." With that he headed out the front door and flagging down a passing taxi.

"Was that Santa?" Matsumoto asked.

"His coat wasn't even red, Raniku," Isane gently remanded.

"...So I'm not going get any presents?" Tears started to well up in the drunk policewoman's eyes.

Just then Nel walked in, contentedly licking an ice cream cone.

"Does anyone want cookies?" she asked, holding up a large bag of chocolate chip cookies.

Everyone's eyes were immediately glued to the bag, (Rukia even peered over the lip of Ichigo's pocket).

"The nice, scawy looking man outside gave dem to me," she explained cheerfully.

Everyone now peeked out from behind the nearest form of cover them could find. (In some cases it was actual covers.)

"N-Nel," Isane peered out from the underside of a desk, "do you know who that man was?"

"Nope!" she said, nonpulsed. "He said to tell yous guys that he got the recipe from the internet. I don't know what he meant by dat, he said you would dough."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"You know one of these days you're going to have to tell me why Dr. Kurosutchi scares you so much," Ichigo told Rukia later. It was evening now, and he and his girlfriend were snuggling up under a blanket in front of the fireplace at his apartment.

Romantic, right?

"Maybe," she said, "if I could only figure out the reason myself." _Maybe it's his eyes,_ she mused to herself.

"Well don't worry about that right now," Ichigo told her, drawing her closer to him, "tonight it's just you, me, and these cookies he gave us." Ichigo brandished a plate with the chocolate chip cookies that the freaky pharmacist had given them that afternoon.

"Don't mind if I do," Rukia said, grabbing one of the cookies and popping it into her mouth.

She practically melted in her seat.

"Mmm!" she moaned, letting the combination of savory dough and decadent chocolate melt down her throat, "These might be the the best cookies I've ever eaten! Where did Kurosutchi-sensei say he got the recipe again?"

"Nel said he got it from a Betty Crocker website," Ichigo explained, taking in the scent of the cookies, "which is all I need to know; I've had Orihime's cooking before." He didn't elaborated any further.

He shuddered noticeably.

"Hanatarou's birthday cake, right?" Rukia guessed.

"A different occasion," he said simply.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Ichigo: You really don't have to do this for us, Orihime..._

_Orihime: It's nothing, really! It's the least I could do for saving me from those gangbangers last night. _

_Isshin: *shakes Ichigo* Son, what are you doing? There's a smokin' hot babe offering to make you and your family dinner! Why are you rejecting this?_

_Ichigo: *punches Isshin away* Because all I did was scare off a few hormonal teenagers! Besides, _moocher_, you're just thinking with your stomach._

_Isshin: *gets back up* If things keep going this way I'll have grandkids by year's end! *holds up graph*_

_Ichigo: *in monotone* Oh yeah, The Baby Making Chart...I forgot about that..._

_Karin: Seriously Ichigo, stop being a pussy and get a girlfriend already!_

_Yuzu: "Auntie Yuzu"...I think I could get used to that!_

_Ichigo; ...You guys all suck, you know that right? _

_Orihime: Dinner's ready! _

_*Ichigo eyes the food warily, reflexively shying away from one of the dishes, which had a still blinking eyeball on it*_

_Ichigo: Are you sure this stuff is legal? And is that one of Yumichika's eyebrow feathers?_

_Isshin: *pulls Ichigo back* Don't listen to my idiot son, he's clinically insane. ("NO I'M NOT!") I'm sure...whatever all this is is delicious!_

_*three seconds later the Kurosakis are being rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"It wasn't pretty..."

Rukia regarded him curiously, taking a bite from another cookie.

"What is it?" he asked after a minute.

"I think it's kind of sweet that your family cares enough about you to help you find a significant other."

"How do you figure that?" Now it was Ichigo's turn to regard her curiously. "All they do is try (in the _least_ subtle way possible, mind you) to set me up with whichever moderately attractive female happens to be standing next to me at the time. Have I mentioned how _not_ subtle about it they are?" Then he put on a smug grin, "The irony is that I actually found a girlfriend completely without their interfering." He gave her a chaste kiss on the lips.

"Well won't they be proud you!" Then she became sullen, "I wonder how my brother will react when I break the new to him?"

"He not approve of you dating?" the orange haired cop wondered.

"Let me put it this way," she said, "the first and only time I brought a boyfriend to meet my brother he broke up with me the next day and went to join a monastery."

"Ouch..."

"I know." She him straight in the eye, pleadingly, "You won't let my brother scare you away, will you?"

"Rukia, if the guys at the station haven't scared me away yet, I don't think _anything_ will."

"Thanks Ichigo," she said, giving him a tender hug, "that's just what I needed to hear." She popped the last cookie into her mouth, sighing with delight. "Seriously, these cookies are _so_ good!"

Ichigo looked down at the plate and saw that there were only scattered crumbs left.

"Hey, I wanted some of those too!" he said to Rukia, (who was licking crumbs off her fingers), looking hurt.

"Then you should have grabbed one before." Then she smiled mischievously. "You know...," she said, "I think I can still taste them a bit in my mouth; wanna see if you can too?"

Ichigo immediately perked up at this.

"Since when did you get so kinky?" he asked her.

"Since I got a boyfriend," she said, giving a little shrug.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"_Migaeta yozora no hoshitachi no hikari..."_ went the ringtone on Ichigo's cell phone. It kept repeating, and by the fourth time he managed to find it and pressed the "call answer" button.

"What do you want?" he asked tersely, shifting to a better position while trying not to wake Rukia up. They had both fallen asleep under the blanket watching the flames in the fireplace dancing well into the night. "It's like...," he glanced at the display on his phone, "6:30 in the morning. What could possibly-"

"Mmm," Rukia moaned, waking up despite Ichigo's caution. She began rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, "what is it?"

For a moment Ichigo didn't say anything, then he slammed his phone shut and frantically made to put his shoes on.

"Ichigo?"

"No time to talk," he said hurriedly, struggling with one of his shoes before he realized it was on the wrong foot, "we gotta get back to the station, now!" After he slipped his coat on he grabbed Rukia by the arm and dragged her behind him out the door, the diminutive policewoman failing behind him in the breeze.

In no time at all the couple arrived at the station, (Ichigo only lived a few blocks from it), and were greeted by the sight of the rest of their cohorts huddled around Kiyone's small, portable TV.

"What happened, what'd I miss?" Ichigo asked frantically, somehow depositing Rukia into an office chair as he did.

"Greaser Swift and Constitutional just passed The Luck at the halfway point," Tatsuki said, leaning into as close to tiny television screen as she dared, "it could be anyone's game now."

"Give me fifty on Constitutional," he said, taking out a bunch of bills and handing them to Nel (who was currently dressed as a bookie).

_Are they watching horse races or something?_ Rukia wondered, having recovered enough of her faculties to be curious about what they were all doing. Finally her curiosity won out and she pushed her way between Ikkaku and Kiyone. On the small TV was a racetrack, (you know, the straight kind?), with the white lines and everything. On the track, with clearly defined, black and white numbers on their sides, were a bunch of-

"Snails?"

"Yup," Kiyone said, "most exciting thing we've found since watching molasses drip."

"Silence!" Yumichika called from the other side of Renji, "Your unnecessary chatter is preventing me from concentrating; I can't tell if Funny Business or Bad Smiles is going to pass The Luck next."

_This is what Ichigo dragged me out of bed for? Snail racing? _She was a little miffed (and slightly disappointed) that this was all there was. _Wait a minute, I left my things back at Ichigo's!_

"I like Ol' Reliable! *hic!*" Matsumoto hiccup. Rukia glanced at the tiny screen and saw the snail in question, a stylized caption beneath him.

"Um, Matsumoto," Rukia pointed out, "that's a rock."

"Yes he is," Mastumoto grinned, "he's got nerves of steel!"

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"I'm going to go get some breakfast," she sighed as she headed into the kitchen, leaving her friends to their weird hobby.

So the day went on and eventually everyone got bored of waiting for their favorite snail to move another three inches and gravitated to other activities.

Except for Matsumoto, who was still enamored waiting for Ol' Reliable to finally make his move.

Simple minds, right?

"Hey Ichigo?" Rukia said after a while, "Could you go get me some Ice-cream?"

"Sure," he shrugged, not seeing any harm. As he went to check the station's freezer he absently wondered why his girlfriend had a craving for ice-cream all of a sudden. After all, it was still winter weather outside, ice-cream was the last thing on most of their minds. (Well, except for maybe Matsumoto's...) Still, it wasn't the weirdest request he'd ever been given, so he complied with a smile on his face.

Besides, it was kind of nice to be able to dote on his girlfriend occasionally.

"Oh, and could you put some pickles in it?" Rukia called from the other room.

"No probl-" Ichigo started to say before he actually realized was she said.

She wanted _pickles_?

On ice-cream?

WTF?

Fearing he might have heard her wrong Ichigo went back over to Rukia who was now feeding Quincy some cheese.

"Ichigo?" she said, surprised that he was back so soon. "Is something wrong?"

"No, but...you wanted _pickles _on you ice-cream?" he queried.

"Mmhmm," she nodded, "and now that I think about it, could put some corn in it too?"

Corn?

"Uh, sure...are you feeling OK?" Ichigo couldn't quite process Rukia's newly discovered, esoteric tastes. It reminded him a lot of Orihime.

He shuddered involuntarily.

"Aside from some slight bruising from when you dragged me here this morning," she rubbed her lower back for effect, "I feel just fine. Oh, and if we have any hot sauce, put that in too." She then turned back to her pet mouse.

Ichigo walked back to the kitchen blankly, wondered just how much weirder Rukia could get?

"And mayonnaise!"

Oh, _that_ weird.

"What's up with the weird order Rukia?" Tatsuki asked, looking up from her crossword puzzle.

"Yeah," Renji agreed, "it sounds like something Orihime would make."

They both shuddered violently.

"What do you mean?" Rukia asked, unaware of whatever her friends were insinuating.

"Well," Isane tried to explain gently, "none of those things you asked Ichigo for really go well together."

"Not to mention how utterly _gross_ that is," Yumichika chimed in.

"Did you get dropped on your head as a kid or something?" Ikkaku wondered.

Everyone glared at him.

"I...don't understand..." _What is everyone so concerned about? I was just feeling a little hungry..._

"Here you go," Ichigo said, holding the concoction Rukia ordered out in front of him, "um...enjoy?" He placed the dish on the table in front of her.

She took the spoon Ichigo had provided and dipped it into the strange creation.

She put the spoon into her mouth.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

OK, is something going to happen or what?

"Well?" Renji said impatiently, expecting some kind of reaction.

"How is it?" Ichigo wondered.

Rukia suddenly began to cry, tears falling down her roundish face.

_Oh crap..._ Ichigo thought, fearing he might have made a bit of a boo-boo. "...Rukia?"

She turned towards him...

"IT'S DELSIOUS!" she sobbed, embracing her rather stunned boyfriend, "Thank you Ichigo!"

Not really the reaction he was expecting.

"You're...welcome?" he stammered as she went right back to eating her weird treat.

"OK, honestly," Tatsuki said, "who was expecting that? Show of hands."

Nobody raised their hands.

Matsumoto was still watching the snail races.

"Thank you _so_ much for making this for me," Rukia told the befuddled carrot top, talking softly into his shirt, "even though it might have freaked the crap out of you."

"You could say that..." Ichigo murmured.

"Are you actually gonna finish dat?" Nel asked, staring at the pile food what could barely even be considered "food" by popular opinion.

"Oh, right!" She let Ichigo go and quickly resumed shoveling the food like substance down her throat.

"I think I'm gonna barf just watching that," Renji said, holding his stomach.

"Maybe she suffered a blow to the head and it messed her up a bit," Isane suggested. She turned to Rukia, "Do you mind if I have a look?"

"Well," Ikkaku said, stretching his arms over his head, "while you guys do that I'm gonna make myself a burrito.

"With lots of _sour cream_."

Rukia ran to the closest bathroom, looking like she was about to barf.

"Hey!" Ikkaku shouted after her, "I thought we had an agreement about that!"

Everyone just glared at him.

"What?"

"You know Rukia doesn't like sour cream!" Kiyone pointed out, "It's like... 'anti-mayonnaise' to her."

"One of these days, Baldy..." Ichigo sneered as he went to see if he could help his girlfriend any.

As he left his friends to argue with Ikkaku (and Ikkaku to try to pathetically counter their arguments) he heard noises coming from Ikkaku's bathroom (or bedroom, depending) that sounded like a hippo gargling tomato sauce while trying to hock up a loogie, followed by the sound of flushing water.

*blargh!*

*flush!*

It wasn't a pretty sound.

"Rukia?" Ichigo asked, knocking on the bathroom door, "You OK in there?"

More barfing.

"Can I come in?" He pressed his ear to the door and heard a small voice say _"Hai..."_ He cautiously opened the door and saw that Rukia had her face in a place that was not meant for a face. "Did it help?"

"Not really," the petite policewoman moaned. She turned to her boyfriend, "Will you hold my hair back?"

"Um..." he said hesitantly, wondering whether or not to point out the glaringly obvious flaw in Rukia's request.

"_**PLEASE?"**_ she said, her voice sounding masculine and demonic for some reason.

"*ulp!* Sure!"

He didn't have any wish to die today anyway.

"Rukia's kinda scawy right now," Nel said from across the room.

"Understatement of the century, kid," Renji agreed.

"You _don't_ just use a guy's bedroom is you need to blow chunks," Ikkaku continued to complain.

"Would you give it a rest already!" Tatsuki eventually screamed, sending a bowling ball that said "Y. Aesegawa" on it right at the one that resided on top of Ikkaku's neck. "Instead of bitching about some stupid agreement that you just thought up on the spot, why don't you go aid your distressed comrade or something?"

*blargh!* came from the bathroom, followed by *flush!*.

"...After she's done barfing!" amended Tatsuki.

"What _possible_ reason could you have for throwing _my_ bowling ball?" Yumichika asked, flabbergasted.

"I need to use mine for Bowling Night tomorrow," the female Bruce Lee said, complete serious.

"_AND I WOULDN'T?"_ the KPD's Prima Donna screamed, lunging at Tatsuki with a palette of blushes and an applicator brush.

He was a bit miffed.

"Hey, don't hog all the action!" Ikkaku shouted as he grabbed his wooden sword and followed after his borderline gay friend. When they collided with each other they began rolling across the floor, each trying to beat the other into submission. During this they got dangerously close to rolling into the micro-climate, but then a hand appeared out of the foggy area and pushed them back the other way.

Meanwhile, Renji, Isane, Kiyone, and Nel, the only remaining sane (for the moment) members of the KPD just stood by and stared blankly at the spectacle.

Matsumoto was still watching the snail races.

"Hey, Isane?" Kiyone said, pointing towards the storm of dust being kicked up by her comrades, "Do you think...?"

"Very well," Isane sighed, "you may go join the dog pile."

"I was just going to ask if we should stop them," the younger Kotetsu sibling said, somewhat surprised, "but thanks!" She quickly jumped into the fray before her sister could change her mind.

"Guys..." a voice said from behind them said. The three of them turned and saw Rukia, who was leaning on Ichigo and had a blanket draped over her shoulders like a shawl, "I think I might be sick."

A chorus of sweatdrops greeted that statement.

"Could you give me a checkup?" she asked the resident medic, her eyes sparkling with pleading tears.

Isane immediately went into "business" mode, giving Rukia a basic checkup. I.e. checking her reflexes (good), sticking that icky Popsicle stick thing on her tongue (and nearly triggering, her gag reflex again), and listening to her heartbeat (the stethoscope was hella cold). After doing some quick calculation on her clip board a look of confusion and apprehension spread over the closest thing to a doctor's face.

"What's da matter Isane-chan?" Nel asked, picking up on the older woman's mood shift.

"Well," she tittered nervously, "I don't really know how to say this, but..." She leaned in close to Ichigo and whispered something in his ear.

"WHAT THE [censor]!" he exploded, causing time around the office to temporarily freeze; even the three stooges and Tatsuki stopped their brawl, one of them hovering in mid air, "HOW THE [censor] DID RUKIA GET _PREGNANT?" _

He summarily fainted

"WHAT THE [censor]?" everyone echoed, time resuming again.

"Hey guys!" Matsumoto called, "Ol' Reliable just won!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

After Ichigo was revived it was decided that a second opinion was needed to corroborate Isane's findings. So, they turned to the most knowledgeable medical professional they could think of.

"She's definitely pregnant," Doctor Retsu Unohana said, taking her stethoscope off and hanging it around her neck, "there's no denying that."

"But how did that even happen?" Ichigo wondered, still unable to fully accept the fact that he was going to be a daddy, "We didn't even have sex last night!"

Everyone stared at him like he'd just grown three heads.

"What?"

"You totally chickened out last night, didn't you?" Renji said smugly.

"What the- No! Of course I didn't! Besides, we didn't even do anything more than kiss; not every relationship is about sex you know."

This made Ikkaku fall on the floor laughing.

"Ha ha ha ha! Oh my god, you actually _believe_ that? Wah ha ha ha ha!"

Ichigo turned to the rest of his coworkers, "Does anybody mind?" When everyone shook their heads no he went over to a still sniggering Ikkaku and kicked him right in his family jewels.

"Aiibah!" he squeaked, immediately crumpling into a ball on the floor.

"Ichigo," Unohana-sensei said, "as a medical professional I have to ask if you're not lying about refraining from intercourse last night."

"I didn't!" he persisted. "We just sat in front the fireplace and kissed; we didn't even take any of our clothes off, I swear!"

"I don't know if you realize this Ichigo," Tatsuki said, "but you're consistently lowering our respect for you."

"Yeah," Renji agreed, "way to be a wuss."

After he punched Renji square in the face Ichigo stormed out of the building.

"I think we might have gone a little too far..." Kiyone mused.

"Sooo..." Matsumoto said hesitantly, holding the leftovers of Rukia's odd meal, "Is anybody going to finish this?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Stupid...idiots!" Ichigo raged, stomping down the street and attempting not to lash out at anyone.

_Ichigo..._ Zangetsu's deep, solemn voice cut into the young policeman's thoughts.

"Zangetsu? What are you doing here? I left your sword back at the station."

_When you wielded me for the first time back at The Snugly Duckling a bond was form, and it is through this bond that allows us to communicate with each other, even over great distances._

"Oh."

_What is troubling you?_

"Not much, just my friends being a bunch of pricks." He flopped down on a nearby bench. "And all because Rukia and I want to do it right in our relationship!"

_When you say, "do it right", what exactly do you mean?_

"Well, you see..." As Ichigo explained common relationship practices to his magical sword (which was not in the immediate vicinity, mind you) people began to look at him strangely, wondering why the guy with the weird hairdo was talking about getting to third base to thin air. One particularly curious child asked her mother why the "funny carrot man" was talking to nothing, and was promptly ushered the other way so she would catch the crazy from the "mentally unstable vegetable"

_OH MY GOD!_ a new voice burst in, surprising Ichigo so much that in his flailing he fell of the bench, _You are such a _[censor]_ing pussy! Real men don't "wait until the time is right" to get some action, they just take it!_

"Who the crap are you?" Ichigo blurted, still reeling from the shock of having a new voice invade his subconscious.

_I'm you! Or at least a part of the inner you._

_Would you please leave him alone right now? He doesn't need you confusing him anymore than he already is. _

_Aw shove it gramps! You probably feel like he does about getting' laid, don't ya? Oh wait, you wouldn't know;_ kitchen knives_ don't get laid!_

_At least _I'm _actually useful to him. What do you do, convince him to make bad decisions and send him to an early grave?_

_But at least he wouldn't die a virgin._

"Would the both of you just shut the [censor] up for a second?" Ichigo was getting a bit annoyed with the antics going on in his head at the moment. It was hard enough having to share his own mind with two separate and drastically different consciousnesses, (for all the four minutes it had been going on), but when he got cut from the conversation entirely...

It was a tad insulting and didn't really help his self esteem.

_Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to argue with this geezer here._

"Yes I mind; my own mind is having an argument without me! I should at least have _some_ say in this."

_Oh ho ho ho, so "his majesty" thinks he can _[censor]_ing control me! Well let me tell you something, "King", I'm part of your subconscious, your _[censor]_ing "id" as it were, and that _I'm_ the one you ultimately listen to, not the other way around! You dig?_

Ichigo didn't have an argument for that; what his inner self was saying was technically true, (Isane had a book on tape called "How to tame your fractured mind in only 174 simple, easy steps!" and had been playing it almost nonstop recently. One of the segments talked about dealing with your subconscious. It was the 427th time she listened to it).

_Hey you_, Zangetsu butted back in, _we're not finished yet._

_I finished your mom last night!_

_That doesn't make any sense..._

"If neither of you are going to help me with this problem," Ichigo said through gritted teeth, finally fed up with their arguing, "could you both take your little catfight somewhere else?"

Surprisingly, the two voices complied and ceased their chattering.

"That was easy," he mused, not noticing a large red button with the word "easy" written on it in bold, white type.

"_Migaeta yozora no hoshitachi no hikari..."_

Ichigo's phone rang again. He looked at the caller I.D. And saw that it was Ikkaku who was calling him.

"What?" he said as he answered, somewhat less than politely.

"_#Dude, I think you might want to get back here; something's up with Rukia.#"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Dude, I think you might want to get back here; something's up with Rukia," Ikkaku said into his phone. Something was up with Rukia, and even he thought Ichigo would want to know about this.

"What's wrong with Rukia?" Ichigo said, suddenly appearing behind the bald cop, phone still in hand.

"GAH! How the- I was just talking with you on the phone, how the hell did you get here so fast?"

"Um, I walked?" Ichigo said, not really sure where the KPD's resident bathroom dweller was going with that.

"But you weren't even in the- Ah forget it!" Ikkaku didn't feel like thinking too hard today.

"So what's this big emergency with Rukia?" Ichigo wondered, not really interested in Ikkaku's antics when his girlfriend was concerned.

…

Silence.

…

More silence.

…

Even more silence, louder this time.

"_**What's wrong?" **_he asked, red anger tics popping up on his forehead.

"...I think it'd be better if you just see for yourself," Isane said nervously, wringing her hands in a furious manner. For a moment Ichigo said nothing, still raging silently. Then, shoving his way past his comrades, he opened the door to the room where Rukia was lying down. Inside Unohana-sensei was standing in front of the bed, obstructing his view.

"Are your _sure_ you don't want to change your story?" she asked, not looking up.

"Of course I don't!" he shouted indignantly, "What do you think I-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi..."

The lady doctor moved out of the way. Rukia was reclining against a mound of pillows, rubbing her belly.

It should be noted that her belly was approximately the size of your standard beach ball.

"Ichi," Tatsuki teased, "djyou got sum 'splaining to do!"

"At least admit gracefully when you get your girlfriend pregnant," Yumichika added snootily.

Being the most level headed man in the Karakura Police Department, his response was wise, well thought out, and most of all not over reactive.

He fainted dead away.

"Itsygo isn't taking dis to well, is he?" Nel wondered.

"He's never really been good with big surprises," Matsumoto explained, taking a swig of chardonnay.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Three hours later Ichigo returned to consciousness.

"Ugh," he groaned, "did anyone get the number of that moving van that hit me?"

"If by 'moving van' you mean 'sudden realization that you're going to be a daddy in the next few months'," Renji said, "then no, we didn't."

Upon the information that humanity was going to be added to by +1, (by his own doing, however the hell it happened), the orange headed cop began to feel woozy again.

"Uh uh," Tatsuki said abruptly, slapping Ichigo across the face a few times, "you're gonna face this one like a man!"

"So have you guys picked a name yet?" Kiyone asked, eyes glistening with excitement at the prospect of going all "Kawaii desu ne~!" over an Ichigo (or Rukia) Jr.

"Are you going have the birth be natural or are you going to have a c-section?" Isane wondered.

"Did you guys do anything kinky?" Ikkaku pestered.

*chirp!*, said Yumichika's cricket.

*squeak!*, squeaked Quincy.

"What's 'kiniky' mean?" asked Nel.

"*hic!*," hiccupped Matsumoto.

"SHUT UP!" Ichigo explained, "You guys aren't making this any easier for me, you know."

"We're just concerned about you," Kiyone said, a little disappointed that none of her and friend's efforts to cheer the man up were working.

Well, except for Ikkaku; he was just being a prick.

"On the bright side," Renji said, trying to undo the damage, "there isn't any way it could get worse, right?"

"IIICCCHHHIIIGGGOOO!" came from just outside the building. A moment later Isshin Kurosaki burst through the front door, his face beaming so much it was almost luminescent. "I KNEW THIS DAY COME!"

"You were saying?" Ichigo growled at the red fern head.

"I'm so proud of you son!" the older man cried, running up and embracing his son. He began rubbing Ichigo's face with his goatee, "So when do I get to meet my new grandchild?"

"Get offa me you freak!" Ichigo cried, shoving his father offa him and into the wall. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, my 'my future grandchild is finally here' senses were tingling so I had to come investigate," he said, picking himself up. "So, where is he? Or she, I could go either way."

"He has 'my future grandchild is finally here' senses?" Renji wondered aloud.

"Dad, what the hell are you doing here?" Ichigo asked through gritted teeth, his patience stretched almost to the limit.

"Ichigo, you hurt me! I heard that you finally decided to sire offspring, so I just had to rush over as fast as I could to see this precious gift from the heavens!" He pulled out a line graph from behind his back, "And even sooner than the Baby Making Chart predicted as well!"

"And he brings out the chart..." Ichigo currently wanted to crawl under a rock and live there until either he or his father died of old age. Of course he'd set up a webcam so he could keep in touch with Rukia, so even if he could never see her again in person they could still talk to each other. "God?" he looked up at the ceiling, "If there's any other crap that's going to get thrown my way, could you just get it over with?"

BANG! slammed the front door and in walked a tall, _very_ imposing man with dark hair and an angular face. He also had these weird tube things in his hair.

As the door swung closed it revealed Isshin, who crumpled to the ground in a heap.

"Where is the dead man that impregnated my sister?" Byakuya Kuchiki menaced, the atmosphere around him palpable with ominous dread.

Everyone pointed at Ichigo.

"Thanks guys," he said through gritted teeth, "_really_ appreciate it..."

"Prepare for castration," the enraged older brother said, whipping out a katana he'd been holding when he came in. He began walking slowly towards Ichigo, menacingly.

"Itsygo?" Nel said nervously, "I tink you might wanna shtart running..." Ichigo's brain suddenly caught up with what was going on in the real world and decided that if he wanted to keep living (as well as keep his means to have children one day) he just might want to rapidly pump his legs while simultaneously leaning forward as to establish momentum.

In short, run like hell or get his wang chopped off.

Needless to say, he chose running.

Imagine that.

"Come on Kurosaki, you can run faster than that!" Tatsuki called, suddenly decked out in full Gym Teacher regalia; sweat shirt, sweat pants, sneakers, and a generic baseball cap.

"A little faster and you might beat the station record!" Kiyone cheered.

"You mean the one Hanatarou set when he pissed of Tatsuki that one time?" Renji asked.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_*Hanatarou is running as fast as he can down the street with Tatsuki chasing after him*_

_Hanatarou: "I TAKE IT BACK, YOU'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL IN THE LEAST, I'M SORRY!"_

_Tatuski: "SO NOW YOU'RE SAYING I'M **UGLY?"**_

_Hanatarou: "Um...yes?"_

_Tatsuki: **"...DIE."**_

_Hanatarou: "AAAHHH! *pours on more speed*_

_*Tatsuki eventually catches up to him and beats the ever loving &%# out of him*_

_Hanatarou: "So close, yet...so far..." *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Yeah, that one!"

"Anytime you guys want to lend a hand!" Ichigo screeched, narrowly dodging Byakuya's lethal, menacing sword.

"Anyone who gets in the way of my vengeance will share in his suffering..." he menaced.

Needless to say, only Tatsuki stayed in the room, and that was only because she wasn't intimidated enough by Byakuya's menace to miss out on Ichigo getting his ass kicked.

In fact, he nearly lost his ass a few times while dodging Rukia's genocidal older brother. Eventually he was worked into a corner with no way out.

"Any last words before you continue life as a eunuch?" Byakuya menacingly whispered in Ichigo's ear while pressing his blade against the poor boy's throat...menacingly.

Ichigo couldn't really think clearly with the sword being pressed up against his person, and as such couldn't remember any good They Might Be Giants quotes for his final words. But before Byakuya made attain an existence that helped him understand how the other half lived, an idea somehow pushed it's way to the front of his brain for half a second. It wasn't really the best idea even, and had the enormous potential to backfire, but it was the only one he had and he grasped onto it like a drowning man onto a piece of driftwood.

"So did I hear you right in saying that you thought Tatsuki looks like a textbook lesbian?" Ichigo asked the menacing man standing over him.

"I said no such thing," he said, menacingly, "why would you-"

A boot slammed into the side of his face, knocking him into the far wall.

"_**Who you callin' 'lesbian', punk?"**_ Tatsuki demanded, even more menacingly that Byakuya had been.

"You are mistaken," Byakuya said, "even if you do look it I would never accuse you of it to your face."

"_**So your saying I actually **_**do ****_look like a lesbian?"_**

"To put it bluntly, yes."

"_**...Tatsuki Ultimate Attack: Flying Dragon Super Kick!"**_

Byakuya had am interesting (if abrupt and literally inflamed) encounter with the wall.

As Tatsuki stood panting Ichigo picked himself up and cuffed a still smoldering Byakuya to a desk.

"Sorry about this," Ichigo apologized, "but I'd rather not have you chasing after my manhood while I'm still alive."

"Do you really think these pitiful things will hold me for long?" the psychotic older brother asked.

"No, but that's what Tatsuki here's for." He gestured to the still seething female Bruce Lee.

"Fine," Byakuya sighed (while somehow still managing to seem menacing), "what do you want?"

"For one, stop trying to cut off my junk!" For good measure, Ichigo kicked Byakuya's sword to the other side of the room.

"How dare you lay a hand on Senbonzaruka Kageyoshi!" the cuffed brother menacingly protested.

"_Technically_ I used my foot," Ichigo pointed out.

"He'th got a point," Nel said, sticking her head around the door way. She ducked back a moment later.

"It doesn't matter if he used his ear, he still committed an offense against the Noble House of Kuchiki and must be punished."

He menaced.

"Kick him in the balls!" Ikkaku shouted through the door.

"May I castrate _him_?"

"Only if you promise to lay off of me," Ichigo offered.

Byakuya menacingly thought about this, then nodded.

"He's all yours~!" Ichigo said as he uncuffed the menacing older man.

A moment later everyone else ran back into the room, the sound of Ikkaku's girlish screams could be heard throughout the building.

"Ichigo?" Unohana-sensei came back into the room, "Would you mind stepping in here please?" Seeing no harm in the kindly doctor's request Ichigo shrugged his shoulders and headed into the room where Rukia was resting.

He couldn't really think of a good reason why Unohana-sensei would need to talk to him, not unless she was going to lecture him on the values of abstinence or explain to him how birth worked in _explicit detail_ just to make him guilty for impregnating Rukia or something like that. It wasn't even his fault that she was like this! (Come to think of it he couldn't even begin to imagine how something like this could have happened without divine intervention, and that shtick had already been used once.) But no matter how many times he tried to explained it, nobody would believe that he and Rukia didn't-

"HOLY [censor] WHAT THE [censor] IS THAT THING?" Ichigo screamed as some spidery-wormy thing leaped at the walls of its glass cage at him.

"That...'thing'," Unohana explained, "as you so eloquently put it, is what was growing inside your girlfriend, Mr. Kurosaki."

Ichigo fainted again.

Well, so much for easing him into it.

Fortunately Unohana-sensei had a ready array of smelling salts, one of which she produced and held under Ichigo's nose.

"GAH!" Ichigo screamed as the repugnant bouquet permeated his nasal passages, "What the hell is in that? It smells like you mixed Yumichika's perfumes in with compost."

"Had I not removed it when I did it would have kept growing and slowly consumed Rukia from the inside out," Unohana continued on as if nothing had happened. (And also conveniently forgetting to answer Ichigo's question.) "I must say, it put up quite a struggle."

"How...exactly did you remove it?" Ichigo wondered, not sure whether he'd at all like the answer.

"She's fit as a fiddle now; you may go see her if you wish," she said, again not answering Ichigo's question.

I guess some things are better left unlearned, eh?

Anyways, Ichigo peeked behind the curtain that had been set up before all the crazy(er) shenanigans started. Rukia was sitting on a cot with her back propped against some pillows, doodling on a sketchpad.

"Rukia," he said, hesitantly, "how are you feeling?"

"Actually, a lot better," the petite policewoman said, "now that that thing's out of me."

Meanwhile everyone else was having the situation explained to them by Unohana-sensei.

"So you're saying that Rukia got pregnant because she ate those cookies Dr. Kurosutchi made?" Kiyone wondered.

"That is correct," Unohana said. "Mayuri Kurosutchi is quite possibly the worst cook in the world. Capable chemist though..."

"I think I know where he learned..." Renji said, his thoughts turning to Orihime and her terrible cooking.

Everyone shuddered involuntarily.

"I don't know what you guys are talking about; I like that stuff!" Matsumoto announced happily, hiccuping a moment later.

"I believe the government is attempting to pass a law preventing him from any form of culinary endeavor," Unohana mused.

Just then Byakuya menaced back into room, dragging a whimpering Ikkaku behind him.

Menacingly.

"I believe this is yours," he said, tossing Ikkaku by the inept policemen and one doctor (and one unconscious Isshin). He then strode over to the curtained off area where Rukia and Ichigo were and menacingly pulled the curtain back.

"Ichigo Kurosaki," he said, the menace in his voice on full display, "because you allowed me the chance to prevent the bald one from ever siring offspring in the future you have proved yourself to be a worthy companion for my sister."

"Oh thank you Nii-san!" Rukia gushed, glomping her older (and taller) brother for all her was worth.

I guess she _was_ really feeling better, huh?

"Um...wow!" Ichigo gasped. "Really, Byakuya?"

"But this does not mean that you are in the clear," the menacing man continued. "Rest assured that I will be watching you, and if you so much as halfway attempt to think about hurting my sister, I shall inflicted a hell on you a thousand times worse than what your idiot bald friend has experienced."

He menaced.

"...OK?"

"Farewell Rukia," Byakuya said as he extricated himself from his sister's mighty embrace, "your next cheque shall be coming soon."

And in a flurry of Sakura petals he vanished.

"That's both creepy _and_ slightly unmanly at the same time..." Renji gaped. (Byakuya left the curtain open.)

"Pretty..." Matsumoto marveled at the falling pink flower petals.

"Dere sure arwe a lot o' petals," Nel noticed.

"I'll get the broom..." Isane sighed.

"I don't like that guy," stated Tatsuki.

"My...spleen!..." Ikkaku moaned.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I am never touching that crazy physician's cooking for as long as I live!" Ichigo stated resolutely. He and Rukia were back at his place, curled up under a blanket in front of the fireplace. "And even during the afterlife; I'm not even mad about not getting any of those cookies!"

"After what happened, I'm in no hurry to bring any Rukia Jr.'s into the world," Rukia said, hugging her boyfriend's neck.

"What, no Ichigo Jr.'s?" Ichigo asked, sounding a little hurt.

"Well...maybe _one_," Rukia consented playfully. She kissed Ichigo on the nose, "but not until a few years after we're married."

"M-M-Married?" Ichigo stammered. Because as we all know, the only thing men fear hearing more than "I'm pregnant" (as well as "It's yours") is "Let's get married!". "W-Where did this come from?"

"Well I don't mean right now!" Rukia assured him, "You thought I meant right now?"

"Um...well, cause you were just...and I thought you might still have some hormones left over and, well... you said the 'M' word..."

"You're so cute when you try to justify the stupid things you say,~" Rukia told him, giving him a little beep on the nose.

*Knock knock!*

There was a knock on the front door.

"You might as well go see who that is," Rukia suggested, "it could be important."

Reluctantly, Ichigo untangled himself from the covers and went to see who was interrupting his alone time with his girlfriend.

*BANGBANGBANG!*

Whoever it was knocked again.

"Alright already!" Ichigo called as he reached to open the door, "Hold your horse-"

"ICHIGO!" the rest of the KPD shouted, knocking Ichigo to the floor.

"The hell are you guys doing here?"

"We're here ta see what Itsygo and Itsygo's girlfwiend are doing!" Nel announced. "So, what'chya _dooo_in'?"

"Yeah Ichigo," Tatsuki added, "what'chya doin'?"

"You _are_ taking the proper precautions this time, right?" Isane asked.

"Doing any kinky stuff?" Ikkaku asked leecherously.

"Not that it's any of your freaking beeswax," Ichigo said as he picked himself up, "but we're doing the exact same thing as last time, (which resulted in absolutely _nothing_, need I remind you), so I'd kindly ask all of you to BUZZ OFF!" He grabbed Matsumoto (who was trying to smell the plastic flowers Ichigo kept by the door) and chucked her at everyone else, knocking them flat like bowling pins. He then slammed the door shut and triple locked it. "There," he said as he took back his seat beside Rukia, "no more interruptions." He slowly leaned in for another kiss, and-

"Thank God," Isshin said, popping up from behind the couch, "you guys were just getting to the good part."

"GET THE [censor] OUT OF MY HOUSE, CREEP!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_...now! See y'all next chapter!_


	51. Friends from college

_Hey there everyone! And welcome to another fun filled year of Cold Fuzz! This year there are many wonderful things planned that are sure to have you "LOL"ing and "ROFL"ing for days on end!_

_If only I knew what they were..._

_No don't worry, I'll be posting things at least twice a month at minimum, so y'all don't have to worry about not getting new chapters. I've still got stuff left in the ol' Idea Pool, and I'm sure you guys will think of a ton of stuff yourselves, so that's even less reason to worry. _

_Anyways, the last chapter was written like Stephen King. STEPHEN [censor]ING KING! That's almost as cool as writing like Douglas Adams! _

_And now that that's over, I shall say those four little words that are in the hearts and minds of American families everywhere..._

_On with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

It was a beautiful day in Karakura Town; the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and somewhere abouts Yoruichi (the girlfriend of local shop owner Urahara Kisuke) was chasing said birds. Nothing could make this day any more perfect except for-

"BUUURRRP!"

"Eww!"

"Gross!"

"Cool!"

"Uncouth!"

"That didn't sound natural..."

"Do it again!"

That.

For the record, it was Matsumoto who said that last one, bouncing in her seat like a sugar high toddler.

"Tee hee!~" Nel giggled, already reaching for her glass of ultracarbonated soda (which produced said burps in the first place), "sure ting Big Boobies!"

"I don't think so young lady!" Isane gasped, grabbing the potent soda away from the little girl, "The last thing we need is another potential Matsumoto ("No offense." "*hic!*") running around in the world; one is more than enough. Here," she held out a small, square object to the tiny former Espada, "drink this instead."

"Fine..." Nel sighed, reluctantly accepting the juice box. Peach flavored to be precise.

"Thanks a lot, _sis_," Kiyone pouted, "that was our only entertainment! Now what are we gonna do...?"

"I don't know what you guys are going to do," Renji said as he leaned back in his chair, feet propped on his desk, "but Imma have me some alone time with my stories!" He opened one of the draws and pulled out his latest issue of _Jump_.

"If anybody even _thinks_ about drumming on my head..." Ikkaku warned, eying everyone warily.

"Why don't you guys read a book or something?" Rukia suggested, changing the water in Quincy's bottle.

…

Everyone just stared at her.

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"Say Kiyone, what happened to that little TV of yours?" Yumichika asked.

"It's in the shop," the towheaded cop explained, "one of the steam valves broke."

"_Why_ is everyone in this dump so cheap?" Tatsuki asked the heavens.

"I don't see _you_ contributing any fancy new gadgets around here," Ichigo pointed out, playing around with his brand new Digital Shoelaces.

Suddenly the phone rang.

"Hello?" Isane answered. "Oh hi there Momo! Yeah, of course I've been getting your letters; they're about the only mail I still get regularly... Of course I'd like to come over! Sure, I'll be there in thirty minutes. OK...bye!"

"Who was dat?" Nel asked.

"An old friend from medical school," Isane explained, "she's in town looking for a house and she wanted to have lunch with me today."

"I'd love to meet her," Rukia said, "it'd be nice to have some more girl friends around here."

"And just what am I?" Ichigo wondered indignantly, "Chopped liver?"

"So just who is this friend of yours?" Yumichika asked, also genuinely interested in this new person that their resident medic knew.

"Her full name is Momo Hinamori, though we all just called her Momo. I think she went into child care after she graduated," Isane told him.

"She doesn't use those nasty Popsicle stick things, does she?" Kiyone wondered.

"Yeah," agreed Renji, "those things taste icky."

"They do?" Matsumoto asked, one of those "nasty Popsicle stick things" hanging out of her mouth.

"Not really, since she works in Physical Therapy; specifically kids who were in debilitating accidents."

"Cool," Rukia said, "she sounds awesome."

"Yeah," Ichigo agreed, "maybe you should have your lunch over here so the rest of us can meet her."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"How on earth did I let you guys talk me into this?" Isane sighed, hanging her head in her hands. Though a series of completely illogical arguments she had agreed to invite Momo to the station to meet the rest of the KPD.

You've met them, right?

"Hey don't look at me," Ichigo raised his hands defensively, "all I said was it would cool to meet her sometime! I didn't think everyone would take that so seriously..."

"Actually I'm not too worried about you or Rukia," Isane amended, "it's everyone else that has me worried."

"Hey!" Renji, Tatsuki, Kiyone, Ikkaku, and Yumichika shouted indignantly.

Matsumoto just hiccuped.

"I'm not that bad!" Kiyone persisted.

"I'll have you know," Yumichika stated, "that I _always_ strive to be poised and composed when entertaining guests."

"And when have _I_ ever lost my tempter?" Tatsuki challenged.

…

Matsumoto hiccuped again.

"Just do me a favor and try not to be too embarrassing?" Isane pleaded. She turned to Ikkaku, "And please don't hit on her."

"Why do automatically assume that I would be the first one to-"

"Um, hi there!"

Everyone immediately turned to the new voice that rang through the office. In the doorway stood a young woman roughly Tatsuki's height. She had black hair that was tied in the back of her hear in a bun and a kindly looking face. It was hard to tell her age (forgetting that unspoken rule about not asking) since she looked like she could have easily passed for a high school student.

"Oh..." Ikkaku eloquently said.

"Momo!" Isane cried, running forward and embracing her friend.

"Isane-chan!" Momo said, returning the gesture in kind.

"It's been too long; I think the last time we saw each other was at graduation."

"Oh! Remember when Unohana-sensei gave the commencement speech and the A/V guy fell asleep on the control panel?"

"I remember the big commotion they made when five guys tried to wake him up and ended up shutting off the lights for the whole auditorium!" Isane chuckled. Then she composed herself, "These are my friends: Lieutenant Abarai Renji, Officers Kurosaki Ichigo, Kuchiki Rukia, Madarame Ikkaku, Aesegawa Yumichika, Arisawa Tatsuki, Matsumoto Rangiku, and my sister Kotetsu Kiyone."

"Hey I just noticed something..." Yumichika pointed out, "what happened to Nel?"

"You're just noticing this _now_?" Tatsuki said.

"Oh I sent her over to play with Yachiru and Kenpachi," the police medic explained.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Yachiru: *excited* "Let's go play outside Nel-chan!" _

_Nel: "But isn't dis an apartment building?" _

_Yachiru: *not missing a beat* "It has a roof." _

_Nel: *still hesitant* Shouldn't we acks your brudder if dat's OK?" _

_Yachiru: "Oh he doesn't mind about that; he let's me go up there all the time!" _

_Nel: "Still, we should probably acks..." _

_Yachiru: *gives exasperated sigh* "Fine...Hey Kenny!" _

_Zaraki: *sticks head in door* "Yeah?" _

_Yachiru: "Can Nel-chan and I go play hopscotch on the roof?" _

_Zaraki: "Sure, just don't touch anything you're not supposed to." _

_Yachiru: "'Kay!" *turns to Nel* "See?" _

_Nel: *bounces back fast* "OK den, let's go!"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"They seem responsible enough."

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"*hic!* So when's the movie gonna start?" Matsumoto asked.

"Huh?" Momo cocked her head.

"She means when do we get to eat," Tatsuki explained.

"Oh."

"Yeah," Ikkaku agreed, "when do we get the grub?"

"_You_ people don't get any," Isane told everyone, "Besides, I only made enough for two people, and since Momo is the guest she get's priority."

"You know I'm not really that hungry," Momo said, poking her fingers together, "and if it's going to be this much trouble..."

"Nonsense! We haven't seen each other in age; this is the least I can do."

"But we're _hungry_!" Matsumoto whined.

"Then walk down to the corner store or something," Isane said dismissively. "Just make sure you take someone else with you so you don't get lost like last time."

"Aw..."

After a few more pointless arguments Isane shooed everyone out of the room with the promise that they would get to play with Momo later.

So obviously they stood behind the door with their ears pressed against it.

"You all ought to be ashamed of yourselves!" Rukia scoffed at their blatant voyeurism. "_Especially_ you, Ichigo!"

"What? We always did this when someone had a date."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Tatsuki: "It's a good thing I'm cold straight, because I don't think I could resist Rangiku's advances if I were Hanatarou right now."_

_Ikkaku: "Damn am I jealous of that little bastard right now..."_

_Renji: "True dat, bro." _

_Isane: "Don't you guys think Rangiku might be taking it just little too far?" _

_Yumichika: "Personally, I think it's rather admirable for her to do something nice for the poor fellow after he got out of the hospital." _

_Kiyone: "Yeah Sis, it's sweet! Besides, Hana-kun's a big boy, he can handle himself." _

_*on the other side, Hanatarou falls back in his chair*_

_Kiyone: *sweatdrops* "Then again..."_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"It's tradition."

"Would you keep it down?" Ikkaku shushed, waving his hand in the universal "keep it down" gesture, "I'm trying to hear if they just said 'Ikkaku smells' or 'Ikkaku sells'."

"You live in that bathroom half the time and I don't think I've ever seen you go into the showers," Tatsuki said, "my guess is the first one."

"I've refrained from mentioning it before now out of courtesy," Yumichika said hesitantly, "but I've been able to _feel_ the stench coming off you for months now."

_I_ could feel the stench coming off of him, and I'm on the other side of the fourth wall!

Then again, since when have they ever cared about the fourth wall before?

Anyways, let's get back to the story now, OK?

"I can't see a thing," Matsumoto complained, looking intently through the keyhole.

"It's not that kind of keyhole Rangiku," Renji corrected. "They haven't made them like that for over a hundred years."

"But if I look _reeeaaally_ hard," the strawberry blond persisted, "eventually it'll work!"

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"I...don't even know how to respond to that..."

"I can't _hear_ a thing with all the noise you guys are making," Kiyone said; she had a glass cup pressed against the door.

"It really is causing a lot of feedback," Isane agreed, moving her stethoscope around the door to find the auditory "sweet spot".

"Oh I give up..." Rukia sigh as she knelt down in front of the door and pressed her ear against it with everyone else.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door...

"...and then they both started walking towards us slowly, all the time staring at Kiyone and I lecherously."

Isane was retelling the story of their encounter with the Espada, specifically the Loly and Menoly episode.

"Wow," Momo marveled, "you must have been really brave to face them down like that."

"Actually...," Isane said hesitantly, "I got scared and jumped into my sisters arms..."

She hung her head in shame.

"I don't blame you," Momo said, "I probably would have reacted the same way if they we advancing on me like that."

"Yeah..."

"...So then what happened?"

"Well-" Isane started to say before she was cut off by the sound of the door falling to the floor with a loud crash.

The rest of the KPD were all sprawled on top of it.

"Damnit Ichigo you were leaning too hard!" Renji griped.

"Oh yeah, cause I was the _only one_ leaning on it," Ichigo retorted.

"I knew something like this would happen..." Rukia signed.

"_Wanfifu!"_ Kiyone mumbled from underneath Matsumoto, "_Mwy fan' bweef!"_

"Ah!" Matsumoto exclaimed, jumping off of the younger Kotetsu sister. "Sorry!"

"*gasp!*" said Kiyone as her airways were cleared of her comrade's mammoth bosom. "Remind me again; _why_ do people think getting those things shoved in their face is enjoyable?"

"Were you guys eavesdropping?" Isane asked, horrorstricken.

"_Duh!" _Ikkaku said, "Of course we were!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"So do you think Isane'll let us back into the station yet?" Renji asked. "I mean it's been at least twelve hours already."

"She said we could come back in once Momo left," Rukia explained, taking a sip of her hot chocolate, "it can't be too much longer..."

"I'm f-f-f-f-freezing my b-b-balls off!" Ikkaku shivered.

"Tch, pussy..." Tatsuki scoffed, wearing nothing but shorts and a tank top. "In _my_ family we had to deal with _much_worse than this! In fact-"

"I don't see what the big problem is!" Kiyone exclaimed, cutting Tatsuki off before she launched into another tale of the "old days", "She always eavesdropped with us all the time, so why does she take it so personally when we do it to her? She's got a double standard is what..."

"Hey Rukia, you wanna share this blanket?" Ichigo asked, holding open one side of the blanket he had wrapped around his shoulders.

"Thanks Ichigo," Rukia said as she sat down next to her boyfriend and shares in his residual body heat.

"I'm cold..." Rangiku sighed.

"And your point is...?" Yumichika asked, a couple icicles starting to form on his eyebrow feathers.

Suddenly a car pulled up and parked in front of the building. It idled for a second before Nel opened the back passenger door and hopped out.

"Bye Yachiru! Bye Mithter Kenpachi!" she waved as the car sped away at near breakneck speed, leaving flaming scorch marks of the road.

Then she noticed that most of her new friends were huddled together in front of the building.

"Why are"

"Don't ask," Renji said quickly.

"Alright den," she shrugged as she proceeded to open the door and walk into the building.

For a moment no one said anything. Then, all at the same time, they realized...

"IT WAS UNLOCKED THE WHOLE TIME!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Mmhmm, yep. _

_No much to say this time..._

_Well anyways, do y'all think I should use Momo again? If so, then what type of "personality quirk" should she have? (also keep in mind that it probably won't happened for a good few chapters either. And Aizen's dead, so that pairing probably won't be possible.)_

_Also remember that (like I said at the top of the page) there will be a two week wait between new chapters. This will allow me more to write new chapters, and so I'll always have a pool of ideas to pull from on the off chance I _can't_ think up new ways to make the KPD's life miserable. _

_Oh yeah, and here's some other Bleach humor stories that I can't recommend highly enough. (*Stories are of/the same continuity*)_

"_Bleached Christmas (1-3)" by Alex McMullen_

"_BLEACH Weekly Tabloid" by Kiba Wolf_

"_Bleached Metal/Bleached Metal: Encore" by Alex McMullen_

"_Chocolate with Nuts" by Sovereign64_

"_Dude, what's with the robe?/Highway to Hell" by soccerstar7_

"_Life of Crime" by Sovereign64_

"_Muse/Musings" by Princess Kitty1_

"_The Camping Fanfiction" by Sovereign64_

"_The Division Exchange Program" by AgelaD[period]Pangie (FFN won't recognize it with the actual period in it.)_

"_The Soul Society Tales" by Nightkill_

"_Yachiru's Candy Campaign" by Mungetsu_

_If you haven't read them yet I highly recommend you do. Hopefully they'll also be a good way for you to kill time in between chapters._


	52. Vivé la Resolution

_Well, the last chapter chapter was written like David Foster Wallace. _

_Again. (Moment of silence, please.)_

_That makes three times now, so I suppose I should feel honored or something. _

_But enough about that now; on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I think I'm going to try and sober up this year."

KA-BOOOOOOM!

Hear that? That's the sound of the world exploding because Matsumoto said she was going to quit booze.

Also, Hell just froze over.

"What the [censor]!" everyone shouted.

"Are you feeling alright Rangiku?" Rukia asked, somewhat worried that her large chested friend was talking crazy...er than normal.

"Oh no!" Isane gasped, "She's come down with a fever and has gone delirious!"

"Who are you and what have you done with Matsumoto?" Tatsuki demanded.

"Can I get all her booze then?" Ikkaku wondered. After all, all that nice alcohol shouldn't go to waste just because Matsumoto didn't want it anymore.

"You guys are all idiots..." Ichigo mumbled.

"What's the problem?" the buxom blonde asked, cocking her head to the side, "It's my New Year's resolution."

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"...Seriously," Tatsuki continued, "who are you and where did you hide Rangiku?"

"Maybe she had an alien probe implanted in her head while she was sleeping," suggested Kiyone, "that might explain why she's acting like this."

"Kiyone, you know that's a medical impossibility," her older sister chided. "If you get implanted with an alien probe you run around in circles while singing the Austrian national anthem before jumping into a corner and lapsing into a coma for five years, you know that."

"Oh right..."

"Seriously," Ichigo said, louder this time, "how did you people survive with me?"

"I'm serious guys!" Matsumoto persisted, "I was thinking back a on the past few years, and-"

"You? _Thinking?_" Ikkaku slung his arm over her shoulder, "Oh that's _rich_; next you'll be telling us that you're gonna vote, and make major decisions, and hold a political office, and fire a-"

Matsumoto's arm suddenly snapped out and made hard contact with Ikkaku's jaw, leveling the bald cop to the floor.

"Mmmm..." Ikkaku whimpered.

"Anyways," Rangiku continued as if nothing had happened, "I was looking back on my life and I decided to fix some things about it."

"Wow Rangiku, that's real mature of you," Rukia congratulated, clearly impressed with her strawberry blond comrade's resolution.

"If you don't tell me what you did with the real Rangiku _right now_..." Tatsuki said, letting the threat hang.

"So starting today," Matsumoto announced, "I'm going to quit drinking alcohol cold turkey!" She then uncorked a magically appeared bottle and started guzzling it.

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"Um, Matsumoto...?" Yumichika said hesitantly, majorly sweatdropping.

"What? I said today, not right this second."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Matsumoto's Diary of Recovery, day 61, supplemental; It's been two months since I last had a drop of alcohol, and I gotta say, it _suuuuuucks_! I'm always depressed, and nothing tastes quite as it used to without a little red to go along with it. Hell, at this point, I'd even settle for some mouthwash! ...Oh no, I think I can feel my throat drying up; the world is starting to spin-"

"It's been three hours since you quit drinking," Tatsuki pointed out blandly. Since Matsumoto's declaration she'd become sort of like Rangiku's sponsor.

"But it's _haaard!_" Matsumoto whined. "This is the longest I've ever gone without drinking; can't I have just a _tiny_ sip of saké?"

"I'll give you _five_ good reasons why you should retract that question." She held up her hand and began curling her fingers one by one, "One, two, three, four, _five_!" She shook the finished product a little for emphasis.

"Those are good reasons..." Matsumoto gulped.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"The only way to truly recover from this is Alcoholics Anonymous," Isane lectured as she drove Matsumoto to the local AA chapter. "You'll meet people there who will support you through your recovery and give you helpful advice and stuff."

"Just don't try the coffee," Renji warned, "I've heard it's terrible."

"...OK!" Matsumoto said, not really caring about the coffee. I mean, remember back when Rukia had her fake pregnancy? How she ate up that weird concoction Rukia asked for?

I think if she tried, she could eat pretty much anything.

"_Turn left ahead,"_ said the GPS unit. _"You have now reached your destination."_

"Um, are you sure you put in the right destination?" Renji asked, "Cause this don't look like no AA meeting place to me."

They were parked in front of a AAA building.

"I thought I only pressed the 'A' key twice?" Isane mused, going through the screen on the GPS unit.

"Hey, what's that!" Matsumoto pointed to a crowd of people gathered around the building next to AAA.

"I think it's a liquor store going out of- Aw crap..." Renji said as he saw Rangiku running towards the liquor store shouting "Weeeeeeeee!"

Isane was repeatedly banging her head on the side of the car.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"OK," Rukia said, sitting across the table from Matsumoto, "I think that if you just stop thinking about alcohol all the time then eventually you'll stop craving it."

"Sounds simple enough," Matsumoto said. "...how do I do that?"

"Well, I've been reading some of Isane's medical publications and I think I've got a pretty good grip on what to do." She reached behind her back and pulled out a textbook that was almost as big as she was. (Which, as we all well know, wasn't really that hard.) "OK, now the book says that the first thing to do is close your eyes."

"They're closed," Matsumoto said from the other side of the textbook.

"Good, now I'm going to read something to you from the book and I want you to just let your mind take it in, got that?"

"Rodger!"

"Right then, here we go... *ahem*, _Imagine that you are standing in a wide open field. Off to your left you hear a brook, gently babbling its way along. To your right you see a heard of deer come out of the woods."_ She paused for a moment, "So what are you thinking about now?"

"A stag party," Matsumoto said plainly.

Get it, _stag_? It- Oh never mind!

Rukia hung her head and pinched the bridge of her nose, "OK, let's try something with _dolphins_ this time..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"So you're sure this will work?" Matsumoto asked. She was currently lying on a stretcher in Doctor Kurosutchi's lab, working on another way to fax her alcohol problem.

Gulp.

"Of course it will," the freaky pharmacist assured her. "It's always bee 100% successful in all the simulations."

"What about the test runs?" the chesty policewoman asked hesitantly.

"Now this may sting a little," he said, not answering the question.

Double gulp!

He held up a _very_ large needle that looked _incredibly_ painful.

Gulp on a stick!

"Ow!"

"There we go!"

Wow, that was fast.

"That's it?" Matsumoto wondered.

"Yep! Try having a drink." He held out a glass of red wine out to her. Not seeing any harm she reached out and took the glass.

Only to be shocked by three million volts of electricity as she tried to take a sip.

"You see? By using the same logic as Pavlov you will eventually loose the desire for spirits, if only to stay alive."

Matsumoto twitched spasmodically on the floor, her wine spilled all around her.

She was also sizzling a little.

"And on that note...Nemu! Get in here and bring me some Phoenix Downs; we lost another one!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I'm glad Dr. Kurosutchi was able to dial down the intensity so it wouldn't kill you every time it shocked you," Kiyone said once they were back in the station.

"I'm just glad it doesn't do the same thing with other liquids," Matsumoto sighed in relief. "Though he did say to stay away from swimming pools and other large bodies of water."

"Now hopefully the rest of us will be able to get some booze!" Ichigo cheered.

Rukia eyed him wearily, "Now don't you start! We already cured one alcoholic here, and I don't want to have to do the same for another. _Especially_ if it's my own boyfriend."

"Oh I don't think you'll have to worry about _that_," Ichigo said, gesturing towards Ikkaku; the walking Pachinko Ball had already taken out a six-pack and was guzzling them for all they were worth.

Which was about $11.95.

"Boy," Nel said, awestruck, "Dat stuff's goin' fast!"

"You'd better be leaving some for the rest of us!" Tatsuki warned.

"And don't drink all the good stuff!" Yumichika added, "It's the only stuff I don't find completely repulsive."

"You mind if we take one of those?" Ichigo asked.

"Ichigo and I are going to have a romantic dinner tonight," Rukia explained, holding Ichigo's hand tenderly.

"One of these day's I'm gonna have to find myself a girlfriend..." Renji groaned.

"Well, you know where the biker bars are!" Kiyone said from across the room. She was currently taking apart and cleaning one of the Glocks from the armory.

The rock that Renji threw hit her squarely between the eyes.

"I'm gonna go get some fresh air..." he murmured as he stomped out of the building.

"At least he didn't run into my bathroom!" Ikkaku slurred happily.

"Would you let that go already!" Tatsuki shouted, kicking Ikkaku in the back of the head. "You really have to get over this stupid fixation you have with that bathroom."

Ikkaku was already unconscious and didn't hear that.

"You know," Ichigo rubbed his chin, "I've always wondered about that; even before Rukia came I always NO I AM NOT TRYING TO GET RUKIA DRUNK SO I CAN GET INTO HER PANTS!"

Everyone stopped and just stared at the carrot-topped cop.

"What?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Aaaand Hichigo strikes again. (I think I might put one of these scenes in every chapter for now on, though I doubt I'll be able to.) If for some weird reason you haven't read The Division Exchange Program yet, you need to; there are many more priceless Hichigo moments in that than there are in this one at present._

_Special announcement time! *bwet, bweh bweh bweeeeeeh!* The next chapter will include a cameo from another hit Anime/Manga series. I'll give you a hint; it's name = an elongated appendage located on the lower potion of a pixie's back._


	53. Tough Pixies

_As promised, here is the Special Cameo Chapter! Yay!_

_*crickets chirp*_

_*deadpans* Well don't everyone all cheer at once..._

_By the way, the last chapter was written like Arthur C. Clark again. Though unlike his stuff, mine isn't boring as all crap (not that I've actually read any of his stuff...) Also, you don't have to wait thirty minutes into the movie for the dialogue to start. _

_Even though there _isn't_ a Cold Fuzz movie..._

_Whatever; on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Since going off alcohol Matsumoto had changed dramatically; she went from being a slightly out of it ditz to an apathetic lazybones.

Kind of a lateral move if you ask me.

"Hey Rangiku!" Renji called from his desk, "You have the follow up on the J-jogger case yesterday?"

"It's somewhere..." she shrugged. She went back to flipping through her fashion magazine. (Apparently big breasts were in.)

"...Any idea where?" he asked, his patience wearing a little thin.

"I don't know, I just tossed it somewhere."

"You...tossed it somewhere..." Renji said slowly.

"Mmhmm."

"..."

"..."

"...YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO REMEMBER WHERE, WOULD YOU?"

He _might_ have been a little tiny bit pissed.

"Would you mind ever so kindly shutting the hell up?" Yumichika asked, "I can't harmonize my aura with all your bitching."

"You know, none of the tests I've none have ever done have conclusively proven the existence of an aura," Isane explained, holding up a chart with a bunch of different graphs on it.

"Do those graphs even mean anything?" Kiyone asked her older sister.

"Of course they do!" Isane exclaimed indignantly.

It didn't really give her much credibility.

"Would you idiots keep it down?" Tatsuki called, "I'm on the phone."

"Don't look at us," Ichigo called back, "we're busy." And with that he went back to making out with Rukia.

"Doesn't it just make you sick?" Ikkaku said, sticking his head out of the bathroom. His scalp nearly blinded everyone when the light hit it.

"Geez, lay back on the polish a bit, would you Chrome Dome?" Renji snapped.

"Yeah," Nel agreed, "I'd like ta not be in glasses beforwe I turn ten, tank you very much!"

"I thought I said shut the [censor] up!" Tatsuki pulled out her gun, "I'm on the phone with a friend of mine from high school that I haven't seen in a while and I'd like to finish my conversation in peace." Then she thought for a moment, "and even if you do mind." The she went back to her conversation.

For a few moments everyone was afraid to speak, then Tatsuki hung up the phone.

"So how's you friend?" Rukia asked, feeling a strange sense of déjà-vu, as if a situation like this had already happened once before.

...

_Naaaaah!_

"She's going to be in town for a little while and she said she's open for visits whenever."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"_Llllllllet's get ready to _rum_bleeeeeeee!"_ the announcer shouted over the stadium PA system. Strobe lights flashed in complicated patterns and thumping music blasted throughout the building, causing the gathered crowds of erupt into cheers.

And cause Isane to hyperventilate.

"Have I ever mentioned that I don't do so well in large crowds?" she asked.

There was immediately a twenty foot circle around her and the rest of the KPD.

"And this is why we never take you out anywhere," Kiyone told her older sister, sighing.

"So you're telling us that the world famous Mixed Martial Arts champion Erza 'Titania' Scarlet, the most ruthless fighting woman the world has even seen, is your friend?" Renji asked.

"Damn straight!" Tatsuki said with pride. "We both wanted to make a living beating people up, and since she was the more theatrical of the two of us this just seemed like the perfect choice."

"So why didn't you do that to?" Rukia asked, "This seems like it would pay more than being a lowly police officer."

"Nah, as a policeman I can beat up anyone I damn well please; as a professional fighter you can only beat up whoever's in the ring with you."

Down on the floor the fight bell rang.

"...I'm not sure it works like that," Rukia stammered. _Did she even read the chapter about probable cause?_

"Are legs supposed to bend that way?" Ichigo asked, his eyes morbidly glued to the carnage happening in the ring below.

"Oh please," Yumichika scoffed, "that's _nothing_ compared to what we had to do yesterday in the class at the community center."

"Is it sad that I can totally believe that?" Kiyone wondered.

"Personally, I'm more concerned with how much damage her spine is taking," Isane commented.

"This reminds me of the first time Erza and I met..." Tatsuki said, triggering one of those flashback scenes this story has become so famous for.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Young Tatsuki: *wearing a sailor fuku and applying lipstick* Dammit! This shade doesn't match my eyes either!_

_Young Erza: *walks up behind Tatsuki* Hey Arisawa, why don't you give up this girly stuff and come join us tough gals? Seriously, you've got so much hidden potential just waiting to be unleashed, I'd hate to see it wasted." _

_Tatsuki: *turns to Erza* Look, I just don't think that- *stops and hesitantly gestures to bandage over Erza's right eye* Um, what happened to your eye?_

_Erza: Oh I just beat up some of those lesbian freaks form Class 2-D on the way over here; let's just say one of them knows how to do her nails _right_._

_Chizuru:*comes skipping up* Oh Tatsuki-_chaaaaaan, _I brought that new lipstick I told you about! And some blush to boot! _

_Tatsuki: *becomes suddenly enraged* Tatsuki Special: Dragon Kick! *sends Chizuru flying* Wow, that felt surprisingly good!_

_Erza: *puts arm around Tatsuki's shoulder* And it only get's better my friend..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"After that I give up my girly ways and took to hanging out with Erza and her friends at the gym after school. We even got matching tattoos!" Tatsuki rolled up her sleeve to reveal a tattoo of a crudely drawn bear holding a shark over it's head.

"So then how come we've never seen that before?" Yumichika asked. "I mean, you were tank tops more often than not and I've never seen a tattoo there before."

"Because shut up," the female Bruce Lee said, turning back to the fight and acting like the question had never happened.

"_Winner:"_ the announcer suddenly announced, _"Erza 'Titania' Scarlet!" _The crowd erupted into cheers and jumped to their feet, shouting either their praises or nay-says to the victor.

"Come on," Tatsuki said as she stood in place, gesturing to the rest of her friends, "I'll introduce you guys."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Uncle uncle uncle uncle!" Tatsuki screamed as she was put into a choke hold by her high school chum.

"Oh my god," Kiyone deadpanned, "I never thought I'd see the day where someone would get the better of Tatsuki."

"I'm more surprised that she actually cried 'uncle'," Renji countered, "In fact I'm surprised the world hasn't ended yet because of it."

"And it never will," Erza said, flipping Tatsuki onto the ground, "because I taught Tatsuki-chan almost everything she knows about fighting." She offered Tatsuki a hand up, "It's good to see you again Fire Demon."

"Likewise," Tatsuki said she righted herself. Then the two of them embraced each other strongly.

"It's almost like she's _not scary_..." Ikkaku marveled.

"I thought she'd be taller..." Matsumoto commented offhandedly.

Erza stood about an inch shorter than Matsumoto standing tall.

"You look less drunk than the I remember Tatsuki explaining you," Erza regarded the large chested policewoman.

"Yeah, I've been trying to cut back lately," she explained.

"We're all real proud of her," Ichigo said, clapping her on the shoulder.

And that's when the robot-pirate-ninja attacked.

"Dammit..." Erza sighed, "this is the _fifth_ time this week this has happened. You'd think they'd get tired of coming after me after the 78th attempt, wouldn't you?"

Then she turned and charged at the mob of stealthy, mechanical buccaneers.

Five seconds later it was all over.

"Try to give me a challenge next time, would ya?" she said, kicking the last one out the window.

"Didn't I tell you guys she was great?" Tatsuki asked her comrades, a smile of maniacal glee plastered on her face.

"I never thought I'd see the day where someone would make _Tatsuki_ seem tame..." Rukia breathed.

Renji immediately ran to the window to check if the apocalypse was happening yet.

"I'd hate to be here when it's her time of the month..." shuddered Kiyone.

"OH," Ikkaku countered, "_NO ONE_ could be worse than Tatsuki on her pe-"

Suddenly a monstrous rage that could put demons to shame emanated from Erza, blasting Ikkaku through the wall.

A moment later he crashed through the opposite wall.

"I stand corrected..." he whimpered shakily, fainting.

He was wearing leiderhosen and a rice farmer's hat, holding a tribal war spear.

"_Damn girl_ you got distance!" Ichigo exclaimed.

"If I _really_ wanted to go for distance," Erza explained, "he would have passed _Pluto_ before coming back.

"Actually," she said, "this isn't even my best work."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou: *thinking* _Should I ask her? I mean, she's just sitting there all by herself, sipping her coffee. Maybe she was stood up by someone? If that's the case, then maybe she needs someone to talk with about it. OK, I'm going to do it, I'm going to- Oh...someone else walked up already... Well, I suppose it just wasn't meant to- Hang on, it's just the waiter. Maybe I still have a chance! OK, no more chickening out, I'm gonna do it! I'll just walk over and ask her if I could sit down. ...But she might get suspicious and pull a can of mace on me like those last five women did. Or she could pull out a gun like Tatsuki did... And it was a shotgun to- No! I'm thinking about this to hard; I just need to go over to her and sincerely ask-

_Zaraki: *suddenly appears behind Hanatarou* GET ON WITH IT! *kicks Hanatarou right into Erza's chest*_

_Erza: *disturbingly calm, given the the circumstances* Is there any **particular** reason you have your face in my boobs?_

_Hanatarou: *dejectedly* Um...no, I can't really think of anything...please don't kill me?_

_Erza: *smiles sweetly and flicks Hanatarou into the ionosphere*_

_Hanatarou: WAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOEEY!" *disappears in a twinkle*_

_*Five minutes later Hanatarou crashes back into the KPD building wearing a toga, a viking helmet, a swishy should cape, and holding Excalibur*_

_Hanatarou: Honey, I'm home...! *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"First time I broke the time barrier too. Anyways, why don't we all go for a drink or something? I just heard about this new bar that opened up recently called the Snuggly Duckling, you guys ever been?"

"Occasionally," Yumichika said, "We know the owner."

"And the former owner," Kiyone piped in.

"I like puppies..." Ikkaku moaned from the floor, suffering from a mild concussion.

Yeah, it was gonna take more than a little wax to fix his melon up this time.

He still had his leiderhosen on, by the way.

"I still can't drink, remember?" Matsumoto pointed out. When Erza looked at her skeptically, she explained, "I have a chip in me that gives me a shock whenever I so much as touch a bottle of alcohol."

"You could always have non-alcoholic beer, couldn't you?" Isane asked.

Matsumoto looked at her quizzically.

"What's this...'Non-alcoholic beer' you speak of?"

"Never mind..." the silver haired medic sighed.

"You can have water, right?" Erza wondered.

"Water's boring," Matsumoto pouted.

"What about flavored water?" the MMA diva amended.

"Wouldn't that be juice then?" Boobs- I mean Rangiku countered.

"Isn't there a way to turn the chip off so you could have a drink every now and then?" Rukia wondered.

"Well I didn't get this remote control for it..." Matsumoto said.

"...And?" Everyone leaned in close.

"I lost it."

Everyone fell to the floor.

"Hang on a second," Ichigo exclaimed, "were did Nel run off to?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Nel was currently in the cage, putting the smackdown on some chick four times her size.

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" the chick screamed, "I GIVE! NOW WOULD YOU LET ME GO PLEASE?"

"Not untilw I get a pony!" the tiny tot of terror announced.

"I'LL GIVE YOU TEN PONIES, JUST PLEASE- OH _GAAAWD_ I CAN'T FELL MY ARMS ANYMORE!"

"One's fine Yamada Nee-san," Nel told Hanatarou's older sister brightly as she let her go.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_So we find out that Hanatarou has an older sister. _

…_I can definitely see the family resemblance._

_Anyways, next time the KPD are going on a trip! (Don't worry, it's of their own choosing this time.) It's someplace with a lot of flashing lights and gambling, and I'll give you a hint, it ain't Reno._


	54. What happens is Reno

_Iiiiiit's Vegas Baby! And you know what that means!..._

_Well, you know...stuff..._

_Oh just read on, you'll see! _

_And the last chapter is brought to you by William Gibson, author of Neuromancer. I've been looking at the rest of his body of work, and a good portion of it is Sci-Fi. If you're into Sci-Fi, I doubt it would hurt to give him a look. _

_And now, Ladies and Germs, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Ah, Vegas... The City of Lights, an epicenter of culture...or was that Paris? _Ah_ doesn't matter, the only thing we really need to know is that _that's_ where the KPD was spending a well earned vacation. (Not that they really did anything anyways...)

"Bring on the showgirls!" Ikkaku announced as they walked into their hotel. "I'mma ready to score!"

"I _almost_ hate to break it to you Chrome Dome," Tatsuki said, rolling her eyes, "but I highly doubt any of them are even remotely in your league. Besides, this isn't that kind of hotel."

They were all staying in a Motel 7.

"It sure was nithe or your fwiend to give us tickets to Las Vegas Tatsuki," Nel said, lugging about fifty pounds of luggage behind her like it was no big deal.

Which it wasn't.

"How the crap could a four year old have that much luggage?" Kiyone wondered, flabbergasted. "Let alone _carry_ it?"

"I can't wait to hit the Roulette tables," Matsumoto said cheerfully, then pulled a 180 and sighed, slumping her shoulders, "though I'm going to miss hitting the bars..."

"Maybe you could come see Siegfried & Roy with Ichigo and I instead," Rukia suggested.

"That sounds fun and all," Yumichika said dismissively, "but my cricket and I are going to spend the entire trip in a spa."

"We never said _you_ could join us, Feather Face," Ichigo snapped. (Candidly, he wasn't really to keen on Matsumoto coming either; it was supposed to be just him and Rukia.) "And why'd you bring your cricket along anyways?"

"Because shut up," he said snootily, upturning his nose and huffing on his merry way.

They could hear his cricket chirp as it's owner walked away.

"I'm just glad we got here safely," Isane said, breathing a sigh of relief, "I wasn't sure how much longer our van would last."

Did I mention that took their piece of [censor] van to Vegas with them?

"I was a bit worried when the cooling fan started to mutate," Renji said offhandedly, "but thankfully it once again proved that there's nothing that a good 9mm can't fix!" He twirled his gun for a second before putting it back in it's holster.

"Personally," Rukia said, "I was more worried when Nel's booster seat tried to eat her."

"This is what happens when you buy the cheapest model," Tatsuki sighed, shaking her head. "One of these day you people will end up listening to me..."

"Hello there!~" a cute girl at the desk said, "Welcome to Motel 7; do you have reservations?~"

"Yes," Ichigo said, taking the role of spokesperson for the group, "they should be under KPD?"

"Um...Ah yes, right here!~" She made a note in the ledger and took out nine card keys, handing them to the fiery haired cop, "Please enjoy your stay!~"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"This place sucks _ass_," Tatsuki said, surveying the temporary living arrangements of the female cops.

And suck ass it did; even before their eyes had taken anything in, the _smell_ that impacted them as they opened the door was, well...let's just say that it made certain landfills seem like preferable alternatives.

"It smells like something _died_ in here!" Kiyone remarked. Then she looked down and saw the chalk outline on the floor.

"Are you sure it isn't that steaming pile of crap where the bed's supposed to be?" Tatsuki asked.

"Um," Isane interjected hesitantly, "I think that steaming pile of crap _is_ the bed..."

"Man I wish I could still drink right now..." Matsumoto sighed, snapping her fingers.

"Well," Nel said, "at least de guys can't be much worwse."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Where's the room?" Ikkaku asked, looking into the empty space where the hotel room should be.

"I knew I should have booked through Travelocity..." Ichigo moaned.

"I sure hope Micheal Jackson is having fun," Renji growled sarcastically.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Yumichika was currently sitting in a mud bath with a face mask and those little cucumber things on his eyes.

"Maybe after the hazmat team clears everything up I can put one of these in the upstairs bathroom," he pondered, letting himself sink a little further into the soothing goop.

"Sir," one of the female attendants said, "would you like to try our hotsprings? They're very well renowned and are said to be very helpful in clearing chi."

"Mmmm..." Yumichika sighed, "you had me at 'sir'..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

After everyone commandeered a different room for their respective groups (on the excuse that they were using them for a stakeout) they all headed over to the casino next door.

"I can't wait to hit the slot machines," Kiyone cheered, "They're my best game!"

"I'm heading straight for the Gentleman's Club," Ikkaku announced, heading off purposefully to wherever the adult entertainment was located.

"How long do you think before he gets kicked out?" Renji asked.

"Knowing Ikkaku I'd say five minutes," Isane guessed.

"That boy isn't even going to last five _seconds_," Tatsuki corrected. "And even if he does get in he's so fugly that no one will want to get close to give him a lap dance, let alone talk to him."

This is true. (Remember the glasses thing?)

"Whatever," Ichigo said dismissively, "Rukia and I are off to see some guys about a pair of tigers- Rukia, what is it?"

"Did anyone see where Nel went?"

…

…

…

_Craaaaaap!_

Isane started bugging out about it.

"Oh no, she's lost! I mean, she was just here a minute ago... _Oooh_, there are so many things that could happen to a young girl in a large crowd like this; she could get lost, or trampled, she could fall into a fountain and drown, or get her arm torn off in a Roulette wheel, or skewered on one of the performer's costumes, or-"

"All right people, place or bets!" Nel called, having set up a little table and holding a shell game on it. "Remember to keep your eye on the birdie," she said, "because you'll never know where it'll end up!"

"Nelliel tu Odelshvank!" the medic of the KPD gasped indignantly, "No starting a gambling racket in a casino!"

"Aw come on Isane-chan!" Nel protested, collecting her spoils, "I was just shtarting ta make a pwofit!"

"No excuses," she said, snatching the money from the young girl's hand. "This is going straight into your college fund."

"Geez..." Nel pouted, puffing her cheeks out, "a girl tries to make a buck..."

"Hey Rukia," Matsumoto said, "can we get going now? We've had enough distractions and I want to see the- Ooh, a drink fountain!" She squealed and ran towards a fountain that was shooting a clear liquid in a mushroom shape.

"Hang on a sec Rangiku," Renji called after her, "that's-"

Just as Matsumoto scooped up a glass of the liquid her implant activated and shocked the living hell out of her.

Which caused her to fall into the fountain.

Which made an even larger storm of arcing electricity around the fountain.

The fountain was filled with vodka.

No one else noticed by the way.

"We brought Phoenix Downs with us, right?" asked Tatsuki as she stared at the spectacle.

"I think they're back in New Room #2," Renji said.

"It's all right..." Matsumoto choked out once the lightning stopped crackling, "I think the implant shorted out- Which means...I CAN DRINK AGAIN!" She immediately grabbed a glass and started dumping the stuff down her throat.

"Well that lasted longer than I thought it would..." Rukia murmured.

"Is she done already?" Ichigo wondered. Matsumoto had currently drained the entire fountain and was leaning over the side of the base, hiccuping to her heart's content.

"I think it's time to reinstate the lock on the booze cabinet," Tatsuki said.

"*hic!*" Matsumoto hiccuped.

"I'll see to the eki-kyabe stores when we get back..." Isane said, looking around the floor. "Has anyone seen my sister?"

"Didn't she say she'd be over by the slot machine," Renji reminded the nervous medic.

Over by the slot machines Kiyone was hunched over one of the cabinets, _willing_ it to give her the winning three slots.

Bar-bar-bar.

"DAMMIT!"

"No luck?" Ichigo asked, he and Rukia walking up to the towheaded cop.

"Don't worry," she said pulled the lever again, her eye twitching a little bit, "I have a feeling my luck is about to change."

Bar-bar-bar.

"DAMMIT!"

Bar-bar-bar.

"DAMMIT!"

Bar-bar-bar.

"DAMMIT!"

"Um, Kiyone?" Rukia said hesitantly, "Maybe you should take a break now-"

"I CAN DO THIS!" she screamed, starting to foam at the mouth.

Seven...

"Yes...!"

Seven...

"YES...!"

And finally...

"Come on baby, sevens all the way!"

…

…

…

Bar.

"WHAT?" Kiyone exploded. Then the slot machine spun the slots one more time.

_Damn!_-you-suck.

"[censor]DAMMIT THIS [censor] PIECE OF [censor] [censor] WITH A [censor] GARDEN HOE [censor] PIECE OF [censor] [censor] [censor] MONKEY [censor] [censor] ON A [censor]ING TUNA SANDWICH!"

Kiyone wasn't really taking it well.

Rukia and Ichigo backed up about twenty feet.

"_OK_, time to leave," Tatsuki said, grabbing the now rabid policewoman and dragging her out the front door. "You guys grab Matsumoto and Pachinko Ball, then we'll swing by and pick Yumi-kun up from his spa session."

"Speaking of which," Rukia said, "what happened to Ikkaku anyways?"

No sooner had her question been answered than Ikkaku trudged back over to his friends, looking more miserable than a puppy with an empty food bowl.

Or Hanatarou when he realizes that it _wasn't_ all a dream.

"The club not that good?" Renji asked him.

"I didn't even make it in the front door..." he moaned.

"Yes! I just earned twenty bucks!" Tatsuki pumped her fist before holding her hand out to collect her spoils.

"I've got Matsumoto," Isane announced, dragging the newly inebriated large chested policewomen.

"Man, Big Boobies needs ta lay off on the heavy shtuff," Nel grunted, bringing up Matsumoto's legs.

"And yet she can carry crap loads of luggage," Renji said, disbelieving.

"I propose that we never take a group vacation again," Ichigo said, raising his hand high. Everyone else present did likewise.

Including the other highrollers.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I don't know what you guys are complaining about," Yumichika said once they all arrived back at the station, "_I_ had the time of my life."

"Yeah, that's because all you had to do was sit around and have people wait on you hand and foot," Kiyone retorted, huffing. "The rest of us weren't so lucky..."

"No, that was just _you_," Ikkaku pointed out. "That and you flipped out and tried to strangle a slot machine.

"Oh _please_," Kiyone scoffed, "I was trying to choke it, not strangle it."

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"I didn't like it one bit!" Nel announced, "Dere wasn't anyting dere for kids to do, and when I twied to make my own entorwtainment it gets taken away fwom me too!"

"That's because children your age shouldn't be gambling like that," Isane lectured. "For that matter children shouldn't be gambling at all!"

"I'm glad I can drink again!" Matsumoto said, chugging down a can o' brusky.

"You're not gonna go overboard like before," Rukia asked, "are you?"

"Oh don't worry," Matsumoto said, waving dismissively, "I'm not going to turn unto a whino again; I forgot how good thinking felt!"

"Good to hear," Tatsuki patted her friend on her the back, "now the rest of us can finally lay back a pint or two."

"We didn't even get to see Siegfried & Roy!" Ichigo exclaimed, "And those tickets were non-refundable!"

"I don't mind too much," Rukia said, hugging his arm, "snuggling on the ride back was more than enough to make up for it." Ichigo smile down at her and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you," he said.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And on that happy note we end the chapter. I hope you all enjoyed the- Hey, who are you? And what are you doing the that ax...oh. Now h-hang on a sec, I'm sure we can work something out- AAAHHH!-_

_*footage missing*_

_Sorry about that, *says while holding a bloody ax*, but that isn't really the end of the story; there's still a little bit more..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Would you guys just get a room already?" Renji exasperated. "What are you, five?"

"Hey I wesent dat!" Nel exclaimed indignantly.

"You're only four," Kiyone pointed out flatly.

"Same dif'wence..." she said, her voice sounding small. (No pun intended; those are to use on Rukia.)

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And _that,_ is the real ending. Oh come on, this is a humor story! You didn't think I'd end it on a sappy note, did you? _

_On another note, I have another special coming up soon and I need all your help to make it possible. It's going to be a sort of "ask the characters" special, and the victims- I MEAN the willing participants will be...Loly and Menoly, the lesbian hooker Espada! So starting now and for the next couple chapters send in any questions you can think of to those girls; the sky's the limit, and the more inane the question the better! (Just keep it relatively kiddy friendly please.)_


	55. Green Eyed Pineapple pt1

_So how many of you want another pairing? _

_Well, you're gettin' one, whether you want it or not. _

_And like usual, the last chapter was brought to you by a famous author, and this time it just so happens that it's (Sir) Ian Fleming, the mind behind Agent 007 himself. In celebration, go watch your favorite Bond movie. _

_You know, I mean, after you're done reading this and all..._

_And before we get this wagon train a'rolling, here's a hint about the relationship: it's Isane. And another guy. _

_And now, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

It had been days now since the KPD got back from Vegas, having all agreed not to repeat the experience. (Or talk about it really. "What happens in Vegas" and all that...)

"Hey, has anyone seen my brass knuckles?" Tatsuki asked from her desk, leafing through a newspaper and chewing gum.

"Why?" Nel asked, looking up at the female Bruce Lee curiously, "It'th not like you'rwe doing anything."

"Yeah," Tatsuki agreed, "but I could, and if I do I want to have them within easy reach."

"But nothing ever happens around here," Matsumoto pointed out. She was sitting on top of her desk filing her nails. "Ever since you went on your 'spring cleaning' kick all of the criminals have been too scared to commit any crimes! And my paycheck hinges on catching bad guys!"

"Come to think of it," Ichigo said, "it's been at least two weeks since any noticeable crime was committed."

"Yeah," agreed Renji, "the worst we've gotten was that rash of prank phone calls, and even those-" He stopped when the ringing of the telephone interrupted his little rant. "Hello?...Yes this is, but-...Is my WHAT running?...Look, we don't even have one of those he- But you know who does? Mayuri Kurosutchi..._Oooooooh_ yes...No I don't; just try asking the operator for 1313 Mockingbird Lane...Yeah, you too...Laters." He hung up the phone.

"Who was that?" Rukia asked, sprinkling some food into Quincy's food dish.

This was all sounding _very_ familiar.

But like usual no one thought anything of it.

"One of those prank callers I was telling you about," the red fern with racing stripes explained, "and it wasn't even a good one! She asked if my Quantum Corbofluxinator was working."

"We don't have one of those," Kiyone pointed out.

"I know, which is why I referred her to Dr. Prof. Kurosutchi."

"...And you didn't find anything wrong with that?" Ichigo wondered.

"Not really, no," he said, completely serious.

"How did you people ever survive without me...?" Ichigo sighed tiredly, letting his head fall in his hands.

"Has anyone seen my hoop earrings?" Isane asked as she rummaged around her cluttered desk. She was wearing a blouse and skirt with a burgundy Cardigan sweater.

"What for? You got a hot date tonight?" Ikkaku asked. "Gonna be doing a little of the old Hanky-panky? The Funky Monkey? The Lucky Fu-"

Matsumoto's arm suddenly snapped out to the side, disappeared partially into the micro-climate, only to reappear next to Ikkaku's face, socking him right in the kisser.

"Oh thank _Gaaawwwd!_" she moaned contentedly, drawing her arm back and flexed it a little, "I've had that cramp in my arm all day; that sudden snap really did the trick."

"So why do you need your earrings 'Nee-chan?" Kiyone asked, holding up the offending ear-wear.

"Because I'm meeting an old friend from Highschool and the place is kind of upscale," she explained, taking the earrings and attaching them to her nose. Then she- What? _Not_ the nose? But she- OH! Her _ears_! Well _that_ makes more sense. *turns to reader* I'm terribly sorry about this folks, we now return you to your regularly scheduled Fanfic.

"Didn't you just do that?" Matsumoto wondered.

"Oh I didn't meet Hinamori-chan until I got into college; Hisagi and I have known each other since Highschool, though we haven't really kept in touch for a few years now."

"You're not gonna make us stand outside again, are you?" Renji asked. He got minor frostbite from the last time and wasn't eager to repeat the experience.

"Nothing like that," she said, "I'm just not going to tell you where I'm going." And with that she grabbed her coat and sauntered out the front door.

Two seconds later half the force was following her.

Ichigo, Rukia, Renji, and Tatsuki to be precise.

Everyone else was too lazy.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Man," Rukia panted, "I didn't think I'd have to run that fast!"

"I know!" Ichigo agreed, "I almost came close to actually fearing for my life NO I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT HOW HOT SHE LOOKS COVERED IN SWEAT YOU [censor]ING MORON!"

"I sure as hell hope you're not talking about _me_," Tatsuki warned, staring in abject shock.

Rukia and Renji did likewise.

"No!" Ichigo said quickly, hoping to somehow (and improbably) salvage the situation, "I meant Rukia."

Bwah bwah bwaaaaah!

Rukia was now even more shocked.

"Not better?" he wondered sheepishly.

They all shook their heads in unison.

"It was Hichigo, OK?" he broke down. "It's not like I _want_ to be thinking these things!"

"I for one wasn't expecting Kenpachi to be waiting outside the door for us," Renji said, deciding to ignore the mad ravings of his comrade.

"I'm surprised he agreed to help Isane keep us from following her," Rukia said. "Though I can understand why she asked him that in the first place." Then a thought struck her, "Come to think of it, why am I with you guys to begin with?"

"Well, Turkey Head there took off after Isane almost as soon as she left," Renji glowered, "and then miss 'attack first, worry about whether it was a good to do it in the first place later' raced after him," Tatsuki glowered as well, "and I took off after her to try and talk them out of it I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR WALL, HICHIGO!"

"..."

"-And then you ran after me, shouting for me to wait up," he continued, acting like his little outburst hadn't even happened. "Then we met Kenpachi and ran like hell before he ground us all into dust."

"Oh yeah, I remember now!"

"Doesn't that guy have a day job?" Renji wondered, referring to the man mountain that they just escaped.

"I think he works as a bouncer part time," Tatsuki said.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Zaraki: *checking names off a list as club-goers pass by* Fine...fine...fine...fine- Hang on Pansy, you're not on the list._

_Hanatarou: B-b-but you just let me in there an hour ago! ...And for that matter you know me, why can't you let me by?_

_Zaraki: *shrugs* Rules is rules; if your name ain't on the list, you don't get in. _

_Hanatarou: *does puppy eyes*_

_Zaraki: OK, you've changed my mind._

_Hantarou: *genuinely surprised* Really? _

_Zaraki: Yeah; I was just going to tell you to _[censor]_ off, but now you're going to get the "special" treatment.*Spartan Kick's Hanatarou through twelve buildings*_

_Hanatarou: *in park fountain* If you'd like to leave a message, please wait for the faint... *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Seems stable," Rukia mused.

"Can we get back to tailing Isane now?" Renji asked, "Cause I for one want to see what kind of douchebag she's having lunch with." He was ringing his hands eagerly, with a devious smile plastered on his face.

"This isn't going to be like Rangiku's date, Renji," Rukia chided. "Besides, she's with a friend form Highschool."

"And even if she was on a date, you'll probably try and pathetically deny it like last time as well," Tatsuki added.

"Hey, I didn't do that!" Renji indignantly denied.

"Would you blockheads keep it down?" Ichigo hissed, looking through a pair of binoculars. "I'm trying to get a bead on Isane."

Everyone else immediately had their own long range viewing devices out.

"Is her friend here yet?" Tatsuki asked, looking through the scope on her sniper rifle.

"Um, Tatsuki, where did you get that?" Rukia asked hesitantly, fearing the potential answer as usual.

"...You don't want to know," she said simply.

Rukia began inching away from her and closer to Ichigo.

"There she is," Renji announced, "second table from the left!"

"That's just an old lady, Renji," Rukia corrected.

"She's right," the other two confirmed.

"Whatever," he said, trying to keep hold on the smidgen of pride he had left, "Not all of us can afford expensive, new gadgets." He looked at everyone else's viewing devices that gleamed like they had just come out of the box.

His looked like it had been eaten by a hippo, regurgitated, eaten up again, and then crapped out into a mud hole.

"_There_ she is," Tatsuki said, "on the _other_ side."

"Oh yeah..." Rukia now spotted her comrade on side other said, looking over a menu.

"Happy now, Pineapple Head?" Tatsuki said tiredly. "She's just sitting there by herself; her friend isn't even here yet."

"Someone's walking up to the table," Ichigo announced.

Tatsuki looked over at him, "That's probably just the waiter."

"He's sitting down at the table."

"Yeah well maybe he's just tired-"

"And he's not wearing a uniform."

"Well that's cause he's probably on break-"

"Oh for crap's sake Tatsuki, that's her friend!" Rukia exploded.

Now everyone was staring at her.

"Sorry," she apologized sheepishly, "it's just that it feels like we've done this before."

"You guys shtalked someone they'we date before?" Nel asked, suddenly in their midst.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET HERE?" everyone shrieked.

"I walked," she said, not understanding what her friends were getting at. "Why?"

"..._Why_ are you here?" Rukia asked instead. (She didn't feel like thinking too hard about this one.)

"I got borwed of keeping Yumi-kun and Blady-kun from killing each other, and Kiyone-chan and Big Boobies were just sitting around doing nothing, so I came to see what you guyth were doing."

"Oh..."

"Tho who's on a date?" the tiny tot asked.

"Isane's having lunch with someone she knew from Highschool," Tatsuki explained, now back spying on the nervous medic. "Now that you mention it, he's not too bad looking."

Renji noticeably twinged, but no one paid any attention to him.

"They look like dey're having fun," Nel said, looking through Ichigo's binoculars, choking the man in the process.

Steam began to rise from Reanji's head.

"Oxygen!...need...!" Ichigo gasped.

"Nel he's still wearing them!" Rukia cried.

"Ah! Sowwy Istygo!" Nel hastily let the binoculars go, giving Ichigo back control of his windpipe.

"Stupid high quality neckstrap..." Ichigo mumbled, rubbing his throat.

"Hey guys, check this out!" Tatsuki called, "I think they're making out now!"

Renji suddenly erupted in fire.

"Um, Mithter Renji?" Nel ventured hesitantly, "Your body's on firwe..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Check closer Nel, I believe you'll find that his eyes are also green. _

_But why is Renji acting like this? Well you know what? I'm not going to tell you. Ain't I a stinker?_

_You'll just have to wait for the next chapter to find out, and keep sending in those questions for Loly and Menoly! _


	56. Green Eyed Pineapple pt2

_Well I think I made y'all wait long enough, so this chapter should shed some light on things, ne? _

_But before we get into that, here's a word from our sponsors. The last chapter was brought to you by Raymond Chandler, an early twentieth century novelist known for writing hard-boiled detective stories. I've never read them myself, but I'd assume their very noirish. _

_And now, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I tink Mithter Renji bwoke himself," Nel said as she stared at the unmoving Renji.

He was still on fire by the way.

"Maybe we should just leave him be for now," Rukia suggested hesitantly, peeking out from behind Ichigo.

The fact that Renji was on fire but not burning up kind of frightened her.

"I'll take care this," Tatsuki said confidently, striding over to the unmoving, red haired cop. "Oi, Eyebrows! Snap the [censor] out of it already!" She smacked him across the face, which for some weird reason (in addition to snapping him out of his trance) caused the fire to instantly vanish.

"That _bastard!_" he shouted, jumping to his feet. "Who does he think he is, taking advantage of her like that?"

"Um, yeah...what?" Ichigo said, having sufficiently recovered from being choked by Nel a minute ago.

"That douchebag she's sharing saliva with down there!" Renji pointed emphatically down at the restaurant, "I mean, he's clearly just going out with her for her body."

"OK," Ichigo said, "first of all, where the [censor] did that come from?"

"Yeah," Rukia agreed, "you're acting kind of weird."

"I'm not acting weird," Renji protested, his eyebrow twitching a little.

"Yeah...and second, how do you know what this guy's intentions towards Isane are? You ever met this guy?"

"Well..." Renji struggled to come up with some sort of believable excuse as to how he knew Isane's date.

"The answer would be no, _idiot_," Tatsuki explained to him.

"He's Isane-chan's shweethart from Highschool," Nel exclaimed suddenly, causing Rukia to turn and stare at her.

"How do you know that?" Rukia wondered.

"Isane-chan told me about him at bedtime once. She twied to make it seem like a story, but she'th not a vewy good liar."

"It doesn't matter if I know him or not," Renji continued to protest, "there's just something about him that grinds my gears."

"Like the fact that he's good looking and making eyes at our resident medic?" Tatsuki suggested, taken to spying on Isane through her sniper scope. "Oh and look at that, he's got a tattoo on the left side of his face."

Renji grabbed his piece of crap binoculars and focused in on the man sitting across from Isane. On his cheekbone was the number '69'.

"He's a punk!" Renji exclaimed. "I mean, who falls for a guy with tattoos?"

"Oh I just don't know..." Ichigo deadpanned, mercifully forgetting to point out Renji's self damning logic.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

"I'm _booooooored_!" Matsumoto whined. She already went through a few tens of bottles of French wine and was itching do something else to pass the time. "Let's play a game or something, just as long as we're not sitting around doing nothing."

"You ran out of booze or something?" Ikkaku asked, polishing his scalp with a damp rag.

"No, I still have plenty of booze left," she explained, "I'm just saving the rest for later. Now what game are we going to play?"

Yumichika raised his finger, "I have a copy of Twister somewhere around here-"

"NO!" everyone shouted.

They were remembering the time Yumichika made them do Yoga.

"I'd like to keep my liver where it is, thank you very much," Kiyone said resolutely.

"And since I cut back on my professional boozing my tolerance for pain isn't as high as it used to be," the woman with the figure of a porn star explained as she knocked back a generic eight ounce can of beer.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"How about something calm," Kiyone suggested, "like rugby or hockey or something."

"Too much moving," Matsumoto said, "I wanna do something that's fun and you can so sitting down."

"How about strip poker?" Ikkaku brought up, waggling his eyebrows. "You can play sitting down and you only have to get up if you loose."

"Anything that makes _you_ happy," Kiyone deadpanned, "_doesn't_ give me a good feeling; no _way_ am I playing something where I loose my clothes."

"We could always just play Connect Four?" Yumichika suggested.

Three minutes later (and after much arguing) they all just decided to watch Spanish soap operas until the others got back.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I think they're leaving now," Tatsuki announced, finally putting down her gun. Rukia and Ichigo got up from under the tree they decided to cuddle under, and Renji just stayed where he plopped himself down an hour ago, pouting like an angry child (puffy cheeks and everything).

"Does she have her new _boyfriend_ with her?" he sneered, putting as much hate and loathing into the word 'boyfriend' as he could.

"OK, _seriously,_" Ichigo said, "what the crap is your problem? Ever since you saw Isane and that stud she liked in Highschool share a kiss you've been acting...what's the phrase?"

"Out of character?" Rukia suggested.

"Bug nuts, that's it." He stared hard at Renji, "What the [censor] is your deal?"

"_Waaaiiit_ a minute, I know what's going on," Tatsuki snapped her fingers, "you've got the hots for Isane, don't you?"

"_Awww!~"_ Rukia cooed, "_that is sooooo sweet!"_

"~Isane-chan and Renji, sitting in a tree,~" Nel sang teasingly, "~F-U-C-"

"Nel!" Rukia cried, "Who taught you that?"

"Baldy-kun," Nel said bluntly.

"Since when have you liked Isane like that?" Ichigo asked a still pouting Renji.

"I don't know...a long time now," he said, deciding to finally come out of the closet about this. "I guess I just always assumed she was afraid to get into that kind of relationship. You know, since she's got a phobia of pretty much everything else under the sun..."

Random important life lesson! Remember kids, when you assume something you just make an ass out of "U" and "me". If you don't know something for sure, don't be afraid to ask questions. Just remember to ask them sincerely, respectfully, and gently.

And now back to picking on Renji!

"You are such a wuss!" Tatsuki guffawed. "What, you didn't even think to ask before you decided that?"

See kiddies?

"Yeah well relationships aren't as easy for me as they are for _some_ people." He glared pointedly at "some people" (here meaning Ichigo).

"Renji," Rukia said, putting a hand out to stop her boyfriend from starting a fight, "you should go tell her that you want to be her boyfriend if you really feel that way."

"And stop being a wuss about it," Tatsuki added, somewhat lacking in the tact department.

"Thanks for the encouraging words..." he said sarcastically. "But despite that I'm going to go tell her right now anyway!" He got up and strode purposefully down the hill to confess his love to the KPD's frightful medic.

Rukia was about to go after him and tell him that she didn't mean he should go right this second when Tatsuki pulled her back.

"Let him be," the female Bruce Lee told her.

"Ohhhh," Rukia nodded, "cause this is something he needs to do to grow as a person, right?"

"Pfft, _hell_ no!" Tatsuki scoffed, "It's because whatever happens gonna be damn hilarious is what!" She held up a video camera (which had also materialized from Hammerspace), "And it's going straight on the internet afterward!"

_Finally_, Rukia thought wryly, _a new low to be surprised at._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"You know that was incredibly stupid of you to do," Isane gently chastised as she bandaged the red headed policeman up.

"Especially when you let him get in this right hook here," Ikkaku chuckled as Tatsuki played back the video of him getting his ass kicked by Hisagi on her computer.

On the Internet. (Sure it would embarrass the hell out of him for years, but he figured that not dying by one of Tatsuki's special attacks for trying to take it down was a good trade off.)

"I guess kissing you straight on the lips after shoving him away from you didn't help matters much, did it?" he asked, wincing as she put alcohol (don't worry, it's the rubbing kind) on a small cut above his eye.

"Not really," Isane shook her head, "but if you'd go through getting beat up by an old crush just to prove you had feelings for me, then I suppose I'll reciprocate them." She leaned in and have him a peck on the cheek.

"They make a nice couple," Rukia said as she petted Quincy, "don't they?"

"I didn't know guy'th voices could get dat high," Nel commented, watching the video.

"Sappy romantic stuff is _your_ department," Ichigo told her, "I just live in this relationship."

"Hee hee," Matsumoto chuckled, looking over Ikkaku's shoulder, "Wet Willies are classic!"

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

The strange thing was that he wasn't in it.

Suddenly the phone rang and Rukia, since she happened to be the closest, answered it.

"Hello? Ukitake-san! Yes, Ichigo and I are doing fine. Oh, OK, I'll tell everyone." She hung up the phone, "Guys, Ukitake-san just called; he says there's a woman at the Snugly Duckling who's causing a bit of a ruckus at the bar and he wants us to do something about it."

Everyone was still watching the video on Tatsuki's computer.

Isane was bandaging up Renji and he was going "Ow..." occasionally.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"He said she was wearing Daisy Dukes and a black tank top, and was waving around a pair of Cutlass pistols."

"I know who that is," Tatsuki said, standing abruptly. "We should probably get there before she blows the whole place up."

"Well then what are we waiting for?" Matsumoto said urgently, already halfway out the door, "The booze is in terrible danger!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Who is this mysterious woman that may or may not destroy all the booze at the Snugly Duckling? Well, I just gave you a ton of clues, so is you put those ol' noggin's of yours to work you should figure it out relatively easy. _

_But just cause I'm a nice guy, I'll give y'all another hint; part of the name of this anime has to do with Ichigo's signature color. (And if your mind immediately went to Naruto because of that hint, then you fail. I_ clearly_ meant black._)

_Anyways, keep thinking up those questions to ask Loly and Menoly for their Q&A special. They're getting a bit...'restless' if you know what I mean. _

_It's kinda scary..._


	57. The censor Chapter

_So, did anyone figure out who this next guest is yet? Well, I can assure you you'll _definitely_ remember her after this is done. _

_Anywhosen, the last chapter was brought to you by Cory Doctorow, a British-Canadian science fiction author and co-editor of the blog "Boing Boing". Some notable works of his are Down and out in the Magic Kingdom, and Little Brother. _

_And just for the record, Renji and Isane's relationship is what we in the business call "kinda almost there", meaning they're technically dating each other but it's not as plainly displayed like Rukia and Ichigo's is. _

_Just sayin'. _

_Oh would you look at that, another drinking game! Every time a profanity gets bleeped out, take a drink._

_And now, without further adieu, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"[censor], what's a girl gotta [censor]ing do to get another [censor]ing drink around here? [censor]," said girl mumbled as she waved her pistol around in an aimless and slightly inebriated fashion. She was about in her early twenties with short black hair that she had tied behind her head.

She also had on Daisy Dukes held up by an army belt and a tank top that was rolled up just above her stomach.

"I said get me another [censor]ing beer!" She emptied the clip of one of her Cutlasses into the ceiling, causing and bunch of pigeons to come falling down.

"Aw great..." Ukitake sighed, "I just cleaned up the last of those yesterday."

"Hey, [censor]face," the woman called, "where the [censor]'s my [censor]ing drink?"

"Oh I'm going to get it right now," he said as he made his way for the entrance, not caring if she actually believed him or not. His nerves were nearing their breaking point and if someone didn't do something about that girl he was probably going to-

SCREEEEEE-CRASH!

"Dammit!" someone cried from the wreckage of the KPD's police van (not that it was a significant improvement by any means mind you). "I knew it was a bad sign when the windshield started to grow hair!"

"I told you to pull over when that started happening!" someone else retorted.

"The seat is looking at me weird again!" a child said, sounding slightly scared.

"Don't worry Nel, we're getting out of the car now," Isane told her as she climbed out a window. When she was completely out she then reached back in and helped Nel climb out.

"I don't understand," Renji said as he kicked some rubble off of himself, "I just gave this van a tune up last week!"

"I think you just answered your own question," Yumichika said from still inside the wreckage. "Now could someone please get Matsumoto off of me?"

"Do you guys need a hand?" Ukitake asked as he jogged over to the wreck. Once they were all out the former police captain explained to them in greater detail why he had called them down here in the first place.

"And you say this chick swears, like, every other word?" Tatsuki asked him.

"More or less," he said. "Though most likely _more..._"

"Don't tell me you know this chick too..." sighed Ikkaku. He didn't have pleasant memories about the last experience he had with one of Tatsuki's old friends and he wasn't really too eager to repeat the process.

"Alright then," Tatsuki said, shrugging easily, "I won't tell you." Then she walked into the bar without a second glance.

"Just how many crazy chicks was she friends with?" Kiyone wondered, shaking her head.

Then they heard a girly scream come from inside.

Everyone rushed into the bar and found that everything was perfectly normal.

Weird...

"You [censor]ers wouldn't happen to have my [censor]ing drink, would you?" the dark haired chick asked, Tatsuki in a headlock.

"Two-Hands," Tatsuki choked out, "those guys don't have you're drink either. And I thought Ukitake-taichou said he cut you off."

"Oh [censor]ing lighten up Fire Demon," "Two-Hands" said, almost loosening her hold on Tatsuki, "you knew I could [censor]ing hold my liquor better than any of you [censor]heads ever [censor]ing could."

_I think I'm beginning to agree with Ikkaku about Tatsuki's friends,_ Rukia thought, _which also worries me..._

"So how do you [censor]ks know Fire Demon?" asked Tatsuki's captor.

"We work with her," Isane explained, trying very conspicuously to hide behind her sister. "Um...how do you know her?"

"We've [censor]ing known each other since prison."

"PRISON?" everyone gasped, all looking like that Van Gogh painting, _The Scream_.

"She...means...Highschool..." Tatsuki choked out.

"Yeah, that. Us and a bunch of other really though chicks were part of a gang; speaking if which, I heard that [censor] Erza was in town recently. You didn't happen to see her, did you?"

And that's when the Chinese Nazi Gangsta druglords opened fire.

"Aw _[censor]_." She dropped Tatsuki and drew her Cutlasses, loading each with a fresh clip, "Let me deal with these [censor]ers, then we can get back to the touching reunion."

"Are you OK?" Isane asked, rushing over to a coughing Tatsuki.

"I think I might have a few broken ribs," she grunted, "but I've had worse than that at the last Arisawa family flag football game."

"Who _is_ she and how on earth did you fall in with such an uncouth...What's the word?" Yumichika wondered.

"Delinquent?" Rukia ventured.

"Homicidal bitch, that's it."

"If memory serves Erza recruited her a couple days before she did me," Tastuski told the KPD's resident diva. "She was with us for about a month before Erza kicked her out for _extremely_ excessive violence."

"I don't think I want to know what '_extremely_ excessive violence' is," Kiyone shuddered.

"Trust me, you _don't_."

And nobody felt stupid enough to say otherwise.

"[censor] DIE YOU MOTHER[censor] [censor] [censor] LITTLE [censor] [censor] WITH A HAIRY [censor] JOHN'S UNCLE [censor] [censor] [censor] MILKSHAKE [censor] [censor] SALAMI [censor] WITH A SIDEWAYS [censor] [censor] [censor] [censor] [censor] ON YOUR [censor] [censor] COLARBONE [censor] [censor] TUNA FISH [censor] [censor] UPSIDE DOWN [censor] [censor] MICHAEL JACKSON [censor] [censor] [censor] TWENTY-FIVE [censor] [censor] ON A TURKEY SANDWICH! [censor]!"

That was Tatsuki's friend _extremely_ excessively murdering every Chinese Nazi Gangsta druglord she could see.

"...I think I'm getting an idea what it is anyways," Kiyone shuddered again.

"Arwe half dose tings even possible?" Nel said, both amazed and somewhat mortified by what she just heard.

"And [censor]ing stay down ya [censor]ing [censor]!" the woman who (so far) was only know as "Two Hands" said, planting five bullets between the eyes of her last foe. She then turned back to the rest, a manic grin glued on her face. "So what were we talking about before?"

"Well before you graciously closed off my windpipe before," Tatsuki said, a little raspy, "you were going to tell me what you're doing in town."

"Oh, you know, same old [censor]," the woman shrugged, "the last place I was in couldn't [censor]ing handle me, so I said '[censor] you!' and split. Ooh! Captain Morgan!" She reached behind the bar and grabbed a bottle that had somehow escaped her rampage a moment ago.

"Somehow I don't think it was nearly so civil in reality," Ichigo said.

"Let me put it this way," Tatsuki said, her friend chugging from her bottle of Captain Morgan. Matsumoto (not to be outdone) grabbed her own bottle, plus the one she always kept on her person, and started chugging shnops as well. "If stuff really happened the way she makes it seem, it would be a blessing." When Ichigo and the others still looked confused, she amended "The Hiroshima bombing would seem trivial in comparison."

Everyone nodded their understanding.

"Ahh!" Tatsuki's friend sighed, slamming her bottle down on the bar. She stared at it for a moment, then picked it back up and threw it against the far wall, chuckling gleefully as it shattered into a million tiny pieces. "Hee hee, that was a [censor]ing _good_ brusky!"

"Has anyone ever told you that you're kinda scary?" Kiyone asked.

"All the [censor]ing time, bitch!" the wild woman announced with pride.

"Ahh! Finished!" Matsumoto announced, slamming both her bottle down as well. (She didn't throw them at the wall though.) When she noticed that her newest rival in the drinking art had already finished her bottle she pouted. "Yeah well I was drinking two..."

"So, um..." Rukia attempted, "Miss Two Hands-"

"Hey, only the rest of the Gang can [censor]ing call me Two Hands," the woman said hotly, "Everyone else can just call me Revy."

"So...Revy," Rukia tried again, "how did you first meet Tatsuki?" Revy leaned back against the bar and grabbed another bottle of alcohol.

"Lemme [censor]ing tell ya'," she said, pulling the cork out with her teeth and spitting it some other random patron.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Revy: *bored* Are we done yet Scarlet? We've been over the entire school _twice_ and we still haven't fount anyone else to be in our little club thingy; we already have that snooty bitch with the Alfred, that blond chick with the weird eyes who's into Medievil Knights, and that redheaded Nazi- sorry, "Deutschlander" transfer student, do we really need more?_

_Erza: *resolute* There's someone else here, I can feel it. Let's make one more pass of the east wing before-_

_*hears scream from down the hall and runs to investigate*_

_Tatsuki: *standing over and pointing at a pixelated blur* You pervert! Touching my butt like that... This skirt is _Prada_ I'll have you know!_

_Revy: *looks at Erza* Her?_

_Erza: Her._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"[censor]ing took us nearly two [censor]ing weeks to convince her to join up with us."

"Hey!" Matsumoto gasped, "I just noticed that she didn't swear in her flashback!"

Then Isane burst into room, panting furiously.

"Where'd you go?" Renji wondered, neither him nor the rest of the them remembered her leaving.

"Back to the van," she said, "around halfway through Chinese Nazi Gangster druglord fight, and I just heard something on the scanner."

"We have a police scanner again?" Ikkaku exclaimed. "I thought that thing grew legs, hissed at Yumichika, then scurried off into the micro-climate."

"I know! I was surprised too- No, that's not the point! They just put out an APB on Tatsuki's friend!"

"[censor]in' A!" Revy cheered, "Now I'm notorious badass mother[censor]er!"

"As opposed to a normal badass mother[censor]er?" Ichigo said skeptically. Suddenly a sound like someone hitting a hollow block of wood sounded and a long, dark gray rectangle with rounded ends appeared. It had a trophy that flashed in and out with a stylized green X in the middle of some crosshairs on the left side, and the words "Took a BIG step. 25G – achieved 'Notorious badass mother[censor]er' rank"

"Because being a normal badass mother[censor]er doesn't net you any Achievement points," the vulgar woman said, pocketing the Achievement message.

"She'th so badass she earns weal life Achievements...!" Nel marveled, her eyes going all big and sparkly.

"Damn straight, kid," the woman in question said, swinging herself over the bar. "It was kinda fun meeting your new friends Fire Demon," she said, "but I need to vamoose before the fuzz throw my in jail. Besides, Reno's just calling my name right now." She grabbed one of the taps that had a cute little rubber ducky on it, and with the parting words of "Hasta la [censor] off, bitches!" she pulled the tap and disappeared down a trap door that opened. When the KPD peeked over to look in the hole the woman know as Revy Two Hands was nowhere to be seen.

"I was wondering what that tap handle did," Ukitake said, peering over as well.

"Where were you?" Ichigo asked.

"Hiding," he said unashamedly, "that woman was scary..."

No one disagreed.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Geez, you'd think they'd [censor]ing clean these sewers once in a [censor]ing while..." Revy grumbled as she made her way down through Karakura's municipal sewage system. She stopped to rest at an open grate a little further down.

Only to be bombarded by a deluge of sewer water as Hanatarou fell through at incredible speed.

"Ow..." he moaned after he pulled his head out of the water full of stuff that people left behind. (Get it? _Behind?_ It- never mind, back to the story...)

"Who the [censor] are you?" Revy asked.

"Hanatarou Yamada," Hanatarou Yamada said.

"Well, 'Hanatarou Yamada'," Revy seethed, pulling out her Cutlasses, "get ready for a world of very [censor]ing pain, bitch!"

Hanatarou then noticed that she was about as wet (if not wetter) than he was.

So of course he did the only sensible thing one could do in a situation like this.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Let's give a big round of applause for Revy Two Hands everybody! Wasn't she great? _

_Anyways, there won't be a cameo next chapter, just good old classic KPD inaction. While you're waiting, here's a little riddle to occupy your time; What iconic Rapper was the basis for the Achievement? You have until the next chapter to figure it out._

_And for the record; no, Revy _doesn't_ have tourettes. She just swears a lot._

_By the way, for those of you who are interested, the word "[censor]" was used 72 times, not counting just now. _


	58. Two Year Anniversary!

_Hi y'all! Welcoming you to the 2 year anniversary of the first chapter of Cold Fuzz! Man, I can't believe story has come this far in only two years...or all the fans that have read and like it. And let's not forget all the Ideas, Reviews, and Guest Chapters._

_Speaking of Guest Chapters, here's another one to sink your teeth into while you wait for the next chapter, and in honor of the two years this story he been going on. _

_Enjoy, and on with the crack!_

**_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/**

******Cold Fuzz Producer: "So guys, we need some fresh ideas for the 5Xth episode. Come on what can you guys whip up?"**

******Writer #8: *Balances a pen on top lip whilst leaning back in his chair* How about a beach episode?**

******Prod: NO YOU IDIOT! Something that hasn't already been done a thousand times in Anime.**

******Writer #4: *Bites into a large felafel wrap* Maybe Ichigo and Rukia could like, I dunno, adopt a kid for a day.**

******Prod: Ugh...No! Geez where's your passion guys? Come on! I want something that will hook our audience in from the episode title.**

******Writer #11 (Themulchmeister): *Folds arms together and glares at all the other writers in the boardroom* Let's just do a gameshow ep.**

******Writer #2: …**

******Writer #7: …**

******Writer #9: …**

******Writer #1: *Peers into an old cereal box* I can't see the coupon anywhere!**

******Prod: Hmm...That might work.**

******Cold Fuzz Guest Chapter**

******Karakura Police Department Game Show Extravagance!**

Today was like any other day in the KPD office.

"WHO STOLE MY EYEBROW FEATHERS!"

"Please Kiyone, I promise you won't throw up this time."

"Did someone light my spare pants on fire?"

"QUINCYYYYY! WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME!"

"I call shotgun this time!"

"Like hell you will you walking Graffiti art! I'll kick your ass for the front seat!"

"Hwwffrrff!"

"My shaving cream has gone off!" What?

"No, I think the Japanese government does a great job building wheels on our houses." Guess who that last one was?

Yep. Just like any other day in the perfectly (dis)functional Karakura Police Force; Karakura's thin blue – but sometimes pinkish-green line between anarchy and justice. These nine brave men and women held the future of this small town in their cold gun-wielding hands.

"Whoohoo! I feel like I'm in space!" Renji noted as he began spinning on his office chair.

He'd just eaten some of the leftover brownies from the Halloween episode by mistake...

"Guys, the neighbours keep complaining that we're being too loud," Kiyone said as she put her hands on her waist. "That and I can't hear my stories over all the racket!"

Ikkaku scoffed, "Tch. What're they gonna do? Call the police?"

Somewhere in the universe, Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"Actually I think Kiyone has a point," Ichigo backed up the smaller officer. "Maybe we should actually be out doing, I dunno...fighting crime or something?"

"Pssh! That's boring!" Renji added. "Let's go shoot some more of Yumichika's plate collection."

"YOU BASTARD!" The Peacock-man nearly dived across his desk as he tried lunging for the pinapple-head, "Do you know how long it took me find a set that color-coordinated with the drapes after you shot the last one up?"

"Hey you two, stop fighting!" Rukia came in as mediator for the two overgrown kids.

"Besides Yumichika, only gay people collect plates," Tatsuki added.

"FOR THE LAST TIME I'M NOT GAY!"

"Says the one collecting said plates..." Renji whispered under his breath.

"Come here and say that! _I dare you!_" Yumichika was now brandishing a weapon that may have come from a civilization several historical periods ago.

"Ooh I think I'm gonna lie down, I'm getting a migraine from all this noise." Isane retired from the room, seeking refuge away from the potential civil war that was about to unfold in the station's main office.

"What's up with your sister Kiyone." Tatsuki was one of the few not distracted enough to notice Isane's vertigo.

"Oh I made some cookies last night for Onee-chan but she got sick after eating half of one," Kiyone explained.

"Wonder what poison you put in those cookies, eh?" Renji gave Kiyone a little nudge of the elbow. _Dear God I hope she wasn't using one of Orihime's recipes..._

"Nothing really..." Kiyone said with her head sunken. "At least none of the ingredients are defined as poisonous in this prefecture?"

_She was._

"Hey guys, I think we have some mail!" Matsumoto said. Ignore it-oh wait, she actually said something useful for once.

Somewhere in Africa, a hundred-thousand children just escaped deadly poverty. (Good for them; it's about time that happened.)

"We've got mail!" Renji and the others beamed simultaneously. "Omagod-omagod-omagod-omagod-lemme see it!"

The big busted woman tore open the letter – which had a colourful red and yellow border for the record, "Oooh we've been selected for a game show!"

"A game show?" Ichigo said.

"A game show?" Rukia said.

"A game show?" Renji said.

"A game show?" Tatsuke said

"A game show?" Yumichika said.

"A game show?" Ikkaku said.

"A game show?" Kiyone said.

"...Bluergh!" Isane barfed from the other room..

"That's what the invitation says," Matsumoto stated the obvious as she waved around the brightly coloured card.

Rukia walked over and read the contents of the invitation. "Says it's from some Japanese game show called 'Shimatta!'" Rukia said with emphasis on the gratuitous Japanese. "Apparently they'd like our KPD force to participate on one of their daily shows."

"Is there a prize if we win?" Renji raised his hand.

"Let me see..." Rukia's eyes slid down the small piece of card paper until they lit up like dollar signs, "The prize is a hundred thousand yen!" Which isn't a lot really.

Don't tell them that.

"Wow! We could allocate that to our already shoestring budget!" Kiyone exclaimed.

"I could by some new barrettes with that dough." Ikkaku added.

"I could replace my now destroyed plate collection!" Yumichika also added.

"I could buy that hair straightener I've been wanting since Christmas!" Renji said with enthusiasm.

"I could- wait, _hair straightener_?" Ichigo turned back to the pineapple head with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, so? ...It's not any weirder than Ikkaku wanting barrettes or Yumichika's gay plate collection – I mean 'former' gay plate collection."

"I'LL KILL YOU DEAD!" And needless to say Yumichika began chasing Renji with a chainsaw gun (don't ask me how he got it – try eBay) around the station. (Kiyone shouted "Hey! My chainsaw gun!") Meanwhile the remaining force began contemplating all the wonderful things they could buy with a hundred thousand yen.

Ichigo crashed into his comfy office chair as he cast an eye over to the persisting micro-climate in the south-east corner of the room. ___Maybe we could use the prize money to hire a physicist and work out how to get rid of that thing..._

Rukia also began musing about what she could use the money for as she finally found Quincy the mouse inside his cage on the storeroom floor. "I could buy you a nice fancy cage, one with a pool and chateau and everything – wouldn't you like that?"

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked again, but only for Rukia's ears to hear.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Later that night, the nine officers departed the station to the location of the game show they were about to get tangled up in (possibly literally, but we'll just have to wait and see). Leaving little Nel in charge of the station while they were gone.

"Pmph...Nobody aksed Nel if she wanted to pway on da game show!" The little green haired girl huffed as she flicked on a nearby TV. It just so happened that the first program which lit up on the screen was the widely popular Japanese game show 'Shimatta!'

"Ooh !I wonder if dis is the one dey told me about?" Nel asked herself as she turned up the volume.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

___Game show host: *A neat looking man in a purple bow-tie suit appears on-stage* Good evening everyone at home and my name's Teriyaki Simmons, and this is beautiful Sister and co-host Tempura Simmons *An attractive young lady with long hazel hair and a glistening red dress appears next to the host*. Welcome to another exciting episode of the game which _awards___pain and suffering – 'Shimatta!'_

___Audience: *claps and cheers*_

A bright and flashy title sequence twirls onto the screen as they flick through various clips of the show including people falling down stairs and others racing to pluck hairs out of their nose using live lobsters. One really unfortunate victim -I mean contestant!- was shown running across the stage as a dozen men with fire extinguishers put out the flames on his Ginkakuji and Kinkakuji. (**Dunno myself what I'm reffering to here but it sounded clever enough, I'll let your imagination go wild with that one too.)**

Finally the title sequence ended as the show returned to its live broadcast.

___Teriyaki Simmons: Tonight we managed to drag another two teams of poor souls out of the gutter to play for some hard cash._

___Tempura Simmons: That's right Teriyaki! And our viewers at home should all keep in mind that our first team is keeping us safe at night, protecting our streets from petty crime and public urination. They're the boys and girls of our Karakura Police Department!_

___Audience: *cheers as the KPD stand in a row behind a long counter*_

___Teriyaki: And of course they will be battling for the hundred thousand yen against a band of hard-working civil servants for the Karakura Municipal Government Department – give it up for the Fulbringers!_

___Audience: *cheers*_

___Ichigo: *whispers to Rukia* How do you think they got that name?_

___Rukia: *thinks very thoroughly* Maybe because they have to 'Bring' the 'Full' report to the manager every week._

___Ichigo: Yeah I guess that makes enough sense for this story anyway._

___Rukia: Huh?_

(Back in the KPD station a wall just broke.

Try and guess which.)

___Teriyaki: So for our preliminary round we're going to ask a few questions. Make sure your hands are on the buzzer because the more you get right the more advantage your team gets in the main match-ups._

___All KPD sans Matsumoto: *Turn to Matsumoto on the end of the table* _

___Tatsuki: Whatever you do, do NOT press the buzzer, comprende?_

___Matsumoto: *Presses buzzer* YES!_

___Teriyaki: I'm sorry, we haven't started the round yet._

___Matsumoto: *Twiddles fingers* Oh, sorry._

___Teriyaki: Now first question! Who can tell me what the colour of red is?_

___Ichigo and Rukia: What? _

___*BZZZZZ*._

___Teriyaki: yes Ginjo!_

___Ginjo: Uh...Red._

___Teriyaki: *PING PING*! That's right! Now, what does the sky always do?_

___Ichigo: Who the [bleep] wrote these questions?_

___Teriyaki: I'm sorry KPD, but you're going to have to press the buzzer if you want to take an answer. *BZZZZZ* Yes! Riruka!_

___Riruka: The sky is always staying on the top of the ground._

___Teriyaki: CORRECT! The Fullbringers are on fire already! Okay, now, who was the first person to set foot in Japan over two thousand years ago?_

___Ichigo: Finally a proper question. *BZZZZZ* Dammit!_

___Teriyaki: Yes Chad!_

___Chad: Was it some guy?_

___Teriyaki: *PING PING* Cor~rect! Now there's only a few more questions left, so KPD, you better pick up your game. Okay next question: How many shoes do you normally wear when you're drunk?_

___Matsumoto: *BZZZZZ* Ooh-Ooh! It's one and a half!_

___Teriyaki: YES! And the KPD are on their first points of the game!_

___Everyone else on KPD team: *Sweatdrops*_

___Yumichika's Cricket; *Chirps*_

___Ikkaku: Oh my God Matsumoto actually got a question right. *BZZZZZ* Huh wait-_

___Matsumoto: Tomato Soup! *PING PING*_

___Rukia: Whoa, how is Matsumoto getting this- *BZZZZZ*_

___Matsumoto: You have to turn them BEFORE you set down your hen's eggs._

___Renji: Wait I think these questions are_meant___to be stupid! That's why she's getting them all right. *BZZZZZZ*_

___Matsumoto: Naaarrgghhrrraagghooouuugghhu._

___Teriyaki: CORRRRRECT! And that folks is the end of our preliminary round with an amazing comeback for the KPD. Now you have the advantage of getting to choose which of your opponents each of your team-mates will be competing against for the main round._

___Ichigo: Awesome! Alright! *Whispers*_

___Renji: *More whispers*_

___Rukia: *Some quiet whispers*_

___Tatsuki: *Some loud whispers*_

___Yumichika: *Whispers then coughs for some reason*_

___Ikkaku: *Checks his dome then returns to the huddle for more whispers*_

___Matsumoto: *Looking at cameraman #5 with some very M rated glares*_

___Kiyone and Isane: *Whispering very loudly and hissing like vipers*_

___Tempura: OK, and have your team decided who will be playing against who?_

___Ichigo: *Assuming role of team leader* Yes we have. I will choose to play against Mr. Ginjo_

___Ginjo: *Smiles confidently*_

___Ichigo: Rukia will be going up against Riruka._

___Riruka: *Blows a kiss to the audience. A few middle aged men collapse with heart attacks*_

___Ichigo: Renji wants to take on the dark dude with the black hair._

___Jackie: I'm a woman you jackass!_

___Renji: *Very Sweatdrops* Oh damn..._

___Ichigo: Ikkaku chose the rough looking delinquent there and Yumichika chose who he said was the 'handsome' young boy on the end. Pffft!_

___Yumichika: SHUT UP! I_soooo___did not say that!_

___Ichigo: Yeah whatever. Tatsuki will take on that butch chick with the black suspenders._

___Tsukishima: *Clears throat very deeply*_

___Ichugo: Matsumoto will challenge her long lost twin sister._

___Orihime: Who me?_

___Ichigo; And we gave the Kotetsu sisters the other two dudes left._

___Chad and Giriko: *Sweatdrops* Hmmmm..._

___Teriyaki: Okay then all of you get backstage and prepare yourselves for the ultimate showdown between sanity and insanity – we'll be right back with more after these words from our sponsor, the Urahara Shouten! Where the moto is "There's nothing that can't be resold!"._

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

Nel continued staring at the TV puzzlingly. "Well, at least it can't be as harwd as when I twied buying candy the otherw day."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Store clerk: Now sweetie, I'm going to have to see your parents before I can let you buy that Viking Bar._

_Nel: Nel Special Technique: SEXY NO JUTSU! *smoke puffs and Nel suddenly grows back into a fully developed adult woman with barely a strip of cloth covering her, um, yeah...*_

_Store clerk: *nosebleeds and dies of a brain haemorrhage*_

_Nel: *sounding older, sultry, and slightly confused* Um, should I just leave the money on the counter then?..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Dat candy made Nel do things dat aren't humanly possible..." Nel recalled as 'Shimatta' flashed back on screen.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

___Teriyaki: Welcome back! If you've just tuned in, the KPD team have won the preliminary round. Now they have chosen their respective opponents and will also have the pleasure of choosing which category they will play. Ichigo Kurosaki, would you like to take the honours?_

_*Ichigo studies a large screen with a 3x3 grid layout showing nine single word categories. The choices were: Ouch!, Cute, Numbers, Ouch!, Up, Gourmet, Brains, Fight, and HOLY[censor]ing[censor]OW!*_

___Ichigo: So many choices...but I guess I should go for "Ouch!"._

___Teriyaki: Splendid choice young man! Now let's begin the first game... But before that, could you go and grab that cat over there for me?_

___Ichigo: ...say what?_

___Teriyaki: Please? It's my pet cat Harry and he always likes exploring when I'm not keeping an eye on him. Could you just pick him up and bring him over here for me?_

___Ichigo: *shrugs shoulders* Sure I guess. *__walks across the stage towards said feline and reaches out with his hands* Come on little fell-AAAGGHHH!_

___Harry: *scratching apart Ichigo's face* NYAAAAA!_

___Ichigo: *lets go of cat* My skin! My precious skin!_

___Teriyaki: Ginjo, could you please get Harry for me?_

___Ginjo: *kneels down and gently coaxes a much more placid Harry into his arms* There ya go fella, it's alright. Here._

___Teriyaki: And there you have it folks; Ginjo claims one point for the Fullbringers team. Remember, the first team to have five points wins the entire game!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile backstage...

"Yikes that was harsh!" Renji cringed as he saw the cheese pizza display that was Ichigo's face at the moment.

"Hey I was deceived!...I think..." Ichigo said with a strip of his lower lip flapping down. "Isane, could I see you for a second?"

"Well I know what _I'm_ choosing for the next round!" Rukia stabbed her chest with her thumb as she went out for the next match.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

___Tempura: Hi ladies. I hope you're both ready for a good Deathmatch – I mean game. Yeah, that... So Rukia! Your team won the right to choose the matches, so have you made your decision?_

___Rukia: *confidently* Yes! I will take Cute any day thanks!_

_*the lights suddenly dimmed as a dooming piano chord was heard*_

___Riruka; I don't like that noise; this sounds bad._

___Rukia: *clinging around Riruka's leggings like a baby koala*_

___Riruka: Hey let go of me dammit! _

___*s__uddenly the lights return and the two girls are gifted with a banquet of life sized stuffed animals, a petting zoo, mouses and hamsters flying in remote controlled planes, kittens wearing fancy hats and shoes, and Labrador puppies frolicking in soft toilet tissue paper*_

___Rukia and Riruka: Aww~!_

___Tenpura: HANG ON! You must resist the urge to coo or sigh at these cute little animals for as long as possible! The first one to do so forfeits the game and hands over another point to the other team._

____/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

In the backstage lounge everyone threw their heads in their hands. "Oh no this is too cruel!"

"I can't bear to see Rukia suffer like this!" Kiyone said with her eyes squeezed shut.

"Come on Rukia!" a barely recognizable, bandage laden and slightly muffled Ichigo cheered her on, "I believe in you!"

Meanwhile both Rukia and Pigtails (Riruka!) were going red in the face forced to look at these adorable little critters without so much as uttering a noise. Riruka fell to one knee as she held a hand to the ground for support. Rukia remained frozen as she kept holding her breath. One of the boot wearing kittens hobbled over to the raven haired girl and nuzzled against her feet. Rukia began sweating profusely as she bit down on her lip so hard it began to bleed.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

___Tempura: *hush yet excited whisper* Ooh, the endurance is tense at the moment._

Riruka looked like she might be losing it soon as she began spluttering out huge drops of saliva. She squeezed her stomach as she stared wide-eyed at the flying acrobat rodents and the horde of stuffed animals just waiting to be hugged.

___Tempura; Come on girls keep going!_

But just before Riruka was about to burst, something akin to tomato paste began to leak out of Rukia's ear as she collapsed hard onto the ground.

___Tempura; Oh my! Someone get a medic!_

"Holy crap! I think Rukia just died!" Renji grabbed the TV as he shook it in shock. "Rukia!"

"Calm down _dipwad,_ she'll be alright," Tatsuki slapped the pineapple head on the shoulder. "Besides she can't die. She's one of the main characters of this-"

"Shhhh!" Yumichika interrupted the butch girl, "These walls are very fragile."

"Well anyway Renji looks like you're up next."

And it wasn't going too well for another one of our KPD friends either. Renji was foolish enough to choose the "HOLY[censor]ing[censor]OW!" round, thinking he could take one for the team. Renji and his female opponent Jackie were given the ol' race across a bed of scorpions, spiders, snakes, and fire ants round. But under the game show's policy of being fair to to the fairer of the sexes, Renji was given a handicap scorpion sting on the toe to begin with. Needless to say, Renji had his ass kicked and stung a few hundred more times in the race proper.

"Well I better go and check on Renji and Rukia in the nearby hospital wing." Mummy-Ichigo said. "Not to mention myself... Good luck to the rest of you guys."

Thankfully, Tatsuki and Ikkaku didn't need any luck for they dominated their own opponents in the next two rounds. Naturally, Tatsuki chose the "Fight" game, and even though she was probably stronger than her male opponent to begin with she was given a free hit on any part of Tsukishima's body (above the belt of course!). So she went for the next best target and knocked out the dweeby guy with a tap to the nose. Needless to say, the fighting match did not live up to either her's or the audience's expectations.

After calming down a rowdy crowd and locking away a pissed off Tatsuki, Ikkaku versed Moe in the "Ouch!" with more than one exclamation marks round. For once, the chrome dome's unique feature of having no hair at all proved to be useful for something as the two of them smashed their heads through a three minute sprint to see who could break the most tiles with their crowns of glory. Ikkaku scraped home with 167 whilst Moe could only manage 153 (Hah! Loser!)

With the scores at two to three for the KPD and Fullbringers respectively, the confidence was building in both camps.

...That was until the KPD realized Matsumoto's round was coming up.

Yumichika and the Kotetsu sisters were biting their fingernails (the former was making sure to be stylish about it) as they watched the screen on the edge of their seat. "For God sake don't pick the Brains round-For God sake don't pick the Brains round, for God sake don't pick the Brains round-"

___Matsumoto: Hmmm I'll take the "Brains" please._

Needless to say everyone, including the hospital casualties, facepalmed at that point.

___Tampura: Now Matsumoto, Orihime, this game is very simple; all you have to do is look at the object which appears on the screen and make one observation about it. The first one to reach three points wins. Matsumoto, you will go first._

___[PICTURE: CELERY]_

___Matsumoto: Umm, is it Celery?_

___Tempura: *ERRRRNNN!* No Matsumoto-san you don't need to_tell ___me what it is, just say something about it. Okay Orihime, here's yours._

___[PICTURE: CAR]_

___Orihime: Oh! People drive those, right?_

___Tempura: *PING PING!* Well done Orihime! That's one point to nil for Orihime. Okay Matsumoto..._

___[PICTURE: TABLE]_

___Matsumoto: Oh I've seen that one before, it's a table! _

___*EEERRRNN!*_

___Tempura: *facepalms* No Matsumoto, I'm trying to help you here: you don't need to tell me what the thing actually is, just __say something that is of remote relevance to it____. Okay Orihime..._

___[PICTURE: SUSHI]_

___Orihime: That reminds me I need to buy some cooking chocolate for my Dark Forest Sushi dessert tonight._

___Tempura: *PING PING!* Although that sounds very gross a second point goes to Orihime. Okay Matsumoto do you think you can tell me something –_anything___about this..._

___[PICTURE: BOTTLE OF SAKE]_

Yumichika's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "She's a lost cause, that shapely co-worker of mine..."

"C'mon Matsumoto!" Kiyone roared like a lioness, "Just think for once!"

___Matsumoto: *bites her fingernail for a moment* I like...I like Sake...Yeah dammit I like Sake!_

___Tempura: Okay that's good enough! You have the point now-_

___Matsumoto: *waving America flag appears behind her* AND I'M GONNA STAND PROUD AND TELL THE WORLD THAT I'M NOT ASHAMED TO LIKE A DRINK OR TWO OR FIVE OR SEVENTEEN DAMMIT! WHY DID OUR FOREFATHERS GO TO WAR JUST TO LET OUR NAYSAYERS TELL US THAT WE CAN'T ENJOY A TALL GLASS OF-_

___Tempura: SECURITY! SECURITY!_

___Matsumoto: *being carried off the stage by two burly security guards* YOU CAN SILENCE ME BUT YOU WILL NEVER SILENCE OUR MOVEMENT!_

___Tempura: *huge sigh* Matsumoto is now disqualified, giving Orihime the victory for this round._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"No..."

"...[bleep]ing..."

"...Way..."

"She had to go and blow it just like that, didn't she?" Ikkaku shouted in his outrage whilst having his skull re-pieced together. (Fortunately his storage space wasn't compromised due to the 167 collisions.)

"After she got us through the prelim round I'm actually a little disappointed in her," Ichigo said as a young nurse began changing his bandages.

"I *tsssk!* think AAGGHH! she Geeez! might have – yowie! ...blown the game for us," Renji managed to pull a sentence together as his legion of poisonous bites and stings were slowly being disinfected one-by-one."

Ichigo observed that, "Well the other team have won four games now, so we need Yumichika, Kiyone and Isane to all win if we are to have any chance of taking the prize money."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

It was some time later during Yumichika's and Yukio's 'Up' round when.

"_No you're a dick!"_

_"No you're a dick!"_

"_No you're a dick!"_

_"No you're a dick!"_

_"No you're a dick!"_

"_Nuh uh! You're ____totally__ a dick!"_

And you see even the game show producers were tired of showing the whole thing so we skipped to somewhere near the end of the verbal skirmish.

___Yumichika: Well at least my parents have a car._

___Yukio: Oh yeah? Well my dad owns a whole freaking company! And I'm going to inherit it when he dies!_

___Yumichika: Well, uh...I didn't need to wait for any hand-me-downs, because I have my own apartment!_

___Yukio: Well I get to live in a mansion so neerrgh!_

___Yumichika: I bet your mommy and daddy still tuck you in bed at night, and you need a night lamp to go to sleep – Hah! I got rid of mine eight years ago!_

Umm that would mean you were still sleeping with one when you were twenty [blurred number] Yumichika...Oh never mind.

___Yukio: Shut up! Just shut up! You don't know anything about me._

___Yumichika: And I bet you're only in this stupid game show to buy yourself that vintage plate collection you've always wanted._

___Yukio: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! NOOOOOO!_

___Yumichika: *Princess laugh pose* ~Mwohohohoho!_

___Yukio: *Escorted off the stage by medics after his brain fries*_

___Teriyaki: Well done Yumichika, reclaiming another victory for the KPD! That makes it three points to four now coming into the second last match._

Kiyone hugged her sister and held back tears. "Okay sis, I'm going now. If I lose this one, please make sure I'm honourably discharged from the police academy. I couldn't bear to see everyone's faces after carrying such shame."

Isane nodded, "Okay sis, I promise."

___Teriyaki: With only two games left to choose from which one will Kiyone try her wits against?_

Kiyone studied the final two games carefully.___Hmm...Now Isane tends to have a weak stomach so maybe I should take the Gourmet one since it sounds like it has something to do with food. But then again if its Gourmet, that can only be good for her right? So I'll let her have that one and it should be a piece of cake for her yeah? _

___Kiyone: "__Numbers" please._

The host Teriyaki stood behinds two large baskets with a number of circular pits arranged in a grid. Above the metal baskets were two large chutes with a container full of dodge balls inside. "I hope you paid attention in your maths classes..." Teriyaki addressed Chad and Kiyone. "...Because you must catch these numbered balls which will shoot out frequently from this chamber and arrange the balls so that the multiple of every adjacent number has a common factor of two."

___Kiyone: Common factor of two; okay so that's - UNGH!_

___Teriyaki: Careful now, you still need to catch 'em first!_

With the game already underway Kiyone had to think fast. She caught a ball with the number '31' on it and threw it carelessly in the basket. The then caught another ball numbered '23' before placing it next to the to other one.

___*EEEERRRNNGH!*_

___Teriyaki: That doesn't appear to be right._

Meanwhile Chad, who had voluntarily dislocated one of his shoulders for the gender handicap, was making elementary work of catching the balls and placing them in the correct sequence.

Kiyone mused as she caught another ball.___What am I supposed to be looking for? _"OWW!" Yep she got bonked by another one in her deep distracting thoughts_. ____Come on girl, think! What numbers do we need to make the multiple of them have 2 as a factor?_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Young Kiyone: Sensei! Sensei! Why do we have to learn these boring times tables?_

_Sensei: Because my disciple, you never know when one day you may find your Dragon Eggs being snatched by a Demon Eagle from the East!_

_Kiyone: But Sensei! I still don't understand how that-_

_Sensei: SILENCE!_

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

___Kiyone: Of course! It makes perfect sense to me now!_

___Teriyaki: Chad seems to have nearly completed his pattern but – what's this! Kiyone is firing back into the race! Has this young girl finally cracked the secret code?_

___Kiyone: *With fireballs of rage and fury in her eyes* Take this! And this and that! And HAH!_

___Teriyaki: It seems she has worked it out. Now it's neck and neck to see who will finish their patterns first._

___Kiyone: ODD-EVEN-ODD-EVEN-ODD-EVEN! OOOOODDDDDDDDDDD! EEEEEVVVEEEEEEENNNNNN!_

The entire apparatus smashed when Kiyone pelted the final ball into her basket sending glass shards and twisted metal raining upon the stage and the first few rows of the audience.

___Kiyone: *panting* Hah...hah...hah...hah...hah...hah...hah...Thank you...hah...Sensei... *faints*_

___Teriyaki: Well er uh...The adjudicators have just told me that Kiyone had indeed finished the puzzle successfully! This means we finally reach our tie breaking game between our final two contestants...YOU WILL NOT WANT TO MISS THIS!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Nel yawns as she flicks off the TV switch. "Well I'm pooped...Off to bed I go."

But we still haven't seen Isane's- Wait, come back! SHE'S YOUR SURROGATE MOTHER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Well, _fine!_ She if I write _you_ any more this chapter...

Sorry about this folk. Um...let's just go back to the show, 'kay?

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Teriyaki: And we're back! For those of you just tuning in we are now in the final round! It's been a long and arduous struggle, but both the KPD and the KMGD are now tied with three victories each to their respective names! With only only one player left on either team, it time for the Super Sexy Awesome Special Funtime Sexy Tiebreaker Round! *streamers and confetti shoot out and fall to the stage* Isane? Giriko? Are you both ready?_

_Giriko: Couldn't be readier!_

_Isane: Actually, could I-_

_Teriyaki: PERFECT! Now there's no need to choose a category because there's only one left! And that one is..."Gourmet"! Tempura, would you kindly explain how this round will work?_

_Tempura: Both contestants are to cook and prepare a dish with the ingredients provided. When they're done, both meals will be eaten by the other contestant, and a winner will be decided. *turns to Isane and Giriko* Both of you may now step behind your curtains and cook your meal._

_Teriyaki: *after the victims- CONTESTANTS!- are out of earshot* But wait, there's a twist! As you noticed, we let each of the remaining two players choose which curtain they cooked behind by themselves; there was no suggesting anything to them before hand. However the kick is that we placed a card behind one of the curtains telling that player to sabotage their meal._

_Tempura: So what you're saying is that who wins is based entirely on luck? _

_Teriyaki! Precisely! And while we wait for the cooking to be done, let's cut to another word from our sponsors! _

_Announcer: Firecracker pocky! So good, it's like an explosion in your mouth!_

_Teriyaki: Thank you Random Announcer guy! Anyways, let's see what our contestants have come up with! Larry, raise the curtains!_

_*curtains raise*_

_Teriyaki: Thank's Larry. Now both of you, hand off your dishes and let the regurgitation commence! _

_Isane: ...You mean 'digestion', right? _

_Teriyaki: That's what I said, 'regurgitation'. _

_Isane: *loudly gulps*_

_Tempura: *sweatdropping through _clearly_ pasted on smile* ...So Giriko, what did you make?_

_Giriko: Oh, just a little something I perfected in my eight year extended course at culinary school... *holds up an immaculate looking cake*_

_Tempura: Sugoi! I almost want to eat it all myself! *turns to Isane* And what did you make Isane?_

_Isane: Just this. *holds up something akin to green coloured porridge* I tried to make it as healthy as I could. _

_Tempura: It looks...appetizing, I guess...? Well then, switch off and dig in! _

The two remaining team member gave each other the food they made and then just stared at it. Neither wanted to be the first one to try what the other made, Isane because she was scared of all the preservatives she knew the cake contained and Giriko because the nicest way to describe what Isane made was 'green slop'.

_Teriyaki: Come on now, _one of you_ has to be the better man and take the first bite._

Scrunching up the oh so tiny bit of courage she had, Isane picked up her fork, put some cake on it, and _sssslllooowwwlllyyy_ moved it closer to her mouth, eventually wrapping her lips around it and pulling from her mouth sans cake.

_Isane: *pleasantly surprised* ...Wow, this is pretty good! _

_Giriko: I'm insulted that you'd think that someone of _my_ caliber could conceive anything less than perfection..._

_Isane *hangs head* ...I'm sorry._

_Teriyaki: Well Isane's still standing, now let's see how well Mr. Giriko here fares. _

_Giriko: *stares dumbly at slop in his hands*_

_Teriyaki: What's the matter Giriko? Feeling a little squeamish are we? _

_Giriko: N-n-n-not in the least! *proceeds to guzzle down slop*_

_Tempura: Wow, he's really wolfing it down!_

_Teriyaki: But can he keep it down when he's finished? _That's_ the question._

_Giriko: *finishes slop* Yes! All done! Now I'll be taking the prize money and- *suddenly doubles over and pukes his guts out* So...unnaturally...healthy... *faints*_

_Isane: Mr. Giriko, are you OK?_

_Teriyaki: And it looks like Isane's crap knocked out her opponent; Team KPD wins! Give them a round of applause folks!_

_Audience: *applauds* _

_Teriyaki: So tell us Miss Kotetsu, what exactly did you do to sabotage your dish? _

_Isane: What do mean 'sabotage'? I just used a recipe from this book. *hold up a copy of the "The Ridiculously Ultra Vegan Super Cookbook"* Was I supposed to sabotage it?_

_Teriyaki: *confused* ...But didn't you read the card? _

_Isane: I was supposed to read it? I just used it as kindling for the wood burning stove._

_Teriyaki: ...Well whatever, your team still won, and you get to take home the prize money._

"Hells yeah!" Tatsuki cheered from backstage, pumping her fist in victory.

_Teriyaki: *touches earpiece* However, I've just been informed of your hospital bill, so it's all going straight to that!_

_Audience: Oooooh..._

_Teriyaki: Also, it appears that you guys are being disbanded and replaced with someone who can do the work of a hundred policemen._

_Tatsuki: *storming onto the stage* What the [bleep]? *grabs Teriyaki by the collar* You better spill what you know _buster_, or I'll beat your ass five way to Thursday and back._

_Teriyaki: Hey I'm just the messenger, I didn't make this decision! All I know is that this guy they're replacing you with has jailed more criminals than fifty police departments combined and can whistle every song ever sung backwards. He can lift 100 times his own weight, and totally never gets beat up randomly. His name is..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Hanatarou was jerked awake by the blaring of his alarm clock.

_Aw man, it was just getting good!_ He sighed, _Well, at least I'm not the one getting beat up this time..._ He reached over and hit the snooze button...

Only for the clock to blow up in his face, destroying the bedside table it was sitting on.

"Cukoo, cukoo!" he tweeted, before falling over unconscious.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there you have it folks, the scrawlings of my good friends and writing buddy Themulchmeister. If I haven't recommended it already, go read his stuff. If you like Bleach, Elfen Lied, and maybe even Hellsing (And who doesn't like Hellsing?), then he should be right up your alley. _

_Until next time!_


	59. The Old Life Strikes Back! pt1

_You guys are never going to guess who the last chapter was written like. You ready? _

_William._

_Shakespeare. _

_I know, right? On another note, an original short story of mine was written like Edgar Allen Poe, which is also cool. (Dems classic authors seem to be liking me lately.) It's called "Aftermath" and you can read it on the writer's website Figment. (The author's initials are "DK")_

_Shameless plug aside, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Ichigo, I'm not so sure about this..."

"Don't worry, you're doing fine. Now, reach over like this-"

"But what if I do it wrong?"

"Then we'd both be dead." Ichigo sighed, "Come on Rukia, knowing how to disarm a bomb is a pretty important thing a police needs to know; I'm surprised you haven't learned it yet."

"I know, but doesn't Kiyone or Yumichika do that kind of thing?" she asked. "Besides, I had this weird dream a while back..."

"Ichigo," Isane said, "I know you like spending time with Rukia and all, and I can understand why you're doing this..., but could you _not_ do it on my desk?" She motioned to her desk, which was covered in anything and everything one could use to make a bomb, minus all the explody stuff.

"Have you _seen_ all the other desks?" he asked, knowing full well that their office made meat processing plants look like _operating rooms._

"Touche..." the medic sighed. There really was nothing was what her comrade said that she could argue with.

"What, you too lazy to clean off you own desk Strawberry?" Renji chuckled.

"Back off Ferny," Ichigo retorted, "don't you have something better to do? Like shave those hedges you call eyebrows maybe?"

"You looking to start something?" Renji growled, balling up his fists. Ichigo did likewise, but before some hidden announcer could call out "Round 1, right!" each of the men's respective girlfriends pulled them back.

"Renji, do you always have to start fights with Ichigo all the time?" Isane chided.

"Stop picking on Renji so much Ichigo," Rukia scolded, "it's not his fault that his eyebrows look like a crop circle gone wrong."

"See?" Renji sneered at his orange haired rival, "You should listen to your girlfrien- Hey!"

"Sorry!" Rukia apologized quickly, looking sheepish. "It sounded better in my head..."

"You just got burned, Larry!" Ikkaku called to Renji, making a long overdue Three Stooges joke.

"Yeah," Renji said, "that's real rich coming from you Curly."

"_Ooh!_ Why I oughta-!"

"Keep it down over there!" Tatsuki called. She was sitting on top of her desk cross-legged, looking like she was trying to pass something. "I'm trying to attain inner peace and all your noisy bitching is _not_ conducive to that."

"I don't know if I _want_ to know why you're trying to attain inner peace all of a sudden," Rukia said apprehensively.

"Yeah, what happened to all your 'destroy anything that looks at your funny...and even some things that don't' attitude?" Renji wondered.

Ichigo and Isane nodded in agreement.

"I just want a little break from the violence is all," she said, "_especially_ after seeing Revy again..."

No one disagreed.

"So I looked on the internet on researched a bunch of methods for calming yourself down and decided to try some light meditation." She reached behind her back and pulled out a 9mm pistol, leveling it at the two power couples of the KPD, "Now kindly shut the [censor] up and let me do nothing in peace."

Rukia and Isane hid behind their respective boyfriends.

Their respective boyfriends hid behind furniture.

And the furniture rolled a level 12 shield spell that they _hoped_ would protect them from Tatsuki's rage.

Fortunately, (and before Tatsuki could add any more to the already impressive body count she racked up over her career), the police radio sprung to life, Kiyone and Yumichika's voices trying to babble over each other.

_#Gimme the radio, Peacock Face!#_

_#I had it first, you Pre-Cambrian Primate!#_

_#What?#_

_#A monkey.#_

_#I'M NOT A MONKEY!#_

Aww, they're bonding!

Looking to spare himself (and the others by extension) Renji grabbed the receiver on his side of the radio and tried to break up the fighting on duty officers.

"Hey! Enough with the cat fight; what's so damn important that you can't decide who get's to hold the radio?"

_#Oh,#_ Kiyone said casually, her fight with Gay- I mean Yumichika! suddenly forgotten, _#Rangiku just got kidnapped.#_

"WHAT!" everyone screamed, rushing to get as close to the mic as they could.

Soon after Renji's personal space drew up a lawsuit against them from being violated so much.

But that's neither here nor there, back to the story!

_#Yeah,#_ Yumichika added, _#She was just getting out of the car to get us some booze when these two mobsters came out of nowhere, grabbed her, threw her in the back of their own car, and drove off.#_

On top of one of the Level 12 shielded desks, Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"...And you didn't think it was a good idea to maybe, oh I don't know..._GO AFTER THEM!_" Renji wondered loudly.

"_Waaay_ to keep your cool dude," Ichigo applauded sarcastically.

#_My wig was askew, I was fixing it,#_ Yumichika justified. #_What crawled up you ass and died?#_ Renji let out a _very _long-suffering sigh.

"Just stay where you are and cordon off the area around your car; the rest of us will be there soon to help you sweep the scene."

"Hey, I just noticed something," Rukia announced as Renji shut off the radio before the Diva or the Lesser Kotetsu Sister could say something to make him have even more of a migraine, "Weren't Nel and Ikkaku here just a moment ago?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Matsumoto slowly awoke to a dull pounding in her head. This wasn't the same pounding one gets from a hangover, because she never got those; years of constant drinking had given her a natural immunity to the phenomenon. No, she'd been drugged, that was more what this felt like.

That and the fact that she couldn't remember a single thing about the ride over here.

Come to thing of it, where was she anyways? It was too dark to see, and she didn't hear any movement around her, but for some strange reason she could smell tomato sauce with just a _hint_ of oregano in it.

"Well if Daddy's favorite isn't awake now," a condescending voice suddenly rang out in the darkness. "_So_ glad you could join us."

That last bit was sarcastic by the way.

"And where would I be joining you exactly?" Matsumoto wondered, hoping to learn more her new location in lieu of-

Suddenly the lights all flashed on at once, blinding the chesty policewoman. After a moment her eyes adjusted and Matsumoto stared at a face she hadn't seen in years.

"Sandwich?"

"That's _Sanderwicci!" _"Sandwich" yelled. She seethed for a moment before breathing in and out a few times to clam herself down. "_Cirucci Sanderwicci_ to be precise. 'Sandwich' was just the only thing Aizen bothered to call me."

"Oh," Matsumoto remarked to that bit of trivia. "You look well."

"Really?" Cirucci chirped, twirling around in her Gothic Lolita style dress, "Cause I've been on this new diet and really think it's been working-" Then she composed herself again, "I mean, what were you expecting, a junkie in ratty, half fitting, tacky clothes who only wanted to pleasure her next costumer so she could earn enough for her next fix?"

"Saké," Matsumoto said simply.

"Yeah?" Cirucci scoffed, "Well, not all of us could be rescued by kindly policemen with more chronic illnesses than a- Wait, what?"

"I was expecting saké," Matsumoto explained, "At least, that's what I've gotten all the other times I've been kidnapped."

"_...Huh?"_

Cirucci was a tad flabbergasted.

"Yeah. This one time when I was kidnapped I got pizza and saké, and another time I got to go to the amusement park and have saké...and I think Gin mentioned something about whisky when he was kidnapping me before."

Matsumoto was of course lying through her teeth about everything but the saké.

For some reason she always got saké when she was kidnapped.

Weird, that.

"Fine..." the goth Lolita sighed, snapping her fingers. A moment later one of the mobsters that kidnapped her walked over, "Go downstairs and get the little whore a pizza and some saké..."

"Yay~!" Matsumoto cheered. If she played her cards right, this was going to be the best kidnapping ever!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Look it's _clearly_ Prof. Plum, in the Bedroom, with the Rope!" Ikkaku vehemently insisted.

"Are you blind? It was _clearly_ Miss Peacock, in the Library, with the Knife!" Yumichika insisted back just as vehemently.

"Why do dey always argue over their _Clue_ games?" Nel wondered, looking to Isane for answers.

"I have no idea..." the frightful medic sighed, "Their friendship has always been a mystery to us."

"_Bears bears bears!"_

"_Bunnies bunnies bunnies!"_

"I thee what you mean..." Nel said, sweatdropping.

"Why would someone want to kidnap Rangiku?" Rukia wondered. It didn't make any sense...like the entire rest of her time with these bozos... OK, so she didn't understand why someone would do something that would deliberately provoke a bunch of cops, and _especially_ why someone would go to the trouble of kidnapping Matsumoto.

Not coming up with anything useful on her own, she decided to go see how her boyfriend was doing. She saw him and Tatsuki a little ways down the street, talking with a witness they found.

"Listen _punk_," Tatsuki growled, involuntarily snapping a pen she was holding, "if you don't start cooperating in _three seconds_, then-"

"Tatsuki," Ichigo threw a hand between her and the man she was "questioning", "remember your Zen thing? Go back to the car and cool off a bit." Tatsuki reluctantly complied, doing some deep breathing exercises as she made her way back to the squad car.

"Thanks man," the witness thanked Ichigo, "another minute and I was sure that Lesbian chick was gonna-"

"_**DIE!"**_Tatsuki screamed, tackling the poor man in a ball of flames and pummeling him into the ground.

"...And another one bites the dust," Ichigo sighed wearily.

"I actually thought she'd drop her 'Peace and Love' crap sooner," Renji said. "Is that how kneecaps are supposed to look?"

"...So did you find anything?" Rukia asked hesitantly, already having a pretty good guess what the answer was.

"Nothing," Renji said, "it's like they swept the whole place clean before they left!"

No one of course noticed the giant pointing hand graffitied onto the side of a building with the words "They went this way, morons!" next to it.

"These guys are _good_!"

"Hey guys!" Ikkakku called, "Yumi-kun just found a note!"

"And I found a nickle!" Nel cheered, holding up her spoils for all to see.

"Look sir, droids!" a couple of Star Wars fanboys said, re-enacting a scene from their favorite movie.

"Lemma see that!" Ichigo barked, grabbing the paper from Yumichika ("Hey!"). On the paper was an E flat note.

And on the other side was a message.

"'Hey there douchebags STOP Ha ha ha ha STOP I've got your whore STOP Ha ha ha ha STOP Thanks for keeping her warm for me STOP Suck it! STOP'," Ichigo read.

"That's it?" Tatsuki wondered, having sufficiently pummeled the guy who oh so fatally slipped his tongue.

"Unless they also used invisible ink," Strawberry pointed out. Almost immediately Kiyone had fished a blacklight out of her equipment bag, shining it on the paper. "'P.S.'..." He stopped reading. "It's just a picture of a butt."

"Can I see it?" Yumichika asked.

Everyone started at him.

"What? Ichigo grabbed it away from me before I head a chance to read it!"

"What's that wed stain?" Nel asked, pointing to one of the corners of the paper that was slightly discolored. Ichigo brought the offending corner up to his nose and gave it a sniff.

"Tomato sauce?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, Matsumoto's milking her kidnapping for all it's worth, and her friends are bumbling idiots, what else is new? Let's just hope they randomly stumble on her before her captors run out of saké..._

_Also, be on the lookout for another appearance by Momo and another cameo in the near future! (Not the next chapter though...) _

_And keep sending in those ideas!_


	60. The Old Life Strikes Back! pt2

_I bet y'all have been waiting a long time to find out what happens to Matsumoto, huh? _

_...OK, that a lie; I _know_ you've only been waiting two week, since that's how often I post new chapters. _

_But you still get to find out what happens to Matsumoto in the chapter, that was the truth!_

_Also, that last chapter was written like Cory Doctorow again. I really don't know much about the guy, so I can't really think of how to promote him other than what I did last chapter. _

_Well, whatever...on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"So then we all charged at the bunnies, only for them to fall over ten seconds later. It was kinda weird, considering they were eating people before. And then after that..."

Matsumoto was regaling Cirucci with everything that happened to her since she joined the KPD.

Cirucci for her part was drifting in and out of consciousness, bored out of her fricking skull.

"Lil' Joe?" Cirucci snapped her fingers, calling one of her brawny henchmen (who happened to be wearing a white apron) over with a gag. "I _really_ don't care," the Lolita said as she half watched the busty policewoman get gagged, "I just want to get the old business up and running again, not hear your life story!"

"Muh?" Matsumoto wondered.

"Yeah, everything kind of started to fall apart after you put Gin-sama behind bars..." Cirucci suddenly began choking up, tears starting to coalesce in the corners of her eyes. "_Gin-samaaaaaaaah!"_

"Foo wand wim?" Rangiku asked, somewhat surprised to learn that an old colleague was shaking up with her old boss.

"Yeah..." the sobbing Lolita managed, "about a month or so after his coup against Aizen." She took a few deep breaths and continued, calmer than before, "After you bagged him the organization got pulled apart by a bunch of _idiots_ who had no idea what the hell they were doing." She scoffed. "It was such a pain killing them all to keep everything from completely disintegrating..."

...This was a different Cirucci than Matsumoto remembered.

"Of course once that was done it was just a matter of reacquiring all the old revenue so I could start things up again." She gave Matsumoto a wicked smile, "And you were the last whore I needed to find."

Matsumoto _really_ wished she had a drink right now.

Too bad about the gag, though.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"All right you [censor]ers, hands in the air!" Tatsuki shouted, bursting into a pizzeria and waving her assault rifle at all the patrons.

They all started at her with blank looks on their faces, most of them with pizza slices halfway to their mouths.

"Do you _always_ have to do that every time you step into a service establishment when we're on duty?" Renji asked from behind her, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"It'th _kinda_ extweme..." Nel sweatdropped.

"Geez, you guys are such party poopers..." Tatsuki moaned, lowering her gun and tossing it in some random direction.

A moment later the sound of screeching tires and a collision could be heard.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"Yumichika," Isane asked, "why did you bring your cricket with you?"

"Because he's been cooped up in the station for months! I thought it was finally time for him to get some fresh air," he said.

"Because a pizza joint is _such_ fresh air," Ichigo said irritably. "This is the twelfth building we've burst into, and it's starting to get annoying."

"I kind of agree with Ichigo," Rukia said. "Not that I want us to stop looking for Rangiku, but...maybe we could get a bite to eat?"

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Everyone except Yumichika.

"There's no _way_ I'm letting all that grease near my insides." He paused. "Or my outsides for that matter."

"What, afraid it'll make you break out?" Kiyone asked jokingly.

Yumichika just stood there, a neutral expression on his face.

"...Yes," he eventually said.

Back at the station, Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

Not that anyone heard it of course...

But getting back the story!

"Hey Luigi!" Ikkaku called, walking up to the counter, "Gimme an extra large Meat Lovers, extra meat. STAT!"

A hulking behemoth of a man (not Zaraki, I know you're thinking that) came up to the counter. "You want something?" he asked, his voice very nearly shaking the ground as he spoke.

"I can wait..." Ikkaku said in an incredibly small voice.

"We'll take a large Pepperoni pizza and a personal sized Vegetable one please," Ichigo interjected, handing some money to the Goliath behind the counter. He gave Ichigo the change and went into the kitchen to make the order.

"Have I ever told you that cheese makes me kind of gassy?" Isane mentioned.

They decided to eat _outside_.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Matsumoto _really_ wished she wasn't gagged like this; it was damn hard to get booze from the bottle to her stomach like this!

And on top of that the ropes she was tied to the chair with her making her arms and legs fall asleep.

And the smell of savory tomato sauce was starting to make her hungry.

And she had to go to the bathroom...

"Geez, when are those stupid cops going to get here?" Cirucci's outburst snapped her out of her personal discomfort and made her look at her captor; the former prostitute pacing back and forth in an agitated manner. "It's been like..._three hours_ since I kidnapped you; don't they care that I'm holding one of their own hostage?"

Matsumoto mumbled something through her gag.

"Hang on a sec," Cirucci said as she untied the gag. "What did you say?"

"I said," Matsumoto said once the gag was removed and she was able to get some of the gaggy taste out of her mouth, "they aren't going to fall for this, they're much too smart to walk into an obvious trap. Besides, they know better than to let themselves get all worked up over someone getting _kidnapped_. Can I have some more saké?"

Matsumoto didn't how she was able to keep a straight face through that whole spiel.

She just hoped Cirucci would buy it...

Cirucci stared at her captive for a while, mulling over what she'd just heard...

And then went right back to pacing and grumbling.

"I mean _seriously!_ I left them so many frigging obvious clues..."

_Well, it was worth a shot..._ she thought morosely. _At least she left the gag off._

"Hang on, almost forgot to put the gag back on," the Lolita said as she reapplied the gag to Matsumoto's mouth.

_Mevwer ming..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Wow, this is actually a pretty good pizza!" was the general consensus of the KPD as they chowed down on their respective slices.

Except, of course, for Yumichika; he was just sitting with his nose upturned at the slice before him.

"How can you people _eat_ that garbage?" he wondered. "I mean, Isane's veggie pizza is a step in the right direction..._but the rest of you are just eating fats and starches!_"

"What's your deal Yumi-chan?" starting to get fed up her feathered partner's antics. "It's not like we ever gain any weight anyways. ...Come to think of it, you're the only one that puts on pounds when he eats."

"And you won't let us forget it..." Ikkaku exasperated.

"Why is that?" Isane wondered, tapping her chin.

"If Big Boobies were shtill here, she'd pwobably say something like 'Because we only get fat forw plot related weasons'," Nel said as she lifted another chopped up piece of pizza to her mouth. (Isane cut up her slice into smaller pieces before she even had time to protest.)

"Which reminds me..." Renji said. Then he suddenly stood up and banged his fist on the table, startling everyone at and in the immediate vicinity of said table, "Why are we just sitting here eating pizza when we should be out looking for our missing officer?"

The KPD all froze mid bite.

"Excuse me," the behemoth that took their order said, handing a pizza yo another table, "but if you're going to make a scene then I'll have to ask you take it somewhere else."

"We're sorry," Ichigo apologized, yanking Renji back into his seat. He hissed "We're the police, try to act like it!"

To his left, Ikkaku snorted.

"Well _I'm_ not moving until I finish my grub," Tatsuki stated resolutely, already in the middle of her second slice. She looked over at Kiyone's plate, "You gonna finish that?"

"Sorry to bother you folks again," the giant waiter said again, walking over to their table, "but the boss would like to have a word with you."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"How much more stupid can they get!" exclaimed Cirucci, throwing her hands in the air. "Seriously, they're like, _right_ below us, and they stop to eat _PIZZA_!" the Lolita flopped extravagantly onto an office chair. "I could have been halfway to Rio and back they're taking so long..." She glanced over at Matsumoto and scoffed, "Bet you're worse than the rest of them; just lying around all day, drinking..."

Cirucci knew not how on the head she hit that nail.

"Hey Boss," Lil' Joe called from the other side of the door, "Those people you wanted to see are here."

"_God fricking time!"_ Cirucci exclaimed loudly, "Bring 'em in here already!"

The KPD were roughly kicked through the door.

"Matsumoto!" they all exclaimed after they got through rubbing their sore backsides. (Thought Nel said "Big Boobies!" like usual.)

"Wehwo," Matsumoto said through her gag. She would have waved at them if her arms weren't tied behind the chair.

"And who the hell are you?" Tatsuki asked, pointing at her friend's Lolita captor.

"I am Cirucci Sanderwicci, Crime Boss," she said striking what she thought was menacing pose (but really looked kinda cheezy...), "I run all the crime in this town now, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

…

Water dripped from a pipe.

"What?" Cirucci wondered.

"You name is Crunchy Sandwich?" Rukia asked.

Yeah, _probably_ shouldn't have done that...

"IT SANDERWICCI, _SANDERWICCI!" _Crunchy- I mean Cirucci fumed, doing a remarkable impression of a gorilla's mating dance. "Why can't anyone ever [censor]ing get my name right?"

"If it helps any people can't seem to accept that I'm not gay," Yumichika said, giving his hair a stylish flip and totally not consoling the Lolita crime boss in the least.

"Not really..." She ignored Mr. Diva and instead threw a grimey switch on the wall next to her. The floor under Matsumoto began to retract and a hook shot down from the ceiling and grabbed onto the chair Matsumoto was tied to. When the floor finished retracting it revealed a large pool almost filled to the brim with piranha. "Now do as I say or Bazooka Girl here get's it!"

"What's the point?" Ichigo asked, drawing looks from the rest of the room. "I mean," he justified, "you're potentially throwing away a valuable resource for your criminal empire if you end up having to dunk her in the NO I AM NOT GETTING OFF ON MATSUMOTO BEING TIED UP LIKE THAT YOU FREAKING RETARD! piranhas. Just seems a waste to me."

Hichigo strikes again...

"You know, you actually might have a point there, weird as that was," Cirucci mused, snapping her fingers.

A moment later the KPD (and Nel) were surrounded by around thirty mobsters with Tommy guns.

"Nel," Tatsuki said to Nel, keeping her eyes on the business end of the Tommys, "you remember everything I taught you in those secret training sessions of ours?"

"You betchya!" she said chipperly, going into the Crane stance.

"When were giving her secret training sessions!" shouted Isane, somewhat surprised to learn that her charge was involved in something without her knowing.

"Well if I told you then it wouldn't be a secret anymore, _duh!_" Tatsuki dropped into a fighting pose of her own, "You guys might want to close your eyes for the next 47 seconds."

"But why would we-" Rukia started to ask before Tatsuki abruptly cut her off.

"Because unless you already know the technique, you'll simply be overwhelmed by the sheer _awesomeness_ of it, that's why."

Smartly, everyone shut up and did as suggested.

"Hey, what the hell are-" was all Cirucci got out before her world erupted into blackness.

46 seconds later Tatsuki turned to her comrades and said "It's over now, you can open your eyes again." They did so, and were met by the sight of all thirty mobsters, plus Cirucci and Lil' Joe, lying on the floor with their eyes swirling and foaming at the mouth.

"_Duuuuuude..._" everyone who wasn't unconscious breathed in abject awe.

"Told you it was too awesome to be beheld by mortal eyes," Tatsuki said, a proud grin spreading over her face.

"Yeah, we _totally_ kicked they'we asses!" Nel cheered, flashing the "peace" sign.

"_Language_ young lady!" Isane gasped indignantly before grabbing the four year old by the ear and dragging her out to the van for _such_ a scolding.

"So...," Renji said, scratching the back of his head, "any idea how we're going to transport all these guys to jail?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Remember folks, a cheerful rooster makes a good bacon sandwich (not Sanderwicci)._

_No, I don't really get it either. _

_Anyways, one of the next few chapters will have another cameo in it, a person favorite Anime character of mine. I'll give you a little hint; they wear glasses and a lab coat. _

_Well, I've said all I can think to say right now, all that's left is to let you's guys to let the chapter sink in and leave your reviews. _

_Though I can't help feeling that I've forgotten something..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

It had been hours after the KPD had the mobsters hauled away and they _still_ hadn't come back for Matsumoto yet.

Though at least they had the decency to take her gag off before they forget about her...

"Aw _DAMMIT!" _she whined, still hanging over the piranha tank, "now I _really_ have to pee!"


	61. Son of the Noise Complaints

_Only one more chapter 'til that Cameo I promised y'all last chapter! Guess who it is yet? (I know one of you _definitely_ has.) Well for those of you who haven't guessed yet, let's just say that this is a little...sciency..._

_On a completely unrelated note, fans of Elfen Lied should go check out Elfen Lied: The Second Verse by Themulchmeister. Yours truly holds the position of Editor for that story, and I even got to write whole scenes of it as well! So go check it out, see if you can distinguish my contributions. _

_Also, as per usual at this time, I shall inform you that the last chapter was written like Vladimir Nabokov, a Russian, multilingual author who's book Lolita is very highly regarded. _

_And now, of course, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Hey Ichigo," Rukia said one day while changing Quincy's food dish, "can I ask you something?"

Ichigo, who was searching around his desk for a case file he'd apparently misplaced, looked up at his girlfriend and said, "Something on your mind?"

"Well...," she said hesitantly, "it's about-"

"DOGPILE!" Ikkaku shouted, leaping into the air with wooden sword in hand. He collided with Ichigo, followed closely by Kiyone, Tatsuki, and Renji. Yumichika was standing well away from all the ruckus, having a friendly drink with Matsumoto.

"So how exactly did you get down from that hook at Cirucci's place again?" the feminine looking man asked. "You were never entirely clear on what happened."

"Sea turtles," the buxom policewoman said, "a couple of them came in and ate all the piranha in the tank." She took a swig of her liquor, "Then they lowered me down and untied me."

"That sounds more like one of Isane's dreams. You _sure_ that's what happened?"

Matsumoto nodded, smiling.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"Whatever..." Yumichika sighed, not feeling up to floundering ungracefully around a fight he knew he would ultimately lose.

Matsumoto drank more booze.

"Hey Isane," Rukia called to the only other adult in the room who wasn't A. looney, or B. trying to beat the crap out of each other. At the moment... "Is there anything interesting on the police scanner?"

"I'm not sure," Isane stated. She currently had her ear right up against the speaker grill and was fiddling with dials out of the corner of her eye. "It was working fine a second ago, but then the sound suddenly cut off and I haven't been able to get it back since."

"Do you tink dis has anyting to do with it?" Nel asked, holding up a plug that had been knocked out of it's socket when the other KPD members rolled passed in their brawl. She plugged it back in and the radio sprung to life.

"Now why didn't I think of that?" Isane mused.

"Because you suck at everything that isn't homemaking or medicine," her sister said bluntly, sticking her head out of the dust cloud her fighting kicked up. Almost immediately after she said that a hand reached out and pulled her back in by the head.

Isane stared at the dust cloud for a couple seconds before ignoring it and going back to listening to the scanner.

"It sound's like there's noise complaint in progress...possibly involving a drunken elephant," the police medic said. "...It looks like it's at the same place we seized Betsy the elephant from last time."

"You guyth have an ephelant?" Nel gasped, eyes wide with amazement that her friends would have something so cool.

"Actually no," Yumichika said, "it's true that Betsy stayed with us for a while, (pretty much drank us out of house and home; not even _Matsumoto_ has ever done that...), but after she left we sort of fell out of touch."

"Last I heard Betsy started a very lucrative career as an insurance agent," Matsumoto said, gesturing with her bottle.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Betsy: *knocks lightly on door*_

_Random occupant: *opens door* I'm sorry, but whatever it is you're selling, I'm afraid we're not interested._

_Betsy: *trumpets in occupant's face* _

_Occupant: *completely windblown* ...We'll take three._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I don't think she's ever lost a customer."

"I wish I coulda seen it..." Nel sighed longingly.

"I have pictures!" Matsumto said, pulling said pictures of her bosom.

"Shouldn't we go see to that disturbance?" Rukia questioned. "It seems kind of important, not to mention that it's kind of our job."

Random unrelated fact: Rukia is about the only member of the KPD who takes her job even remotely seriously. (Ichigo would be included in this if he wasn't always getting roped into random fights all the time.)

Eventually however Rukia was able to put an end to the impromptu brawl and she, Ichigo, Ikkaku, Kiyone, and even Matsumoto went to take cake of the civil issue that the involved parties were either unable or unwilling to solve themselves.

When they arrived at the domicile it was indeed the same one where they found Betsy. They could see lights flashing rapidly between different colors, and even in the car they could _feel_ the thumping bass of the music being played.

"Hey, I know this song!" Kiyone exclaimed, bobbing her head along to the beat.

"So do I," Ikkaku said, "it reminds me of the time Yumichika and I took Hanatarou out clubbing with us."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou: I don't know about this guys...the last time I tried to get into a club I ended up clear on the other side of town._

_Ikkaku: Oh stop being such a pussy! If you act cool enough, they'll let you in anywhere. *pauses* Besides, Zaraki doesn't even work at this club._

_Yumichika: But you also have to _look_ the part as well. *whips out applicator brush. When the powder dust clears Hantarou is sporting an exact copy of Yumichika's eyebrow feathers* Voila! _

_Hanatarou: This feels kind of gay..._

_Yumichika: *unfeathered eyebrow twitches* I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that..._

_Ikkaku: Well what are you waiting for? *kicks Hanatarou forward* Go try it out!_

_Hanatarou: OK, cool. Um... *to bouncer almost as intimidating as Kenpachi Zaraki* Ey, what's shakin'?_

_Bouncer: ...Gay. *punches Hanatarou right in the kisser*_

_Hanatarou: *spins around twice* ...Would you like cheese with that? *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"He never wanted to go with us much..."

"Maybe you could tell us about it after we deal with this," Ichigo said, opening his door.

The whole car was immediately blasted by music.

"I think the people in _Siberia_ are complaining about this noise!" Rukia tried to shout over the music.

"What?" Matsumoto asked, unable to hear anything.

"If we can make it to the house," Ichigo yelled, "then maybe we could cut the power or something!"

"What?" Matsumoto asked, unable to hear anything.

"I think I have the remix on my Ipod," Kiyone mentioned, still bobbing to the beat.

"What?" Matsumoto asked, unable to hear anything.

After about twenty minutes of pushing against a wall of pure sound our intrepid police officers made it to the door. With much effort Ichigo reached out his hand, pointer finger extended, and lightly tapped on the doorbell.

Ding-dong.

Suddenly a record scratched and all the noise and the lights completely and utterly stopped, so if was as if they never existed in the first place.

"What?" Matsumoto asked, unable to hear anything.

In the nearby trees, a bird whistled.

The door cracked open.

"I knew this was going to happen," Mizuirou sighed, opening the door the rest of the way. "Come on in..."

"Mizuirou!" Keigo shouted, jumping up from behind the sofa. "I told you not to let anyone-" Then he did a double take and noticed that it was the two female strippers from last time.

And apparently they brought a friend and a couple of male strippers as well.

"Greetings! And welcome to the garden of manliness of which I, Asano Keigo, currently preside as president!" He gave them a tight-looking salute, and then bowed deeply. He stood back up, "And don't worry guys, there's plenty of girls here as well."

"Look buddy," Ikkaku growled, grabbing the poor brunette by his collar, "I'll have you know that I am nothing- wait, how hot are these girls?"

"All tens!" Keigo whispered excitedly.

"Well, see you shmuks later!" the chrome-domed cop declared, ripping his uniform off.

He was in his Long Johns now.

"Ignoring _him..._," Ichigo said, turning back to Keigo, "turn down the noise or you'll have to pay a really huge fine."

"So cruel!" Keigo wailed exaggeratedly. "And this party cost fortune to put on!"

"But you only paid for the snacks," Mizuirou pointed out, "and that's you parents' stereo system-"

"IT COST A FORTUNE TO PUT ON!" Keigo said, grabbing Mizuriou by the collar and shouting in his face. Then, leaning in, he whispered "Why are you always trying to harsh my cool?"

"Seriously," Matsumoto huffed, "don't you guys have _any_ air conditioning?" She undid the top two buttons on her shirt and flipped her hair in sexy slow motion.

_Sweet!_ Keigo cheered to himself, letting go of his friend and roommate and running towards the supermodel cop in slow motion as well, _I forgot how hot these chicks were! I suppose the guys aren't bad looking either if you're into that kind of thing but _daaamn_ those chicks are hot! Hey, if you've got some cuffs on you we could-_

He was suddenly sent sprawling as Matsumoto snapped her arm out, shaking it a little.

"One of these day's I'm gonna have to get this looked at," she said offhandedly, flexing her arm experimentally.

"You might as well; Isane was just telling me the other day that it was almost time for the yearly physical," Kiyone said.

"Oh hell no! I'm not getting any more of those damn shots of her's!" Ikkaku bellowed, shaking what his Momma gave him and trying to get people to stick money down his Johns.

"So could you please just keep down the noise?" Rukia asked, actually trying to do her job.

"I'll hide Keigo's CDs," Mizuirou assured her, bowing respectfully.

_"The power of_ _love..."_ Keigo said woozily from the floor.

"Great, we're done," Ichigo said, relieved, "let's get back to the station."

"Hey!" Ikkaku called, forgetting the girls for a moment, "I didn't even get to read anyone their rights!" He hung his head and muttered "I like that part..."

"Fine," Ichigo consented, "you can read _one_ person their Miranda rights, but we're leaving right after that."

"Sweet!" He reached down his collar and pulled out a chain around his neck, on which was a 3x5 laminated copy of said rights. He squinted for a minute, "Dammit, why do they have to make this print so small?" Then he pulled out the glasses he bought from before the Espada episode (they miraculously survived that big chase sequence) and placed them on his nose.

Immediately every last girl in the house glued themselves to Ikkaku's arms, including Matsumoto and Kiyone.

He was still in his Long Johns mind you.

"You have _got_ to be [censor]ing kidding me..." Ichigo monotoned, staring dumbly at the spectacle. (Geddit?)

"OK, Let's see here..." Ikkaku said as he scanned the card, completely oblivious to the women hanging on his arms, "You have the right to remain silent; anything thing you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..."

"Ichigo?" Rukia asked, "Why did Ikkaku suddenly get five billion times more attractive?"

"I have no [censor]ing idea, he just gets like when he puts on glass-" Then his brain processed what his girlfriend asked him, "You're not ensnared by his witchcraft, are you?"

"Well I'm not feeling an uncontrollable urge to rub up against him like a cat in heat if that's what you mean," she said, noticing that some of the girls were doing just that (though thankfully not either of the ones she knew), "Besides, you're the only one I find attractive in this room." To prove her point she reached up and kissed him on the nose.

"Then it must only affect single women," Ichigo mused, hugging Rukia in return. Then he looked over at his bald comrade with deep sympathy, "Poor bastard will never know how good he has it..."

"...So there," said poor bastard finished, sticking the card back down the front of his Johns and removing his glasses.

All the girls immediately returned to whatever location they were in before Ikkaku put on his glasses. Matsumoto and Kiyone just stood where they were looking confused.

"Why do I suddenly feel all hot and bothered?" Kiyone asked.

"And I feel like I need to take a shower in hot oil for some reason," Matsumoto added.

"You're probably better off not knowing," Ichigo said quickly. "Come on; if we hurry, we can make it in time for the Molasses Drop Marathon before Rangiku drinks all the Coors Light."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"You guys _really_ need to get better television..." Rukia deadpanned, staring blackly at the image of molasses dripping on the TV screen.

"What are you talking about?" Renji said, one arm around Isane and the other reaching into the community popcorn bowl, "This stuff is awesome! And I'm not talking and to popcorn..." He tossed a small handful of the stuff into his mouth as he said that.

"It's the most emotional thing I've ever *hic!* seen," Matsumoto hiccuped, tears running down her face like rivers.

"I'm personally a fan of the character development myself," Tatsuki said, knocking back a cold one.

"It _speaks_ to me," Yumichika said, making a gesture that he thought would make him seem like a poet.

…

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"You guyth are kinda dumb, you know?" Nel said, sitting a ways off on the floor with her coloring books.

The KPD hung their heads in shame, realizing that they were totally kidding themselves.

"So," Ikkaku asked, "do we go with cable or satellite?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Yeah, they really don't have any lives, do they?_

_So, now that that's out of the way, anyone want to take another stab at guessing who will cameo in the next chapter? You already know that they wear glasses and a lab coat, but here's another hint: it's a she, and she works with viruses._

_And can't find a shower to save her life..._

_And don't forget to send in questions for Loly and Menoly! That's still going to happen!_


	62. Roadside service

_OK, this time I promise that y'all are going to get your cameo. ...Next chapter. (Seriously, why do I keep procrastinating this?) I apparently write this person pretty well (so I've been told) and have wanted an excuse to try my hand at her outside of the context of the series she's from. _

_This was it._

_And before I go any further, I'd like to give a shout out to soccerstar7, author of the phenominally hilarious_ Dude, what's with the robe?. _For those who don't know, she's had to deal with a lot of stuff in her personal life the past several months, so after you're done with this chapter head over to her profile and review some of her stories. They're from a bunch of different fandoms, so I'm sure you'll find something that you'll like. Trust me, the support will mean the world to her._

_Anyways, the last chapter was written like Chuck Palaniuk again. Apparently Fight Club was a good movie, so either go and see it or read a copy of the book. (I've done neither.) _

_So now that that's done, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

And so we once again look in on the intrepid Karakura Police Department, struggling at their latest challenge.

Car troubles.

"When was the last time we got these cars a tune up?" Rukia asked, handing Tatsukia a screw driver from the open toolbox on the ground next to her. They and the other four ladies had gone on a shopping trip, leaving the guys back at the station. On the way back the car they'd taken had broken down midway back, and they decided to fix the problem themselves, instead of actually calling a tow service or something like that.

"Oh they've never actually been in for a tune up," Tatsuki said from under the vehicle. "I've always done all the maintenance on these things," she explained, "ever since I got into this outfit." She stuck her head out from under the car, "Actually, you should have seen everything _before _I worked my magic on it!"

"I think I have," Rukia said morosely, the KPD van coming to mind. "Yesterday one of the hubcaps on the van growled at me."

"Really?" Kiyone chirped, sticking her head out of the window. "I think that same hubcap tried to flirt with me once."

"It was the back windshield wiper that tried to flirt with me," Matsumoto said, laying back on the squad car's roof. She had a shopping bag next to her filled with six-packs of saké.

"I think it tried to grab my butt once," said Isane, who shivered at the memory. She and Nel were looking out for passing cars to flag down so they could get all the frozen goods into proper storage conditions before they spoiled.

As luck would have it this was the day everyone else decided to avoid the route the girls were on.

Imagine that.

"Nel's _booooored!_" Nel complained. She'd run out of things to occupy herself with, and that coupled with the fact that she wasn't able to eat any of the food they bought made for a very antsy four year old. "Is da car awmost fixed?" she asked, putting a little whine into her voice.

"Patience is a virtue Nel," Isane admonished.

"Well den patience is _bowing_," she pouted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well," from Tatsuki said from under the car, "until I can get to the root of the problem -pass me that wrench...thanks- and since the the radio also _conveniently_ decided to quit on us as well, then you guys either have to wait or walk back. And no offense, but you guys wouldn't make it five steps before you collapse."

"Hey!" Kiyone shouted, climbing out of car, "I'm in damn good shape! I bet you I could run all the way to the station and back with one arm tied behind my-"

Tatsuki reached out from under the vehicle and grabbed Kiyone's ankle. With a complicated twist of her wrist Tatsuki sent the smaller woman spinning about a hundred feet down the highway.

"You're on," she said, pointing to where Kiyone landed before disappearing back under the car.

"_Just watch me!"_ Kiyone called, heading off toward what she thought was the direction of the station.

"I wonder what the guys are doing?" Rukia muttered as she watched Kiyone limp off into the distance.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I play Soul Release!" Ikkaku said, slapping down a card from his hand.

"First of all, it's not that kind of card game," Yumichika drawled, "Second, since when were you into children's fads anyways?"

"Go fish!"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Uno!"

"Sigh, that's what I thought..."

"Full house!"

For the record, the Odd Couple were playing with sports card. (Yumichika only had the ones where the people on them looked beautiful.)

"Hit me!"

Whether by design or just coincidence, Renji came up and smacked Ikkaku upside the back of his head.

"Happy now?" he asked.

"No!" Ikkaku shouted at the same time that Yumichika said "Yes".

"I hope the girls get back soon..." Ichigo said, lazily tapping some food into Quincy's bowl.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"[censor]dammit!" Tatsuki suddenly shouted, crawling out from under the car.

"What is it?" Isane asked, temporarily looking away from Nel, who was still pouting.

"It's what I was afraid of..." She held up a piece of molten slag, "_Sabotage_."

"What exactly was that?" Rukia wondered.

"No idea," Tatsuki shrugged, chucking the offending piece over her shoulder, eliciting a yowl from a cat a moment later. "But it was jammed into some really critical components, doing irreparable damage. We're gonna have to scrap the car."

"Shame," Kiyone said sullenly, having returned from her quest after she realized she didn't know any of the streets around here, "this particular car was my favorite."

"Why?" Nel asked mischievously, "were you _in wuuuv_ with it?"

Kiyone just shuffled in place, trying hard not to meet anyone's eyes.

"Oh good lowrd you arw in love wiff it aren't you?" the tiny tot said blankly.

"DON'T JUDGE ME!" Kiyone calmly stated. "None of you understand what it's like to feel this way about someone else!"

"I kinda do," Rukia said, sticking her hand up hesitantly, "And did you just-"

"NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND!" Her shoulders slumped in gloom, "Oh Lucille..."

_Lucille?_ Rukia wondered.

"Kiyone, you should have said something," her sister said, placing a comforting arm around the towheaded cop.

"Yeah," Tatsuki added, "we're happy for you and your...'car'friend, I guess?"

"Oh I'm not in love with the car," Kiyone said, suddenly right as rain, "it's just that this was the car I made my first arrest with." She looked at everyone with mirth in her eyes and a wry grin on her face, "I can't believe you all fell for that!"

Everyone just glared at her.

"Oh come on! You know it was funny!"

It wasn't funny.

"Maybe we could light a signal fire or something?" Isane suggested, putting her younger sister's unfunny joke out of mind.

"That might work," Rukia said thoughtfully, "but what would we use for kindling?"

"Nothing come to mind," Matsumoto shrugged, downing another cold one.

"Nel can't think of anything eider," Nel said, slumping onto the pavement dramatically, "I'm too hungwy..."

"I think there might be a candy bar or something in the glove compartment," Tatsuki mentioned, opening the passenger side door to look for said candy bar.

For some reason, none of them remembered the shopping bags sitting on the roof next to Matsumoto.

Oh wait, they only have saké in them. Never mind.

"I left that in there after my first arrest!" Kiyone shouted, jumping into the car after Tatsuki. "Get your stinking paws offa my chocolate you damn dirty ape!"

"Oh that's rich coming from the girl that can peel a banana with her feet!" Tatsuki retorted as the two of them kicked up a cloud of dust.

"I'M NOT A MONKEY!" the irate, second shortest member of the KPD screamed, upping her assault (for all the good it would ultimately do her).

"Hey guyth," Nel suddenly called out, currently with her ear on the ground, "I can hear thomething coming fwom down the road!"

"Really?" Rukia said, her spirits lifting. If another car would be passing by then they could either ask them for a ride back to the station or send them to get someone who could give them a ride.

"Are you sure?" Isane asked, also hopeful at the prospect of being rescued.

"Yup," the four year old said, concentrating intently on reading to vibrations in the earth. "Dey should be here in about a minute."

"Then there's only one thing to do now," Tatsuki said resolutely, turning towards Isane, "you're going to help flag them down." She eyed the medic up and down for a second, "Yeah, you look about right."

"Look right for what?" Isane asked, before it finally clicked. "Oh no, no no no no no no no NO I'm not doing that!"

"Come on, you gotta!" Tatsuki insisted. "Rukia can't do it because Ichigo would have a cow if he found out. Kiyone's out as well because she's too short for the part, and the same goes for Rukia as well."

Both offending women scoffed.

"And there's absolutely no way in holy Hell _I'm_ degrading myself like that."

"Well, what about Rangiku?" Isane persisted. "She's a hundred times as sexy as the rest of us put together!"

"Damn straight!" Matsumoto said, putting back another one.

Then a fly flew into her mouth as she was sighing in content and she she starting hacking, eventually triggering her gag reflex and releasing the accumulated contents of her stomach all over the windshield of the squad car.

"...Aside from _that_," Tatsuki continued, "she's _way _too over qualified for the job. Now slit that skirt down one leg and conspicuously check those stockings girl!"

"BUT I DON'T WANNA!" Isane cried as Tatsuki tried to slash at Isane's uniform skirt, while the medic tried to run away from her violent comrade for all she was worth (not that it would ultimately help her in the end).

"Should you go help her?" Rukia demanded at Kiyone, "She is your sister."

"Oh she'll be fine..." Kiyone waved the diminutive police woman off. "Unless _you_ want to try to stop Tatsuki..."

"No I'm good..."

Meanwhile, the car Nel heard was growing more steadily into view by the second.

"Oh let Nel take carwe of dis..." Nel sighed, moving her hands rapidly in a bunch of different signs. "Nel Special Technique: Sexy No Jutsu!" Then a cloud of smoke puffed up around her and Nel suddenly grew into a fully developed adult woman with barely a strip of cloth covering her, um, yeah...

All the ladies just stared.

Isane fainted.

"N-N-N-Nel?" Rukia stuttered, "when exactly did you...?"

"Hmm?" Nel cocked her head, then she looked down and realized what Rukia was referring to. "Oh, I perfected this about two weeks ago," she said, her voice now older and more sultry. Also, she apparently lost her speech impediment for some reason. "I had some free time during my secret training sessions with Tatsuki and I was bored."

"So that's what you were doing during the one minute break sessions!" Tatsuki realized, snapping her fingers. "You look just like you did back when you where an Espada!"

"I was a what?" Nel (big) asked.

It seems that even though she regained her former appearance, her memories of before still eluded her grasp. Though maybe that was for the better.

"Uh, nothing..." Tatsuki figure this as well.

"Here comes the car," Kiyone said as the car got closer.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"We're back!" Matsumoto called as she and the others came through the front door. Nel had since shrunk back to her normal size and was riding on Rukia's shoulders.

"What happened to you guys?" Ichigo asked. "You're like, seven hours late." He gestured to the other three guys around the room, and their various states; Ikkaku was half sprawled in the doorway of the bathroom, his butt sticking high like a misshapen boulder. Yumichika was just standing a few feet away, shaking his head morosely.

"Do we even want to know?" Nel asked.

Ichigo curtly shook his head.

"Whateverw den," the tot shrugged, jumping off the Rukia's shoulders and heading for her coloring books.

"Hey wait a minute," Tatsuki snapped, looking around the room, "where's Renji?"

Just then Renji fell from the ceiling into the micro-climate, and then almost instantly spat him out again straight into the wall.

"He was trying to collapse the upstairs bathroom into the the mirco-climate in lieu of calling in a hazmat cleanup unit," the orange haired man explained.

"But it would have...saved...money..." Renji choked out before he fell unconscious.

"Isane your boyfriend died," Kiyone said emotionlessly.

"Sigh...I'll go get the Phoenix Downs..."

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

___Well, they made it back; the driver of the car (it was a Mini Cooper) that pulled up died of a severe brain aneurism when he saw Nel so Rukia ended up driving. Until Nel changed back it was standing room only. _

___Not that you should stand in a moving car, that'd be bad. _

___Seriously, don't do it. _

___Anyways, the cameo I mentioned before should be making their debut next chapter, so prepare yourself for laughs, chuckles, giggles, and lotsa B.O._

___Now go read and review soccerstar7's stories. If you do, I might post a special chapter a week early._


	63. Science stinks

_OK, I promise the cameo will be in this one. Trust me, this person is hilarious. _

_But Dang, I never realized there were so many Elfen Lied fans that read this_

_So now we come to that part of the Author's Note where I tell you that the last chapter was written like James Joyce. I'm really not that familiar with the guy other than what I've told you before, so I don't have anything witty or informative to say this time. _

_Oh yeah, and I think there's another minor character making their comeback this time as well. _

_Anyways, I've made y'all wait long enough for this. So now, in the immortal words of some famous dude, "On with the crack!"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Aah, it's another beautiful day in Karakura Town, and the KPD are acting like idiots as usual.

"Gimme back my toenail clippers!"

"Make me!"

Like I said, as usual.

And also as usual, Rukia and Ichigo were sitting slightly apart from everyone else, glad that the stupidity hadn't migrated their way yet.

"You remember when everything used to be all quiet and everyone took their jobs seriously?" Ichigo asked, looking down at Rukia.

"No," Rukia answered, shaking her head.

"Yeah, me neither..."

"Has anyone seen my eyebrow glue?" Yumichika asked, flitting around his desk, rifling through it's contents.

"OK, _question?_" Kiyone raised her hand, "_Why_ would anyone besides you use that?"

"I have no idea," Matsumoto said, using said eyebrow glue to stick numerous and sundry things that glittered to her face.

Beside her Nel sported identical attire.

"...oh what the hell!" Kiyone tossed her hands in the air and went over to join the two fashion _faux pas_.

What? She was bored out of her skull too.

"Seriously Ikkaku," Isane persisted, "those are prescription clippers; only a handful companies even do this!"

"The Lord of the Toenail Clippers shall not be defeated!" he shouted, continuing to prance about the room, staying just out of Isane's reach.

Thankfully, the phone decided to ring.

"I'll get it," Tatsuki drawled, heading over to the ringing phone. She picked up the offending receiver, "Hello? Oh, Momo, nice to hear from you...Yeah we're all fine here; and by that I mean no one's gone _completely_ insane yet...Three times now...no, that was only the second time...with olives...No, he hasn't gotten it unstuck yet...paperclips...only when there's a full moon out...OK, well, tell him we said hello...Later." She hung up the phone, the turned to find everyone staring at her. "What?"

"Tell us what that was all about!" they demanded.

"All right, _geez!_ That was Momo; she said that she and her roommate were in the area shopping and she asked if it was alright if the two of them dropped by for a visit." Then she plopped herself down at her desk, feet propped on high. "Happy now?"

"Cool!" Nel exclaimed, "I didn't get to meet Momo-chan last time." She turned to Rukia and explained "She alweady left by de time I got back fwom Yachiru and Kenny's house."

"How far away is she?" Matsumoto asked, a couple of sequins falling off her face.

Suddenly the front door opened and Momo (plus guest) walked through.

"Hey everyone!" Momo waved. Behind her stood another woman, maybe a little older than Momo, wearing a sweater, skirt, and thin rimmed glasses; short brown hair framed her face.

"Nice to meet you," the woman said, giving a polite bow, "my name's Arakawa."

"You look _weally_ dorky in dose glasses," Nel said abruptly, before turning to Momo, "Hi Momo-chan, nice to meetchya!"

"You must be Nel," Momo said, kneeling down to Nel's level, "Isane's told me a lot about you."

_I look dorky?_ Arakawa wondered to herself.

"Are you OK Miss Arakawa?" Rukia asked. She noticed Arakawa's face fall, "Is something wrong?"

"No no, I'm fine!" Arakawa said, waving her hands dismissively. Then she turned it down a bit, "You must be Rukia, right?"

"I am," Rukia said, holding her hand out. "It's a pleasure to meet a friend of Mo-" Suddenly her olfactory organs registered a faint scent that could only be described as week old onions mixed with rotting eggs. However, since no one else seemed to be bothered by it she put it out of her mind, "...uh, -chan's."

"Likewise." After a short but somewhat awkward silence, the bespectacled woman asked "So, um...Momo says that you and Ichigo are an item?"

"Well we're both boyfriend and girlfriend if that's what you mean..." Rukia rubbed the back of her head sheepishly.

"Hey, how do you know Momo?" Kiyone asked.

"It's not really that interesting..." Arakawa said, now her turn to look sheepish, "I just followed up on her add in the paper about looking for a roommate."

For a moment, no one said anything. Yumichika's cricket didn't even chirp, _that's_ how unspectacular the woman's explanation was.

"_Wow_ is that boring," Ikkaku said blandly.

Everyone else nodded in agreement.

Arakawa hung her head in despair.

"Why must I be so utterly bland?" she asked no one in particular as she slumped onto her hands and knees. A small raincloud hovered depressingly over her head.

"Don't worry," Matsumoto said, putting a reassuring hand on the sulking woman's shoulder, "you'll get used to it!" Arakawa stared at the buxom police woman for a second...

Then burst into sobbing tears.

"_Baka!_" Tatsuki slapped Rangiku upside the head ("Owie!"), "You just made it worse!"

"There there," Isane cooed, giving the distraught woman a comforting hug, "I'm sure you're not as boring as-" She was suddenly bombarded by a furious stench that made every single hair on her head stand on end. (It looked kind of like Yumichika's afro.) "Um, Arakawa-san?" she strained, "I hope I'm not rude in asking this, but...when was the last time you bathed?"

"*sniff*," Arakawa explained, "not since last week." She tried to compose herself, "It's just that I've been so busy at work that I just haven't had time for anything else really."

Isane dis-joined herself from the smelly woman and aimlessly and robotically walked off.

"What do you do?" Ichigo asked as he watched Isane walk off listlessly.

"I'm a virologist," she said, noticeably brightening up, "Right now my colleagues and I are working on a an antidote for a strain that-"

"Where did Nel and Momo go!" Isane suddenly called out, rushing back into the room and searching about it frantically.

Her hair was still all frizzy by the way.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Nel: *confused* So whewe did you say we were going? _

_Momo: *excited* It's the cutest little shop I found since I moved here~! _

_Nel: *still wary* But won't Isane-chan be worried dat we left wifout saying anything? _

_Momo: Don't worry; when she realizes you're with me she'll go back to worrying about bugs or germs or whatever. She was always like that back in college. _

_Nel: *is fine with that* OK den! _

_Momo: Oh look, were here! _

_Nel: *even more confused* ...It's an optomopus- optogon- autowalka-...a gwasses place._

_Momo: *still excited* I know! Isn't it just _adorable_?~_

_Nel: Yeah, you do that; Nel's going to go to dat candy shtowe over dere. Maybe I'll have a Viking Bar or something..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I think I heard Momo say she wanted to show Nel something in town," Yumichika said. "I think she said they'd be back before long."

"You're sure?" Isane zipped up to the prim princess of the KPD and pressed her face so close to his that they were almost making out. (This can be disproved by two reasons: the fact that Isane already had a boyfriend, and the fact that she still had a phobia of intimate physical contact with other sentient beings.)

"_Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss..._" Yumichika drawled, somewhat (very) uncomfortable with Isane's proximity to his person.

"OK, Isane," Tatsuki placated, gently manhandling her away from the traumatized prima donna, "I think it's 'nappy time' for you..." As soon as they were a safe distance away, the female Bruce Lee karate chopped the back of Isane's neck, knocking the frightful medic unconscious.

"Anyways..." Ichigo said, disjoining his attention from Isane's antics, "Miss Arakawa, what were you saying about viruses- uh...before?"

But when he turned back to where the pungent virologist was, there was only air.

"Where'd she go?" Rukia also noticed Momo's friend had disappeared.

"Aaaaaaand..." Rangiku announced from the other side of the room. Currently she, Ikkaku, and Arakawa were gathered around her desk, two bowls of three alarm chili in front of the chrome dome and the scientist lady. Rangiku was standing between them, holding up a white handkerchief. "...Go!" She threw the handkerchief on the ground and Arakawa and Ikkaku ravenously dub into their respective bowls.

"Oh..."

"I'm more surprised that we actually had all the right ingredients to make chili with," Tatsuki stated matter-of-factly.

Renji, who had been mesmerized by the micro-climate a while back, now had his attention fixed on the impromptu eating match, "I wouldn't have pegged Momo's friend as a speed eater."

Then, just a few seconds later, Arakawa gulped down the last of her chili and brought her hand down on a large red button that no one noticed before, a mildly pleasant male voice stated "Well that was easy." as she did.

"Yes!" she cried.

"No fair!" was Ikkaku's comeback.

"Shut up Chrome Dome!" Tatsuki yelled from across the room.

"Learn to lose gracefully," advised Yumichika.

"Ichigo," Rukia said to her boyfriend, "is it sad that I'm actually _wishing_ for crime to happen?"

"You get used to the feeling," he said, patting her shoulder reassuringly.

"Uh oh," the bespectacled scientist lady said, holding her stomach, "I think the chili wants to-"

THRRBBBBBBT!

Two seconds later everyone (who wasn't already unconscious) was knocked out by the noxious odor that now permeated the room.

"...I'm taking a damn shower," Arakawa stated dryly. This apparently was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's already huge back. "Now where's the bathroom around here..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"_Rukia..." _a voice called to her. Though it was somewhat muffled and distant, and though the vertically challenged police woman was still dazed from the chemical weapon attack before, she could still hear the British in it.

"_Rukia..."_ The voice was a bit clearer now, and was vaguely familiar. Still, some part of her body didn't want to get up, and her mind didn't feel like getting into an argument with it, so with a mumble akin to "Five more minutes..." she rolled over and continued her slumber.

"...CEASE YOUR SLUMBER AND ARISE YOU ADDLEBRAINED EXCUSE FOR A DWARVEN LAWWOMAN!'

"Ahh! I'm awake I'm awake!" Rukia cried, snapping into a sitting position. After taking a few seconds to calm down a bit she looked around and saw Quincy, sitting in his high-backed armchair and wearing a classy smoking jacket. "Oh, hi Quincy."

"Greetings Rukia," the genteel British mouse said, holding up a copy of whatever paper he must have been reading, "What brings you to my humble abode on this occasion?"

"I think some prankster set off a stink bomb in the office," she explained, shaking her head a little bit; even in whatever dream world she was in now the stink from before still stubbornly clings to her nostrils. "Thanks for the warning by the way," she said, "even if the Espada did take us completely by surprise."

Quincy smiled politely (can mice smile?), though it looked pasted on.

"...the who?"

"You know," she persisted, "the Espada; the dire threat coming to Earth, _'Time is what you don't have'_?"

"I never said the threat would be these 'Espada' you're talking about; I've never even heard of such a group."

…

…

…

"...You mean they _weren't_ the threat you mentioned?" Rukia was quite flabbergasted. _And all this time..._

"Oh no, certainly not! The threat I mentioned is _much_ greater than a few misguided, lovestruck hooligans who aren't good at handling rejection."

"Well," Rukia conceded, "I guess you do have a...wait, didn't you just say you didn't know who they were?"

"..._OH_ look at the time, the Cricket and I have a rave we're supposed to be at!" The mouse began awkwardly shuffling towards a conveniently appeared doorway made of cheese. "I thoroughly enjoyed this little chat," he said as he stepped through the door, "we should endeavor to do it again!" And with that he was gone.

...leaving her in the middle of and endless expanse.

Rukia scanned said endless expanse and, finding nothing there, sighed. "I _really_ hope I wake up soon..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_I suppose it would be too late to mention that one can potentially (and allegedly) control the content of one's dreams while one is dreaming them huh? One. _

_But yeah, that's all folks. I'm not sure what I'll do next time, but maybe y'all have some ideas! I accept both reviews and PM's. _


	64. It's for charity

_OK, I think I've got something for the next chapter here. It'll probably be stupid, asinine, make little sense, and therefor will be funny. _

_And if booze is the only thing that helps keep you glued to your seat then the more the merrier I say! _

_And now, as it is customary, it's that time in the author's note again where I inform you which well renowned author the last chapter of the story was written like, this week being James Joyce. Since he's one of the many repeat offenders I keep getting in the segment, I'm just going to refer you back to previous chapters if you want to know about him. (Rest assured I'll still do the normal bit if someone new or noteworthy pops up.) _

_And now, as the say in Sweden, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Karakura Town; a place with few criminals and even less crime...

Seriously, the worst thing any has to worry about are the occasional noise complaint and food poisoning. (More so than you might think.) In fact, if crime is at a world wide low here, why do they even need a police force in the first place? I mean, they don't really do anything most of the time; they just sit on their asses at he station and argue about pointless nonsense a lot of the time.

"OK, we'rwe gonna start dah bidding at 20, who hath 20?"

Except today, where they're holding a charity event to raise money for little lost Bunnies.

...It was Rukia's idea.

And yes, Nel _is_ the auctioneer.

"I'm still not too comfortable with this," Kiyone said, fidgeting nervously on stage left. She and the other gals of the KPD (sans Rangiku who was on stage at he moment, doing the celebrity wave while Nel did her thing _way_ too well) were auctioning off a kiss each to five lucky guys.

"A bunch of woman effectively degrading themselves to nothing more than property to be used for the pleasure of random guys?" Renji asked, "Seems fine to me."

All the ladies glared at him.

_Very_ glared. (Off to the side Ikkaku was going "I have taught you well, my apprentice...")

"In fact," he continued unawares, "I'm having more of a problem with how good Nel is at this auctioneer bit." He then turned around and noticed the laser beams all aimed in his direction. "...What?"

"I think what Ferny here ("HEY!") is trying to say," Yumichika interjected before things came to _extremely_ excessive violence, "is that all you're doing is giving a chaste kiss to some lucky sap who will then pledge money to be used in the aid of destitute _leporidae_." Hopefully this would lower their anger to only normal violence.

"I doubt anyone would even vote for you," Ikkaku said from off to the side.

From inside Yumichika's man purse, his cricket chirped.

He was promptly kicked in the groin by all for women at once. (Ikkaku, not the cricket.)

Good job, buddy. (Hey, at least they weren't angry at Renji anymore.)

"Meaning that," Yumichika said, having taken over the job of stupidity translator, "people don't want to deal with the repercussions of stealing Ichigo or Renji's respective girlfriends-"

"Seems reasonable," Renji agreed.

"-accidentally getting murdered, castrated, resurrected, and then murdered again by Tatsuki-"

"He's right," Tatsuki also consented.

"-or having to spend time with an uncouth, primitive, boyish looking simian."

"Yeah," Kiyone nodded, "they wouldn't- wait, _huh?_"

It was then that she realized she didn't understand a single word her feminine comrade had just said.

"A monkey," he clarified when he noticed Kiyone's stupefied expression.

"Oh," she said, "cause with all those big words you were using I doubt anyone could HEY I AM NOT A MONKEY!"

"When you put it like that I suppose Rangiku really is the only safe bet," Tatsuki said, glancing over at the stage where the bidding was still going story. "Kinda feel sorry for Ichigo though; having to hold back all those love struck guys by himself."

"Well he drew the short straw," Ikkaku pointed out, "and no one can go against the power of the almighty straw. The Straw is Law!" After staring at him awkwardly for a few seconds everyone just decided to ignore it and instead focus on Ichigo and his unappealing crowd control duties.

"It's a wonder they all don't just rush him to breath the same general air as she does," Kiyone said, having gotten over the monkey comment, "If I were a guy, that's what I'd be trying to do."

Meanwhile, on stage, Matsumoto was starting to get bored waiting for the bidding to end.

"Are we almost done yet?" Matsumoto whined. "It's been over an hour since I last had a drink, and on top on that my arm is starting to feel funny."

"Just tough it out fow a few morwe minutes," Nel whispered out of the side of her mouth, "I have a feeling we'rwe about to get a winner." She then turned back to the crowd and continued the bidding. "Alwight, we'rwe at 550, do I hearw 560?"

"2000!" a voice yelled, all other noises silenced.

"Uh, who wath dat?" Nel asked into the microphone, scanning the large crowd for surprise bidder.

"Over here!" When everyone focused in on a solitary waving hand they suddenly parted, allowing the individual to run right up to the stage. "Asano Keigo, President and the interim treasurer of the Garden of Maniless," Keigo announced, Ichigo grabbing into his collar before he could make it on stage, "here to claim my spoils!"

"Show me dah cash fiwst," Nel said resolutely, holding out her hand expectantly.

"Yeahsurewhatever," Keigo mumbled, chucking the money at the tiny tot of the KPD and then shoving past her. Matsumoto wasn't really paying attention to this, as she was still waving (though looking more tired and bored than before). While Matsumoto was thinking how nice it would be to get a freaking break from all the waving, Keigo continued to prance towards the voluptuous policewoman in slow motion.

_Hot DAMN have I been waiting for this for eons! And to think, (*_Um, you can stop waving now Matsumoto._*), it only cost me my food money for the month. Hey baby, is that your mule there? Cause if it is, then you've got a fine a-_

Matsumoto suddenly snapped her arm out, clocking Keigo across the face and sending him sprawling. She sighed contentedly, ignoring the twitching mass that was Asano Keigo.

"_Ahhhh_..." Matsumoto massaged her arm, "you don't know how good this feels after waving for twenty minutes straight." She flexed her arm a little bit and said "Now where's that beer cooler?"

"I [censor]ing swear," Tatsuki swore, "that kid gets beat up almost as much as Hanatarou did."

"That reminds me of one of my pranks I played," Ikkaku reminisced.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou: *doing paperwork*_

_Ikkaku: *standing behind Hanatarou, holding an inflated paper bag over his head* ...KAWABUNGA! *pops bag*_

_Hantarou: *spazzes, then falls to the floor*_

_Ikkaku: WAHAhahahahaha! Man, that was priceless! _

_Hanatarou: Please adjust your seat to an upright and locked position... *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Goooood times..."

"Hey," Kiyone interjected, "didn't you try that on Tatsuki once?"

Ikkaku turned to stone, frozen.

"Huh?" Rukia wondered, cocking her head to the side.

"It was the one and only time anyone's ever played a prank on Tatsuki," Yumichika explained.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Tatsuki: *reading newspaper while chewing gum*_

_Ikkaku: *holding inflated paper bag over her head*_

_Tatsuki: ..._

_Ikkaku: ..._

_Tatsuki: ..._

_Ikkaku: ..._

_Tatsuki: ..._

_Ikkaku: ..._

_Tatsuki: ..._

_Ikkaku: …_

_Tatsuki: ..._

_Ikkaku: ...*lets bag drop to floor* I enjoy breathing. _

_Tatsuki: *without turning around* Good choice. *blows bubble and pops it*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"After that he stuck to pranking Hanatarou, sometimes the others."

"My one failure..." Ikkaku bemoaned, hanging his head in shame; dark storm clouds hovered sorrowfully over his head.

"...So _anyways_," Rukia tried to awkwardly segway, "what happens now that the main event is over?"

"That is actually a good point," Kiyone mused, "I don't think we ever planned that that far ahead when we decided to do this thing in the first place."

"Maybe I can help," Orihime said from behind the group.

"Yeah that's nice..." Tatsuki said, waving dismissively. She turned back to the group, "I guess we just took so long deciding what to do for this stupid event that we just WHEN THE HELL DID YOU GET HERE, ORIHIME?"

It was then that she realized that her friend was standing behind her.

"Hours ago," the chestnut haired girl said with a shrug, totally taking Tatsuki's outburst in stride, "When I heard you guys were putting on a charity auction for poor, lost little bunny rabbits I just had to be here! Actually, I was standing almost where Ichigo is." She pointed to the strawberry headed boyfriend of one Rukia Kuchiki, who was still trying to keep the hordes of lonely men at bay. "Can I make a donation?"

"I don't see why not," Isane shrugged, opening up a ledger. "How much should I put you down for?"

"FOR THE LAST FREAKING TIME I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT I CAN DO WITH RUKIA AND A WALL!" Ichigo announced.

"Um...what's...?" Orihime ventured uncertainly.

"He...argues with himself...sometimes..." Rukia explained.

"OR MATSUMOTO, YOU SICK BASTARD!"

"I see..." Orihime sweatdropped.

"Maybe he should look into some professional help," Erza suggested, suddenly appearing amidst the group and stroking her chin.

"Erza too!" everyone gasped, a tad quicker on the uptake this time.

Ikkaku squealed like a little girl and jumped into Matsumoto's can o' beer.

"And how long have you been here?" Yumichika asked.

"Oh, just now," Erza shrugged. "I wanted to get here earlier but the fight I was in with the Cyborg Zombie Drug Triad took longer than I thought. Should I pay by cash or check?"

"LEAVE TATSUKI'S FRIEND OUT OF THIS YOU SICK FREAK! YOU GOT A DEATH WISH OR SOMETHING?"

Erza stared at Ichigo quizzically.

"Does he always...?"

"Only sometimes," Rukia sighed. She loved the boy, but there was only so much of his boughts of bug-nuts crazy she could defend. _Maybe I should take her up on that offer..._

"Hey, Mop Top," Nel said, slapping Keigo on on cheek, "you OK in derwe?"

"Peachy..." Mop Top said, giving the universal sign of A-OK; he was lying face down on the stage.

From Nel's podium, Yuymichika's cricket chirped.

"Did anyone order pizza?" Everyone turned to see Urahara holding a five boxes of pizza. "I caught the guy on the way in. Anyone got change for a twenty?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_For what it's worth, they eventually decided to give the money to disaster relief. _

_Anyways, not much to say at the end of this chapter, just keep sending in ideas for me to bastardize- I MEAN INCOPORATE! into the story, and review review review; who knows? I might just glean something from them that will become a new chapter._


	65. Ahnold Tribute

_I don't know why I didn't think of this before; Ahnold cameo! I mean, have you seen his movies? They're the only thing more crackish than this fic! Plus, Matsumoto deserves a little reward for at least _trying_ to turn over a new leaf. _

_I wasn't originally going to post this one so soon, but I just couldn't resist a holiday posting. Besides, I can't think of any better way to celebrate American Independence Day than with a cameo from the greatest American ever. _

_An Austrian. _

_Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo-sama and Viz Media. Arnold Schwarzenegger belongs to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger's movies belong to whoever made them._

_So, given the track record of my author's notes, you probably know what four words are coming next, right? _

_Get to da choppa! (Oh and, you know, on with the crack...)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"_I'll be back..."_ Arnold said, just before the background exploded behind him and he took of in the stolen military grade helicopter with the supermodel he rescued from the South American druglord as the credits rolled.

"Wasn't that just the best?" Matsumoto asked, turned to the rest of her comrades. After two weeks of pestering she'd finally talked them into a Schwarzenegger movie marathon, hoping that they to would come to the awesomeness that was "Ahnold".

The rest of the KPD just stared blankly.

"Come on," Matsumoto persisted, "there is _no way_ you could say that wasn't the best movie you ever saw." She looked at everyone expectantly.

They...kinda just looked indifferent.

"Guys...?"

"It was an OK movie Rangiku," Rukia said, trying to handle the situation delicately so as to not hurt her comrade's feelings, "but..."

"The plot was oversimplified, the acting was sub-par, the writing didn't engage, the action scenes were too chaotic for their own good, the love interest was completely pointless in relation to the overall story, Arnold's lines were practically all one-liners, the villain was kinda lame, the henchmen shoot worse than Stormtroopers from Star Wars, and the special effects the worst I've ever seen in my life!" Tatsuki said simply.

Matsumoto started tearing up.

"Tatsuki!" Isane scolded, putting her arm around the boozed-up blond, "You could have at least said that in a nicer way..."

"I kinda have to agree with Tatsuki," Renji reluctantly joined in, "it was _kind_ of a bad movie."

"*sniff*," Matsumoto protested, "but it's my favorite movie..."

Everyone else wisely made not another observation about the movie, good or otherwise.

"Why did we even watch a movie tonight anyways?" Yumichika wondered, "I thought Thursday was our movie night."

"It's because it's the anniversary of the day Matsumoto joined the Force," Kiyone explained. "It's only right that she get's to choose what we do today."

"Dat and no one ewse could tink of anything ta do," Nel sagely pointed out. She was coloring in some Terminator coloring books that Matsumoto bought for the occasion.

"I actually remember seeing this movie back when it first come out," Ichigo remarked, taking the DVD out of the player.

"You did?" Matsumoto gasped excitedly, her eyes covered in desu sparkles.

"I remember it being a lot better then..."

Matsumoto hung her head, clouds of gloom suddenly hanging over her.

"Zzzz-huh, what?" Ikkaku suddenly woke up, "Is the movie over yet?" He glanced over at his big boobed comrade, "What's up with Rangiku?"

"I'm gonna go do some paperwork..." she muttered, trudging off towards her desk. Everyone was thoroughly surprised of course. Rangiku? Doing _paperwork?_ What aberration of evil is this that has replaced-

She grabbed a bottle of booze that was sitting on her desk and started guzzling it.

OK then, never mind.

"Aw, don't cwy, Big Boobies," Nel tried to comfort. She trotted over to Matsumoto (who was just finishing the bottle) and hugged her.

"Thanks Nel, *hic*," Matsumoto thanked her, giving her a small hug back, "but I don't think anything short of Ahnold actually coming here could snap me out of this funk."

And then a bulldozer crashed through the station wall.

"Pardon me," the man driving it said as he stepped out; He was rather tall, towering at least a full head over the rest of them. He had a physique that could make body builders jealous that practically exploded out of the tank top he wore. (I could compare it to Matsumoto and her boobs, but I'm sure you've already thought of it.) Also he spoke with a bit of Austrian accent, "the door was locked."

Matsumoto shot to her feet, accidentally throwing Nel to the floor. ("Ow!") Joy and mirth erupted on her face, and it was all she could do to keep from fainting dead away.

"No [censor]ing way..." everyone breathed numbly; standing in their midst was none other than _the _Arnold Schwarzenegger, in all his Ahnoldy glory.

Oh yeah, he was also wearing the shades he wore in the Terminator movies.

"It can't really be you," Ichigo marveled, disbelieving, "can't it?"

"Believe it, _puny human_," he said in his heavily accented voice. "Now," he held out his hand to the KPD in general, "come with me if you want to live!"

"_Move and we shoot!"_

Not two second after he said that, the who KPD building was surrounded by a bunch of men in army fatigues and Balaclavas pointing automatic weapons at them. They also had a bunch of tanks scattered about, as well as a couple of helicopters with mounted weapons.

"How did those get there?" Kiyone exclaimed, pointing crazily at the arm goons suddenly outside their headquarters. "You'd think we would have heard them come up."

"Well whoever they are," Tatsuki said with a gleam in her eye, suddenly brandishing twin shotguns, "they picked the wrong police station to to attack."

"Oh _hellz yeah!_" Ikkaku cried, grabbing his favorite wooden sword from the wall, "This is gonna be the best freaking dog pile EVER!"

"Have you ever thought of trying _diplomacy_ instead of just hitting everything in sight?" Yumichika asked tiredly, gracefully drawing his katana. "Because I'd rather not sully Ruri'iro Kujaku's beautiful blade with unworthy blood."

"What do you say we show these pussies who they're messing with?" Arnold asked, suddenly holding a large machine gun. He turned back to look at Matsumoto, "You too, cutie pie."

She fainted.

Dead away.

She was still smiling, by the way.

"Rangiku!" Isane cried, rushing over to the unconscious, usually drunk policewoman. After a quick look-see she determined that her comrade was in fact _not_ dead, and that her brain just overloaded from the sheer awesomeness of her idol calling her "cutie pie".

"Is she gonna be OK?" Rukia worried. Isane nodded, alleviating Rukia's concern.

"Come on Itsygo," Nel grunted, tugging on Ichigo's pant leg, "gwab your sword and go fight tings!"

"Nel," he sighed, "I appreciate that you think I can kick the gad guys' asses, (at least I _think_ that's what you're saying...), but everyone else seems to have this under control. I mean, there just isn't really any reason for me to-"

"Ichigo!" Rukia screamed, being carried off by one of the goons that was somehow lucky enough to make it passed the other cops and Arnold.

"GET BACK HERE WITH MY GIRLFRIED YOU RAT BASTARD!" he shouted, grabbing Tensa Zangetsu and running after Rukia's abductor.

Or maybe not so lucky...

Nel just smirked.

Meanwhile, out on the battlefield...

"I don't understand," Kiyone grumbled, shooting the faceless mooks with dual pistols, "How could they be aiming _right at him,_ and yet none of the bullets are hitting him?"

"No clue," Arnold said, shooting aimlessly and yet falling baddies left and right, "It just happens."

"Does it really matter?" Tatsuki asked, picking off foe after foe with her shotguns, "I'm just happy to have stuff to shoot!" In emphasis she aimed one of her guns directly behind her and blew the baddie that was there fifty feet down the road. "Two Hands would love this..."

"What ever happened to your...um, 'colorful' friend anyway?" Yumichika asked, dodging knife swipes from his opponent.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Revy: Hey [censor]head! [censor]ing bring me another [censor]ing beer! *crushes empty can on forehead*_

_Hanatarou: *shaking uncontrollably*B-b-but you've already had fifty cans, not to mention those twenty-five bottle of gin before that...and the thirty bottles of saké..._

_Revy: *stands, out menacing Byakuya* **Are you [censor]ing trying to [censor]ing tell me what to do?**_

_Hanatarou: Eep! No ma'am- uh, I mean Master- Your Majesty- Kami-sama- ...please don't kill me?_

_Revy: *still menacing* Oh, I'm not going to kill you just yet; you still need to learn your [censor]ing lesson for drenching me in [censor]ing sewer water, bitch... And "master" will do fine._

_Hanatarou: *sighs in relief* Very well Master. *hands Revy another beer* _

_Revy: About [censor]ing time... *takes sip, then violently spits it out* You trying to [censor]ing kill me with this non-alcoholic [censor]? *clobbers Hanatarou, then sits back down in her chair*_

_Hanatarou: I live to serve...and get beaten up apparently. *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Probably halfway to Fresno or something," Tatsuki shrugged, loading more shells into one of the guns.

"Hey buddy," Arnold said to one of the soldiers that had strayed too close, "you hungry?"

"Huh?" This was such a strange request for the man that he actually stopped for a minute to try and process it. He felt just fine; He'd just eaten before they'd launched the attack, and if he did actually feel a bit peckish then he could just open one of the ration bars that he-

"How about a knuckle sandwich?" Arnold pulled his fist back and let loose a mighty that sent the guy soaring all the way out to sea.

"That was friggin' awesome!" Ikkaku marveled, "I'm gonna try it!" He went up to a random Balaclava-ed soldier and tapped him on the shoulder. "Yo dude, you wanna be an astronaut?"

The soldier turned around and regarded Chrome Dome quizzically. "What...?"

"Look both way before you cross the street!" And with that Ikkaku whacked him on the head with his wooden sword, knocking the guy unconscious.

There wasn't a single sound on the entire battlefield.

Back in the station, Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"OK, time out," Arnold said, making a "T" with his hands, "let's me show you how it's done." He pointed at a random enemy soldier, "You!"

The soldier pointed at himself.

"Yes you, get over here for a minute; I want to show my bald friend something." The soldier walked over to Arnold, who whispered in his ear "play along for a minute" before straightening up and getting serious, "You want to be a farmer?"

"Actually, yeah," the soldier agreed, "it's been a life long dream of mine."

"Really?" Arnold was pleasantly surprised at this. "Well, then let help you out."

"Thanks man, I really-"

"Here's a couple of achers!" He punted the soldier right in his nuts, sending him clear into the stratosphere. "OK, time in."

In the middle of a match, Erza felt a disturbance in the Force; like some poor sod getting sent clear off the planet, and it wasn't her doing this time.

Back at the ranch (meaning KPD headquarters) Nel was minding Matsumoto's comatose body. Isane was off looking for some smelling slats, since every other avenue she'd used to try and wake the usually drunk woman with had been ineffective so far.

"It'th too bad yourw unconscious for all dis," Nel said offhandedly, watching the show outside through the large hole in the station wall, "Arwnud's saying some gweat stuff!" ("Stick around!" he announced as he pinned some guy to a tree with a machete.)

"Squeak!" Quincy said from his cage. (Which probably translated to something like "I couldn't agree more". ...Either that or "Tell your chest heavy friend to lay off the booze".)

Getting bored with just waiting around for her surrogate mother to return, Nel found a Sharpy and proceeded to color on Matsumoto's face. So enthralled was she in drawing whatever on her big boobied friend's face that she didn't notice _another_ bad guy sneaking up behind her.

"Gotcha!" he cried as he scooped up Nel, holding her with both arms so as not to allow her to use the pwnage Tatsuki taught her. "Now I can take you back to the Boss as a hostage and get a promotion!"

"Hey Cutie Pie!" Suddenly Isane was back, and she looked right pissed; she was practically snarling, one of her eyes were twitching (the left one), and was carrying what looked like a freaking chain gun that was ripped right of the side of a helicopter. "One of us is in _deeeep_ trouble..."

The soldier looked surprised to see the frightful medic standing there, then scared once he realized just how screwed he was for trying to take a mother bear's cub.

"Um, I can explain?" the dead meat weakly attempted to justify.

Any guesses for far it's gonna get him?

"RAAAAAH!" Isane bellowed, spinning up the the gun and unleashing a hail of bullets in an outline of the man holding Nel. "Now," she said dangerously, after letting the gun spin down, "do I need to push my luck with how accurate I've been with this thing?"

The soldier turned and ran for the hills.

"That's what I thought..." Isane let the big ass gun fall to the floor, rushing over to Nel (who appeared to be in a state of shock). "Are you OK, Sweetie?"

"Da...da...da...," Nel stuttered.

"Oh Nel..."

"Da...da...DAT WAS AWESOME!" she suddenly exploded, knocking Isane back a few feet in the process. The she leaped onto the frightful medic and tacklehugged her, "You were _thooooo_ cool Isane-chan; I think you might have even given Tatsuki-chan a wun for her money there."

"Thanks Honey," she said, hugging the little tyke back, "I'm just glad you're-"

"Hold dat tought," Nel said abruptly disengaging the hug to put the beat down on a soldier that was sneaking up behind Isane. "OK, dat's taken carwe of. Now what were you saying?"

"Um, I...see you've been practicing your Tatsuki-fu," she recovered weakly.

"Tee hee!~" Nel smiled and flashed the "V for victory" sign. "Actually dough, it's Nel-fu."

Meanwhile, back with everyone else...

"How many freaking more of these guys are there?" Ichigo wondered aloud, fighting off a bunch Balaclava'd mooks with machetes. "I must have killed at least fifty of these guys so far." He was back-to-back with Rukia, who was picking off anyone that Ichigo missed with her Glock.

"That few?" Tatsuki asked, firing both shotguns into the same target, "I lost count of how many I got somewhere over 9000."

"Frankly, I'd rather not be killing any of them," Yumichika pointed out somewhat tiredly, elegantly finishing off his own opponent, "I'm starting to work up a sweat."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Kiyone wondered.

"No, having your clothes sticking to you for hours until you can find yourself a shower? Oh yeah, that's _totally_ comfortable," he said sarcastically.

"Are they always like this?" Arnold asked. Ikkaku was running around the battlefield, shouting off stupid one liners that didn't make any sense.

"This is actually one of their slow days," Ichigo said, taking a breather before the next wave of goons. "They're much worse than this normally."

"_Schwarzenegger!"_

Everyone turned to see who shouted Arnold's name; standing on top of an upturned tank was a man about as big as Arnold, though not quite as beefy. He had dark hair, and a face that looked like it was in the middle of getting punched in. He also had a bandana tied around his head.

"That's not who I think it is," Rukia sweatdropped, "is it?"

"It is," Arnold said solemnly. "He is my ultimate nemesis, the only man in the universe who's existence I haven't been able to terminate; _Sylvester Stallone._.."

"_Come up here and face me, you sorry bastard! I'm gonna bring THE LAW! down on you for what you did to Adrian!"_

"I did nothing!" Arnold protested. "I do not even know who this 'Adrian' person is!" He turned to Ichigo and Rukia, "You'll have to excuse me, this is something I need to take care of."

"By all means," Ichigo said, happy to let the hulking Austrian take care of this one.

Also, all the other baddies suddenly disappeared.

"The [censor]? Where'd my target go?" Tatsuki exclaimed, "I was just about to plant one between his eyes!"

"And I was about tell mine to floss after every meal before whacking him on the head!" Ikkaku protested.

"Maybe you should just stick to being insensitive," Yumichika suggested, "At least you've had practice with that."

"_Fiiine..._" the chrome domed cop resigned. "Fruit loop..." he added under his breath.

"Do I even have to ask?" Kiyone said, clearly talking about how all the soldiers suddenly disappeared.

"Even if you did," Renji replied, "we're the wrong people you should be asking."

"Regardless, I am glad that I'm not getting any sweatier anymore," a slightly glistening Yumichika said, elegantly sheathing his sword.

"Hey is Arnold fighting Sylvester Stallone?" Tatsuki asked as Ichigo and Rukia joined up with them again. The two hulking beef boys were currently firing their respective machine guns at each other, none of the bullets meeting their marks despite being aimed directly at the other person.

"_Damn_, Rangiku's missing a good show!" Ikkaku marveled, now suddenly equipped lawn chair, popcorn, and a drink with a little umbrella in it. "This is better than that movie of hers!"

"I think this was _in_ that movie of hers," Kiyone realized.

"I'm surprised they haven't run out of bullet yet," Renji gaped. "They haven't even changed their cartridges!"

"Well they can't keep shooting at each other forever, can they?" Rukia optimistically pointed out.

Three hours later they were still shooting at each other.

"I guess they can..."

Suddenly, Stallone pulled a grenade off his bandolier, bit off the pin, and chucked it at Arnold. By sheer 1 in 1,000,000 odds one of the bullets struck the live grenade and it exploded, knocking both men back.

"_This isn't over yet Schwarzenegger!"_ Stallone called as he jumped onto a motorcycle and sped off, _"Let's settle this in Round 27!"_

"I'll finish you by the 2 count!" Arnold called back. He turned to the KPD, "I'll be back..." Then he jumped into a jeep and sped off after his nemesis.

"Did all that really just happen?" Rukia wondered aloud.

"I think all the discarded tanks and stuff can attest to that." Renji gestured to all the tanks and helicopters and other vehicles laying haphazardly along the street.

"Well," Tatsuki sighed, stretching her arms above her head, "I had a fun workout, I'm heading back inside now."

"Same here," Yumichika said, "I'd like to towel off before any of this sweat decides to dry out."

"[censor]dammit I missed all the fighting!"

Enter: Zaraki Kenpachi.

"What're you doing here?" Ichigo asked.

"My 'There's a huge fight' senses were tingling, but I in the middle of a fight with some shmuck who tried to con Yachiru out of her lunch money and didn't notice it until after I was done." He surveyed the scene around him, "I guess I pummeled that guy for longer than I thought..."

"They went thataway if you're still interested." Tatsuki pointed at the cloud of smoke in the distance.

"Thanks!" he said, tearing off after the two movie icons.

"I could really go for a beer too," Tatsuki said, "Might as well before Rangiku wakes up again and hogs them all to herself."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I can't believe I was unconscious for Ahnold's fight," Matsumoto said, now awake again. Yumichika had since cleansed himself of his sweat and everyone had some type of alcoholic beverage in their hands. (Mostly...; Rukia had flavored water and Nel had a juice box.) "And I fainted in front of him; I'm so embarrassed..." She took another swig from her bottle of 1942 red wine.

"It could be worse," Kiyone shrugged, "you could have made a complete ass of yourself in front of him to!"

"Um, thanks?"

"I still can't believe that both he _and_ Sylvester Stallone showed up," Ichigo mentioned. "Or that they're both mortal enemies."

"I can't believe it's not butter," Ikkaku said, holding up a tub of the offending spread.

"Nel can't believe she ate da hold thing..." Nel moaned, holding her tummy gingerly. There was a plate with black crumbs and traces of frosting on it next to her.

"That cake was supposed to be for later!" Isane exclaimed, looking like a certain Van Gogh painting.

"We could have these cookies instead," Rukia suggested, holding up a tin filled with chocolate ship cookies. "Ichigo got these the other day when he save Orihime from getting hit by a car."

"MINE!" Ikkaku shouted, leaping like a cat pouncing on a mouse towards the cookies.

"Rangiku gets first pick," Rukia said, swiping the tin out of the way at the last second, causing Ikkaku to crash to the floor. "After all, it's the least we could do after not liking the movie earlier."

"Are you sure these are edible?" Isane asked, eying the cookies wearily.

"Yeah, she said she got the recipe from the internet," Rukia explained.

"Whatever!" Matsumoto said, grabbing a cookie from the tin and inhaling it's heavenly aroma. She was just about to take a bite when-

BOOM!

"Put that cookie down!" Arnold yelled, bursting through the wall again. _"NOW!" _

"Not again!" Ichigo sighed, letting his head fall onto his desk, "Our insurance company is gonna _hate_ us..."

"Those cookies are laced with a deadly virus that will spread like wild fire until all the world is infected!" he explained, smacking the cookie out of Matsumoto's hand. "It's a good thing I came back when I did, or else you- Uh, what's wrong with her?"

Matsumoto was just staring at her hand hypnotically.

"Hey Big Boobies, you OK?" Nel said, giving Matsumoto's leg a comforting hug.

"Ahnold Schwarzenegger smacked the cookie out of my hand..." she drawled, somewhat emotionlessly.

"Don't worwy, I'm surwe he didn't weally mean it-"

"I'll never wash this hand again..." she breathed, her eyes sparkling.

Everyone fell over sideways.

"Well, my work here is done," Arnold said as he climbed back though the hole he made before.

Then he popped back in a second time, "Wait, I almost forgot..." He went back over to Matsumoto and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Then he left.

Matsumoto fainted again. This time though, it was accompanied by a steady tone from an EKG machine.

"Isane, what have we said about leaving your medical equipment lying around," Tatsuki chastised.

"And bring some Phoenix Downs back with you," Renji said, checking Matsumoto's pulse, "I think she died."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well that was fun, huh? Hope y'all enjoyed this little tribute to the man who gave us some of the most stupidly awesome one-liners in history. _

_And for all those Americans out there, Happy Independence Day! If you aren't American or don't celebrate the holiday, then Happy Ahnold Appreciation Day! (Get to the choppa!) _

_Also, I'm going to be starting a new arc soon, and I need y'alls help. Without giving too much away, this new arc is going to a bunch of the KPD (meaning Rukia, Ichigo, Tatsuki, Nel, Matsumoto, and Isane) traveling to different alternate universes, of for each of them. I already have something planned for Rukia, as well as the final world they all visit, but what kind of worlds do you think they should go to? Feel free to suggest stuff for each of the Idiots in Blue, or just one particular one that you have a REALLY good idea for. _

_Anyways, now that this little diversion is out of the way, let's get back to the main (mis)adventure. I won't spoil anything about the next chapter, but I will say that if you've seen a certain Disney movie, than the opening line is totally going to nail you. _


	66. Fun House with Scary Clowns

_Well, the last chapter was written like James Joyce again, so how about something completely different, eh? OK, it's not THAT different, but I bet you were wondering what prominent author all the early chapters were written like, huh? Well, even if you didn't I'm doing it anyway!_

_The first chapter of this story was written like David Foster Wallace. (Obligatory moment of silence, please.)_

_Well, enough with the sappy, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Why does he even _have_ that lever?" Ichigo exclaimed, trudging through a second doorway slopping wet; he turned around and kicked at a crocodile that had attached itself to his ankle, causing it to whimper and then scamper off.

"Yes!" Ikkaku cheered, "Twenty bucks, please!"

I should probably cut back to earlier and explain all this, shouldn't I?

It all started like like other day; the were KPD brawling about something or other, Yoruichi was chasing squirrels along a telephone wire, and Nemu the Melancholy Maid had asked everyone's favorite bumbling policemen to help her find her boss.

"He was working with his quantum turbo hydranginator/espresso maker when he asked me to get some espresso mix to run a test with; when I returned, he had vanished."

So of course (having nothing better to do) they offered to help find the unashamedly freaky pharmacist.

Which brings us to about where we jumped into this story.

"Here," Ichigo grunted, chucking the offending dollar bill at his bald comrade, "take your damn money!"

"Remind me why we're here again?" Rukia whimpered. (Psst! She still hasn't gotten over her fear of scary clowns yet.)

"Because our paychecks hinge on it," Kiyone explained, a little creeped out herself; since the last time she'd been there, 1313 Mockingbird Lane had fallen into even more disrepair than before, if that was even possible.

Isane was, of course, trying unsuccessfully to hide behind her notably smaller sister.

"I'm _definitely_ changing my supplier," Yumichika sighed in resignation, letting his head fall lightly into his hand. "Maybe I should see if Szayelaporro knows any good names..."

"Saya-who?" Nel asked, cocking her head.

"I apologize for my blunder," Nemu said, bowing in penance to a still damp Ichigo, "it's been a while since I've been in this room, and Master Kurotsuchi _insists_ on not labeling things..."

"It's not your fault," Rukia said, trying her best not to sound like she was shaking in her boots as she comforted the dour maid. Then something Nemu said hit her, _Did...did she just?..._

"Hey, I got twenty bucks out of the deal," Ikkaku said, "I ain't complaining!"

Tatsuki smacked him upside the head.

"KYAA!" Isane suddenly shrieked, jumping on top of her sister, "Something just crawled past my leg!"

"That was most likely one of the escaped vermin specimens from his failed radiation experiments a couple weeks ago." She paused. "They were rats originally."

Isane didn't calm down.

"What the frig, Sis?" Kiyone said, though it sounded more like "Wah fuh fwig, Fif?" because part of Isane's leg was covering her mouth.

"Um, Rukia-chan?" Nel asked, tugging on Rukia's pants leg.

"What is it Nel?"

"Were did Mithter Renji and Big Boobies go?":

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Renji: *peeved* Dammit Matsumoto! Why did you drag me after that, and I quote, "the cutest little ugly rat I've ever seen kawaii desu ne!~" with you? Now we're completely lost! _

_Matsumoto: Pipe down, would ya turkey head? I know exactly where we are. *takes gulp from bottle*_

_Renji: ...Care to share that little tidbit with the rest of the class? _

_Matsumoto: *eager* Sure! We're in Professor Kurotsuchi's house! _

_Renji: *headwalls* I think I'm gonna need some of that bottle of yours..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia looked around and noticed that her two comrades had indeed vanished.

"Ichigo?" She turned to her boyfriend, "Let's hold hands." She then latched onto his arm.

"Well," Kiyone said after she dislodged her sister from her person, "now that we know which lever _not_ to pull, we should keep looking for Mayuri, right?"

"Might as well," Tatsuki agreed, "fight club got canceled for this week anyways."

"You're in a fight club?" Ichigo asked.

"No," she said ominously, "I'm not."

"But you just-"

"_**No, I'm not."**_

_Diiiidn't_ really leave much room for argument, that.

"Very well then," Nemu moved to the other lever, "if you will all stand over here then we will proceed." As everyone gathered together in front of the doorway, Nemu reached out and grabbed the lever. "Please pay attention to the recordings."

Isane looked confused, "What record-"

And then Nemu pulled the lever.

Immediately the door fell forward and the floor sprung up, catapulting the incompetent cops forward and into a waiting car of some kind. It was rather small as well, so everyone was scrunched in really tight together.

"OK, who forgot to shower this morning?"

"I can't feel my ribs!"

"Move ovwer Bawdy!"

"How is this car not breaking?"

"Um, about that motion sickness..."

"Hey Ichigo, could you-"

"_Please remain seated, and keep you arms and legs in at all times,"_ a recording of Nemu's voice interrupted abruptly.

"What does she mean, 'keep your arms and legs in at all times'?" Isane asked worriedly.

"Maybe it's a metaphor," Kiyone suggested, "like we have to keep our souls from being led down the wrong path, you know?"

"It _highly_ doubt that," Ikkaku scoffed.

"Oh yeah?" the towheaded cop responded indignantly, "Well what's _your_ interpretation then?"

"I think it's something more like-"

Then the little car went from zero to "[censor]ing insane" in 0 seconds flat, racing down an unnaturally steep decline.

"_Something like this!"_ Ikkaku shouted over the roar of the wind screaming past them.

"_What?_" Nel shouted.

"_Why does he have a roller coaster in his house?"_ Isane asked. _"It doesn't make any sense!"_

"_I've been on worse rides,_" Tatsuki said, giving a non-committal shrug. The coaster car suddenly did a bunch of wild twists and turns.

"_This is going to ruin my wi-...hair!"_ Yumichika wailed, holding his hair down for all it was worth. (Which was about 49.50, according to the bill form his last styling.)

"_I think I'm gonna be sick..."_ Isane moaned, leaning out of the car. This proved to be a bad idea, as they suddenly passed by a bunch on clothes hung out to dry.

Meaning Isane's head ran into them.

Fortunately, the ride came to an abrupt stop a moment later, flinging it's occupants violently forward. When the finally got their bearings, they saw that they were all wearing enormously ill-fitting lab coats; most were about five sizes too thin, while others (like Rukia, Kiyone, and Nel) had coats that were comically oversized.

"My apologies," Dr. Kurotsuchi said, stepping out of the shadows, "the ride down has been a bit glitchy lately; it's the next thing on my To-Do list."

"KYAAAAAAAAH!" Rukia screamed, jumping like a scared cat (Yoruichi suddenly sneezed out of the blue, loosing her balance and falling off the telephone line.) out of the lab coat and into Ichigo's pocket. Nel peered inside after her.

"How doeth she fit in dere?" she wondered absently.

"May I what the occasion is for the visit?" he asked, looking at some phials he had displayed.

"Well, your maid was getting worried when she couldn't find you so she called us," Tatsuki explained. "Incidentally, why do you have a roller coaster that leads down to your basement?"

"And why do you have a clothesline next to it?" Yumichika wondered.

"Because having a staircase or even an elevator is kind of boring in all honesty," Mayuri said. He gave a small shrug, "I like my transitions to be fun."

At that moment, a trapdoor opened on the floor, spitting Renji and Matsumoto out of it. After hanging in the air for a moment they fell in a heap on the floor.

"Wait, weren't we falling _downwards_?" Matsumoto wondered as she kneaded her shoulder. "Why did we suddenly pop out of the floor?"

"You just _HAAAAD_ to push the shiny red button," Renji groaned, his busty comrade sitting on his back, "_didn't you_?"

"How was I supposed to know that was the trapdoor button?" she protested. "It's not like anything in this building is marked!"

"Preaching to the choir..." mumbled Nemu, having just appeared out of the blue.

"Eek!" Isane shrieked. She'd been been standing right in front of where the melancholy maid materialized.

"Master Kurotsuchi, could you please leave a note the next time you're going to disappear?"

"Where did you come from?" Kiyone demanded.

"I was searching the Master's main laboratory for some clues as to where he might be when the teleportocinator spontaneously activated," she explained. "The next thing I know I'm standing here and your large chested officer is saying how nothing here is ever labeled."

"I label things!" the freaky pharmacist protested. "I labeled you a useless dullard, didn't I?"

"You know that's not what I mean..." Nemu sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"_Maaaybe_ we should wet dese guyth talk it out alone..." Nel suggested, smelling a severe talking to about to happen.

"Seconded!" Rukia said, sticking her hand out of Ichigo's pocket slightly.

"I'd rather not have my hair damaged any more that it already is," Yumichika said sullenly.

"Are any of these bottles booze?" Matsumoto asked, turning to Dr. Kurotsuchi. She was still siting on Renji, by the way.

"I remember where everything is perfectly fine!" he shouted at Nemu, ignoring the busty policewoman, "I don't see why you can't do the same!"

"Because you're constantly moving things around from the last place I remember them," Nemu countered, keeping her cool while still sounding mad and a little tired, "not to mention all the reorganizing whenever one of your machines or samples blows up."

"Sounds good to me," Ichigo said, making for what looked like the exit.

"Yay..." Rukia cheered for inside her tiny sanctuary.

"Matsumoto," Renji said, "could you get off me now? My spine is starting to turn to jelly."

"I don't know...," she said uncertainly, "I'm kindacomfortable."

"Tatsuki?" Itching for something to do Tatsuki walked over and grabbed Mamories- I mean Matsumoto, and tossed her over her shoulder.

"Try one of my home made Rice Krispy treats on your way out!" Mayuri called to them as they walked out. To which, of course, they replied...

"HELL NO!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_So there you have it, a little larger look into Dr. Kurotsuchi's lab. Tune in next time for a cameo from ANOTHER FANFICTION. Don't worry, I asked the author first, it's all legal. _


	67. For the Pony!

_Hey y'all, Layman here, bringing you that intrafanfic cameo I mentioned last chapter. And before you get on my case YES, this is actually the chapter I promised you. _

_I can't tell you who they are, (you'll just have to read and find out yourselves), but let's just say that they're from a fic that was a great inspiration for mine. _

_Anyways, the last chapter was written like James Joyce, and Chapter 2 was written like Cory Doctorow. Refer back to previous chapters for info on them. _

_Well, enough of that jazz, on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

You're all human, right? And being human you probably get angry about things sometimes, right? Now, odds are you probably haven't gotten so righteously angry that you gathered a bunch of like-minded people together and marched up to what you were angry at, (picket signs raised high of course), and chained yourselves to it, not budging until thing changed your way. In fact, I'll bet money you haven't.

Well, neither have the KPD. But the protesters they were dealing with were.

"We will not stand for this any longer!" one of them yelled into a megaphone

"Won't stand! Won't stand!" the crowd chanted.

"We will protest this with all our might!"

"Protest! Protest!"

"We must obey the will of the almighty Pony!"

"Pony! Pony!"

You get the idea.

Naturally, our intrepid heroes soon arrive on the scene.

And by "intrepid heroes" I mean Rukia, Yumichika and Ikkaku.

"Are you sure the three of us will be enough for this?" Rukia asked, motioning to the large crowd assembled.

"Pfft!" Ikkaku scoffed, "I could take these bozos single handed!"

"Let's hope it doesn't come to that," Yumichika advised. He'd just gotten a mani/pedi and he didn't want his (not) hard earned coin to go to waste.

"HEY [censor]WADS!" Ikkaku yelled into a bullhorn of his own, "You guys got a permit for this _loitering_ you're doing?"

"We aren't loitering!" the apparent leader responded in kind. She pointed to the building behind her, "The government wants to tear down this scared breeding ground because it's 'environmentally unsafe' and put a community center in it's place!"

Rukia stared at the building indicated. For some reason it reminded her of Dr. Kurotsuchi's house (term used loosely); it wasn't nearly as decrepit, but it had definitely seen better days.

"The will of the Pony must be obeyed!"

This... threw them a bit for a loop.

"The...pony?" Yumichika asked, wondering if he'd heard correctly.

"The Pony! The Pony!" everyone chanted.

"Tch!" Ikkaku scoffed, "ponies aren't that special."

"..."

"He blasphemes!"

"Shun the blasphemer!"

"SHUUUUUUN!"

"So does that mean you'll leave now?" Rukia asked, hoping that it really would be that easy to end this.

A thoughtful pause.

"Stop shunning the blasphemer!"

"NOT SHUUUUUUNED!"

It wasn't.

"...Whatever," Yumichika said, not caring for the protesters' antics. "Look, if you don't knock this off we can easily bring you up on charges of disturbing the peace." Then he did a double take of what the protesters were wearing, "And crimes of fashion..."

All of them were wearing green slacks and turtlenecks.

"The followers of the Pony care not about paltry concepts like _fashion_," the leader shot back, "All that we care about is the fulfillment of our glorious mission! To protect the world from devastation, _to unite all peoples within our na_-"

"Question!" Rukia interjected, holding up her hand like she was in a classroom. "What is this pony you keep mentioning?"

"...a Pony."

"Pony! Pony!"

"We got that, _morons,_" Ikkaku exasperated, "What the hell does it look like?"

"Um," Rukia started, "that's not really what I-"

"It was really tall!"

"And really short!"

"With four legs!"

"And four arms!"

"And two heads!"

"And spiky hair!"

"Pink hair!"

This "pony" was starting to sound rather familiar.

"This...'pony', didn't happen to look really scary and and say how awesome 'Kenny' was, did it?" Michael Jacks- I mean Yumichika asked.

"_He knows the Pony!"_

"I'll take that as a yes..." he resigned. "OK, obvious follow-up question; _why_ do you think Zaraki and Yachiru are a pony?"

"The Pony told us!"

In case you haven't guessed it by now, these guys have a strange fixation on ponies. Or at least one pony in particular. Or people, considering...

"So..." Rukia began slowly, "you think Yachiru-chan and Zaraki are ponies-"

"A SINGLE PONY!"

"-a single pony because they told you they were a pony?"

The group conferred among themselves.

"The Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Greens From Mars Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** While Doing Da Macarena! agree with your assessment."

"The cowpeople what?" Rukia was a little surprised at the overly long title.

"The Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Greens From Mars Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** While Doing Da Macarena!," the Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Greens From Mars Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** While Doing Da Macarena! explained.

"...will you accept just 'the Greens'?" Rukia asked hopefully.

"I have another question," Yumichika interjected, "what's so special about this building anyway?"

"The Pony proclaims it!" the Greens shouted (in unison).

"But _why_ would the pony proclaim it?" Yumichika's delicate patience was beginning to wear.

"Because the Pony knows all!" the Greens all shouted.

"The Pony! The-!"

"Yeah yeah, 'the pony', we know," Ikkaku waved dismissively. He began pushing his way through the Greens, "I'm going see just what's so special about this stupid building..." He made his way to the front door and yanked it open...

And immediately slammed it closed again.

"You guys _sure_ you want to save this building?" he asked, a cocky grin that said "I just won this thing, bee-yah-tuh-chuh!" on his face.

"Absolutely!" they shouted (in unison).

"Well..." he said, suddenly wearing a WW2 style gas mask, "then take a look at this!" He yanked the door opened a second time, showing the Greens exactly what they were defending.

Namely, crap. Well, it might have been crap, but there were so many unholy looking plants (they might have been plants...) and other things that didn't look natural in this reality were growing this way and that so much that you couldn't really see what they were growing on. There were also many different weird and unnatural creatures scurrying around that looked like something that would crawl out of Dr. Kurotsuchi's lab.

Kind of like the KPD's upstairs bathroom now that I think about it...

The Greens just stared at it in morbid fascination, unable to tear their eyes away.

...That is until Ikkaku closed the door and snapped them out of their hazed stupor.

"It is now clear what we must do," the leader of the Greens reverently announced. "...BURN THIS MOTHER[censor]ING ABOMINATION TO THE MOTHER[censor]ING GROUND!"

"The ground! The ground!" the rest cried.

"We must not allow this unholy bastion of unspeakableness to remain standing for the good of mankind!"

"Mankind! Mankind!"

"The Pony will reward you greatly for this!"

"The Pony! The Pony!"

They suddenly had torches, by the way.

"The town's sure going to be happy about this," Yumichika remarked as the Greens began ripping into the building, "now they wont have spend any money on tearing it down themselves."

"I guess that's a good thing," Rukia remarked, just glad that they'd be heading back to the station without having to arrest the whole darn lot of them. Speaking of the station..., "I wonder what everyone else is doing?..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"_Guuuuuys!_" Matsumoto whined, draped dramatically top her desk, "We're out of Saké a_gaaaiiin!_"

"What the crap?" Renji shouted, "We just went grocery shopping the other day; how could we be out already?"

"It's _Rangiku_," Ichigo said, the "duh" in his voice positively dripping with palpability.

Renji realized the mistake he made in asking such a [censor]ing stupid question. "Oh, right..."

"_I_ could've told you that," Tatsuki said, not looking away from her computer. (She was watching the video of Renji getting his ass handed to him again.)

"Nee-chan, are you sure about this?" Kiyone asked timidly. She had her shirt rolled up, revealing a GINORMOUS! leech attached to her ribs. Isane was holding one of her sister's flamethrowers.

"...Yes?"

"YOU HESITATED!"

"Could you guyth keep it down?" Nel asked, leaning out from behind her easel. "I'm twying to capture da twue majesty of dis mountain wange."

"Aren't you just watching that white guy with the afro on the TV?" Renji asked.

Back with the Greens, Yumichika sneezed.

"...So?" the little tyke cleverly retorted, "It'th not like I can dwaw da mountains awound herwe, can I?"

"That's nice and all," Matsumoto said, "but I still don't have my_ Saké_!"

"You're just gonna have to wait for the next shopping trip Rangiku," Tatsuki admonished.

Matsumoto maturely responded by pouting and holding her breath.

Then Renji snuck up behind her and began tickling her. This caused the boozed up blonde to inadvertently roll into the Kotetsu sisters in her laughter, throwing off Isane's aim and causing her to shoot a jet of flames towards Tatsuki (Ironically, she still managed to singe the leech off her sister.). The flaming death missed the female Bruce Lee, though it did manage to utterly incinerate the newspaper she'd just picked up. (She was going to check the Snail Racing tables.) This in turn caused her last nerve to snap as she leaped at the idiots that dared get between her and her paper.

And just for laughs she grabbed Ichigo and chucked him at everyone before starting up the Daily Brouhaha in earnest.

"Gwownups..." Nel sighed, wishing her guardians acted a little more...adult, "Wight Qwincy?"

Quincy said nothing, instead choosing to resume running on his exercise wheel.

It squeaked.

"FALMETHROWERS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO THERE!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_No I'm not going to tell you who said that last line, I'll just leave it up to your little imaginations. _

_Anyways, not that much I can think to say here. The next chapter will be posted at the usual time, and I might have a new author to add to the list of people I write like. So until next time! (At the time of this posting the Greens had changed their name to The Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Greens From Mars Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** While NOT Doing Da Macarena!.) _

_Oh, and be sure to read Division Exchange Program; it's [censor]ing hilarious!_


	68. Jungles and Ultimate Beings

_OK, I'm kinda psyched about this one; I have a REEEAAALLLY big name to add to the "write like" list. *cue maniacal giggling*_

_You ready? *more maniacal giggling* _

_J. _

_R. _

_R. _

_Tolkien. _

_..._

_BOO! _

_YAH! _

_Alright, enough fanboying, on with the crack! _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

You ever wonder what the world would be like without bacon?

Terrible, right?

Well, that has absolutely nothing to do with the story today!

No, _we're_ going to be talking about the-

"WHO THE [censor] PUT MAKE UP ON ME WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!"

...or that, that works too.

"I have _nooooo_ idea what you're talking about~!" Ikkaku said in a sing-songy voice, a halo shining above his head. Or was it just the glint of sunlight?... Whatever, he was _clearly_ the culprit.

And Tatsuki's new target for the hour.

"Please don't fight," Isane pleaded, "I just vacuumed."

"And I just finished reorganizing my plate collection," Yumichika added, gesturing to his newly reorganized plate collection.

"Gay," Renji said.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Yumichika screamed, grabbing his blush palette and leaping at the Force's resident "red fern with racing stripes".

"Sorry 'bout that Isane," Tatsuki apologized, chucking Ikkaku out the front window. She then proceeded to walk briskly out the door to finish her business.

"Ichigo, do you ever think we need lives?" Rukia asked as the sounds of Ikkaku's pitiful squealing flowed in over the sounds of Renji and Yumichika's spat.

"Yes," he said from under his hat. He was bored and decided to count all the stitches in his police cap, "we _desperately_ need lives."

"You guyth could twy fighting cwime," Nel suggested, holding up the keys to one of the squad cars. "Orw Itsygo could take Rukia-neechan on anuver date."

"We tried that last week," he said, "but there's no crime here. And when we tried to go on a date afterwords everyone else just tagged along and made it impossible for us to do anything."

"I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I was dragged along against my will and that I was vehemently against the very idea in the first place," Isane interjected, raising her finger.

"And yet you still went around sanitizing every place you thought we were going to sit down in," Ichigo said, raising his own finger in counterpoint.

"You would too if you knew what you were sitting on!" the germophobic police medic protested.

"Not to mention all the other patron's seats too," Rukia added hesitantly.

For a moment, Isane had no defense against this.

"...you can't shame me," she said flatly.

"Hey guys," Tatsuki said as she re-entered the building, Ikkaku sufficiently pummeled for the moment. She was also without the hastily (and shoddily) applied makeup she had on before, "what's Nel doing over by the micro-climate?" During the little argument that ensued between Isane and the OTP of this story, Nel had just decided "Scwew it" and went to go and went to go poke the spatial anomaly in the south-southwest corner of the office.

Then everybody actually realized that Nel was playing over by the micro-climate.

In slow motion they all yelled "NOOO!" as they leaped towards the tiny tot to try and save her from the unpredictable enigma that was the micro-climate. It had already spat out a bunch of yahoos that had a strange fixation on capturing Rukia, plus a whole slew of other weird things that happened in and around and concerning it. Who knows what else it was capable of.

And you'd think with how slow they were going that they'd have noticed when Matsumoto walked right in front of them.

"Has anybody seen my- Oof!"

You'd think, wouldn't you?

Well, needless to say they all fell into the micro-climate, now in real time. All six of them: Rukia, Ichigo, Tatsuki, Isane, Matsumoto, and Nel. Kiyone was out shopping and was stuck in traffic, Ikkaku was still whimpering on the ground outside, and Renji and Yumichika were still embroiled in their catfight, so none of them even knew what had just happened and probably wouldn't for some time knowing how perceptive they usually are.

But we don't care about them right now, let's get back to the people in the micro-climate, shall we?

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia groaned as she slowly returned to consciousness, feeling a bit of a headache as she did. She tried opening her eyes, only to see a bunch of spots dancing before them.

It took her a minute to realize that the spots were using their arms and legs to dance.

"Eek!" she shrieked, hurriedly scurrying backwards. Now that she could get a better look at them she could see they were holding little tribal war spears.

"Get outta here!" Tatsuki suddenly bounded in, swinging a tree branch at the little multicolored spots. The spots chattered for a moment, then hurried off when Tatsuki tried stomping on them. "Yeah that's right! Run off, you little eyesores!" When they were gone she turned to Rukia, "You too?"

"Uh, yeah," she said, accepting the hand up her friend offered. "You mean there were more of those things?"

"Yeah, but they run off once you try and stomp on them," Tatsuki explained, scraping something yellow off the bottom of her boot, "they haven't bothered us since."

"Hey Tatsuki, wait up!" Rukia could see three large bodies and one tiny one running towards them. "Not all of us can run as fast as you can!"

"Rukia-neechan!" Nel called, rushing up to the diminutive policewoman.

"Nel...*huff huff*...wait...*huff*...for me...*huff huff*...oh _gawd!_" Isane panted, practically doubled over in exhaustion.

"How do kids have so much energy anyways?" Ichigo pondered, jogging along side the medic.

"Search me," Matsumoto shrugged, smacking her lips impatiently. "Geez, if we we're going to jump into the micro-climate you could have at least let me grab some saké first..."

"Trust me," Tatsuki said, "this wasn't planned."

"Where are we?" Rukia finally asked, taking stock of their surroundings. They were in some type jungle; humid, damp, and green in just about every direction. And that's not even mentioning all the noise from the unseen animals and whatnot.

Animals like mosquitoes, which had replaced the colored spots in the role of annoying the KPD.

"Have I mentioned I don't like bugs?" Isane shivered, hiding behind Nel.

"For once, I agree with you, Isane," Rukia concurred, hiding behind her boyfriend. (It was less pathetic then a grown woman squatting down behind a toddler, hint hint.)

"What I wouldn't give to have brought Tensa Zangetsu with me," Ichigo sighed, gabbing a stick to swat the bugs away with.

"I'm not worried," Tatsuki said, suddenly holding a shotgun by the pump menacingly.

"Um, Tatsuki?" Rukia peeked out from behind her valiant knight, "About that gun..."

"Oh, it's a little trick I learned from Erza," the female Bruce Lee explained, firing at one of the M.O.U.S's (Mosquitoes Of Unusual Size). "She does it all the time with swords."

"You mean like Big Boobies and herw bottles?" Nel asked as she high-kicked one of the bugs into the stratosphere.

"I doubt they're" *BANG!* "the same technique, but" *BANG!* "yeah, same idea." Tatsuki said, blasting bugs lazily. Not surprisingly, none of them got close.

"This place seems familiar..." Rangiku mused, pouring another glass of whiskey for her and the mosquito she was drinking with. "Eh," she shrugged, downing her coconut shell.

The mosquito sucked up his drink, then promptly collapsed on the ground next to her.

"_Begone, foul beings!"_ a booming voice rang out over the jungle. Not one half second later all the mosquitoes exploded in a big explody explosion of bug juices.

Everyone looked at Tatsuki.

"What?"

"Didn't you just?..." Rukia asked hesitantly.

"That wasn't mine," she explained, "not nearly enough carnage."

So they all stared at Nel instead.

"It wathn't Nel!" Nel protested.

"Well then who was it?" Matsumoto wondered, dumping out her glass of now ruined booze out. (Not even she wanted to drink mushy bug innards.)

"_It was I,"_ the voice said again, this time accompanied by a blinding light, _"the Guardian of Inter-dimensional Travel." _

"That's nice," Tatsuki said, holding her hand in front of her eyes. (Everyone else was also doing likewise.) "It'd be even nicer if our retinas weren't getting singed off..."

"_My apologies,"_ the voice apologized, _"it's been a while since anything intelligent came from beyond the worlds."_

As the light faded to a far lesser intensity the group began to see just what their new friend actually looked like; it turned out to be a young looking girl, possibly in her mid-teens. Her dark hair seemed to have a light, pastel purplish tint to it and was tied behind her head with a thin red ribbon. Her wide eyes were a rich amber color, and seemed to smile. She was also wearing a stunning white kimono that, while not as blinding as before, still had an ethereal glow about it.

"Hiya!~" she chirped. She had been floating before (though it was kind of hard to tell what with them being blinded by the light and all that), but now she was standing on the ground.

"Uh..., hi," Rukia said, taking the initiative and giving a small wave in return.

"Uh, not to sound rude or anything," Tatsuki interjected, "but who the hell are you?"

"My name's Senna," the girl said, unfazed, "and like I said before, I'm the guardian of Space and Time and whatnot."

"You'rwe pwetty," Nel announced.

"Hehe, thanks!~" Senna giggled, leaning down to pat Nel on the head, "And you're pretty cute yourself!"

Nel blushed and giggled herself.

"But didn't you just say you were the guardian of inter-dimensional travel before?" Isane asked, wondering if she missed something. "You also talked differently too."

"Oh that?" she shrugged, "Time/space, dimensions, same difference. As for why I sounded all formal and stuff before, well, that's just what happens when I activate my powers. Though what they don't tell you in Ultimate Being school is that it makes you itch in weird places after you use it." She then proceeded to shamelessly scratch her butt.

Out in the jungle, an animal cried out. (It sounded kind of like "SKREE-ZOOOOO!")

"So yeah, how'd you guys get here anyway?" she asked, her ass thoroughly scratched.

"Well, we kind of have this micro-climate in the corner of our building," Tatsuki explained, "and the six of us kind of fell into it."

"Twice," Matsumoto added, holding up two fingers.

"Really..." Senna rubbed her chin thoughtfully. Then, suddenly, recognition dawn in her eyes and she pointed emphatically at Matsumoto, "You were here before with a Pachinko ball, a monkey, a rooster, and Michael Jackson!"

Ichigo looked somewhat confused, so Rukia explained, "It happened before you came back."

"You know about that?" Isane asked.

"Yeah," Senna nodded, "I remember watching it on some old security footage when I first took over as guardian." She reached behind her back and pulled out an old looking film roll, "You guys could have it if you want, it's _really_ funny."

"So what exactly are you doing here?" Tatsuki asked, taking the film reel.

"Well, I figured you wouldn't want to stay out here for weeks before finding your way home, even before I recognized her." She began gathering radiant energy in her hands. "There are some _preeeetty_ scary kittens out here..." She closed her eyes and began chanting, "_Winds from the four directions, called by the seven masters, for the purpose of the five truths of all nations! Soul of the swallow, finch, and dragon, I command thee!_" When she opened her eyes again they glowed pure white, "_Klaatu burata N'ktto!"_

"Um," Isane motioned, raising her finger, "what are you do-"

She and the five others disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"It sure was nice to meet those guys," a now normal again Senna sighed, leaning back against a tree. Then a thought struck her, "Or was it 'soul of the swallow, finch, and _eagle'..."_

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

_Hehe, I just can't resist those left field cliffhangers, huh? Well don't worry, I have a lot planed for the next few chapters, so your wait will be worth it. In fact, I might as well tell youz guys that each of the KPD (not including Kiyone, Ikkaku, Renji, and Yumichika) are going to some weird and bizarre worlds before getting back to the station. _

_So, until next time..._


	69. In which there are bison

_Hey guys, the Layman here, bringing you another exciting chapter of-urk! *falls over unconscious*_

Loly: Geez, could this guy just get to the freaking point already?

Menoly: I know! It's like he just needs to get his kicks in first or something. Could he have any more of an inferiority complex?

Loly: Totally! Anyways, We're Loly and Menoly-

Menoly: Lesbians extraordinaire!

Loly: -and we think you people need more of us.

Menoly: As in more screen time, not actually more of us. (If you know what I mean...)

Loly: Exactly.

Menoly: So as of right now...

Both: We're highjacking this fanfic!

Loly: From now on it's going to be completely about us! Presenting...

**Q&A** (with Loly and Melony)

Chizuru: *from corner* And me!

Menoly: Um, _excuse me_?

Loly: Did we say you could _talk_ yet?

Chizuru: Um, no...but-

Menoly: Then shut the hell up _bitch_ before we get the goat back in here!

Chizuru: Yes Mistresses...

Loly: Sorry about the interruption; our little pet seems to think that foreplay _doesn't_ mean 'follow our orders or else'.

Menoly: But enough of that for now, let's this show on the road!

Loly: Sounds good to me. What should we do first?

Menoly: Each other?

Loly: Mm, tempting, but I was thinking more along the lines of answering some viewer mail.

Menoly: Really? Why's that?

Loly: Because our chapter made us look like a couple of overly horny sluts!

Menoly: But we are overly horny sluts.

Loly: I know, but the way this "Lame-man" guy told it you'd think it was a bad thing!

Menoly: ...Whatever. I'll go get the letters.

Loly: While my partner is doing that I'll explain how this is going to work; we're going to read your questions and answer them. Hopefully by doing this it'll clear up any misconceptions you might have developed after reading chapter 43.

Menoly: I've got the letters, let's do this bitch! Here's the first one...

"_Dear Loly and Menoly, where did you to meet? Signed, Interested party."_

Loly: Well, we met at a strip club. We both wanted to use the same pole to dance on and, well...

Menoly: We kinda got into a major cat fight over it.

Loly: And got _really_ horny afterwards.

Menoly: And we've been together ever since. Alright, next question.

"_How did you become Espada? Signed, Looking for Work."_

Loly: We saw this ad in the Hueco Mundo paper and thought the pay was good.

Menoly: Besides, with the state his mansion was in I could totally understand why Ulquiorra would want to get Rukia back.

Loly: And she didn't even call us the next morning!

Menoly: That _bitch_!

Loly: Next!

"_What is the strangest place you two have done it? Signed Really Awkward Weird."_

Both: ...there are strange places to do it?

Loly: I can't think of any place like that. Can you Menoly?

Menoly: None that I can think of. Anyways, let's see what the next one says.

"_Have you ever gone bowling just to slap the person next to you with those big goofy shoes? Signed, Likes Bowling."_

Loly: No, I can honestly say we've never done that.

Menoly: Besides, hitting them with the _bowling balls_ is _much_ more fun!

Loly: You could say that again! I remember this one time when this guy tried to hit on us while we were making out on the lane we were using...

Menoly: Yeah, his face after we smashed it with that ten pound ball was hilarious!

Loly: Good times...

Menoly: Next!

"_Have you ever kicked yourself in the face while trying to lick something off your knee? Signed, A Bit Clumsy." _

Loly: Man, these are some weird questions, huh?

Menoly: Yeah, I mean, who thinks of these things?

Loly: But in answer to the question no, I don't think I have.

Menoly: I might have. I think it was- No, it was the _other guy_ that got kicked while trying to lick my knee...

Loly: How come it's never _girls_ that do that to us? Why's it always just perverted guys?

Menoly: I know man, I know...

Loly: Anyways, let's do the next one.

"_What did you gals do before you joined the Espada? Signed, Out Job Hunting."_

Loly: Simple; each other.

Menoly: I think they mean what were our _jobs_ before we became Espada, Loly.

Loly: Oh. Well, I worked as a stewardess on an airline-

Menoly: And I was a animal handler at a zoo.

Loly: Though I think we made more money from moonlighting at that strip club we met at.

Menoly: This is true...

Loly: Anyways, here's the next question.

"_Any advice on how to spice up my relationship? Signed, In A Rut."_

Menoly: I there's one thing the two of us know...

Loly: It's how to make things _spicy_!

Both: *lick their thumbs and tap them to their hips, making a hissing noise as they do*

Menoly: So to heat things up again, what you want to do is** [The following explanation has been removed do to it containing content that degenerate reprobates would find disturbing, offensive, and just downright _wrong_. So for the sake of all your sanities, we're just skipping right to the end.]** and if the goat doesn't work, you could always try substituting it for a tuna.

Loly: And if all that doesn't work, well...sucks for you.

Menoly: Next!

"_Take your tops off! Signed, Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"_

Loly: Yeah- NO.

Menoly: We don't so that for just anyone.

Loly: Unless of course we're _really_ drunk.

Menoly: And only if it's a hot chick that asks us.

Loly: And if they're also drunk.

Menoly: As a skunk.

Loly: And have nice boobs.

Menoly: Next!

"_What would you be doing right now if you hadn't gotten killed? Signed, A Restless Ghost." _

Both: Each other.

Loly: Though come to think of it...what was the name of that chick Chizuru is always screaming?

Menoly: Wasn't it Orihime or something like that?

Loly: Yeah, that's her! _Damn_ she's got a nice rack!

Menoly: Mm _hm!_

Loly: Next!

"_Where did you guys get your eye-patch-monocle-things? Signed, Pirates Are In."_

Menoly: Would you believe we can't remember?

Loly: Yeah, we've had these things since before we met each other; I don't even remember why I got it in the first place.

Menoly: Me neither, but look what they can do! *lifts patch up and shoots laser beam that chocks Chizuru* Bark like a dog, slave!

Chizuru: *yips like a chihuahua*

Loly: But that's not all! *reaches behind patch and pulls out candy* They're also handy storage devices!

Menoly: Get yours today!

Loly: OK, what's next?

"_Can I glomp you? Signed, Can I Glomp You."_

Both: ...NO. Next!

"_I have a spastic colon, is there anything I can do to fix it? Signed, Running out of Toilet Paper." _

Menoly: ...

Loly: ...

Both: ...EEEWWW!

Menoly: This is _not_ that kind of question line!

Loly: If you want advice for _that_, try somewhere else.

Menoly: Alright now, let's see if one of these things is relatively normal...Ah! Here's one.

"_What were your childhoods like? Signed, Young at Heart._

Loly: Our childhoods? They were kinda boring actually.

Menoly: Yeah, all the two of us lead pretty boring lives until we each decided to rebel after highschool and became strippers.

Loly: Thus leading up to our eventual meeting.

Menoly: A match made in heaven if you ask me. *ravenously makes out with Loly*

Loly: *reciprocates*

Menoly: *twelve hours later, panting* _Hah..._OK, where were we?

"_When's the next album coming out? Signed, One Hit Wonder." _

Loly: OK, what are all these letter?

Menoly: And when did we suddenly become a girl band? I don't remember ever doing that.

Loly: I don't either. I think I'm going to have a few _violent_ words with the mail service.

Menoly: Ooh, speaking of mail...

Loly: You're right, this _is_ interesting...!

"_Dear Loly and Menoly. I'm a big fan and have been following your exploits for some time now-_

Menoly: This person sounds like a stalker.

Loly: Possibly, but let's make absolutely sure before we incinerate it.

"_...for some time now. You're just the coolest sexy mother[censor]ers I've ever seen! I want you to work me over so bad it takes me a year just to walk right again!"_

Menoly: Well, Lol-chan and I have been itching for a _manage é trois _lately...

Loly: Hold your horses there Tiger, let's see if this person meets our..."standards" first, 'K?

Menoly: *Sigh...* _Fine_, let's read more...

"_If either or both of you happen to be interested in a little "get together", then you'll be happy to know that I'm a single student at an all girl's school and it is boring as _heeeeell!_ I could _really_ use some..."companionship", if you know what I mean..."_

Loly: Done deal!

Menoly: Seconded!

"_My contact info is-"_

*paper bursts into flame*

Loly: What the hell!

Menoly: How did?-

*both girls get awashed in flames*

Both: Ow... *faints*

_Man! Sorry about that folk, they just sort of snuck up behind me there...Fortunately I was able to contact my good friend Roy Mustang and he was able to come help me out. _

_Now all I need is to find some chicks in tiny miniskirts to make things square with us..._

_Anyways, next time I promise it won't get hijacked by a couple of killed off bit characters. Just a nice, serious, chaos crack fest like normal._


	70. Didn't we go here already?

_OK, so we're going to visit a bunch of different Alternate Universes for each of the poor sods of the KPD that got dropped into this. Which one will we see first? Well...let's just say that it's "familiar"... _

_And while I'm on the subject...yeah, I broke down and did a Chapter 69 special. In hind sight, it probably would have been more clever to do a Shuhei Hisagi centric chapter (cause of his tattoo and everything), but the idea of _**those**_ two answering letter was just too good an idea to pass up. _

_Anyways, the last chapter was written like James Joyce. _

_And all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!", and I'll look down and whisper...ON WITH THE CRACK!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

As the smoke cleared around Rukia she saw that she was back in the KPD building.

Though...something was "off" about it. She couldn't put her finger on it, but it just didn't _feel_ exactly like the building she was used to.

"Why don't you people actually do some work for a change instead of just sitting on your asses all day?"

To start with, the fact that Matsumoto was sitting where Renji's desk usually was, she appeared to be in charge, and her shirt was buttoned up.

"Rangiku, do you _really_ have to be so loud when you talk?" Yumichika whined, his head in his hand, "I don't have any booze on me to make you quieter."

"And hopefully it'll stay that way." She flopped back down in her chair, letting her head fall back, "Why did I ever let you keep your flask in the first place?"

"Because his lawyers said you had to?" Tatsuki suggested, looking over the top of her compact. (She was applying more blush, FYI.)

"Thanks Tatsuki, _reeeaally_ helpful," Renji said sarcastically.

"No problem~!" she chirped. (Not the brightest fork in the shed, her.)

Matsumoto let her head thonk on the desk.

"Um," Rukia said awkwardly, holding up her finger.

"Yes Kuchiki," Matsumoto said tiredly, "you have something to add?"

"Not really," she said, "but, um...is it April Fool's day or something?"

"What do you mean?" Ikkaku wondered. He was reading the latest copy of Time magazine, but hearing his comrade acting slightly out of character made him look away from the article on famine relief in Africa.

"Well, it's just that..." Rukia gazed at the rest of the room; in addition to an in charge Matsumoto, hungover Yumichika, and an Ikkaku who didn't seem..."Ikkaku", Isane looked like she was trying to comfort her sister, who looked a bit "twitchy". Ichigo was looking rather pissy, and Renji looked like he was trying to get used to all this. (Kinda like she did initially.) Tatsuki was the most radically different of the bunch; she was wearing a skirt, first of all, and a rather fashionable one at that. She had a couple barrettes in her hair, and some hoop earrings in her ears. She had sparkling pink lipstick on her lips, and a light mascara around her eyes. And of course she was applying blush to her cheeks.

"Spit it out already!" Ichigo growled suddenly, causing Rukia to jump a bit. Ichigo was more...mean, than she remembered.

"It's just that you guys aren't acting like you normally do!" she blurted out.

Everyone stared at her dumbly.

"Are, like, you OK Rukia?" Tatsuki asked, "You're not yourself either."

"I'm not?"

"_Chyah!_ Normally you would've, like, ran to the bathroom or something by now." She gestured to the bathroom door with her applicator brush. "Where've _you_ been?"

"Guys," Renji interjected, "I don't think she's our Rukia."

"HUH?" Everyone gasped.

"Well for starers, look at her uniform." Rukia suddenly felt self conscious, "Aside from it being a totally different color than ours; her hat's a different style, she's wearing a skirt instead of pants like usual, and so far she hasn't made a single insensitive wisecrack since she spontaneously appeared here, not five hours after Rukia ran into the bathroom, and-"

Then it hit them.

And after it flew off, they realized that the person sitting before them _wasn't_ their Rukia.

"She's an alien!" Kiyone exclaimed suddenly. "I knew it; she's here to eat our brains!"

"Kiyone, she's not here to eat our brains," Isane admonished, massaging her screw-loose sister's shoulders, "alien's don't exist, remember?"

"So like, if you're not _our_ Rukia," Tatsuki deduced, "then who are you?"

"I'm still Rukia," Rukia said, "this must be some alternate dimension. That's kind of cool!"

I guess actually visiting an alternate dimension does sound pretty cool. Huh...

So she explained to the KPD counterparts about the dimension she was from, going into detail about her friends and the people she met.

"So I'm a lazy-ass, former prostitute who drinks a lot where you come from?" Matsumoto confirmed. "Bet she doesn't have as many migraines as I do..."

"And I'm the strongest woman in the world?" Tatsuki breathed. "_Bitchin!_"

"Well not really..." Rukia amended, "it's more like you can beat up almost everyone in the world."

"'Almost'?"

"There's a couple people who are still better than you."

"And I'm a doctor?" Isane wondered.

"You're the one who always patches us up at least..."

"And I'm...like _Tatsuki?_..." Yumichika shuddered. ("Hey!" Tatsuki scoffed.)

"Not...Really?..." Rukia sweatdropped, knowing she was stretching the truth a bit.

"I'm not too happy with my counterpart either," Ikkaku said, "he sounds like a bit of a douche."

Rukia sweatdropped and chuckled nervously; there wasn't really that much in that statement she could refute.

Just then the sound of flushing water was heard and the Rukia from this universe walked out of the bathroom.

"_Jeez..._that's the last time I have twenty burritos with extra sour cream for lunch; it does _nothing _I good for my digestive...track..." She noticed her double talking with the rest of her coworkers. "HOW ARE THERE TWO ME'S?" She cried, doing the Spazzy Wet Noodle Dance.

Then she fainted.

"Is she gonna be alright?" Rukia asked worriedly.

"Oh she'll be fine," Matsumoto waved it off, "everyone always is after an hour or so." She opened a draw on her desk and took out a bunch of papers, "Now before we continue there are some forms you need to fill out if you're going to be staying in this dimension for a while."

"What kind of forms?" she asked, taking the papers.

"Well there's the Immigration form, the New Arrivals from, the Dimensional Transit form, the Change of Address form, the Temporary Residency form, the Potentially Permanent Residency form, the Next of Kin Notification, the Getting to Know You form, the What Allergies You Have form, the-"

"For [censor]'s sake Matsumoto nobody [censor]ing cares!" Ichigo shouted, startling everyone out of their seats. (And making Yumichika moan in pain.)

Rukia also went slightly bug-eyed.

"Kiyone," Isane said to her sister, "that outburst scared me too, but could you _please_ get off my head?"

"Pardon me," a voice suddenly said from behind everyone. They all turned around and saw a man in a white doctor's coat standing there. He was also wearing a stethoscope, a rather fashionable pair of prescription glasses, and had weird blue hair, "but I noticed that there was about five pounds of string sitting outside the front door and I was wondering who's it was."

"Rukia's," everyone but original Rukia said, pointing at the unconscious Rukia on the floor.

While they were doing that Original Rukia (Cause I don't feel thinking up a more clever way of differentiating between them) stared at the man, his identity _just_ on the tip of her tongue.

"...Professor Kurotsuchi?"

"Actually it's 'Doctor'," Doctor Kurotsuchi said, doing a double take, "And I assume you're not the Rukia from this universe, are you?"

"But where's all your makeup, and your weird sideways pointy nurse's cap, ...the general feeling of unimaginable terror I get when I see you suddenly appear?"

"You must be referring to Professor Unohana," Dr. Kurotsuchi said, "She's most likely this universe's equivalent of your universe's me."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Professor Unohana: NYAHAHAHA! Now that I've fixed the mercury flow in the EU3-Zed unit on my Thermo-Neural Cheesegraterinator, my Romano cheese can finally be grated properly over my microwave spaghetti! _

_Nemu: *the same as in the other universe* Of course Master Unohana. _

_Porf. Unohana: By the way, you haven't seen my plans to build a Teleportocinator around here have you? I remember leaving them on top of the Interocitor earlier..._

_Nemu: I believe I saw the mutant chipmunk gnawing on them earlier. _

_Prof Unohana: *rushing off to the mutant chipmunk cage* Bobo don't eat Mommy's plans; eat those Court Summons I gave you if you're that hungry!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I was just there earlier. She seemed..._flustered _for some reason..." He focused on Original Rukia again, "I assume you want to get back to your home dimension?"

Rukia nodded.

"If you'd like I could put in a good word with Professor Unohana and see if she could spare one of her Dimensional Transportocinators," he offered, extending his hand.

"Thanks a lot," Rukia said, completing the handshake. "I just hope I survive long enough in this dimension so I _can_ get back."

"Well have fun with that," Tatsuki chirped as she grabbed her purse, heading for the door, "I have a date with my girlfriend that's sounds like it would be more...'_interesting'_ than this is."

"Just make sure to warn us before coming back through the front door," Matsumoto hastily warned the KPD's diva, "Kiyone didn't get her blindfold on fast enough last time."

Kiyone shuddered violently.

"You have a girlfriend?" Rukia gasped. Despite all the strange things she encountered and experienced since joining the KPD, _this_ took her by surprise the most.

"Chyah! She's a lot of fun and I really love her; her name's Chizuru."

Rukia fainted dead away.

"Like...Other Rukia, you OK?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, to be honest, even I'd faint if someone told me news like that as well. _

_Kinda makes me glad me glad I didn't include her in this chapter, huh? _

_Anyways, it's on to the next world and whatever awaits whoever happens to be unlucky enough to be in it. And the winner is..._


	71. Back at the ranch

_...No one. I'm sorry, but I just could think up any interesting world, as hard as I tried. Still, any chapter of Cold Fuzz is better than no chapter of Cold fuzz, am I right? _

_And while I've got your attention, what is up with the Urahara Shoten, huh? That place never gets any customers (aside from the occasional visit by the KPD), and yet it never closes down! HOW DOES THAT WORK? Is he secretly loaded and just does the store thing for kicks? _

_Anyways, the last chapter was written like Cory Doctorow, author of Little Brother and co-editor of the web blog BoingBoing. _

_So let's not waste any more time gabbing, on with the crack!_

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... (Or at least the original KPD building...)

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

"No, you're a dick!"

...Could be heard coming from the building as Kiyone pulled up, her car full of groceries.

"The hell is going on in there?" she wondered, grabbing the bags from behind her. As she neared the front door she saw Ikkaku still crumpled on the ground. "Probably something involving Tatsuki," she reasoned, recognizing the handiwork. She ignored him for the moment, intent on getting all the Ice-cream into the freezer before it melts. She hesitated opening the door, fearing what she would walk into, but with the Ice-cream at stake she screwed up her courage and took the plunge.

Renji and Yumichika were having a sissy slap fight, yelling "No, you're a dick!" at each other.

"I'm back," Kiyone announced, making her way to the kitchen. She noticed that they were the only other people within eyesight, "Where's everyone else?"

"No idea," Renji answered, "I've been too busy with Plate-boy here to notice anything else."

"This coming from the guy who still likes Chappy?" Yumichika shot back.

"And how many straight guys do you actually know what make up brings out their eyes?"

"Yeah, well at least my eyebrows don't look like they need hedge trimmers!"

"Prima-dona!"

"Furry!"

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked, complementing Kiyone's massive sweatdrop. "Yeah...I'm just gonna put the Ice-cream away..."

"Ice-cream?" Renji suddenly perked up, punching Yumichika away. "You remembered to get my Super Fudge Ripple Extreme right?"

"I got everyone's favorite flavor," she said as she chucked the cartons of creamy frozen goodness into the icebox. "Even Yumichika's nasty tofu stuff."

"It's _organic!_" Yumichika clarified, rubbing his cheek tenderly. He hoped to whatever God actually existed that there wouldn't be a bruise.

"Organic, crap, same thing," Kiyone shrugged indifferently. "So what did Ikkaku do to Tatsuki this time?"

"Something really stupid," Renji said as he searched for a spoon. "He put make up on her while she was taking a catnap."

On the roof of the Urahara Shoten #1, Yoruichi sneezed.

And back at the KPD, Kiyone shuddered in fright, imagining what had transpired.

"Is Tatsuki still there?" Ikkaku asked meekly. Actually, it was really just Ikkaku's hand barely sticking through the door.

"Nah, she and everyone else stepped out a little while ago I think," Renji said. He'd since found a spoon and was digging into his delicious frozen treat. "Didn't really notice cause I was too busy kicking Plate-boy's ass-" An applicator brush hit him square between the eyes. "THE HELL YUMICHIKA?!"

Yumichika was sitting with his legs crossed, filing his his nails nonchalantly.

"Hmm?" Yumichika glanced over like nothing was wrong. "Someone throwing stuff again?"

However, thankfully before violence could escalate again, the telephone rang.

"Hello?" Ikkaku asked weakly. "Oh, Uarhara, wahzup? ...Really? No kidding. ...23 huh? ...It was really that big? ...But wouldn't that hurt? ...Limited Edition? Cool. ...The same thing last Tuesday, huh? ...I have three of those! ...No problem, we'll be right over! ...Later!" He hung up the phone.

"What does Urahara want now?" Kiyone asked.

"He said there was a disturbance at his second store, something about a pest problem." Ikkaku (now newly energized) ran over ho the wall and grabbed his favorite wooden sword, "A little of the old Ultraviolence is just what I need right about now!"

"Seems better than sitting around here getting fat on frozen dairy products," Yumichika consented, making towards the door himself with his cricket, "though I'd rather not have to do any actual fighting."

"What, afraid you might break a nail?" Kiyone asked in a joking manner.

Yumichika just stared at her blankly for thirty seconds, then turned and headed out the front door.

"Oh..." she said, answering her own unasked question.

For those of you wondering, the question was-

"How could he go for being so indifferent to so sensitive so quickly?" Renji asked.

"Well," Ikkaku said, his sword neatly tucked into his belt, "you know what they say about women on their per-"

A safe flew out of the micro-climate and smacked him right in the kisser.

"Why me...?" he mumbled from under the safe.

"Well," Kiyone shrugged, "let's go see what kind of pests Urahara found this time."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The Urahara Shoten #2 was under attack by rats wielding invisible AK-47's.

"Maybe we should have brought Quincy with us," Kiyone suggested, "you know, to talk with the rats for us?"

"How do we even know he could talk with the rats?" Renji asked. "I mean, wouldn't they both have different dialects or something?"

"Look," Yumichika interjected, "it's no use worrying about whether Quincy and the rats will understand each other; it's _obvious_ that they're never going to even let us get close enough to parley." He turned back to the blockaded storefront, "I've been watching them for a while; take a look at what happens when something gets ten feet from their line."

The rest of them looked where Yumichika indicated, finding a squirrel creeping towards the threshold in front of the store. There was a nut 9 feet, 11 inches away from the storefront, presumably the squirrel's destination.

"Aww~!" went Kiyone, "he's ador-"

An RPG vaporized the squirrel just as it grabbed the nut.

"...Ih...," Kiyone twitched.

"Too bad we don't have easy access to Firecracker pocky," Renji mused, "and we're all out of normal Flash/Bangs cause of what Tatsuki did with them the other day."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Isane: I still don't think this is an entirely sound idea you're doing Tatsuki; I mean, just the possibility of you going blind from this _alone_ is enough for me to force you to stop this. _

_Tatsuki: *sitting back in lawn chair, a rifle in one hand and a beer in the other* Two problems with that; one is that you think you'll be able to stop me from doing this, and the other is that you think I'll go blind. *gestures to sunglasses* I'm wearing Aviators. Now... *Tatsuki loads a Flash/Bang into a pitching machine* Fire one! *the launcher sends the grenade flying. Tatsuki takes aim with her rifle and fires*_

_Hanatarou: *is laden with bandages, looking at sunset out of his hospital window* At least I can still appreciate the sunset with my still functioning eyes... _

_*Flash/Bang explodes next to window* _

_Hanatarou: *is blinded* That [censor]ing figures... *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Still not sure why Unohana-sensei got a restraining order on us against ever doing it again though..."

"Regardless, we still need to figure out some way to circumvent the rat barricade," Yumichika said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "There must be something that we're missing..."

"Well, I'm going back and getting our weapons," Renji said, jogging back to the police car, "you guys stay here and make sure they don't arm a nuclear bomb or something!"

"You know," Ikkaku suggested, "we could always try the Jenkins Maneuver."

"Wasn't that proved to be ineffective recently?" Kiyone asked.

"Here's a thought," Yumichika announced, "why don't we get our trained primate to climb one of the trees next to the store, open a skylight, and toss a gas grenade in once Renji gets back.?"

"But we don't have a trained primate," Kiyone pointed out, looking confused.

Yumichika just raised a knowing eyebrow at her.

"I AM NOT A MONKEY!"

"Um, guys?" Ikkaku said, "Do you hear something whistling?" Kiyone and Yumichika both turned to Ikkaku, their cat fight momentarily forgotten. They both heard the whistling sound too, though neither could really tell where it was coming from.

Suddenly there was a small flash of light in the distance. The three of them focused on it, and they could see a tiny black speck where the light was.

"Is it...getting bigger?" Kiyone wondered, tilting her head slightly.

"I'd say it's more like it's getting closer," Yumichika corrected.

And indeed it was. In fact, it was getting drastically closer.

Like, on a collision course.

"Duck!" Kiyone shrieked, dropping to the ground as fast as she could.

Then she reached and pulled Dumb and Prettier down just as the Unidentified Collision Course Object flew over their heads and smashed into the the barricade they were hiding behi- Uh, I mean, "using".

"That was a close one," Yumichika sighed, gazing in disgust at the gooey remains dripping down the barricade, "who knows what foul substance might have profaned this godly visage." He beautifully ran his fingers through his hair.

"Is it just me," Ikkaku said as he continued to stare at the goop, "or is that stuff starting to spell words?"

Sure enough the goop was beginning to form letters as it dripped.

"'Hey guys, just thought you should know that I think the rats might have gotten into my secret stash of light mutagen, so there's a slight possibility that they won't be as easy to get rid of. The good news, however, is that the mutagen has a little side effect that makes whatever is mutates allergic to jellybeans. Don't know if it'll help or not, just thought you should know. By the way, you're paying for any collateral damages. Peace in the Middle East, Kisuke Urahara.'" Yumichika read. "He does realize that we're not made of money, right?"

"Regardless, we should probably call Renji and tell him to pick up some Jellybeans on his way back," Kiyone said sighing. "I bet the others are having a better time than us..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_ARE the others having a better time than these shmucks? Well, tune in next time to find out! _

_In the mean time, go check out my new story Elfen MENT, a lampoon of the anime Elfen Lied. _


	72. Halloween Drinking Party The Second! Pt1

_So I was thinking about what to do for the month of October and I remembered a particular episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I won't spoil that chapter by telling you what the episode was about, but that particular episode also took place on Halloween, so it has something to do with that. _

_Also, it's time for another Major Geek-out Moment! The last chapter was written like Charles dickens again! I wonder what other paragons of literature I'll eventually write like?_

_Not much else to say expect to grab your Pixie Stix (Love those things!) and on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Banzai!" everyone cheered, clinking their glasses (and in one case a juice box) together.

Yes folks, it's that time of the years again, the KPD's Annual (Brownie free) Halloween Drinking Party!

...It's different from their normal drinking parties because they wear costumes for this one. Come to think of it, they _haven't _a good drinking party in a while, have they? I'd say they're about due.

"AH!" Sexy French Maid Matsumoto sighed, "Nothing beats the taste of good old fashioned beer!" She paused. "And bourbon, and whiskey, and red wine, and _white_ wine, and gin, and vodka, and scotch, and saké..."

"Damn straight!" Tatsuki agreed, wearing scruffy jeans, a denim vest with frayed sleeves, and a fake beard.

She was Chuck Norris.

"Nel wishes _she _could join you guyth..." Holstein Cow Nel sighed dejectedly. "Dese juice boxes are getting kinda bowing..."

"Well so long as a single molecule of mine exists on this earth then not a single drop of alcohol will ever touch your lips as long as a live~!" Isane smile sweetly through her hockey mask. She also had a fake chainsaw strapped to her back.

"Don't worry Kid," Fabio Ikkaku (he couldn't think of any other costumes that had hair that gorgeous) whispered to the tiny farm animal, "I'll slip you something later when Isane's passed-"

Ikkaku heard the sound of a chainsaw being revved behind him.

"Wasn't that chainsaw made out of cardboard?" 80's Rukia wondered, sitting on Assassin's Creed Ichigo's lap. "How is she able to rev it like that?"

"I stopped asking questions like that a _looooong_ time ago...," Ichigo said, taking another sip of his own drink.

"You _reeeaaally_ need to lighten up about these things, sis," Elvis Kiyone said, shaking her head. (Isane was bonking Ikkaku on the head with her cardboard chainsaw.)

"This is why I loathe having these events like these," Samurai Yumichika said depressingly, taking an elegant sip of his fine wine. "I honest don't know why I put up with all this..."

"It's not all bad," Rukia consoled him, petting His Honor Judge Quincy, "at least we're not overworked trying to stop a city overrun with crime."

"Or have to fight evil spirits who eat people's souls as supernatural Samurai warriors, *hic!*," Matsumoto added.

Yumichika's British Exploder cricket chirped.

"What?"

"Yeah Musashi," Ikkaku said woozily, Isane brushing her hands off, "live a little..."

"I'm just glad we instituted that 'no brownies during these things' policy," Tatsuki said, "cause I for one don't want to _ever_ go through _that_ again."

"Yup," Ichigo agreed, stretching his arms behind his head, "just a..._relatively quiet_ evening this year..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Nemu!" Mayuri Kurotsuchi called, attempting to summon his maid without actually moving himself, "You useless dullard, why do you always do this whenever I'm in the middle of a-"

"You called?"

"Ah!" he cried as his melancholy maid suddenly appeared behind him. _So that's what it feels like..._ "Where were you? I was calling you for five whole minutes!"

"I was making sure specimens 7 – 29 for your semi-lethal radiation experiment survived like you requested," she explained in her normal monotone. "They didn't, by the way."

"Well, forget about that for a moment and go stand by that ridiculously oversized breaker switch over there," he instructed, pointing at the indicated switch. "When I say throw it, throw it."

"Of course," she said as she went to comply with her master's command. Mayuri himself went over to one of his various "Ocinators" and began pushing the randomly beeping and colorful buttons.

"Throw it!" he called after a minute, pushing a large button of his own on the console. Nemu threw the switch, which sparked like nobody's business before suddenly calming down to nothing.

"...May I ask what the purpose of this experiment was?" Nemu asked.

"No clue," he said, "but let's wait a while and see what happens..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Did any of you guys feel something just now?" Rukia asked, adjusting her 80's style hair. (You know, the kind with the bangs three miles high?) "Like...some kind of tingly feeling..."

"Can't say that I have," Tatsuki said, stroking her beard. Was it Rukia's imagination, or was Tatsuki even _more_ muscled than she usually was?

"Me neither," Matsumoto shrugged, dusting something on her desk with an old fashioned feather duster that she didn't have a minute ago.

Isane shrugged as well, but didn't accompany it with a comment.

"You guys sure? Cause I could have _sworn_ I just felt something..."

"It's probably nothing," Ikkaku said with a swish of his hair, "just relax and enjoy the evening..."

"If anything happens Rukia-dono," Yumichika said, "you have my word of honor it will be dealt with." He then sheathed his sword, which he'd just taken out to sharpen.

He was still graceful when he did it, but there was something more..."professional" about the way he did it.

In fact, all of them were acting a little bit off; Matsumoto seemed to have developed a fascination for dusting (normally Isane's job), and Isane was being abnormally silent, content with just standing around and admiring her cardboard chainsaw. Kiyone was doing Elvis poses off to the side, and Ikkaku was flipping his hair _way_ too much for a straight guy. Renji, who was a Heavy Metal Rock Star this year, was Air Guitaring to a copious degree, and Yumichika wasn't as prissy as he usually was. Nel was coloring like usual, and Ichigo was picking at some M&M's, so they were normal, but everyone else was...off.

She was realizing this a lot lately, huh?

Weird...

Anyways, to test this theory she took some papers off whatever desk she was closest to (Kiyone's, to whom it may concern), crumbled them up, and let them scatter across the floor. "Oh no," she announced offhandedly, "there seems to be some trash on the floor here."

"Goodness!" Matsumoto exclaimed, "How _unsightly!_" She sauntered over holding a smell dustpan and broom (When had she switched them out with her feather duster?) and swept the papers up, depositing them in the nearest trash receptacle she could find.

"Thanks Rangiku," Rukia said before turning to Jason Isane. "Now no one will accidentally trip over them and break their neck when they fall, right Isane?"

Isane just grunted.

"Uh..." Rukia said, not quite sure how to take the grunt. Then her eyes landed on Renji, "So Renji, uh...Chappy?"

"You mean DEATH METAL CHAPPY!" he corrected loudly, holding up a little Chappy figurine; it was dressed in black leather and tons of spikes, with a wild mane of long black hair and its face painted like a skull.

One of its hands was raising in the "Rock!" sign. (Devil Horns for all you fans of the late Ronnie James Dio.)

Rukia's eye twitched at the sight of Chappy looking like...not Chappy.

"Right, sure...Ichigo, can I talk to you for a second?"

Ichigo looked up from his M&Ms, "What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure; it could be nothing, but..." She paused for a moment, rubbing her arm nervously. "Could we go into the kitchen?"

"Sure," he said as he got out of his chair. "Nel, make sure these guys don't get into _too_ much trouble?"

"Sure ting, Itsygo!" Nel cheered, giving him an official looking salute. Then she resumed her coloring.

When they were in the kitchen (Kiyone tried to get them to sing karaoke when they passed her) Ichigo pulled up another chair and sat down. "So what do you want to tell me?" he asked. "...You're not pregnant again, are you?"

"No, I'm not," she said, "it's about everyone else." She searched for a way to manifest her thoughts, "Are they acting weird..._er_ than normal?"

"That's a tough question," Ichigo hissed, "...Could you be more specific?"

Before Rukia could answer Nel came in, the Cowbell on her costume clanging.

"What is it Nel?"

"Um, doeth Ikkaku usu'lly take his shirt off when he dances on tables?" the tiny tot asked, tilting her head to the side.

"_Aaaaaand_ that's our cue to get out of here," Ichigo said, making for the back door. "Come on ladies," he said as he took Nel's hand (hoof), "Why don't we go Trick-or-Treating? It's gotta be better than whatever the guys in there are doing."

"I agree," Rukia said, "just something a little something _normal_ to take a break from all the insanity that usually goes on around here.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The minute the three of them stepped onto the main road they were met with Panic and Suffering.

"The name's Panic," a little imp said at Ichigo's feet, "Pleasure to meet you!"

"And I'm Suffering," the second imp said, "Panic's partner in crime!"

"Yeah, sure...," Ichigo said offhandedly as he, Rukia and Nel stared at the general pandemonium happening around the town; tons of kids (and a few adults) were running around, firing laser blasts, magic spells, flying, crawling up the side of buildings, and just doing a whole bunch of other stuff that shouldn't be possible for normal humans.

"Dis didn't happen last yearw, did it?" Nel asked.

"I'm pretty sure it didn't," Rukia said. "Then again, we were all high on demon brownies last year so I really can't vouch anything that happen then."

"All I remember from that night was turning into an evil dictator with purple eyes who ended up ruling the world," Ichigo mused. "Which is weird, because I always thought I was more of a kickass samurai with supernatural powers, especially considering that I have Tensa Zangetsu."

"Dey werwe acting like dis inside too!" Nel said, staring at some kid who was jumping around, shouting "Believe it!" at whoever he happened to be near at the time. He was followed by a girl a little older than Nel _pirouetting _and _grande jetteing _after him.

"Hey there..." a creepy man in a long trenchcoat suddenly said from behind them, "Wanna buy a _Sundial?_" He threw open his coat, revealing various travel sized sundials hanging from the lining.

"Uh...we're good," Rukia said uncertainly, somewhat confused as to why someone would be illegally peddling sundials.

"_Nyaaaaaaan~!"_ came form further down the street.

"Dat sounded wike Other Big Boobies!" Nel exclaimed. "Dah one with dah long bwown hair."

"You mean Orihime?" Rukia asked.

"Oh great," Ichigo sighed, "Orihime's gone and got herself cornered by some gangbangers again..." He shuffled of in the direction of the scream, "Come on, let's go help her."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"And don't come back again!" Ichigo shouted as the gangbangers ran off. "You OK there Orihime?"

Orihime was in a heap on the ground, rubbing the back of her head sheepishly.

She was dressed in a Sexy Neko outfit by the way.

"Sorry Ichigo," she apologized, "I thought if I took a shortcut through this creepy looking alleyway I could make it back home before sunrise, nya~."

"'_Nya'?_" Rukia wondered. _Well, she is a cat for Halloween..._

"It's what we do," Ichigo said casually, "though stick to the main road from now on, got it?"

"Nyep~!" Orihime mewed, "Mew have nothing to worry about, nya~!"

"Istygo?" Nel asked, "Miss Other Big Boobies is acting weally like a cat, isn't she?"

"Kinda..."

Rukia was noticing it too; even taking the costume into consideration the bubbly brunette was getting more into it than normal.

That and the fact that she was nuzzling up against Ichigo's leg, purring as Nel stroked the fur on her back.

"She'th soft," the tiny tot commented.

"Ichigo, I have a theory about why everyone's acting weird...er," Rukia said as Orihime curled up to take a cat nap, "It has to do with a certain scary clown."

"I was thinking the same thing," Ichigo said, gingerly trying to step away from Orihime without waking her. He pulled out his cellphone, "Better call the guys and have them pick her up so any other punks won't take the chance to have a good time with her while she's like this; besides, Tatsuki would kill me if I left her alone like this."

"I believe it," Rukia sweatdropped.

"_Hello?"_ Matsumoto said on the other end of the phone, _"who may I ask is calling?"_

"You know who I am Rangiku, could you possibly ask someone to come and pick up Orihime? She's a little...right now."

"_I don't quite understand, what does '…' mean-"_

"_Gimme dat phone!"_ a new voice chimed in. (And by "chimed", we mean forced.) _"Don't you move your ass anywhere Kurosaki, I'll be there in a minute!"_

With that she hung up the phone, leaving only a dial tone beeping in his ear.

"Well, Tatsuki said she'd be here soon," he announced, "so we might as well hunker down and-"

CCRRAASSHH!

"The [censor]?!" Ichigo gasped as the wall next to him exploded.

"EEK!" Rukia and Nel shrieked.

"MROWR!" Orihime yowled, leaping onto a nearby dumpster and arching her back.

"Sorry I took so long," Tatsuki said, blowing some smoke off her fist, "the traffic was a bitch."

_to be continued..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Aaaaaand that's where we're going to stop for now. Next time we'll see the conclusion of this little misadventure...and possibly even a wardrobe malfunction! _

_...OK, I'm lying about the wardrobe malfunction. But maybe we'll see some more Costumes Gone Awry instead!_


	73. Halloween Drinking Party The Second! Pt2

_And we're back! So let's get these pesky formalities out of the way so y'all can gets to the new chapter! _

_The last chapter was written like William Gibson, a Sci-Fi (not "Sy-Fy", that's just stupid) author known for Neuromancer and other books._

_Anyways, Happy All Hallows Eve, and on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"How did you...?" Ichigo stammered, pointing blankly between Tatsuki and the wall (which now sported an impressive hole in it).

"I just punched a hole in the Space/Time Continuum," she explained, "_duh!_"

"Since when werwe you able ta do that?" Nel asked, staring amazed at her Sensei. In all her secret training sessions she hadn't seen Tatsuki do _that_.

"Since forever, along with slamming revolving doors, boiling water with my rage, and counting to infinity!" She held up two fingers, "_Twice_. Did I mention that I'm also the reason why Waldo is hiding?"

"I'm not sure how," Rukia said, "but I think I'm starting to understand what's happening here; I still can't believe it, but I'm understanding it."

"Mind sharing with the rest of the class?" Ichigo asked.

"Why don't we get Orihime inside first? I'll explain when we're with everyone else."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

In a dark alleyway on the other side of town, a dark figure strode along purposefully.

"Mwah hah hah hah hah! Finally, the prophecy has been fulfilled! '_On the night of All Hallows Eve, and the spirits of the realm of fantasy manifest to this mortal plane, the Witching Hour is struck the Dark Lord of the Night shall rise again!'"_ The "Dark Lord of the Night" struck a "Guilty" pose, "And since it was penned by _moi_ then it was bound to happen sooner or later. Now then, where shall I start my Reign of Eternal Darkness first..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"We're all here now," Sexy Maid Matsumoto said, gesturing to the other officers in the room, "what is it that Mistress Kuchiki wishes to discuss with us?"

"It'd better be worth missing my favorite Slayer song on the radio for..." Metal Head Renji grumbled.

"And I was just in the middle of making myself another peanut butter and banana sandwich," Elvis Kiyone added, "Ah _huh _huh!"

"Um," Rukia eloquently began. After a moment of awkwardly mulling things over, she decided what she wanted to say, "Have any of you guys noticed anyone acting weird...er?"

"I can't think of anything," Fabio Ikkaku said, tossing his hair.

...It was kinda creepy.

"Dat's kinda cweepy..." Nel pointed out.

See my point?

Isane responded by revving up her chainsaw.

"_Aaaaand_ dat's kinda scawy," she added.

"I'm still a bit in the dark on what you mean," Ichigo said.

"Well, I think I may have figured out why everyone's not acting like they usually do," she explained. "And it has to do with that tingly feeling I felt earlier tonight, that was the time I noticed everybody acting out of character."

"I didn't feel anything earlier," Ichigo shrugged.

"Nel didn't eider," Nel said as well.

Rukia thought this was strange, since neither her boyfriend nor "her practice lovechild", as Ichigo's father had called Nel, were showing any signs of acting like the costumes they wore.

She put it aside for the moment, "Regardless, I think it might have been some type of quantum time/space anomaly..._thing_, that somehow must have turned you guys into whatever costume you're wearing."

"You do realize how absurd this all sounds?" Samurai Yumichika said.

"I know, but it's the only thing that makes sense considering everything that's happened since I got assigned here."

"Kinda sounds like something from Dethklok," Renji commented.

"And while I'd like to believe that this somehow occurred naturally," Rukia continued, "there's real only one person I know who could do something like this." She shuddered at the recollection of said person.

"You are referring to Master Kurosutchi, are you not?" a new voice said from behind Rukia.

Everyone turned to find Nemu standing in their midst.

"Greetings," she said, bowing. When she raised her head again and took stock of everything, "I was afraid of this..."

"_*VRRRRRRRRM!*_?" Isane asked.

"Well, the fact that you all (along with everyone outside) appear to be acting like your costumes confirms that Master Kurosutchi's little 'experiment'," she used air quotes here, "did have some effect after all."

"Is that bad?" Rukia asked.

"I don't believe so, but just to be on the safe side Master Kurosutchi is working on reversing it as we speak."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Mayuri Kurosutchi: *amidst sputtering machinery* Dammit! I knew the nuclear battery was supposed to go in "Plus to Minus"; I created it, why the hell would I think otherwise?_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"It might take a while," she sighed.

"It occurs to me that if people are acting like the costuming they adorn themselves with," Yumichika interjected, "then isn't there the possibility that there are several miniature villains running loose out there?"

"That is another reason why I am here," Nemu explained, "I am well versed in combat techniques, so if any villain should attempt something-"

CRASH!

In the middle of Nemu's explanation the front door burst open, revealing-

"Elton John's and Darth Vader's unholy lovechild?" Ichigo said.

"Yes!" the figure said, striking a pose, "I am Elton John's- NO! I am the Dark Lord of the Night, here to fulfill the prophecy of old and claim my rightful place as-!"

"You look wike Elton John's and Darth Vader's unholy wuvchild," Nel said blankly.

"_I am not!"_ the Dark Lord whined. "I'm evil and nasty and stuff."

"Forgive me for asking," Matsumoto said, holding up her finger, "but what is your purpose here Master Dark Lord?"

"Yeah, I'd kinda like to know that as well," Tatsuki agreed, stroking her beard.

"I am here to bring about the Age of Darkness over the entire world, and rule as it's master!" he embellished. "An age torment and despair that has not been seen since-!"

He noticed that no one was listening to him anymore, instead choosing to speculate with Nemu about how to reverse everything.

"I'm still talking over here, you know!" he announced.

"That's nice," Yumichika said offhandedly, not bothering to pay the villain any mind. "I was thinking perhaps we could ask that young woman you all met in the micro-climate if she could be of assistance."

"You mean Mistress Senna?" Matsumoto said.

"_*VRRRRRRRRM!*_," Isane confirmed.

"Who is this Senna person?" Nemu asked.

"She's someone we met when Me, Ichigo, Tatsuki, Nel, Matsumoto, and Insane fell into the micro-climate," Rukia explained, "I remember she got itchy in weird places after she used her powers..."

"Yeah, what was with that?" Ichigo said.

"Hel-_lo!_" the Dark Lord shouted, "Evil mastermind bent on taking over the world, monologuing for your pleasure here!"

"Hold on a moment!" Tatsuki dismissed him. "So how would we even contact her to begin with?"

"Leave that to me!" Renji announced proudly, walking over to the micro-climate. "HEY, WEIRD ALIEN CHICK PERSON GIRL, COULD YA COME AND HELP US OUT A SECOND?"

"...Loud much?" Fabio Ikkaku stated, rubbing his ears, "I think you damaged my sensitive hearing..."

Then Senna appeared in a flash of light.

"It worked, didn't it?"

"Geez, you didn't have to yell so loud," Senna said, scratching her lower buttocks, "I think you might have damaged my sensitive hearing..."

"Hi Senna-chan!" Nel called, waving one of her hooves.

"Oh hi Nel!' Senna waved, her butt sufficiently scratched, "Neat costume!"

"Dat's nice of _Moooooo!_ to say," Nel mooed.

"It appears to have manifested in Young Miss Nel too," Nemu said with a small shake of her head. "You wouldn't happen to know how to reverse this phenomenon, Misteress Senna?"

"I think so, just give me a few-" the Ultimate Being (In Training) said, before she suddenly noticed the other person in the room. "...Wuukhihanawashaloogie?!"

"Senna?" The Dark Lord, or I guess Wuukhihanawashaloogie, gasped, "you know these lowly peons?

"Yeah," she said, "they're my friends." She regarded him curiously, "What's with the 'Dark Lord' gettup?"

"This isn't a 'gettup'!" Wuukhihanawashaloogie shouted indignantly, "This is my super stylish Evil Overlord uniform! It'll be all the rage when I take over the world!"

"_Of course!_" an M. Bison cosplayer said, sticking his head in the front door.

"I left 'Wuukhihanawashaloogie' back in sixth grade Imaginary Numbers!" Wuukhi- Er, the Dark Lord continued, ignoring the cosplayer, "I shall have my revenge for that time you and your friend Amaterasu put a black hole in my locker after putting piranhas in my soup at lunch!"

"I never did that," Senna shook her head, thinking back to the incident in question, "I don't even remember bringing a black hole to classes for at least a month before and after that happened..."

"I thought black holes were those things in space that sucked in all the stars," Kiyone said, "Ah _huh _huh!"

"Maybe that's what they're like in this continuum," Senna told the Groovy towheaded cop, "in Ultimate Being School you have to set the timer if you want them to go off-"

"WHY AREN'T YOU PEOPLE PAYING ATTENTION TO MY CONQUEST?!" the Dark Lord suddenly exploded, crying long Anime tears. "This really is just like sixth grade Imaginary Numbers class again..."

"He certainly seems to be for the theatrics," Yumichika remarked, "doesn't he?"

"BUT!" the Drak Lord continued, "Nothing will keep me from my goal of-"

"Your constant prattling is becoming quite annoying," Nemu said, "Please shut up before I am forced to use my Rocket Powered Fists."

"Oh _please_," the Dark Lord scoffed, "like you actually have rocket powered-"

BAM! went the Rocket Powered Fist as it slammed into the Dark Lord's kisser.

"I stand..._corrected_..." he whimpered before crumpling to the floor.

Everyone stood with their jaws hanging on the floor, including Senna's.

"Interesting...," Nemu mused, retracting her fist back into her arm, "I did not know if that would actually work."

Everyone fell over sideways, the Donk! sound echoing through the station.

"You mean you were bluffing?" Rukia asked, flabbergasted.

"Testing a theory would be a better description," Nemu said, adjusting her arm in its socket. "I figure that if I thought of myself as a Robo-Maid, the universe as it is now would read my thoughts and would make me into an actual Robo-Maid with Rocket Powered Fists. I'm pleased to say my theory proved correct, and I now have a pretty good idea how to reverse it."

"That's great news!" Senna cheered, "I guess you didn't really need me after all."

Everyone pointed at the comatose Dark Lord.

"_*VRRRRRRRRM!*_," said Isane. (Translation; You could take this guy off our hands.)

"I suppose I could," Senna said sheepishly (Yay alliteration!), rubbing the back of her head.

"And I shall return to Master Kurosutchi and begin the reversal," Nemu said. She then engaged the retro-rockets in her shoes and burst through the ceiling.

"Why does our place keep breaking?" Ichigo moaned, hanging his head in his hands.

"I wonder how long it'll take for Nemu fix this?" Rukia wondered.

...Right before another tingly sensation rippled through her.

"OK, what was that?" Ichigo asked.

"You felt it too!?" Rukia exclaimed, surprised that she wasn't the only one feeling it this time.

"Guys?" Matsumoto said, "Why am I holding a feather duster? And what happened to my beer?"

"*BBBBUUUURRRRPPPP!*," Ikkaku gracefully belched.

"So _uncouth_..." Yumichika siad softly, shaking his head.

"Dammit!" Tatsuki swore, doing the same punching motion over and over, "Why can't I punch through reality anymore?"

"Dey seem fine tah me," Nel said.

"Why does my throat feel so sore?" Renji asked.

"Hey, I wonder why my costume didn't affect me?" Ichigo said. "I mean, it's supposed to be an exact replica in every way."

"You sure went all out this year," Kiyone said, finishing off the remains of a peanutbutter and banana sandwich she didn't remember making. Oh well, free food and all that.

"Actually, this is courtesy of my family," he corrected, "they always go _waaaaay_ overboard on all the holidays."

"Oh, so _dat's_ what dis ting was forwe," Nel realized, holding up her arm. On it was some type of vambrace that, surprisingly, no one had noticed that entire night. "It came in a sepwate box."

"Maybe that's it, your costume was incomplete," Rukia said.

"Could be..." Ichigo mused.

"So what does it do?" Isane asked as Nel showed it to her surrogate mother.

She made a fist, and a blade shot out of the wrist, nearly impaling Isane in the throat.

Isane fainted.

"_Now_ it's Halloween," Ichigo said, tossing some M&M's into his mouth.

Matsumoto hiccupped.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Aaaaand that's the end of that little All Hallows Eve adventure. Well, next month starts NaNoWriMo, so I'll be writing only that and nothing else for thirty days starts Nov. 1. But fret not! For I have wrote chapters in advance, and those chapters include the conclusion to the micro-climate thing. _


	74. There's no place like home

_Well, I guess this particular adventure for the KPD will end a bit sooner then even I thought it would. Partly because I couldn't think of anything to do for each of the policemen involved, and even when I did it didn't want to get written for some reason, and partly because there wasn't as much fan response as I was anticipating. C'mon people, I'm not in this business for my health, you know!_

_Anyways, the last chapter was written like another well know and revered author; Charles Dickens. _

_I know, and I thought Tolkien was a stretch..._

_And now it's time to make like a drug dealer and on with the crack!_

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

When Rukia finally came to again she saw that the Dimensional Transportocinator was already set up and running ready to send her back to her home dimension.

"AH, you're awake," Dr. Mayuri said, typing randomly on a keyboard on the large device, "Just a few more adjustments and you be back home before you know it!"

"Thanks," Rukia said, bowing. "It was nice to meet you too, especially knowing the Mayuri Kurotsuchi back in _my_ universe." She sweatdropped a little as she said that, unfortunately remembering him.

"It was a pleasure meeting you too," Matsumoto said, extending her hand, "especially considering _our_ Rukia."

"I heard that!" the Mirror Rukia shouted from the bathroom.

Rukia sweatdropped even more.

"And be sure to give my counterpart what-for for me about drinking so much, 'K?" she said as she gave Rukia a firm handshake.

"And like, tell my other self to get laid or something," Tatsuki added, "Maybe if she stopped being such an uptight bitch then she'd probably have more friends than just the guys at the station."

"I'll see if I can mention it to her," Rukia shakily assured Tatsuki's Blond counterpart, though in actuality she'd probably think of some way to make Ikkaku do it instead of her.

But only if Ikkaku was really annoying her that day.

Which didn't happen _too_ often...

"It's ready!" Maruri announced, gesturing Rukia over to a platform that rested under a strange looking apparatus covered in random wires and antennas.

"Good luck!" Isane called before turning back to her sister, who was rocking back and forth in the fetal position while muttering all the things she thought could go wrong. (Thankfully they were under her breath.)

"You might feel a slight tingling when you're transported," Dr. Kurotsuchi warned, "but don't worry; that usually didn't result in anything bad happening to the test subjects later on."

"OK, I'll remem-" Rukia started to say when she actually realized what the kindly physician said, "Wait, what do you mean 'usually'?!"

But before she could get her answers the Transportocinator activated and she disappeared with kind of a "Jjhhoooommmmmmmmm!" sound.

"Good Ridance..." Ichigo grunted, kicking open the door to the kitchen, "I'ma go get a beer."

"...And thank you for making my headache about ten times worse," Yumichika called after the angry orange-haired cop.

"I wonder if she made it back to her own universe alright?" Ikkaku wondered, noticing a few thin tails of smoke rising from the Dimensional Transportocinator.

"Of course she did!" Tatsuki supplied cheerily, "Right Mr. Narrator?"

Actually, I'm not allowed to tell you; the Author really doesn't like to give spoilers for stories.

"Oh..." Tatsuki then did her best Bambi Eyes at the Narrator.

..OK, you win. I can't spoil anything, but at least she doesn't die, and she does find her friends again.

"Yay~!" Tatsuki cheered.

"Who the hell are you talking too?" Renji asked.

"The Narrator," the Blond policegirl answered simply.

"I knew this was a bad time to quit drinking..." Matsumoto sighed, pinching the bride of her nose; she _really_ didn't want to explain to Tatsuki that Narrators were about as real as Santa Clause again this week...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

When Rukia reappeared again she was back in the same jungle as before. (Minus the the little dancing tribal Spots this time.) Though this time everyone else had also appeared next to her, so maybe things wouldn't be so bad this time around.

"GRRAAAAAOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!"

...I should really stop jinxing this story, huh?

Then suddenly there was a yelp of pain and a T-rex flew through the brush ans slammed into a nearby tree, quite clearly dead.

"Serves you right!" a familiar voice yelled from the hole the dinosaur made.

"Senna-chan!" Nel cheered as the afore mentioned Senna emerged into the clearing.

"Oh hi guys!" she called back, unashamedly scratching her crotch. "Phew," she sighed, "I didn't botch up the reversal spell..."

"What reversal spell?" Isane asked, "And why are we back here again?"

"Well..." Senna said sheepishly (Yay alliteration!), rubbing the back of her head, "I _kinda_ might have possibly maybe made a _tiiiiiny_ little mistake in the incantation when I was trying to send you guys home before..."

"You WHAT?!" Tatsuki shouted. "No wonder I didn't end up at the Station..."

"Where did you end up?" Ichigo wondered.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"_Oi, what the [censor] is your problem?" the Seitetsu Academy committee Chairperson gasped as Tatsuki threw a safe (Don't ask where she got it.) at the student who'd gotten too close to her lips for comfort and sent her flying clear across the whole school complex. "She paid good money for some quality time with the Academy's hottest, most kickass new student, I am _not_ going give a refund-"_

_Tatsuki glared at her. _

_Very. Glared. _

A demon,_ the Chairerpson thought aghast, _a demon in the wreckage...

"_I think this is the first time I've wanted to run the _other_ way from a pretty girl..." the Assistant committee Chairperson said, hiding behind the Chairperson. _

"_Maybe we should consider running..." the Treasurer suggested. _

"_EEEE! It's the new kickass transfer student Tatsuki Arisawa!" a throng of girls squeed, suddenly bursting through the door. "First come., first served!" _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"_Hell...,_" was all Tatsuki growled.

No one pressed for any further information.

"Mine was weird," Isane interjected after a few straight minutes of awkward silence, "Apparently I was in a world where everything was really really small, like in _Gulliver's Travels_." She pondered for a moment, "Kind of like Recurring Dream #387."

"Da one whewe you'we camping and da tent gets eaten by a giant Monkey-Hippo?" Nel asked.

"No, that's Dream #825," Isane corrected.

"I got sent to Feudal Japan," Ichigo said, "got mixed up some war or other."

"Good thing you were so good with Tensa Zangetsu or you would have had a rough time," Tatsuki said, swiping a bottle of Jack from Matsumoto, presumable to wash away the memories of "hell".

"So wait," Rukia interjected, "where did you go Nel?"

Isane was suddenly all up in Nel's face.

"_You didn't get hurt, did you?"_ she asked, the undertones in her voice sounding kinda (monumentally) scary.

"Nel's fine," Nel said, kind of uncomfortable that Isane currently up in her grill, "Nel beat back the Zombies easy-peasy! Dey didn't even leave a scwatch on me!" She made the "V for Victory" sign.

"And for that matter, where did Rangiku end up?" Ichigo gestured to Matsumoto, who just had a dreamy expression on her face.

"Octoberfest..., *hic!*," she hiccuped, just as dreamily.

"Sounds like you all had some cool adventures," Senna remarked, "I'll have to look at the security footage later. Anyways, I think I figured out what I did wrong last time and it ought to work right this time around." She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again they were glowing, "_Winds from the four directions, called by the seven masters, for the purpose of the five truths of all nations! Soul of the swallow, finch, and _eagle_ (I'm getting it right this time!), I command thee!_" She stretched her arms out, "_Klaatu burata N'ktto!"_

Everyone disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Well that takes care of that," Senna said as she dusted her hands off, her eyes back to normal. "Though just to be safe, I'd better check the security monitors to see if they actually _did_ make it back..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Back in the KPD station, the Four Stooges who didn't fall into the micro-climate were having another stupid argument.

"I'm telling you you're putting it in backwards!"

"Then why do the instructions show it being put in like this, huh?"

"Well, how else do you explain it's not working?"

"Simple; _operator error._"

"Might I suggest we call Costumer Service if we're having this much trouble?"

"No you might not."

They couldn't figure out how to use the new lock Ikkaku bought for his bedroom/the downstairs bathroom. (For the record, the key is held _horizontally_, not _vertically_.)

However, before the violence could escalate (like it usually does), the micro-climate spat out a puff oddly colored smoke along with the missing member of the KPD.

"Oh hey guys!" Kiyone waved, "Where'd y'all get to?"

"You wouldn't believe us if we told you..." Tatsuki said, the first one to regain their bearings.

"*hic!*," Matsumoto contributed, still feeling the effects of Octoberfest.

"That reminds me," Ichigo turned to his girlfriend, "you never told us where you ended up."

"It wouldn't have anything to do with dinosaurs," Yumichika asked, pointing behind the newly returned group, "would it?"

They all turned in the direction Yumichika was pointing, and...

"WHERE THE [censor] DID THAT T-REX COME FROM?!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I knew I was forgetting _something_," Senna snapped her fingers. She smacked her head, "I forgot to to specify how many people I was sending back, _doi!_"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, everyone's back now; hopefully they won't get dragged into any alternate dimensions any time soon. _

_Anywho, just a quick reminder that NaNoWriMo is now upon us, so I will not be writing for anything else but that. However, feel free to suggest whatever you want to see happen in the story and I'll do my best to make it happen come December (just remember to keep your suggestions relatively kid friendly). _

_In the mean time, Happy Belated October! (Which is conveniently located back around the time Octoberfest happens!)_

_Oh, and for the record, Tatsuki got sent to the Kampfer world. (Look it up!)_


	75. Kiba Wolf Reviews

_Hey there, Layman here. Remember when I did that Comment special way back when? If so then you must remember that long one by Kibe Wolf I put at the end there. Well, I couldn't hold it in any longer; here are all the other reviews she gave for Cold Fuzz. (If these don't leave you rolling on the ground in stitches, then this isn't the place to be.) _

_Reviews are listed in ascending numerical order._

___But before that, a short update on NaNo. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to reach 50,000 words, and I ended up writing less than I did last year. However, I believe I know why that is, so when next NaNo comes around I'll do better._

_Side note: Throughout the month of December, I've decided to hold a little contest. Namely, a "Best Review" contest, starting as soon as this chapter is finished. More info in the closer._

**Kiba Wolf's reviews.**

1. Hey Layman, it's Kiba (that was totally pointless since you'll see my name anyways... uh.)

Moving on I decided to return the favor and read your story - actually it's kind of weird because it dawned on me that I don't think I've ever really checked out your stories. Typically when some one reviews one of my stories I check their profile and scrounge around for something good to read. Anyways, I'm off topic kind of.

I like this story so far, there were some funny moments for sure and I look forward to seeing more. Always hard for me to compliment or complain about a story after the first chapter.

2. I'm a major Urahara/Yoruichi fan, so it baffles me as to why I haven't written a story or really read any stories about them. That being said, I loved the first few lines of this story right away. That's awesome.

"She kind of thinks she's a cat."

Ha ha oh gosh I'm gonna bust a gut.

Anyways!

Quincy is my new hero.

3. "I'll have a #3, large fries, hold the pickles, and make sure that meat is fresh. In fact, make sure it was killed today."

Kenny also happens to be one of my favorite characters (the more I like the character the less I seem to read/write about them hmm...)

But yeah, great line, ha ha. I had this great image of a Maccy D employee stabbing a goat.

Tatsuki would make an exceptional cop, wouldn't she? Nice chapter.

4. "He has an aura? Rukia wondered." Exactly what I was wondering after reading that line.

The micro-climate scares me and evokes primal survival instincts.

AHA! So that's where Tatsuki went! ... What you expected me to say something about their trip through the micro-climate? See above, I already knew it was evil the moment it was mentioned in chapter one.

5. Hanatarou gets as bashed here as - well I was gonna say one character in my story, but actually I bash pretty much all of them equally.

Special bashings are better though, so I like it every time Hanataou gets owned here.

Betsy is now in competition with Quincy.

Suddenly snapping her arm out... ha ha. Aweomse. Good chapter (as usual?)

6. '1313 Mockingbird Lane' Sounds like a place someone would get murdered at.

"there was that Twilight book signing that put Hanatarou in the emergency room. Besides, Hanatarou made it back from here OK, didn't he?"

Twilight Fangirls: 2 Hanatarou: 0

After all the build up of the house, it only takes one line to explain it all: "are you here to see Master Kurotsuchi?"

Does any of the stuff I've written even count as a review? Eh.

"What happened to the others?"

"'Here we are,' Nemu said as she opened a door, also completely avoiding the question." That's awesome.

"I don't think I quite caught the sub-text." This joke will be wasted on a Bleach fan fic, but as a TRC loyalist I have to say it: Omg TRC, lol.

Melancholy - I just now realized every time I read that word my first thought afterwards is always "Haruhi Suzumiya."

Ha ha. I'm glad you at least put a flair on the 'it was only just a dream' ending. Good job.

7. "Because right now you've got an afro that would make Jimi Hendrix jealous."

Thank you someone finally said it!

...The fact that I was waiting for someone to say it though...

Why those three people (well, aside from Rukia, I was expecting her.) Hmm...

MatsumotoxHanatarou... Must. Not. Write. Bad. Fanfic.

Must. Resist. Temptation.

"'Maybe because it can't get past his thick eyebrows?' Rukia ventured.

Oh, ZING!"

I'll admit it: I legitimately laughed out loud at this.

Cliffhanger? What? Dun, dun, dun.

8. Thank goodness I came into this story so late - no update wait!

"Needless to say, someone was going to be complaining about more than a fly in their soup tonight."

*Rimshot*

Ohh so that's what happened with Hanatarou...

"The noodle incident at the Christmas drinking party stood out in her mind for some reason." Ah yes, the noodle incident.

You know I didn't mind the seriousness this chapter, which is weird maybe, but yeah...

Wait a minute... another cliffhanger? Dun. Dun. Dun!

9. "Ichimaru said under his breath so as not to alarm the other patrons," because the gun pointed at his date wouldn't have alarmed anyone.

So you know despite the fact that Matsumoto was getting kidnapped, you still kept this chapter funny and lightened it up by the end, good job there.

On to the next chapter!

10. "...told him that she'd spike whatever meds he had left with laxatives if he didn't start taking better care of himself."

Another favorite character.

Ah, so I'll fess up now; I'm an IchiRuki fan (insert guilty look here), so I really enjoyed this chapter, ha ha.

The sauce gag was epic, of course, and the chapter was good, as always. Write on!

11. Ahah, so I read the author's note and I was already grinning, but before I get on to the chapter this seems like a good time to say thanks again to you. Not only did you mention my story in your own, but when I was looking at your profile earlier I noticed you also advertised/recommended it there as well. So thanks much man!

On to the chapter!

"...every male member of this police force and Yumichika?" Hah!

Oh my gosh this is just... way too much fun for me to read.

"Yumichika; [censor]ING GIVE ME BACK MY [censor] WIG YOU [censor] [censor]!" Ah, memories.

"(Please, we have double standards here people!)." Awesome.

"Anyhow, we're off to follow the rumors of a purple haired woman who chases bird in the park, and can't seem to keep her pants on!" If I had been drinking while reading that, I would've spewed everywhere.

Thank you for the tribute again; it was very well done, and hey, while I'm on that tangent: this whole story has been great so far. I haven't been reading a lot of Bleach fics lately since I'm so far behind and there's more spoilers in summaries than people realize... well long story short, thanks for giving me a Bleach story to read, and of course, thoroughly enjoy.

Again, the tribute was awesome. Write on man.

12. Man, Layman, people are going to be mad at you. I'm reading this instead of writing BWT for tomorrow. Buhaha!

Anyways, ahh let's see... the costumes, I wonder about those. I mean some of them I could understand why, but were some of them just randomly picked just for no particular reason?

Anyways...

Ah, classic dream mode gooo!

13. Hmm I'm not sure which I liked better, as far as the two parts go... I mean the naked-in-front-of-the-class dream is classic (and I had the enjoyment of picturing Ichigo laughing at her), but the second part of the chapter was good too...

Hah at first I wasn't sure what it was (I thought about Mortal Kombat, but then I was thinking that maybe it was just a fighter game in general). Ah, but I love Mortal Kombat so I think part two wins this round (Round Three. Fight!)

I look forward to seeing what other characters are dreaming of... wait isn't this like that one epidsode of that one show where he explores everyone's dreams and then they all get mad at him?

Oh, I can't wait to read Ichigo's... eep, my IchiRuki is showing!

14. I like where this could be going (the progression of the chapters, that is).

Hmm I was going to... oh that's what it was! You know what this chapter sounded like to me? It seemed like you grabbed a Bleach mad lib and filled it in and posted it, ha ha.

Man I would kill for a Bleach mad lib!

I mean, uh, good chapter.

15. More crack's always good, but I like dark stuff too. That being said let's read the chapter... (why do I comment on author's notes...)

"Eh, it's not as if I loved her anyways,"

-er I mean... wrong keys, ahem...

!one!1!one!11!

"OK, admittedly, they weren't a lot of memories between him and her" Time to be honest: I laughed out loud at this part. Guilt...overwhelming...

Rukia loses her clothes alot, huh? Wink, wink.

Wink.

I agree with the author's note at the end, it wasn't too bad; I was expecting much more darkness. I think the length (being fairly short) helped keep the darkness down as well.

Either way, I liked this chapter. Onwards!

16. Honestly the Author's Note riddle answer... well the first guess that popped into my mind was God. Hmm... but I don't think that's what you were going for, but wait! Maybe was it...

The micro-climate?

Hmm... must find out...

Oh Hanatarou... duh. I mean, duh, of course it wasn't - you know what never mind.

Looking forward to the next chapter, woohoo!

17. Not the character I was hoping for (yet it kind of makes sense). Oh and the author's note: Ha ha.

Poor Kiyone... no truffles for joo.

"You like Chappy?" Epic win.

Pigs or men, really, the bathrooms for both are kinda similar.

Not... that I would... know or anything... uhh...

Anyways!

Ikkaku should be fun... Yumichika's was surprisingly gross for such an uptight, clean fellow (or at least that's my impression...)

Next chapter!

18. "screaming "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" and crashing through the back door..."

Deranged soul reapers make me laugh.

And you know, to be honest about the entire chapter, Ikkaku really would make the best cop.

Okay not much to say for this one! Onwards!

19. Kiyone actually had a normal, competant dream... that was... weird.

Ah romantic setting... must... read... please... be...

"Ichigo?"

Yesssss! Eep, my IchiRuki is showing again (maybe I should write an IchiRuki story soon... really in the mood for a good IchiRuki story... hmm... I appear to be rambling...)

"'Yeah,' Ichigo explained, 'every other time I asked you to dinner you ended up never showing.' He sighed again, 'It's really great that this time turned out different.'"

That whole line there just made me go 'Aww, poor Ichigo!'

Which is weird, I don't usually 'Aww' characters at all. Mostly I just laugh at their pain and torture them. Well... in this category anyways... rambling again!

"But hey, at least his mouth wasn't on fire anymore!" There's always a bright side!

Also, I'm obsessively loving this chapter.

"They say that real Ninja eat there." Get your Naruto out of my Bleach!

Ohh and yeah now that it's mentioned it does remind me of Rush Hour - just haven't seen the movie in so long it didn't dawn on me.

Also I loved this chapter - purely because of the IchiRuki, but still!

20. I'm kind of bummed we don't get to read through any more dreams after this... although I wonder what Rukia will say (if anything) to the other folks on the force about their dreams. Although maybe she'll just think it was her own deranged dreams and not say a word...

One question does remain though: What was in those brownies?

Renji: epic fail.

And the comments when she woke up: epic win.

Precious movie? Whatever that thing gave me nightmares.

"By now my father and sisters are probably higher than we were." Yeah, probably. Although it makes me wonder about halloween in general...

I mean, this was halloween when this started right? The dream arc took so long I was expecting them to wake up during Thanksgiving (Ah, it wasn't that long... maybe not long enough even.)

Okay so as far as the end... hey I think it was the perfect end to a perfect arc. Not much more to say there.

To the author's note at the end: I shall guess! Maybe! Na.

Oh but about the thing Renji had? Either a Chappy doll or... the guess I lean more towards at this point, just a blankie. But a blankie nonetheless!

Onwards!

21. "Jimi Hendrix would have been jealous of the trip everyone was on."

Hah!

"Such as their infamous Halloween party." Yep, that's one of those things you just never live down. Trust me I know. I mean, I don't know. Of course not, why would I? Uh, moving on.

So that's where Tatsuki went. I always wonder... I mean have you ever noticed when you have a group of characters one always just seems to vanish, and you (the author) never do it on purpose it just happens. I mean I had a character I wanted to write more about, but he just happened to never show up. Uh rambling again. Anyways...

"so fast that it was almost as if he used the legendary "flash step" technique rumored to have been used by the Ninja of old" Ahh! You can't refer to old soul reapers as ninja! It's just insulting!

"Ironically, this was the most logical things they'd ever heard her say. And she was drunk.

Go figure." That actually makes perfect sense - her being logical while drunk that is.

"Don't you have to turn it on first?" And then it all makes sense.

Oh my gosh is that... an old Simpson's reference...

That computer is bad news. Like the Micro-Climate only less evil and demonic.

"It tried to sell me insurance!" I love how I can read that line and then the next one is even more funny and epic. I mean how do you beat that? Well, with a drunk Matsumoto apparently.

"Ever more silence, louder this time." You know I actually don't blame Uryu for all of these precautions and what not. I might burn my clothes too if they had come in contact with the virus... not that that's logical, but why risk it?

I wonder more what the music track was and less what his secret is/was...

The viruses were great for one big reason: they were original. Seriously, coming off trippy brownies I wasn't expecting ccomputer viruses... is it bad that that actually makes sense? Anyways...

Cybershipping is right.

And I'm done.

22. Guest writer eh? We'll see...

"Don't feed the damn thing; it might grow and develop language skills!" Loving this already.

Ha ha. "You were getting a good sound out of him..." Awesome.

I won't continue to quote otherwise it'll compose the majority of this review, but let me just say there's some great one-liners so far.

Must... resist... quotatge.

"Orihime was the one who put real mud in it!"

Only because I actually laughed out loud at this.

Wait, wait... they're all half-drunk (or more) now? When did the rest of them start drinking?

"Matsumoto held a bottle of saké, pretending it was a gun. (Everyone collectively agreed that they'd all be safer if the drunk woman didn't have a weapon.)" And again... really I can't help quoting this thing; there's so many great lines. I think that may be my favorite yet though... we'll see...

The Halloween party strike again. Yep, told you it wasn't going away any time soon.

Good guest writer I'd say; you could tell it wasn't the same author, but they style was well mimicked... does he have a Fanfic acount? I'd like to check his writing out.

23. Okay okay... more quotes.

"'No I'm not,' she said, not even bothering to hide the bottle." Another laugh-out-loud line. There've been a lot in these past few chapters, kudos on that.

Although to be fair, the whole discussion over how often they get drunk is just funny in its own right.

"Fortunately, Ichigo didn't realize this at the time." I don't know if I would call that 'fortunately,' but I sure do smell more IchiRuki possibilities (and you know how I am with that by now!)

...Oh. My. Yamamoto. Is that...

"Were they hot?-" I'm going out on a limb here and saying that Matsumoto got progressively more drunk after Rukia left.

"And I suppose you aren't ashamed that your girlfriend doesn't know such an well known urban legend?" Wait. Wait. Wait just a minute. Just hold up and stop everything. Are you telling me...

When did this girlfriend business happen? Why wasn't I informed? When's the wedding? Is this for serious? Cuz he didn't even bat an eye at-!

Ahem. Sorry, continuing on with the story now... ignore that last bit...

It was a worthwhile chapter (though I didn't have to wait). I'm surprised you put such a popular story on hold (well, it seemed popular enough to me - the hypocrite sitting here...)

Don't suppose it's still on hiatus though... hmm...

Besides, this is a chapter you just can't leave off on-more is needed! What about Byakuya - despite the fail at spelling his name! Or should that be a '?' What was I talking about again?

Oh, right, good chapter!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And you've already read #24 a few chapters ago. _

_Well, what'd you think? If you haven't already went and read her stuff, then you're either brain damaged or a Twilight fan. But seriously, the BLEACH Weekly Tabloid, it's HILARIOUS. _

_And Kiba, if you're reading this please review more? This can't be all the funny you have left in you..._

_And onto the matter at hand, the Best Review Contest! So starting now, whoever gives the singular best (reads: funniest) review during December, they will be able to dictate an entire chapter of Cold Fuzz to happen after the new year. So please people, be creative whit your reviews for the next month, OK? _

_And now a few simple rules. (1.) Try to keep it clean. (2.) Try to limit it to a single paragraph (I you HAVE to do more than one paragraph, then only the funniest one will be chosen.) (3.) No creepy Isane fixations. (You know who you are...) There you go, start reviewing! (And try to give Kiba Wolf a nudge back to this story while you're at it, would ya?)_


	76. Remedial lessons

_OK y'all, time for an undercover mission! It's something I've wanted to do in this story for a while, so why put it off any longer! (It should turn out better than the "Ranigku's blind date" fiasco. ..._Probably._)_

_Anyways, the last chapter was written like Douglas Adams, which means it time for another fangasm! EEEEEEEEEEEE!_

_OK, I had my fun, let's get serious now; I've got a crack humor story to tell after all._

_So now let's forget to set our alarms, rush through our morning routines, and rush out the door with a piece of toast in our mouth and on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The KPD were running an undercover op at the local High School, Rukia, Tatsuki, Kiyone, Yumichka and Matsumoto were all walking down the halls to their first class of the day.

"Why am I here again?" Yumichika asked, playing with the hem of his skirt, "Isn't this an All Girls School?"

"Oh come on!" Tatsuki sighed, "You're like one of the most feminine cops at the station, no one here is gonna notice you're a guy!"

"You _are _the only guy I know who wears make-up," Kiyone pointed out.

No one really had an argument for that.

"Plus you kind of composed the entire briefing-"

"Complete with diagrams," Matsumoto interjected, "*hic!*"

"-and made our disguises too." Rukia did a little twirl in her school uniform (complete with blazer). "It's impressive that you were able to fit these for each of us so well."

"Not really," Yumichika shrugged, "I just asked, Isane for everyone's measurements when the mission was decided." He flipped his hair beautifully, "I made these for everyone just in case."

Rukia pictured Ichigo wearing a Sailor fuku like she was, giggling at the image.

"Yeah, I don't think Ikkaku or Renji would go for this," Matsumoto said casually, taking a sip from her hip flask.

Suddenly the image of Ichigo's scowling face was replaced by Ikkaku's with mascara and lipstick, causing her to shudder violently.

"So what are we supposed to be doing here again?" Kiyone asked sheepishly, "I kind of fell asleep during your briefing."

"We're here to confirm the possible existence of a Yaoi manga smuggling ring operating out of this school because of that anonymous tip we got the other day," the prissy man explained.

"And then you mumbled that you'd go along with this when Isane tried to nudge you awake," Tatsuki said. "At least, that's what your unintelligible mumbling sounded like."

"I just figured this would a good chance to wear a cute outfit," Matsumoto said as she posed in her school uniform, her blazer and first few buttons of her blouse undone. "And I was right!"

"And _I_ think we should get to class before we get our cover blown," Tatsuki firmly suggested.

"I still don't know why I have to be here instead of Isane..." Yumichika mumbled.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Yumichika: I really don't see why you're being so difficult about this; the skirt is _well_ within the standard regulations of-_

_Isane: *pouting adamantly* But it still shows a bit of my lower thighs!_

_Ikkaku: Does it _really_ matter that much? Besides, if I were still in high school, I'd be more interested in what's _above_the waistline! *makes squeezing motions with his hands_*

_Ichigo: *smacks Ikkaku upside the head* _

_Nel: Maybe Nel could do it den! *makes hand sign, then smoke puffs and she's suddenly grown into a fully developed adult woman with barely a strip of cloth covering her, um, yeah...*_

_Isane: *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Oh yeah..."

"Well this looks like my first stop," Rukia said, stopping beside one of the doors, "I'll meet up with you guys at lunch."

"Sounds good," Tatsuki said, splitting off from the group as well, "Just beware of roving groups of over horned, undersexed teenage lesbians. They're more common than you think."

With that rather weird warning in mind Rukia headed into her first class of the day, getting her undercover persona up and running.

_Remember Rukia,_ she told herself at the door, _cheerful, perky, and delightful._

"Good morning everyone!~" she announced cheerfully as she entered the classroom, a demure smile on her face.

Everyone stared at her blankly.

…

…

…

Someone coughed once.

"Um, good morning Miss...," the teacher said, glancing at the student attendance sheet, "Rukia Kuchiki. Glad to see you're so enthusiastic about starting here at Karakura High."

"My pleasure Ochi-sensei," she said, doing a small curtsy. "So where should I sit?"

"It doesn't matter," Ochi-sensei said offhandedly, her nose now deep in a small book, "I'm sure there's a seat open somewhere..."

Not taking too much offense at the casual brushing off, Rukia found an empty seat and took it as her own.

"OK class," Ochi-sensei said, now standing up "now that our newest student is here, we can starts today's lesson." She reached behind her desk and pulled out some weird looking machine, "'How well the human body can conduct electricity'!"

As the rest of the students cheered at this, Rukia stared at the complicated looking machine with a mix of morbid curiosity and calm dread.

"Um...," she said, raising her hand slightly.

"What is it Miss," Ochi-sensei glanced at the student roster, "...Kuchiki?"

"What _exactly_ is that thing?"

"Oh that's right," Ochi-sensei snapped her fingers, "you're new here, so you wouldn't know about this." She turned to address the class as a whole, "I suppose it couldn't hurt to recap what we've covered so far; now the human body is made up of seventy percent water, and we all know that water is one of the best natural conductors of electricity there is. So, by the Transitive Property of Association, the human body is one of the best natural conductors of electricity there is." She then held up one of the metal helmets that was connected to the main body of the machine (which looked like a typewriter had a baby with a computer monitor, then that baby had one of its own with a car engine, then that one had a child with an electric guitar, and that demon bastard was covered in wires and cables...you'd get about 27.6825% of the describable parts of that doohickey), "So who wants to go first?"

Rukia gulped.

HARD.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Well, lunchtime came around and Rukia was looking much the worse for ware; her hair was more than a little disheveled do to her participation in the electricity "experiment", her uniform was askewed from running from a bunch of rabid students chased after her so they could "be friends with the cute new girl" (she should have paid more attention to Tatsuki's warning), and panting from using every last once of her wits to finally lose said rabid students.

"Next time...," she muttered to herself, "tone down the perky; makes me too desirable."

"_Rukia!"_ someone called from across the dining hall. As she glanced around she saw Matsumoto waving at her from across the room. _"We saved you a seat!"_

"_The food's not half bad either!" _Kiyone said, her mouth still full. Rukia made her way to her comrades and sat in the empty seat.

"You look like crap," Tatuski pointed out obviously, "What the hell happened, you get the electric chair or something?"

"Something like that..." she said, absently taking a bite of the food in front of her. "I don't remember science class being quite so painful..."

"At least you only had to suffer a temporary marring to your otherwise moderately attractive appearance," Yumichika said from under the paper bad on his head, "_I_ was made the subject of some of the girls' make-up experimentation."

_Well that explains the bag,_ Rukia thought.

"I just got dirty looks from everyone," Matsumoto said, folding her arms under her immense bosom after taking a sip of bourbon from her hip flask, "can't imagine why."

"Didn't any of the teachers try to confiscate your booze there?" Kiyone wondered.

Matsumoto shook her head, "For some reason none of them did, they just stared at my boobs for a minute and then walked back to their desk and started banging their head against it. Weird."

Everyone just sweatdropped as Matsumoto took another sip from her flask, blissfully unaware.

"Everyone was too scared of me to give me any trouble," Tatsuki said cheerfully, finally breaking the awkward silence, "It was great!"

"Bully for you!" Yumichika said sarcastically, waving his finger idly in the air.

"And once," she continued, "the Queens Bees tried to act tough when they tried to get me in trouble for not kissing their asses when they walked by, so I kicked the leader out the window. The rest of them didn't give me much trouble after that. Speaking of which..." She snapped her fingers, "Oi! My cup is looking a little _dry_ over here!"

Almost immediately a girl was beside the female Bruce Lee, shakily pouring orange juice from a pitcher.

"Good, now go make sure my desk is polished to a shine, and I'll _know_ if it's not."

The girl nodded frantically, then hurried off to comply with her Master's wishes.

"It's good to be King..." Tatsuki sighed as she sipped her orange juice.

"I got a D on my Final," Kiyone said morosely, toying with the food on her plate.

"But we've only been here one day," Rukia pointed out, "how did you get your Finals results already?"

"Oh these results are from years ago," the towhead explained, "Apparently they messed up the file system when I was in school and it's taken them this long to figure it out."

"Who the hell'd they put in charge of sorting that crap out if it took so long?" Tatsuki wondered.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou: *Lying on a floor amidst a mess of papers, foaming at the mouth. One hand is holding a pen, and resting on a note. It says "Finally", with the serif of the Y trailing off in a scribble.* _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Regardless, how much longer do we have to stay here?" Yumichika asked from under his bag, "I don't think my delicate skin can take any more of these substandard cosmetics."

"But we still haven't found any leads to the yaoi smuggling ring!" Kiyone protested.

"I think I can help with that," Tatsuki said, snapping her fingers again.

"What is your wish, Master?" the girl from before said, suddenly appearing again.

"I was thinking you could do me and my friends a little _favor_..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia had a nosebleed.

Kiyone had a nosebleed.

"Damn..." Tatsuki said.

"My word..." Yumichika breathed.

Matsumoto hiccuped.

"H-h-here it is," the scared girl said, holding open a door, "the Warehouse of Wonders."

Inside there were stacks upon stacks of Yaoi manga, all with pictures of attractive looking boys in various poses, some more provocative than others.

"That certainly took shorter than I thought it would," Matsumoto said. "Which is a shame, because I'm really starting to like it here!"

"I thought everyone gave you dirty looks," Yumichika said.

"Yeah, but a few of the other student were really nice to me; gave me hugs and everything!" She thought for a moment, "Rather clingy, nuzzly hugs."

"Regardless, we should call in the guys in to help confiscate it," Rukia suggested, finally recovering. "I don't think I could handle any more unadulterated BL."

"What do you think you're doing!" someone shouted from behind them. They all turned around and saw a small group of girls standing with their arms crossed. "No one gave you permission to enter the Warehouse of Wonders."

"Oh hey guys!" Matsumoto waved at the newcomers, "You knew about this place too?"

"EEEEEE! Matsumoto-senpai~!" the girls squealed, hopping up and down in place.

"Are you guys in charge of all this?" Tatsuki asked, what Matsumoto said before suddenly making a whole lot of sense.

"Yes we are," one of them said, composing herself enough to glare at Tatsuki, "what's it to you?"

"I'm the Police," she said, ripping off her school uniform to reveal her cop uniform underneath, "and you're all under arrest, _bitch!"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Six months later, when the lesbian Yaoi fangirls were released from intensive care, they joined up with the Greens and dedicated their lives to protesting stupid crap (which was actual crap more often than you'd think)._

_Well, it's almost the end of the year, and that means it'll have been almost 365 days of 98% perfect posting! I can't promise I'll post as often in 2013, but that's mostly because I have other projects that need to get done; moar Elfen MENT, a revamp of Angels of Atlantis, and lotsa editing, a new horror project... _

_Anyways, see you in two weeks with the next chapter!_


	77. Don't eat the yellow snow!

_Hey there, Layman here. Well, it's Christmas time again! *instrumental version of "The 12 Days of Christmas" plays* It's that time of year where all men (and women!) open their hearts to the world, wishing their fellow man (and woman!) good tidings of great joy! Where the whole family comes together from across the country just to spend time with one another. (And the presents don't hurt either!) _

_*record scratches* And The Everyman is gonna come in and ruin it all. _

_Oh yeah, that's right, The Everyman, everyone's favorite investigative reporter (for a tabloid) is giving us a special holiday treat this year! I know y'all missed him, so I'm bringing him back once more as a special end of year treat! Expect little if anything he says to make sense, because that's just how he rolls! _

_So let's get those restraining orders ready and on with the crack! (Also, The Everyman sounds like Lelouch in Code MENT, since none of you can hear the voice I created for him in my head. Go watch Code MENT. It's friggin hilarious.)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

*disclaimer* The Karakura Inquirer would like to remind you to stay _faaaaaaar_ away from 1313 Mockingbird Lane. There have been reports of a scary clown that lives there doing God only knows what in his basement, so take our advice and don't go near there unless you're packing heat. (And not even then!)

Heyo! The Everyman is back, folks! Yes, it's taken a long time and a few..._unpleasant _favors to convince my editors to let me do this story, but I think my lost virginity and missing colon are worth it to bring you the scoop on the intrepid force that keeps our city safe (sort of), the Karakura Police Department!

And in the spirit of Christmas, we're wearing a Santa hat while we pester- I mean "interview" everyone!

Everyman: Greetings and felicitations this Yuletide season, KPD!

Everyone: *groans*

Everyman: Aw, don't be like that! It's Christmas, show a little spirit!

Everyone: *groans more emphatically*

Everyman: That's better! Now, which one of you lucky Joe's wants to be-

Nel: Excuse me, but who arwe you?

Everyman: Why hello there little madame, and who might be?

Nel: I'm Nel, but you didn't answerw my qwestion; who arwe you?

Everyman: Who we are isn't important! What _is_ important is... *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device* whether or not you'd like to comment on claims that people have seen you pole dancing in the Red Light District on the third Tuesday of every month?

Isane: *spit-takes* WHAT! *faints*

Everyman: Well, that's new; and she wasn't even drinking anything either!

Kiyone: Sis, you OK?

Tatsuki: *cracks knuckles* Do I need to pummel you into goo again?

Ikkaku: *Grabs wooden swords* Ooh, we get to hit stuff?

Rukia: Could we please not? It's Christmas, let's just try to get through one day without resorting to violence, OK?

Everyone: *sighs*

Tatsuki: I suppose...

Rukia: _Ikkaku...?_

Ikkaku: *sighs dramatically* _Fine...*_unscrews head and places sword inside_*_

Everyman: Yay! My bones will stay intact!

Renji: *with no emotion* Joy. Yippee skippee. Woo-hoo.

Everyman: Well now that that's out of the way... *grabs Yumichika* I'm borrowing Miss Ayasegawa for a minute!

Yumichika: Unhand me you uncouth, uncultured, libel spewing-

Everyman; We don't even know what that is!

Yumichika: Well that certainly explains a lot...

Everyman: Now then... *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device* How long have you been secretly cheating on Ikkaku your doctor friend, Szayel Aporro Granz?

Yumichika: WHAT!?

Everyman: So then he's cheating on someone else with you?

Yumichika: No one's cheating on anyone!

Everyman: ..._M__é__nage __à__ trios_ then?

Seeing that the Diva was having a bit of a meltdown (details of the psychiatrist visits as soon as I can get the records of those sessions) we found ourselves in the station kitchen where Sir Pineapple Head was making a pastrami sandwich.

Everyman: Won't Rukia be mad at you for using her mayonnaise?

Renji: Don't you have something better to do than annoy the crap out of us? ...Like annoying the crap out of minor celebrities and athletes or something like that?

Everyman: Because if I don't get another scoop on you guys I could lose my job! Now, *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device* could you please explain, in your own words, why you joined The League of Chappy?

Renji: WHAT!?

Everyman: This is your signature on the Charter right here? *holds up Charter with Renji's signature on it*

Renji: That's drawn in crayon!

Everyman: But it's still legal in certain islands in the south Caribbean!

Renji: ...Why are you so close to my face?

Everyman: I get lonely sometimes...(!)

After learning that the floors in the KPD station are optional, we decided to go see what the Christmas set up was like for these guys.

To our delight, we found Matsumoto arguing with the Christmas tree!

Matsumoto: *hic!*, I'll 'ave you know, I've defeated _hundreds_ of Christmas Trees before, and _lemme _tell you, you're nothing _spezhul_!

Christmas tree: *does nothing*

Matsumoto: ...please give presents on Christmas? ...*hic!*

As usual, the inanimate object was emerging victorious.

Everyman: Don't worry Gazonga Jugs, we're sure you'll get something great for Christmas!

Matsumoto: *sniff!* You're a true friend, Ahnold! *thrusts saké bottle into his hands* Wadaya say, just like old times? *hic!*

Everyman: ...GOD BLESS US EVERYONE, BITCH!

So after our traditional drinking session with Thunder Jugs, we went off to find the other person here we could always count on in this place.

Quincy: *squeak!*

Everyman: And they just do that in _public_?

Quincy: *squeak!*

Everyman: And they make sure people are _watching_?

Quincy: *squeak!*

Everyman: Man, I had no idea street performers could be so...esoteric!

Rukia: I don't think I'm entirely comfortable with you talking with my mouse all the time.

Everyman: Oh hai Rukia! How goes the deviancy? *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device* Spare no details!

Rukia: I am _not_ a sexual deviant! Seriously, do I look like that kind of person?

Everyman: Do you _really_ want us to answer that?

Rukia: ...Never mind then. *sighs dejectedly* Fine then, ask your questions...

Everyman: *squees* OK then! *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device...again* So tell us about some of your latest conquests!

Rukia: For the last time, I'm not a deviant; I don't have any "conquests", I'm not clinically insane, and I most certainly don't give favors of a sexual nature! Ichigo is the only person I'd ever do those things to anyways, and-

Everyman: _Reeeeeally?_

Rukia: *realizes too late* Oh _crap_...

Everyman: So exactly what kind of depraved, messed up things _do_ the two of you do?

Sensing that the diminutive policewoman didn't want to answer any more questions about her kinky preferences (Mostly because she took out her gun and started putting bullets in it! Seriously, wasn't she the one who didn't want any violence this time?) we went off in search of our next-

Tatsuki: Stay the [censor] away from me, Slimeball.

...Christmas is good to us!

Everyman: That's "Slimeball(s)" if you please!

Tatsuki: You do know you're only one person, right?

Everyman: ...We'd hit you for that blasphemy, but we know you'd destroy us for that and we'd like to keep our spleen where it is!

Tatsuki: And you're damn lucky I'm not allowed to seriously hurt you tonight too!

Everyman: *sighs blissfully*

Tatsuki: So what clearly loaded questions are you going to inflict on me this time?

Everyman: Everyone's just being so willing this time! OK then, *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device*, have you seen the light and declared your undying love for Chizuru yet?

Tatsuki: … *lifts Everyman high*

Everyman: But you said you wouldn't do us harm!

Tatsuki: *grins evilly* _No,_ I said I wouldn't _seriously_ hurt you.

Quickly moving to the next room, we find ourselves back by the Christmas Tree (Matsumoto was passed out on the floor snoring) where the Kotetsu sisters were sitting on the couch together; Kiyone helping her older sister sit upright after her weird fainting spell earlier.

Everyman: Hey guys, whatchya _doooo_in'?

Kiyone: Trying _not_ to remind my sister about what made her faint.

Isane: *woozily* I remember something about...plumbing?...

Everyman: You mean that rumor I mentioned about Nel Poledancing?

Isane: *spit takes again, faints*

Everyman: Wow, she must have really active spit glands!

Kiyone: Isn't there something we can do to get you out of our hair?

Everyman: *dings* Well now that you mention it...!

Kiyone: Oh [censor]...

Everyman: *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device* Give us some of your thoughts on your incestuous, lesbian relationship, would ya?

Kiyone: *taking drink, spit takes* WHAT!?

Everyman: Wow, you two really _are_ related!

Kiyone: Why would you even think our relationship is like that?

Everyman: Well, we've since realized that we were wrong last time when we _confronted_ you about your psychopathic urges. And that fact we made up was false, then the exact opposite must be true!

Kiyone: ...methinks something smells rotten in the state of your logic.

Everyman: Oh, logic and I split ways eons ago! So...are you _seme_ or _uke_?

Kiyone: *faints*

Everyman: ...See six lines previous!

Since the (still unconfirmed) Immoral Sisters interview panned out, we left in search of another victim to- ...Did we say _victim_? We _clearly_ meant "willing participant", yeah, totally...

And we found one when we ran into Mr. Shiny Bald Man himself, Ikkaku Madarame!

Everyman: ...BOO!

Ikkaku: [censor]! *spit-takes*

Everyman: *wipes liquid off face* Wow, that was some good distance! You're not related to the Kotetsu sisters, are you?

Ikkaku: What is your obsession with harassing us all the time?

Everyman: Because it's fun! (And my job is kind of on the line!) Now, we already asked Yumi-chan about it, but... *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device*, care to give us your thoughts on the _Ménage à trios_ with Szayel Aporro?

Ikkaku: WHAT!?

Everyman: Yeah, the one with you, Yumi-kun, and Szayel-

Ikkaku: I'M [censor]ING STRAIGHT!

Everyman: You sure? Cause these _clearly_ doctored pictures we have of the three of you say _otherwise...!_

Ikkaku: Lemme see those! *swipes pictures* ...It's just a bunch of hot naked chicks with our faces clumsily taped on them.

Everyman: Well _duh!_ Like I'd want to look at a bunch of dudes' junk while I made these!

After Ikkaku "confiscated the photo for evidence", we poked our noses around the rest of the station, uncovering many little tidbits that we filed away for later use!

Eventually, we found Ichigo and Nel, looking through Christmas movies (presumably for the rest of them to watch later).

Everyman: We recommend getting some new movies; those ones suck!

Ichigo: I don't suppose you'd be willing to pay for them yourself, would you?

Nel: Nel hath thome money she wath saving forw a wainy day.

Everyman: Judging by the tips she purportedly gets, we can believe it!

Nel: Nel still doesn't know what you'rwe talking about.

Ichigo: You're still going on about that?

Everyman: We will pursue the truth (that we made up!) until our dying breath!

Ichigo: Your dying breath will come sooner than you think if you keep spewing libel about Nel.

Everyman: Oh, you have no fear of that! Besides, we're much more interested in you right now!

Ichigo: ...I have a bad feeling about this.

Everyman: You probably should! Now, *leans in really close and pulls out a recording device*, there've been rumors of you randomly spewing out perverted things you'd like to do to Rukia. Have you actually done any of them?

Ichigo: WHAT!?

Everyman: Come on, you can tell us!

Ichigo: I do not have that problem!

Nel: *hesitantly* I dunno Itsygo, you do seem ta blurt out awkward tings sometimes...

Ichigo: I do no such thing THE HELL I DO, HICHIGO! THSE IDEAS ARE ALL YOURS, AND YOU KNOW IT! like that.

Everyman: ...you're hypocritical!

And after getting a delightful jog around the station at Ichigo's suggestion (he followed right behind me to make sure I didn't falter), we found ourselves back where we started, with the rest of the KPD conveniently gathered there for our pleasure!

Everyman: We like to thank you all for not killing us this time! And also for giving us all this lovely dirt! *hugs pots of dirt* My window garden is sure to thrive now with this stuff! ...Oh and also for the juicy little scoops we got!

Tatsuki: *grumbles* I hope you rot in hell.

Everyman: And a Merry Christmas to you too!

Rukia: *hangs head* I knew the "No Violence" thing wasn't gonna last...

Ichigo: Don't feel bad, maybe hanging out and making Christmas Cookies with my sisters will make you feel better.

Rukia: You know, I think it would! *realizes something* But won't your father bug us the whole time?

Ichigo: Nah! He has his own "traditions" he does while we're baking.

Everyman: OOH! What kind of "traditions"?

Ichigo: Oh, you'll probably love them. *gets idea* In fact, if you promise never bother us with stupid crap like this ever again, I'll let you tag along and hang out with old Goat Face.

Everyman: HOT DAMN, SOLD!

Renji: I think that's the best gift you've ever given us, Carrottop! *slaps Ichigo on the back*

Kiyone: Finally! I can watch my soaps in peace!

Tatsuki: Well it's not as nice as if you'd taken a contract out on _Chizuru_... but it's still cool.

Nel: Nel still doethn't get it.

Isane: *now recovered* Don't worry honey, you'll never have to.

Matsumoto: I'll miss you, Ahnold... *hic!*

Everyman: Aw don't worry milkbags, I'll stop by every now and-

Everyone: *sans Matsumoto* NOOOOOOO!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And that's how the Karakura Police Department saved Christmas!...or at least their public image, anyways. _

_Well, as of this posting I've officially given you one new chapter every two weeks straight for an entire year! WooHoo! Man does it feel good to do that! _

_Anyways, this is the last chapter you can review for the "Best Review" contest, so bring your A-game people! Submissions are officially closed as of Dec. 31, 11:59 PM, and the winner will be unveiled in the next new chapter after that. (I'm not being anal about posting every two weeks in 2013, because of other projects I'm working on and a bunch of clean-up editing, but I'll try not to let it go any more than a month between new chapters, so you'll still be getting stuff.) _

_In the mean time, have a Happy Christmahanakwanzaka, kids!_


	78. In the flesh

_THE BALLOTS ARE NOW CLOSED, PEOPLE! Any reviews that get posted now, ever for the last couple chapters, will not be counted for the Funniest Review._

_Anymuzzen. The last chapter was written like Arthur C. Clarke again. You know, the guy who wrote 2001: A Space Odyssey? The book that got made into a boring ass movie? Yeah, that Arthur C. Clarke. _

_Still, I suppose it's better than writing like Stephanie Meyer, or that fangirl (boy?) who wrote Fifty Shades of Grey, that's for sure. _

_I strangely can't think of anything witty to say here, so why don't we just on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"...so then the producer asks the guy what the act is called, and the guy says, 'The Aristocrats'!"

…

Someone coughed.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"Why isn't anybody laughing?"

For those of you who haven't picked up on it, Ikkaku was telling another of his stupid jokes again.

...What? He does that sometimes.

Anyways, everyone just stared at him blankly.

"I don't get it," Nel said, tilting her head to the side quizzically.

"And you never will!" Isane erupted, recovering enough after she heard Nel ask her question. She turned to Ikkaku, "Where did you even learn something like that?"

"I just made it up the other day," he shrugged, "I was going to tell it to Kenpachi the next time I saw him, but I thought I'd try it out on you guys first."

"Dude," Tatsuki said, "I've seen stuff that makes ordinary people wince, and even _I_ think that was too much."

"*hic!*" Matsumoto hiccuped.

"I wish I just stayed in bed today like I originally planned," Renji moaned. "It would have been preferable to hearing _that_..."

"I think I'm gonna be sick..." Rukia said, doubling over.

Fortunately, before we could dwell on Ikkaku's questionable taste in humor, then telephone rang.

They all made a dive for it, leaving Ikkaku and Nel standing in the dust.

After a few minutes of dog-piling Rukia emerged victorious with phone in hand.

"AH!...Hello?" she asked.

"_Is this the Karakura Police Department?"_ a sciency voice said on the other end of the line. _"I'm pretty sure this is the number Matsumoto-san gave me, but-"_

"Arakawa-san?" Rukia asked, trying to wriggle our from under the other cops.

"_In the flesh!"_

"Cool, so how've you be-"

"_No, I mean I'm _literally_ in a bunch of flesh right now; I was in my lab doing some cultures for a new viral strain one of the other virologists accidentally developed last week, and long story short, 3/5 of the room is now covered in a bunch of clone vat flesh."_

"Oh..."

"_No one else wants to come in and rescue me, so...if you guys wouldn't mind...?" _

"Sure, no problem," Rukia said, hanging up the phone. By now she was free from the impromptu Dog Pile. "Hey Isane, do you know how to get to the place Arakawa works?"

"No, but maybe Momo does," the medic said, taking out her address book and flipping through it for her friend's number.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Thirty minutes later the bumbling police officers were at the college where Arakawa's lab was located. And by officers I mean Rukia, Ichigo, Renji, and Isane.

"Nice building," Ichigo commented as they arrived out front of the Science building. "Nicer than the one I went to at any rate."

"What do you mean?" Isane asked.

"Yeah, I thought you told me you father paid for your college education," Rukia said.

"He did, some crappy community college," Ichigo pouted. "Apparently, my education isn't _nearly_ as important as putting in a wine cellar that makes countryside villas in Italy jealous."

_Hint_ of loathing there, me thinks.

"This reminds of my time in college," Isane sighed, reminiscing of her past. "...I was hazed a lot."

"Can't be as bad as Hanatarou's college life," Renji said.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hanatarou: *understandably hesitant* So...all I have to do is run through the girl's locker room naked and I'll be a part of the fraternity? _

_Renji: Yup! We all had to do it, so it's only fair that you go too! *Kicks Hanatarou through doors* Hehe...we never had to do this..._

_Hanatarou: *is spit back through doors, covered in bruises and welts* Mommy... *faints*_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"We went to the same college," Renji explained when he got questioning looks from the others, "though I didn't find that out until after we'd both joined the force."

"You guyth knew each uhver?" Nel said, her head suddenly popping out of Isane's satchel.

"AACK!" Isane cried, dropping her ("Ow!") satchel, "How did you get here young lady? I saw you coloring when we left the station."

"Dat's what you _tought_ you thaw," Nel explained, "but it was _weally_ a clone made out of shadow energy. It pwobabwy disapperwed by now."

"I don't know if I should be impressed because you can do that, or mad that you tagged along without permission," Ichigo said.

"Shouldn't we be worrying more about Arakawa-san and the meat room?" Rukia asked.

"Good point," Ichigo agreed, and headed through the front door of the colle-

He rushed back out and shut the door immediately, backing against them to keep them closed.

"We're gonna need hazmat suits," he said simply.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I don't think I've had any Hazard training," Rukia said, her voice slightly muffled from inside the suit.

"As long as you can get past the ugly yellow," Yumichika said in a suit of his own, "it's really rather easy."

"Thanks for bringing the suits, by the way," Ichigo said to Kiyone as he finished suiting up, "I didn't even know we had these things lying around."

"Neither did I," said Kiyone, unsuited, "I was just looking in an old storage room next to the micro-climate the other day and found them."

"Well," Tatsuki said, rubbing her hands together eagerly, "this day ain't getting any younger, let's do this thang!" She then kicked the door open, running through before it swung closed again.

The rest of them just stood there, staring at the door.

"Shouldn't she be wearing a suit?" Rukia asked hesitantly.

"She's Tatsuki," Yumichika said dismissively, "she'll be fine."

"_Well?"_ Tatsuki's voice came over the radios in the suits, _"you slackers coming or what?" _

"She's right, there's no point waiting around," Ichigo said, "Let's do this." He grabbed the door handle, counting down on his fingers from four.

When he got to zero he yanked the door open and gestured rapidly for Rukia and Yumichika get inside. They rushed in and he followed, them, slamming the door shut behind him.

Inside it was like a whole different world.

Which, considering who we're dealing with, isn't as impossible as you'd think.

"There's flesh over the walls," Rukia noted, "and the floor and ceiling too."

"It's _disgusting_," Yumichika said, wrinkling his nose. "What kind flesh is _yellow_?"

"Because _that's_ the worst thing about this situation..." Ichigo said sarcastically. "Seriously, how did it get like this so fast?"

"Well, however it did, logic says that if we destroy the source then all the growth should stop," Tatsuki said, peeking around a corner with her shotgun. (She had a light fixed to the end of it.) "This hallway's clear, c'mon."

Deeper and deeper into the Eldritch abomination that consumed the building they trekked, keeping an ear out for sounds of anyone for might still be trapped in the building.

"Was the building this big on the outside?" Rukia wondered.

"It's probably an optical illusion," Yumichika said, shinning his light around the hallways. "Colleges like to make their buildings look artsy. It was one of the things I most admired about the whole concept when I went."

"What did you major in?" Kiyone asked.

"Hair styling," he said simply.

"Then how'd you become a police officer?" Rukia wondered. "Or more like 'why?'."

"I think this is the room," Ichigo said, wiping off a plate on the door that said "Virology".

"Arakawa-san," Tatsuki called, pounding on the door, "you OK in there?"

"_I'm still alive in here, if that's what you mean,"_ the bland looking scientist said from the other side. "_I'd open the door for you, but something's grown over the door handle and it snapped at me when I tried to get near it before."_

"Don't worry about a thing," Kiyone called back, "once Tatsuki breaks the door down I'll deal with whatever it is on the door handle." She back up and gave Tatsuki the go-ahead to bust down the door.

"Better back away," Tatsuki called, aiming her shotgun at the door.

"Um," Yumichika said, holding up his finger, "isn't there a more elegant solution to-"

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" she female Bruce Lee shouted, pulling the trigger.

The door flew back into the room.

"...Or that, that works too."

"You're actually surprised?" Tatuski asked, looking back at the girly man before rushing into the room.

Ichigo, Rukia, and Kiyone were staring at him with looks of "...Really?".

"Let's just see if Arakawa-san is OK," he huffed, following his trigger happy comrade into the room.

In the middle of the room was a blob of flesh, with a human [female] arm and leg sticking out of it. (They twitched occasionally.)

"Honestly," Kiyone said as she stepped into the room, pointing at the blobulous mass, "I wasn't expecting that."

"Can she still breath in there?" Rukia asked worriedly, flitting about the blob, trying to find where the brainy lady's head was.

"She could have at least gotten encapsulated in that stuff with more dignity," Yumichika commented.

From inside the meat blob, Arakawa said something that was probably close to "Get me the hell outta here already!", only more muffled.

"Oi Yumichika, you didn't happen to bring that fancy-ass sword of yours with you, did you?" Tatsuki asked.

"Off course not!" he scoffed, "Like I would _ever_ bring my beautiful Ruri'iro Kujakuto a sub-par communal learning center like this!"

"It is not sub-par!" Arakawa cried, suddenly bursting out of the blobulous meat mound, covered in meat juices, "I'll have you know that this place is in the process of being considered for the Ivory League!"

"Was that you plan Tatsuki?" Rukia asked.

"Nope, I was just gonna chop her out," Tatsuki said, legitimately surprised at the turn of events, "I had no idea this would happen."

"Well, Isane's gonna be happy to know her friend's safe, at least," Ichigo said, making for the door out. "We should probably get some cleaning crews in here to get rid of all this mess."

"I couldn't agree with you more," Arakawa said, taking two seconds out of her sissy slap fight with Yumichika to agree with Ichigo, "the number's on the wall by the door."

"Good," Yumcihika sighed, "Then I'm going to get out of this unflattering outfit." He then turned and headed out the door, stripping his H-suit off as he went.

"Hey Isane?" Kiyone said into her radio, "We're gonna need you to call a number."

"_OK,"_ Isane said, _"what number do- NEL! What have I told you about starting gambling rackets?"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_You know what I think? I think Isane should just let Nel set up her racket. I mean think about it, with that going on the station could finally get enough revenue to finally do something about the micro-climate, or even the upstairs bathroom. Hmm...I wonder which is the more serious concern...? _

_Anyways, welcome to another year of Cold Fuzz! Anyways, the theme for this year is Story Arc! I figured they're about due for another, since this past year was pretty much just one shots and a couple two parters. You probably already know my stance on spoilers, but I can tell you that the KPD are in for their biggest challenge yet! _


	79. The Empire Strikes Out 1

_Hello hello, boy and girls! Layman here, with the next leg of the Cold Fuzz saga! ...And also the winner of the Funniest Review contest! Well, the turnout wasn't as big as I'd hoped for, but I still got takers. And the taker that got me to chuckle for the longest is...Ragnarok Warrior! Congrats, crazy guy! Let's take a look at which line of his won, huh?_

"_'__GOD BLESS US EVERYONE, BITCH!' This actually made me wonder what it would be like if A Christmas Carol had this line, said by a crippled 8 year old. _

_Needless to say, that line of thought ended in book burnings.__"_

_And your prize is that you get to think up a whole chapter of Cold Fuzz for me to write! (To be premiered at the three year anniversary in April.)_

_Oh, and before I forget, it's my birthday today! (Jan, 13) Yay me! This mean's I'm another year older and a little less sane. If you want to leave a well wish in a review or a PM go right ahead, but please don't just say things like "Gr8 chapter, LULZ1111111" just because you think it's what I want to hear on my birthday, I'm not that shallow. (I also encourage everyone to be creative in any review they give; it means a lot to hear your actual thoughts on specific things we wrote than just a "LOL".)_

_Well, the last chapter was written like Cory Doctorow again, so I guess I must be doing something right somewhere. _

_Anyways, I think there's only one true way to start the new year off. So say it with me now; on with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Prison sucked.

At least, that's the belief Gin Ichimaru firmly held after being on the wrong side of the bars for far longer than he ever had before. Ever since that disastrous blind date with that ended with him being forcibly subjected to a middle-aged man singing horrible bubblegum pop songs that may or may not have been sung by a guy (the jury gave up on that years ago and just decided to marathon the Christopher Nolan Batman movies instead). It was the worst, most horrible experience of his life, and he doubted anything else could ever-

Someone started playing "Friday" by Rebeca Black.

Gin grabbed his ears and began screaming in agony.

Suddenly (and mercifully) the horrendous song was cut off in a record scratch, which was weird because he was pretty sure that the PA system was completely digital; in fact, he was pretty sure there wasn't even a tape player anywhere in the complex.

His (thankful) reprieve was short lived, however, when he heard gunfire erupting from down the hall from his cell. This piqued his interested since he was pretty sure this kind of thing didn't happen often in prisons, if ever, on account of him never being in one for more than two weeks max.

"Excuse me," he said, sticking his head out of the bars and sticking his finger out questioningly, "what's going on?"

"Get back in your cell!" a passing guard called as he jogged passed the cells, looking very much like he wanted to be anywhere else in the world but here. (And not in the way the guards usually did either.), "if you're lucky, he won't see you."

"Who won't see me?" Gin wondered. The guard stopped, unfortunately recalling why he was running in the first place.

"Scary..." was all he said, suddenly curling into the fetal position.

Just then the door at the end of the hallway exploded inward, flying into the guard and sending him hurling all the way to the other end.

A zombified Aizen strolled purposefully up to Ichimaru's cell.

"I must say, I honestly didn't think I'd ever see you again," he said cheerfully.

"That's probably because you killed me when you launched your coup to take over the organization," he said mirthlessly, almost out menacing Byakuya.

_Almost._

"Yeah, no hard feelings about that, right?" the white haired man said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

"And then you buried me and had this prison built on top of my grave," the recently undead crime boss added.

"Well that explains why you're here now," Gin realized, "and why I've had this weird feeling of Deja-vu ever since I got here." He regarded Aizen, "...but not why you have these new magic powers of destruction."

"This area used to be a sacred Indian burial ground," Aizen explained, snapping his wrist back into place.

"I didn't know there were any Indian burial grounds in Japan!" Gin was genuinely surprised at the revelation. "I didn't even know there were Indians in Japan for the matter."

"And you know my feelings on betrayal."

Now Gin was starting to worry.

"I don't suppose begging for my life would have any affect?" he attempted.

Aizen just stood there, emotionless.

"Yeah, that's what I though..." Gin sweatdropped.

"However, I'm going to need someone to help resurrect my organization, and you're the only one here that I know won't betray me again," Aizen said, a piece on his left cheek falling off.

"Hey if it means not dying then I'm all on board!" Ichimaru cheered. Aizen then thrust his hand towards the bars of Gin's cell, causing them to glow and then dissolve into thin air. "Nifty," he said. "say, you think we could stop by the women's prison first? There's something I need to pick up."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Checkmate!" Ikkaku announced, beaming proudly at his victory.

He and Yumichika were playing Tiddlywinks.

"Ikkaku," Yumichika sighed, "how does that even-"

"King me!"

"Ikkaku-"

"Uno!"

"Are you even listening to me-"

"Royal flush!"

Yumichika sighed, giving up; he hated it when Ikkaku got this way when he started losing. Tatsuki was elsewhere at the moment, so he went with the next best option that was immediately available to him.

"Kiyone," Yumichika called, "would you mind?"

"No prob," Kiyone said, coming over and bonking Ikkaku on the head with his own wooden sword.

"The hell, man!" he cried, grabbing his sword back and petting it tenderly, "Go steal your own stuff!"

"But why would I need to steal anything if I already own the thing I want to steal?" Kiyone wondered. "...or do you mean I should just steal from someone who isn't you?"

"As long as I can have a little piece and quiet I don't care what you steal, or who you steal it from," Yumichika said, abandoning Tiddlywinks and grabbing his MP3 player so he could listen to some soothing new age crap.

"Never mind," Mr. Shiny Bald Head huffed, stomping off to the downstairs bathroom.

A moment later the sound of flushing water was heard.

"I wish Tatsuki was here," Yumichika sighed as Kiyone tried to follow Ikkaku to inquire further as to what he meant before, "as revolting and uncharacteristic of me as it is, I wish there was some wanton violence happening; it's to boring.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"OK, I think we've done enough training for today, my young pupil," Tatsuki told Nel during another of their "secret training sessions", "Take '5', we'll resume the 'Boot to the Head' technique later." As Nel slumped onto a bench on the side of the room and toweled off, the female Bruce Lee turned to the criminal in the middle of the ring, "Thanks for your cooperation; are you rehabilitated now?"

The crook whimpered and shook his head vigorously.

"Then I'll put in a good word with the DA and see if you can't get out on parole." As the crook began prostrating himself at Tatsuki's feet, she rapped on the door and two prison guards came in and escorted the convicted [insert major crime here] beck to his cell. "So Nel, you up for another sparring match? I'll go easy on you and only you one foot."

"Actu'ly," the tiny tot said, "I kinda want tah welax for the west of the day." She sighed, "Not dat I don't wike dah twaining and all, but dere's not weally much else tah do."

"Yeah kid, I know what ya mean," Tatuski said, taking a seat next to the toddler, "I mean, there's not really any crime happening at all, if any." She leaned back, stretching, "I'm just that damn good!"

"You betchya!" Nel said, clapping her mentor on the back. Then she went back to her thoughts, wondering what her surrogate mother was up to.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"This is nice," Isane told Renji as she handed her menu back to the waiter, "it's rare we get a chance to go out by ourselves, isn't it?"

"I guess," Renji said, tugging at his collar uncomfortably. He glanced around, taking in all the vegans, ultravegans, super ultravegans, and ultra super ultravegans sitting around him, eating their grass.

No, I'm serious; everyone was eating legit grass.

"And it was really sweet of you to come here instead of that nasty fast food place you took us last time."

Renji winced, remembering their discussion earlier about where they should go to eat.

"It's not 'fast food', it's a greasy spoon diner, and they're a proud staple of Americana."

"But we live in Japan."

D'oh!

"I still like it."

Renji was struggling not to get mad at his girlfriend dissing his favorite eating hole.

"Your meals, sir and madame," the waiter said, having returned with their orders. He and another waiter presented the trays with a grand flourish, whipping off the lids with an equal measure of theatricality to reveal!...

Grass.

Yep, just grass.

"Mmm, it smells lovely!" the medic said, gently wafting the earthy _bouquet_ of the grass to her smelling holes, "Let's dig in!"

Renji was serious starting to reconsider the terms of this relationship.

_I hope Rukia and Ichigo are having a miserable time at that mountain spa they went to..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"_Aaaahhhh~!" _Rukia sighed, sinking a little further into the mud bath she was in, "I'm so glad you talked Ichigo and I into coming here, Arakawa-san."

"Oh, it wasn't any trouble," the smelly scientist said, waving it off from the adjacent bath, "No else ever comes with me on these things anyway."

Rukia didn't know whether to feel sorry for the poor woman, or side with her colleagues because of certain..."occurrences" that happened on the flight there. (Arakawa had a certain..."bodily episode" that caused the oxygen masks to pop down; the weird thing was that they weren't supposed to do that unless the cabin depressurized.)

"Well we're glad we could come along; Ichigo's been saying that he needed some time to sort his mind out, and that we needed a chance to have a date without the rest of the guys at the station interrupting us."

"Speaking of which," Arakawa interjected, "I didn't really understand his reason for coming here; something about...the voices in his head?"

"You mean Hichigo," Rukia explained, "According to Ichigo, he's his Id that sometimes pops up and says really inappropriate things." She sweatdropped, "The rest of us can only hear Ichigo's replys to these statements, but that doesn't make them any less awkward..."

"Well, I wish him luck for me, OK?" Arakawa asked, grabbing her towel and wrapping it around herself as she stood up. Almost immediately a noxious stench ripped through the room, causing a few other patrons to barf in their mud. However, as the criminally unwashed scientist left the room and closed the door behind her, the smell abruptly vanished.

"...Whatever," the petite policewoman shrugged, deciding to just enjoy the spa, and hoping Ichigo had luck in cleansing his mental demon.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"_So then I was like, 'Dude, I only paid for one!' And then he was like-"_

"FOR THE LAST TIME, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LAST VISIT TO THE STRIP CLUB!"

As we can see, Ichigo's doing rather well in his mediation classes.

And by "rather well", we mean "for [censor]".

"Um," the instructor said, holding up a finger hesitantly, "Mr. Kurosaki, could you-"

"And how the hell is that even possible, anyways? You're part of my mind. ...On second thought, I don't want to know." He then looked at the instructor, "Sorry about this; the voices wont shut up."

"Maaaaybe you should consider professional psychiatric help," the instructor suggest, "I don't think 'Meditation of Beginners' is enough to cure...whatever it is that's wrong with you."

"Tch, whe'ves," Ichigo scoffed, getting up. "I was only here because my girlfriend is in the mudbaths."

And with that Ichigo left the room.

"THE HELL AM I GONNA PEEP IN THE MUDBATHS SO I CAN SEE MY GIRLFRIEND NAKED!"

Fun fact; his voice carries.

That, and he was wishing for some of Rangiku's beer right about now.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Speaking of boobs- I mean Matsumoto...

"*hic*!"

She was down at the Snugly Duckling, passing the time while everyone else did other things.

Which meant drinking.

"Barkeep, *hic!*, anothur round!"

"You know, I have a real name," Ukitake sighed, refilling Matsumoto's glass. "I even had a sign made," he pointed above the bar to a sign that said "Owned by Jushiro Ukitake" that had his picture next to it, "but no, everyone always has to call me 'Barkeep'."

"Aw, don't veel bad, Mrs. Whitey," Matsumoto slurred, "at least nobody callz you 'barkeep' like they _dooo_ to Ukitake-taichou."

She was drunk, by the way.

"Yeah, at least..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And that's the start of this new arc for the KPD. What sort of grand (mis)adventures will those bumbling cops bumble into as this tale progresses? Tune in throughout the year to find out! (The next chapter is slated for sometime in February.) And check out some of my other stories in the mean time, please?_


	80. The Empire Strikes Out 2

_Aaaaand we're back! So, what kind of wackiness will our intrepid heroes (or at least what passes for heroes in this case) get into this time?_

_Well, read and find out! I ain't spoiling nuthin'! And on that note, who thought we'd seen a magical Zombie Aizen pop up? No seriously, show of hands, who thought that? I'm legit curious._

_So the last chapter was written like George Orwell, who wrote the book "Animal Farm". I've never heard of him or the book before, so nothing much to say about this one. It was a new name, at least._

_Oh, and Happy Singles Awareness Day everyone!_

_Well, let's get on back to the action so we can find out where this new plot leads then! On with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Prison sucked alligator _balls_.

At least, that's what Cirucci Sanderwicci thought as she rotted in jail- What? The script writer's on vacation and none of the other bozos on the production team could come up with anything better, so deal with it!

Now, where was I again?...

Oh right, I remember now; Cirucci was in prison and hating it.

"I hate this," she complained, flopping on her prison cot with all the grace of an elephant doing ballet. (And before you say anything, Betsy is touring the Broadway circuit as a chorus girl, not doing ballet.) "I mean, they could at least spring for some live entertainment or cards or some [censor] for us to do every now and then." She banged her head back on her pillow, "And on top of that the food SUCKS! Oh how I miss my Pizzeria that used to function as a front for my drugs and prostitute business!"

Just then the door from the end of the hall flew passed Cirucci's cell, prompting the goth lolita to jump up in surprise.

"What the [censor]?" she exclaimed as she stuck her head through the bars of her cell to see what the crap was going on. She looked to the left, the to the ri-

"Hi Pumpkin~!" Gin said, popping into the side of her vision. He waved a little.

"KYAAAAAAH!" she said, jumping backwards in fright.

She banged her head on the bars. ("Itaiiii!")

"Whoops," the white haired man said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head, "I guess that was a little abrupt, wasn't it?"

"What the hell are you doing here?!" she demanded, rubbing her head where it hit the bars tenderly, "I mean I'm glad to finally see you again and everything but _what the hell are you doing here?!_"

"Well I recently participated in a little jailbreak and thought you might want to get in on the action as well!" he said cheerily. "Besides, being cooped up for over seven months listening to nothing but terrible pop music has shown me what really matters; namely getting revenge on the people that put me in there, and I thought you might feel the same."

"Oh Gin-sama!" she cried, reaching out of the bars to hug him, "I do, I _do_ want to get revenge on those horrible, rotten _bitches _who_ threw me in this piece of crap, all women's prison and stopped me from getting the last of the whores of the old organization back so I could make Gin-sama proud of me when he finally got out of the slammer!_"

She was seething now.

"...So does that mean you'll come with me?" he asked hesitantly.

"You kidding?" she retorted, now back to her (relatively) normal calm, "Hellz yes! It's boring as all [censor] in- EEEEEK!"

Aizen stepped next to Gin.

A bit of his chin fell off.

"Oh yeah, and Aizen's a superpowered, magical zombie now," Gin said. He snapped his fingers, "I _knew_ there was something I was forgetting to tell you..."

"What the hell is he doing here!?" Cirucci demanded, pointing an accusing finger at the zombie crime boss in question.

"Well Sweetums," Gin started to explain, "he's going to resurrect the organization that you and I tried to take over, and he needs our help to do so. You know, on account of being a zombie and all."

Aizen's right arm fell off.

Gin turned to his undead boss, "You might want to have that looked at."

"That [censor]er couldn't even remember my name when I was working for him; no way in _hell_ am I ever-"

"You can get your revenge on the KPD."

"SOLD, BITCH!" the goth Lolita cried gleefully, hurriedly motioning for the two men to do something that would make her on the other side of the bars.

Fifteen minutes later the three of them were walking away from the smoldering remains of the prison, off to start recruiting other reprobates to their cause.

And to find someone to reattach Aizen's arm, that to.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"S'up, guys!" Kiyone said from behind her portable TV as Tatsuki, Nel, and Matsumoto walked in the front door.

"So how was your monthly indulging in the spirits, Rangiku?" Yumichika asked, putting a tiny, cricket length mirror in his cricket's cage.

"If you mean the booze then it was good," she said, sitting herself down at her desk, "Ukitachi-taichou seemed kinda depressed though, maybe Unohana-sensei should try changing his medication."

"Ith Isane back yet?" Nel asked, looking around.

"Not yet." Kiyone whacked her TV a couple times, "Damn thing isn't getting any reception..."

"Maybe I can help," Tatsuki offered, going to the Towheaded sister the their Medic, "What seems to be the trouble?"

"I can't get a picture to show on the screen," she said, gesturing to the screen in question.

Tatsuki reached over and flipped the "On" switch.

"Oh..."

"Hath anyone seen my cwayons?" Nel asked, tossing random crap out of a box that said "Nel's stuff. Property of Nel. _**DO NOT TOUCH EXCEPT FOR NEL!**_" on it.

Then the sound of flushing water was heard and Ikkaku stepped out of the bathroom, "Oh, you guys are back."

"Nel can't find her crayons," Matsumoto said from her desk, chewing on some bubblegum.

"I know dey were herwe before..." she said, now climbing into the box to search for her lost coloring implements.

"So how was the secret training session?" Kiyone asked, now fiddling with the tuning dial on the side of her TV, "You guys have fun?"

"It was OK," Tatsuki answered, since Nel was still engrossed in the Search for the Missing Crayons, "though I wish something would actually do something in this damn town so Nel and I could actually put these training sessions to good use instead of just helping out with the 'reform program' at the prison." She flopped down in her customary chair, took out a newspaper, and started chewing a piece of bubblegum. "Oh hey, the Tigers actually won a game this week."

"By the way, did Rukia call yet?" Matsumoto asked. The Strawberry Blond boob rack then went to her own desk and got out a nail file and a can of Beer beer.

"Nope, no one called yet." Yumichika said, tapping out some food for his cricket.

"She told us she'd call after they had dinner," Kiyone said, now trying to find a channel that got reception. "Dammit! Nothing's coming in!"

Tatsuki leaned over and extended the antenna, causing a picture to appear on the screen.

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"We're back!' Isane called, taking her coat off as she and Renji came through the door. She reached into her purse, "By the way Nel, you left your crayons in my purse the other day; I forgot about that until we were on our way back."

"Hot damn!" the little girl cried as she leaped at her precious crayons, only for Isane to pull them out of the way at the last second and cause her to flop on the ground ("Oof!").

"Young lady..." the KPD medic admonished, holding out her other hand.

To which Nel deposited some loose change. (More money for Nel's Isane appointed college fund!)

"So how was your date?" Ikkaku asked Renji, who had a huge, pasted-on smile on his face.

"_Really...really...great..._" he said through gritted teeth.

It was kinda creepy...

"O-kaaaaaaaay, backing away slowly now..."

"That bad, huh?" Tatsuki said.

"No no," Renji said, trying to sound more normal (and somewhat succeeding), "it was good, really. The food was good, and..._ green_...and tasty _IT WAS [censor]ING GRASS_!"

He was kinda...you know?

After a few more moments of awkward silence (and the sound of Kiyone flipping through the channels), and telephone decided that it needed to break up the silence and rang for everyone's enjoyment.

"Hello?" Matsumoto said, picking up the phone (since she happened to be the closest to a ringing phone). "Oh hi Rukia! What's up?"

Everyone immediately flocked around the receiver like hungry vultures. Matsumoto, having already knocked back a few "Beer" beers by now, didn't really care that much.

"_Hi Rangiku,"_ Rukia said on the other end, _"...and everyone else I know is crowding around the phone right now."_

Everyone who wasn't Matsumoto sweatdropped.

"So how's the spa?" Rangiku asked.

"_It's really nice; Arakawa-san's job must pay more than I thought if she can afford to take a trip like this. ...then again, she's usually only paying for herself." _

"How's Ichigo doing?" Tatsuki asked over Matsumoto's shoulder, "Conquer his demons yet?"

Just then _"WHAT THE [censor] DO I CARE ABOUT RUKIA'S PERSONAL HYGIENE SCHDULE? ...NO I DO NOT KNOW IF SHE'S MESTRUATING RIGHT NOW! THE [censor]IS WRONG WITH YOU?"_ could be heard on the other end of the line.

Ichigo's voice _very_ carries.

What's even _more_ impressive was that he was in a completely different building just then.

"_Not really..."_ Rukia said, the very sweatdrop clear in her voice. _"Though we're trying a session by one of the zen masters here, so maybe that'll do something." _

"Tell herw I thaid 'hi'!" Nel said, excitedly.

"Nel says 'hi'," Matsumoto said into the phone.

"_Tell her I said 'hi' too,"_ Rukia said, _"I have to go now; Arakawa-san is waving three tickets for a midnight showing of 'They Came For Uranus...And No, That Isn't A Clever Innuendo'. I'll see you guys soon, bye!" _

"Bye!" everyone called as Matsumoto hung up the phone.

And then the micro-climate spat out a baby hefalump, which trumpeted and went off in search of the elephant goddess 'Betsy' to learn the ways of the Trunk.

Nobody paid any mind to it. Frankly, it wasn't the weirdest that happened with the micro-climate.

Anyway.

"You know," Ikkaku said, "I think I actually have the porno version of that movie."

"Dare I even ask what it's called?" Yumichika drawled, knowing that he was probably going to regret knowing the answer.

"_'They Came For Uranus...And _Yes_, That _Is _A Clever Innuendo'_."

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

No one was really that surprised. (About the title, not Yumi-chan's cricket chirping.)

"I'd make a crack about you needing to get laid," Tatsuki looked over at Ikkaku tiredly, "but then you'd probably try to go out and actually get laid."

"Screw you! I can get all the bitches and phat hoes I want!" Ikkaku countered.

"Though why you would want them 'phat'..." Yumichika wondered under his breath.

"What'th a 'ho'?" Nel asked.

"Nothing you need to know about!" Isane quickly replied, hurriedly trying to usher Nel away from Ikkaku's [shamelessly] corrupting influence. "You have your crayons, go color!"

And then Nel poofed into her adult from, with barely a strip of cloth covering her, um...yeah...

Isane fainted.

"That's weird..." Nel said in a sultry voice, examining her adult body in confusion, "I didn't use my Sexy no Jutsu just now..."

"Now we can go drinking together!' Mellons- I mean Matsumoto cheered, thrusting a "Beer" beer into Nel's (now) grown-up hands.

Renji was by his girlfriend, trying to resuscitate her.

Ikkaku was (again) shamelessly staring at Nel's adult body, panting and drooling like a dog.

"Keep it in your pants, baka!" Tatsuki warned, slapping chrome dome upside the head.

"I suppose this means we'll have to buy a new wardrobe," Kiyone remarked, already missing all the money that would be getting allocated out of her weapons budget.

"Couldn't she just borrow some of my older clothes?" Matsumoto wondered.

Kiyone didn't think of this.

"Oh yeah..."

Then the wall exploded, Arnold Schwarzenegger standing in the wreckage.

"Knock knock!" he said in his thick Austrian accent, holding a SAW machine gun on his shoulder. "Anybody home?"

Matsumoto fainted.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Aaaaaand I think this is a good place to leave y'all on the edge on your seats. Also, updates might be coming a little slower than once a month after all._

_Aren't I evil? (Seriously though, I'm gonna take a little break from it so I can work on another project I neglected.)_

_Again, Happy Singles Awareness Day to everyone who thinks Valentine's Day is to commercial, and see ya next time for more cracktastic, corny, KPD fun. Bye!_


	81. We really need new walls

_Hey y'all, I'm back like Shady! (Sorry...) I hope you guys (and gals, I know you're out there) are still on your seats from the last chapter, cause we're cutting to a completely different scene to start this one off! _

_Oh don't worry, we'll get back to everyone else too, but this first. _

_Anywhatsen, the last chapter was written like J. D. Salinger, who was the dude who wrote the actual "Catcher in the Rye". _

_On one hand I've never read the darn book, but on the other it was responsible for how I came up with my first OC name, Ryan Catcher. (Geddit?)_

_Now that we're done with that, let's check in on Ichigo and Rukia. On with the crack!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"So, what did you guys think of the movie?" Arakawa asked the KPD's power couple as they all walked out of the movie theater.

"It was OK," Rukia said, sipping the last of her soda, "though it was kinda of hard to pay attention when Ichigo keeps shouting out things that I'd rather forget right nest to me."

"I was wondering why that usher threw me out of the theater before the first act was done," Ichigo said, chucking their empty wrappers boxes. "I think Ikkaku might have the porno version of it, though."

"Well I thought it was terrible," Mrs. Smelly said, "the science in it was _atrocious_! Bacteria doesn't even work like that, I should know!"

"That's why they call it _science fiction_," Ichigo pointed out, "you're supposed to allow your suspension of disbelief to kick in for things like this."

"Suspension of what?"

"Why don't we get something to eat?" Rukia suggested, hoping to avert a potential argument, "We're out anyway."

"As long as it's somewhere that doesn't serve vegetable," Ichigo said, "I'd rather not have Hichigo talking about about his varied and many sordid fantasies while I'm eating."

"You guys go ahead, I'm going back to my room to blog about how much the movie sucked." [Unintentionally] punctuating her goodbye with a little "_toot!_"

Immediately all the flowers in the general vicinity wilted and died.

After finding a service establishment where Ichigo was sure his "id" wouldn't cause him to say awkward things.

Reasonably...

OK, he was praying to every deity he knew that nothing would happen, in all honesty.

"So have you made progress in, what was it again? 'Taming your subconscious'?" Rukia asked over a plate of linguine.

Ichigo said nothing, merely letting his head droop in shame. A little storm cloud hung over his head, raining.

"Terribly sorry about this," one of the wait staff said, leading the cloud away with a cattle prod, "it's their breeding season."

Ichigo was still hanging his head shamefully, unaware of this.

"Going that well, huh?"

"It's just that everything I try, he always comes up with the most annoying and mentally scarring ways to counter it!" Ichigo bore his soul, "You have no idea how annoying it is to just...hear total nonsense all the time?"

In other words, a typical day at the KPD. (At least to Rukia, anyways.)

"I'm sure you'll figure something out," Rukia consoled, "...eventually?"

Yeah she had nothing.

"Thanks Rukia, that NO I AM NOT IMAGINING HER NAKED COVERED THAT LINGUINE SHE'S EATING! helps...a bit."

There was dead silence in the entire restaurant.

"...We should leave, shouldn't we?"

Rukia nodded mutely.

"You might want to consider leaving the area as well," the waiter said, "Would you like that packed to go?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"What are you doing here?" Tatsuki asked, "Did you finally defeat Stallone?"

"No," the beefy Austrian said, "I have not yet defeated the Italian Stallion. I came here to deliver a warning to you all!"

"It's not bad news, is it?" Ikkaku asked.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"When do we ever get _good_ news?" Kiyone asked rhetorically.

"Hi Arnold!" Nel called, waving at the Governator.

"Hey cutie pie," the Governator said in return.

"I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL!" Matsumoto cried, startling Kiyone as she popped back up ("Wagh!")

"Do not worry Toots, you are still my favorite policewoman," he consoled the large chested civil servant, winking.

Matsumoto squeed and fainted again.

"She should probably get that looked at," Arnold suggested.

"Didn't you have something you had to tell us?" Tatsuki said, trying to get things back on track.

"You're right, I did," he said, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket. He then took some glasses out of a case, put them on, and began to read (in his "Ahnuldy" way); _"Dear KPD, but I'm gonna be a little late today; my normal hair stylist was sick today so I had to go across town to my alternate one. Don't worry, I'll still drop by. Zaraki Kenpachi."_

For a moment no one said anything.

"...That's the news?" Renji finally quipped up, "To tell us that Zaraki is gonna be late- Hang on, does the message say why he was coming in the first place?"

Arnold scanned the letter again, "No, just that he'll be late, nothing else." He then crumpled the paper up and tossed it over his shoulder.

The sound of a cat yowling, glass breaking, and cars crashing (in that order) could be heard.

"Well, my work here is done," he said, heading out the wall he exploded in from, "but don't worry, _I'll be back!_"

And then he was gone.

"As much as I try, I just can't see what Rangiku finds so great about that guy," Renji commented, scratching his head perplex-

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Matsumoto demanded, spontaneously conscious again and trying scratch his eyes out for totally not worshiping her idol like she did.

"Woohoo, wait for me!" Ikkaku exclaimed joyously, grabbing his wooden sword so he could join in the brawl.

"So..." Nel(Big) said, ignoring the scuffle, "What do we do until Zaraki gets here?"

"I'd start by getting you a proper outfit," Yumichika suggested, "Though...finding things that go with green hair is going to be a little tricky..."

Just then the other wall exploded.

"[censor]dammit!" Tatsuki swore, "we really need to get better walls in this place."

"Hey guys!" Zaraki waved, standing in the wreckage. "Sorry I'm late; the traffic was a bitch coming from the Southeast side."

"Why do you keep breaking our walls?" Renji moaned, repeatedly banging his head against his desk.

"Well," the monster man started, "while I was at pussy, up-town hair salon waiting for the _stupid_ stylist to finish texting her damn _boyfriend_..."

_Hint_ of loathing there, me thinks. Just a bit.

"...I got bored and tried to strike up a conversation with the guy next to me."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Zaraki: *punches guy in the chair next to him* Hey. You. Converse. With me. Now._

_The guy next to him: *in prissy voice* You brute! *runs out of the salon still wearing that little bib thingy*_

_Orihime: *calls after running man* Wait, come back!...aw, he's gone._

_Zaraki: Ah, he seemed like a pussy anyways; I wouldn't miss him. *pauses, looking over Orihime quizzically* Didn't you used to work at Town Hall? _

_Orihime: *nods head* Yeah, they let me go about a month ago, but it's OK: Tatsuki-chan hooked me up with a job at the Precinct headquarters, I'm just here now filling in for a friend who called out sick._

__/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_

"Then she handed me this to give to you guys since I said I was going your way." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a huge manila envelope, tossing it at Kiyone.

"Aack!" the towheaded cop shrieked as she struggled to catch the folder. When she finally stopped fumbling with the envelope she saw that it was marked "HOLY [censor]ING [censor] READ THIS NOW YOU MORONS!" "I think it's important."

"What makes you think that?" Matsumoto asked.

She was summarily smacked upside the head by Yumichika.

"OK, my work here is done," Kenpachi said, heading out of the ridiculously large hole he made, "smell you pansies later!" And with that he left.

For a moment, no one said anything.

Yumichika's cricket chirped (in the most apropos instance yet).

Then Arnold rushed back in, gave Matsumoto a peck on the cheek ("Stay cool, Baby!"), and rushed back out.

Matsumoto fainted.

"Isane?" Tatsuki called tiredly. (Isane had just come to again.)

"Hai...," the medic said (equally as tiredly. Seriously, this was getting really old now...), trudging over to the unconscious blond boob bag to work her usual (unintentional) magic.

"Wait, no, let me guess," Ichigo said as he and Rukia came through the front door, "Kenpachi or Arnold, right?"

"Yeah," Kiyone said, genuinely surprised that Ichigo nailed it so fast, "both actually. How'd you know?"

"There are flaming tread marks outside and Isane's trying to revive Rangiku; not that much else it _could_ be."

He had a point.

"So why are the two you back so early?" Yumichika asked as they hung up their coats. "I thought you and the pungent scientist lady were staying at least another day before you headed home."

"...Let's just say we would have overstayed our welcome if we'd stayed longer," Rukia said hesitantly, not expounding on what she said. Then she did a double take, "Um, when did Nel transform?"

"Just before Arnold broke the first wall," Yumichika said, "we still don't know why or how it happened."

"Speaking of not knowing, shouldn't we open that envelope?" Tatsuki pointed out, holding up said envelope.

Yeah, everyone pretty much forgot about that.

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

Not waiting for anyone to prompt her, Tatsuki ripped the top of the envelope off in a single, fluid motion and dumped the contents onto her desk unceremoniously.

"It's a telegram!" Kiyone exclaimed, holding up a piece of paper which she then began to read, "Dear KPD STOP There have been prison breaks at the men's and women's penitentiaries STOP Gin Ichimaru and Crunchy Sandwich are among the escapees STOP They've- wait, what are you doing here? STOP Oh god no, not that STOP The pain, oh god the pain STOP Please, I'll give you anything you- gurk STOP Listen up, bitches STOP My Gin-sama and I are comin' for ya! STOP Yeah, to pay you guys back for throwing us in jail STOP And we got us a magical zombie Aizen with us, so start saying your prayers STOP Be by around noonish tomorrow STOP P.S. Gin-sama says 'hi', Rangiku."

Matsumoto jolted upright at this last part, causing Isane to ("Aack!") fall backwards in surprise.

"I'm guess this isn't good then," Kiyone said.

Everyone gave her "_duuuuh!"_ looks.

Somewhere, a violinist began playing the saddest piece they knew, but that's not important right now.

"So Nel," Rukia asked, thankfully breaking the awkward silence. Besides, she was still wondering why Nel was in her adult form, "are you practicing Nel no Jutsu or something?"

Nel shook her head, "I just poofed like this out of the blue; I don't know why it happened."

Isane looked over at Nel and fainted again.

Nel looked down at herself and sweatdropped. "I should probably put on more clothes..." she said sheepishly. (Yay alliteration!)

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Once Nel was garbed in better clothes (one of Matsumoto's spare uniforms) and as soon as Isane came to again, everyone reconvened in the kitchen to discuss their battle plans.

"Well guys," Renji said morosely, sitting at the the head of the table (it was round and he was sitting in an office chair), "the day that we've all been dreading has finally come."

"The [censor] are you talking about?" Tatsuki asked, "Since when have we been dreading an attack from a resurrected crime boss with super magical powers along with his creepy henchman and said creepy henchman's girlfriend?"

"That seems like an oddly specific thing to dread," Rukia pointed out.

"This is the first _I've _heard of it," Yumichika said, "almost as if you're just trying to be dramatic."

Renji had turned all the lights off and it some candles in their place, and he was shining a flashlight under his chin.

Everyone murmured in agreement.

Renji pouted like an angry four year old.

"I think we should take this threat seriously," Isane cautioned, "Even if the stuff about Zombie Aizen was a lie, there's still the two people who have a grudge against us. We really should take precautions."

"I agree," Ikkaku said, unscrewing his head and pulling out a suitcase and heading for the door (after screwing his head back on, of course), "Smell you losers later!"

"Not so fast, Chrome Dome!" Ichigo reached out and grabbed Ikkaku by the back of his collar, preventing the Shiny Bald Head from escaping. "You're helping us fend this off!"

"Screw you, I'm heading to Cancun!" Chrome Do- Ikkaku protested, trying to run away (and wearing a hole in the floor while he was at it).

"But we need you!" Nel whined, trying to use her [over-abundant] feminine whiles to convince Ikkaku not to run off like a pussy.

Ikkaku was sweating profusely, using every last ounce of his willpower to resist (that and Isane was _very glaring_ at him, that helped to).

"Look," he finally said, "I'm kind of a coward, and as a self-respecting coward, I'm honor-bound to always save my own skin, even if it means-"

"So you _don't _want to hit people and make stupid one liners?" Matsumoto wondered, cocking her head to the side curiously.

"[censor] no!" His behavior did a complete 180 as his body rushed to get his favorite (and only) wooden sword. He returned 2.7342 seconds later, "Bring 'em on!"

"Now that that's out of the ways," Kiyone said, "I'd like to make a motion." She did so, mimicking like was riding a horse (she even did a lasso twirl). When she was done with that, she sat back down. "Now I think we should address the issue of-"

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM! sounded from the main entrance, preempting any further discussion.

When they rushed out to see what damage was caused, they were greeted by empty space. Well, you know, except for a couple of support beams that held the place up; otherwise, there weren't any walls around (not counting the one behind them).

In the ruins of the front door, Gin, Cirucci, and a zombified Aizen stood.

"Hiya, bitches!" Cirucci said, "Guess who!"

Aizen's nose fell off.

"Well," everyone said in unison, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-"

_To be Continued..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, it's the beginning of the end now, folks. Despite a lot of kicking and screaming, Cold Fuzz is coming into the final stretch. Finally, after three years, I've run out of ideas to keep my baby afloat. _

_But it shall not go quietly into this dark night! (Heh heh, literary reference!...) No, if it has to end, then it's ending with a [censor]ing bang! And I can't think of a better way to send it off than to have everyone play a part in creating the finale! So, if you have anything you still want to see happen with the KPD (and friends), tall me what it is in either a Review or a PM (if it needs some explaining). I give you my word I'll do my best to fit as many ideas as I can into the finale. _

_And with that, I bit you good tidings until next time! (At the very least another month so y'all can get your suggestions in.) _


	82. It just got worse

_The last chapter was written like Cory Doctorow, author of the Hunger Games-esque Little Brother and sequel, Homeland, now available. _

_Well folks, this is it, the beginning of the end. Once I wrap up this little mishap, I'll be all tapped out of ideas for this baby. It's been three years and a lot o' laughs, and a really great bunch of fans, even if not every one leaves a review. But, as a great writer and theologian once said (C.S. Lewis), that writing is like a water tap; eventually the flow will stop, and trying to write more will just be forced. (Or something like that; I was paraphrasing a bit.)_

_So, I'ma gonna give it my all to make sure this thing has the bestest, most ballz to the wall cracktastic finale EVAR. _

_And with that knowledge, ON WITH THE CRACK!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

When last we left our intrepid heroes (_*snerk!*_) they had just been confronted by two wannabe crime bosses and one actual crime boss who became a magical zombie that had trouble keeping his extremities from falling off.

Let's see how they're doing, shall we?

"-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

...yep, seems normal to me!

"Remember us?" Gin said once everyone had finished their expletive, "We decided that since we all hated you so much, we'd make sure you would live long enough to see our reign of terror."

"Except for Aizen here," Cirucci stated, putting Aizen's nose back on, "he just want you out of the way so you guys won't give him any trouble once the Empire of Crime is up and running."

Everyone didn't really care that much, they were too busy staring at the ever decomposing Aizen.

Renji was banging his head against the last remaining wall, wishing that people would stop breaking their [censor]ing police station!

"So yeah, if you'd all kindly off yourselves it'd save us a lot of ammo that could be wasted on more important dead meat," Cirucci continued offhandedly as she finally attached his nose again-

His right earlobe fell off.

"[censor]DAMMIT!"

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away (or at least that's what it felt like), the KPD were finally starting to get over their shock at seeing Zombie Aizen. ...and Renji was starting to feel himself lose memories.

"So, Aizen's a zombie now?" Kiyone asked.

Everyone stared at her dumbly, and Gin sweatdropped. (Cirucci was fuming about Aizen's extremities continually falling off.)

"What was your first clue, Sherlock?" Ikkaku demanded.

"Don't be to hard on her, Ikkaku," Yumichika scolded his hetero-life parter. ("Gee, thanks Yumi-") "You can't expect a _monkey_ grasp something as shocking as this right away-"

"I'M NOT A MONKEY!"

Ichigo, Rukia, Isane, Tatsuki, and Nel all hung their heads in shame at the Three Stooges' antics.

Matsumoto drank more Saké.

"Anyways..." Gin said hesitantly, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly, "We'll be killing you now, since it's clear you're all too dumb to off yourselves." He drew a small Wakizashi sword behind his back, "OK, let's see what this 'Kamishini no Yari Shinso' does exactly..." He thrust the small blade forward, causing it to thrust forward right towards the startled civil servants.

Fortunately the brouhaha between Ikakku, Yumichika and Kiyone passed in front of the sword, causing it to bounce off Ikkaku's thick skull, Yumichika's heavy makeup, and shoot over Kiyone's short head, causing them all to freeze in place. (Ikkaku was suspended in mid air.)

"Damn...," Tatsuki breathed, starting at the blade lodged into the wall not three centimeters from a paralyzed (and shivering) Isane's ear, "didn't see that coming."

"*hic!*Matsumoto hiccuped.

"I'll be damned," Gin said before glancing over to Aizen, "these enchantments work well: I could get used to this!"

"Of course," Aizen said emotionlessly.

"I'ma try mine out!" the Goth Lolita (in white) announced, forgetting about her rampage and pulling out a giant yo-yo.

Everyone started giggling.

"Shut up!" she screamed, "Whadda you bitches know anyway? It could be even more dangerous than Gin-sama's for all you-"

Gin was using his sword to trace the Two And a Half Cops' outline.

Cirucci bonked the white haired man on the head, "What are ya trying to do, make me look bad?"

By this point the KPD had broken out a deck of cards to occupy themselves while the villains had their little tiff.

Aizen's left eye popped out of its socket.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Meanwhile, at 1313 Mockingbird Lane..._

"Nemu!"

"What is it Master Kurotschi?"

"Come help me with the Quasinutritional pudding/shoe-shine/mosquito ointment mixing machine, will you? The waffle iron got jammed in the fission chamber again and my H-suit is still at the cleaners."

As you can see, a typical day in the lab of a pharmacist who has an unholy talent for building questionable technology.

And, as usual, things were going less than smoothly.

"You do realize that your machines would be less likely to malfunction is you _didn't_ try to incorporate common household appliances into their construction?" Nemu asked.

"You _do_ realize that's I'm a pharmaceutical chemist with a perchant to experiment with said chemicals?" he countered.

He let the threat hang.

"...*sigh*, whatever," the melancholy maid eventually relented, holding a light up so her employer could see what he was doing. (She didn't have any wish to have eyeballs grow in strange places.)

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Now I bet you're wondering what that scene had to do with the one before it, or if it'll have anything to do with anything the rest of the story, right?

Probably not.

Now let's see what our villainous couple is up t- ...oh. Um...wow, I never knew it could bend like that...heh heh. So what say we check in with the KPD instead?

"Got any threes?"

"Go Fish. Got any jacks?"

"Hey, has seen my shoehorn?"

"I never realized having an adult body would be so..._heavy_. Hey Matsumoto, how do you make it look so easy?"

"Lots of *hic!* _Saké_!"

"-I'm just saying, we don't _always_ have to eat..._grass_, do we?"

"It's much healthier than the artificial non-food garbage you eat now, and I didn't want to say anything before, but...you've put on a little weight since the last check-up."

"She's right Eyebrows, you could stand to take more care in your appearance."

"If you need help, I could be your weight lose sponsor!"

"This isn't gonna turn out like it did with Rangiku, is it?"

Yeah, pretty much what they normally do, really.

"Hey!" Cirucci suddenly shouted at the intrepid civil servants (*snerk!*), Gin lying on the floor, bloodied and beaten, and Aizen trying to re-attach his left ring finger to his hand by himself, "Losers!"

"What is it?" Tatsuki asked offhandedly, not really giving the goth Lolita much thought anymore.

"Pay attention to us so we can properly destroy you!"

"But...aren't you the one who got distracted by beating up your boyfriend?" Nel asked.

Cirucci!...had to concede this was true.

"Yeah, well, um...DIE!" The pigtailed crime sub-boss launched at the female Bruce Lee, snapping her giant ass yo-yo at the cop.

"Hah! Your puny oversized novelty toy is no match for the technique that's been passed down through the Arisawa line for generations! Tatsuki Ultimate Attack: Dragon Super Kick!"

_She's using her "battle talk" again..._ Rukia sighed.

Tatsuki leaped at the "puny oversized novelty toy", her leg extended out before her, her boot covered in flames. (You know, like boots do when you perform epic kicks.) Her kick and the yo-yo collided...

And bounced off each other. The yo-yo collided with the wall, damaging it more than it already was.

Tatsuki landed gracefully, picking herself up and walking back to the others.

"Sugoi~!" Nel cheered, clapping her hands excitedly, "Teach me to do that!"

Huh, I guess there was still some kid in her after all.

"Sure thing, you're big enough now," Tatsuki said, "In the next Secret Training Session, right after the 'Therapy Time' with-"

CRACK! echoed through what was left of the building, followed by Tatsuki dropping to one knee and growling in pain.

"TATSUKI!" everyone yelled, rushing over to their injured comrade.

"Like it?" Cirucci held her weapon aloft in pride, "Not only does it make the enemy scratch their heads in confusion, thus enabling me to strike while they're off guard, but wherever it hits breaks the bone." She 'walked the dog' with her weapon, grinning with malice, "So...who's next?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"There, that should do it!" Mayuri announced, removing himself from the machine (and looking rather greasy as a result). "Now I can shine my shoes before I bunk down for the night."

"Of course, Prof. Kurotsuchi. Will there be anything else?"

Nemu was leaning against the Interociter (powered off to avoid any mishaps), and reading a book called "How to work for a (Possibly?) Cukoo Boss and retain your sanity".

"Actually, if you wouldn't mind tossing me that phial on the Interociter next to you; it's a sample of the prototype 'just add baking soda' insta-grow clones."

She was on Chapter 5.

"Hai," she said, quite literally tossing the phial to him.

As you can imagine, the [scary clown] pharmacist and a sudden and abrupt case of the butterfingers, causing the phial to fumble out of his hands and fall into the machinery.

"...Poopy," Mayuri said as everything began sputtering and smoking, all culminating in a-

SQUONKY!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_A little while before that..._

The KPD was running like balls away from a Goth Loli swinging a giant ass yo-yo at them and cackling maniacally.

"NYA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Cirucci stated, following the bumbling police officers around what was remaining of their HQ, "Come back here bitches, Uncle Cirucci needs some anger management!"

Kiyone had the [little] sense to point out "But wouldn't that be Aunt-" *Bonk!* "OW!"

"Run faster!" Tatsuki prompted.

"How are you keeping up with us?" Renji spastically asked, just then noticing that Tatsuki was running with her leg in a cast.

"You know," Gin said, finally recovered enough from the beating he received from his psychotic girlfriend, "as glad as I am that Cirucci isn't beating up on _me_ right now, shouldn't we take care of those buffoons so we can move on to the rest of the city?"

Aizen finally re-attached his problem finger, then turned his attention to his squinty-eyed Yesman.

"You're probably right," the undead crime boss said, flexing the offending digit ,"With the rate this body seems to be falling apart, speed is of the essence." He conjured up a relatively small fireball and threw it between Cirucci and the idiots (*cough* KPD *cough*!). "Sandwich, finish up with them so we can move on, I don't have all day!"

"You're not the boss of me, Boss," she shot back moodily, whining a little, "I'ma play with my new toys!"

"We're not toys!" Renji said indignantly, only to be ignored by the baddies.

"Sweetheart, your 'not boss' kinda has super magical power that could kinda kill us," Gin hesitantly reminded his crazy girlfriend.

"SO? I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions!" Cirucci stomped and pouted, puffing her cheeks.

The KPD collectively sweatdropped.

"If you don't cease your crazed rampage _this instant_," Aizen threatened, "I'm taking away your enchanted weapon privileges."

"Fine!" she spat after discharging the large breath she'd been holding, stomping over to her boyfriend and latching onto his arm.

"Now," Aizen turned to the KPD (while Gin frantically tried to get his GF to allow some circulation back in his arm), "Prepare to meet your doom, policemen...and women!"

"Don't worry guys," Nel said, stepping in front of the others and holding her arms out to shield them, "I can still take this guy on, I remember everything Tatsuki taught me; and now that I'm an adult, I should be at least _fifteen_ times stronger than when I was-"

Nel suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke, and when is dissipated, Nel was a child again, this time in comically oversized clothing.

"Uh..._nevwermind._"

"Well, we're boned," Ikkaku stated unceremoniously, soundly giving up.

Isane smacked him upside the head ("Ow!"), "Watch your mouth! There are children present!"

"Rukia," Ichigo held Rukia's hand, "I just want you to know, you're the best girlfriend I've ever had and I love you very much."

The diminutive policewoman drew him into a loving embrace, "Thank you..."

"Get a room!" Ikkaku sensitively suggested.

"Ahou!" Yumichika scolded, whacking his bald friend with an empty cricket cage (he grabbed the station pets at some point during the being cased, "At least die with some beauty for once in your life."

"My only regret is that I'm gonna miss my soaps," Kiyone said dejectedly, "I'll never know if Stacy and Carmichael end up getting together!"

"Isane," Renji said, "about you being my girlfriend...I just want to say that-"

Isane was ignoring him, to busy fretting over Young Nel and making sure she was decent.

"-Oh forget it!"

"I wish I had some bourbon," Matsumoto sighed, twirling around her beer can.

"Trade?" Tatsuki offered, holding out a hip flask, "I always keep some on me for emergencies."

Matsumoto grabbed the flask (tossing her beer at Tatsuki absently) and took a huge swig. "Is this really the end?" she wondered alound.

Sorry Matsumoto, but this is happening. Tough breaks.

"Aww..."

Since their lives would most likely be forfeit in a few seconds anyway, nobody really had the heart read her the whole "narrators don't actually exist" spiel again.

With the pleasantries out of the way, Aizen held his hand out toward the bumbling police officers, palm forward, and formed a tiny ball of energy.

"That's it?!" Ikkaku asked, utterly flabbergasted, "What're you gonna do, flick it at us?"

Aizen smirked at did just that, only he missed the KPD and nit the wall behind them.

There was no longer anything holding the rest of the building up, for the record.

Everyone glared at the Chrome Dome Cop.

"I hope you suffer," Ichigo growled just before the rest of the station crashed down on them.

When the dust cleared, only Aizen, Gin, and Cirucci were left, protected by a magical force field the zombie crime boss was projecting.

"Well," Gin said after a moment, "who's hungry?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Ahhhh...!" Revy Two-Hands sighed contentedly, sipping a mimosa on a beach in Acapulco, "This is the [censor] life, right Slave?"

She had strong armed (and by that, I mean she used her very strong arms to threaten) him into into being her manslave.

"Of course, Master," Hanatarou dejectedly agreed.

"[censor] right I'm right! Now, keep lickin'!"

Hanatarou was currently licking Revy's feet clean.

...the less said about her feet, or why he was doing it in the first place, the better.

Just then, her cell phone rang.

"_There's no feeling any greater than to, shoot first and ask questions later. Now I'm, Trigger Happy, Trigger Happy every"- _*boop!* "This is Revy, [censor] you for calling waddaya want?"

"_Two-Hands, this is Scarlet."_

"Oh hey bitch, what's up?"

"_I need you to meet me outside Karakura Town, something's come up."_

"Yeah, sorry, but I'ma pass on this one; I've just got too much on my plate at the moment and my schedule doesn't clear up for-"

"_You're in Acapulco, aren't you?"_

"Like I said, too busy. So [censor] you, but I'm not interested."

"_*sigh*, look, Fire Demon is in trouble." _

"And you know this..._how_?"

"_If you must know, I felt a disturbance in the Force, but it's kinda urgent, so please get your Daisy Duke clad butt over here and help out?"_

"...Fine, this place is boring as [censor] away." And with that, she hung up the phone. "Minion, stop a'lickin' and get a'packin', we're taking a road trip; Karakura Town, here we come!"

"But, isn't Japan an island? How are we gonna _drive_ there from Mexico?"

…

…

…

Yeah, big mistake.

"JUST [censor]ING DO IT, [censor]NARD!" she screamed, giving Hanatarou a royal boot to his face and sending him flying into the sea.

A couple seconds later a faint splash was heard.

"Now, where can a girl steal a [censor]ing boat around here?"

_to be continued..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, things certainly look grim for our intrepid *snerk!* heroes. But, it looks like some side characters are getting into the action, so bully for that I guess. Anywho, tune in next time to see how many pieces the KPD remained in (the lower the number, the better!). And if we're lucky, we'll get to see what Erza and Revy are up to._

_Also, keep suggesting stuff for me to use for the finale; there's still for more crack! (And to those who haven't seen their ideas used yet, don't worry this was just a set up chapter; there should be something for y'all in the next one though.) _


	83. The natural habitat of Scary Clowns

_So the last chapter was written like Cory Doctorow again. Dang, that guy is really popular with my writing style, idn't he? _

_Now that we've got that out of the way, welcome back to the Cold Fuzz Series Finale! When last we left off with the KPD they had apparently been crushed under their own police station, Aizen and Co. went out for lunch (and to look for a stronger adhesive for his extremities), and Revy was being a bad ass uber bitch like usual. _

_And _yes,_ I'm _perfectly_ aware of all the spelling errors in the last few chapters. I'll fix them eventually once I do a full scale overhaul of this fic. _

_Everyone caught up now? Good, ON WITH THE CRACK!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The first thing Rukia felt a dull pain all over her body. Which was kinda weird, cause the last thing she remembered feeling was Ichigo's hug right before the ceiling and the rest of the station fell on top of them.

So obviously her next question was "why was she still aware of things when she was probably(?) dead?" At least, she assumed she was dead, considering she had a whole police station dropped on her. And what about everyone else, did they somehow make it out alive? It was kinda sad, thinking that all her friends might now be dead like her; especially in Nel's case. Cause she still had so much left to live-

"ANSWER ME ALREADY YOU ADLEBRAINED, ADOLECANT SIZED LAWWOMAN!" a cultured (albeit _loud_ and alliteratively) British voice yelled in her ear, causing her to spazz around for a second before realizing who the voice actually belonged to.

"...Quincy?"

"Hello again, Miss Kuchiki," Quincy said, clad in his usual elegant smoking jacket, "It seems you and yours are in a bit of a pickle, are you not?"

Being apparently dead now, Rukia resisted with every fiber not to pose like the "Y U NO" meme and scream out "_REALLY!? What tipped you off, genius?"_ at him, and instead said "Yeah, a dead crime boss came back to life and dropped our police station on us."

"I thought so," Quincy said thoughtfully, rubbing his little mousey chin, "I tried to warn you about that sooner, but my DSL has bee a little slow lately and it's nearly impossible to make a connection with you without you being unconscious."

Rukia just stared at him blankly.

"Apparently he was the dire threat I've been warning you about all this time; just confirmed it beyond a doubt the other day."

Rukia's left eye twitched.

"...By the way," the mouse said, trying to change the subject before Rukia had an aneurism, "you and your friends are all fine; got pulled out at the last second before your headquarters squashed you flat, don't know by who though..."

Rukia sighed, glad she wasn't actually dead.

"Also by the way," Quincy added, suddenly smoking a pipe in a distinguished manner, "you were still banged up a bit before the teleport took hold, which is why you feel a little sore all over."

"Oh." She'd actually been wondering about that. "So...any chance I'll wake up soon?"

"Possibly," the mouse said, blowing a couple smoke rings, "though be prepared, you could wake up anywhere, and not every place is as safe as you police Station."

Which (considering what had just happened, the micro-climate, the upstairs bathroom, and the fact that they had to replace their walls practically every other day) wasn't really that much of a comfort.

"Well," he said cheerfully, skipping off through a suddenly appeared doorway, "pleasant wakings!"

And then he was gone, leaving Rukia standing alone in her mind.

It was emptier than she remembered.

Fortunately, a bright light started spreading over everything, so she was probably waking up now.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Rukia blinked her eyes open, wincing as the first things they met were bright lights staring directly at her.

Which is quite inconvenient when you're just waking up, let me tell you!

However, she couldn't shake the feeling of unimaginable dread that also accompanied her with her waking.

"Hello, _specimen_," a scratchy voice dripping with "the spookies" said.

Yup, it's everyone's favorite freaky pharmacist (heh heh, alliteration...), Dr. Prof. Mayuri Kurotsuchi.

And the distance between his face and Rukia's could be measured in inches.

Joy.

And it probably didn't help that the word "Dissection!" was flashing in his eyes as well.

Needless to say, Rukia did what she did best in times like these and-

"KYAAAAAAAAH!"

...that.

Fortunately Nemu was standing beside her employer [and pinching the bridge of her nose], so Rukia promptly leaped right into the pocket on her apron.

"Must you always do that when waking your patients?" the melancholy maid asked.

"Oh hush your mouth!" he said moving onto to the other policemen and women.

After the others had been summarily scarred for life, a few of them screaming "RAPE!" in the process... (Isane, Ikkaku, and Yumichika, to be precise.)

"Thanks for keeping your boss from dissecting us," Ichigo said after Prof. Kurotsuchi left to play with one of his inventions.

"_Hai..._" Rukia whimpered, now in Ichigo's pocket, her hand sticking out of the top of it.

"Yeah, how exactly did we get here anyway?" Kiyone wondered, "Last I remember we were about to be crushed by our own police station."

"We had a few...'mishaps' around the lab earlier," Nemu explained, "which I also wouldn't be surprised is the cause of Neliel here reverting to her child form."

"Huh," the tiny tot said, regarding herself briefly, "tho _dat's_ what happened..."

"To make a long story short," the maid continued, "the Teleportocinator got caught up in the mess and must have zapped you all here."

Everyone nodded, agreeing that this was the most likely explanation.

"You all might want to go through Decon before anything..._happens,_" she said, not elaborating.

Everyone made a mad dash for the nearest decontamination showers.

"It's that way." She pointed in the opposite direction.

Everyone immediately did a 180.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"So," Renji said after he and everyone finished drying their hair from the decon shower, "you were saying?"

No one had any extra appendages, FYI.

"Actually, I believe it is your turn to explain why you appeared in the state you were."

"Not much to tell really," Ichigo interjected, "Rukia and I had just gotten back from a little trip we took when two criminals we put away attacked the station with their undead boss."

Pretty strait forward, really.

"Is there booze around here?" Matsumoto asked, "Accidentally getting teleported always makes me thirsty."

"Do you get accidentally teleported often?" Kiyone asked, wondering how her large breasted comrade could gauge something like that.

"So I'm guessing things didn't go favorably," Nemu said, more as a statement of fact than a question.

Ichigo nodded morosely.

"[censor]DAMMIT!" Tatsuki suddenly screamed, having banged her injured leg on some brick-a-brack.

She calmly followed it up by destroying said brick-a-brack with her other leg.

"...perhaps I should get you all better accommodations," the maid suggested as the other police officers attempted to restrain the female Bruce Lee.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I must say," Gin said, walking around what remained of the upper floors of the KPD station, "this place sucks. They _really_ didn't do much to keep the place up."

Since lowering the building by one floor, Aizen, Gin, and Cirucci had been making themselves at quite at home, remodeling as they saw fit.

Gin was currently poking around the sleeping quarters, commenting on the various states the beds were in and guess which "cop" they belonged to. (He was specifically looking for Matsumoto's bed so he could desecrate and then burn it out of spite.)

He was currently staring at Ikkaku's bed.

It was surprisingly clean (considering he spent all his time in the..._former _downstairs bathroom it's not that surprising), though Kiyone's next to it made certain pigsties look like the Ritz.

Just then Cirucci rushed in, slamming the door behind her and panting heavily.

"OK, not a bathroom, _very_ not a bathroom!" she said between breaths.

She'd apparently found the _new_ downstairs bathroom (formerly the upstairs one).

"Darling, you OK?" he asked, putting arm around her shoulder.

"I saw..._things...,_" she said, violently shuddering.

She didn't elaborate.

"...why don't we go see how Aizen and the boys are doing?" Gin suggested, trying to get his girlfriend's mind off of...whatever it was she saw.

She nodded mutely.

When they found Azien he was overseeing a group of lesser zombies in sorting out all the crap he was able recover from under the station.

"How's it going, Boss?" the white haired man asked.

"I still haven't found their bodies," he said grimly, "and on top of that my body seems to decaying even more rapidly."

To drive his point home his whole right arm fell off.

"Well the good news is that I found a chemist in town who might be able to help with your condition," Gin said, hoping his boss wouldn't randomly go into a blood rage or something, "I placed an order for something earlier, it should be ready any minute now."

"Very good," Aizen grinned, "I'll leave my thralls here with you and pick up this order myself, Crunchy Sandwich will accompany me."

"Uh-_uh, not _unless you say my name right!" the goth Lolita said defiantly.

Aizen glared at her in response.

_Very_. Glared.

"I'll bring the car around...," she said dejectedly.

"If this is calm," Gin muttered under his breath, "I'd hate to see him angry."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"OK," Erza said, sanding over a table in a dim room in an abandoned warehouse, "now that you're all here we can begin."

The light then came on, revealing Revy and seven other women sitting at the table with her.

"So what exactly _are_ we here for anyway?" Asuka (the ___Deutschlander_) asked, gesturing to the rest of her cohorts, "I mean your message to _me_ at least wasn't exactly detailed."

"Yeah, I had to postpone my LARP group meeting for this," Clare (weird eyes and swords) added.

"I was in [censor]ing Acapulco!" Revy gently reminded.

"Look," Erza said, trying to keep the peace, "I know you all have other things going on in your lives now; Clare and her fantasy LARPing, Integra's family matters ("Hi Walter!" "Very good, Miss Scarlet.), "Riza's in the Military now, Saeko's the assistant master at a dojo, and...what are you doing nowadays Asakura?"

A girl with blue hair and rather prominent eyebrows looked up from the knife she was sharpening.

"Oh I work with a cleaning service," she said pleasantly, though for some reason every word she said carried an unspeakable dread with it.

I wonder if she's related to Unohana-sensei?

"...Sure," Erza said, content with the answer she got. "The point is, one of our own is in trouble and we're going to help her out."

"What exactly _is_ the trouble Fire Demon is in?" Saeko asked, strapping on elbow and knee pads. "Like Third Child said, your message was kinda vague."

"Well, it basically boils down to is an undead crime boss coming back from the grave and two of his subordinates wanting revenge," the redheaded MMA fighter explained, "I've met them before, and some of them are good fighters, but this is _way_ over their head and they could use all the help they could get." Then a Japanese flag appeared behind her and inspirational music started playing, "This is our time, the very _reason_ this group was even founded in the first-"

"So are we gonna shoot [censor] up or what?" Revy asked, putting a clip into one of her Cutlasses.

A record scratched, stopping the music.

"Yes," Erza deadpanned, "we're going to shoot [censor] up. Or slice, or whatever you wanna do as long as we're there." She grabbed pair of medieval Longswords from under the table, tossing a _huge_ tapered Broadsword to Clare, "No point in wasting any more time, let's get going."

"I'll meet up with you guys later," Asuka said, "I need to get my ride out of the garage first."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

Yeah, Ikkaku was trying to figure out what he could actually play with in Mayuri's lab.

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

Nemu already had..."unique" working conditions, so she was able to keep a hold on her sanity.

...for now.

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

Personally, I miss the days of "No, _you're_ a dick".

"No, _you're_ a dick."

"No, _you're_ a dick."

"No, _you're_ a dick."

"No, _you're_ a dick."

"No, _you're_ a dick."

"No, _you're_ a dick."

"No, _you're_ a dick."

"No, _you're_ a dick."

Oh, it seems someone "upstairs" heard me. Let's see what we got, shall we?

"Lemme see your cards!" Yumichika shouted, wishing he had access to his make-up palette.

"You folded," Renji reminded him smugly, "meaning I don't need to show you _jack_!"

"Oh, real big talk coming from a guy who still sleeps with a children's toy!"

"And you'd sound more threatening if I could hear you over all that _make-up_!"

"At least I can remove my make-up when I want, unlike you, _Eyebrows_!"

"But _my_ tats won't get me mistaken for a cheap hooker!"

"No, they'll just keep you from ever getting laid."

Aw, they're bonding!

"_Bears bears bears!"_

"_Bunnies bunnies bunnies!"_

You know, in their usual way.

Like idiots.

Meanwhile, back with the [relatively] more intelligent members of the Karakura Police Department...

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No.

"What about this one?"

"No."

"What about this one?"

"No."

Hey, I said "relatively", OK?

"What about-"

"Ask me one more time," Nemu said, finally losing her temper and grabbing Ikkaku by his nose. (Though of course she kept her demeanor up), "and you'll see if I still have Rocket Powered Fists, comprendé?"

Ikkaku nodded mutely.

"Good," she said, releasing his nose, "if you must play with something, perhaps there are some snacks left in the cupboard over there."

"Oh yeah!" the bald cop cheered, "I'ma have me some Twinkies!" And with that he skipped off to get him some Twinkies.

Feeling the strong need for some [semi-] intelligent conversation, the melancholy maid went to go see how Rukia was doing; she was having slight severe spaz attacks as a result of her rude awakening.

"Excuse me, but does anyone know where Mr. Kurosaki and Miss Kuchiki are?" she asked.

Nel, Isane, Kiyone, and Matsumoto shrugged ignorance.

"Not a clue," Tatsuki grit out, her leg in a larger cast than before, "I think Strawberry took her outside or something."

"Thank you," she bowed, before going off to find the KPD's resident couple.

"I still can't believe we got attacked by a zombie crime boss," Kiyone said.

"Out of everything that's happened to us, _that's_ the one thing you find weird?" Tatsuki asked. "Seriously?"

"I don't think it's that weird," Matsumoto said, chugging down a brusky.

She hiccuped.

Yeah, no one was surprised.

"Well, _I_ for one am having a hard time believing that something exists that my Dragon Super Kick couldn't immediately shatter!"

"Yeah that was kinda weird," Kiyone said, peeling a banana with her feet, "But it's a big world, you were bound to come across something like that eventually."

"Yeah, but I figured it be some legendary mystic relic from an ancient civilization or an old master from an obscure Tibetan monastery or something, not some pipsqueak Goth Lolita with an oversized yo-yo. It's kind of...what's the word?"

"Disheartening?" Kiyone suggested.

"Ass, that's it."

"Are you sure you're feeling OK?" Isane fretted, flitting about Nel like a housefly.

A very, _very_ agitated fly that's afraid of getting _breathed_ on.

"Yeth...," Nel sighed, having gotten somewhat used it by now, "Dere's nothing wong with me."

"You're _absolutely _absolutely sure?" the medic pressed. "Because sometimes you can't tell about these things right away-"

"Ithane," Nel said, putting a comforting hand on her surrogate mother's shoulder, "I apwiciate that you'rwe tho conserned about me, and it'th nice and everwyting, but I know how tah take carwe of myself; I twain wiff Tatsuki-chan afterw all." She gave the older woman a hug, "I wuv you, but you need tah twust me dat I'll be OK wifout you." She gave Isane a little kiss on the cheek.

Isane sniffled, wiping a tear from her eye.

"Nel...," she said, "that was beau-"

"WHY ARETHERE NEVER ANY [censor]DAMN TWINKIES!" Ikkaku yelled, unable to locate any of his favorite store bought pastry.

And the moment was ruined. Yep.

"Seriously, _nobody_ ever fricking has any!"

"Shut up about the damn Twinkies already!" Tatsuki shouted, chucking a random bit of lab equipment at him.

It missed, and exploded with a "Hee-_haaaaaw_!"

Matsumoto hiccuped.

"_Anywayth...,_" Nel continued, "pwease stop tweating me wike a child, OK?" She gave Isane a kiss on the cheek and went to go see if her Sensei needed help. Isane for her part now had a lot to think about, so she wandered off to find a quiet place to think.

"I'LL STICK VEGETABLES IN _YOUR_ WALL IF YOU DON'T STOP WITH THESE FANTASIES ABOUT RUKIA, HICHIGO!"

Which, considering, was harder than you'd think.

Have I mentioned that Ichigo's voice _very_ carries?

Well enough about that, I bet you're all wondering what Prof. Kurotsuchi has been up to, right?

*crickets chirp*

Screw you I'm cutting to him anyway.

"_Nemu!_" the pharmacist who had a creepy think for clown makeup called, half stuck under another of his "inators", "Get down here right now!"

"What is it?" she asked tiredly, not even bothering with titles.

"Hold this," he said, holding out a cable that was fraying at the end.

"OK," she said, taking the cable, "Now what?"

"Don't move until I get back," he said as he launched himself out from under the machine (...thing?) he was under, swapping out lab coats, "it's almost time for my 3 o'clock."

As he left to make his appointment, Nemu began contemplating whether she should just activate the robot duplicate Prof. Kurotsuchi made one night when he was drunk. It could apparently do everything she could do now (save for the Rocket Powered Fists), he wouldn't wouldn't even know the difference.

Meanwhile, at the front door, someone was ringing the door bell incessantly, starting the "Funeral March" before immediately resetting it, wash, rinse, repeat.

"Keep your panties on," he hollered, "just gimme a second to get the keys." As he searched the immediate area for the keys the frequency of the door bell sound became more urgent. "Look, just hold you horses while I-"

CRASH! Ichigo and Rukia burst through the door, keys be damned, and ran pellmell down the stairs.

"I wonder what's gotten into them?" the scary clown wondered as he went to examine the damage done to his door.

"Hey, Freaky-deaky," Cirucci said, standing next to a slowly decomposing Aizen, "we're here to pick up an order?"

_to be continued..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, it appears no place is sacred for the KPD, though how sacred Mayuri's house is to begin with is another matter entirely. Still, it's time for round 2 with Aizen and Cirucci, so that's gonna happen next chapter. Don't know how they'll fare this time around, but with a little prayer and a [censor] ton of dumb luck they might just pull through. _


	84. Because Halloween parties

_Hey there, hi there, ho there! Man, it's been a while since I updated this fic, huh? Well!...I don't really have an excuse for that. *sweatdrops* S-s-so how about a Halloween special in the mean time! _

_*crickets chirp, someone off screen shouts "It's Christmas, numnuts!"*_

_...Screw you, I like doing these things.(Hey, if The Nightmare Before Christmas can bridge the holidays...)_

_Also, as per tradition (my tradition at least), the Drinking Game (Halloween Edition) is officially activated for this chapter! Every time you read the word "costume", take a drink! (I leave the beverage of choice up to y'all.) _

_SO let's just dive right into this thing, shall we? No "I Write Like..." segment this time, cause this was kinda impromptu. So instead I'll just start things off with those four little word that I always say (so there's really no surprise here at all...), ON WITH THE CRACK! _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Banzai!" everyone cheered, clinking their containers of various alcoholic beverages (and one juice box and one water bottle) together in their annual All Hallow's Eve ritual.

"Ahhhh!" Matsumoto sighed, dressed as a Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop, "I gotta say, this never gets old!"

"You can say that again, thunder muffins!" Fabio Ikkaku agreed.

Yes, he was still wearing the same costume as last time. (Honestly, it was really the only costume he had.)

Fortunately, Duchess Isane chose that moment to bonk the insensitive Chrome Dome (who had hair at the moment) on his chrome dome. "Must you always be so vulgar," she asked tiredly, "especially when there are children present?" She glanced over at Cardcaptor Saku-Nel, who was contentedly sipping her juice box.

"Eh, you eventually learn to tune it out," Executive Yumichika shrugged, sipping his fine wine elegantly.

"Like you're one to talk..." Arabian Princess Kiyone huffed, folding her arms and pouting like a four year old. "Always calling me a _monkey_..." she mumbled.

"You guys aren't gonna start fighting, are you?" Rukia asked, her hands reflexively going to the glasses she was wearing. "It took me a long time to get my costume ready."

She was dressed as Yuki Nagato this year.

"It's true," Ichigo confirmed, "we spent the last week just looking for the darn things."

And Ichigo was dressed as Itsuki Koizumi. (Rukia wanted to theme their costumes this year.)

"Tch, next time you should just do what I did and raid my closet," Biker Tatsuki recommended, fixing the collar of her biker jacket.

"Rub it in, why don't you..." Renji mumbled, tugging at the collar of his Grand Duke costume.

Isane also wanted to theme costumes with her boyfriend.

Yeah, Isane wore the pants in this decision. (Which is ironic because Isane's costume was a dress.)

"Now Renji, it's not that bad," the KPD medic admonished, "Besides, you look rather dashing in that."

"Hmm." He hadn't considered this.

"Though not as dashing as _me,_" Yumichika pointed out, flipping his hair.

"Not helping!" Renji shouted, throwing a nearby coffee mug (that said "Kiyone" on it) at the prima dona.

To which the prima dona grabbed his palette of blushes and leaped at the tattooed rooster.

"[censor] yeah! Count me in!" Fabi-kaku shouted, grabbing his wooden sword and joining in.

"THAT WAS MY MUG!" Kiyone added, joining in as well.

"*hic!*," Matsumoto hiccuped. (She was still drinking.)

Sigh...hope springs eternal, I guess...

"Well, dat didn't wast long," Nel pointed out, taking a sip of her juice in a disinterested manner. The she looked at the members of the KPD that _weren't_ fighting like idiots. "You guyth wanna go Twick orw Tweat?"

"Sure," Rukia readily agreed, "it might be fun to just do something normal for a change this Halloween. ...Especially considering the past two Halloweens."

"I thought they were kinda fun," Matsumoto said, a bottle of gin suddenly in her hand (in place of her cup).

Yumichika's Super Saiyan cricket chirped.

"No, they weren't..." Rukia deadpanned.

"Well, it would be better than staying around here," Isane said as she stared at the little brouhaha going on. "There's a slightly less chance of bodily harm."

"And a near zero chance of any stupidity," Ichigo added, also gesturing to said brouhaha. "Besides, it'd be nice to go Trick or Treating without my family getting involved."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_The Kurosakis (sans Generic Manga Character with a Red Coat and Sunglasses and a Gun from the 90's Ichigo, trying not to be noticed): Trick or Treat!_

_Random Homeowner: Oh, aren't you two just adorable! *hands Soccer Star Karin and Fairy Princess Yuzu some candy*_

_Luchadore Isshin: A-_hem!_*holds hand out hand expectantly*_

_Random Homeowner: Um, I think you're a bit old for candy, sir._

_Luchadore Isshin: *gasps like The Scream* Sir and/or Madame, I'll have you know that one is _never_ too old for candy! _

_*fifteen minutes of arguing later...*_

_Generic Manga Character with a-...[censor] it, Ichigo: You're an even bigger child than your two daughters! _

_Soccer Star Karin: I take offense to that, _Vash.

_Fairy Princess Yuzu: Don't give 'tou-chan a hard time, Ichigo; we're supposed to be having fun tonight! _

_Luchadore Isshin: Yeah! Take that stick out of you butt and have some fun, son! Who knows, you might even meet a pretty girl to take home, give me some grandchildren? *pulls out Baby Making Chart and points to it knowingly*_

_Ichigo: *right eye twitches* One of these days, Old Man..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I don't mind taggin' along," Tatsuki said, strapping on a German WWII style helmet, "gives me an excuse to check on a certain friend on mine...and make sure Orihime's alright, too."

"*hic!*, me too!" Matsumoto chimed in, raising her hand.

"Nel, put your coat on, Sweety." Isane held a coat that certain Eskimos would think was overkill.

"It's still pretty warm outside," Ichigo said, poking his head out the door, "and the forecast said it wasn't even gonna be windy tonight."

"_Not helping_..." Isane [not] subtly hissed.

"Give it a rest, Isane!" Tatsuki grabbed the coat from Isane and chucked it into the micro-climate. "Now let's make like a banana and hit the road!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"This is actually kinda fun!" Rukia announced as the six of them left the latest house they solicited. Despite all odds she was having fun going door to door and getting free candy. She recalled the days of her youth when her bother used to take her Trick or Treating. Though for some strange reason Byakuya always handled the candy she got before her, and it always came back mayonnaise.

Regardless, she enjoyed the thought of having a nice haul to snack on by the end of the night, and it looked like her comrades were having fun as well.

"I know!" Matsumoto agreed, "This is _much_ better than the Halloweens when I was working for Aizen."

"How so?" Rukia asked.

"Well, let's just say 'Trick or Treat' had a different meaning," the strawberry blond said, not elaborating.

_Yeah, that kinda figures,_ Rukia thought.

"I'm certainly having more fun than when I was a kid," Tatsuki interject before an awkward silence could form, "now I won't be fending off 25 brothers and sisters to get the last pack of Smarties when I get back to the station, just Ikkaku."

"I won't have to worry about not getting to eat which candy I want, when I want to," Ichigo sighed in relief. Then he looked over at Rukia, "You'd be surprised how persuasive a couple tweenage girls and an old goat can be when they want to."

Given the little taste of Ichigo's dad she'd seen way back when (the incident with the Crazy Clown's Cookies), she didn't really have a problem believing him.

"I wanna do another house!" Matsumoto whined as they walked along, "It's been like...five minutes since the last house, and I still need a few more handfuls of candy to fill my bag!" She promptly held her bag open for all to see, revealing it filled almost to the top.

"How'd you manage tah thwing dat?" Nel asked, her eyes wide in awe; her own bag was only about half full.

"I don't know," Matsumoto said honestly, swaying on her hips and folding her arms under her...lucky numbers, shall we say, "though for some reason whenever a guy answered the door he always tried to get me to come inside. I can't imagine why."

She was dressed as Faye Valentine, remember? If y'all know _anything_ about Cowboy Bebop, you'll understand.

The other five KPDers sweatdropped.

"...so Nel, how are you liking Halloween so far?" Rukia asked, not quite beating Tatsuki's record for Awkward Silence breaking.

"It'th pwetty good tho far," the tiny tot shrugged satisfactorily. "I can't wait tah dig into the all dis candy tonight!"

"And by that you mean 'tomorrow after you've had a healthy lunch and a nap', right?" Isane [not] subtly suggested to the four year old.

"_Yeth..._" Nel resigned, though secretly she was planning on eating her fill after Isane went to sleep.

"Hey guys!"

Suddenly the group turned to see Senna, the Ultimate Being (in training) standing in the street. She was wearing a black, spaghetti strap top, black shorts, high top sneakers, yellow work gloves, and two rectangle clips in her hair. (She was Kiyal Bachika from Gurren Lagann.)

"What are you doing here?" Rukia asked. "Don't you have a job guarding Time and Space or something?"

"Oh, I'm still on the clock," the perky Ultimate Being (in training) explained, "After what happened last year, the Higher Ups thought it would be a good idea if someone were on site to prevent something like that from happening again."

"So that's what the costume is for, right?" Matsumoto realized, "To blend in."

"Actually, the costume is just because I wanted to dress up," Senna sheepishly scratched her head. (With alliteration!)

"We were just heading to check up on a friend on mine," Tatsuki said, not missing a beat, "wanna join us?"

"Sure!" she chirped, skipping over next to Nel. ("Nice costume!" "Tanks!")

"So wait; if you're _here_, then who's doing your job?" Ichigo wondered.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Wuukhihanawashaloogie: *amidst sputtering console, crackling monitors, and a pile of paper shooting out from the printer* I really should have paid more attention in 6th grade Imaginary Numbers class...this is too hard! _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"One of the new understudies; I'm sure he'll do fine!" Senna chirped as someone from the next house they visited dropped some candy in her bag.

"So long as there's no danger of the universe collapsing in on itself, I'm cool with that," Tatsuki remarked.

"_Tatsuki-chan, is that you?!_" suddenly came from down the street. A minute later municipal worker Orihime Inoue came skipping down the street. Her costume consisted of a short yellow sundress over a white blouse with puffy sleeves, a wide red ribbon tied in front of her waist in a large bow, and a pink shelled turtle hanging on a chain from her next. (It was a prop turtle, FYI.) Her hair was styled in two incredibly thick pigtails sticking out to the sides, and her bangs hung in out in front of her forehead in five strands. (She was Wendy Garret from Gun X Sword.) She eventually caught up to the small group, "Hi everyone! Are you guys heading to the party too?"

"Nice costume, Orihime," Tatsuki complimented. She gave her friend a quick hug and then asked "What party?"

"This one!" She took a flyer out of her pocket and handed it to the female Bruce Lee (who was dressed as a biker).

Everyone else immediately crowded around her as she unfolded it and started reading.

"*ahem!*," she coughed, indicating that some space would be very much appreciated (and that indescribable bodily harm would soon follow if compliance with her desires was not met). Her personal space properly spacious, she began to read, "'Ultimate Halloween Party! Plenty of candy, live music, and all the _fine honeys_ you could dream of! Costumes are mandatory. Ugly people not admitted. (Did I mention the _fine honeys_?)'."

"Dat's all it saths?" Nel asked.

"Aside from the address at the bottom, yeah. The only other thing on here is a generic picture of a haunted house."

"One of my friends at work invited me," Orihime explained. "It sounded fun, so I said I'd go."

"That address seems _strangely_ familiar...," Ichigo remarked, focusing on said address.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Thirty minutes later the KPD (plus Senna and Orihime) arrived at the location specified on the flyer.

"Shoulda known..." Ichigo sighed, standing before the domicile (former) of Besty the Elephant, current residents Keigo Asano and Mizuiro Kojima.

"We always seem to end up here somehow," Rukia realized.

"...And for some reason my arm always cramps up when we come here," Matsumoto added, started to rub said arm, "What's with that?"

"Regardless, let's set what this party is actually about," Tatsuki said, rapping on the door. "OI! There supposed to be a party here?"

The door opened a moment later, and a huge cartoon bear head attached to a body wearing a kimono greeted them.

"Greetings! And welcome to this Garden of Maniless of which-!"

"Yeah yeah, where's the punch?"

Tatsuki ignored poor Keigo and his familiar (to those who've seen it before) routine.

"Over there..." he sighed, drooping his head and pointing over to the refreshment table. He turned back to the rest of the KPD (plus Senna and Orihime), "What do you guys want now?"

"Actually, we just came by to see what the party was about," Rukia explained, "We're off duty."

"I got invited," Orihime stated, raising her finger.

"I'm just visiting," Senna said, mimicking the motion.

"Well, then I hope you enjoy your stay here in our little town," Mizuiro said, walking up to the group. (He was wearing an Iron Man costume.) He took Senna's hand and gave it a gentlemanly kiss, "I hope Keigo hasn't accosted you too much."

"He'th a smoothy, ain't he?" Nel commented, nudging Matsumoto's legs.

"I guess, *hic!*," Matsumoto hiccuped, taking a sip from a large SOLO cup filled with punch, "He's too young for me, though."

"Look," Isane told Ichigo and Rukia over by the snack table, "all I'm saying is that some of these girls should be a _little_ more conscientious about the type of costumes that they wear out in public; aside from the increased chances of getting pneumonia, there's basic decency and propriety to consider!"

Ichigo and Rukia ingesting copious amounts of the punch, hoping it was spiked. (They got enough of Isane's neurotic sermonizing at the station.)

Meanwhile, Tatsuki and Orihime were mingling about, trying to located the person who'd invited Orihime in the first place.

"You sure this guy's here?" Tatsuki asked, "Cause I don't think they allow teenagers to be municipal workers."

"They're not a teenager," Orihime clarified, "And they promised to be here all night, so they should be around here somewhere."

"Well if we don't find them soon I'm gonna-"

"_Oh Orihiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!~"_

Once Tatsuki to stand up straight again, she turned around (for some reason creaking as she did) and found a certain lesbianic prostitute.

Tatsuki's left eyebrow twitched.

But we'll come back to her later. Right now, it seems that Nel has gotten into a little bit a excitement! Let's go listen in.

"Um, Nel can't weally thay she ever did dat befowe," the tiny Mahou Shojou tot told a couple of teenage girls who had taken a shine to her. (Matsumoto was off trying to find the booze.)

"You sure?" a girl with frizzy brown hair asked, "Because it's been all over the newspapers!" She magically produced a copy of that morning's paper, quickly flipped through it, and handed it to Nel, pointing to a specific article. "Read it."

"'Supwerhewoe thaves city'," she read, "'Tanks again tah Mahou Kawaii-chan, pint thized Magical Girwl member of the Karakura Supwerhewoes thtopth the giant monthter woast turwkey dat attacked city hall, along with herw compatwiots...' Holy cwap, she wooks just wike me!"

"She does, doesn't she?" a smaller girl with her hair in clips said, looking over Nel's shoulder at the picture. "I was going to be her for Halloween this year, but the costume store was all out of that costume in my size, and I didn't have enough time to make my own costume before today."

"She even has her own light novel series," a tall girl with long, dark hair added, holding up her copy of "Mahou Kawaii-chan vs. The Strawberry Pudding Monster". "They're actually quite good."

"All dis time, I neverw knew..."

"_THE _[censor]_ YOU ARE, YAH CRAZY BITCH!_" suddenly rang out, causing the partygoers to turn and look at the disturbance. However, a bunch of them quickly moved out of the way as a large object came flying across the room, sailing not a single _centimeter _over Nel's head before crashing into the far wall.

"You'll come around eventually...," Chizuru said shakily before fainting.

"Yeah, and little fairies will carry me away to Fairy World and make me their queen," the Biker Tatsuki said, dusting her hands off. "I swear Orihime, you're like a magnet for trouble."

"It's a mystery to me," Orihime said.

"What happened?" Ichigo asked as he, Rukia, and Isane rushed over to see what all the commotion was.

Their excitement died down when they realized it was only Tatsuki.

Oh yeah, Senna and Mizuiro came too.

"Whoa, what happened to _her_?" the Ultimate Being (in training) marveled, "It looks like she was run over by a heard of elephants and then chewed up by a lawn mower!"

"I'll take care of it!" Isane announced, hurrying over to the in peril prostitute.

"Nuh uh sister," Tatsuki said, grabbing Isane by the collar, "you're gonna let this one be tonight."

"Let me go!" the KPD medic/duchess protested, trying break free of the female Bruce Lee's grip [futilely]. "The Hippocratic Oath must be upheld!"

"And here I though tonight was going to be exciting," Rukia sighed.

"Yeah, I'm gonna have to ask you guys to leave," Keigo said, tapping Ichigo on the shoulder. "Your violent friend over there is not helping me score, and on top of that my parent are gonna notice if she destroys the place."

"_Um, excuse me, could someone help me out of here?"_ came Mastumoto's muffled voice. A moment later her arm appeared from under Chizuru's comatose (and pixelated) body. Rukia, Senna and Ichigo pulled the buxom policewoman/...Faye Valentine free.

"How'd you get under there?" Rukia asked once Rangiku was able to breath properly.

"I don't know, I was just having a few bruskies when all of a sudden I'm under this chick." She then arched her back, "I think I might have thrown my back out too."

Science time, kids! When a woman arches her back, it causes a certain part of their bodies be more noticeable.

And who do we know who has an unhealthy obsession with Matsumoto's cleavage?

_My goddess...es have returned to me!_ he thought as he ran towards the strawberry blond policewoman, the theme to _Chariots of Fire_ playing the background. (Keigo would have to have a talk with whoever put that song on his party playlist.) _And in that saucy little number, too! Hey babe, that costume looks great on you, but it would look even better on my bedroom-_

Matsumoto's arm shot out, clocking the poor Teddy Bear Samurai right into a pile of conveniently placed bean bag chairs.

"It hurts so good..." he whimpered.

"_Please _let me help that one?" Isane pleaded, still being held by Tatsuki.

"Nope, we're leavin'," Tatsuki said, dragging the poor Duchess behind her.

"Nel should pwobably go too," Nel said, following her surrogate mother and her Sensei, "keep dem out of twouble and all dat."

"Can we still go Trick-or-Treating?" Senna asked, tagging along, "I need to replenish my snack stash at the Universe control board."

"I kinda want to go back to the station," Matsumoto said, "I don't think I can do any more candy gathering with my back like this."

"I suppose we'd better go make sure the rest of the guys haven't killed each other," Itsukichigo suggested. "I'd rather like to have _walls _to come back to."

"I kind of want to eat some of this candy I scored," Rukia added.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I said lay off the cravat!"

"Not until you take back what you said about my plate collection!"

"I AM NOT A MONKEY!"

"Best Dogpile ever!"

Yeah, Rukia might have to postpone her candy eating.

To absolutely no one's surprise, Renji, Yumichika, Kiyone, and Ikkaku were in the middle of one of their famous brawls when the Trick-or-Treates (minus Senna, because she had to get back to keeping the universe from falling apart. She'd amassed a good amount of Halloween candy before she left, though.) arrived back at the station.

So yeah, same old same old.

"So did anything happen while we were gone?" Matsumoto asked.

Super Sentai Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

"...so nothing happened?"

"I don't think anything happened, Rangiku," Rukia assured the blond bombshell.

"The [censor] it didn't!" Kiyone protested. She pointed emphatically at Yumichika, "He called me a monkey again!"

"It was a _compliment_," Yumichika insisted, "After all, monkeys are very intelligent creatures."

"And gravity makes things fall down, that does mean I'm-"

She suddenly tripped on one of the long veils on her costume, falling headlong into a conspicuous stack of papers.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...THAT PROVES NOTHING!"

"Um...," Isane said hesitantly, "I think you can let go of my collar now."

"Eh, why not; we're far enough away from _her_," Tatsuki growled out the word "her", "that you won't try and help her." With that she let go of the back of the medic's costume.

Which, since she was still pulling against Tatsuki's hold, caused her to fall forward into a stack of papers just like the one her sister did.

"If anyone needs me," Ikkaku announced, "I'll taking a little cat nap-" Yoruichi sneezed. "-in my room." And with that, he disappeared inside the downstairs bathroom.

A moment later the sound of flushing water was heard.

And then Senna stuck her head out of the micro-climate.

"By the way," she said, "Wuukhihanawashaloogie says hi." Then she disappeared again.

Matsumoto hiccuped.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Man, that took longer than it should have to finish up. Still, we got one more Halloween adventure out of these guys. That's gotta count for something, right? _

_*crickets chirp* _

_Anywho, next chapter is the really for super reals end of Cold Fuzz. I'll do my best to have it up and running by my birthday (Jan 13.), and apologies in advance if I don't make that deadline. _

_But yeah, I still plan to do a few Omakes in the year of 2014, and while I have some ideas of my own, I'd still like to hear want y'all want to see happen to everyone's favorite [not] civil servants. (You all know the drill for suggestions by now.) _

_So until next [last] chapter, have a Happy Christmahanaqwanzaka! And if you don't celebrate that, a Festivus for the rest of us! _


End file.
